Storming the castle

by accidentallyoffensive

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character, Second Person, Comedy, Royal Guard, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 20768

An unlikely hero lays siege to canterlot castle for a chance to be reunited with the mare of his dreams.

Equestria's bumbling deadliest assassin is struggling to make ends meet. Until Princess Luna hires him to test Canterlots elite Gaurdponies. But he's not in for the money he just wants the chance meet the mare of his dreams, if he lives that long.

Good luck with that buddy, You're going to need it.

Cover art is: Imperialism by Yakovlev-vad on deviant art.

Published 2020-03-02 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-06 17:07:17 UTC

A shadow in the night

In the top of a tree just outside of Canterlot castle you sit, Carefully re-checking all of your gear by the light of the setting sun.
Every thing had to be perfect, this was your biggest job yet. And if anything goes wrong it'll be your last.
Once you are certain every thing is in order, You reach into your pocket and pull out a letter and silently read it to yourself as the last rays of the setting sun dance through the leaves overhead.
Tucking the letter back into your pocket, You smile as your heart flutters.
your finally getting a chance to see her again.

Earlier that day you questioned your life decisions (perticualy the career choice of becoming an assassin) as you walked into the shadiest establishment ponyvile had to offer The Rusty Bucket.

You found it necessary to duck low to avoid hitting your head on the doorsill as you walked in. Your five foot nine inch hight wasn't very impressive by human standards but you still towered over the average pony.

The Owner, A Burly earth pony named Griddle, Stood over a piping hot Cast Iron stove frying hashbrowns, pancakes and other breakfast delicacies for his hungry patrons.

"You got them bits you owe me yet?" He asked with a heavy manehatten accent as you sat at an empty table accidentally knocking over a half empty ketchup bottle.

"Sorry Griddle" you replied, "works been kinda scarce lately".

Turns out despite the fact that the quiet town was almost always under attack by some villain or another, there just wasn't as much work for an assassin in ponyvile as you had originally thought.

But NoOoOo! Pony's solve there problems with friendship instead of the tip of a dagger.

Through The Rusty Bucket's side door, a familiar backside emerged dragging a larg sack of potatos. Russet, the local potato farmer, kinda had a thing for Griddle and she wasn't very subtle about dropping hints. The cream colored pony gave the sack a few more tugs before her legs gave out as she flopped down on her butt with a loud,oof! Blushing, She quickly dusted herself off before leaning over the back counter and fluffing her curly brown mane with her hooves while swishing her tail back and forth suggestivly. "Hey Griddle, I got them potatoes you ordered" She said seductively.

"I could have picked em up later" Griddle replied shyly as he rubbed the back of his head with a hoof.

"It was no trouble at all Besides I wasn't do'in nothin anyhow and it gave me a chance to come into town an see ya'll anyway. It gets awfull lonesome back at the farm all by myself". she pouted.

"All by your self...?" you asked sarcastically? "What about your Mom, two Sisters, Brother in law and all those Nieces and Nephews back at the farm?"

"Umm......Im'a put these potatoes in yer rootcellar Griddle" She said as she blushed wildly and opened the pantry door leading to the underground rootcellar, eager for an excuse to hide her embarrassment.

You wait until she disappeared out of sight before turning to Griddle.

"You know that mare is crazy about you right?" You ask him.

"Yeah I know" he said. "But she deserves somepony handsome, Somepony that can give her nice things and take care of her like she deserves. I'm just..."he gestured at himself, "just ....me."

"Griddle" you deadpanned, "your selling yourself short buddy, your a good stallion, you make plenty of bits, you run your own... What is this place again?"

"A RESTAURANT!" Griddle exclaimed loudly.

"Yeah sure... restaurant". You said smiling and making finger quotes in the air. The meaning of which is lost on your close friend.

"I'm just saying she could do a lot worse. Who do you think she's going to marry? Pokey Pierce, the weird unicorn that got his cutiemark for wearing adult diapers?" You asked biting into a crispy hashbrown.

Griddle slapped the back of your hand with a spatula,"Them hashbrowns are for paying customers!" he said angrily.

"You two would make a great couple, And this place could use A woman's err... I mean A mares touch." You explained.

"What y'all talk'in bout?" Russet asked dusting herself of as she emerged from griddle's pantry.

"Nothing" you and Griddle said in unison while looking about nervously.

You picked up the order of hash browns you pilfered from Griddle's now very annoyed customer, and sat down in your favorite spot. That dark booth in the corner, No Windows, back against the wall and facing the entrances so you could see everypony that comes and goes. You put the tips of your fingers together in front of your face and quietly contemplate your most recent failed jobs.

the mayor of Ponyville:

She gave her Pegasus assistant the week off and needed someone tall to reach important documents on high shelves.
Easy peasy lemon squeasy.
Then you suggested removing a political rival.
Permanently.
She decided you might not be the best candidate for the job after all.

"excuse me"

bon bon:

She needed help making candy
You asked her, "When do we add the poison?"
She physically threw you out into the street and slammed the door

"Excuse me mister"

Cheerilee:

She needed help with some unruly students.
Apparently she disapproved of your teaching methods.
She contacted the equestrian board of education to ensure that you never become a teacher.

"Remember foals, I'll always be watching you from the darkest shadows."

"Hey mister!"

"Sorry, He gets like that sometimes, try slaping him it usually works" Griddle suggested from the far side of the room.

You felt a soft hoof gently slap you across the face as you snapped back to your senses. Blinking a few times you noticed a gray Pegasus mailmare standing before you, whom apparently has been trying to get your attention for some time now.

"Yes?" you asked While silently berating yourself for lowering your guard.

"I got a Package for you mister, I'll need you to sign for it" She said as she pushed a clipboard in your direction.

"Uhh... ok" you reply absent mindedly, Scribbling your name on the indicated line.

She took the clipboard back and scrunched her nose in an adorable fashion as she looked at you and said, "Mister you got a weird name."

"I know" you replied dejectedly.

She reached into her mailbag and pulled out a letter and gave It to you.

"Why did I have to sign for this?" you asked.

"You didn't, You had to sign for this!" she said placing a large bag of bits on to the table.

"Wow that's a lot of bits!.... Hey Griddle" You shouted across the room. "looks like I finally got a job, and it looks like it's going to be a big one too!"

You carefully examined the envelope. You find it was sent by Princess Luna, Protector of Dreams, Grand Architect of the Night Sky, and Co-Ruler of Equestria.

With a shrug you opened it, and your heart raced with excitement as you read the letters contents.
This was just the lucky break you've been waiting for! And you were going to show all of Equestria just what you could realy do!

Into the belly of the beast

As silently as a ghost you dart from shadow to shadow, mentally counting down the time you had until the next guard patrol would pass by the base of the castle's rampart.

four...

Three...

Two...

One...
A unicorn guard passes by, Shining a light back and forth keeping careful watch for intruders.

Not carefully enough, you think to yourself.

Waiting until the guard is out of sight, You reach into your backpack and remove a grappling hook and a long coil of rope.
Twirling the grappling hook over head you give it a toss and watch as the grappling hook disappears over the castle wall taking your long coil of rope with it.

"Crap!" You bring your Palm up to your face with a loud slap.
Next time don't let go of the rope, you think to yourself.

Reaching into your pack you remove a second grappling hook and another long coil of rope. You then proceed to repeat the action of twirling your grappling hook overhead and then tossing it over the wall, while this time firmly holding onto the end of the rope in order prevent your previous mistake.

With your rope now firmly secured, you begin scaling the vertical wall with all the grace of an out-of-shape spider and once you finaly Reach the top of the parapet you collapse in a heap, gasping for breath.

Once you finaly regain your composure, you take in your surroundings. All of Canterlot lays before you, it's city lights twinkling brightly.

Leaping from the parpet you silently land on the roof of a nearby building. The city streets are narrow and you can easily jump from rooftop to rooftop without any difficulty whatsoever.

You continue your moonlit journey towards the royal palace appearing as nothig more than a deadly silhouette in front of the full moon, Your shadow trailing silently behind you, like a phantom in the night, leaving no indication whatsoever that you were ever even here.

Until you step on a loose roof tile and slide uncontrollably to your doom in the city streets below.

Earlier that day in canterlot. Princess Celestia was enjoying her afternoon tea accompanied by her sister Luna.

"Dear sister you seem rather melancholy of late is something troubling you?" Luna asked her sister.

After a moment of silence Celestia let out a long sigh of desperation, "I'm just a little lonely is all Luna."

"What reason have you to be lonely dear sister? You are adored by all your subjects and I am here as well, rest assured you are quite loved" Luna reassured her sister.

"I love all of my little ponys and you too Lulu" Celestia said, placing a hoof on her sisters withers, "But I crave a more physical
relationship."

"Ooh..
Ooh my....
Sister I had no idea you felt that way about me.
I...I mean I hadn't realy thought about ....us in that way.
I mean we are sisters After all. Wouldn't that be incestuous or rather princestuous in our case?
I am realy quite... unsure but if you realy want to try I guess I'd be willing to give us a chance for you Tia." Luna stammered.

ppffffftt! Celestia spat a mouthful of tea across the room "Luna! That isn't what I meant at all,
I mean your a wonderful pony, And... I'm not saying It could never happen, but that realy wasn't what I had in mind." Celestia said using both hooves to cover her blushing cheeks.

"Oh good, Because to tell you the truth I was a little uncomfortable about the hole idea." Luna said making a rude gesture with her hooves and winking at her sister to ease the tension in the room.

After a long awkward silence Luna finally spoke up and said, "Surely we can find you a special somepony among our subject's.
Perhaps we should host a grand ball or a gala, Some kind of party get you out there and mingling."

"It just isn't that simple Luna, They all think of me in a motherly sense.
And surely you've noticed a certain anatomical difference between them and I."

"Hmmm... You have wings and a horn?"

"IM FREAKISHLY TALL LUNA! I tower over everypony.....I feel like a monster sometimes." Celestia breaks down sobbing. "Sniff...Sorry Luna I didn't mean to snap" Celestia apologised to her sister, wiping away her tears with a napkin.

"There, there, big sister don't cry it isn't all that bad is it." Luna said cheerfully.

"Luna, Imagine throwing a carrotdog down a hallway coated in lube." Celestia deadpanned.

"Oh it realy is that bad after all." Luna said staring off into the distance, realising there are certain things you can never un-imagine.

"All is not lost though sister" Celestia said tilting her head as she fondly reminisced,"A few months ago I was running late for my day court and I bumped into someone, he was tall, handsome and strong, but unfortunately, he was also unconscious. So i never realy got his name. And by the time court was adjourned he was gone. And I have no idea were he went."

"It wasn't that pretentious minotaur Iron Will was it" Luna asked in a concerned tone.

Both sister looked at each other scrunching their muzzles adorably and exclaimed "Eww gross" in unison, before rolling on the floor completly devolving into a fit of girly giggles.

Once the two sisters recovered from their random fit of silliness Luna turned to her sister and said, "Tis good to see you smile again Tia. I mean really, Sometimes you make me feel like the older sister, Always cheering you up and whatnot."

"Which reminds me dear sister I've taken the liberty of hiring you an assassin." Luna said is if she didn't just threaten her sisters life.

Celestia sternly glared at her sister, "I swear Luna I will send you right back to the moon!" Ceslestia said raising her voice while pointing a hoof at her sister.
"I thought we finally put all this foalishnes behind us."

"Tia it's not like that" Luna explained.
"The guard's have been getting restless lately. They've been complaining that there isn't anything to guard against. Things are a little too peaceful to suit them, So I've arranged a little training exercise."

"I've explained every thing in my letter this morning, And he should be here tonight. The guards are already making preparations, And he knows we'll be waiting for him."

"Doesn't this seem just a teensy bit dangerous Luna?" Celestia asked her sister.

"Nonsense Tia, Nopony would ever realy harm you."

"Luna I can quite handle myself if it should ever come to blows." Celestia reassured her sister.
"It's your assassin that I worry about, The lunar guard can get a little over zealous sometimes. They might actually kill somepony."

