Bad Answers

by SCP Pinkamena

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Suicide / Self Harm, Profanity, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 1714

A slight misunderstanding turns into an awkward converation

Anonymous is a human, and by those standards knows what certain phrases mean back at home. Key words being, AT HOME. So when Twilight says she's going to "end it", he gives some sound advice. Just not the kind that Twilight was expecting.

Audio Reading graciously done by StraightToThePointStudio: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijk7yH7hTTo&

Published 2020-03-16 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-16 19:20:01 UTC

It'll Kill Ya!

A heavy sigh left the mouth of Ponyville's only resident human. Anonymous, or Anon for short, was walking home from a long days work, working at Filthy Rich's super store. What a day that had been, taking crap from customers and NOT being a dick right back? He shuddered at the mere aspect of it. One lady in particular had the GALL to ask him what he was doing here. When he replied with working at a horse version of Wal-Mart, she snubbed her nose at him and told him animals aren't allowed to work here. He was JUST about to start ringing her neck when a rough clearing throat caught him by surprise. Hands still stretched, he looked to see the stallion himself, Filthy Rich giving him a death glare. With a reluctant smile, he drew back his hands and smiled at the customer.

"Haha, funny joke!" He said, with a forced smile and an even more forced politeness. Hours later here he still walks his destination in sight. The Castle of Friendship, or Fru-Fru Fairies, which ever one worked the best, with its crystalline structure and deep blue hue it was definitely something to behold. Just before Anon opened the door however, his ears picked up a sound, a sound that sounded like something... large and rushing towards the door... "Hmm..." He backed away from the door and not a split second later, the door slammed open and out ran Flash Sentry and one of the Dusk Guard. He couldn't remember her name, but from the look of fury on Twilight's face, he had a feeling he wouldn't be needing to know it anytime soon.

"AND STAY OUT!" She screeched before dragging Anon inside the castle and slamming the door, followed by a series of clicks and thunks. Flash and the guard looked at each other and shame before the guard offered him a place to stay.

It had been 2 minutes of Twilight crying in Anon's lap to remember why he didn't like babies. In reality she had been crying for two hours and throughout her little tantrum she kept asking questions like 'Was I not good enough', 'Did I spend enough time with him' those kinda questions. Anon pet Twilight's mane and slowly but surely, the Twilight he knew came back into being. She looked up, eyes red and puffy, and her nose slightly running. "Do you think I should just end it?"

This was question that plagued Anon's mind for some 3 years since he's been here. "Honestly Twi? You really want to end it all?" A nod. "Okay, my advice to you is to go for something cheap, like maybe drinking bleach, or finding something with arsenic.
He said as matter of fact. Twilight's brow creased and before she could a word in, he continued. "Or you know, go with the classics, chair and a noose, plastic bag over your head. Oh! You can slit your wrists open with razor blades! Just remember though," He took his arm of a demonstration, "sideways for attention, long ways for results."

Still, Twilight stared dumbfounded, and despite her look of incredulousness, he continued still. "Then there's the more common classics, like falling off a roof, drowning in the bathtub, toaster in the bathtub," He listed more and more ways to kill yourself, from purposely swallowing your own tongue, to putting something called a 'gun' to your head. Finally Twilight shook her head and asked the ultimate question:

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Anon, stopped his triad at the outburst, firstly dumbfounded that Twilight used the word fuck instead of Pony Placeholder (TM), and secondly at the initial question itself. Twilight continued. "Anon, Anonymous, when I said 'end it' I didn't mean MY LIFE!" Anon's eyes widened a little. "I meant, end my relationship with Flash Sentry, who I just caught two timing with one of my own Guards, Skystar."

"OH FUCK!" Anon yelled. Now realizing his massive fuck up, he backpedaled, and backpedaled HARD. "Oh shit, oh fuck. I'm sorry Twilight, oh FUCK ME. Yeah, normally when you catch your boyfriend with another girl you dump his ass, but why did-- Oh damn it..."

Twilight looked at Anon, seeing how remorseful he was being. "Anon, are you okay?" Anon became uncharacteristically silent, and sighed heavily.

