“Why me?” I ask my companions.
“Anyone would be better than Steel Claw.” The brown griffon with a white head explained.
“Yes, anyone would be better than that bastard” I agree while pointing to the corpse of my commanding officer, my shovel still stuck in the guys throat. “But why me?”
“Because it’s your shovel?” The griffon tries.
I sigh. You know what? Fuck it. I’m going to do this cunts job and maybe even get a proper weapon for it.” I say while yanking my shovel out of the guys throat, I clip it onto the belt that was generously provided to each of us soldiers. “He died due to a snakebite by the way.”
The four griffons that I now ‘command’ nodded.
And so my first assignment begins with a mutiny, I’m sure nobody will care enough to notice we suffered a casualty. We carry on to a town that’s not marked on any maps in order to complete our mission. Officially we are here to ‘investigate the area’ but what we are actually supposed to do is draft ponies and/or take over the town.
The guys in charge were even kind enough to inform us about equestrian laws regarding land ownership. The specific piece of desert that this town is in is actually unclaimed by any nation due to the border tension it would cause or whatever. But if this land is now claimed by that nameless town, and that nameless town decides to fly the flags of Gryphonia, then it is ours by law.
It makes no fucking sense to me but what do I know about law and politics? I woke up naked in the street and pretty much got conscripted on the spot.
And look how far I’ve come! I have slightly uncomfortable clothes that are a mixture of cloth and leather colored dark green, a one handed shovel, a crossbow that makes up for its complete lack of precision by being nigh indestructible and a fancy looking ‘officers cap’ with a black band running round it. If my outfit doesn’t scream ‘Off to gulag with you!’ I don’t know what does.
Anyway, me and ‘my’ squad walk into this town with our crossbows drawn and slowly make our way down the dusty road. My fellow conscripts are eyeing the residents, their claws hovering millimeters away from the triggers. I honestly don’t blame them, the residents aren’t exactly normal.
First off, they are multicolored horse creatures. And not just that, they are racially diverse horse people! There is the generic ‘I walk on the the floor ones’ and then there is the ones with fucking wings, there are flying horses hovering around.
Secondly, the all have really creepy grins stuck to their faces. And I mean like them ‘I smile to hide the pain’ grins where the person actually tries to show you all their teeth.
Oh crap one of them is walking towards me, it’s a white ‘I use the floor’ horse.
“Wait for me at those benches, if you shoot someone I’ll personally skin you.” I say while pointing to some convenient benches. The four griffons nod and actually do as I said, I am so proud right now.
“Welcome!”
Oh yeah, the white horse walked up to me didn’t it. At least it speaks English.
I put on my thickest Russian accent. “Ello comrade!”
“My name is Double Diamond and I welcome you to our village!” The white horse beams at me.
“Are you in charge here, Double Diamond?” I drop the accent.
“Oh no, that would be our founder! Starlight has-“
“I am afraid I have urgent news, please take me to starlight.” I cut off the white horse
“It is the house down the road, say hello to Starlight to me!” The horse points towards the house and trots off to talk with my fellow conscripts.
I walk up to the house without any further interruptions and knock. The door seems to open by itself so I let myself in.
And what do I see but a fucking PINK UNICORN sorting out a bookshelf or something. She, I assume it is a she, throws one of her hooves out in a motion that I guess means ‘go on’.
“Greetings comrade.” At the word ‘comrade’ the unicorns ear perk up. “I come bearing bad news!”
Starlight turns around and inspects me, she chooses to comment on my uniform rather than my race. Starlight just earned herself some brownie points.
“Gryphonia officer in my simple town? What do I owe this visit to?” She asks, picking her words carefully.
“Conscript.” I correct her. “And you can cut the formalities. My squad was sent here to live in your village, I am afraid you can’t say no, and to win you and your land over.”
“My land?”
“By erecting this village you have claimed a neutral zone between Equestria and Gryphonia.”
“What would happen if I say no?”
“First, me and my squad would get executed for failure. Second, you will likely get the same offer from an Equestrian. Third, your town would be the first to fall in case of war.”
The unicorn takes a minute to think this over.
“And if I say yes?”
Okay, now to lather on the honey. “If you are lucky you would become a noble, a lesser one but still a noble. Your town would be militarized and expanded. You would be expected to lead and provide soldiers in case of war. My squad would be under your direct command. There wou-“
“When is my reply required?” The unicorn cuts me off.
“I believe the griffon in charge of mail should come by in two days.”
The unicorn thinks about this for some time so I make myself comfortable on her couch and inspect my crossbow while I wait.
The thing is mostly made of metal, the front of it has a knife built in for melee combat in case of emergency. The crossbow has no sights so when you fire you have to do it by eye, if you are lucky the arrow will get launched in a direction you weren’t aiming and hit the intended target.
“How many of you are there?” Starlight interrupts my weapon inspection.
“All together five.” I respond without looking up from my weapon.
“I have decided to wait and see if an Equestrian diplomat offers me a better deal, until then your deal is considered accepted.”
Now THAT is good news, no execution for me! “We need housing and food, orders are optional.”
The unicorn grins. “You can stay in my house until your barracks is built.”
