The Trixie Clause

by TCC56

Rating: teen
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Dark, Death, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 7494

Whomever kills The Great And Powerful becomes The Great And Powerful. Hat, cape and talking in the third person are mandatory. On a related note, Twilight Sparkle is having a very bad week.

Some realize that Trixie is not the first to bear the title of The Great And Powerful.

Few realize that it is less a title and more a curse.

The one who kills The Great And Powerful shall ever after be cursed to become The Great And Powerful.

On a related note, Twilight Sparkle is having a very bad week.

Featured, 12/04/19-12/06/19, and 12/09/19-12/12/19!

Reviewed by PaulAsaran, with a rating of Pretty Good!.

Also reviewed by Titanium Dragon with a rating of Not Recommended.

Listed in Equestria Daily's 21 of the Best Trixie Fanfics for Trixie Day on 10/31/2021!

Published 2019-12-04 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-12-10 22:45:41 UTC

Kersplat!

Another burst of fireworks went off, and the crowd roared as the curtain dropped. Nopony could deny it: the Castle of Friendship was gone.

The Great and Powerful Trixie took a bow and tried not to look too smug. (She needed to have just the right amount of smug for this.)

They said she couldn't do it - so she had to have done it. Because she was Trixie, and they were not.

"Now!" She waved a hoof in the air. "If my helper from the previous trick would please return to the stage?" She beckoned at Mr. Waddle to bring him back up. "Sir, if The Great and Powerful Trixie remembers correctly - and she does," she noted with a wink to the crowd, "Your card from before was the Nine of Clubs. If you would take it out of your pocket, please?"

Mr. Waddle did so slowly - frustratingly slowly enough that Trixie made a note to next time get a helper under the age of ninety - but when he looked at it? The gasp made it all worthwhile. In shock, he turned the card to show the audience - the Nine of Clubs had instead become an image of the crystalline Castle of Friendship. More gasping and applause rolled over the stage and made Trixie's spirits soar.

Trixie pouted outwardly. "Well that's not right. Your card was a Club and that's a Diamond!" She gave a pause for laughter before snatching the card in her magic. "Trixie should probably put it back, though. Princess Twilight might get mad at me for stealing her house, and she still has Trixie on probation from the last time Trixie one-upped her." There was more laughter - and a Twilight in the front row that was flush both with embarrassment and annoyance. Which made Trixie even happier.

Twirling the card around in the air, Trixie made it dance to and fro. Starlight pulled the curtain that hid the Castle's usual place in town from the audience back up in preparation. "And now! Trixie shall return the Castle to where it belongs! For she is..." She dramatically paused before tapping the playing card with the tip of her horn. It flipped again in the air - showing the Nine of Clubs once more. The curtain dropped, and the Castle of Friendship was back where it belonged again.

"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRRRRRRRRIXIE!"

The crowd exploded. Even Twilight - who had been trying to play the skeptic - was clapping and cheering. This was turning into one of Trixie's best shows and they hadn't even hit the climax yet.

Speaking of...

Trixie took her bow and waved both Starlight and Mr. Waddle off the stage. "And for my grand finale! While you have been dazzled by disappearances, re-appearances and feats of the mind - it would not be a show from The Great and Powerful Trixie if she did not demonstrate for one and all her mastery over the greatest force of them all! Death itself!"

As the crowd murmured in anticipation, Starlight continued to play her role as assistant and wheeled out the contraption. It was overcomplex, sharp in all the wrong places and radiated a vague menace just by existing. It was entirely over the top and had too many moving parts to be useful for anything, and that's why it was perfect.

Trixie waved at the machine, stepping around it. "Behold! The Crushtastic Puncturenator 7000 Deluxe by FlimFlamCo! A single devastating machine intended for use by griffins to reduce their food sources to a goo for easy digestion by chicks!" She motioned in turn to the massive spiked paddles; to the overhead crushing plate; to the ominous manacles inside. "Trixie shall be strapped into the foul machine, chained in place and helpless! And then The Great and Powerful Trixie shall make her escape in the nick of time before it renders her into a fine pony paste!"

Starlight came forward again, locking Trixie into the machine's restraints and slipping a restraining ring onto her horn. "But we must make sure this is truly as dangerous as it seems - let Princess Twilight Sparkle come to the stage!"

In the crowd, Twilight blinked owlishly.

"Come now, Princess. Trixie knows you aren't shy. Princess Celestia taught you how to handle crowds, didn't she?" Trixie tipped her head forward. "Wiiiiink."

A suddenly grumpier Twilight climbed up to the stage and did her rounds inspecting the machine.

Trixie continued her patter. "Once the Princess has verified all of my restraints and the anti-magic ring is around my horn, Trixie shall have her begin the countdown. She's earned that, since Trixie did steal her castle a few minutes ago." She winked again, and the crowd ate it up. "Once the countdown is started, Trixie shall have sixty seconds to escape from the Crushtastic Punctureator 7000 Deluxe before it punctures and crushes her. With no magic, all four limbs immobilized and in full view of you, Trixie's beloved audience!"

