...and don't call me Shirley!
“Dammit!” cursed James accidentally zapped himself yet again. “Confound these ponies and their electrical systems!”
“Need some help, dude?” asked a young dragon from somewhere off to the side.
“No thanks, I got it,” James growled. He would be damned before he accepted help in hooking up Twilight’s new DVD player.
“You sure?”
“Yes, I am absolutely su--AGH!”
James actually fell backward that time, before sticking his thumb into his mouth and sucking on it. Stupid top-of-the-line television with stupid lack of direct DVD player hookups. At least they were watching one of his favorite movies that night.
“So what did you bring this time?” Spike asked, stepping into his place and quick as you like, had the whole thing hooked up in a mere moment, leaving James to feel emasculated from going through all the trouble and getting nothing from it. “You only ever shock yourself twelve times if you’re putting on a movie for us.”
“Yeah, Twilight wanted to watch something funny tonight,” James reached back to the nearby coffee table and held up a plastic box, featuring a passenger aeroplane tied into a knot on the cover. “This one’s one of my favorites.”
“Airplane!?” asked Spike, raising an eyebrow. “What’s that?”
“Well, it’s a big vehicle that flies, but that's not important right now,” James replied, devoutly thankful that his years of being a fan of the movie had finally paid off. “What’s important is, it’s our entertainment for the next two and a half hours.”
He opened the DVD tray, placed the disc inside, and shut it, before falling back on the center of the couch. Spike instantly jumped op on his left side, tossing James the remote as well. James started getting everything set up, and just in time too, as the mare of the house stepped in.
Twilight brushed back her mane and stretched with a loud groan, no doubt the day at the school had been particularly exhausting. However, when she looked over and saw them sitting on the couch, she grinned.
“Oh!” she exclaimed, noticing the setup. “You brought a movie!”
“Yes, I did!” James smiled proudly. “You wanted comedy, you’re gonna get the peak of comedy!”
“Alright!” Twilight put the last of her belongings away, before flying up over his head and landing on his other side, before snuggling into him. “So what’s this one called?”
“It’s called Airplane!,” he replied, before snatching the DVD box off the table before she could read the back. “Nope! You get to walk into this one blind, Sparky.”
“Aww,” Twilight pouted before her horn glowed and the lights on the room’s walls went out, leaving them in total darkness aside from the television. “Let’s get it playing then. I hope it lives up to your description of it.”
“It will, trust me,” James replied, hitting the Play button.
He had to stifle a giggle right at the opening scene, which depicted nothing but a backdrop of the sky, with a bright full moon in teh corner and a sea of clouds at its base, as the thought of just how Twilight was going to react washed over him. Soon, the plane’s fin started crossing the screen.
“Is that… is that a shark or something?” Spike asked.
“It’s pretending to be one,” James replied. Just in time, as the aeroplane flew out of the clouds and right across the screen. Twilight gigglesnorted. At this, James again was thankful pony cinema had at least been able to recreate Jaws. Otherwise, it probably would have gone right over her head.
James was also devoutly thankful that Spike didn’t notice the two voices over the intercom arguing over the white zone and red zone. He had a feeling that explaining the joke behind that one wouldn’t go over very well with a baby dragon.
“Aww, I thought you said this was a comedy!” Spike complained, as the lead characters exchanged a very sappy exchange about the lady needing respect.
“Spike, the romance is there to be corny. Don’t think too much about it.”
He got another gigglesnort from Twilight when Captain Clarence Oveur picked up Ham on 5, hold the Mayo. Beyond that, Spike giggled when Ted punched the member of the Church of Religious Consciousness, but Twilight looked completely mortified.
“That poor person! He was just trying to be nice! Why did the Ted guy have to punch him?”
“Oh, just wait till later in the movie,” James snickered. That didn’t ease Twilight’s concern whatsoever.
The first real guffaw of the night came from Spike, as the flight attendant handed Ted Stryker a smoking ticket. Twilight’s muzzle twitched at it, but otherwise, she didn’t react. She didn’t even seem to be reacting to most overt attempts at humor, for that matter. The PTSD flashback didn’t get much at all.
“Sheeeit, man, that honkey mus’ be messin’ my old lady got to be runnin' col’ upside down his head!”
[GOLLY, THAT WHITE FELLOW SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE OR I WILL PUNCH HIM]
“What language is that?” Twilight frowned, leaning forward and scrutinizing the screen. “That sounds like Equish.”