"I must admit they can be a little over the top sometimes, But the pony I've hired is a highly trained professional.
Pony's say he can melt into the very shadows themselves and silently strike without warning before disappearing without a trace.
I'm confident he'll be more than a match for canterlot's elite guardsponys." Luna told her sister beaming with confidence." And don't pretend that you yourself aren't eager for a little action dear sister."

"Well I suppose your right Luna, And this might be a good chance to blow of a little steam. Just as long as nopony gets hurt."

Both sisters jumped around the room in excitement for all the fun that tonight would bring.

Author's Note

No I didn't misspell whole, Luna made a dirty joke.

P.S. it seems that great minds think alike for Gimmick68 also wrote about Celestia complaining that she's freakishly tall in the story After Words wich was featured feb 27 2020.

Out of the frying pan

Arms flailing wildly You careen down the steeply slanted rooftop at breakneck speed, as you race to your doom on the hard cobble stones below. You desperately reach out for anything to slow your fall, But the dew coated roof tiles prove much to slippery to find any purchase. You look down as the edge of the rooftop rapidly approaches and notice the silvery moonlight reflecting off the edge of a rain gutter. You firmly plant your feet in an attempt to arrest your speedy descent and preserve your rapidly shrinking lifespan.

Your heels catch on the thin metal of the rain gutter. With adrenaline coursing through your veins you clutch a hand to your chest in a desperate attempt to slow your racing heartbeat.

Now would be a great time for your life to flash before your eyes but you realy don't have time for a flashback right now, As the silence of the midnight air is shattered by a faint "pop!"

"Pop!"

"pop!"

The rivets securing the thin metal rain gutter shear off and bounce against the wall on the opposite side of the narrow city street.
As the dislodged rain gutter falls down to the street below with a loud clatter, And you slowly slide over the edge of the slippery rooftop.

Falling uncontrollably through the air, You catch yourself on a clothesline stretched tightly between two buildings.
Dangling helplessly several feet above the street below, You carefully consider your now very limited options when out of the corner of your eye you notice an innocent mare taking a bath in the privacy of her own home.
You tried not to look... you honestly did... but it kind of just happened.
And then, your eyes met.

Shocked at having a grown man in tight leather pants fall from the sky to peep on her in the most private of all places, she lets out a shrill shriek as she rips her shower curtain free to cover herself, She wastes no time at all throwing any thing within her reach at the peeping pervert.

As a shampoo bottle whizzes dangerously close to your head as you let go of the clothesline and free fall the rest of the way to the street below.
Landing safely in a conveniently placed wagonfull of hay, You ~~kiss the ground repeatedly just happy to be reunited with good old tera firma~~ brush the hay from your clothes, And slip into a dark alleyway to avoid the city guards that will no doubt be attracted to the sound of the chaos that you left in the wake of your carelessness.

Under the cover of darkness you carefully navigate the winding city streets while dodging the ever increasing guard patrols until you finally come to the heavily guarded palace gates.

After a few moments of preparation, You steel yourself for what you're about to do next.

Boldly walking up to the Gaurdponys you slap one across the muzzle and shout, "Your mother was a two bit whorse!" before running down the dark alleyway like your life depended on it, Because quite frankly it did.

After a brief moment of shocked silence the assaulted guardpony shouted, "Get that fool!" As they all rushed down the dark alleyway in hot pursuit of their cloaked assailant.

You fling yourself against the wall as the furious Guardponys rush past you, Stumbling over the trip wire and sliding across the greased cobble stones landing in a tangled heap at the end of the alleyway.

"Sorry fellas but I can't have you following me" You tell the tangled mess of Gaurdponys as you empty a trashcan on top of them.

Slipping through the palace gates, You wander the dark corridors in absolute silence, like a ravenous wolf stalking your helpless prey. You slip though the empty hallway and up a flight of stairs higher and higher you climb. The palace unfolding before you like an endless labyrinth in the inky black of the midnight hour.

It was a warm and sunny day in Canterlot, As you and Griddle stood in line for Princess Celestias day court.
Griddle needed to see the Princess in order to renew his restaurant permit and he insisted that you came along too.

"You look like you could use a change in scenery, and everypony should see Canterlot at least once in their lifetime." He had told you.

But you were pretty sure that the thought of leaving you unsupervised in his beloved restaurant terrified the living daylights out of him.

You realy didn't mind anyway, you and Griddle went way back, And you enjoyed the middle-aged stallion's company.

A Royal Guard opened the doors to the throne room and instructed everypony to find a seat as the Princess will be ariving shortly.

Large crowds made you feel uneasy and the throne room was packed with ponys that needed to see their beloved ruler for one reason or another.

You nudged Griddle with an elbow and told him you were stepping out for some fresh air he silently nodded in understanding as you waded through the sea of ponys towards the exit.

You briefly wandered the palace corridors before hearing the frantic clatter of hooves, rounding the corner Princess Celestia rushed towards you at full gallop, a slice of buttered toast hanging from her mouth flopping up and down with each step as she ran.

She noticed you to late to stop as the two of you collided with a bone jarring crash!

The sheer force of the impact sent you flying through the air before bouncing unceremoniously off the hard marble floor.

You faded in and out of consciousness, Blood dripping from your head and your limbs splayed out in strange angles
The smell of crunchy toast was overpowering as you looked down and tried to peel it of your chest, but you stupid arm wouldn't move.

"How dare you betray me...., arm!"

Princess Celestia wrapped her wings around you and held you close to her warm body, As tears slowly dripped down her soft cheeks.

As the world blead in and out of focus, You stared into her warm magenta eyes, Her lips moving, Calling out in a voice you couldn't hear over the ringing in your ears. If only you could reach those soft lips you thought to yourself, then you could die a happy man.

Author's Note

Who was the mare in the shower? I'm thinking Twilights mom, But I want to know who you want it to be

Into the fire

You stalked the palace corridors. Slipping through the still night as silently as a shadow.
In the eery darkness common objects took on an unnaturally spooky appearance and time slowed to a crawl as the seconds seemed to tick by as slowly as hours. But you knew it was just your mind playing tricks on you.

Suddenly up ahead you could sense something waiting for you in the darkness, the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end.

"Good I was hoping you would find me first" Said a mysterious voice from the shadows.
A match is struck a few feet away and you see the source of the voice, a handsome unicorn stallion Reclining in a chair tipped up on it's back legs, His back hooves resting comfotably on the table, A position you previously thought impossible for equestrian anatomy. Running a hoof through his long black wavy mane he askes, "Do you know who I am?"

"Anponio banderas?" You ask inquisitivly.

"No, but he would love my shirt" The unicorn said gesturing at the bilowy white shirt with laces dangling loosly from his chest, As he lit a few candles.
"My name is Inigo Montoya and you killed my father prepare to die."

"What? No I didn't" You say.

"Ha ha i jest, my father is quite well."
"My name is Silver Flourish" He said bowing low. "I am the greatest Swordspony that Equestria has ever seen. I have trained with the Grandmasters in Prance, and since then I have traveled all of the land honing my skills."

"I've heard of you before, They say you are the best that has ever been" You say.

"Thank you I am pleased that you know of my reputation.
I feel like you are a good po...um I mean person, and I am an excellent judge of character. But sadly I must kill you now."
He said tossing you a rapier.

"What is this for?" You ask?

"It makes things more fun for me" he said smiling.
"Come with me there's isn't enough room in here for the next part."

he leads you through an archway and into the center of a spacious foyer that sprawls out in picturesque elegance, with chandeliers hanging from it's high ceiling and a grand staircase at it's far end.

"This will do" he said, Drawing his own rapier that hung from a belt around his middle, The silvery glow of his magical aura glimmering as he gave it a flourish

Drawing your rapier you gave it an experimental flourish of your own. The razor sharp blade slicing effortlessly though a nearby candle.
"You have excellent tast in blades my friend" You compliment him.

"Thank you. I can see you are no stranger to swordplay yourself."

"It's true you tell him, I am a familiar face on the piste."

Silver Flourish's eyes sparkled with mirth as he said, "let us begin Allez!"

You both take the en guarde position befor lunging, thrustin, parrying, and beating each others blades back and forth sending sparks showering from your blades as you circle each other in the dimly lit room.

Silver Flourish, Fletche's toward you in an explosive burst of speed as you guard against his attack, Blades locked together in a deadly contest of strength, He laughs at you and says, "I'm beginning to have fun. But you know what would be more fun?" He askes jumping into the air and planting his hind hooves into your chest knocking you back a few steps.

"What would that be?" You ask him.

"If you weren't holding back!" He shouted, unleashing a flurry of thrusts that you could barely parry, the clashing of your blades ringing loudly as the furiousity of his attacks forced you back against a wall.

"Ok you got me" You said smiling as you tossed your rapier from your left hand catching it in your right and pulling a main gouche from a decorative weapon display on the wall with your free hand.
It was your turn to go on the offensive, constantly knocking his blade aside with your main gouche leaving him open to attacks from your rapier that he had to continuously dodge, backpedaling until his back was against the wall.

"You want to know a secret?" He asked you, "I also have been holding back this whole time" He said using his magic to draw several more rapiers from the wall. The silver glow of his magic shimmered as he spun the swords around his body in a deadly orbit.

This was no longer a friendly fencing match, But two masters of the blade struggling for dominance.

Silver Flourish danced about the room on his hind hooves laughing as he pursued you, Somehow snapping castanets the whole time.

Sliding under tables and leaping over furniture. You ran for your life in a desperate attempt to prevent his spinning blades of death from cutting you to ribbons.

"No one has ever lasted this long against me before. Who are you?" He askes.

"No one of consequence" You reply ripping a picture frame from the wall and throwing it in his direction.

"I must know" He insisted using his whirling swords to turn the picture frame into confetti.

Looking about to make sure no one else could overhear, you quietly tell him your name.

"You are joking no? That is a silly name.
If you take your first two initials and then say your last name it so-"oof!

As Silver pondered your name he let his guard down for the briefest moment. And during that moment you slid under his swords and swept his hooves out from under him as he fell flat on his back knocking the wind from his lungs and dropping all of his swords with a loud clatter.

"You have defeated me in fair combat, kill me quickly" He said with his eyes clenched shut. A solitary tear roling down his furry cheek.

"I would sooner destroy a stained glass window than an artist such as your self" You tell him holding out a hand to help him to his hooves. "Besides you were the better swordspony anyway, I only won because of a dirty trick. I know you are an honorable member of the lunar gaurd, But I must ask you where can I find Princess Ceslestia?"

"I am not a member of the lunar gaurd. I snuck into the palace to be with my marefriend she is a prench maid that works here. But I would never betray the princess so I cannot tell you where she is."

"I swear I would never hurt the Princess, but I must tell her how I feel."

"Wait...He looks you in the eyes. Do you mean?"

You silently nod.

Author's Note

This chapter ~~ripped off~~ was Heavily inspired by the movie the princess bride

The spider and the fly

Silver Flourish led you to the servants quarters, If anypony could help avoid the guards and find the Princess it was the maids.

Silver couldn't see very well in the darkness and stumbled frequently, as you hurried down the long corridor, it isn't long before you reach your destination.

Crouching at the door you reach into your pocket for your lock picks and start working on the lock.

"What are you doing? Silver askes you" pushing you aside "We should just knock, she's my marefreind, she'll let us in."

"We're hiding from the guards, What if they hear us knocking, What if when she opens the door and see's me and she screams, Or worse calls the guards!"

"Or what if when we break into her room, She attacks us, Or worse calls the guards" Silver argues.

"Our best option is quietly sneak in while she sleeps and then you gently wake her" You tell him.

Silver reluctantly agrees as you busy yourself picking the lock.... After a few moments the door lazily creaked open and Silver stumbled inside and knocked something over in the darkness with a loud "Crash!"

Hunching yourself over you squeeze through the tiny door frame to check on your new friend "Crash!"
Somepony broke something over your head as you crumple to the ground in a heap on top of Silver Flourish.

A few seconds later you came to, the guards must have been waiting for us! You think to yourself.
Somepony strong grabs your pack straps and drags you deeper into the room.
You try to stand up but they break something over your back as soon as you move.

