The Sparkle Lettersby dawnbreezChapters"Fan Fiction""Dinner and Descartes""Are you there, God? It's Me, Sparkle""Emo-tional Moment""The 34th Law of the Internet""Sad World""The Ends of the Scale""The Golden Rule""Impossible Things""Workers of Nightmares""The Complication""Negotiations""Escape Plan""A Rather Vital Error""God Has Left the Building""Terrible Truth""Cancelled""Going Boldly""Fan Fiction"Dear Princess Celestia, Today I made an incredible discovery. By aligning a certain set of crystals in a specific 3-dimensional array (I shall send you my notes on their positions posthaste), I was able to open a gateway--a gateway to another world! Naturally, I immediately stepped through. As the Princess of Friendship, and the head of the Friendship Academy, I am perfectly equipped to perform diplomatic duties. On the other side, I met a strange creature. It walked on its hindlegs, carrying a bag of some sort in one forelimb and a hot beverage in the other. It was quite excited to meet me! Amazingly, our languages were mostly compatible, although I shall have to determine the meaning of the word "shit" and why it might be holy. After exchanging some pleasantries, I asked it what its name and gender is. Apparently, it was a male--and after some thought, he gave his name, and explained some things about his species. Apparently they are "humans", and their social structure is quite complicated. Why, the human I had met was known as Barack of Bama, and he said that he was previously a great ruler. I was honored to make his acquaintance! He offered to introduce me to the world of the Humans, and I was more than happy to accept his invitation. More details in an upcoming letter. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess Celestia, This day was so eventful! The human known as "Barack" brought me to his home--it was surprisingly small, despite being part of a massive tower. He explained that because there are so many, many levels in the human hierarchy, many powerful rulers share their towers to save on costs. Clever! The humans are clearly very skilled architects, and that's not even the most amazing thing I saw. He had a window of some kind--he called it a "TV". It was not attached to any wall, and he explained that it could display all sorts of things, like the scrying mirrors of old. He said that we would be using it to discover many things about humans! But first, he said that he had to buy some groceries, as he had only planned on feeding himself that day. I knew that he was doing so out of the kindness of his heart, so I didn't mind. That having been said, I could not help my curiosity. I began experimenting with the strange little rectangle sitting on the table in front of this "TV", and to my surprise, I found that it controlled the TV! I soon found that I could select various records from "You Tube", and it is here that my journey took a strange and confusing turn. I saw that one record contained an image of me. It was labeled "Friendship is Witchcraft"; I do not know if the word has the same meaning in this new world as it did in my own, and so I did not think much of it. When I activated it, it began showing visions of me and my friends--but...they were subtly different. Fluttershy was...not Fluttershy at all. She said things that I had never imagined Fluttershy would say--and her voice wasn't quite right either. I watched, enthralled, as Fluttershy coordinated an invasion of Parasprites, as I constructed a totally reasonable fortification of knowledge. At about the moment that the Parasprites began tearing through the town, I heard a thump, and turned to see that Barack had returned! He must have seen the confusion in my eyes, for he looked utterly shocked--and he showed a great deal of concern at my discovery. He explained to me what a "TV Show" is, and that--in his world--they know of Equestria as the stuff of legend. Further, they have a strange relationship with legends--why, he seemed to see no issue at all with changing how the tale is told. This "Friendship Is Witchcraft" show is a retelling, a "fanfiction". But, more importantly...it is not real. The humans do not believe legends, not in the way that we do. I shall have to investigate carefully, then. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. "Dinner and Descartes"Dear Princess Celestia, I apologize for the delay between the previous letter and this one; I had many things to unpack, mentally speaking. I also had to find a way to get this letter to Spike--some of the crystals that I require for a return trip are not...present. They should be available via magic, but it will take time. For now, I have worked out a simple teleportation spell that will suffice for inanimate objects. But, I'm getting off topic. After the previous letter, Barack and I sat down to dinner, and I made yet another startling discovery. Barack eats meat. In fact, he eats steak. I nearly fainted at the sight of it. After he stopped me from falling out of my chair--human chairs are unusually large, as are humans--I asked him who he had slaughtered, how many. It took some time for him to explain the things I had not understood previously. You see, humans are the only species in their world which communicates. To their knowledge, cows--and horses--and all other animals--are completely mindless. What is--to me--a horrible crime, is to him merely the course of life. I immediately asked him if I could see a cow, and he replied that he knew of no convenient way to find one; they were kept far away from cities, in expansive pastures, to be fed until... I apologize. It must be very hard to read this. I struggle to understand it even now. Barack says that he understands how hard it is to understand this--and he apologized, and said that he should not have eaten something that would upset me. He does not mean any harm to me. Perhaps I am overreacting? I feel so very confused. Barack says that there are some famous humans who may be able to help me. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess Celestia, I slept poorly. But, upon waking, I found that Barack had made pancakes. I put my past experiences behind me, and prepared myself to learn about a famous human named "Descartes". His name sounds oddly similar to the pony known as Haycart; I wonder if there are other coincidences like this one. At least Descartes is easy to understand. He sought to work out a way of...well, working everything out. He was most famous for saying "I think, therefore I am"--that he could prove his own existence, because if he's going to doubt his own existence, then something must be doing the doubting. A brilliant leap of logic. Descartes believed that good and evil can be proven, that they are like a mathematical equation or a scientific law. So, Barack said, we must be able to reason out whether it is good or evil for him to eat meat. He then laid out his case: he had it on good authority that cows in his world do not think or talk; he therefore concluded that to kill one is not murder, for murder is a crime committed against a thinking being. I have to admit, it makes a certain kind of sense. At first, I was reluctant, but Barack pointed out that it's only natural for me to assume my own morals are better than his. I had never considered the possibility that our morals are just wrong, even if only in another world. I will be seeking out more information later. For one thing, there are images of Descartes with references to giving one the "D". I have to ask Barack what this means. Until then, your humble student Twilight Sparkle. "Are you there, God? It's Me, Sparkle"Dear Princess Celestia, Firstly, I have discovered what the "D" is. Apparently this is an element of human courtship rituals. I shall not elaborate. Secondly, Barack took me on a trip through his city today. Many humans stopped and stared at me. I am not surprised; I must be the first pony they have ever met. But one thing stuck out to me, as I heard them murmur. I turned to Barack and asked him: Who is God, and could I please talk to him? He grew concerned, and I realized I was about to learn something very important. What follows is a summary of what I have learned about the being which takes on the role that you and Luna do in our world. In the beginning, God created the Earth over the course of precisely six days, taking one day afterward to rest. It is said that the seventh day of the week is holy for Humans, because of this. Most important among God's creations were the first Man and Woman, "Adam" and "Eve", who were instructed not to eat a specific fruit from a special tree of "knowledge of good and evil"--perhaps something similar to the Tree of the Elements? But they did so anyway, aided by a snake. When they did so, they began covering themselves with crude clothes made of leaves--perhaps this is why the humans are constantly wearing clothing? God apparently grew very angry at this, and cursed both of them. Then, there was some business with Cain and Abel. One attempted to kill the other. Then, God decided to wipe out all humans save for one chosen family, using a massive flood. And then, God allowed an evil creature simply called "The Devil" to torture a man, simply to prove that this man would continue to pray... I grow uneasy. Barack seems nice enough, but if the humans have such a vengeful God, how will this God react when I meet him? Barack says that I probably won't meet God anytime soon, but I told him I intend to. What kind of diplomat would I be if I weren't willing to meet their greatest leader? Your brave and adventurous student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess Celestia, Apparently "meeting God" is a euphemism in the Humans' world. They have such strange ways of talking. Your vaguely confused student, Twilight Sparkle. "Emo-tional Moment"Dear Princess Celestia, I have discovered Barack's collection of music. The incredible scrying devices which these humans carry are capable of storing hundreds of pieces of music, and can "download" more from "the cloud". I've never heard of music from a cloud before! Could you ask Rainbow Dash if she knows anything about it? In any case, human music is fascinating. It encompasses such a wide variety of emotion. Why, today I discovered emotions that I had never understood before! While Barack prepared our dinner, I started listening to a song called 'Possum Kingdom'. At first, it sounded like a love song--a discordant one, but a love song nonetheless. But as I listened, I realized it was speaking of a very strange love indeed--perhaps a corrupt and disturbed love, of the kind that Queen Chrysalis might hold for her subjects. Ultimately, I discovered that the song had a darker