"...No. No I'm not okay. Maybe 3 years ago, when I first landed in this place, but now it's.... too much." He said finally, laying down on the couch. It sucks, I'm the only one of my kind. I can't have children, I can't follow my comedian dream because everything I say is too 'insensitive'. I can't even work at store without someone asking why 'the animal got out of the zoo.'". He covered up his eyes with one hand. "It's so... fucking hard. I mean, yeah, humans are dicks, but we're dicks to EVERYTHING, so it all balances out. You ponies only seem to be dicks whenever you're confronted with something not a pony. Or from Equestria for that matter." Anon said while gesturing towards the window. "I've seen ponies give me glares, seen them give that zebra, Zecora, a side-long stare. Hell, you had that fucking racist Neighsay or whatever the fuck his name was at your school." Twilight winced at that one. "I think the last straw was when your friend Rainbow Dash essentially rubbed in my face that I can never go home and that I wont amount to nothing here in your world."

To say Twilight was shocked to hear that Rainbow Dash did that was an understatement, but to hear the whole town was doing it? "Anon... I-- I had no idea that was happening..."

"Yeah, I thought you'd say that... You don't really read people do you Twilight?" His question was met with a confused tilt of the head. "Like now, whenever you get confused about something, you tilt your head to side and mouth purses up. Or when Fluttershy is tending to her animals, her wings are relaxed and her primaries are splayed out a little. Applejack has a nervous tick when she notices something is off; her scratches at the dirt. Pinkie is probably the most disturbed individual yet, she hides so much pain behind her eyes that unless your were a professional shrink or someone just like her," he points to himself at that statement. "you'd never see it. Rarity... is hard to pin down because you can tell she hurts too, but she turns her pain into art. Essentially: The more she hurts, the better the dress becomes."

"What about Rainbow?"

"....She afraid of the world, just like me. She can't handle ostracization so she seeks to be the center of everything, from a fan club to the top of the leaderboard."

Twilight mulled this over. "How does this translate into all things you said before?"

Anon chuckled and looked out the window. "Because, before the whole thing with Flash, I was going to say... I was going to say goodbye."

Twilight didn't understand. Say goodbye? "Hey, Anon if you need to talk someone then you can--"

"No. Much appreciated... but no. I've made up my mind, I wanna go home... on my own terms." Just as he said this, a purple blur knocked into him.

"No! No no no no NO! I wont let you do that! That's... That's stupid talk!" She said hugging his chest. Anon patted her head and she looked up at his eyes.

"I'm sorry Twilight... but your friend said it best: 'This world doesn't have a need for a freak like you'." He shoved Twilight roughly onto the couch and ran up some stairs into one of the many bathrooms. Swiftly he turned to see her just behind him, and he slammed and locked the door close.

"Anon! Please! Don't do this! So many others need you!"

"Like who Twi? Fluttershy is scared stiff of me, the only other pony that tolerates me is Pinkie and that's on her good days, and all your other friends avoid me as if I have the plague! You can fuck off from my life, I don't need it anymore." Twilight began to say something, but he wasn't listening, not anymore. He opened the medicine cabinet, saw a little pill bottle inside of it. 'Take no more than 2 a day!'

"Bottoms up..." he muttered to himself. He got naked and drew a bath. "If I'm going out, I'm going out cozy..." He said as he leaned his head back and waited for the dark to take him.

*Beep.....Beep.....Beep*

Anon awoke in a hospital bed next to a heart monitor. He said nothing, but looked away from the monitor to see a sleeping purple princess on his bedside. The door on the other side of the room opened to reveal a nurse scribbling away at the clip board and looking up in surprise. "Oh, when did you wake up deary?"

"Uh... Just now." Anon moaned out. His tongue felt heavy and his lips didn't want to make words but he pushed on.

"Oh good! You gave us quite the scare ya'know? What were you thinking, eating that many in one go. Why if didn't know any better I'd say you---" She stopped her sentence short, looking at Anon's face drop and turn back towards the still sleeping princess. "Oh... oh dear... Well, if it makes you feel better, she stayed by your side all week."

"...A week?"

"Mmhmm, never left your side for a second. Her friends had to get her food and everything. I've never seen that blue one more scared in her life though, and she's a regular." Anon took this information and looked up at the ceiling.

"God, I'm a fucking idiot..." He whispered to himself. Twilight stirred in her sleep and mumbled something out.

"No you're not..." she said between snores. Anon looked at her again and chuckled a little as the rest of her friends came in.

Perhaps... this world would need him just a little longer...

Author's Note

1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Hotline. Please, if you have any suicidal thoughts or have though about doing any suicidal actions, please talk to a loved one or a close friend.