You cradle Silvers limp form in your arms and slide backwards into a wall holding a hand up in a guesture of parlay.

Standing over you is a cute Pegasus mare holding a heavy mohagony wardrobe effortlessly over her head.
She says something in a language you don't understand as she put the wardrobe down.
You flinch as she rushes over.

She starts fussing over Silver Flourish, as tears streak down her face leaving glistening trails in her white fur. Rushing over to the bed and putting her long auburn mane in a tight bun she motions for you to bring silver.

You stand up bumping your head on the low ceiling, Silver lets out a low groan as he smiles up at you winking and putting a hoof to his mouth making a Shhh gesture.

You look at him as your worried expression melts away. You consider dropping him, But you know that you'd do the same if a cute mare was going to nurse you back to health.

After placing him on the bed, You begin walking towards the door to continue your search but Silver lets out a loud groan and reaches a hoof in your direction, the Pegasus darts in front of you blocking your exit.

"Who are you, why have you come here, how do you know my beloved and what have you done to him?" She askes in a heavy prench accent.

"I'm an assassin hired by princess Luna to test the guards" You try to explain over the sound of Silvers groans.

"True love" Silver groans.

"Ok, I came to tell Celestia I love her!" You blurt out while scowling at Silver.

"Do you even know zee princess?" She asked skeptically.

"We bumped into each other a few months ago" You say with a casual shrug.

She thinks about it for a few moments, she has noticed a change in the princess recently. Then she realized why she doesn't like you.
"It took me hours to scrub zee blood out of zat carpet" she scolds, smacking you repeatedly, Until Silver groans again.

"Silver says you might be able to help me get past the guards and find Princess Celestia."

"hmm... I might be able to help" She says holding a hoof under her muzzle as if in deep thought.
"Zee palace has secret passage ways, Some for zee princesses and some for zee maids so zay can come and go without being seen. Their is a map zee head maid has it. She uses it to train the new maids.
It will not be easy to convince her to help. She is... how do you say?... oh! A hard ass."

"Take me to her please! I must convince her to help" You beg.

She looks at Silver Flourish as if she is reluctant to leave his side.

"Please for true love" he groans

"Follow me" she says, rolling her eyes at Silver's antics.

"I don't even know your name" you say as you raced down the hallway, with the maid galloping swiftly ahead of you.

"It's Feather Duster" she said skidding to a halt in front of a large ominous door as you nearly bumped into her from behind.
"Zis is it. Zee head maid is inside, now l must return to Silver. Good luck!"

You knock quietly on the door and wait for an answer.

Almost instantly the door opens a crack and then quickly closes again.

You stand there dumbfounded.... And as soon as you turn to walk away the door opens again, An older but still very lovely mare in a prench maid outfit motioned for you to enter. She had cute little halvemoon glasses perched on her nose and her graying mane done up in a tight bun just like Feather Dusters.

"I've been expecting you my name is Brandy Wine, I am the Head Maid for the Princesses" she says.

"How did you know I was coming?" You ask as you narow your eyes in distrust.

"Because I orchestrated this whole thing down to the very last detail" she tells you, using a hoof to massaging the dark circles under her eyes. "every thing from you going to canterlot, The Princess running late, The guards restlessness, Princess Lunas letter and even you meeting Silver Flourish."

"But why... I don't understand?"

"Because we maids see every thing in the castle without ever being seen, nothing happens without us knowing, If somepony makes a mess or something breaks, one does not look for a maid because we're already on the job. We live only to serve, we are the princesses closest confidantes, Always there for them if they cry, ready with a hoofcerchif to dry there tears. When they smile we smile. And if they ever become lonely we find them somebody to love."

You just stared in awe, "I never realized just how hard you maids realy worked until now" you tell her as you knealed before her and brought her forehoof up to your lips and gave it a gentle kiss as she looked away blushing.

"Enough sentimentality we have a battle to plan" She says as she leads you to a large table covered in maps.
"There are passage ways large enough for the princesses here, here, here and here" she says pointing to the locations on the map.
"Princess Luna is waiting for you here, it's a choke point and there is no other way through. These passages here, here, here, here, here and here are to small for you to enter my tiny maids barely fit. But here" She draws a circle on the map, "Is a dumbwaiter big enough for a team of maids and a cart of cleaning supplies you should be able to use it to skip these levels completely.
And Princess Celestia is here in the highest room in the tallest tower."

You study the maps carefully, the hardest part will be getting past Luna.

"Somepony warned me you were a real hard ass Brandy" You say as you bend down and wrap her in a warm hug, "But i think your a real sweetheart."

"I gave you carefull instructions. If you buck this up you'll find out first-hoof how much of a hard ass I can be" she says slapping you across the butt as you hurry out of her room and into the darknes towards the dumbwaiter.

Ball room blitz

The rhythmic squeaking of the antique wooden pulleys was your constant companion as you hoisted yourself higher and higher into the dark shaft. Two more levels to go and you would be at the grand ballroom, where Princess Luna was no doubt waiting for you.

Sneaking by would never work, Luna was even more attuned to the darkness than you were, Given she was the princess of the night sky and all.

Hand to hoof combat was out of the question, Luna had enough raw magical power to raise the moon, and the fact that she could crush boulders between her hooves gave her an unfair advantage.

A disguise might work, but even then their was no way you'd convince her you were a pony, let alone one of her personal guards.

Reaching the top of the shaft you apply the hand break so the dumbwaiter didn't plummet to the bottom of the shaft as soon as you let go of the rope. Opening the doors you step out face to face with a very surprised Lunar Gaurdpony.

"Snitches get stiches" you say. As his eyes widen with fear as he looks at the door and then back to you.

And looks at the door and then back to you.

One more time he looks at the door and then making a rude gesture with his hoofs (The pony equivalent of flipping the bird) he bolts for the door.

You leap through the air in an attempt to tackle the guardpony before he could raise the alarm, But you miss landing on the floor with a loud "Thud!"

The Guardpony yells "Bad touch!" as your hand darts out and grabs ~~his~~ her tail in an attempt slow her escape. You advert your gaze from her marebits as she drags you along the floor kicking at your fingers until you eventually release her tail and roll to your feet.

Too late, You are allready surrounded by guards who immediately ponypile on top of you pinning you down to the floor as you struggle to escape.

Getting a hand free you grab a guard by the neck and throw him/her at another guard, Rinse and repeat until you finally break free and jump over the balcony railing to land on a table below shattering it to kindling.

This however did nothing to dissuade the guards from following you over the edge and landing on top of you in one giant pile pinning you inescapably to the cold marble floor.

"Enough!"... "release the intruder we wish to finish him our self!" Princess Luna says as she gently floats down from a high balcony with her wings outstretched carrying a massive silver engraved warhammer.

The gaurds scramble to their feet in a neat row saluting their Princess, Only to find....no one at the bottom of the pile!
Looking around in confusion they realize that you had somehow escaped.

"Find the knave and bring him before us at once!" Luna bellowed in her royal canterlot voice.

Waiting until the guards were out of sight, you explode from the cabinet that you were hiding in, Charging Luna head on screaming "Woo Woo woowoowoo!" before sliding on your knees between her legs slapping her pony tits on the way by.

Furious! She turns around and throws her warhammer at you as you roll out of the way and dive into a dark shadow.

"Thou cannot hide from us in the shadows fool!" Luna says, magically melting into her own shadow and disappearing only to reappear right next to you instantainiously. She swings at your head with her warhammer as you jump out of the way sliding into another shadow, only for Luna to shadowslide into it as Well.

But you weren't there any more.

"Come out....come out....wherever you are" She says in a sing song voice as she searched for you.

Suppressing a giggle, you run by and slap her on the cutiemark, before sliding into another shadow.

"Damn you!"Luna screams in frustration bringing her warhammer crashing down leaving a crater in the floor.

If you got caught you were a dead man. Your very life depended on you beating Luna at her own game.

You pull her tail as you dive into another shadow, But Luna was faster this time and almost caught you.

"Looking for me" you whisper in her ear and quickly duck out of the way a moment before she smashes a hoof into the wall exactly where your face was a fraction of second ago.

"Come out and face me like a Mare you bucking tease!" Luna yelled out in mental, and possibly even sexual frustration.

Ok. you did not see that one coming!

Luna's last statement caught you off guard. As you stayed in one place a fraction of a second too long and Luna almost grabbed you from behind before you could get away.

Jumping for another shadow you slip in a puddle and land flat on your back,"oohf!" Running a finger though the offending puddle, you stare transfixed at the viscosity of the liquid as it stretches between your finger and thumb leaving one long sticky strand. Giving the mysterious goo an experimental sniff your suspicions were confirmed, It was 100% female arousal.

It's Luna's turn to whisper in your ear, "I haven't been this exited in a thousand years" she says. Pouncing on you as she grinds her warm marehood into your lap soaking your crotch in her juices as she clutches your head between her hooves forcing you into a deep kiss.

Your vision goes white and fireworks explode inside your head as Luna forces her tounge inside your mouth and your tastebuds are assaulted by the flavors of BlackBerry, wintergreen and absinth.

You try to scramble away but Luna grabs your ankle and pulls you back towards her.
"Your not going anywhere until you plunder my dungeon" Luna said lustfully.

"Luna! I came here to find your sister" you shout.

"Tia won't mind sharing" Luna said in a sultry voice looking you up and down with her bedroom eyes.

That's when the guards returned, thinking quickly you snatch something from a nearby table and hold it against Lunas throat.
"Anypony moves and the Princess gets it!" You shout at the guards. Luna grinds her hot cunt against your thigh as you Slowly started backing towards the staircase that leads towards the princesses personal quarters.

"You know that's a spoon right?" a guard deadpannes.

But you had them right where you wanted them! rubbing against Lunas juicy marebits she lets out a loud moan.

"Everypony stay back! Do as he says. He's serious!" Luna says, trying not to moan to much as a very sensitive part of her anatomy would grind against the mans leg every time he took a step back .

Another guard facehooves, and they all throw down their spears.

You rub Luna vigorously with your thigh until she paints your leg with Marecum before slumping to the floor in post orgasmic bliss.
As you turn and start up the stairs Luna waves a hoof at you and says, "♡call me♡!"

Author's Note

Technicaly it's an elevator but that just sounded so modern. So for the sake of creative freedom I'm calling it a dumbwaiter.

Awe man no turning back now this fic is officially rated m for mature.

Highest room in the tallest tower

You raced up the spiral staircase as fast as your legs would Carry you, Desperately searching for a way to slow down the the rapidly approaching Guardsponys. Pulling a small bag of ballbearings from your belt you dump them behind you hoping to at least compromise their footing and make climbing the stairs a little more difficult.

"Thud"

"Thud"

"Thud oohf!"

Judging by the sound of guardponies falling down the stairs that actually worked better than you thought it would.
Panting for breath as you reach the landing at the top of the stairs you swing the heavy oak door closed and jam a long narow table betwean the door and the wall to prevent it from being opened.

You found yourself in a skyway that led in two directions with each of the Princesses personal residences on their respective sides. To the left Princess Lunas tower and to the right Princess Celestia's.

Standing in the junction you almost start down the left hallway without thinking. The feisty lunar alicorn left quite the impact on you in the brief moments that you shared together.

But you came here to find Celestia and find Celestia you shall.

Hurrying down the right hallway your footsteps are silent on the rich purple carpet that covered polished white marble floors, rows of pony shaped plate armour lined both sides of the hallway like guards standing at attention, and old maps were framed and hung on the wall, relics of Equestrias rich and ancient history proudly on display. Reminding you that the Princesses where both ancient and powerfull and they didn't inherit Ruling Equestria they earned it through diplomacy or the tip of a sword if push came to shove.

Time was of the essence, Princess Celestia would be waking up soon to raise the sun, and if you didn't reach her before then tonight's efforts would be in vain.

Before you stood A heavy wooden door emblemized with a golden Sun. You step over the threshold and into the round and spacious room. It's sparse furnishings reflected not a Princesses treasure trove of priceless baubles but simple everyday objects found in the homes of mares across Equestria, needle point, knick nacks, a ceramic vase full of fragrant flowers, a dirty plate littered with cake crumbs and a fork.