undertone. "Do you wanna die?" the singer asked, over and over, promising his imaginary lover an eternity of perfect beauty if she would only be his "angel". I laid there on a bed, listening to this human ask me if I wanted to die, and I realized I had never THOUGHT about it. I hadn't even thought about what it means to die. I felt a whirlwind of emotion rising in me. Barack opened the door to tell me that dinner was ready, and asked if I was okay, and--I am ashamed to admit--I shouted that I didn't know. Thankfully, some deep breaths and a little introspection helped quite a bit. Anyway, Barack will be giving me a guided tour of his musical library tomorrow. I can only imagine what incredible feelings I will discover from it. As much as I enjoy Pinkie's sugar-sweet songs, I find it almost relieving to listen to something that isn't merely happy. Your enlightened (and very lively!) student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess Celestia, I learned some very interesting things about humans, as a result of listening to this music. Much of what we listened to was the work of one man, under the name "Nine Inch Nails"; the rest was the work of a quartet known as "The Beatles". Nine Inch Nails had produced many pieces of music similar in tone to "Possum Kingdom", but with instruments even more unrecognizable than the ones used in that tune. Meanwhile, the Beatles produced as wide a variety of sounds, if not wider, but theirs were quite sonorous. Why, their mastery of harmony led me to believe they must be some of the nicest people to have existed in Barack's world! Then he told me about Jeanne Le Non, one of the four members of the Beatles--about the times when he grew frustrated and angry, and began attacking the people around him, the people who loved him. This man, who sang that all you need is love, had no love to give. And the man who called himself by the name "Nine Inch Nails", who wrote dischordant barely-songs about horrible violence...he is one of the nicest men in existence. Happily married for years. I don't understand. How could a person talk about love and kindness, and not believe in it with their heart and soul? How could someone say that all you need is love, when clearly love is not enough? I'll be writing a few more letters soon. Twilight Sparkle "The 34th Law of the Internet"Dear Princess, Today I discovered what 'pornography' is. Apparently, humans are not very good at seeking out relationships. I don't know why, but they don't feel magic when they interact with each other. In fact, I cannot feel any magic in this place other than my own. Perhaps I shouldn't dwell on it. Back to the topic at hand--er, hoof. Humans are not good at finding relationships of any kind. Thus, when they are sexually frustrated, they often turn to images of humans engaged in sex acts, or...ponies, engaged in sex acts. Evidently, they have a very complicated relationship with their stories. Barack tells me that, in the human world, everything that exists has been made into some form of porn. I assured him that, as the princess of friendship, I will do my best to help him find companionship, though I am likely not as skilled as Cadence would be. His face grew red at this, and I took it as a sign that he was offended--I apologized, and then he apologized, and there was quite a lot of talking over each other before I realized: He thought I was saying I would lay with him. Obviously, I didn't. It would be a conflict of interest of the highest order for a diplomat to engage a foreign dignitary in coitus. I shall leave it at that. Suffice to say, human courtship rituals are incredibly strange. Your student, Twilight Sparkle Curse that pretty purple pain in my posterior! I should have known that Twilight would lay a trap for me. I thought I was going to get the drop on her with this traced teleport spell--that I would land right on top of her, overpower her, and quickly gain control of the lynchpin of Equestria's defenses! But no, instead I found myself in this land of towering stone and bipedal freaks. Worse than that, they have no love to give me! Or so it seems, anyway. The one I encountered seemed more than willing, but when I drained him of his emotions...there were no emotions to drain! It was as if the thing simply didn't have any magic in it. I fear for my safety here. I need to find something that has magic, something I can feed off of. "Sad World"Dear Princess, I have been studying very carefully. The humans must have some kind of magic. Barack has told me many times that magic simply does not exist in his world, but I refuse to believe him. Unfortunately, my studies have not borne any fruit. First, I perused the Internet, the scrying network which Barack introduced me to. Many, many results appeared when I searched. Surely, they had to be real, but to my dismay none of them seemed to have any coherent principles or patterns. Many of them turned out to be works of fiction--unreal, never true. Psionics presented a promising lead, but I was quickly stumped here as well--again, nothing seemed to fit into the pattern of laws that our magic follows. Barack suggested I watch another work of fiction with him--a story about a young boy who discovers his own magical powers, and travels to a school filled with wizardry--but this only made me more upset. I didn't want to learn about fake magic. I wanted proof of real magic. I wanted to put to rest the itching worry in the back of my head, the sinking feeling in my gut--the idea that these humans simply don't have the magic of friendship. I eventually turned to a more local source--a magic show, performed at a local theater, by a man who is said to be one of the best in his field. But when I got there, I found that his field was the same as Trixie's--he was no spellcaster, merely an illusionist. I write this now as I lay on the couch, waiting for Barack to finish preparing tonight's dinner, and I am despairing. Are these humans truly alone? Is that why I feel so alone here? Your student, Twilight Sparkle. My predicament presents one useful side effect, at least. There are almost no traces of magic here--but what little I can find, I recognize immediately. The stench of that prissy little princess lingers upon it. I'll have her soon enough; for now, I'll simply hide out in this alley and plan my vengeance. But--what's that noise? An intruder? I shall ambush them. Aha, two humans are fighting. I can pick off the winner with ease once they have concluded this little tussle. "The Ends of the Scale"Dear Princess, I spoke with Chrysalis today. Asked her why she was here, and received the same response as yesterday--that she wanted to apologize, that she wanted 'forgiveness'. I didn't believe her, of course. Then, she tried to demoralize me--she began babbling about this world's lack of magic, and insisted that humans were disgusting creatures whose only desire is to harm others. Once again, I did not believe her. Barack has been so kind to me. How could such a horrible species have such a kind individual in it? Surely humans can't be monsters, as Chrysalis claimed. But now that I'm writing this letter--now that I've retired to the couch, and Chrysalis to a pile of pillows in the kitchen--now I'm having second thoughts. After all, the humans' God is a terrible thing, and so was Hitler--why, both of them were far worse than any being that I know of in Equus. I worry that humans really are terrible creatures. I wonder if Chrysalis really is lying. But there has to be magic in this world...right? Your worried student, Twilight Sparkle. She wouldn't listen! Of course she wouldn't listen. Nobody would listen to a Changeling, a liar. I have always hated her, but now--now I only hate myself. I wake up in the middle of the night, as the creature--the human, Barack--retrieves something from his refridgerator. He sees that I have been crying again. He asks if I am okay. Twilight mentioned that in his world, our story is simply a story--and that he knows things about us that only our closest friends do. He knows what I am. How can he be kind to me? As he wraps his arms around me, I drift off into a confused sleep. "The Golden Rule"Dear Princess, Today I found Barack and Chrysalis on the floor of the kitchen, holding each other. I didn't think she would make her move so soon! I shoved her away, demanding answers, but Barack stepped between us. I was ready to deal with both of them if I had to, but Barack spoke the code phrase, and I knew he wasn't under Chrysalis's control. I asked him how he could defend someone so terrible as Chrysalis, and he told me of a rule that his people have had for two thousand years: That which is good to you, do to others. That which is bad to you, do not do to others. I looked past him, and saw that Chrysalis had begun to cry again; and I wondered how I would feel, if she were to throw me out of bed and start making demands. If she were to start calling me a monster. Have I really been so terrible to her? Twilight Sparkle She stared at me, her eyes wide and innocent. Somehow, it had never occurred to her that she might have been unfair in her treatment of me. It had never occurred to me, either. This 'golden rule' of which Barack spoke--nobody in Equestria had ever had such an idea. Nobody needed to. Celestia was the ultimate force of goodness, and creatures such as I were the ultimate evil; there were no questions to be had. You could tell in a moment who would hurt you, in Equestria; you could feel it. They'd wear on you, instead of building you up. You would feel weaker around them. Here, there is no magic to tell you who your friends are, and any human could turn out to be a monster. They needed something to use in place of Celestia, a rule that they could follow to avoid hurting each other. It's brilliant, in a way. Unfortunately, I don't think everyone follows it. "Impossible Things"Dear Princess Celestia, First, I thank you for writing back. I had begun to worry that none of my letters had actually gotten to you. Secondly, I wish to share an incredible discovery with you: The 'window' which enables O'Bama to view moving images is capable of far more than just that! It is, in fact, a fully functioning example of a thing long thought impossible with mere magic: A thinking machine! He was very careful to explain that there are limits to what it can do. It is only able to perform actions in the form of special instructions called 'code' or 'programs'. However, it is capable not only of displaying moving pictures, but creating them--responding to 'user input'--performing calculations at incredible speed--and many other feats. Most astounding is that the humans primarily use these devices for entertainment. I will elaborate on this soon, but first, please find attached my updated portal schematic. The structural issues were not my first priority in my rough draft, and that was careless of me. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle 'Dear' Princess, Twilight recommended that I begin writing letters to you as well. She seems to think of you as nigh-omnipotent--which makes a certain amount of sense, given our mutual condition. Immortality does seem like infinite power to a mortal, and Twilight does not fully grasp the fact of her own undying nature. That having been said, I wish to apologize. I know--me, apologizing. Believe it or not, I finally saw what so many others were shown--the error of my ways. I saw that I was hurting ponies, and that no matter what my reasoning was, the truth is that I did it because I wanted to hurt them. Perhaps I did not know until after my hive changed, but there is no excuse after that. I also wish to tell you that I no longer intend Twilight any harm. My growling stomach is proof enough of that. I might as well be honest: I am afraid of how she will react if I tell her I am starving. She has been going mad, trying to find a source of Human magic. I, on the other hand, have already seen that there is none. If I tell her that I cannot feed on the humans, then she may well lose hope entirely. With humbled step, Queen Chrysalis "Workers of Nightmares"Dear Princesses, I see I caught your attention with talk of thinking machines which are used as mere playthings. You seem confused as to why such a powerful device would be necessary for a game. The thing is, these games are wildly complex--and surprisingly detailed. The first example I encountered was a game the humans call Counter-Strike. It is primarily played in teams of 5; I am told other games are more flexible, but Counter-Strike relies heavily on teamwork and a numbers advantage would tilt the game in one side's favor. One team is called the 'Terrorists'. I have tried to transliterate it to Ponish, and the closest analogue is in Old Ponish: 'vargen noktmaesi'--workers of nightmares. I have asked O'Bama about this, and he has said that the 'Terrorists' are based upon various terrible groups of Humans who committed great acts of evil. Within this game, the Terrorists have a singular goal: Use an explosive to destroy something within the play area. There are two possible 'bomb sites' which the Terrorists can destroy, and either one grants victory. The other team is the 'Counter-Terrorists', whose goal is--naturally--to counter the terrorists. They, in turn, are based on the soldiers who bravely go forth and do battle with the Terrorists. Where this becomes far more interesting--and requires a thinking machine--is the 'fog of war'. Neither team has complete knowledge of the other team's position. This would be impossible on a shared board. It is perhaps possible with a pair of boards and a divider, but tracking movements would become nigh impossible and bog down the game. And, with the thinking machine tracking all players in real time, it is possible for the players to play the game in real time as well! And I have not even begun speaking of the elements of dexterity and skill--such as controlling one's weapon, as the firearms used by the characters in the game tend to buck wildly about when fired. The way each weapon moves is predictable, and I have already mastered the 'P90'. Such a game would simply not be possible on a tabletop. Amazingly--and amusingly--the game also includes a function by which one can speak through the thinking machine to the other players, who could be situated in many countries around the planet; they appear to think I am a particularly good imitation of myself. It is somewhat strange to hear someone talk to you as if you are merely a storybook character--to hear the amusement in their voice, as they conclude you must be simply a great ventriloquist. But this is all unimportant. Please, send word of your progress with the portal. I will confer with O'Bama regarding the official introduction of our kind to America. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle Dear Princess, Twilight has been going on and on about that game she just learned about. It seems she's really been inspired by this simulation. I wonder, has the game's own inspiration simply gone over her head? I have begun scouring this 'internet' for information. Aside from some very...entertaining images, I found quite a lot of information about the 'Terrorists' in this little game. And they are disturbing. There are many reasons for their conflicts, but each one of these groups shares a single unifying feature: Their total willingness to commit any evil in the name of their cause. Of course, I'm one to talk. You're quite familiar with my work, aren't you? I'm more disgusted by myself than by these villains. Your forgiveness is appreciated, however. It heartens me to know that, despite how much you've seen me do, you believe me when I say I wish to do better. Perhaps, as the human said, I do deserve a second chance. With bated breath, Queen Chrysalis "The Complication"Dear Princess Celestia, There is one other thing I must mention, which I forgot to bring up in my previous letter. I've been very busy, you see. But first... Barack took me aside shortly after Rainbow Dash arrived. Already, local news organizations were reporting her arrival. Our diplomatic introduction to Humanity has been...complicated. And there's one more complication: Barack is not actually an important human. His name is not even Barack. He has asked that I not reveal his true name here; he wishes to remain Anonymous, as he worries that these letters might be published later. He only wanted to help, and to feel important. He apologized deeply for lying to me. I reassured him. He only wanted the best, and besides, he IS important--he was MY introduction to Humanity, and he has been both incredibly kind and unbelievably helpful. I told him he was forgiven, and that I would always consider him my friend; and he cried as I held him, right before the police banged their fists on the door and demanded to see us. I write this letter from a small room in a Human government building. I am still struggling to understand the structure of their government, as it has many, many layers. It isn't quite as Barack described it, either. They say that the negotiations will be...complicated. No Human has ever met a talking, thinking being which isn't Human, though many claim to have met otherworldly beings. I hope that I will still get to speak with Barack. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle Dear Princess Celestia, You have no idea how hard it was to get this letter to you. It took hours of arguing with the guards at the embassy before Twilight stepped in and made her demands. They're letting me send exactly one letter across, so I gotta make it count. I wanted to say I'm sorry. Twi says I've done a good job explaining things to her, but honestly, I was just playing around--and I could have ruined the whole thing in the process. I came THIS close to diplomatically making all Hell break loose. All because I thought this was just like My Little Dashie (but you don't know about that one, do you?). You need a guide--and I don't think any of the stuck-up pricks in the White House are gonna do a good job. Our politics aren't like yours. We talk a big game about evil and fighting for what's right, but the reality is, anybody who has any power over here took it out of someone else's pockets. You can't trust them. Oh, shit, I almost forgot--RD's getting pretty good treatment, but I think someone who watches the show was involved in the decision-making, because Chryssy's been put in a cell. They told Twilight they just wanted to take precautions, and Twi agreed, because Twi doesn't know what happens when humans get to lock people up without a trial or a time limit. I'm not feeling too optimistic about this whole thing, but you ponies have pulled through worse, right? You can handle Cozy Glow, I'm sure you can handle a room full of Cozy Glows. Fingers crossed, Anonymous p.s. "fingers crossed" is a good-luck saying over here "Negotiations"dear princess celestia, I apologize for the delay. Knowing you and the other princesses, you've been worried sick! Not much has happened, though i did get to meet with the leader of the country of america, one president don al t'rump. Only time will tell if we can arrange something. When the time comes, i will write you again. Hopefully, it will be soon, and we'll get it all over with. Everypony will be safe. Life will go on. I'll have to have another new castle! Exciting, isn't it? Sorry that we have to build a new one so soon. Having gotten that out of the way, here's an odd little tidbit about america: they are currently staging a coup! Evidently, a process known as "impeachment" is taking place, currently led by the democrats, t'rump's sworn enemy. Luckily, the whole thing is completely bloodless. Providing nobody starts a fight, the process will begin and end without a single sword drawn! Completely harmless. He has claimed that the democrats are cheating, though. Ridiculous! You would think that they'd have more respect for the process. Such is life for humans, though. Apparently this sort of thing happens all the time. Linking a crime back to the perpetrator is very rare, though. I have offered my assistance, and t'rump has graciously accepted my offer. Soon, i'll be speaking to the democrats' leaders. P.S. Thank you for reminding me of the first time I sent you mail. I have always believed that my first letters is the most important message of all. "Escape Plan"Dear Princess, First of all, thank you for thinking of me. I will describe what the humans did to me in a later missive. Their cruelty is deeper than I imagined. Your behavior, on the other hoof, confuses me. I admit I understand the logic of sending Spike, of all people, to my aid. Both because he can send letters for me, and because his obsession with Rarity is obvious fuel for my powers. But I do not understand how you could bring yourself to do it. Even I can see that Spike is an adolescent dragon, emphasis on adolescent, and that by indulging him I may be causing both Spike and Rarity incredible emotional harm in the future. Then again, perhaps I am particularly suited to seeing this. I have spent my whole life indulging ponies in their bad relationship habits; I have watched as husbands abandoned wives, as teenage ponies gave up on romance to pursue simple physical contentedness. I have tempted them, sure, but more often than not they do it to themselves. Twilight believes that