Rarity is a Potty Mouth

by Captain_Hairball

Rating: mature
Tags: Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rarity
Length: 2290

Rarity won't stop fucking swearing, not even in front of a fucking princess. What the fuck?

Rarity won't stop fucking swearing, not even in front of a fucking princess. What the fuck?

A brief diversion inspired by A Bird in the Hoof, and by certain recently leaked media of historical importance. :duck:

Now edited by Scoots! Better late than never! :pinkiehappy:

Published 2019-11-07 14:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-07 14:50:01 UTC

The Only Fucking Chapter

Twilight stuck her head through the door of the Carousel Boutique. “Rarity? Are you open?”

“Oh, do come in, Twilight darling. I’m busy with a bit of client work at the moment but you’re always welcome to…” The needle of Rarity’s sewing machine broke with a soft snap. “Oh, fuck me hard.”

Twilight’s cheeks flushed. She was very happy with the turn her life had taken in the five months since Luna’s return. Getting to know her new friends was very exciting. But each friend came with their own… idiosyncrasies. Idiosyncrasies that sometimes needed to be carefully managed. “So… you remember that Princess Celestia will be coming to Ponyville tomorrow, right?”

Rarity looked up from her sewing machine. “Oh, yes, Twilight! I wouldn’t miss it for all the blow in Mexicolt. I just need to finish up this piece, and I will have the entire day tomorrow free to help with the preparations. Get out of there, you little cocksucker.”

“Err…” said Twilight, nervously rubbing one forehoof against the other.

Rarity levitated two fragments of needle away from her machine and telekinetically sling-shotted them into a wastebasket, hitting it so hard it nearly fell over. “Oh, I was talking to the needle, not to you, Twilight darling. Not to suggest any judgment if you do suck cocks,” she said, giving Twilight a coquettish look over the top of her little red-framed glasses. “That’s your own business! A lady never tells!”

Twilight laughed nervously, unsure how she was supposed to respond to that. Rarity chuckled and went back to sewing. Twilight breathed a sigh of relief — it had been a joke. Probably.

“Now, was there something you wanted to talk to me about?” said Rarity, eyes flickering over her work.

Twilight took a deep breath. “It’s just… before the Princess comes over… we need to talk… well, about your use of language.”

Rarity’s sewing machine stopped. She looked up at Twilight, mouth open and eyes wide. “My use of language?”

“Yes. When the Princess is here, you need to make sure to be discreet.”

Rarity put a hoof over her mouth. “Oh dear! Twilight, do I…”

Twilight nodded vigorously. “You do. You’re very free with your use of language, and you need to rein it in around the Princess.”

“Oh. Just a little bit?”

“Completely, Rarity. You need to rein it in completely.”

“Twilight, I assure you, I will do my best to keep a hold on my tongue.”

Twilight began to relax. “Good. We wouldn’t want you to…”

“Prattle on like a common slut?” said Rarity. “Absolutely fucking not! In spite of my considerable admiration for the Princess, I will do my best to be polite, and not monopolize her conversation. I do know how to be fucking civil, do I not?”

“No!” shouted Twilight, covering her ears. “No! That’s not it at all!”

Rarity blinked. “It’s not?”

“Not remotely!” said Twilight, pacing back and forth, hooves tapping a furious tempo on the floor. “It’s the swearing, Rarity. You swear constantly!”

“I do?”

“Like a sailor, Rarity.”

Rarity tilted her head to one side. “Well shit. I honestly had no fucking idea. I must sound like an asshole! Why, you must think me quite the foul-mouthed bitch.”

Twilight walked up to Rarity’s sewing table and leaned on it, nose moving into Rarity’s personal space. “It’s not about judgment, Rarity. It’s just that you’re my friend. You’re important to me. Celestia is my teacher, and she’s even more important to me. She’s a princess, and she’s not used to hearing gutter words. I’m afraid if you swear in front of her, she won’t like you!” Twilight folded her hooves over her face. “So can you please, please promise me that you won’t swear around her?”

Rarity clutched her fluffy white chest, looking stricken and distraught. “Twilight, you must believe me, I had no idea! I promise that I will be on my best behavior.”

“Cross your heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your eye?”

“I shall be the very soul of fu…”

Twilight’s lower eyelid twitched. “Rarity!”

Rarity cleared her throat. “I mean, the very soul of discretion.”