Just looking around at Celestia's everyday things you gained a sense that, under her princessly crown she was just an ordinary mare after all.

Stepping over her discarded golden horseshoes and amethyst peytral you make your way up the narrow stair case that lead to Celestia's bed chambers.

Pulling open a curtain and stepping through an archway you finaly gaze upon the sleeping form of the princess.
She was snuggled under a soft comforter with her hooves holding the covers tightly under her chin, Over her eyes she wore a pink sleeping eye mask embroidered with cartoony sleeping eyelashes, and her mane was done up in comically oversized hair rollers.

The sleeping Princess was cute beyond what the scope of words could possibly describe.

But now you were faced with a unique problem, you've been racing across the city and battling tooth and nail with the guards in the castle all night long just to find the sleeping princess and you realize that you never put any thought into what you were going to say ~~if~~ when you finaly got this far.
Should you wake her?
How does one wake a princess?
~~With a kiss like in the fairy tales?~~ Nope that would be freaking creapy.

Despite the fact that the guards might burst though the doors and capture you at any moment you decide its probably best if the Princess wakes up on her own. Waiting patiently, you sit on the floor crosslegged at the foot of the bed. Accidentally smudging some chalk marks drawn on the floor.

Unfortunately inactivity has a way of making time slow to a crawl. Mere seconds seem to pass as slowly as hours as the long night has taken it's toll on your body and you begin to doze off......

Princess Luna watches the guards struggle to open the door at the top of the stairs for a few minutes, Even though she knew It was a pointless effort.
That door was designed as a last defense countermeasure, If the castle were ever overrun by enemies then the Princesses were to barricade themselves inside until the guards could neutralize the threat.
Not that it would ever come to that in this day and age. Equestria has never known a more peaceful time and there were few beings in known existence that could rival the might of the diarchy.

If Luna believed her sister was in any sort of real danger she could easily shatter the door despite it's magical wards, or wrench it from its hinges with her bare hooves, or simply banish the door to Tartarus. It wouldn't be the first time she ever banished a door to Tartarus or an uncomfortable pillow for that matter.

Now that the assassin's deadly steel marbles have been cleared away injured guardponys could be carried away on stretchers, One such guardpony stared blankly at the ceiling as he was carried past the Lunar Princess.

"Thank you for your service my little pony" Luna said to the incapacitated Guardpony as she gently placed a hoof on his barrel.

"Did we get him your majesty?" The mangled guard asked

"Not yet my little pony, But the scoundrel won't last the night." Luna reassured the guard as he was carried away by his comrades.

"Will that guard be alright?" Luna asked a passing medicpony.

"Hmm steel resolve? Yeah he'll be fine just a mild sprain he'll be fit to return to duty by tomorrow."

"Has anypony been seriously injured?" Luna asked.

The medicpony flipped through the pages of his clipboard.
"No serious injuries everypony should make a full recovery" The medicpony replied nodding his head.

Once the guardponies finished carrying away all of the injured. Luna opened a window and flew out, Her strong wings carried her effortlessly on the night breaze. She could just as easily had teleported if she wanted but Luna preferred to fly.
Luna swooped low over the castle gardens, It was late summer so the honeysuckle and lavander was in bloom and Luna enjoyed the scent of the fragrant flowers.
With a few strong wing beats Luna had gained enough altitude to land gently on the balcony of her personal tower. The physical effort of flying always helped Luna to wind down and relax after a long night. But tonight was different, no mater how hard she tried she couldn't stop thinking about the assassin.
Slipping off her silver horseshoes and her peytral Luna stepped into a relaxing hot shower to try and take her mind off the night's event's. Hot water washed over Luna's tired body. She wanted her sister to be happy, But at the same time she couldn't help but be jealous. And more than a little embarrassed after how forward she had been. And she was hurt, hurt that she was passed over for another mare, even if it was her sister. Pain welled up in Luna's chest and she could feel tears forming at the corners of her eyes.
It just wasn't fair, More than anything Luna wanted to kick down her sisters door and claim the human stallion as her own. Even though in her heart she knew it would be wrong. She would never force sompony to love her.
It was then that Luna realized she knew next to nothing about the mysterious assassin, Having hired him on reputation alone. Until tonight Luna didn't even know he was human. She wasn't so desperate as to throw herself at some random stranger.
There are plenty of seaponies that smelled like fish, Luna thought to herself unsure why that was even a saying but who was she to judge.

Toweling off never realy got ponies completely dry, So Tossing the soggy towel aside Luna used her magic to conjure a warm breaze to chase the residual moisture from her fur, tail and mane.

Stepping onto the balcony, Luna rose up into the air as strange arcane symbols swirled about on the floor as she started the task of lowering the moon, realigning a stray comet and pulling a few asteroids closer just in case she decided to perform a meteor shower any time soon.

Princess Luna flopped unceremoniously into her bed, and covering herself with a light blanket Luna fell into a fitful sleep plagued by unsettling dreams.

Author's Note

Yeah sorry Luna that not exactly how that particular saying goes.

Sweet dreams are made of this?

As Luna drifted off to sleep she thought she heard a gasp and quiet moans. Lifting her head from her pillow she looked about her room, If somepony was playing tricks on her it was in very poor taste and they picked the wrong night to get on her bad side.

After deciding she must have simply imagined the strange noise she snuggled into her pillow and drifted back off to sleep.

"Smack!" "ooohh!"

Luna jolted awake, There was no mistaking it somepony was definitely in her room.

Jumping from her bed she violently flipped it over to reveal whomever was hiding. But nopony was under her bed.
Luna threw her closet doors open, cracking the wall with the force of the impact. Nopony was in her closet.
There was a box in the corner of her room that she had only just noticed. Luna ripped the box open with her magic only to reveal... a lifeless princess sized ponnequin, wearing the ugliest formal dress she had ever seen.

She had forgotten that she had commissioned a dress for formal occasions. The dress maker had asked what she wanted it to look like, and now Luna regretted telling her that "It didn't matter what it looked like" and to" Just throw something together."

The maids must have left it in her room and never told her. Not that Luna could blame them she wouldn't want to take credit for delivering such a monstrosity either.

Deciding she would never get to sleep tearing her room apart, Luna righted her bed and climbed under her blanket. This time she put on her enchanted ear muffs, they were a gift from her sister Celestia. Somepony could drive a freight train through a nitroglycerin factory and she would never hear it, as long as she was wearing them.

The third time is the charm Luna thought to herself as she fluffed up her pillow and settled in for some much needed sleep.
But as soon as she finaly drifted off to sleep she could hear the faint sound of moaning mixed with the occasional smack and a constant shlic, shlic, shlic, shlic of something wet being penetrated.

Luna then realised the sounds must be coming from the dream realm. It was rare, but sometimes a dream could be heard from outside of its personal dreamscape. An ordinary dream wouldn't bleed through though, Only dreams that were fueled by very strong emotions could be heard from outside of it's private space. A sort of mental cry for help.

Luna trotted across the vast expanse of the dark dreamscape. Large bubbles that glowed with a inviting blue fluorescent light, each containing someponies individual dream, dotted the dreamscape in a random and three dimensional pattern.
Luna followed the sound of the lewd noises. Dawn was rapidly approaching and dream bubbles were fading and winking out of existence as early risers woke from there slumber to start their day.

"By Celestias tits if it's that stallion that is obsessed with tubs of jelly again I'm going to slap the crap out of him and pretend I was never here" Luna cursed out loud.

Luna drew closer and closer to the source of the disturbance. It sounded like a very perverse wet dream, The kind that stemmed from one-sided unrequited love. Or worse something incestuous or forbidden or just plain socially unacceptable. It was technically her job to guide ponys in their dreams, But it didn't mean she had to like it when it got wierd.

Luna was close, She could feel it.
Poking her head inside a bubble she looked around. Nothing out of the ordinary here just a normal pony dream.

Luna picked another random bubble to peer into.

"You again!" She screamed while pointing a hoof at the pony who was relaxing on a massage table while a curvy masseuse pony composed entirely of jelly gave him a "happy ending".

"Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!" He screamed upon seeing Princess Luna's dismembered head poking through the wall and shouting at him. His dream bubble violently popped as he woke startled from his debaucherous dream.

Luna clenched her eyes shut tightly and rubbed her temples, If only she could forget what she had just seen. Shaking her head in a final attempt to rid her mind of such disturbing images Luna continued her search.

Twisting and turning through the surreal plane of existence that was the dreamscape, Luna finally happend upon the source of the disturbance.

"Moon and stars above!" This cannot be, she said aloud to herself. The bubble in question was easily twice the size of an ordinary bubble and it shimered with a golden light instead of the usual blue. This could only be Celestias dream.

Something wasn't right, Tia always shields her dreams Luna thought to her self.
It wasn't that Celestia was hiding anything. It was just simply a mater of privacy. One does not peer into her sister's most private of dreams and casualy make eye contact over the breakfast table.

Luna was torn with gut wrenching indecision, On one hoof she respected her sisters privacy. That and she realy didn't want to see what her sister was dreaming about that could possibly produce such lewd noises.
But on the other hoof it was her responsibility to help guide ponies in there troubled dreams. And if not her then who else could ease her sisters troubled mind? Maybe it wouldent be so bad, Celestia might just be dreaming about churning butter.

A shiver went down Luna's spine as a sultry moan escaped from the bubble, Realy sexy butter Luna thought to her self.

Bracing herself for whatever she might find. Luna entered the dream, the soft membrane of the dream caressed her body as she slipped inside, In a completely non sexual way of course.

Nothing could posibly prepare Luna for what she saw, Not even if she had a thousand years. And it would take her another thousand years just to forget, and even then that might not be long enough.

A larger than life Celestia knealed with her forlegs curled under her barrel. A blindfold was fixed over her eyes, A red ball gag was strapped in her mouth and a tennis ball was firmly lodged on the pointy end of her horn. A metal bar was strapped to her hindlegs keeping them spread wide, and Luna could see Celestia's ample pony cleavage jiggling back and forth as a giant man battered her foal factory with his girthy appendage.

But that wasn't even the worst part, Behind the copulating couple Luna could see an equally large version of herself in a tight black bodice brandishing a wooden paddle with the words, The Royal Punisher engraved in its surface.

Luna retched into her mouth. It was just to much for her. She blindly ran out of the dream and crashed head long into a man carrying an armfull of potatoes.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there" Luna apologized as she helped the man to his feet and helped him gather his scattered tubers.
"Wait... who are you, and how did you get here and where did those potatoes come from?"

"who I am isn't important right now your majesty and as for how I got here I haven't a clue, but we gotta get those two to quiet down, there are foals playing nearby."

"I don't understand...you shouldn't be here and what's with the potatoes? Luna asked again, clearly confused."

"Well I tried shouting at them, But they didn't seem to notice me so I thought that maybe if I could find something to throw at them then that might work."

"The dreams must be connected some how!" Luna proclaimed.

"Sorry your majesty but i think that might have something to do with me. See those ponies on the front porch over there?" The man asked Luna as he cheerfully waved at the ponies.

"Yes. Yes I do" Luna said, as she also waved cheerfully at the ponies.

"That's my freind, Griddle from ponyvile, he must have dreamed that he got married and had foals of his own and since I'm a close freind of the family he must have dreamed that I'd be playing in the field with the children."

"But how are the dreams connected?" Luna asked as they walked towards Celestias dream.

"Yeah about that, See the big guy taking your sister to pound town?"

"Hah ha! Pound town that's rather clever" Luna giggled as she hoofbumped the charming stranger.

"Yeah I think that's supposed to be me" the man said, sounding rather ashamed.

Maybe the initial embarrassment had worn off, Because suddenly watching Celestia dream about her being in the room watching, as her sister was railed like a common whorse, didn't seem so bad now that Luna wasn't alone.
"Don't be so down, Look I'm here too" Luna said pointing at her giant self in an attempt to cheer him up.

"Not shure how I feel about the paddle, But you look good in a corset."

"Actually it's a bodice" Luna corrected.