“That’s because it is Equish,” James replied.
“No, they wouldn’t need to add subtitles if it wasn’t. Pause the movie, I need to know.”
“Twi, I’m telling you, it is Equish,” James rolled his eyes. “It’s just Jive.”
“James, movie studios only subtitle foreign languages,” Twilight pointed at the white words across the bottom of the screen. “Why would they subtitle Equish like that?”
“Because it’s funny.”
“No, it’s impractical to just subtitle some of the words being said while leaving the others off,” Twilight frowned at the television. “How are deaf ponies supposed to know what is happening? This is clearly another language. Is it German? You said German sounds kind of similar to Equish but it’s a lot more complicated when it’s spoken faster--”
“Ohhhkay, that’s enough out of you,” James reached over and covered her mouth to silence her. “Just shut up and watch the movie. Don’t think too hard about it. It’s a comedy movie.”
The next scene to get a reaction was a scene from the cockpit.
“We have clearance, Clarence.”
“Roger, Roger. What’s our vector, Victor?”
Spike giggled, but Twilight just groaned and facehoofed. “Oh, this is going to be one of those movies.”
“It’s peak comedy!” James replied, half in amusement, half in indignation. “Wordplay is half the fun!”
Unfortunately, a lot of the “peak'' comedy didn’t seem to land. A lot of the jokes seemed to go over Spike’s head, though many of them James was thankful for. He had forgotten just how many sex jokes were sprinkled into the movie.
When they finally arrived at the Magumba Bar, the two Girl Scouts starting a full brawl over a poker hand got a laugh out of Spike, especially when absolutely no one reacted, outside of lifting their mugs off the counter as one of them was tossed straight down the bar.
“Those have got to be the most inattentive people I have ever seen!” she said, watching the scene unfold in front of her. “They’re just letting them fight! That’s poor restaurant management.”
“It’s almost like it’s a nightly occurrence or something,” James commented dryly, which led Twilight to huff. “This part’s gonna go a little over your head though. I need to show you Saturday Night Fever sometime.”
“What part?”
The Girl Scout crashed into a jukebox, which prompted the song “Staying Alive” to begin playing. For a moment, no one reacted, but when the sailor standing behind the box started jerkily dancing, Twilight did let out another snort.
“So they’ll react to a song coming on the jukebox, but not two people fighting.”
James didn’t answer, choosing instead to bury his face in his hands. Mare wants comedy movie, mare proceeds to excessively deconstruct comedy movie. What an outcome.
And when someone stuck a knife into one of the dancer’s backs, which only led to Elaine mimicking his desperate pleas for help as though they were dance moves, Twilight’s mouth fell open.
“That’s horrifying! Why aren’t they doing anything!?”
“Twilight, once again, that’s because it’s funny! This is a comedy movie! Don’t think too much about it!”
Twilight pouted again, and James swore he heard her mutter something like “Don’t tell me to stop thinking!” but he let it go. They were, after all, getting to some of the best parts.
“You have a telegram from headquarters.”
“Headquarters? What is it?”
“Well, it’s a big building where generals meet, but that’s not important right now.”
“Wait!” Spike exclaimed, pointing at the screen, then back to James. “You did that joke when you were setting the television up!”
“I did,” James nodded, smirking. “Told you, this movie’s one of my favorites.”
“How many more of these are just really bad puns and wordplay?” Twilight asked, frowning.
“Almost all of them,” James replied.
“Ugh,” Twilight facehoofed again. “I thought you were bringing Trotty Python or something. That is peak comedy if you ask me.”
“Monty Python, at least on Earth,” corrected James, but he shrugged. “Maybe next time. Different styles of humor.”
Twilight had another horrified reaction when the guitar-playing stewardess knocked out the little girl’s IV, but James was quicker to react this time, successfully silencing her before she could comment again. Even as the little girl’s arm flew around, convulsing while the flight passengers just sang “River of Jordan”, James had to concentrate entirely on keeping Twilight from going on a tirade about how this was the most tasteless thing she’d ever seen. Spike, meanwhile, was laughing his head off at the little girl’s desperate flailing.
“Dude, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!”
“It gets better,” promised James, having to put extra effort into keeping Twilight quiet when the guitar-playing stewardess knocked out the IV a second time. “You starting to see why I like it so much?”
“How can it be any better than this?”
“It finds a way,” James grinned.