The Princess stepped back as the crowd applauded. "The restraints are secure," she confirmed. And at Starlight's indications, she moved to beside an ominously large red button. "Trixie, are you sure about this?"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is prepared for anything! The button if you would, Princess!"

Twilight shook her head at the pointless drama - and tapped the button with her hoof. There was a loud CLUNK as the countdown engaged, demonstrated by a bright red readout.

60

Inside the machine, Trixie struggled. Her body squirmed back and forth, each movement just a tiny bit further as she slowly wormed herself free.

50

Twilight bit her lip as she watched from beside the machine. Was it supposed to look like Trixie was failing? Because it sure didn't look like she was getting anywhere.

40

Trixie grunted with effort as she tried to pull one of her forehooves free. It didn't budge.

30

At this range, Twilight could see a droplet of sweat running down the side of Trixie's face. There was a scent in the air - adrenaline. And panic. Twilight pushed it down, though. This was Trixie. Trixie knew what she was doing. She had this under control.

20

The anti-magic restraining ring on Trixie's horn sparked slightly, making the magician yelp in pain. There would be no casting, no matter how much she wanted.

10

All four limb restraints were still solidly on. Twilight looked between the clock and Trixie. She shouldn't interfere, right? Right?

5

Trixie stopped struggling. She let out a long, slow breath. An uncharacteristic calm passed over her as her entire body relaxed.

1

Pale violet eyes turned to look at Twilight, full of regrets. A tiny smirk touched Trixie's lips. "Sorry," was all she said.

0

The spike-covered paddles of the Crushtastic Puncturenator 7000 Deluxe slammed against the board Trixie was strapped to. The heavy crushing plate fell from above.

Twilight Sparkle held very, very still as Trixie... a detatched part of her mind analyzed that 'splashed' would be the most correct verb for the action that happened next. The rest of her mind was screaming in terror, just like the rest of the crowd. Starlight was wailing as her magic ripped apart the machine to free what seconds before had been her best friend.

In it all, incongruously, Trixie's hat hand been flung clear. In the evening air it wafted above, slowly descending to land atop Twilight's traumatized head.

Author's Note

Story Tone Meter

<-|--------->

Dark Like Fresh Coffee

Curses!

Twilight didn't remember getting home, but she still woke up in her bed.

Everything after the... impact was a red-tinted blur. Somepony had obviously helped her home and somewhere in that time she had washed up. But none of it had stuck to Twilight's mind. Everything was fragments after Trixie....

After Trixie...

Twilight's soul lurched. She was going to need time to handle this. And coffee.

Several minutes later, she descended the stairs with none of the regal manner of a Princess. She was barely managing to hit 'functional adult pony', but the somber air that permeated all of Ponyville said she wasn't the only one. Possibly the only one that wasn't crushed by it was Spike.

Faithful, diligent, perfect Spike. Whose response to the tragedy was not to think of himself but to throw all he had into his work. Work that, in this moment, took the form of a legion of pancakes on the table.

"Haybacon's ready in just about two minutes!" He huffed, running from stove to table and back again. "I pulled out four kinds of syrup, too! You'll..." Spike halted at the side of the stove, head tilted in rapt, confused curiosity as he looked at Twilight. "...Why are you wearing Trixie's hat?"

Twilight's bleary eyes blinked. Slowly. She was wearing a hat? A touch with her hoof confirmed it - somehow, she hadn't felt it on her head before. And it had somehow stayed on through the entire night's rough sleep and falling out of bed in the morning. Still, she was able to take it off now - which in context seemed even weirder. Not having it on felt off, somehow.

But the hat being set aside seemed to satisfy Spike. And Spike satisfaction meant pancakes. "Well, this should help. Getting something in you can't hurt, right? Now - syrup! Maple, praline, strawberry or boysenberry?"

It was a critical question at this point in the morning. But an easy one to answer. "Twilight Sparkle will have the praline."

Spike froze. "...What?"

"The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle shall have the--" Now it was Twilight's turn to realize what she had said. "Twilight didn't-- She means that--" Panic started to set in. "Spike, something's wrong! Twilight can't-- argh!" She tipped out of her chair, hooves holding her head. "What's going on?!"

A zombie named Starlight Glimmer groaned from the doorway, slumping in at the smell of pancakes. She still reeked of cheap liquor - enough so that Spike pulled back for fear his breath would ignite hers.

Despite the stench, Twilight lunged to grapple her ex-student. "Starlight! The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle has found something is wrong!" She paused as what she said sank in. "What Twilight has just said is what's wrong! She can't control this!"