humans are worse at romance than ponies are; I think that humans are simply more cautious about it. Thinking about it, maybe I am good for something after all. If you could not see this harm, and I could, perhaps I could become an advisor of sorts? But enough about that. I am sure you want to hear about how I escaped. It was quite simple, really; after an eyebrow-raising ten minutes (perhaps Rarity will be happier with Spike if I speak of his performance?), I sent Spike to a corner of the cell and awaited my usual tormentor. He stepped in, and--energized by the desires I had just fed upon--I tackled him to the ground and assumed his form. He suffered quite a blow to his head. Spike expressed worry for him. After putting on the human's uniform, I told him to shut up and follow me. Shortly thereafter, I led him out the front door. Any guard who asked was told that Spike had appeared somewhere inside the building, and was asking to see Twilight Sparkle. This was immediately accepted, as technicolor creatures appearing out of thin air was the hot new trend in Reality. After that, I made a beeline (pardon the expression) for Barack's apartment. I will write again when I am good and ready. -- Chrysalis Dear Princess Sunbutt, That was FAST. I'm impressed, both by you and by Chryssy--walking right out the front door? She's got bigger balls than anybody I know. I'm also glad to hear you got the message through to Twi. We stand a chance of actually helping people, now. God-and-Princesses only know how messy it could've gotten if Twi started debating Trump on immigration policy, or worse, started agreeing with him. The next thing you need to warn her about is the unrest. Some people are getting mad that the first intelligent species we met was tiny technicolor horses. Others see the Princesses as an affront to God himself. Everyone wants to know if Twilight's a Democrat or a Republican, and there is NO right answer in that one. And I hope and pray that the other countries of the world don't pick up on the existence of the tiny magic equines. Oh, by the way. The show's finale is coming up soon. Between you and me, I hope it won't end your world. -- Anonymous "A Rather Vital Error"Dear Princess Celestia, I have been studying Barack's collection of historic records, and already have discovered many interesting facts. For instance, the Devil mentioned in my prior letter on their God has actually incarnated in several forms! His most recent was a human named "Reynauld Rei'gan", who irreparably damaged the country of America by starting a long-running war that has yet to end. The vicious things known as the Drugs must be incredibly dangerous, if such a war would be so ruinous and so long. Perhaps more importantly, I have learned of the many ways in which humans communicate! They use incredible artifacts that enable them to write messages to each other even faster than Spike's letters can be sent! They can even communicate with their voices, or face-to-face--once again I am reminded of the scrying mirrors that the Unicorns once used. I quickly deduced how to use this device; it works by detecting when a human pokes it. Naturally, I was able to simulate such an act, though I had to modify my telekinesis spell quite a bit to achieve this. I learned that there are many, many more "fanfictions" of various legendary figures. I learned that humans commonly refer to each other as bundles of sticks, for some reason. And I learned about a legendary ruler, who united a country and could do no wrong. I shall ask Barack for more information about these things soon. Your studious student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess, I rescind what I said in the previous letter. Hitler did many things wrong. "God Has Left the Building"Dear Princess, Today I met someone who does not believe in God. It sounds absurd, right? Someone who doesn't believe in the existence of their greatest ruler? But here he is--a man who refuses to believe in God, or in 'Allah' (apparently another god of this world), or in any of the numerous other deific figures. He insists that no rational person would believe in something they cannot prove exists. I asked him if he had ever met God. He said that nobody has. What kind of ruler is this God? He demands strange and unusual acts of his followers, kills them out of spite or frustration, and then refuses to step up and lead his people? He just sits in "Heaven" all day and night, watching from his hidden kingdom, letting horrible things happen to test the faith of his followers. I think I understand why there are humans who do not believe God exists. Maybe it would be better to not have a ruler than to have a ruler so wicked. Twilight Sparkle I observed the fight, laying in wait. At first, it seemed to be over instantly; the smaller, weaker one was clearly no match for the other. But then, I observed something utterly baffling. The larger one began forcefully mating with the smaller one. Perhaps these humans feed on each other's emotions, much like my kind do? But if so, I would have felt it, would have had the opportunity to feed. This was something utterly different. It is true, I do enjoy trapping a pony--watching them squirm as I draw my sustenance from them, but it is still feeding. Perhaps this creature simply enjoys the thrill of the hunt? I waited and waited, until it was done. "Terrible Truth"As the larger creature walked away, the smaller one propped itself up on its forelimbs and made a strange, coughing noise. I crept closer, wondering what it was doing--and I discovered that it was crying. It was in pain. Its clothes were in tatters, and I realized that--despite being unable to feed on their emotions--why, their emotions still existed. I realized that the reason I was starving was not because this is a world without emotion--it is because it is a world without magic to carry that emotion. And, even though they have no magic to speak of...they had still found a way to affect each other. To hurt each other. I realized in that moment that the larger creature was not doing this for the thrill of hunting, but for the thrill of hurting. What kind of creature hurts another of its kin, knowing that it will gain nothing, purely for the sensation of hurting someone? Me. I am that creature. Moon save me. Dear Princess, Firstly, I wish to assure you that I am not in danger, and that I have not been harmed. I tell you this because Chrysalis had somehow followed me to this world. When I saw her, she was lying in the mouth of an alleyway. Barack gasped when he saw her, and I nearly leapt into battle then and there. But when I called her name, she didn't even lift her head. I demanded to know why she was here, and in response...she burst into tears and begged forgiveness. Right now, Chrysalis is in the bathroom, washing herself. I am guarding the door, to ensure that Barack is not endangered. She surely has some sort of evil plan. I told Barack to be careful, and taught him a secret code phrase, so that we can identify each other for sure. I'm not going to let anybody else be hurt by her lies. Your watchful student, Twilight Sparkle. "Cancelled"Dear Princess, I have bad news. Barack says that our show is being 'cancelled'. There will be no more of our story. I do not know what this will do to our world. I fear that it will end all of us. To that end, I've enclosed instructions for a larger, more permanent gateway. Chrysalis and I will be waiting for you all to come through. I can't guarantee that this new world will support all of us, but I spoke with Barack, and he agrees that an uncertain future is better than none. Good luck. Twilight Sparkle She looks different when she's not sure of herself. I had never noticed--her emotions were my food, not my business--but now I saw it clearly: the way she curled in on herself, putting on a big smile, trying to hold herself high even though the weight of her thoughts pushed her down. I sat next to her, and gently tapped her shoulder; she looked up at me like a frightened larva. I could have crushed her, in that moment; but I had nothing to gain from it, and everything to lose. Instead, we held each other. Any pony would be hard pressed to call us enemies in that moment. I don't think she's my enemy, anymore. "Going Boldly"Princess Celestia, It's a good thing you sent me over first, because I don't think anypony else could have survived being dropped over the ocean! I had to do a lot of flying to make it back over solid land, and it was enough to wear ME out. You have no IDEA how hard that is. Then again, I might have gotten into a race. With some giant metal birds. Those 'humans' Twilight talked about were riding them, and when I tried to show them how fast I could go, they actually kept up! I'm kinda impressed. Those things were pretty huge, it must've taken a lot of training to get them to go so fast. What's weird is that my Sonic Rainboom took longer than normal. I don't FEEL weaker. Twilight said that the speed of sound might be different here. I always thought I couldn't hear anything after the boom because of...you know, the boom. But I guess it's because not even SOUNDS can keep up with me! She also said something about how weird it is that I got dumped out in a different place than her, and her human friend started saying egghead things about the planet moving around on its own. I didn't really care about most of it. I wanted to know more about those huge metal birds. Your awesome student, Rainbow Dash! Dear Princess, It's a good thing you sent Rainbow over first, because I completely miscalculated the teleport spell. As you know, all teleport spells require a reference point from which the final position is measured; for inanimate objects like this letter, the recipient is acceptable, and for short-range 'blinks' the caster is a usable reference point, but as distance increases, using small and mobile references becomes much more inaccurate. It has been noted that as one attempts longer-range teleports with oneself as the reference, one's altitude increases--this is how Star Swirl proved that Equestria is not flat. As such, long-range teleportation often uses the celestial bodies as references, because the position of the sun is always the same for a given time of day. In this universe, the sun and moon move without magical intervention. Humans have no control over it. Their positions change slightly over time, and their orbits aren't even in sync--Barack spoke of 'eclipses', where the moon would block out the sun, not by a Nightmare's intervention, but of its own accord. I have begun work on an improved calculation, which will account for the movements of the sun and moon within this universe.