And sure enough, things got kicked into high gear when Doctor Rumack entered the picture. The egg magic trick had Spike mystified.
“How does he do that?”
“It’s a weird hand trick, I never learned it,” James shrugged, “but it is a common enough trick.”
“You'd better tell the captain we have to land as soon as possible. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.”
“A hospital? What is it?”
“It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.”
“They just recycled a joke!” Twilight was able to get past James’ hand. “I thought you said the movie was funny!”
“Twilight, repeating jokes isn’t an unfunny thing! I mean, in your precious Monty Python, they keep doing the swallow thing all movie long!”
“Yeah, but they didn’t repeat the joke,” she argued, giving him an annoyed look. “They just inserted it into different situations.”
“I’m never bringing another comedy movie again if this is how you watch them,” James pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s like a bad MST3K episode with you.”
“How soon can you land?”
“I can’t tell.”
“You can tell me, I’m a doctor.”
“No, I mean I’m just not sure!”
“Can’t you take a guess?”
“Well, not for another two hours.”
“You can’t take a guess for another two hours?”
Surprisingly, that one got Twilight snickering. “See, that was funny! The juxtaposition of the serious pilot and the doctor who couldn’t understand him made it funny! Just like Trotty Python!”
James sighed. “Twilight, like I said, don’t think about it too hard! Just laugh at the stupid jokes.”
“Are you two gonna do this all movie?” Spike asked, looking between them.
“Probably,” they both said together.
Spike groaned, but didn’t reply. It wouldn’t be the first time. He’d had to rewatch that entire Captain Amareica movie because of Twilight talking over everything.
“What was it we had for dinner tonight?”
“Well, we had a choice, steak or fish.”
“Ah yes, I remember, I had lasagna.”
Twilight gigglesnorted again. Progress, at least.
James’ next big shock came much later when Elaine had to reinflate the automatic pilot. He hadn’t forgotten about this part, but it did kind of sit at the back of his head. Fortunately, Twilight’s wing was just long enough to reach across James’ torso and block Spike’s view of the literal blow job.
“Wha- hey!” Spike squawked. “Put your wing down, I can’t see!”
“Nope! You’re too young for this one,” James replied, using his own hand to cover his eyes for good measure.
“I thought you said this movie was clean!” Twilight hissed at him.
“It is!” James protested. “I mean, half the sex jokes they’ve already made have gone over your—”
A topless woman ran across the scene as the pandemonium ensued over Elaine asking if anyone knew how to fly the plane.
“...oh.”
Twilight was glaring at him.
“Uhh… kinda forgot about that one,” he admitted, rubbing at the back of his head sheepishly.
Things settled down after that, thankfully. Twilight even let off another giggle when Rex Kramer stepped through the mirror.
“Excuse me sir? There’s been a little problem in the cockpit.”
“The cockpit? What is it?”
“It’s the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that’s not important now.”
Twilight let out an even louder groan. Back to form, it seemed. Just in time for the trademark scenes of the movie.
“Can you fly this plane?”
“Surely you can’t be serious!”
“I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”
What else did he expect but the loudest groan of the night? Spike, however, was in stitches. At least someone on the couch could appreciate good comedy besides him. Next time he was gonna watch comedy movies with Pinkie.
And then came the driving scene.
“Wait,” she interjected, pointing at the screen as the clearly-stationary car appeared to start turning every which way while the driver didn’t turn his wheel at all. “That’s just lazy filmmaking! Who would believe that vehicle is—”
“That’s the point,” hissed James, covering her mouth again.
...and then the Indian attack started, which did get a laugh out of her. Finally, she was starting to see the funny side. He was especially vindicated when the old lady on the plane started getting slapped around, not even complaining about the nun’s clear light tap on the cheek with the extra-loud slapping sound and everything, and both she and Spike were laughing up a storm when the camera panned back to reveal the line and all manner of lethal implements.
The laughing continued when Rex Kramer entered the airport and started tossing the zealots left and right. Twilight finally wasn’t hung up on the violence toward random people anymore.
James let out a content sigh as Spike and Twilight both were finally entertained by the movie at this point. Excellent, and with a few of the best scenes still to go. Spike seemed to find Johnny the funniest character in the movie. Every time he said or did something was a fresh laugh, and he even got a few grins out of Twilight too.
“Oh, stewardess? I speak Jive.”
That one, however, killed the momentum.
