Celestia is a Boomer

by KetamineKarl

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1891

During a visit to Celestia’s day court, Anon notices some very unsettling things about the Princess’s behaviour...

Anon is at Celestia’s day court with concerns about a certain subject, but that subject is quickly dropped after he notices the Matriarch’s strange behaviour...

He decides to confront her directly.

Author’s note: This story is what happens when you have no plan nor direction. Also, this was typed on a phone instead of a computer. I don’t think I need to tell what happens when you decide to format on an unfamiliar set up. But I have a feeling you’ll find out if you continue.

Edit: why the hell was this featured? You’re telling me I go away for a day and this happens? You all must have incredibly low standards, this story is literally garbage. But hey, thanks I guess?

Published 2019-11-07 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-09 05:54:29 UTC

Welcome to Boomer Town, Population: Celestia

Anon sighed, he was very bored. His fingers tapped the side of his thigh in a vain attempt to pass the time while he waited in line.

“Why is he in line waiting, of all things?”—You might ask. Well, to speak to the glorious sun princess of course!

Why would he want to talk to her?

Well aren’t you a nosey little thing? Obviously you were never taught proper manners if you’re so eager to get in on someone else’s business!

...Anon was almost there, he just had to wait for the final noble to finish running his mouth before he would get a chance at asking his oh so important question. Anon wasn’t really paying attention to what the noble was saying... Only that it was about tax returns, or something equally boring.

He sighed, the noble had been going on for the past hour, and he was just about ready to commit various actions that could, or could not, find himself a one way ticket to Tartarus. But thankfully, the Noble was spared as the conversation began to wind down.

“...so what do I do Princess? She’s always on that damn device, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Huh? What’s this about?...”

Anon’s interest was peeked, so he looked towards Celestia in an attempt to gauge what the Noble was just saying. The Princess looked thoughtful while sitting on her throne, before shortly delivering an answer.

“Have you tried taking away the device from young Dewberry? Perhaps she would do better outside with the other foals?” She said.

The Noble shook his head.

“But I’ve already tried that!” He looked towards the floor sadly.

“...She just calls me all sort of derogatory terms and blames the destruction of ecosystems on me and my friends! And then she goes on about something called an... ‘Oh-Zone layer?’ And ‘Global warming?’ It’s all complete hogwash if you ask me!”

“...w-what?” Anon was confused.

Celestia looked unsettled. Before she put a hoof to her chin in thought.

“...yes I’ve heard of the concept before, but it doesn’t make any logical sense. How can the planet be heating up if I’m so cold during the winter?”

The Noble, and many others behind Anon, nodded in agreement.

“No, no it’s impossible... She can’t be...”

Anon refused to believe it.

Was Celestia a...

A...

...Boomer?

Shock rocked Anon’s very being, his knees began to quake as the conclusion of what Celestia had become, resonated within his very soul.

Was it all a lie? Was their friendship a fabrication? Was she just pretending to be hip? Pretending to understand him?

Anon gasped. Tears weld up in his eyes.

“...she wasn’t ironic? She truly meant the things she said? About how kids these days were ruining society, and how their taste in music was damaging the industry?”

Anon began to hyperventilate. He couldn’t believe he was just now realizing...

“...she laughed at the minion meme I ironically showed her on my phone...” He whispered, his bottom lip trembling as the anguish overcame him.

He fell to his knees...

And thus, his world came crashing down...

“Could you describe this... Derogatory term to me-?“

He grit is teeth and let out a hiss as tears streamed down his green face. A choked sob was released from deep within, before he threw his arms into the air and bellowed out in pure agony.

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo- *ACK*“

He coughed as something flew into his mouth.

“...Anon?“ The Princess was silenced by the human, who threw his finger up to point at her.

“I’m not done yet.” He said. Causing the Princess to blink owlishly.

Anon cleared his throat and took a breath.

“-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo”

Anon’s pain was indescribable. The weight of Celestia’s betrayal hitting him full force.

“Damn you!” Anon shouted, pointing at the Princess once again.

The princess looked confused and pointed to herself in surprise.

“Yes, you! I thought you were my friend. My compadre. My homie. My broski... ” Anon panted as he ran out of breath, his hands clutching tightly into a fist.

“...I thought you were my Nigg-“ He was cut off.

“Anon? What’s the meaning of-“ once more, the princess didn’t get to finish, as Anon jumped up from his knees and jabbed a finger into her direction, his eyes holding a murderous intent.

“Shut up...” he paused, his finger trembling as he readied to say the final word.

“To have to say it to a friend...”

The tears doubled in intensity, before he finally found the strength to say it.

“...SHUT UP BOOMER!”

The echo of the final word reverberated through the entire castle—the power of his vocal chords, comparing even to that of the Royal Canterlot Voice.

Silence remained, shock—filled the Princess’ face and flooded the hearts of the other occupants. Celestia’s mouth remained open for a few minutes before she final recovered.

Her ears had flattened.

“...Anon? Wha-“ The sound of Anon collapsing onto to his knees once more made her pause.

“...I trusted you.” Anon’s voice was barely above a whisper, his eyes glued to the floor.

“I trusted you!” He repeated, slamming his fists into the marble floor. He began to sob.

The Princess didn’t know how to respond...

The air crackled with magical energy, before the Princess of the Night appeared, dressed up in full medieval gear and wielding a massive Warhammer within her magical grasp.