They both laughed and took a deep breath together. Rarity took a break from sewing, and they shared a bottle of wine. Not a single foul-mouthed word escaped Rarity’s lips.

“I suppose I should let you get back to work,” said Twilight, about an hour later.

Rarity nodded. “I’d better if I don’t want to be up until the small hours. I do have quite a bit left to do.”

“I’m proud of you for not swearing this whole time,” said Twilight, taking one of Rarity’s hooves in both of hers. “I know it can be hard to change bad habits.”

“Anything for a friend,” said Rarity.

Rarity went back to her sewing table, and Twilight headed for the door. Just as Twilight began to twist the knob with her magic, she heard the soft snap of a sewing machine needle breaking.

“Son of a bitch!” muttered Rarity.

✭☆✭☆✭☆✭

“When it’s finished, the magic accelerator will be over twelve hundred megahooves in diameter!” said Princess Celestia.

Twilight Sparkle stared lovingly up at the Princess. Celestia loomed over everypony else at the Sugarcube Corner, pristine white coat glittering in the light of her majestic mane.

“But that would make it the largest machine of any kind in the whole world!” said Twilight breathlessly.

Celestia took a sip of her tea. “Mmh hm! It will indeed, my good and faithful student.” She smirked sidelong at Twilight. “Let’s see those Higgs bosons try to get away from us now.”

“Wow!” said Twilight. A little shiver of happiness trembled down her spine to the base of her tail. Just how was it that Princess Celestia was so amazing?

Philomena, perched on Celestia’s far shoulder, craned her wrinkled, drooping neck around to glare at Twilight contemptuously. Twilight stuck her tongue out at the gross old bird while Celestia wasn’t looking. Nothing, not even a jealous phoenix giving her the stink-eye, could ruin the perfect purity of this moment in the presence of her mentor, her role model, her idol. Nothing except Rarity’s tongue. Luckily, in spite of her promises to help with the preparations, Rarity hadn’t shown her face yet. Most likely she’d stayed up late working, and then overslept. That would be classic Rarity.

Twilight let her attention wander around the crowded function room at Sugarcube Corner for a moment, checking for anything that might ruin her perfect moment with her mentor. Pinkie was busy in the kitchen, keeping them safe from random outbursts. Applejack had promised to distract Filthy Rich from taking up Celestia’s time with economic issues, and sure enough, the two of them were nowhere to be seen. Rainbow Dash was talking to Mayor Mare about the weather; the Mayor should be busy signing requisition forms for a while, unable to distract Celestia with politics. Everypony else was behaving themselves. Twilight was about to go back to discussing particle magic with the Best Pony in the Universe when she noticed Fluttershy trembling in a corner.

Ordinarily, Fluttershy trembling in a corner at a party would be nothing remarkable — the poor mare’s social anxiety made friendship even harder for her than it was for Twilight herself. Frankly, she was proud of her for even trying. But the expression of pure rage on Fluttershy’s face made Twilight double-take. She had never even imagined that Fluttershy was even capable of that level of hate. There was murder in those sweet, pure, blue-green eyes, and it was directed at Celestia. This needed to be dealt with immediately!

Twilight made an excuse and teleported across the room.

“Fluttershy! How are you enjoying the party?”

“How can she treat her pet like that!” said Fluttershy. Her soft, quiet voice was thin and raspy with rage.

Twilight blinked. “Her… her pet?”

“That bird on her shoulder! It’s so sick I can’t even tell what species it is! Its eyes are gummy! Its feathers are falling out! It's drooling! When was the last time you saw a bird drooling, Twilight?” Fluttershy took a step forward. “Why does she even have a pet if she doesn’t know how to take care of it!”

Twilight put both hooves on Fluttershy’s chest. “No! Fluttershy! It’s all right!”

Fluttershy rounded on Twilight. Tiny veins pulsed in the whites of her eyes. “Shit! It’s not all right! It’s bullshit!”

Twilight gasped. “Fluttershy! You swore!”

“I did!” hissed Fluttershy. “It’s okay to swear sometimes, Twilight. Especially in the face of cruelty and injustice. Sometimes it’s the only way to express how bad things are!” She pushed past Twilight’s hooves, on her way to do something everypony in the room would very much regret.

“No! It’s a phoenix! The bird is a phoenix.”

Fluttershy whipped her head around. “Phoenixes are real?”