It broke Twilight's heart to see the pain in Starlight's eyes - well, she couldn't see it through the liquor but Twilight was certain it was there. Hidden behind it all as Starlight grieved in her own way. The words managed to break in, however. Starlight's frown wasn't one of grief, but of concern. "Hold... hold on."

Stepping back, Starlight's horn glowed. The spell was easy enough for Twilight to recognize - Witching Brew's Toxin Purge was a well-known medical spell to handle poisons and a crucial tool for surviving wild parties. (Not that Twilight had them herself, but most unicorns who needed it weren't in any condition to cast it themselves and were desperate for rescue before the looming hangover hit.)

A full-body shudder ran across Starlight as a not insignificant percentage of her bloodstream was transmuted. She wobbled - momentarily woozy - but got her balance fast enough. Even with her hidden tears, Starlight was strong. She had a heart like a manticore. It was part of what Twilight admired about her.

"So." Blue eyes locked to purple. "Talking in the third person? Giving yourself the title? And I'm betting you keep finding her hat on your head."

Twilight reflexively reached a hoof up to find that the magician's hat had somehow ended up on her head again. She yelped and tossed it away. "Starlight, Twilight swears she isn't doing this on purpose!"

"I know you're not." Starlight wrapped her forehooves around Twilight and hugged her. "But I've got bad news, Twilight. You're cursed."

The kitchen was silent for a moment.

"Twilight is what."

With a deep sigh, Starlight squeezed her teacher and broke away. "Cursed. You're going to want to sit down - there's a story to tell."

All three sat at the table, pancakes shared around. Briefly Twilight resisted in her grief, but Spike's glare would brook no disagreement. So they ate slowly as Starlight began.

"Trixie warned me about this when I started as her assistant. Since I was working with her, I was the one most likely to be affected." Starlight cut her pancake up slowly, magic aura moving at a somber pace. "Long, long ago, a powerful unicorn wizard predicted that one day a terrible evil would arise from the accursed city of Tambelon. It would take a spellcaster of great power to defeat that evil, but there would only be one chance to stop it. Since nopony could afford to try unless they really were the destined great one, he cursed himself."

Starlight paused to put something in her empty stomach. Pancakes were good, no matter the circumstances. "The curse was that he would never be able to call himself anything but the Greatest and Most Powerful - and that any pony strong enough to defeat him would take that curse instead. His hat and cloak would go with it, as well, to ensure that it couldn't be faked. That way, when the day finally came? The curse would show who was truly the strongest wizard in the land at the time and they could be called on to save the world."

Twilight considered this. And she frowned deeply. "So the curse is a calling card? To identify the strongest unicorn?"

"And to provoke others at the strongest by being infuriating, though that's just a theory of mine," Starlight amended. "That way, not only would only the strongest have the title but they would also be constantly challenged by others to improve. It was meant to be a trial by fire to prepare for the task ahead."

There was a long pause. "So a curse to determine the strongest and most magical of all unicorns." Another pause. "So how did Trixie get it?"

Starlight's jaw dropped. "Twilight! Really?! That's my dead best friend you're talking about!"

And instantly, Twilight held up her hooves in surrender. "Twilight Sparkle was joking! She swears!"

That only mollified Starlight a little, but moved her down from aghast to merely grumbling. She did provide a little context, however. "Also, it was a wagon accident. Trixie ran the previous curse-bearer over."

Twilight took a moment to process that. It did make sense - Trixie had always been bad about proper load distribution on her wagon and was infamously terrible at using appropriate tie-downs to keep the weight from shifting. So that part was explained. And that left only one more terrible task ahead. "The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle understands. It is a great burden, but she shall bear it and prepare to fight this--"

"Happened three hundred years ago."

Twilight stopped dead. "Pardon?"

Starlight repeated herself. "It happened three hundred years ago. The ancient evil's already been defeated. But the original caster never put an end clause on the curse, so it's still going. And will continue to keep going."

"You're pulling Twilight Sparkle's Great and Powerful leg." Twilight just.... stared in disbelief.

"I know, so unprofessional, right? Calling himself the Greatest and Most Powerful while leaving a mistake like that in his legacy spell?" Starlight rolled her eyes. "It's no wonder he was killed and lost the curse almost immediately."

Finally bringing over the haybacon, Spike interposed himself. "Missing the point, Starlight. How do we un-curse Twilight?"

The question was dismissed with a wave of her hoof. "Oh, we can't. I absolutely tried to remove it from Trixie." Her voice dropped to a mutter. "Believe me, nopony was sicker of her third person boasting than me." Starlight cleared her throat, pulling back to the topic. "I'm really sorry, Twilight, but you're stuck with it. Trixie always thought I would be the one to accidentally cause her death with a trick that went wrong - you getting it was just... bad luck."

Haybacon and pancakes were chewed over just as much as the information. It was a lot to take in and it could take days to decide how to hand--

"No."