“So generous of you, Lady Starlight. I will let my squad know.” I say as I leave.
“What are they doing?” Asks a blue griffon before he devours one of the plain cupcakes we were supplied with.
“Is this like a Equestrian thing or what?” I ask, just as confused by what is going on.
Lady Starlight has left to greet the Equestrian envoy, along with her entire town. All the creatures that weren’t in my squad are doing some sort of dance routine or something, I guess this is how you greet important people in this society.
If Lady Starlight expects me to sing and dance for her I think I might declare mutiny on the spot.
I glance out the window and see that the citizens are marching in around the envoy in a military fashion, their organization is commendable.
The envoy is made out of horses, with no surprises except for a purple horse that looks like it’s the leader. It’s got legs. It’s got wings. It’s git a horn.
Now let me just say that I am a open minded person, the horses having racial abilities is fine by me. But having BOTH of the special things is COMPLETELY BULLSHIT!
Oh, looks like the envoy is being led towards the house. I turn towards my squad. “In position, I hear as much as a peep out of any of you and I’ll shoot ya myself.”
They laugh it off and go downstairs to hide behind a wall. I make myself comfortable on the couch, my shovel in my left hand and my crossbow in my right.
Lady Starlight and the abomination walk into the house, already in conversation.
“I assure you that there is no problems in my- our little town!” Lady Starlight was saying.
“The town does indeed look nice, but I am still here with a task Starlight.” The freak replies.
“Well then, what do you offer?”
“........friendship?”
I snort. It’s completely unprofessional but I couldn’t help myself! We are offering status, prosperity, fame and protection while the opposition is offering friendship! You can’t build a town on friendship alone!
Lady Starlight and the freak look at me.
“Jeremy? Is that you?” The freak asked me a question.
“Do I look like ‘Jeremy’ to you?”
The freak just stared at me, her horn was slowly powering up so I slowly raised my crossbow in retaliation. Thankfully, Lady Starlight spoke before I took someone’s eye out.
“I believe that I have came to a decision! After all ‘carefully considering’ the benefits and drawbacks of both offers, I have came to a decision!”
She turned to me with a shit eating grin, the grin a child would have after their first time saying a bad word.
“Conscript, please evict the Equestrians from my land.”
“Right away, Lady Starlight!” The freak looked completely confused, it’s like she thought that her offer was good or something. I raise my voice “YOU HEARD HER! GET YOUR FLANKS DOWN HERE AND EARN YOUR MEAT!”
My four griffons skidded round the corner, their crossbows drawn, and managed to stop without falling over. Commendable. “Get out of here Equestrian, we won’t shoot you if you go.” Said my more level headed griffon, this one was completely grey.
“But I...”
“No buts! You have 20 minutes to get out of here before we open fire, now stop dirtying the earth with your filthy hooves.” I cut the freak off.
I had to actually prod the creature with my crossbow before it started moving, the poor thing genuinely confused. Makes me think of all the shit I could get away with if i woke up wherever the freak hails from.....
''You can't just claim this land!'' The freak is in the town square, arguing with me and Lady Starlight.
''She can, and she did. This was an unclaimed zone that was left alone because claiming it would cause a war to break out, pretty much free land safe from all neighbours-'' I say before Lady Starlight cuts me off.
''-BUT I am willingly giving this land over, thus the war being prevented!''
''Delayed'' I whisper to the Lady.
The freak turns around and looks at her guard, a quite shabby one if i say so myself. Let's start with the yellow one that has wings, she looks like she is scared of her own shadow. Then there is the one with wings and rainbow hair, she actually looks to be capable but has worse discipline than me and my griffons, she is literally flying above us in circles. Next up is the white one, a unicorn. She is looking at the town in what looks like disgust I'm pretty sure she is the only one wearing makeup. Onto the next capable looking one, orange earthpony with a cowboy hat, she is keeping an eye on all our crossbows. And finally there is the pink earthpony, she is eating a cupcake and sitting on a canon, all the crossbows are pointed in her direction.
''You have 10 minutes to leave...'' I remind them.
The freak looks around, muttering something to herself, then she turns around and raises her voice.
''Starlight Glimmer, by my authority as the Princess of friendship, I place you under arrest for treason!'' she declares with a smug grin.
''You have no power on griffon land, Princess.” Lady Starlight points out with an equally smug grin.
“I was sent here by the cutie-map, and I now know it’s in order to stop you!”
“Cool motive, still illegal.” I cut into the conversation, pointing my crossbow in her general direction.
“Now hold on a sec-“ The white unicorn tries to interrupt, I counter interrupt her.
“5 minutes till we open fire.”
I get given five death stares, the freak opted to give Lady Starlight a glare instead.
Then the freaks horn lit up and her group popped out of existence with a ‘POMF’.
“Oh thank fuck that they left!” I exclaim. The rest of my squad makes similar statements.
Lady Starlight gives me a confused glare.
“Our crossbows would be useless against telekinesis, they aren’t fast enough so they just get plucked out of the air.” I explain.
Lady Starlight sits down and raises a hoof to her chin. “You need better weapons you say?”
