Toothpastes and Chewing Gums

by Karach

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Comedy, Random
Length: 2892

Colgates battles her eternal rival, Orbit.

On an otherwise quiet and peaceful day, Ponyville is visited by Colgate's old rival. A battle of epic proportions is the only possible outcome.
Product placement, much? :P

Tagged teen for epic cartoon battles. ;)

Published 2012-08-17 20:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-22 21:49:06 UTC

Brush and Chew!

A deafening boom shook the library tree, knocking some of the books from their respective shelves.

"By Celestia's glorious sun!" Twilight Sparkle shouted, running down the stairs. "What's happening?" She opened the door and looked outside. A cloud of smoke and dust was visible in the distance, covering half of the sky above the town center.

Spike peeked cautiously from behind the door. "What happened, Twilight?"

"I'm not sure..." The unicorn scratched her chin in thought. "It must have been an explosion of some kind," she explained, narrowing her eyes.

"Do you think somepony was hurt?" the dragon asked, looking worriedly at the mushroom-shaped cloud.

"I don't know. Stay here, I'm going to check it out," she ordered and broke into a run towards the town center.

***

As she was getting nearer the town square, Twilight noticed many heads peering curiously from the windows of the nearby houses. Braver ponies dared to abandon the safe confines of their homes, and came outside to take a closer look. The cloud that covered the town square was slowly beginning to subside, revealing two pony figures. One Twilight recognized in an instant—it was the local dentist, Colgate, clad in her white work-coat, her white-and-blue mane billowing in the wind. As for the other pony, Twilight was pretty sure she had never seen him in Ponyville before.

The unicorn was tall and slim, his pristine white coat shining in the afternoon sun. His mane and tail were light green with a single stripe of blue for contrast. His cutie mark, Twilight noticed, comprised of two white rectangular shapes that looked like small and slick bricks with rounded edges, set against a green, pointy leaf. The stallion's emerald eyes seemed to glimmer in the sun, shooting an intimidating and annoyed glare at the local dentist.

"Who is he?" Twilight muttered, mostly to herself.

"Dunno." She heard a familiar voice beside her. "Never seen him before, though. I will have to throw him a Welcome-in-Ponyville party!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie with a smile.

The baker bounced towards the mysterious pony, a happy grin illuminating her face. "Hi there!" she shouted. "I'm Pinkie Pie and let me welcome you to our-"

She was violently cut short when, with a casual flick of his white horn, the mysterious unicorn tossed two small, white objects into her open mouth.

"Begone, earth pony!" he called, without turning back to look at Pinkie Pie. "I have no business with the likes of you."

"Hey, that wasn't very nice!" Twilight shouted, slapping her friend over her back—the objects the unicorn had tossed seemed to have stuck in the pink mare's throat, causing her to cough violently. Pinkie Pie spat out the strange pills on the grass and sniffed them curiously. Then she gave them a testing lick, scratching her chin as if she was pondering some Equestria-shattering problem. Suddenly she chomped on the pills.

Twilight took a step back in surprise. "Pinkie Pie, what the hay are you doing?!" she asked, her eyes wide with shock.

"Mmm, minty!" squealed Pinkie, her face bearing a content smile.

Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but ultimately decided against it. She shook her head in resignation and turned towards the two unicorns at the square. Other ponies started to gather around, no doubt interested by the earlier outburst. Such unplanned events were always a welcomed entertainment in a town as dull and quiet as Ponyville.

"Give it up, Colgate!" the stallion shouted. His clear baritone made the words seem sharp enough to cut the air around them. "You know you stand no chance against me."

"Tough luck, Orbit!" the mare called back, narrowing her eyes. "The ponies in this town take their brushing very seriously!"

The dentist's horn flashed blue as various toothbrushes, drills, flosses and other dental utensils hovered behind her. Colgate pounced, hurling the objects towards the white unicorn with great speed. He only smirked, his own horn enveloped in green light. A carpet of white, rubbery substance appeared in front of him, shielding him from the attack. Brushes, drills and flosses bounced off it, dropping lifelessly on the ground.

"Then why do they even need the dentist?" he mocked, jumping forward. His horn flashed green, magicking a cloud of white pills around his body. With a series of fast jabs of his head, he sent swarm after swarm of them at Colgate. The glow around the dentist's horn grew more intense. Two leg-sized, bright blue toothbrushes appeared out of nowhere with a loud crack. With a primal cry, Colgate tore them up from the ground and started whirling them around her furiously, deflecting every single one of the hurled pills.

As in slow-motion, Twilight watched one of them fly millimeters away from her muzzle. With a loud thwack, it collided with a brick wall of the house behind her, sinking several centimeters into its surface. The unicorn turned her head slowly, her eyes twitching in accordance with her flapping ear.

"Ooooh... kay.” She smiled nervously. “I think it would be best if you two-" She was cut short as another deafening boom thundered over the square.

Colgate and Orbit had clashed, the force of their colliding weapons causing the explosion. The dentist was wielding her trusty toothbrushes, the stallion summoned two long, white blades. One looked like it was made of white rubber, but gave the impression that cutting a tree with it would be an easy task. The other seemed to be made of pills similar to those the stallion had thrown earlier. They danced around the blade, changing its shape constantly, making it look like it was a living beast.

