Synthesis

by Scampy

Rating: teen
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Equestria Girls, Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Main 7 (EqG), Slice of Life, Wallflower Blush, Death, Sad, Drama, Original Character
Length: 3176

When Wallflower tries to take her own life, Sunset does the only thing she can think of to save her. But now, having seen and inherited every memory and trauma that led to Wallflower's suicide, Sunset isn't sure if she's even the same person anymore.

When Wallflower Blush tries to take her own life, Sunset does the only thing she can think of to save her. By witnessing the entirety of Wallflower’s memories all at once, she hopes that part of her friend may live on within herself.

However, possessing the memories of two lives leaves Sunset doubting her own identity. Now that she's inherited all the same memories and traumas that led to Wallflower's suicide, is she even the same person anymore?

Drawing used in cover is by avirextin.

Based on an idea by shortskirtsandexplosions.

Published 2019-11-13 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-13 23:10:01 UTC

I - Used To Be

Sunset stared at the tiny little phoenix egg, frowning.

Beside her, the proctor raised his hoof, instructing her to stop. He probably expected her to give up. Everypony always expected her to give up. Well, she’d proved them all wrong before a dozen times over, and this would be no different. It was just an egg, after all. She just needed a little more time.

She planted her hooves, the red flares of magic enveloping her horn burning twice as bright. The proctor again told her to stop, but Sunset paid him no mind—she’d learned how to block out the pompous tones of noble ponies long ago. Her magic swirled and twisted, coiling around the gold and crimson egg resting on the pillow before her. If the phoenix refused to be forced into hatching, then she’d coax it out slowly, no matter what the test’s time limit said.

The first squeeze was gentle enough, pressuring along the widest part of the egg. When the chick within failed to respond, Sunset’s determined glare sank into a frown. Did the hatchling think it was too good for her? Was it waiting for some oh-so-special noble unicorn to free it from its shell? Too bad. It had her, and she was enough, no matter what anypony else said. She squeezed the egg again, this time applying the faintest flickers of flame alongside the pressure.

The proctor stood, repeating his order. Noble ponies loved to order her around. She ignored him and continued watching the egg, continuing to massage it up and down and around, her magic heating up with every passing second. He crossed the room, no doubt intending to open the door and force her to leave.

She could barely see the door in her peripherie, but it was enough. Red sparks of magic gripped the handle and burned, melting the brass to the face of the door. The proctor shouted something—no doubt insulting—but she couldn’t think about that now. The egg was all that mattered.

Her efforts reached a fever pitch, and she stumbled the slightest bit. The heat around her horn was almost unbearable, but still she pressed on, continuing to massage the egg. She had to be close. Just a little more, and she would prove, once and for all, that she deserved to be cared about.

Then, within the flares of her own magic, a smoldering scarlet glow emerged. The egg twitched, splintered, and from within the brilliantly shining confines of its interior, something—something beautiful—began to sing, sing, sing, sing—

—Ring! Ring! Ring!

Sunset’s eyes flickered open, the darkness beneath her eyelids being replaced by the darkness of her apartment loft. She blinked, then blinked again, and finally a groan escaped her lips.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

What time was it...? Whenever it was, it was still dark out. Who would be calling her at this hour? Maybe she needed to start muting her phone before going to bed.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Sunset lurched beneath her comforter, rolling over to the bedside table. A glance at her phone revealed a number she didn’t recognize, but against her better judgement, she picked up the phone anyway.

“Nnnnghh... Hello...?”

At first, there was no answer. After a couple seconds of silence, a meek, whimpering voice finally replied, and Sunset recognized it immediately.

“Sunset...?”

“Wallflower?” Sunset squinted at the far-too-bright screen of her phone. “It’s like three in the morning...”

“I... I-I don’t...” Wallflower’s voice hitched. “Please, I n-need... Please...”

“Hey, are you okay?” Sunset sat up in bed. “I can’t understand you. Are you on speaker phone?”

“I need help...”

“What do you mean?” Sunset asked.

“I don’t think I-I can be alone r-right now…”

"Why? What's going on?"

A series of shaky, crackling breaths were the only reply.

“Wallflower?”

“I-I don’t think...” Wallflower inhaled softly. “I don’t think I can stay safe...”

Sunset’s eyes went wide. In an instant, she threw off the covers, along with any hope of sleeping through the night. There were more important things than that right now. “Okay. Listen to me,” she said. “You’re gonna be okay, alright? I promise. Can you tell me where you are?”