“Have ‘ast thee foul demon!” She yelled swinging herself around to scan for threats.

“-show thyself, so that we may destroy you!”

She looked amongst the crowd, before finally stopping and looking towards her sister’s throne. Only to find herself faced with a distraught Anon, face down in a puddle of tears, and her sister looking very guilty.

“...what ‘hast happened here, mine sister?” Now Luna was confused.

Celestia shook her head, still staring at Anon.

“I-I don’t know! Sir Sourberry was disclosing his concerns for his daughter and her rebellious nature, when Anon had this powerful outburst...” She looked up to her sister.

“-I can’t for the life of me understand why he has reacted this way!” She finished.

Luna hummed, bringing a hoof to her chin in thought, she looked to Anon, before walking over to his position and speaking down to him.

“Sir Anon? What hast triggered thine grief?” Luna said softly.

Anon sniffled and looked up towards Luna, his eyes stained red and puffy, he spoke.

“It’s your sister Luna. She- she’s...”

His eyes closed as another short sob escaped him. Luna allowed a comforting hoof to caress his back.

“...she’s... SHE’S A BOOMER!” He wailed.

Luna recoiled in shock for a moment, before narrowing her eyes and kneeling next to the downed human.

“Tis’ a serious allegation thou hast placed upon mine sister, are thy sure?” She whispered.

He nodded, before responding in a shallow tone.

“She’s gone Luna...”

He looked into her eyes.

“-She doesn’t believe in climate change.”

Luna scrunched her eyes closed and recoiled once again, a shiver crawled up her spine.

“...‘tis impossible. Nay, we don’t believe it!”

Her eyes shot open along with her wings as she took to the air, once she raised well above the room, she hovered in place.

She spoke to her sister, who was now standing.

“Celestia, don’t say it ‘tis true. That you have become a-” her fur prickled.

“...a Boomer?” She spoke the word softly, as if it was a curse.

Celestia cocked her head.

“What does that mean?” She asked.

Luna shook her head in shock and whispered to herself.

“Uneducated in the knowings of basic terminology. The first signs of a Boomer...”

“What?” Celestial asked.

Luna still wasn’t convinced yet, so she asked more questions.

“Celestia, what is Global warming?”

Celestia shrugged.

“A hoax of course.” She responded.

Luna pressed on through the pain, holding onto the thought that maybe, there was a chance.

“Celestia, sister, what dost thou think of mine collection of limited edition Daring Doo figurines?” She whispered.

Celestia looked confused. Before responding honestly.

“Personally I feel like it’s a waste of time. I’d invest some time working towards something more useful, like carpentry. Faust knows you could at least know how to use that hammer for something other than smashing.”

Luna hung her head low a single tear falling from her face.

“I’d thought you stronger than this, sister-“ Luna sniffled, before continuing.

“-this was the same evil your student and her friends saved me from, the same evil I swore would never touch this earth ever again.”

She bore her teeth, her face stuck in a scowl as more tears fell.

“I have failed you sister...” She readied her war hammer once more.

“...but I will have failed our little ponies if I allowed this evil to spread.” She landed in front of her sister, who looked very concerned.

Luna’s eyes were downcast, a shadow keeping the light of her eyes hidden.

“You are not my sister...” She hefted her hammer as Celestia took a step back.

“...I shall let you rest, once I have destroyed the evil that has plagued your soul, Celestia.”

She prepared to swing the hammer, but stopped herself once a thought crossed her mind.

“Wait. I can just call upon the elements to cleanse your soul without destroying you.”

She facehoofed.

“Why didn’t I think of that before? I don’t have to kill you and you’ll be rid of the demon that’s taken control of your-“ Luna was interrupted by Celestia.

“I’m not sure Luna. I wouldn’t trust these millennials to pull a chariot properly, let alone use the Elements of Harmony-“

Luna smashed her sister with the hammer, sending her through a window.

“BEGONE FOUL BOOMER, THOU SHALT HOLD POWER HERE NO LONGER!”

And thus, the vile Boomer Princess was slain. All hall the glorious Zoomer Queen, long may she reign.

~Fin~

Author's Note

Don’t ask, I don’t know why I did it either.

I regret nothing.

P.S. I’m lazy, so I didn’t really edit this.

The Aftermath

Anon looked upon the destruction that blanketed the land. The destruction that he had caused...

With Celestia out of the picture, Equestria gave way to chaos.

A ‘generation divide’—or so the Boomers called it—shattered the land, ruining decades of growth and scientific study. This cataclysmic event started a war, a war far beyond any scale ever seen.

It was complete and utter devastation...

Neighbours were fighting neighbours, friends were at each other’s throats.

The world had gone to hell.

Canterlot had fallen and with it, the civilized world. The economy crashed, businesses disappeared and the Millennials just kept adding fuel to the fire...

“Ok boomer” become the spark that was used to ignite a revolution.

It became the weapon to start wars, as well as end them. The final deciding factor for the world’s demise.

A weapon, to surpass Metal Gear.

Anon collapsed to his knees. Amongst the ruins and the ashes of what was left behind, he cried out:

”What have I done?”

The world never truly recovered, the sins that were committed that day, remained within the soul of the world until it’s very end.

All because of Anon.

All because of me.

Author's Note

Written after a cruise through the last chapter’s comment section. Hell of an experience.

~Cheers~