"Give it up already!" the stallion growled, putting all his strength in his attack. "I told you, toothpaste has no chance with chewing gum".

"N-Never..." panted Colgate, desperately trying to gain the upper hoof. She was being pushed back by her opponent, but tried to bluff her way through.

"It's over," hissed Orbit, rising his pill blade in an attempt to strike, the rubber one still pinning the dentist to the ground. Colgate closed her eyes, forcing last ounces of mental strength into her magic. Was she going to lose? After all this time of being the renowned dentist of Ponyville?

"Mith Colgate, watch out!" a familiar scream snapped her out of her thoughts. Her eyes shot open and quickly located its owner in the crowd of the gathered ponies. It was Twist. Little Twist, her most frequent patient. With a loud grunt, Colgate shifted her weight, balanced over one of her brushes, and threw a kick. It connected with the stallion's chin, sending him flying back.

Colgate leaped after him with a cry, but her brushes only hit the ground, sending a geyser of dirt and grass up in the air. The stallion had rolled in midair and dodged.

He landed on the other side of the square, rubbing his chin with a hoof. He probed his tooth with his tongue. Broken. The blood rushed to his face as he let his anger overtake him.

"How dare you!?" he roared, spitting blood on the grass.

"Heh," the mare panted, trying to regain her breath. She leaned on her brushes casually. "I think you need to visit a dentist," she said with a smirk. "Let's see your chewing gum help you now," she teased. The stallion shot daggers from his eyes, his emerald irises reduced to the size of tacks.

"I'm going to kill you very slowly for this," he said, pronouncing each word with remarkable precision. A shiver ran down Colgate's spine. Had she, perhaps, went a little overboard?

Her opponent started circling around the square, closing the distance between them with each step. She mirrored his movements, readying her brushes.

Suddenly he leaped, his horn ablaze with green light so bright, that it nearly blinded her. She tried to dodge, but her legs were bound to the ground. She looked down. "Chewed gum..." she spat with disgust. The stallion was above her, his white blades glimmering dangerously in the sun.

Is this it? the thought flashed through her mind as she slowly closed her eyes, accepting her fate.

The stallion struck, unleashing a cry of fury and triumph.

A deafening clang rang in Colgate's ears. She slowly opened her eyes, noticing the purple shield around her.

"What are you doing, Colgate?!" Twilight shouted, her horn enveloped in purple light. "Are you so quick to give up?"

Little Twist was standing next to the librarian, clutching the unicorn's leg, shaking with fear. She looked up. "Don't give up, mith Colgate!" she cried. "We all need you here."

Some pony began chanting Colgate's name and soon the overwhelming cheering filled the whole square.

Colgate lowered her head, letting a tear escape her eye. It's such a lovely town.

"Silence!" Orbit bellowed, rendering everypony speechless. "You!" he yelled, pointing his blade at the mare and the filly. "How dare you interrupt? Do you want to die first?"

"Oh, no, you don't!" shouted Colgate, slamming the back of her brush against the unicorn's head. He turned back, the intent to kill clearly visible on his rage-twisted snout.

Colgate calmed her breath and concentrated. Blue light enveloped her horn and traveled down to her mouth as she began to inhale deeply. She blew hard on the rubbery substance that was binding her legs, vapors of blue air escaping her mouth. The gum glimmered and crackled as cold air grazed its surface.

Orbit stopped in his tracks, his eyes wide open in disbelief. "How!?" he yelled, pointing his blade at the frozen gum. "Only a chewing gum can give you the power of Minty Breath!"

"Well, as you can see, a good toothpaste can have the same effect." Colgate smiled, her pearly-white teeth glimmering in the sun. Her face furrowed in an effort as she flexed her legs. With a loud crack, the frozen gum shattered into tiny pieces.

Colgate's horn flared with blue light once again as the two brushes levitate next to her. "Are you ready to surrender?" the mare asked, narrowing her eyes. "As you can see, this town still needs their dentist."

"Nonsense!" Orbit shouted, enveloping his blades in the green magic field. "I will get rid of you and then those ponies will have no choice but to accept me!" he bellowed, leaping high into the air. Colgate shook her head with resignation.

With one fluent move of her horn, she bumped her toothbrushes at their bases. The blue light bound them together, creating a new weapon which she quickly put to good use.

Orbit put every ounce of his strength in his last attack. He swung his blades down furiously at the end of his mighty jump. Colgate spun and swung her connected brushes upwards.

The two weapons collided with a thundering boom, the force of the impact creating a shock wave strong enough to shake every window in every house around the square. The glow around Colgate's horn intensified as the blue aura enveloped her whole body. Her eyes lost their pupils as the force filled and overwhelmed her. Orbit's body was already enveloped in the similar light, albeit green.

"Lose already!" cried the stallion, his voice amplified with the power of raw force boiling inside him. His magic grip around the blades was so hard that he seemed suspended in midair, above the point when the weapons had met.