“Wait, so it’s an actual language?” Twilight looked over at him. “How is it not a language if she says she speaks it?”
“I give up,” James threw his hands into the air. “You just keep overthinking it. You couldn’t even find it funny that sweet old Barbara Billingsly could somehow speak Rap.”
“Wait, they’re speaking ‘rap’? Like, the way they talk in rap music?” Twilight tilted her head.
“Yes!” James grabbed at his head in frustration. “They’re pretending like it’s a whole nother language because it’s funny how different it sounds!”
“Ooooooooooooh!” Twilight exclaimed, before smiling. “Yes, I see why it’s funny now.”
Spike and James just sighed, with James dragging a hand down his face. “A classic blunder. Never show a comedy movie to a pony with a straight-laced sense of humor,” he muttered to himself.
“What about going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line?” Spike asked.
“That’s not this movie, we can’t make that reference.”
“Oh.”
Fortunately, this had distracted Spike long enough to where he hadn’t noticed the scene where Mrs. Oveur woke up with a horse in her bed.
The movie continued along, with another few giggles out of Spike, and the occasional snort from Twilight, if it wasn’t an outright groan at another pun. The “Take some pictures” scene got a shake of the head, Johnny did get another snort out of her when he jiggled the fat of a coworker, and then…
“Passengers certain to die!”
“Airline negligence!”
“There’s a sale at Penney’s!”
“Rarity totally would react like that,” she commented, as the paper was snatched out of Johnny’s hand. “Let’s be honest.”
“Not wrong,” James conceded.
And when Johnny reacted with disgust at the woman’s dress, Twilight snorted again.
“She probably would react like that too.”
“Probably.”
“I just want to tell you both good luck, we’re all counting on you.”
“Hey, you say that all the time too,” Spike pointed out, before frowning. “How many references per day do you make that I don’t notice?”
“Over nine-thousand,” James said, choosing the obvious joke.
Spike grumbled, but returned his attention to the screen.
“It’s like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.”
Spike giggled again. Twilight’s eyes bulged, but she still couldn’t help but giggle when McCrosky fell backward with a dopey grin on his face.
“It’s like giving Pinkie sugar,” she commented wryly.
“I just want to tell you both good luck, we’re all counting on you.”
While Twilight snorted at the repeated joke, Spike found the plane rapidly going from gate-to-gate to be particularly good, as his laughter got harder and harder with each cut showing the greeters sprinting faster.
And then the plane successfully came to a stop.
“I just want to tell you both good luck, we’re all counting on you.”
Twilight found that one pretty funny too. “These filmmakers like their rule of three, don’t they?” she asked, stifling a laugh. She seemed to like the jokes that seemed more up Monty Python’s alley than the wordplay or puns.
“I mean, it does work,” James replied.
“It does,” she admitted, while Rex Kramer was ranting to Ted about what a great job he did and what kind of economic options he could get into.
“So?” James asked, as the movie started to wrap up, and Otto and the female Otto piloted the plane into the sky and the credits started rolling.
“So what?” asked Spike.
“What did you think?” James grinned. “You probably liked it more than Twilight did. She has to go and quantify everything, and was probably applying some mathematical formula to the number of jokes per second for peak funniness—”
“I was not!” Twilight huffed, blushing. “I like it! I just thought some of the jokes were stupid.”
“I thought it was hilarious! Is there a second one?”
James blinked.
“Nope,” he replied. Perhaps a little too hastily.
“Wait, really?” Twilight asked, looking confused. “If other people like you thought the movie was peak comedy, then surely they would have made a second one, wouldn’t they?”
“Nope,” James shook his head quickly, before snatching the box from the table and retrieving the DVD. “No second movie. It does not exist.”
“Aww,” Spike hung his head. “Would have been nice. But still, that was great!”
“Yeah, such a shame,” James faux-sighed. “Oh, and Twilight?”
“Hm?” Twilight met his eyes.
“Don’t call me Shirley.”
Not even the crystal walls of the Friendship Castle were enough to contain Twilight’s exasperated yell.
Author's Note
Had a blast writing this, not gonna lie. Many thanks to Clopficsinthecomments for giving this a read-over and his two cents.
For those of you who want to get involved, jump right in! The group is linked in the story summary twice, and the rules are pretty easy to follow!
Anywho, lemme know how I did, and anything you guys liked/didn't like and stuff I can improve on.
Rytex out. Have a good day!