Starlight looked up. "Huh?"

"No. The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle refuses to accept there is such a thing as an unbreakable curse." Twilight stood up from the table, eyes flashing with determination. "Twilight will find a way." She adjusted the wizard hat that had appeared on her head again and marched out with grave purpose.

The two remaining occupants of the breakfast table didn't say anything for a good minute.

"I really hope she succeeds," Starlight finally half-whispered.

"Yeah," agreed Spike. "I hope so too."

Starlight picked up another strip of haybacon. "Because Trixie talking like that was bad enough, and Twilight's immortal."

Author's Note

Story Tone Meter

<---|------->

Black Humor & Sass

Help!

There was something deeply wrong with the world. Twilight had been betrayed.

Sixteen hours in a library and nothing was any better.

Truly, the darkest of times.

Every book on curses had been read. Every old legend picked over. If this Great and Powerful curse hadn't affected Twilight herself, she never would have believed it existed. There was no sign anywhere in history of it appearing before, nor of any part of the legend Starlight had told her.

Similar curses existed and were well documented, but not this specific one. And every diagnostic spell to search for dark magic affecting her had turned up nothing.

Whatever this curse was, it was both secretive and infuriating.

....Sort of like Trixie.

That thought made Twilight hang her head, tears pricking at her eyes. She and Trixie had never gotten along per se, but they had mended their fences since that first fateful encounter. And that second, worse encounter. ...The third encounter started out pretty lousy too. But! As much as Twilight was loathe to admit it out loud (doubly so because of her new verbal tic), she was going to miss having someone around who kept her grounded with those little snipes and snide remarks. Trixie's distance just outside the circle of friends made her all the more valuable like that - and now she was gone. That thought weighed heavily on Twilight as her mind wandered.

But no. Not right now. Twilight rallied herself, pushing those emotions down. She had a curse to break first - if nothing else, she had to before the funeral. Explaining why she was wearing Trixie's clothes and using Trixie's title at Trixie's gravesite... well, suffice it to say Twilight did not want to have that moment.

But her faithful library had failed her. It was time to bring the big guns out.

Day Court was a dreary affair on most days. Nobles would come in, complain about something petty and pointless, nobles would go out. Everything was painfully rote and predictable, broken up only by the rare petitioner with an earnest problem or freak moment of madness.

Twilight Sparkle came tromping down the carpet, wearing a magician's hat and a star-covered cape. She gave a slight bow to her teacher. "The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle requests an audience and your assistance, Princess."

Celestia stared.

Then started clapping her hooves together while giggling.

Twilight's death glare reminded Celestia that she wasn't being as subtle in her joy as she should be, and she cleared her throat. "Oh. Yes. Yes, you're right, my faithful student. Something does seem a bit amiss. Raven?" She turned to her majordomo. "Please adjourn Day Court for half an hour while Princess Twilight and I discuss her concerns?"

Princess Celestia's private study was exactly as one would expect - a beautiful broad room of gold and ivory, lit by towering picture windows to let in the sun from every gleaming angle. In stark contrast to the room's size, it housed but a single table and three chairs - currently occupied by two ponies.

Tea had been brought - but that wasn't what Celestia's attention was on. No, her eyes were on the top of Twilight's head where the pointed hat sat. A hat that Celestia was one hundred percent sure Twilight had taken off when they entered and hadn't picked up again.

Yet it was there. On her head.

"Fascinating."

Twilight shook her head. "Infuriating."

Celestia raised an eyebrow - the years between teacher and student let it speak volumes. Primarily, it said the same thing Celestia voiced: "Twilight, what's going on?"

It had been less than twenty-four hours, but that question still drew a long-suffering sigh. "The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle is cursed. Do you remember Trixie?" A nod from the alabaster alicorn confirmed it, though she paused to light her horn for a moment. "Twilight is sad to say that she was... There was an accident. Trixie is.. is gone." Twilight stumbled over the words - it was still hard to believe it had really happened. "But she carried a curse - and now Twilight Sparkle has been given it."

The Princess of the Sun frowned, using it to hide an amused smile. "I see. And this is why you're speaking in the third person?"

"It is the source of the Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle's current problems, yes." She paused. "The hat and cape are also part of it." Twilight took the hat off again and set it on the table. "Starlight Glimmer told Twilight about the curse, but it doesn't appear in any history or spellbook Twilight Sparkle can find. The Great and-- Twili--" Twilight snarled at her linguistic limitations. "Is there anything you can do to help?"

Rising, Celestia walked over to the largest of the massive windows. She gazed out of it to the great land of Equestria - a place of so many possibilities and such history. "I'm afraid, my faithful student, that I cannot. I have never heard of a curse such as this in all my centuries - and I cannot dispel it. The moment you said you were cursed, I reached out with my magic to find it. I could not - there's the faintest wisp of dark magic, but nothing that I could grasp and try to break. I'm sorry, Twilight. I don't think I'll be of much help on this adventure of yours."