"Fan Fiction"Dear Princess Celestia, Today I made an incredible discovery. By aligning a certain set of crystals in a specific 3-dimensional array (I shall send you my notes on their positions posthaste), I was able to open a gateway--a gateway to another world! Naturally, I immediately stepped through. As the Princess of Friendship, and the head of the Friendship Academy, I am perfectly equipped to perform diplomatic duties. On the other side, I met a strange creature. It walked on its hindlegs, carrying a bag of some sort in one forelimb and a hot beverage in the other. It was quite excited to meet me! Amazingly, our languages were mostly compatible, although I shall have to determine the meaning of the word "shit" and why it might be holy. After exchanging some pleasantries, I asked it what its name and gender is. Apparently, it was a male--and after some thought, he gave his name, and explained some things about his species. Apparently they are "humans", and their social structure is quite complicated. Why, the human I had met was known as Barack of Bama, and he said that he was previously a great ruler. I was honored to make his acquaintance! He offered to introduce me to the world of the Humans, and I was more than happy to accept his invitation. More details in an upcoming letter. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess Celestia, This day was so eventful! The human known as "Barack" brought me to his home--it was surprisingly small, despite being part of a massive tower. He explained that because there are so many, many levels in the human hierarchy, many powerful rulers share their towers to save on costs. Clever! The humans are clearly very skilled architects, and that's not even the most amazing thing I saw. He had a window of some kind--he called it a "TV". It was not attached to any wall, and he explained that it could display all sorts of things, like the scrying mirrors of old. He said that we would be using it to discover many things about humans! But first, he said that he had to buy some groceries, as he had only planned on feeding himself that day. I knew that he was doing so out of the kindness of his heart, so I didn't mind. That having been said, I could not help my curiosity. I began experimenting with the strange little rectangle sitting on the table in front of this "TV", and to my surprise, I found that it controlled the TV! I soon found that I could select various records from "You Tube", and it is here that my journey took a strange and confusing turn. I saw that one record contained an image of me. It was labeled "Friendship is Witchcraft"; I do not know if the word has the same meaning in this new world as it did in my own, and so I did not think much of it. When I activated it, it began showing visions of me and my friends--but...they were subtly different. Fluttershy was...not Fluttershy at all. She said things that I had never imagined Fluttershy would say--and her voice wasn't quite right either. I watched, enthralled, as Fluttershy coordinated an invasion of Parasprites, as I constructed a totally reasonable fortification of knowledge. At about the moment that the Parasprites began tearing through the town, I heard a thump, and turned to see that Barack had returned! He must have seen the confusion in my eyes, for he looked utterly shocked--and he showed a great deal of concern at my discovery. He explained to me what a "TV Show" is, and that--in his world--they know of Equestria as the stuff of legend. Further, they have a strange relationship with legends--why, he seemed to see no issue at all with changing how the tale is told. This "Friendship Is Witchcraft" show is a retelling, a "fanfiction". But, more importantly...it is not real. The humans do not believe legends, not in the way that we do. I shall have to investigate carefully, then. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
"Dinner and Descartes"Dear Princess Celestia, I apologize for the delay between the previous letter and this one; I had many things to unpack, mentally speaking. I also had to find a way to get this letter to Spike--some of the crystals that I require for a return trip are not...present. They should be available via magic, but it will take time. For now, I have worked out a simple teleportation spell that will suffice for inanimate objects. But, I'm getting off topic. After the previous letter, Barack and I sat down to dinner, and I made yet another startling discovery. Barack eats meat. In fact, he eats steak. I nearly fainted at the sight of it. After he stopped me from falling out of my chair--human chairs are unusually large, as are humans--I asked him who he had slaughtered, how many. It took some time for him to explain the things I had not understood previously. You see, humans are the only species in their world which communicates. To their knowledge, cows--and horses--and all other animals--are completely mindless. What is--to me--a horrible crime, is to him merely the course of life. I immediately asked him if I could see a cow, and he replied that he knew of no convenient way to find one; they were kept far away from cities, in expansive pastures, to be fed until... I apologize. It must be very hard to read this. I struggle to understand it even now. Barack says that he understands how hard it is to understand this--and he apologized, and said that he should not have eaten something that would upset me. He does not mean any harm to me. Perhaps I am overreacting? I feel so very confused. Barack says that there are some famous humans who may be able to help me. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess Celestia, I slept poorly. But, upon waking, I found that Barack had made pancakes. I put my past experiences behind me, and prepared myself to learn about a famous human named "Descartes". His name sounds oddly similar to the pony known as Haycart; I wonder if there are other coincidences like this one. At least Descartes is easy to understand. He sought to work out a way of...well, working everything out. He was most famous for saying "I think, therefore I am"--that he could prove his own existence, because if he's going to doubt his own existence, then something must be doing the doubting. A brilliant leap of logic. Descartes believed that good and evil can be proven, that they are like a mathematical equation or a scientific law. So, Barack said, we must be able to reason out whether it is good or evil for him to eat meat. He then laid out his case: he had it on good authority that cows in his world do not think or talk; he therefore concluded that to kill one is not murder, for murder is a crime committed against a thinking being. I have to admit, it makes a certain kind of sense. At first, I was reluctant, but Barack pointed out that it's only natural for me to assume my own morals are better than his. I had never considered the possibility that our morals are just wrong, even if only in another world. I will be seeking out more information later. For one thing, there are images of Descartes with references to giving one the "D". I have to ask Barack what this means. Until then, your humble student Twilight Sparkle.
"Are you there, God? It's Me, Sparkle"Dear Princess Celestia, Firstly, I have discovered what the "D" is. Apparently this is an element of human courtship rituals. I shall not elaborate. Secondly, Barack took me on a trip through his city today. Many humans stopped and stared at me. I am not surprised; I must be the first pony they have ever met. But one thing stuck out to me, as I heard them murmur. I turned to Barack and asked him: Who is God, and could I please talk to him? He grew concerned, and I realized I was about to learn something very important. What follows is a summary of what I have learned about the being which takes on the role that you and Luna do in our world. In the beginning, God created the Earth over the course of precisely six days, taking one day afterward to rest. It is said that the seventh day of the week is holy for Humans, because of this. Most important among God's creations were the first Man and Woman, "Adam" and "Eve", who were instructed not to eat a specific fruit from a special tree of "knowledge of good and evil"--perhaps something similar to the Tree of the Elements? But they did so anyway, aided by a snake. When they did so, they began covering themselves with crude clothes made of leaves--perhaps this is why the humans are constantly wearing clothing? God apparently grew very angry at this, and cursed both of them. Then, there was some business with Cain and Abel. One attempted to kill the other. Then, God decided to wipe out all humans save for one chosen family, using a massive flood. And then, God allowed an evil creature simply called "The Devil" to torture a man, simply to prove that this man would continue to pray... I grow uneasy. Barack seems nice enough, but if the humans have such a vengeful God, how will this God react when I meet him? Barack says that I probably won't meet God anytime soon, but I told him I intend to. What kind of diplomat would I be if I weren't willing to meet their greatest leader? Your brave and adventurous student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess Celestia, Apparently "meeting God" is a euphemism in the Humans' world. They have such strange ways of talking. Your vaguely confused student, Twilight Sparkle.