"Either way since I'm in both dreams at the same time I think I might be the glue sticking them together" The man hypothesized.

Luna smiled to herself, Even though as far as she could remember this had never happened before she was certain that the man wasn't "gluing" the dreams together.

As the two of them sat and talked for a while, Luna found that she genuinely enjoyed spending time with the charming stranger. But unfortunately It wasn't long before both dreams faded away as their respective dreamers woke from their slumber.

"So do I just disappear now?" The charming stranger asked as he stood up and held his arms out from his side's in a silly T shaped gesture.

"No don't leave yet I still don't know your name" Luna pleaded

The man let out a long sigh, "Only if you promise not to tease" the man replied. "Ignatius C. Weiner."

Luna cautiously raised a hoof like a little filly still in school who was uncertain about the question she was about to ask.

Ignatius braced himself for what he thought was certainly about to be an icy Weener joke.

"May we call you Iggy for short?" Luna asked.

A look of shock washed over Ignatius's face as his life flashed before his eyes, in all of his twenty seven years, No one had ever given him a nickname before.

"Yeah I think I'd like that very much" Ignatius said with a smile.
"Wow I think I've been chasing the wrong Princess this whole time" Ignatius said as he held a hand out to Princess Luna.

"You are the assassin?" Luna hissed as she shoved him roughly to the floor.
Luna's rage overcame her as she recalled how this man ripped out her heart and stepped on it. Rearing up on her hind legs, Light began to gather at the tip of Lunas horn and as she came crashing back down, she blasted the man from the dreamscape with a magical beam that was powerful enough to destroy a small planet.

As the pile of dust that was once the man named Ignatius, blew away on an almost non existent ethereal wind. Tears flowed freely from Lunas eyes as she wept alone in the quiet of a near empty dreamscape.

Hughbert Jellius sat bolt upright in his bed drenched in a cold sweat."How could such a beautiful dream possibly turn into such a nightmare?" He asked himself.
He decided it was probably best if he didn't put pickled jalapenos on his icecream anymore, just to be safe.

Little miss blue sky

Princess Celestia raised her hooves high above her head as she stretched having awoke from her slumber feeling cheerful and refreshed. She recalled having dreamed about something pleasant, But she couldn't quite remember what exactly it was. She vaguely remembered Luna was there but she couldn't be sure. No matter, she would be sure to give her sister an especially warm hug the next time she saw her anyway.

Hopping out of bed Celestia checked the clock on her bed side table. She should have raised the sun three minutes ago. What are they going to do fire me? She thought to herself as she made her way to her tiny bathroom.

Gently pushing the door shut with a hoof Celestia sat on her porcelain throne and...well you get the idea. Seriously I'm not going to explain it to you.

Celestia washed her hooves in her tiny sink before she joyfully made her way to her balcony with just a little more bounce in her step than usual. Today was going to be an especially good day, she could feel it all the way down to her tippy hooves.

She was just stepping out onto the balcony when out of no where she was slapped on the backside! In Celestias surprise, A billion years worth of pony survival instincts kicked in as she lashed out with both hind legs delivering a powerful kick to her mysterious assailant.

Celestia spun around to catch a glimps of her attacker but it was too dark she hadn't raised the sun yet! Arcane symbols scorched a dark ring on the floor as Celestia used her magic to raise the sun in a panic, The sun was much to close for this time of year, It wasn't in the right place for this hour of the day, and she had raised it much to fast, But she could fix all that later right now she neaded light!

Behind her was a crumpled mess of a man gasping for breath. Celestia was about to call for help until she remembered that she could help! After crashing into that man during "The Day Court Incident" Celestia had been taking first aid courses. Everypony laughed and said she was a princess she would never need to know fist aid. Who's laughing now, she thought to herself.

Ok the victim seams to be having trouble breathing what do you do Celestia?
:First remove any restrictive clothing then check the airway for obstructions!

A cloak was tied tightly around the man's neck. Celestia's heart raced as she used her hooves to fumble with the knot but it was useless she just didn't have the dexterity required to untie a knot, if only she had something sharp and pointy she could use to work the knot free. Her fork! She could use her fork to work the knot loose!
The man grabbed her hooves and tried to push her away as she grabbed the fork with her magic and finaly pried the pesky knot loose.

The man struggled to break free of Celestias grasp. Oh no he must be panicking think Celestia think.
:Always keep the victim calm and comfortable, Any victim that panics could potentially harm themselves!
The bed! I can put him on the bed! Yeah you got this Tia.

Princess Celestia lifted the man with her magic but It was difficult to keep him steady with all his squirming. The wriggling man drifted to the side in her magical grasp and she accidentally knocked over a vase that shattered into a thousand pieces as it crashed to the floor.
Celestia nearly dropped the injured man as she pulled him away from the broken vase.
"Thump!" Celestia cringed as the strugling man's head impacted the wall on the other side of the small room.

Well at least he isn't panicking anymore and now I get to practice treating head wounds so win win! she thought to herself just before accidentally dropping the unconscious man as she mentaly hoof bumped herself.

Celestia finally managed to get the limp form of the unconscious man into her bed and Peeled the thin cloth mask from the man's lower face. She couldn't imagine why he would wear such a thing as he was far from ugly. In fact Celestia found his rougish good looks rather appealing.

Rolling the man over Celestia found a small cut on the back of his head which she disinfected and bandaged.Hmm I'll need ice to reduce the swelling she thought to herself.

Checking the man's heart rate Celestia became worried, sixty four beats per minute seemed much to high. Perhaps humans had higher heart rates than ponies?

"Knock! Knock! Knock!"

Princess Celestia was startled by the loud knocking at her door. "Just a moment" she called out.

"Princess there's been an intruder in the castle are you unharmed?"

"Rest assured my little pony, I am quite safe. Have you found the intruder yet?" Celestia asked opening the door just far enough to make eye contact but not far enough to allow the guard to see into her room.

"Um... no Princess the intruder eludes us at the moment. We have reason to believe you are his target. Therefore I humbly request to search your room." the guard askes uncertanly.

"Only if you want to spend the rest of eternity wandering the barren landscape of the moon." Celestia replied staring blankly at the guard. "You know it's absolutely forbidden for a guard to enter a Princesses personal quarters. Who knows what kind of lecherous thoughts you might get searching through my most personal things. Rummaging through my panty drawer searching for some non existent intruder."

The guard blushed at the thought of Princess Celestia wearing panties. "I...um...no...that wasn't...um...sorry your majesty." The guard stammered. "Be sure to alert the guard if you see any thing suspicious your majesty."

"Of course" Celestia said with a soft smile. "Oh could you have a maid bring up some ice please?"

"Certainly your majesty" the guard replied as he galloped down the hallway eager to escape the source of his embarrassment.

It wasn't long before a maid arrived with Celestia's ice. "Umm... your majesty you might want to fix that..." The maid meekly suggested pointing a hoof at the sun.

"Woops." Celestia said with a blush as she placed the sun in the proper position.

The maid stared at the man sleeping in Princess Celestia's bed as she swept up the broken pieces of the shattered vase. "Wow who knew Mistress liked to play so rough? Poor guy must be exhausted." The maid said rather demurely.

"What! No! It isn't what it looks like!" Celestia exclaimed her cheeks blushing a deep shade of crimson as she tried to explain to the maid that they didn't... you know...do that!

"Mistress has no need to explain herself to a humble maid. You are a healthy mare with healthy needs after all." The maid said clearly poking fun at the Princess at this point.

Princess Celestia let out a long sigh once her embarrasspent passed, "Sometimes I just don't know what to do Brandy." She said using her head maids given name. "I can't protect him while I perform my duties and I can't just hand him over to the lunar guards they'd tear him apart."

"Perhaps Raven Inkwell might advise you?" Brandywine suggested.

"No I don't think Raven could handle this. Don't get me wrong she's probably better suited to be princess than me but she's a bureaucrat through and through. She'd probably shake him awake and insist that he fill out the appropriate paper work before sending him to the dungeon."

"If the mistress wishes I could watch over him in the servants quarters. My maids will see that no harm comes to him." Brandywine suggested with a demure smile.

A wave of jealousy washed over Celestia as she thought about leaving the man alone with all of her flirtatious little maids in there stockings and dresses with their feather dusters. Over my dead body! she thought to herself.

"Thank You but that won't be necessary Brandy." Celestia said stepping into her golden horseshoes.
"I think I know just what to do now."

Welcome to the dungeon please enjoy your stay

You awaken abruptly, after a very angry Princess Luna blasted you from the dream realm.
You couldn't deny that you had feelings for the spunky blue alicorn, too bad she clearly didn't feel the same way about you.

Looking around the room you remember why you where here in the first place. You must have fallen asleep waiting for Princess Celestia to wake up. Checking a clock on Celestias bed side table you breath a sigh of relief, Despite the fact that you and Princess Luna sat and talked for what you thought must have been an hour, only a few minutes had actually passed. The sun should have risen five or six minutes ago, but looking around Princess Celestia was nowhere to be found.

She must be about to raise the sun, you thought to yourself as you rushed towards the balcony.
Princess Luna's letter said that you had till sunrise, so as long as you got to Princess Celestia first there was still time to complete the contract.

You skid to a halt as you hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Princess Celestia emerges from a door that you hadn't noticed before,
And Architecturaly speaking shouldn't even exist.... If the tower is round... Which it is... Then technically the door should lead nowhere. Shaking your head you decide not to think to hard about it. It was probably magic anyway. Yeah.... Magic.

Princess Celestia does a cute little dance as she heads out onto the balcony to raise the sun. She must not have noticed you standing behind her. To get her attention you gently tap on her croup, and she lashes out with both hind hooves catching you square in the chest, the force of the impact lifting you from your feet and knocking the wind from your lungs.

As you soared though the air you find yourself asking, Where did it all go wrong? then it hit you as your body impacted with the cold marble floor below, somewhere along the course of the night you must have convinced yourself that you were a white knight storming a dark tower to rescue a princess, Instead of the cold blooded assassin you were trained to be.

As you lay on the hard floor clutching your chest and gasping for breath, Princess Celestia stood over your defenseless body with a cold fire burning in her eyes.
She wrapped her hooves around your neck to strangle the remaining life from your body.

Who knew Princess Celestia could be so cold hearted?

Wrapping your hands around her fetlocks you try to pry her hooves from around your throat but she was just to strong.
In response to your resistance Celestia used her magic to pick up a fork to stab you in the throat, but luck was on your side as said four pronged projectile became lodged harmlessly in your cloak string. Princess Celestia struggled to retrieve her makeshift dagger so that she could end your life.

You visibly wince as the princess smirks having just thought of a clever way to finish you off.

Your enveloped in a golden glow as Princess Celestia lifts you from the ground with her magic. You try in vain to escape Celestias magical grasp before she can throw you over the balcony rail and watch you explode across the ground like a human water balloon.

You shudder at that terrifying thought and redouble your efforts to escape.

You sway uncontrolably in Celestia's magical grip knocking over a vase. Princess Celestia nearly dropped you before slamming you into the wall, your vision flashed white before everything went black.

Guess she must have realy liked that vase you broke.

Several hours later you wake up in a cool dark room with your aching head wrapped tightly in a bandage and two hoof shaped bruises on your chest. Every breath you take causes a sharp pain in your chest. The Princess must have cracked a few ribs with that kick of her's, no big, deal you've lived through worse.

"Looks like your finally awake" said a masculine voice.

Looking around you notice two guards standing outside of your cell, not the lunar guards you tangled with last night, These ponies wore the gleaming golden armour of Princess Celestias day guards.
"Water?" you try asking for a drink of water but your mouth is so dry it came out as a wisper.

One of the guards holds out an empty glass and a pitcher full of cold water.

"Thanks" you reply dryly as you take the pitcher of water and ignore the glass. Cold refreshing water splashes onto your sore chest as you drink greedily from the pitcher, wetting your cracked lips and quenching your thirst.

"So I hear you gave the lunar guard quite a hard time last night" said one of your guards, grining ear to ear.