Twilight let out a long sigh. "Twilight Sparkle understands. She-- Princess, are you laughing?"

Instantly, Celestia stopped. "No!" She snickered, trying to keep holding it in. "Mostly not." Another quiet chuckle leaked out. "I'm sorry Twilight, but hearing you talk like that's just so silly! I can't help myself!"

And Princess Celestia, Sol Invictus, Ruler of All Equestria, the Heavenly Mare, Equus Regina, Sun of Suns... fell over in mad laughter.

Twilight Sparkle pursed her lips and glared, attempting to think Princess Celestia to death.

Regicide was prevented by a knock on the door and the head of Raven Inkwell peeking in. "Princess? We have a problem. Your meeting with the Yakistani ambassador is still on-schedule, but an unexpected envoy from the Diamond Dogs has showed up and is demanding to speak with you immediately."

Celestia was on her hooves with a quick roll, her regal demeanor smothering her joy. "I see. That is a problem, Raven." Then - doom. She turned to the Princess of Friendship. "Twilight. I hate to do this given your... current state, but Equestria needs you. I must meet with the Diamond Dogs, but leaving the Ambassador waiting would be an unforgivable slight. And you remember how close we have come to war with them before." Rising to her full height, Princess Celestia loomed. "You must meet with the Ambassador, Twilight Sparkle. The fate of Equestria depends on it."

Fear - and her life - flashed before Twilight's eyes. "But.. but... Princess Luna..."

"Is in the Crystal Empire and shall not return anywhere near in time." Celestia closed that possibility off with deathly finality. "Only you, as Princess of Friendship, can do this task." She set a gentle wing on Twilight's shoulder. "I believe in you."

And with that, she was gone.

Ambassador Inge was getting uneasy. The two Royal Guards in the room could tell, because the yak was examining the refreshments table by giving it small pushes to see how smashable it was. While loudly talking to himself about how smashable the table was.

It was probably rubbing it in that he would glance over and look the Guards directly in the eyes while saying things such as "This table good for pony-made. Yak would have to put in noticeable effort to smash."

Both Guards were relieved when Princess Twilight entered to handle the situation.

She trotted in, wearing a pointed hat and cloak that were covered in stars. "The Great and Powerful Princess Twilight Sparkle has arrived to greet you, Ambassador!"

Both Guards were no longer relieved, as the Princess of Friendship had obviously gone insane.

The massive form of the Yakyakistan ambassador turned slowly - knocking over a chair as he did so. "Great and Powerful pony?"

Internally, Twilight cringed. Damn this curse! "Yes - Twilight Sparkle brings Great and Powerful greetings." She bowed to the yak. "She is most pleased to meet you, Ambassador."

Ambassador Inge stomped closer, looming over the bowing Twilight. "Small purple pony think she greater and more powerful than yak?" Great, stompy legs clad in thick fur flexed.

Twilight's pupils shrank. "N--No! The Great and-- What Twilight Sparkle means to say is not that she is Great and Powerful but that she is Great and Powerful!" She winced as the curse kicked in again. "Together! We all are! Be..because friendship?"

Her vision (and nostrils) filled with yak. "Inge is trusted with greatest of yak responsibilities. To bring yak way of life to ponies, make them better. Purple pony mean that ponies already Great and Powerful without yak help?"

There was no way to see the Ambassador's expression through the thick fur fringe that covered his eyes, but Twilight was pretty sure he was glaring death at her. "No! No, Twilight Sparkle doesn't mean it like that!"

Ambassador Inge ignored her protests. He turned away, tromping over to the refreshments table. "Yak make pony prove powerfulness!"

While Twilight had seen her share of yaks (which was to say, any at all compared to the average pony), what she observed was striking. The Ambassador went airborne in an ease entirely inappropriate for a wingless creature massing more than four pegasii. In mid-air he twirled gracefully, seemingly hanging in the sky as a fur-bearing hurricane. And then he descended - coming to earth like an enraged dragon.

The refreshments table never stood a chance. Century-old ivory-laced birch shards rocketed away from the impact site, pinging off the armor of the two distraught Guards. Then the Ambassador started stomping while repeatedly shouting "YAK SMASH" just to be sure the table was dead.

When it was all over, Ambassador Inge stepped clear of the woody carnage and snorted. "Yak would like to see purple pony great and powerful that."

The gauntlet had been thrown. Backing down would only make more trouble. So Twilight swallowed roughly and steeled herself to try.

To start with? She cast Ratchet's Rapid Repair, causing the destroyed table to fly back together and instantly retake the original shape. It wouldn't be a fair contest if she used a different table and--

"How pony do that?"

Twilight's panic-filled barrage of thoughts screeched to a halt. "Huh? Twilight means.. What?"