"Emo-tional Moment"Dear Princess Celestia, I have discovered Barack's collection of music. The incredible scrying devices which these humans carry are capable of storing hundreds of pieces of music, and can "download" more from "the cloud". I've never heard of music from a cloud before! Could you ask Rainbow Dash if she knows anything about it? In any case, human music is fascinating. It encompasses such a wide variety of emotion. Why, today I discovered emotions that I had never understood before! While Barack prepared our dinner, I started listening to a song called 'Possum Kingdom'. At first, it sounded like a love song--a discordant one, but a love song nonetheless. But as I listened, I realized it was speaking of a very strange love indeed--perhaps a corrupt and disturbed love, of the kind that Queen Chrysalis might hold for her subjects. Ultimately, I discovered that the song had a darker undertone. "Do you wanna die?" the singer asked, over and over, promising his imaginary lover an eternity of perfect beauty if she would only be his "angel". I laid there on a bed, listening to this human ask me if I wanted to die, and I realized I had never THOUGHT about it. I hadn't even thought about what it means to die. I felt a whirlwind of emotion rising in me. Barack opened the door to tell me that dinner was ready, and asked if I was okay, and--I am ashamed to admit--I shouted that I didn't know. Thankfully, some deep breaths and a little introspection helped quite a bit. Anyway, Barack will be giving me a guided tour of his musical library tomorrow. I can only imagine what incredible feelings I will discover from it. As much as I enjoy Pinkie's sugar-sweet songs, I find it almost relieving to listen to something that isn't merely happy. Your enlightened (and very lively!) student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess Celestia, I learned some very interesting things about humans, as a result of listening to this music. Much of what we listened to was the work of one man, under the name "Nine Inch Nails"; the rest was the work of a quartet known as "The Beatles". Nine Inch Nails had produced many pieces of music similar in tone to "Possum Kingdom", but with instruments even more unrecognizable than the ones used in that tune. Meanwhile, the Beatles produced as wide a variety of sounds, if not wider, but theirs were quite sonorous. Why, their mastery of harmony led me to believe they must be some of the nicest people to have existed in Barack's world! Then he told me about Jeanne Le Non, one of the four members of the Beatles--about the times when he grew frustrated and angry, and began attacking the people around him, the people who loved him. This man, who sang that all you need is love, had no love to give. And the man who called himself by the name "Nine Inch Nails", who wrote dischordant barely-songs about horrible violence...he is one of the nicest men in existence. Happily married for years. I don't understand. How could a person talk about love and kindness, and not believe in it with their heart and soul? How could someone say that all you need is love, when clearly love is not enough? I'll be writing a few more letters soon. Twilight Sparkle
"The 34th Law of the Internet"Dear Princess, Today I discovered what 'pornography' is. Apparently, humans are not very good at seeking out relationships. I don't know why, but they don't feel magic when they interact with each other. In fact, I cannot feel any magic in this place other than my own. Perhaps I shouldn't dwell on it. Back to the topic at hand--er, hoof. Humans are not good at finding relationships of any kind. Thus, when they are sexually frustrated, they often turn to images of humans engaged in sex acts, or...ponies, engaged in sex acts. Evidently, they have a very complicated relationship with their stories. Barack tells me that, in the human world, everything that exists has been made into some form of porn. I assured him that, as the princess of friendship, I will do my best to help him find companionship, though I am likely not as skilled as Cadence would be. His face grew red at this, and I took it as a sign that he was offended--I apologized, and then he apologized, and there was quite a lot of talking over each other before I realized: He thought I was saying I would lay with him. Obviously, I didn't. It would be a conflict of interest of the highest order for a diplomat to engage a foreign dignitary in coitus. I shall leave it at that. Suffice to say, human courtship rituals are incredibly strange. Your student, Twilight Sparkle Curse that pretty purple pain in my posterior! I should have known that Twilight would lay a trap for me. I thought I was going to get the drop on her with this traced teleport spell--that I would land right on top of her, overpower her, and quickly gain control of the lynchpin of Equestria's defenses! But no, instead I found myself in this land of towering stone and bipedal freaks. Worse than that, they have no love to give me! Or so it seems, anyway. The one I encountered seemed more than willing, but when I drained him of his emotions...there were no emotions to drain! It was as if the thing simply didn't have any magic in it. I fear for my safety here. I need to find something that has magic, something I can feed off of.
"Sad World"Dear Princess, I have been studying very carefully. The humans must have some kind of magic. Barack has told me many times that magic simply does not exist in his world, but I refuse to believe him. Unfortunately, my studies have not borne any fruit. First, I perused the Internet, the scrying network which Barack introduced me to. Many, many results appeared when I searched. Surely, they had to be real, but to my dismay none of them seemed to have any coherent principles or patterns. Many of them turned out to be works of fiction--unreal, never true. Psionics presented a promising lead, but I was quickly stumped here as well--again, nothing seemed to fit into the pattern of laws that our magic follows. Barack suggested I watch another work of fiction with him--a story about a young boy who discovers his own magical powers, and travels to a school filled with wizardry--but this only made me more upset. I didn't want to learn about fake magic. I wanted proof of real magic. I wanted to put to rest the itching worry in the back of my head, the sinking feeling in my gut--the idea that these humans simply don't have the magic of friendship. I eventually turned to a more local source--a magic show, performed at a local theater, by a man who is said to be one of the best in his field. But when I got there, I found that his field was the same as Trixie's--he was no spellcaster, merely an illusionist. I write this now as I lay on the couch, waiting for Barack to finish preparing tonight's dinner, and I am despairing. Are these humans truly alone? Is that why I feel so alone here? Your student, Twilight Sparkle. My predicament presents one useful side effect, at least. There are almost no traces of magic here--but what little I can find, I recognize immediately. The stench of that prissy little princess lingers upon it. I'll have her soon enough; for now, I'll simply hide out in this alley and plan my vengeance. But--what's that noise? An intruder? I shall ambush them. Aha, two humans are fighting. I can pick off the winner with ease once they have concluded this little tussle.
"The Ends of the Scale"Dear Princess, I spoke with Chrysalis today. Asked her why she was here, and received the same response as yesterday--that she wanted to apologize, that she wanted 'forgiveness'. I didn't believe her, of course. Then, she tried to demoralize me--she began babbling about this world's lack of magic, and insisted that humans were disgusting creatures whose only desire is to harm others. Once again, I did not believe her. Barack has been so kind to me. How could such a horrible species have such a kind individual in it? Surely humans can't be monsters, as Chrysalis claimed. But now that I'm writing this letter--now that I've retired to the couch, and Chrysalis to a pile of pillows in the kitchen--now I'm having second thoughts. After all, the humans' God is a terrible thing, and so was Hitler--why, both of them were far worse than any being that I know of in Equus. I worry that humans really are terrible creatures. I wonder if Chrysalis really is lying. But there has to be magic in this world...right? Your worried student, Twilight Sparkle. She wouldn't listen! Of course she wouldn't listen. Nobody would listen to a Changeling, a liar. I have always hated her, but now--now I only hate myself. I wake up in the middle of the night, as the creature--the human, Barack--retrieves something from his refridgerator. He sees that I have been crying again. He asks if I am okay. Twilight mentioned that in his world, our story is simply a story--and that he knows things about us that only our closest friends do. He knows what I am. How can he be kind to me? As he wraps his arms around me, I drift off into a confused sleep.
"The Golden Rule"Dear Princess, Today I found Barack and Chrysalis on the floor of the kitchen, holding each other. I didn't think she would make her move so soon! I shoved her away, demanding answers, but Barack stepped between us. I was ready to deal with both of them if I had to, but Barack spoke the code phrase, and I knew he wasn't under Chrysalis's control. I asked him how he could defend someone so terrible as Chrysalis, and he told me of a rule that his people have had for two thousand years: That which is good to you, do to others. That which is bad to you, do not do to others. I looked past him, and saw that Chrysalis had begun to cry again; and I wondered how I would feel, if she were to throw me out of bed and start making demands. If she were to start calling me a monster. Have I really been so terrible to her? Twilight Sparkle She stared at me, her eyes wide and innocent. Somehow, it had never occurred to her that she might have been unfair in her treatment of me. It had never occurred to me, either. This 'golden rule' of which Barack spoke--nobody in Equestria had ever had such an idea. Nobody needed to. Celestia was the ultimate force of goodness, and creatures such as I were the ultimate evil; there were no questions to be had. You could tell in a moment who would hurt you, in Equestria; you could feel it. They'd wear on you, instead of building you up. You would feel weaker around them. Here, there is no magic to tell you who your friends are, and any human could turn out to be a monster. They needed something to use in place of Celestia, a rule that they could follow to avoid hurting each other. It's brilliant, in a way. Unfortunately, I don't think everyone follows it.