"Yeah well I'm in the dungeon now" You coldly reply.
You've never been in a dungeon before but you always imagined it would stink of death and sewage. As dungeons go this one seemed rather nice. But the discomfort of your full blader soon became impossible to ignore. There was a wooden bucket in the corner, And it didn't take a genius to figure out why.

You gave a sigh of relief as you pee into the bucket. How often do they empty the bucket? Once a day? Could you request a bigger bucket? When is meal time? How the hell am i going to escape? you wondered to yourself.

When you turn around both guards are staring at you in shock and disgust.

"What?" You ask.

"The toilet is just down the hall" Said one of your guards, swinging open your unlocked cell door.

"What are we gonna tell the poor maid that forgot her mop bucket?" The other guard asked.

Now you felt realy bad. You deserve to be in the dungeon for crimes against buckets.
"Maybe we could just get rid of the bucket and she never has to find out?" You suggest.

Both guards agree that would probably be for the best.

Hours passed as you talked with your guards, Iron Head and Razors Edge.
Turns out Iron Head is a fourth generation guard his sire, grandsire and greatgrandsire were all guards. And Razors Edge was a first genaration guard his parents were both Pegasai You couldn't imagine their surprise when he was born an earth pony.
You found out that they were under orders from Princess Celestia to protect you. And it was Celestia herself that bandaged your head.

They seemed like nice ponies, so for entertainment purposes you dramatically reenacted your duel with Silver Flourish.

The three of you jumped in surprise as Princess Celestia enthusiastically clapped her hooves together when you story came to an end.

"Sorry Princess we didn't see you come in" Said both guards snapping to attention.

"If I might have a moment alone with our guest" Said Princess Celestia insinuating that they should wait outside.

"Of course your majesty" they both said in unison as they hurried towards the door.

"Oh and guards" Celestia says stopping them and whispering in there ears "we are to be undisturbed let no one in until I leave. No matter what you might hear, no matter how indecent it might sound DONT! OPEN! THIS! DOOR! Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

"Yes your majesty" they reply snapping her a salute and hurrying out the door.

Once the guards were outside Princess Celestia turned to you and bowed low to the ground her regal face almost touching the floor.
"I extend my humblest apology. It seems I've caused you no small amount of pain and discomfort in our brief interactions. I am the one to blame for the injurys you sustained both last night and during "The Day Court Incident". If there is anything at all that I can do to make things right between us please don't hesitate to ask."

"Well now that you mention it...there is one thing, You say to the Princess. If it's not too much to ask. And I apologize if this seems a bit rude but...could you tell me more about luna?"

"I hope you realise just what it is your asking for, To use a Princesses body to sate your carnal desires-Wait... what did you say?" Princess Celestia asked in surprise, having assumed (and secretly hoped) that you were about to request something lewd.

"I asked if you could tell me about Princess Luna. Why what did you think-" you began to ask.

"Nothing" Celestia interrupted, winking suggestivly. "Why the sudden interest in Princess Luna? Princess Celestia asked. "Wait a minute... you didn't say princess..."

You just stand there, blushing and idly rubbing the back of your head, suddenly feeling rather foolish for making such a request.

"Oh so you and Lulu... wait a minute..." Ceslestia paused for a moment, carefully considering exactly what it was that you were implying. "You and Lulu! SQUEEEEEEE!!!" Celestia trotted in place no longer able to contain her excitement. "My little sister has a special somepony! ohmygosh!ohmygosh!ohmygosh! Tell me every thing!" Celestia exclaimed smooshing your cheeks together with her hooves.

"SQUEEEEEEE!!! Ohmygosh!ohmygosh!ohmygosh!"

"Hey Iron, did you just not hear what I just didn't hear?"

"No Razor, I most certainly did not hear what it was that you also didn't hear."

"Good, because I was hoping you didn't hear what it was that I didn't hear."

"Hey Razor, think it would be okay to guard this door from a little farther down the hall?"

"Yeah lets do that."

Author's Note

I have a bad habit of telling the same story twice from very different veiw points.

Satin shadows

You are a light sleeper, a trait that you were always thankfull for, as it made it difficult for anything to creep up on you while you were sleeping. But now you were wide awake, and somepony is in your room.

Ok it wasn't so much your room, as it was the room you were currently staying in. Princess Celestia insisted that you stay at the palace, at least until your memories returned.

You still remember everything that happened that night, but when Celestia asked you about what happened between you and Luna, you just couldn't bring yourself to tell her that you practically molested her little sister, and then spied on her sex dream. So instead you did what any other sane person would do under these circumstances, pretended to have amnesia. You were pretty sure she knew that you were lying, but she seemed to be playing along anyway.

The sky was clear and the stars were twinkling brightly, but despite it's many windows, the room was dark. much too dark for this hour of the night, were was the moon? By now the world should be bathed in its gentle glow, it's silvery light comforting all sleaping creatures, and reassuring them that they haven't been forsaken to wander in darkness.

You lie there motionless in your bed, staring into the dark, as one green cat like eye stared right back at you.

"Hello...?" You say aloud, more of a question than a greeting realy.

There is no reply, only silence.

Fear begins to creep up on you, and you begin to imagine all sorts of terrors lurking in the darkness.
You can't help but laugh a little at yourself, you haven't been afraid of the dark since you were a small boy. Surely your mind was playing tricks on you and the "eye" was nothing more than a reflection, a bit of something shiny, or maybe just the glow of some residual magic. You decide to investigate. Casting off your blanket you stand up, slowly the eye's gaze drifts lower across your chest and stomach stopping below your waist, starring at your crotch. Modestly you cover yourself with both hands and sit back down, suddenly embaresed about sleeping naked, and no longer of the belief that the "eye" was a figment of your imagination.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, you continue to stare at the eye.

The eye continues to stare back at you.

"Alright I've had my fun" says a feminine voice from the darkness.
A match is struck, and you can now see the face that belongs to the "eye". Eyes typicaly came in pairs. Now you know why there was only one. A deep scar ran across her face, her dark berry colored mane covered most of it but you could still see that her right eye and part of her cheek is covered by a patch of leather. Somehow despite her missing eye and scared face she still seemed to possess some sort of otherworldly beauty.

"Ouch! dammit!" She cried out. While trying to light a gaslamp the match had burned down and singed her hoof.

"Here, allow me" you say standing up and lighting the gaslamp for her. Once the wick was lit, you turned the knob on the side of the lamp to adjust the flame, bathing the room in a warm glow.

She was looking at your crotch again. Instinctively you cover yourself with your hands, and she raises the small arbalest that she was currently holding to point at your chest. You raise your hands above your head in a gesture of surrender. She blushes a little and her gaze drifts down to your crotch again. You decide it was probably best to cover yourself again, slowly this time.

"Pants, top drawer, put em on, NOW!" She says pointing her deadly projectile weapon at the wardrobe and then back at you, still blushing a little bit.

You open the drawer and sure enough all of your clothes were there, washed and neatly folded, the maids must have done it while you were bathing.

Her watchfull gaze never leaves your body as you hurriedly get dressed. Even when your toes get caught inside of your pants leg and you tumble backwards she never looks away. Normaly you'd be a little more concerned about someone pointing an armour piercing weapon at you, but ponies were normally peacefull creatures so you weren't that worried about it.

Once you are fully clothed, You kneel before your tiny detainer and say, "we haven't been formally introduced yet, my name is Ignatius" you say extending a hand.

"Nuh uh, not happening, don't think I didn't see what you did to my marefriend" she replies, looking you in the eyes, and tightening her grip on her small arbalest.

You pull your hand back and stare at it, as if to ask it, what have you done this time? Damn thing seemed to have a mind of its own sometimes.

Just being polite clearly wasn't going to get you anywhere.

The pony pointed her weapon at the door and said "outside, now!"

The pushy pony was beginning to annoy you so you decided to do something about it.

You step towards the door and reach a hand out to open it like she commanded, she was standing a little to close, clearly having misjudged your reach. So instead of opening the door you spin on your toes and kick the arbalest from her hooves. The bolt whizzed past your head and impacted with the doorframe behind you before it magically exploded with a loud "kaboom!" as it showered you with debris.

As you pick yourself up off of the floor, the pony just stares at the shattered door and ruined doorframe with wide ~~eyes~~ eye, and says "Brandy is going to kill me"

You try to tackle the pesky pony, but she's fast and takes to the air on her leathery batwings. Landing on your back she wraps a foreleg around your neck in a chokehold, and begins repeatedly punching you in the face with her boney hoof.

"I, Gave, You, An, Order, Punk" she barks between punches. When she finaly stops hitting you, she lets your bruised face fall to the floor. Climbing off of you, she walks across the room to retrieve and reload her discarded weapon.

Laying face down on the floor you smile, ouch don't smile, hopefully the sound of that explosion will attract the attention of the guards and they will save you from this crazy pony. In fact you think you can hear the sound of their rapidly approaching hoofsteps already.

"What the meaning of-Oh Captain Shadow....do you require any assistance ma'am?" The leader of the four guards that just arrived asked.

You raise your head slightly off the floor and let it fall back down gently, ow, you were pretty much doomed at this point.

"Carry on, I can handle this soggy turd on my own" she replied giving you a firm kick in the ribs.

As the guards hurried back to their posts, Brandy Wine and a few maids arrived.

Maybe Brandy Wine could save you?

Brandy Wine didn't even look at your prone body as she gave her maid's orders. "Snowy and Maragold you two start cleaning up this mess, Summer Breeze you fetch the carpenter, and no running this time! Feather Duster you have the most experience cleaning up blood stains, so you get on that..." Brandy Wine said pointing a hoof at the puddle of blood that was still flowing uncontrollably from your broken nose.

Nope, Brandy wasn't going to save you.

"Oui" was Feather Duster's only reply as she painfully stepped on your body on her way past.

You seriously owed her an apology after all this was over.

"And you Candy Floss" Brandy pointed at the last remaining maid, "Since you can't find your missing mop bucket you can go fetch this poor idiot a physician" she said pointing at you.

"EEEP! right away ma'am" the maid said as she scurried away.

"And you Satin my love" Brandy said stepping over your body.

You scratched your head, figuratively, not actually. Truth be told you were still too scared to move as Captain Shadow had that exploding arrow pointed right at your poop deck. The maids and the guards had already left, who the hell was Brandy Wine talking to? You hadn't noticed anypony else in the room.

Captain Shadow fumbled the arbalest and hid it behind her back. It went off, fireing a bolt through the widow, breaking the glass, and exploding in the night sky like a dazzling firework.

"I love you more than the sun and the moon and all the stars in the night sky, I love you more than the four seasons, and time itself, hell I even love you more than I love chocolate, and you know how much I love chocolate." Brandy said affectionately rubbing against Captain Shadow.

"Brandy I'm sorry, I didn't mean for" Captain Shadow starts to say, blushing and looking down at the floor.

"Tsk tsk tsk" Brandy interrupts giving her marefriend a gentle peck on the lips. "You know i love you Satin Shadow, but you know how upset I get when you wreck my castle." Brandy says, sitting on her haunches and holding Satin Shadows cheeks in her hooves.

Somehow, Satin Shadows blush deepens to an even brighter shade of crimson

You wish that you had a mouth full of any kind of liquid so that you could do a spit take, but you didn't, so instead you slowly raise your hand and give them a thumbs up of approval. They realy do make a cute couple.

With a "pomf!" Satin Shadow's leathery batwings flapped up, as Brandy Wine gave the captain a deep, passionate, kiss on the lips. Breaking off their kiss, Brandy Wine gently nibbles on Satins ear before letting her marefriend slump to the floor, as the pupil of the captain's eye takes on the shape of a heart.

Brandy Wine walkes over to your body and whispers in your ear "I told you not to buck this up, your ass belongs to Satin now."

Scar tissue

Earlier that night, Celestia was becoming concerned, she still hadn't seen her sister all day.

It wasn't that uncommon for Luna to sleep through the day, especially after a particularly busy night. But still....Luna had missed breakfast, and they almost always had breakfast together, It was one of the few times that their busy schedules overlapped. Luna eating breakfast before going to bed, and Celestia enjoying her sisters company before starting her busy day. Celestia had waited for her sister at the breakfast table for over an hour, but when Luna didn't come to breakfast Celestia simply assumed that Luna must be exhausted after last nights excitement and had simply gone to bed without eating.