Ambassador Inge pointed a hoof at the re-assembled refreshments table. "Yak smash table. Table become unsmashed. How purple pony do that?"

"Twilight cast a repair spell? It's a common cantrip for unicorns and--"

She was interrupted by a yak hug. "Purple pony IS Great and Powerful! With pony help, yaks can smash twice as much with half as many things! Is important principle of economics to do more with less. Yaks and pones will be Great and Powerful together!"

Perhaps, Twilight thought, maybe she wasn't going to accidentally start a war after all.

Author's Note

Story Tone Meter

<-----|----->

Absurdist

Hooray!

The meeting with Ambassador Inge went wonderfully after that. They spent more than an hour showing how Great and Powerful Twilight was by having the guards bring in objects, the Ambassador smashing them and then having Twilight reconstitute them again.

Eventually the Ambassador even got around to why he had come in the first place - to negotiate the possibility of the Equestrian Weather Bureau extending their reach northwards to Yakyakistan. That part was actually easy, once Twilight's credentials as being Great and Powerful were accepted.

In the wake of the unexpected success, Twilight considered - while the curse was bad, maybe she could work with it? Live life normally instead of hiding until she solved it?

There was only one way to find out.

The lecture hall emptied out a bit faster than normal - less so because of the usual vigor for students to escape class and more because of a mounting sense of confusion.

"The guest lecturers that Princess Celestia brings in every year keep getting weirder," commented the pale blue unicorn to his companion as they trotted out towards lunch. "I get that this is Celestia's School For Gifted Unicorns but you'd think somepony would make her show some restraint."

The other - a pale orange mare - was less sure. "She's the Princess, I'm sure she knows what she's doing. Besides, that was Princess Twilight Sparkle!"

"I know," the stallion bemoaned. "She reminded us of that almost every sentence. In between reminding us of how powerful and famous she is."

"Great and Powerful," cut in the mare.

Hearing the phrase for roughly the four hundredth time in the last hour, the stallion twitched. "I know she's a Princess but she doesn't have to rub it in!"

"On the plus side, that really was a fascinating lecture on her former student and why mind-altering spells backfire so often." The mare lit her horn, shifting her saddlebags to a more comfortable place. "It really makes you think." She paused. "Maybe the name was part of the lesson? She was showing us what a small change in expression can do to perception?"

Her companion considered that. "...You're right. She doesn't change anything about her presentation except she speaks in the third person, and look at how it changes how we see her! She really is brilliant!"

Dear Princess Twilight;
I hope you're doing okay. Things are kind of chaotic here at Canterlot High - Rarity's gotten herself into trouble again. We're trying a student news report, and she did her part on emerging fashion trends. Like everything around here, it got out of hand immediately. She declared that rainbows are the next big thing and suddenly everyone at school has their hair dyed in rainbow colors. Dash thinks it's really cool but Rarity's been low-level freaking out for two days now. Have you dealt with anything like this?

Dear Sunset Shimmer;
The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle is familiar with this kind of problem! She has indeed dealt with similar things before and would like to hear more about the specifics of your situation.

Sunset?
.
.
.
Sunset Shimmer?

Octavia got the nod from Vinyl, and touched the button for the intercom. "First of all Princess, thank you for agreeing to record for us. I know your schedule is certainly quite packed, and your making time for a charity song is kind of you. Now - as this is a choral section of the song, your voice will be layered in with the other celebrities and musicians whom have generously donated their time."

The grey mare glanced to her partner for a moment before resuming. "The stand in front of you has the lyrics. You need not worry about perfection as the harmony of multiple voices will cover any less than perfect moments. Simply focus on keeping the proper timing and words, alright?"

In the recording booth, Twilight nodded nervously. She had a bad feeling, but skipping out on a charity event was too high a price to pay just for her own vanity. And the sales from this song would go towards helping starving chicks in Griffinstone!

From the booth, Vinyl started the recording and Octavia set the audio marker. "Barn Aid, Twilight Sparkle track, take one."

The first stanzas passed by as she waited - Octavia pointed at the Princess at her cue.

And as best she could, Twilight sang.

"Things may come and things may go
Some go fast and some go slow
Few things last, that's all Twilight Sparkle knows
But friendship carr--"

The music abruptly cut, and Octavia's voice came from the booth. "Princess, I'm sorry but you, ah. Could you re-read the lyrics please?"

Twilight buried her head in her hooves with a groan.

"Starlight? The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle has a question."

"Let me guess, it's about the curse."

"It is. Twilight Sparkle is trying to figure out - if she has to pick up Trixie's legacy, does that mean Twilight is supposed to make out with you?"

"...Get out of my bedroom."

"So that's a no?"

"Get out of my bedroom, Twilight."