"Impossible Things"Dear Princess Celestia, First, I thank you for writing back. I had begun to worry that none of my letters had actually gotten to you. Secondly, I wish to share an incredible discovery with you: The 'window' which enables O'Bama to view moving images is capable of far more than just that! It is, in fact, a fully functioning example of a thing long thought impossible with mere magic: A thinking machine! He was very careful to explain that there are limits to what it can do. It is only able to perform actions in the form of special instructions called 'code' or 'programs'. However, it is capable not only of displaying moving pictures, but creating them--responding to 'user input'--performing calculations at incredible speed--and many other feats. Most astounding is that the humans primarily use these devices for entertainment. I will elaborate on this soon, but first, please find attached my updated portal schematic. The structural issues were not my first priority in my rough draft, and that was careless of me. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle 'Dear' Princess, Twilight recommended that I begin writing letters to you as well. She seems to think of you as nigh-omnipotent--which makes a certain amount of sense, given our mutual condition. Immortality does seem like infinite power to a mortal, and Twilight does not fully grasp the fact of her own undying nature. That having been said, I wish to apologize. I know--me, apologizing. Believe it or not, I finally saw what so many others were shown--the error of my ways. I saw that I was hurting ponies, and that no matter what my reasoning was, the truth is that I did it because I wanted to hurt them. Perhaps I did not know until after my hive changed, but there is no excuse after that. I also wish to tell you that I no longer intend Twilight any harm. My growling stomach is proof enough of that. I might as well be honest: I am afraid of how she will react if I tell her I am starving. She has been going mad, trying to find a source of Human magic. I, on the other hand, have already seen that there is none. If I tell her that I cannot feed on the humans, then she may well lose hope entirely. With humbled step, Queen Chrysalis
"Workers of Nightmares"Dear Princesses, I see I caught your attention with talk of thinking machines which are used as mere playthings. You seem confused as to why such a powerful device would be necessary for a game. The thing is, these games are wildly complex--and surprisingly detailed. The first example I encountered was a game the humans call Counter-Strike. It is primarily played in teams of 5; I am told other games are more flexible, but Counter-Strike relies heavily on teamwork and a numbers advantage would tilt the game in one side's favor. One team is called the 'Terrorists'. I have tried to transliterate it to Ponish, and the closest analogue is in Old Ponish: 'vargen noktmaesi'--workers of nightmares. I have asked O'Bama about this, and he has said that the 'Terrorists' are based upon various terrible groups of Humans who committed great acts of evil. Within this game, the Terrorists have a singular goal: Use an explosive to destroy something within the play area. There are two possible 'bomb sites' which the Terrorists can destroy, and either one grants victory. The other team is the 'Counter-Terrorists', whose goal is--naturally--to counter the terrorists. They, in turn, are based on the soldiers who bravely go forth and do battle with the Terrorists. Where this becomes far more interesting--and requires a thinking machine--is the 'fog of war'. Neither team has complete knowledge of the other team's position. This would be impossible on a shared board. It is perhaps possible with a pair of boards and a divider, but tracking movements would become nigh impossible and bog down the game. And, with the thinking machine tracking all players in real time, it is possible for the players to play the game in real time as well! And I have not even begun speaking of the elements of dexterity and skill--such as controlling one's weapon, as the firearms used by the characters in the game tend to buck wildly about when fired. The way each weapon moves is predictable, and I have already mastered the 'P90'. Such a game would simply not be possible on a tabletop. Amazingly--and amusingly--the game also includes a function by which one can speak through the thinking machine to the other players, who could be situated in many countries around the planet; they appear to think I am a particularly good imitation of myself. It is somewhat strange to hear someone talk to you as if you are merely a storybook character--to hear the amusement in their voice, as they conclude you must be simply a great ventriloquist. But this is all unimportant. Please, send word of your progress with the portal. I will confer with O'Bama regarding the official introduction of our kind to America. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle Dear Princess, Twilight has been going on and on about that game she just learned about. It seems she's really been inspired by this simulation. I wonder, has the game's own inspiration simply gone over her head? I have begun scouring this 'internet' for information. Aside from some very...entertaining images, I found quite a lot of information about the 'Terrorists' in this little game. And they are disturbing. There are many reasons for their conflicts, but each one of these groups shares a single unifying feature: Their total willingness to commit any evil in the name of their cause. Of course, I'm one to talk. You're quite familiar with my work, aren't you? I'm more disgusted by myself than by these villains. Your forgiveness is appreciated, however. It heartens me to know that, despite how much you've seen me do, you believe me when I say I wish to do better. Perhaps, as the human said, I do deserve a second chance. With bated breath, Queen Chrysalis
"The Complication"Dear Princess Celestia, There is one other thing I must mention, which I forgot to bring up in my previous letter. I've been very busy, you see. But first... Barack took me aside shortly after Rainbow Dash arrived. Already, local news organizations were reporting her arrival. Our diplomatic introduction to Humanity has been...complicated. And there's one more complication: Barack is not actually an important human. His name is not even Barack. He has asked that I not reveal his true name here; he wishes to remain Anonymous, as he worries that these letters might be published later. He only wanted to help, and to feel important. He apologized deeply for lying to me. I reassured him. He only wanted the best, and besides, he IS important--he was MY introduction to Humanity, and he has been both incredibly kind and unbelievably helpful. I told him he was forgiven, and that I would always consider him my friend; and he cried as I held him, right before the police banged their fists on the door and demanded to see us. I write this letter from a small room in a Human government building. I am still struggling to understand the structure of their government, as it has many, many layers. It isn't quite as Barack described it, either. They say that the negotiations will be...complicated. No Human has ever met a talking, thinking being which isn't Human, though many claim to have met otherworldly beings. I hope that I will still get to speak with Barack. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle Dear Princess Celestia, You have no idea how hard it was to get this letter to you. It took hours of arguing with the guards at the embassy before Twilight stepped in and made her demands. They're letting me send exactly one letter across, so I gotta make it count. I wanted to say I'm sorry. Twi says I've done a good job explaining things to her, but honestly, I was just playing around--and I could have ruined the whole thing in the process. I came THIS close to diplomatically making all Hell break loose. All because I thought this was just like My Little Dashie (but you don't know about that one, do you?). You need a guide--and I don't think any of the stuck-up pricks in the White House are gonna do a good job. Our politics aren't like yours. We talk a big game about evil and fighting for what's right, but the reality is, anybody who has any power over here took it out of someone else's pockets. You can't trust them. Oh, shit, I almost forgot--RD's getting pretty good treatment, but I think someone who watches the show was involved in the decision-making, because Chryssy's been put in a cell. They told Twilight they just wanted to take precautions, and Twi agreed, because Twi doesn't know what happens when humans get to lock people up without a trial or a time limit. I'm not feeling too optimistic about this whole thing, but you ponies have pulled through worse, right? You can handle Cozy Glow, I'm sure you can handle a room full of Cozy Glows. Fingers crossed, Anonymous p.s. "fingers crossed" is a good-luck saying over here
"Negotiations"dear princess celestia, I apologize for the delay. Knowing you and the other princesses, you've been worried sick! Not much has happened, though i did get to meet with the leader of the country of america, one president don al t'rump. Only time will tell if we can arrange something. When the time comes, i will write you again. Hopefully, it will be soon, and we'll get it all over with. Everypony will be safe. Life will go on. I'll have to have another new castle! Exciting, isn't it? Sorry that we have to build a new one so soon. Having gotten that out of the way, here's an odd little tidbit about america: they are currently staging a coup! Evidently, a process known as "impeachment" is taking place, currently led by the democrats, t'rump's sworn enemy. Luckily, the whole thing is completely bloodless. Providing nobody starts a fight, the process will begin and end without a single sword drawn! Completely harmless. He has claimed that the democrats are cheating, though. Ridiculous! You would think that they'd have more respect for the process. Such is life for humans, though. Apparently this sort of thing happens all the time. Linking a crime back to the perpetrator is very rare, though. I have offered my assistance, and t'rump has graciously accepted my offer. Soon, i'll be speaking to the democrats' leaders. P.S. Thank you for reminding me of the first time I sent you mail. I have always believed that my first letters is the most important message of all.