Twilight took the opportunity to interpose herself between Fluttershy and Celestia. “Yes. Celestia’s pet Philomena is a phoenix. They’re very rare, but they’re real. In the wild, they use fire magic to defend themselves. But the energies take a heavy toll on their bodies. Every ten years or so they have to regenerate. It’s like… like molting. Only with your whole body.”

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes skeptically and looked between Twilight and the phoenix. “I guess that makes sense?”

Twilight nodded. “Celestia is a very kind pony, Fluttershy. You have to believe she’d never neglect her pet.”

The tension went out of Fluttershy’s body. Her wings slumped at her sides. “Oh. I guess I was jumping to conclusions.”

“It’s all right,” said Twilight, hugging Fluttershy. “If you want, I can introduce you to Philomena later.”

“Could you? That would be amazing!” said Fluttershy, clapping her hooves together.

So that crisis was averted. Twilight smiled. It looked like Celestia’s visit was going to go smoothly after all.

Then Rarity stepped into the room, resplendent in the pure white dress she’d made herself for the Grand Galloping Gala. “If any of you motherfuckers get even the slightest particle of filth on my dress,” she announced to the room at large, “I will fucking end you!”

Oh no.

Twilight pushed back through the crowded bakery, but every shoulder and every flank seemed to be turned against her progress. Desperate, she teleported herself to the Princess’s table, only to find that Rarity had already taken the liberty of introducing herself to Celestia.

“And then I said, ‘No, dick snout. That’s not a hat. That’s a natural disaster that somehow landed atop your head!’”

Twilight was too late! She braced herself for Celestia’s inevitable meltdown. But instead of shattering like glass when the sound of profanity reached her pure, perfect ears, Her Highness merely laughed. “Well, you certainly took them down a notch.”

Rarity tossed her head proudly. “You have to admit they had it coming.”

“I do!” said Celestia, levitating a plate of cake over to Rarity. “Honestly, the fucking nerve of some ponies. Would you care for some cake?”

“I’m afraid I must politely refuse. Every bite goes straight to my ass,” said Rarity.

Celestia moved the slice she’d offered Rarity towards herself and lifted a fork. “More for me then. A lot of ponies like a mare with a nice, fat ass, though. Don’t you find?”

Rarity giggled. “Oh, I do. And I like having my pussy pounded as much as the next mare. But some things are more important — like being able to squeeze into my Gala dress.”

Celestia’s eyes sparkled with an expression that, if Twilight didn’t know better, she would describe as ‘mischievous’. “Oh yes,” said the Princess. “I think the Gala is going to be very interesting this year. I can’t wait to introduce you to Prince Blueblood.”

Rarity blushed. “Mmm, now there’s a pony who can pound my fat ass any time he likes. Tell me, is his cock as big as ponies say it is?”

That was it. That was the last straw. “Oh pooping poopy poo!” screamed Twilight.

Rarity and Celestia turned to look at Twilight. “Are you quite all right, dear?” said Rarity.

“Honestly, Twilight. There’s no call for such fucking language,” said Celestia, lips trembling to suppress a smile.

“There absolutely pooping is!” said Twilight. “Rarity! How could you! You! Of all ponies! Just pooping swear! Right in front of royalty?”

Rarity blushed. “Well. It’s just that she made me feel so comfortable. I quite forgot myself.”

“And I, for one, found Rarity’s frankness quite fucking delightful,” said Celestia. “I get so Harmony damned tired of ponies treating me like I’m made of glass all the time. A sprinkling of earthy phrases can be very refreshing.” She tilted her head to one side. “Or a flood, in Rarity Belle’s case.”

Rarity sighed. “I really should have fucking tried harder.”

“Yes, you might want to take it down a pooping notch or two, next time,” said Twilight, glaring at her friend. Rarity shuffled her hood and blushed.

“Still,” said Celestia, “no harm is done. I command you two to sit your asses down and have some cake. It’s fucking delicious.”

Dear Harmony-Damned Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that it’s fucking okay to swear sometimes. Just fucking let go. You shouldn't say that shit on formal occasions, and it's sure as fuck not okay front of little foals. But it can be a fucking excellent way to show that you are comfortable with your friends. And if somepony is trying to pull some shit that just isn’t right, swearing is a fucking excellent way to show your outrage.

I am, as always, your faithful bitch,
Twilight Fucking Sparkle

P.S. Did I do that right?