The convention had been going amazingly so far - it wasn't a large one, but since the return of the Pillars there had been a significant boost to SwirlCON's attendance numbers. While originally it had been more of a scholastic conference on Star Swirl's works, the return and inclusion of the other five had given the convention more of a festive, celebratory atmosphere.

Pinkie Pie had approved.

For Twilight, it was the perfect crossroads that allowed her to attend a lecture on quantum thaumodynamics, pick up some Flash Magnus-themed merch for Rainbow Dash, and watch an impromptu rap battle between two costumed ponies pretending to be Rockhoof and Mistmane - all in the same two-hour slot.

SwirlCON was amazing and Twilight was having a great time.

Until...

"Your colors are wrong."

She stopped. "Excuse Twilight Sparkle?"

The pale pegasus pushed his glasses back up his muzzle. "Your Star Swirl cosplay. The colors are all wrong, you're missing the bells and not a single one of the stars on your cloak or hat is in the right position."

"Twilight Sparkle is not cosplaying." Twilight took off her hat and looked at it. Now that this random pony brought it up, Trixie's outfit did have a passing resemblance.

Instead of letting it go, the pegasus snorted. "I'll say you aren't. Even in the most charitable sense that costume could never be considered a real Star Swirl outfit." He sneered at her. "This is what you get when somepony with no appreciation for the true genius of Star Swirl comes to a convention."

He failed to notice that Twilight was twitching with barely-restrained anger. "Did... did you just imply the Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle is lacking in her Star Swirl knowledge?"

"Obviously you are," he noted before turning his nose up. "You're even giving yourself fake titles. What a wannabe loser."

Twilight's bail would be posted by Rainbow Dash several hours later (because she wasn't getting her Flash Magnus licensed replica shield otherwise). The offending pegasus would not recover from the stun blast until the next day.

Author's Note

Story Tone Meter

<-------|--->

Sitcom Clip Show Hijinks

What?!

Trixie's funeral was a somber affair - even though the weather was perfect. It was the least Twilight could do to pull a few strings and make sure that Trixie's last moments before being laid to rest were bright and full of sunshine.

The curse wasn't her fault, after all. She suffered through it too, and after a few days of it? Twilight had a new appreciation for what the magician had dealt with.

Starlight should really have been the one giving the eulogy at the graveside, but she'd declined. A glance over made it easy to see why - the poor mare was hidden behind a veil and was certainly barely holding together. Likely the only reason she was still standing was the rock-solid frame of Maud Pie. But even for herself, Maud seemed subdued and silent.

The only one who wasn't was Pinkie Pie - her eyes were full of tears and she sobbed loudly, but the party pony wasn't as grey and flat as she usually was when sadness abounded. Twilight supposed that the wake she had planned for later was enough to buoy Pinkie's spirits.

Taking her place at the head of the closed coffin, Twilight shut her eyes and took a deep breath. She could feel the stares of the crowd on her - on the hat and cloak that had been Trixie's. Her friends knew about the curse, but most of those present? To them Twilight was either paying deep tribute or was unspeakably cruel. Unfortunately, there was no way to avoid it other than to not be here. And while they might not have been best friends in life, Twilight would not do such a terrible thing as hide from Trixie now.

Her wings fluffed out, making the star-clad cloak billow. And Twilight began. "Trixie first came to Ponyville and didn't give the best impression. Her second time to Ponyville was even worse. But Twilight Sparkle would like to think that Trixie was simply an acquired taste - we needed the chance to get to know her before we found where she fit in our hearts."

"When Trixie returned to Ponyville the third time, she found that place. It was Starlight Glimmer who did it first, becoming Trixie's most faithful and loved friend." Twilight opened her eyes again, turning them to her former student. Starlight was shuddering behind the veil, obviously wracked with sobs. "Starlight in turn introduced Trixie to the rest of us and made our lives richer for it."

Now she looked out to the crowd - a little bit of Twilight's heart broke. While she saw everypony who had been there for Trixie's final, fateful show, there were two others who were missing. Trixie's parents hadn't arrived. That they would miss their own daughter's funeral was poignantly tragic atop the already sad state of things.

"The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle cannot speak for others, but she can for herself. And she says that Trixie was a special kind of friend. At times abrasive, at times infuriating. But those are not negatives. No! Trixie was there when Twilight needed her and often with an attitude that other friends hesitated to have. She kept Twilight Sparkle grounded. Humble. Reminded that alicorn wings do not make a pony better than another - that only what is in a pony's heart can show their true worth."

Twilight paused, taking off the hat - her hat, now - to dab the tears from her eyes with the brim. "Twilight Sparkle shall miss Trixie for that. She was strong. She was brave. She was Great and she was Powerful. She was a hero and she was--"

The eulogy was interrupted as sniffles became gasps. One pony in the crowd fainted. Pinkie Pie started to giggle like she'd lost her last marble. Twilight was perplexed at the crowd's reaction until she saw one of them pointing a hoof. And then she turned her head.