"Escape Plan"Dear Princess, First of all, thank you for thinking of me. I will describe what the humans did to me in a later missive. Their cruelty is deeper than I imagined. Your behavior, on the other hoof, confuses me. I admit I understand the logic of sending Spike, of all people, to my aid. Both because he can send letters for me, and because his obsession with Rarity is obvious fuel for my powers. But I do not understand how you could bring yourself to do it. Even I can see that Spike is an adolescent dragon, emphasis on adolescent, and that by indulging him I may be causing both Spike and Rarity incredible emotional harm in the future. Then again, perhaps I am particularly suited to seeing this. I have spent my whole life indulging ponies in their bad relationship habits; I have watched as husbands abandoned wives, as teenage ponies gave up on romance to pursue simple physical contentedness. I have tempted them, sure, but more often than not they do it to themselves. Twilight believes that humans are worse at romance than ponies are; I think that humans are simply more cautious about it. Thinking about it, maybe I am good for something after all. If you could not see this harm, and I could, perhaps I could become an advisor of sorts? But enough about that. I am sure you want to hear about how I escaped. It was quite simple, really; after an eyebrow-raising ten minutes (perhaps Rarity will be happier with Spike if I speak of his performance?), I sent Spike to a corner of the cell and awaited my usual tormentor. He stepped in, and--energized by the desires I had just fed upon--I tackled him to the ground and assumed his form. He suffered quite a blow to his head. Spike expressed worry for him. After putting on the human's uniform, I told him to shut up and follow me. Shortly thereafter, I led him out the front door. Any guard who asked was told that Spike had appeared somewhere inside the building, and was asking to see Twilight Sparkle. This was immediately accepted, as technicolor creatures appearing out of thin air was the hot new trend in Reality. After that, I made a beeline (pardon the expression) for Barack's apartment. I will write again when I am good and ready. -- Chrysalis Dear Princess Sunbutt, That was FAST. I'm impressed, both by you and by Chryssy--walking right out the front door? She's got bigger balls than anybody I know. I'm also glad to hear you got the message through to Twi. We stand a chance of actually helping people, now. God-and-Princesses only know how messy it could've gotten if Twi started debating Trump on immigration policy, or worse, started agreeing with him. The next thing you need to warn her about is the unrest. Some people are getting mad that the first intelligent species we met was tiny technicolor horses. Others see the Princesses as an affront to God himself. Everyone wants to know if Twilight's a Democrat or a Republican, and there is NO right answer in that one. And I hope and pray that the other countries of the world don't pick up on the existence of the tiny magic equines. Oh, by the way. The show's finale is coming up soon. Between you and me, I hope it won't end your world. -- Anonymous
"A Rather Vital Error"Dear Princess Celestia, I have been studying Barack's collection of historic records, and already have discovered many interesting facts. For instance, the Devil mentioned in my prior letter on their God has actually incarnated in several forms! His most recent was a human named "Reynauld Rei'gan", who irreparably damaged the country of America by starting a long-running war that has yet to end. The vicious things known as the Drugs must be incredibly dangerous, if such a war would be so ruinous and so long. Perhaps more importantly, I have learned of the many ways in which humans communicate! They use incredible artifacts that enable them to write messages to each other even faster than Spike's letters can be sent! They can even communicate with their voices, or face-to-face--once again I am reminded of the scrying mirrors that the Unicorns once used. I quickly deduced how to use this device; it works by detecting when a human pokes it. Naturally, I was able to simulate such an act, though I had to modify my telekinesis spell quite a bit to achieve this. I learned that there are many, many more "fanfictions" of various legendary figures. I learned that humans commonly refer to each other as bundles of sticks, for some reason. And I learned about a legendary ruler, who united a country and could do no wrong. I shall ask Barack for more information about these things soon. Your studious student, Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess, I rescind what I said in the previous letter. Hitler did many things wrong.
"God Has Left the Building"Dear Princess, Today I met someone who does not believe in God. It sounds absurd, right? Someone who doesn't believe in the existence of their greatest ruler? But here he is--a man who refuses to believe in God, or in 'Allah' (apparently another god of this world), or in any of the numerous other deific figures. He insists that no rational person would believe in something they cannot prove exists. I asked him if he had ever met God. He said that nobody has. What kind of ruler is this God? He demands strange and unusual acts of his followers, kills them out of spite or frustration, and then refuses to step up and lead his people? He just sits in "Heaven" all day and night, watching from his hidden kingdom, letting horrible things happen to test the faith of his followers. I think I understand why there are humans who do not believe God exists. Maybe it would be better to not have a ruler than to have a ruler so wicked. Twilight Sparkle I observed the fight, laying in wait. At first, it seemed to be over instantly; the smaller, weaker one was clearly no match for the other. But then, I observed something utterly baffling. The larger one began forcefully mating with the smaller one. Perhaps these humans feed on each other's emotions, much like my kind do? But if so, I would have felt it, would have had the opportunity to feed. This was something utterly different. It is true, I do enjoy trapping a pony--watching them squirm as I draw my sustenance from them, but it is still feeding. Perhaps this creature simply enjoys the thrill of the hunt? I waited and waited, until it was done.
"Terrible Truth"As the larger creature walked away, the smaller one propped itself up on its forelimbs and made a strange, coughing noise. I crept closer, wondering what it was doing--and I discovered that it was crying. It was in pain. Its clothes were in tatters, and I realized that--despite being unable to feed on their emotions--why, their emotions still existed. I realized that the reason I was starving was not because this is a world without emotion--it is because it is a world without magic to carry that emotion. And, even though they have no magic to speak of...they had still found a way to affect each other. To hurt each other. I realized in that moment that the larger creature was not doing this for the thrill of hunting, but for the thrill of hurting. What kind of creature hurts another of its kin, knowing that it will gain nothing, purely for the sensation of hurting someone? Me. I am that creature. Moon save me. Dear Princess, Firstly, I wish to assure you that I am not in danger, and that I have not been harmed. I tell you this because Chrysalis had somehow followed me to this world. When I saw her, she was lying in the mouth of an alleyway. Barack gasped when he saw her, and I nearly leapt into battle then and there. But when I called her name, she didn't even lift her head. I demanded to know why she was here, and in response...she burst into tears and begged forgiveness. Right now, Chrysalis is in the bathroom, washing herself. I am guarding the door, to ensure that Barack is not endangered. She surely has some sort of evil plan. I told Barack to be careful, and taught him a secret code phrase, so that we can identify each other for sure. I'm not going to let anybody else be hurt by her lies. Your watchful student, Twilight Sparkle.
"Cancelled"Dear Princess, I have bad news. Barack says that our show is being 'cancelled'. There will be no more of our story. I do not know what this will do to our world. I fear that it will end all of us. To that end, I've enclosed instructions for a larger, more permanent gateway. Chrysalis and I will be waiting for you all to come through. I can't guarantee that this new world will support all of us, but I spoke with Barack, and he agrees that an uncertain future is better than none. Good luck. Twilight Sparkle She looks different when she's not sure of herself. I had never noticed--her emotions were my food, not my business--but now I saw it clearly: the way she curled in on herself, putting on a big smile, trying to hold herself high even though the weight of her thoughts pushed her down. I sat next to her, and gently tapped her shoulder; she looked up at me like a frightened larva. I could have crushed her, in that moment; but I had nothing to gain from it, and everything to lose. Instead, we held each other. Any pony would be hard pressed to call us enemies in that moment. I don't think she's my enemy, anymore.
"Going Boldly"Princess Celestia, It's a good thing you sent me over first, because I don't think anypony else could have survived being dropped over the ocean! I had to do a lot of flying to make it back over solid land, and it was enough to wear ME out. You have no IDEA how hard that is. Then again, I might have gotten into a race. With some giant metal birds. Those 'humans' Twilight talked about were riding them, and when I tried to show them how fast I could go, they actually kept up! I'm kinda impressed. Those things were pretty huge, it must've taken a lot of training to get them to go so fast. What's weird is that my Sonic Rainboom took longer than normal. I don't FEEL weaker. Twilight said that the speed of sound might be different here. I always thought I couldn't hear anything after the boom because of...you know, the boom. But I guess it's because not even SOUNDS can keep up with me! She also said something about how weird it is that I got dumped out in a different place than her, and her human friend started saying egghead things about the planet moving around on its own. I didn't really care about most of it. I wanted to know more about those huge metal birds. Your awesome student, Rainbow Dash! Dear Princess, It's a good thing you sent Rainbow over first, because I completely miscalculated the teleport spell. As you know, all teleport spells require a reference point from which the final position is measured; for inanimate objects like this letter, the recipient is acceptable, and for short-range 'blinks' the caster is a usable reference point, but as distance increases, using small and mobile references becomes much more inaccurate. It has been noted that as one attempts longer-range teleports with oneself as the reference, one's altitude increases--this is how Star Swirl proved that Equestria is not flat. As such, long-range teleportation often uses the celestial bodies as references, because the position of the sun is always the same for a given time of day. In this universe, the sun and moon move without magical intervention. Humans have no control over it. Their positions change slightly over time, and their orbits aren't even in sync--Barack spoke of 'eclipses', where the moon would block out the sun, not by a Nightmare's intervention, but of its own accord. I have begun work on an improved calculation, which will account for the movements of the sun and moon within this universe.