After meeting in the dungeon with the assassin that Luna had hired, Celestia had discovered that the man had an ulterior motive for sneaking into the castle, namely a certain blue alicorn princess. Celestia asked what happened between the two of them and the man visibly winced and claimed that the injury to his head had given him amnesia. Well played assassin, Celestia thought to herself, certain that there was something that he wasn't telling her. No matter, she would simply ask Luna later.

Dinner had come, and gone, but there was still no sign of Luna. Celestia was beginning to wonder if she had done something to anger or otherwise upset her sister. It was time to investagate. Celestia asked the kitchen staff, Luna hadn't eaten any thing all day. And she asked the guards, now Celestia was realy worried, apparently Luna hadn't even left her room all day.

Something was terribly wrong and Celestia raced towards Lunas tower to find her sister.

Satin Shadow shoved you roughly down the corridor, she still hadn't told you where you were going. And technically you hadn't asked, but somehow you got the feeling that asking stupid questions was a good way to earn another beating.

Maybe if you broke the ice first?

"So... you and Brandy make a nice couple" you say to Satin Shadow, in an attempt to start a friendly conversation.

"You keep your filthy hands off of Brandy" she says giving you an especially rough push.

Luckily Brandy had confiscated her arbalest and exploding arrows, otherwise you might be a red splotch on the wall by now.

"No realy, you two are cute together" you say, as you continue to walk down the hall.

Suddenly, Satin Shadow stopped. Looking over your shoulder, you could see that she was blushing again.

"You...You realy think so?" She asked, sitting on her haunches and poking her hooves together in front of her face, her blush intensifying.

"So how did you two lovely mares meet, anyway?" You ask.

Satin Shadow's mood suddenly sours at this, and she pushes you down the hall way again. Apparently that was a touchy subject. You decide its probably not a good idea to ask any more questions for awhile.

The two of you walk in silence for a few moments before Satin Shadow speaks again. "You do know that I'm not a real pony right?" She askes you.

"You shure seem pretty real to me" you reply. Bringing a hand up to your face and touching your still very tender nose.

"Oh I'm real alright....I'm just not a pony" she says, sounding rather distant and sad.

You just raise an eyebrow and quietly wait for her to continue.

"I'm realy just a Nightmare given flesh....maybe I was a pony once, and just twisted into a horrible abomination, or maybe I was simply created, just willed into existence by dark magics.... I don't realy know."she said, tears forming in her eye.

Oh no, she was going to cry, you couldn't let that happen, you hated it when they cried it always got you right in the "feels". You were kind of soft that way. "Sure, you ripped my butt off and handed it back to me, but that doesn't make you a nightmare" you tell her, hopeing to lighten the mood a little bit.

She doesn't cry, but she doesn't smile either. "I have razor sharp fangs and I can see in the dark, Even my wings are scary" she says, giving her leathery bat wings a flap.

You realy wanted to pick her up, just give her a hug and tell her every thing was going to be ok. But you had the distinct feeling that any physical contact might result in even more unwanted physical contact, namely her hoof colliding with your face, repeatedly.

"I'm over a thousand years old, I still remember fighting with Nightmare Moon against Equestria and its allies...I... I've killed..."she starts to say, beginning to cry.

"Shh... we don't have to talk about that" You say, as You bend down and risk putting a hand on her withers "tell me about you and Brandy Wine instead"

"sniffffff!" she wipes a tear away with her hoof, "Brandy always treated me like a real pony, she was always so nice to me even though I'm...I'm...ugly" a long strand of snot hung down from her nose almost touching the floor.

You reach into your pockets and search for a handkerchief, but sadly you didn't have one. So you instead, reluctantly, you offer her your shirt sleeve.

With a loud “phraaaaaaarrrpp!!!” She blew her nose.

You were pretty sure that was never coming out in the wash.

"One night hic! hic! a Griffin hic! broke into the castle hic! to steal stuff and..and hic! I broke his wings and...set part of the hic! castle on fire" she said, beginning to sob, struggling to speak between her hiccups.

Somehow she had managed to climb up into your arms without you noticing, and you were now gently rubbing her back between her wings while she rested her head on your shoulder.

"But it was an accident I didn't hic! mean to set the castle on fire"...."hic!"..."Everypony said that I was a monster....everypony except Brandy, she was nice to me. That's how we met you know" she said, as she wiped her nose on your shoulder. "Your nice to me too... hic! That's why I'm taking you to the Princess, she's been crying all day."

"What do you mean she's been crying all day?" you ask, holding her at arms length and looking her in the eye.

"you kind of dropped her like a hot potato so you could catch a glimpse of what's under Princess Celestia's tail" she says matter of factly.

"No I didn't" you tell her, gently setting her back down on the floor. "There has been A terrible misunderstanding and I need to set things straight." You say to her as you rush down the hallway in the direction that she was leading you.

You nearly reach the end of the hallway before you realize that Satin Shadow isn't following you anymore. Looking back you see that she's sitting on her haunches again poking the tips of her hooves together and wearing her brightest blush yet.

"If Princess Luna doesn't love you...I could...ask Brandy... maybe you could be our special somepony...I wouldn't mind." she says, almost to quietly for you to hear.

You scoop the blushing ball of fluff up in your arms and continue down the hallway.

You had to admit she was pretty cute for a living nightmare.

Melancholy mechanics

Princess Luna rolled over in her bed. her hooves had become entangled in her bed sheets and her pillow was damp from all the tears that she had cried. Luna flipped her pillow over, hoping that the other side would be drier. Sadly, she found it to be just as damp.

Luna let out a long sad "sigh" as she tossed the damp pillow across her bedroom. It spun through the air and plopped ungracefully onto the floor somewhere near the foot of the bed, scarcely half of it's intended distance, which wasn't very surprising once you consider the pillow's poor ballistic capabilities. Without looking, Luna felt around on the floor with her magic in A half hearted attempt to retrieve the discarded pillow, but she gave up after only a few failed attempts.

It didn't matter anyway. Luna thought to herself, Nothing seems to matter anymore.

It wasn't fair being the little sister. Celestia was always taller, wiser, and prettier than she was. her mane and tail were gorgeous and her fur was perfect. It was no wonder that Ignatius was chasing after Celestia. Luna let out another "sigh" she would have cried again, but she hadn't any tears left to shed.

After letting out another long "sigh" Luna smiled A small smile, Ignatius had said that he might be chasing the wrong Princess, maybe there was hope after all? Luna didn't want her sister to be lonely, and she was more than just A little ashamed to admit it, but she also wouldn't mind if Ignatius would just stop pursuing Celestia and knock on her door instead.

Luna became downcast once more as she remembered that her and Ignatius hadn't exactly parted ways on good terms.
He must hate me after how brashly I acted in the dreamscape. Luna thought to herself, as she once again began to cry.

Knock, Knock, Knock!

Suddenly there was A knock at the door. Luna, surprised by the sudden knocking fell out of bed with A dull "thud" pulling the blankets along with her.

Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock!

Another knocking at the door, this time More insistent. Luna might have answered the door if she wasn't busy struggling to escape her fabric prison of tangled blankets.

By the time that Luna had finally kicked the last of the blankets free of her hooves she was already too late to answer the door. If only she had called out, she might have saved her door handle, which was now glowing red hot as streaks of molten metal trailed down the door leaving charred lines in the wood before rapidly cooling on the marble floor below.

With A thin wisp of smoke wafting from the very tip of her horn, Celestia kicked the door open and rushed into the room, embracing her Little Sister in A tight hug.

"Lulu! I was so worried, you never came to dinner, and the guards said that you haven't even left your room all day" Celestia said, squeezing her Sister A little too tightly.

"I'm fine Tia" Luna said, struggling to escape her Sister's uncomfortablely tight grasp.

"No Luna you are not 'fine', now tell Big Sister what's troubling you." Celestia said, loosening her grip on Luna and looking her in the eyes.

"Tia?"

"Yes Lulu?"

"Did you just melt my door handle?"

"Ha ha... Yeah... Sorry about that... When I knocked and you didn't answer, I may have panicked just A teensy bit." Celestia bashfully replied.

"It wasn't even locked" Luna deadpanned.

"Enough about that, tell me, what's really bothering you" Celestia insisted, wrapping Luna in another hug.

Luna began crying into her Sister's shoulder, "I'm so sorry Sister, I know it's wrong, but I want him to want me! Does that make me A bad pony?" Luna asked her Sister as she continued to cry, her tears leaving A damp trail down her cheeks.

"Dear sweet sister Luna... I have no idea who your talking about, your going to have to explain to me what's going on."

"Ignatius"

"Who?" Celestia asked.

"The assassin, Tia" Luna explained.

"Oh! We met earlier today, he seemed nice." Celestia said, smiling to herself because she knew something that her Sister Luna didn't know.

"Tia, he came here to be with you!"

"Don't be absurd Lulu. I don't even know him that well, we've only ever met twice. Besides, he seemed rather interested in you when we met this afternoon. Have you discussed your feelings with him?" Celestia asked.

"Well...no not exactly" Luna told her Sister.

"It isn't really that late." Said Celestia stretching and stifling a yawn."He seemed like A night person anyway, I'm sure that he's still awake. We should go and see him."

"Tia we can't just go and ask to see someone this late at night"

"Of course we can Lulu. Don't forget we're Princesses, technically we can do whatever we want. Celestia said with a smug smile.

"But...but...look at me Tia, I'm A mess." Luna said, looking at her reflection of the mirror, her mane was frazzled and her eyes were red and puffy from crying.

"You don't realize how beautiful you really are Luna" Celestia said to her Sister. "Now pass me your brush and we'll do something about that bed head."

Celestia hummed A little tune to herself as she brushed her Sister's hair.

Celestia worried about her Sister sometimes. looking around Luna's room it seemed more like A workshop or A laboratory than an actual bedroom. Sextants, telescopes, magnetic compasses, and other navagational instruments that Celestia couldn't even begin to describe littered every available surface. Deep alcove's in the walls contained strange mechanisms filled with whirling silver clockwork, their purpose Celestia could only guess, probably had something to do with keeping all of the stars in their proper places. Celestia shrugged it off, she didn't have to understand her Sister's taste in interior decorating in order to love her, maybe it was just one of the things that made Luna so endearing.

Still, Celestia scanned her Sister's room for anything that they could talk about. Eventually her eyes settled on a very ugly dress in the corner.
"Is that a new dress Luna? It's very...lovely." Celestia found it difficult to say lovely, personally she found the dress to be quite repulsive, but that was no reason to rudely disrespect her Sisters taste in fashion.

"Eww Tia, you actually like it?" Luna asked, raising an eyebrow and smirking at her Sister. "It's hideous. I didn't go into detail when the dress maker asked me what I wanted it to look like. I can only hope that she made it as ugly as possible to try and teach me some kind of lesson. I don't imagine she would have become so successful in her industry if she actually belived that that!-" Luna pointed A hoof accusingly at the dress as if to sentince it for some heinous imaginary crime,-"would ever look good on me!

Both princesses gigled a little at luna's antics.

"Seems like the sort of thing a madpony would wear while they tried to take over Equestria" Celestia joked.

Celestia lifted the poniequin that was wearing the Ugly dress with her magic and held it menacingly over her Sister. "Now that the royal sisters have been defeated I shall rule over all of Equestria, muha ha ha!" Celestia said in her very best villain voice as Luna cowered in mock terror beneath the poniequin.

It was then that Ignatius burst through the door and leapt over Luna's bed and tackled the poniequin to the floor before springing to his feet and tumbling backwards over the balcony railing and disappearing into the darkness below.

Author's Note

writing for a sad character is realy challenging for me. It was hard not cracking a joke or two every paragraph. Ok so a few jokes might have been slipped in but I don't think they ruined the somber tone I set for the first part of this chapter.

Troubled minds, troubled hearts

You and Satin Shadow continue through the dark corridors, as Satin leads you to Princess Lunas tower. The two of you had A long walk ahead of you before reaching your destination, since the guests quarters are on the lower levels of the palace and the Princesses lived in the highest towers.