The star-spangled hat hovered beside Twilight in her magic. And Trixie's head was emerging out of it with a manic grin.

Later, Twilight would insist that she did not scream. She may have been briefly startled, but Princesses of Equestria do not scream in terror. Every other pony would also agree that she did not, since 'shriek' was a much more appropriate descriptor of what Twilight did.

The hat fell slightly as Twilight's magic let go and Trixie's took it instead. And then the silver-maned magician continued to pull herself out of her own hat until all four hooves were on the ground again. And she took a bow. "Thank you, ladies and gentlecolts! As Trixie said, she has demonstrated her mastery over death itself! You have been a wonderful audience, and the Great and Powerful Trixie thanks you for your patience to see this final trick through to the end!" The shock had worn off and the audience - realizing this was somehow still part of the show they had thought ended a week before - erupted into wild cheering.

Twilight was still ~~screaming~~ startled, laying on her back and staring at the dead returning to life. And that was when Starlight Glimmer - wonderful, brilliant, beloved Starlight Glimmer - leaned in, flipped up her veil and said one word into her mentor and redeemer's ear.

"Gotcha."

It finally clicked. Trixie was bowing and soaking up the crowd's adoration. Starlight was looking intensely smug. Pinkie Pie was giggling like an even greater lunatic than usual. And Maud had the slightest hint of the possibility of a faint smile just at the corners of her mouth.

Twilight mechanically rotated her head to look at Starlight. "what."

"Gotcha," Starlight repeated. "What, you thought only Rainbow Dash could prank ponies?"

Several hairs sprang lose from Twilight's mane. "But... but Trixie! The Punchtastic Crushterenator! Splato!" She edged ever-closer to gibbering.

Starlight clicked her tongue. "Crushtastic Puncturenator," she corrected. "And that part was easy. Trixie might have had a magic suppression ring on, but I didn't. So I swapped her out at the last possible second with one of Pinkie Pie's piñatas."

Helpfully, Pinkie bounced into view. "I filled it with strawberry marmalade!" And then just as quickly she was gone in a flurry of laughter.

Part of Twilight's brain melted like ice cream in August. "Twilight Sparkle saw how you were acting, Starlight! How upset you were!" She stumbled over her own thoughts. "And--and the drinking!"

Starlight rolled her eyes. "Trixie and I partied a little too much to celebrate her having a successful show. After that I just had to make sure to be frowning around you." She laughed. "I guess I'm a better actress than I thought!"

As the shock subsided, Twilight started to bring her mental state back into line. "But the curse! Twilight Sparkle is speaking in the third person still!"

"Oh, that." Starlight's grin spread wider. "I made up the whole story. And you were so busy looking for an ancient and complex dark magic curse, you completely overlooked the tiny and relatively benign Fiducia Compelus I placed on you while you were asleep. Plus a little Returnio Obscurum on the hat to keep putting it back to your head when you took your eyes off it."

Instantly, Twilight's horn lit to dispel the compulsion. Relief flooded through her as her ability to think in first person returned. "But that doesn't make sense - Princess Celestia would have spotted that immediately! I don't understand how she missed that!"

Starlight shrugged. "She was in on it."

"SHE WAS WHAT."

"She was in on it," Starlight repeated. "I knew that when you couldn't solve it yourself that you'd run to her for help, so I made sure she was in on the joke. All she asked was to get a picture of you--" Maud's camera snapped, capturing the look on Twilight's face. "--Right about now."

Twilight went dangerously silent as she grasped the fullness of the scheme.

Fate decided that this moment was the perfect one for Trixie to approach. Oozing smug like the Smooze, she lifted her cloak off of Twilight's back and put it on herself again. "Well Princess, how was the show?" Trixie repeatedly nudged Twilight, beaming. "Impressed? Stunned to silence? I know, I know, I really am amazing. You even admitted in in that speech! And I must say, it touched my heart to know you think so highly of me, Twilight. Your words were inspiring, even to the Great and Powerful--"

Trixie lept back just in time to avoid being burned as Twilight Sparkle erupted into flame.

"TRRRIIIIIXXXIIIIIEE!"

As an experienced showmare, Trixie knew how to spot a cue and this was hers. Yanking a large firework out of her hat, she lit the fuse on Twilight's flaming mane, hopped on board and rocketed off to the horizon. Starlight opted for a safer and quicker option - teleporting away. Maud impassively stood there, because she was innocent aside from taking a picture.

Full of flame and fury, Twilight Sparkle - no longer Great and Powerful but still Absolutely Furious - charged out of the graveyard to chase down Trixie and Starlight.

Author's Note

Story Tone Meter

<---------|->

PRANK'D!

A special shout out to the folks (first of whom was Scyphi) who went 'waaaaait a second' and realize that of course I'm not going to kill off Second Best Pony. I'm not a monster.