"No, it's you who lost!" Colgate snapped back, strengthening the magic grip around her weapon. The cobblestone pavement below her hooves had cracked as she had been forced into the ground by the impact. She closed her eyes, directing all of the magic into her brushes. A web of cracks appeared on the surface of the stallion's blades. A drop of sweat rolled from his forehead, evaporating quickly with a sizzle, his pupilless eyes wide with disbelief. Colgate smirked.

The connected brushes blazed with furious light, blinding everypony in the crowd. Rubber blades cracked and snapped. Orbit let out an angry scream, which was promptly interrupted when the brush finished its upwards arching motion, colliding with his chin. The stallion was thrown back, circling a perfect arch in the air, and tumbled on the ground. With the last of his strength he tried to get up, but the giant brush against his throat kept him pinned firmly to the cobblestone pavement.

Colgate stood above him on her hind legs, her body still enveloped in blue light, producing a faint sizzling noise. With a flick of her horn, the dentist separated the brushes once again. "Now, you're gonna get it," she said matter-of-factly, touching his stomach with one toothbrush, the other still pressed firmly against his throat.

***

"Brushie, brushie, brushie, brush," teased Colgate with a maniacal smile as her giant toothbrushes rubbed against Orbit's neck and belly. Dozens of smaller, regular-sized brushes tickled every other sensitive part of his body. He squirmed, spouting cures between frantic laughs as he desperately tried to break free from the torture.

"Mith Colgate..." Twist said timidly, "are you OK?"

The dentist smiled and nodded, motioning the filly to come closer. Her brushes stopped moving as the light from her horn slowly subsided.

"Look here, Orbit," she said pointing at her most frequent patient. The stallion was trying to catch his breath, his body still shivering after the amount of giggling it was subjected to. "You can try your dirty tricks as much as you want, but little ponies of Ponyville know very well that a chewing gum is not a valid replacement for a proper oral hygiene," she explained, patting Twist's head. The filly smiled, beaming with pride. Orbit looked up at them and grumbled something impossible to understand.

"Instead of fighting, why don't we become partners?" Colgate suddenly offered, extending a hoof to her defeated opponent. "A chewing gum can work wonders after a meal, you know. I'm sure the magic of your gum combined with the magic of my paste would benefit everypony in Ponyville."

Orbit looked up suspiciously. However, the smile on Colgate's face was genuine and sincere. He stood up, carefully avoiding the dentist's outstretched hoof.

"This sure is a nice little town," he said, shaking the dust from his white coat. "I appreciate the offer, but I lost fair and square. There's no place in Ponyville for me. You take good care of the ponies' teeth here."

"You bet I will," Colgate replied, saluting with her toothbrush. "But what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to keep roaming around Equestria, battling dentists, getting stronger," he said, looking past the crowd of ponies, towards the horizon. "But beware," he warned, turning back to take a deep look into Colgate's blue eyes, "if you ever let cavity into the mouths of the little ponies here, we will meet again." His emerald eyes flashed with resolve.

Colgate nodded with a confident smile. "Yeah... I know."

They looked into each other's eyes, the last part of their duel taking place between their wills. Suddenly Orbit smiled and turned back, accepting his defeat. He was about to leave, but he turned around once more, looking at Twist.

"Little filly, Colgate won pretty much thanks to you," he said, producing a small green-and-blue box and offering it to Twist. "Take this as a token of my respect."

"Thankth," the filly mumbled, taking the box. It rattled when she shook it. "What'th inthide?"

Orbit smiled and turned back without another word. He trotted down the road leading outside the town; the crowd of ponies parted to let him through.

***

Seeing as the show was over, the ponies began to disperse with no particular haste. Twilight Sparkle decided to linger for a while, Pinkie Pie bouncing beside her. "What was that all about?" she asked the dentist, looking at the lone silhouette of the departing stallion. He managed to look rather majestically on top of the hill, the setting sun shining brightly behind him.

"He's my eternal rival..." Colgate sighed, magicking all her brushes away. "He's always believed that chewing gum can be a proper replacement for brushing teeth." The mare shook her head with disbelief at such an outrageous display of ignorance.

"That'th sthupid," Twist said, appalled at the very idea. "Everypony knowth how important bruthing your teeth ith."

"Yeah!" added Pinkie, following the stallion with her baby blue eyes. "Besides, this gum of his... I can't even make a balloon with it. I don't know why someone would like to chew a gum if it doesn't make balloons. Bleh!" she stuck her tongue out in utter disgust.

At the edge of the town, Orbit tripped and tumbled down the hill, cursing heavily under his breath.

I mean THE END

Author's Notes

OK, I totally suck at image editing, but felt the urge to fiddle with goldenmercurydragon's Light Saber Colgate image after writing this pathetic excuse of a story. :rainbowlaugh:

Here's the pimped (actually GIMPed :pinkiecrazy:) version of his amazing pic:

Is Colgate the best pony or what?

:pinkiegasp: "Hey, I though I was the best pony."

* awkward silence *

Me: "Why of course, Pinkie Pie. You are! Nopony can kick flanks like you. What say, Colgate is the best background pony?"

:pinkiehappy: "Works with me."

Whew, almost got my head chopped off there.