You Got To Be Yakking My Chain!

Humans are able to travel to the land of Equestria.

It's just a bit hard to do so.

It would be like finding a pony in a box. Sure everybody wants to, but the chances of actually finding an age regressed Rainbow Dash is extremely rare. My sister thought she found a Pinkie in a box once but turned out to be a box of cotton candy.

No, finding ponies to raise as my children aren't my main priority!

I'm in search of actually traversing the dimensional universe and joining the pony society. You've heard the stories about people finding shady merchants with little to no personality beyond creepy. They sell you an obviously cursed item, which to the surprise of nobody will strip you of your humanity and reshape you into a colorful petite equine.

Yes, I'm searching for that merchant!

Sure, I might just even switch sexes along the way…

But a small price to pay, to live among the ponies I dream of so dearly.

Long story short, there are several ways to become a pony.

The most common is the merchant, which sadly is rare to see outside of conventions.

Sure, I could simply buy my way into said Bronycon!

But what if inside, I find no merchant and just souvenirs?

I'd be out of money and no closer to my dream.

Another way to be granted a pony life is to die. Yep, apparently, the act of a horrible demise might just end up in being reincarnated. Of course, I'm far too scared to try this option out, what if I stepped out in front of a truck.

And instead of a fun-filled land of friendship, I dunno, I simply woke up in the fiery pits of hell.

Suicide does that, you know.

A third way is to find Discord, he's like having six merchants!

But way harder to find…

If I did somehow find him though, I could be displaced as somepony really cool! Like Princess Celestia or even Luna, I'd be happy to live my life as Prince Blueblood too, you wouldn't find this guy bitching about it.

But alas, other than standing around praying that Discord finds me. That option isn't really promising in the long run. I suppose that my chances of finding equine salvation are dubiously low, what breaks my heart is hearing about other people transforming on a weekly basis.

No really!

I've heard of one guy out there, who's transformed into something like over fifty various ponies! I mean how is that even possible!? Here I am without a single change under my belt, and this guy gets to become everypony under the sun!

I'm jumping off-topic, the fact is I'm just unlucky!

I can't find a merchant without bankruptcy.

I'll find ten leprechauns before I do Discord.

I'm afraid to die.

And cursed pony emails, have only given my computer viruses instead of a cutie mark on my hip.

If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!

My name is Austin Stern.

A forgetful name for a forgettable person.

I'm like a whisper on the breeze, passing by you during the hectic chaos of the day.

Yet just like that, gone!

Like a fart in the wind…

I never claimed to be a professional writer, so take my words with a grain of salt.

“You don't look like you belong here?” The melodic voice of a strange woman suddenly snapped me back into my cruddy reality as a convenience store manager.

I had actually forgotten that I stepped out into this freezing weather for a smoke. My hands extra numb from the brisk icy air, cheeks burning a bright red as even my bargain bin jacket did little to protect my weak human body from the elements.

Tilting my head to the nearby alleyway, I could see the source of that truly ominous voice. It belonged to a small framed woman of unknown age or ethnicity, she was completely dressed in an oversized black cloak which hid away her features deviously.

The cloak itself wasn't those cool merchant cloaks either. More like a mix between something a wizard wannabe would wear and a bathrobe, let me just say that I wasn't the only one shopping in the bargain bin.

She sat on her rump atop a large turquoise colored quilt. Items of unknown origin and various stages of decay surrounded her as if in a ritualistic manner. Indeed this woman wasn't of this world, mayhaps not even of any world in particular.

“So fellow traveler?- would you like to browse this merchant's wares?” She giggled lifting her head until only translucent blue eyes were visible from the darkness.

“Merchant!? You're a Street Vendor at best…” I snorted aloud sarcastically, this woman not quite impressing me, to say the least.

“And you're a twenty-something man child, who desires to live among the ponies!” She gave a hiss in dissatisfaction.

“But how!?” Even if I knew the answer, I was still flabbergasted that a dimensional traveler had found me.

“How is not important, you wish to learn more about the equines of a distant land?” She quipped with a feminine pop of her lips.

“Yes, more than anything!”

“You desire to be taught friendship?” She grinned a crooked smile full of mischief.

“Are you able to sell me an object or not!?” I shivered in place freezing to death.

I would've loved to continue this song and dance longer, but I could barely feel my feet at the moment and needed to get warm desperately. With a feminine huff of annoyance, the woman held out a dainty pastel green shawl.

“Here, satisfaction not guaranteed! If warnings you do not heed!” I took the shawl in hand, brow raised high in curiosity.

This was the moment I dreamed of for years. Though I have to admit the whole experience left an anticlimactic taste in my mouth, twirling the girlish garment over my shoulders I awaited my turn to be spirited away to Equestria.

Though for the life of me, I couldn't remember any ponies in the show who wore a shawl.

“No refunds.” She gave a snap of those thin pale fingers.

I felt a gust of wind dance across the sky, my hand lifted to shield myself from the sudden aggressive attitude of the weather. Her laughter tracing over the alley wickedly, vanishing as soon as she had appeared.

“Why would I want a refund? This is my…” I could feel a sudden pain forming on the sides of my skull.

It must be the shawl taking hold of my body, I felt as if I were suddenly on fire. The icy wind around me being absolutely blocked out with ease, my body temperature was skyrocketing if anything.

“Why am I feeling so hot!?” I tumbled out into the alley becoming disoriented.

My mouth opening to pant as I fell to my knees in a jolt of horrible pain. Two sharp tips began to forcefully press their way out of my head, I lifted my hands up screaming as I could feel them quickly increasing in size.

“Arghh! Why am I growing horns!?” my eyes widened in sheer terror.

Two massive black horns grew outward until femininely curving inward near the top. My hands clutching these horrid atrocities firmly, this wasn't anything like I dreamed of. “That damn Street Vendor tricked me!” I could feel muscles swelling on my upper backside.

I struggled to stand up straight the relentless weight of the extra-large hump on my back forcing me to all fours in pain. I groaned out helplessly as I waddled deeper into the alley. “Please, yak wanted to be pony!” the reality of what I was becoming sinking in.

Pounds of insulating fat began to swell under my clothes. I heard them rip at the seams with pathetic ease, my face starting to stretch far wider than anypony would have. The world was spinning out of control around me, my search for Equestria would soon be over.

My life as a yak, just beginning.