You had suggested using the dumbwaiter in order to save time and shave some of the distance off of your route, but Satin refused because it would be undignifing, she is the Captain of the Lunar Guards after all, that and she wasn't fond of enclosed spaces.

You couldn't help but notice just how many guards were guarding the palace, as you and Satin made your way up a staircase. If you hadn't had help from Silver Flourish and Brandy Wine you never would have made it as far as you did.

That reminded you of something that Satin had said earlier. "Satin when we first met you said 'don't think I didn't see what you did to my Marefriend' I'm going to assume you meant kissing her hoof, were you hiding in the room the whole time? You ask.

"Don't be stupid, of course I was. I would never leave my beloved Brandy alone and unguarded in a room with anyone pretending to be an assassin or otherwise claming to be dangerous in any way." Satin said, feeling rather insulated. "I'm surprised you didn't notice me perched on top of the wardrobe, Brandy looked right at me when you kissed her hoof."

You turn to Satin and hold your hands out defensively in front of you, "you know I wasn't putting the moves on Brandy right? I was just being polite, I promise!" You blurted out apologetically, halfway expecting some form of retribution.

"Don't flatter yourself, you don't stand a chance with a classy mare like Brandy. Hell, I still don't know what she sees in me." Satin noted.

Both of you were silent for a few moments, you had a lot to reflect on, and it seemed that Satin was doing some reflecting of her own.

The two of you continue your journey through the palace in silence, the only ponies that you encounter at this late hour are lunar guards who are quick to snap a salute to their Captain.

"Satin... You're the Captain of the Lunar Guards why didn't you stop me?" You finally ask her after A few minutes, breaking the awkward silence.

"It's... complicated" Satin answers.

"Was it because Brandy asked you not to?" You ask.

"No...well she did ask me not to interfere...but that's not the only reson why I didn't stop you." Satin finally replied.

"so are you going to tell me or am I going to have to tickle it out of you!" You say with A big stupid grin while wiggling your fingers maniacally.

Probably not your best idea, because in an instant Satin had swept your feet out from under you and twisted one of your arms painfully behind your back, pining your face to the floor.

"Hands to yourself" she growled through gritted teeth as she forced your arm to bend painfully backwards. Once Satin thought that you had learned your lesson she hopped off your back and continued down the dark hallway. Dusting yourself off you hurry after her in order to catch up.

After another long silence Satin finally speaks, "It was Princess Celestia that eventually found me and brought me on as A lunar guard. I think that Celestia intended for Luna and I to become friends since we're both more active at night, but it just never worked out. Princess Luna and I make eachother... Uncomfortable..."

Satin became quiet once more and you could tell that she was having a hard time talking to you about this.

"It's not that Luna and I dislike eachother or anything, we just remind eachother of the darkest time in our lives. I think that Princess Celestia meant well. Just because things didn't work out between me and Luna doesn't mean that she should be alone. It's probably a good thing that you screwed everything up."

"What do you mean 'I screwed everything up' ?" you ask.

"It took Brandy month's to set you up with Princess Celestia, then you and Luna threw a big ol' monkey wrench in all her plans. The only reason Brandy even picked you is because your tall and not entirely ugly, I guess Brandy has to start over and find someone else for Princess Celestia." Satin explained.

"And don't forget, if Luna doesn't want you sticking around I... I mean Brandy and I got first dibs." Satin joked, at least you think she joked...Probably.

You and Satin crossed the grand ballroom where you and Lunas playful altercation unfolded the night before. Satin stoped at the base of the stairs, "You're not coming with me?" You ask Satin, somewhat disappointed that your little journey was already over.

"Nah, guards never patrol up there and I'm pretty sure you can find your way on your own. Besides, Brandy is probably waiting up for me, I haven't been punished for blowing up that doorframe yet." Satin says, blinking at you...or maybe that was a wink? It's hard to tell with only one eye.

"Brandy isn't realy going to punish you for something that happened during a fight is she?" You ask.

"You can bet your boot's she is"

"Oh...sorry" you apologize empathetically.

"Don't be, I'm a masochist. I'm getting wet just thinking about it!" Satin said before opening a window, giving you a salute, winking (you were certain it was a wink this time) and flying out of the window and into the darkness."good luck!" you hear her say from somewhere far below.

You wave farewell to Satin, uncertain whether or not she could see you considering how dark It is, you'd like to imagine that she saw you and waved back. Gently, you close the window and start up the stairs. There weren't any guards chasing you this time so you had half a moment to admire the sturdy craftsmanship of the heavy oak door at the top of the stairs, if you were interested in that sort of thing, which you weren't so you passed it by without a second thought. Sorry door maybe next time.

Turning Left you hurry down the dimly lit hallway that led to Luna's tower. Luna's hallway was decorated much like Celestia's but different at the same time, a stark juxtaposition. In place of polished marble there was rich dark hardwoods like ebony, mohagony, and black walnut. The suits of armour were still present, but in contrast to Celestia's museum quality pieces, Luna's showed signs of use, heavy wear, dents and deep gouges. You couldent help but wonder if every stain on the gambison worn beneath was the blood of some unlucky comrade, fallen foe, or ponies being ponies it could just as easily be chocolate. There were maps but the walls were also occupied by oil paintings, fabulous masterpieces no doubt the work of some ponie-esque Van Gogh or Rembrant that the author of this story is too lazy to think of a horse pun for.

At the end of Luna's hallway/museum there is an archway, no door just an archway, and stepping through you find yourself somehow at the bottom of the tower. Craning your neck you look up towards the top of the tower, you know the tower isn't this tall on the outside, obviously the result of ponies using magic to tamper with physical structure of the universe again. Suspended from the ceiling is A large pendulum swinging back and forth spilling sand onto the floor in an intricate pattern. You can't help but to marvel at the beauty of its design as you cling to the wall while making your way up the extremely narow, railing-less staircase.

Apon finally reaching the top, you were about to knock on Luna's door when you noticed that it was slightly ajar and the handle had been melted? Gently pushing the door open you peer into the dimly lit room.

You see Luna cowering on the floor as somepony in an ugly dress stands over her giving the standard "Villain" speech. You wast no time, and suppressing the urge to scream FRIENDSHIP! at the top of your lungs, you leap over the bed and tackle the pony that is threatening Luna.

Somewhere in the back of your mind you can hear Ludwig Von Beethoofens "ode to joy" playing as you execute the perfect tackle. The lifeless wooden body of the poniequin shatters beneath your weight ripping the world's ugliest dress in the process and you spring gracefully to your feet, elated to have finally have tackled anything without eating dirt this time. Sadly before you could decide whether your victory dance should be "hammer time" or "gangnam style" your foot slips on A small piece of wood from the poniequin and you tumble backwards over the balcony railing.

Somehow luck was on your side once again and you managed to catch yourself on the edge of the balcony.

"A little help... please!" you call out.

Both Princesses rush over to the balcony and reach over to help you up.

"Wait!" you say before they could pull you up. "Ladies... I had A wonderful time these past two nights, and Luna I'd really like to do this again sometime if you'd like... Well not this... But maybe something more conventional, like dinner and A concert or something. But that's only if you want to of course."

"Are you asking me out on A date?" Luna asked as the two sisters gently pulled you up to safety.

"uhh yes" you reply scepticaly, unsure of whether or not that was actually allowed.

"I think that would be wonderful" Luna said wrapping you in A tight hug.

Celestia suddenly feeling like A third wheel turned and started for the door.

"Wait, Princess Celestia!" You call after her. She stops and turns to you. And as you hold out your hand she offers you her hoof, which you awkwardly shake up and down like a total dork. "Thank you... For everything, for bandageing my head, letting me stay at the castle And for everything else you do, not just for me, but for everypony. Your A great ruler Princess and I wanted you to know how much I appreciate that. You've made A lot of friends over the years, and we're gonna make sure you find your special somepony."

For the first time in a very long time Celestia suddenly felt very timid, in fact she didn't know what to say. She did however manage a friendly smile and to say, "Thank you" before leaving Lunas room.

Luna raised the moon, as a very sleepy Celestia made her way down the hallway. It seems that things are starting to get interesting Celestia thought to herself as she yawned into her hoof before climbing into her soft comfy bed and drifting off to sleep.

THE END

Author's Note

Yay I did it! It's finished. Now I can write something else, I've got so many ideas!

If you made it this far leave a comment! Tell me what you liked, tell me what you hated, tell me not to quit my day job, just tell me something! I really want to hear from you.

(Bonus chapter)The prench connection

Feather Duster woke to the sound of whispers. She silently crept out of bed and put an ear to the door. Whomever was on the other side of the door was whispering to somepony else but she couldn't make out what they were saying.

Earlier that day a Royal Guard pony put on a huge display of affection trying to impress her and she turned him down, gently explaining that she already had a special somepony.
If he was back to try again she was going to give him a piece of her mind.

Then she heard a faint clicking noise, somepony was picking her lock!
In a panic she hid behind the door, She was a mare that could take care of herself and she was not going down without a fight.
She grabbed a ceramic wash basin and held it over her head and when the door slowly creaked open and a dark silhouette creapt inside she brought the wash basin down with a loud "Crash!"

Then much to her surprise an even biger silhouette creapt through her door thinking quickly she grabbed the wash basin's matching pitcher and brought it down with a loud "Crash!"

Dragging the huge body the rest of the way inside she quickly relocked her door and jammed a chair under the knob in order to prevent any further intruders.

Rushing to her night stand she lit a candle and brought its light close to her would be assailants in order to discover there identities.

The big one was a man dressed in high boots, tight leather pants and a long cloak, all in dark colors to aid him in sneaking up on defenseless mares who might be traveling at night. He also wore a heavy backpack large enough to carry all of his stolen goods.
Beyond any shadow of a doubt this was a very bad person.

The smaller one was a pony with a light gray coat from what she could tell from the hooves sticking out from under the large man, as he had fallen directly on top of his smaller accomplice.
Then the man began to stir. Feather Duster lifted her night stand above her head and brought it down on the man's back with a loud "Crash!" But the man just shielded his smaller companion with his body. Feather Duster lifted a heavy mohagony wardrobe over her head.

The man scooped up the pony in his arms like it was a foal and scooted backwards into the corner of the tiny room, holding up his hand as if to shield them from further harm.

Feather Duster could finaly see the gray pony's face, it was her beloved Silver Flourish.

"Oh non Qu,est-ce que j'ai fait!" She said in prench.

Author's Note

I didn't even plan this chapter but I was on a roll and it just happened
It only took a few minuets to write anyways
Now all the people that actually speak French can tell me how terrible Google translate is.

Epilogue.

You admired your reflection a full body mirror as you pick a piece of lint from the shoulder of your lunar guard uniform.

There was much controversy on whether or not you actually completed Lunas contract, but either way you felt that it was about time for a career change anyway, and the fact that Luna had admitted that she had a certain fondness for men in uniform might have influenced your decision to join the guard just a teensy bit. You were well suited for the job and quickly rose to the rank of lieutenant in a matter of months.

Today however, you were on leave to attend the wedding of you close friends Griddle and Russet in Ponyville. You were happy that those two finaly got together, and for an opportunity to visit old friends. You often wondered how everyone was getting along in your absence, as you fondly remembered all the good times you had with everyone, Bon Bon, Mayor Mare, Cheeralee and everypony else.

Whoo Whooooot!

The train to Ponyville had arrived at the station. Looking out the window you could see all of your new friends waiting for you on the platform, Silver Flourish and Feather Duster, your Captain Satin Shadow and of course Brandy Wine, even the Princesses were there. Princess Celestia had come to say goodbye to her sister Luna, who would be accompanying you to the wedding as your guest. You see the familiar faces of Iron Head and Razors Edge among Celestias guards as you wave to everypony from the window.

Grabbing your hat and wedding gift, a familiar wooden mop bucket half full of dirt and with a blooming sunflower growing from its center, you check your reflection in the mirror one last time. And as you hurry out the door towards your friends, both new and old, you can't help but to wonder what adventures might tomorrow bring?