“I-I’m at my place, by m-myself,” Wallflower said. Low, shallow breaths lingered between her every word. “The apartment building b-behind the grocery store...”

That wasn’t too far away, Sunset thought. Only a fifteen minute trip—maybe ten if she ran. She slipped on her shoes, threw on a hoodie and opened the door. “Alright, I’m on my way over,” Sunset spoke as slowly and clearly as possible. “Stay on the phone with me, okay? Talk me through what’s going on.”

“It’s... It’s t-too much,” Wallflower whimpered. “Too much...”

Sunset’s grip on her phone tightened as she stepped onto the sidewalk. “Are you safe right now?” she asked.

“... ... ...”

“Wallflower?” Sunset said a little louder. “Are you there?”

The only answer she got was more distant, ragged breaths.

“We’re gonna get you through this, okay?” Sunset’s pace quickened, and she fought against the trembling of her own voice. “Just don’t—”

Click.

Sunset’s run broke into a full-on sprint.

When Sunset at last turned the corner, she was greeted by a sight that was as relieving as it was terrifying. “Wallflower!” she cried out. “O-oh, thank Goddess you’re still okay!”

Wallflower sat in the open window of what Sunset could only assume was her apartment, five stories off the ground. Her feet rested on a tiny ledge just beneath the window, and she blankly stared ahead, her entire body hunched over and motionless.

How could this be happening? She had spoken to Wallflower just yesterday and she had seemed completely fine, if not a bit tired. What had happened between then and now? All it would take was one tiny shift forward, and Wallflower would be gone.

Sunset shook her head. There was no time to think like that. The important thing was that Wallflower hadn’t fallen yet. Whatever was going on in Wallflower’s head, Sunset had to help her. Sunset knew she could help her.

“Please, just listen to me!” Sunset shouted. “I called for an ambulance on my way over, okay? We’re gonna get you somewhere safe and—”

Without a word, Wallflower rose from the window, standing on the tiny little ledge beneath it. She wobbled forward, only held up by her hands gripping either side of the window.

Adrenaline burned through Sunset’s veins. “No no no, hey!” she called up, fear rising through the cracks in her voice. “Stay right there! Talk to me, okay?”

Even with Wallflower so high up, Sunset could make out the girl’s sunken eyes flicking down, and for a moment the two of them held each other’s gaze. In the edge of her vision, Sunset saw the lights of several apartments turn on, and she grimaced. The last thing she or Wallflower needed right now was a crowd of spectators.

Still, Wallflower remained silent. She looked away, staring off into the night sky with an entirely empty expression.

Sunset shivered, tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. “Wallflower, say something, please!” she cried. “I can help you! The ambulance is on its way! Just please, listen to me—!”

She was cut off by her own panicked scream as Wallflower drifted forward. Her grip on the window released, and for a split second, the entire world stopped moving.

“Wallflower!"

Then, in the space of a blink, gravity took over, and Wallflower fell.

"Wallflower!”

Wallflower struck the pavement with a heavy crack, and was still.

For a moment, Sunset was entirely frozen. She took a tentative step towards Wallflower, then another, her legs moving autonomously. The girl on the ground looked as if she was merely asleep. In fact, the steadily pooling blood beneath her was the only sign that anything was wrong at all.

When Sunset at last blinked back to reality, her scream sundered the early morning silence.

She fell to her knees beside Wallflower, her lungs shuddering. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. Maybe this was all a nightmare. Maybe Wallflower was still okay. Maybe she was still breathing, still awake, still alive—

Wallflower’s eyes cracked open, looking at Sunset with a half-lidded gaze.

The fallen girl twitched, just barely. Her mouth opened as if to speak, but the only sound she made was a wet cough, which was itself accompanied by a thick spurt of blood that trickled down from the corner of her lips.

Sunset could only watch helplessly. Wallflower was still with her. She was still alive... But for how long?

Sunset tightly grasped the geode hanging from her neck. She couldn’t let this happen. She couldn’t give up. She refused to give up.

Maybe... Maybe there was a way. If she couldn’t save Wallflower’s body, maybe she could save something else.

Wallflower’s eyes started to close. Without a second thought, Sunset reached forward, held Wallflower’s hand, and—

“Wallflower? I’m going to visit your mother, do you want to come along?”

“H-hey there sweetheart... Nah, I’m fine. Meds just l-leave me a bit light-headed.”

“Your first day of high school, how exciting! Meet any new friends?”

“Oh, was there someone in here? So sorry. I didn’t notice.”

“Look at the big brave nobody. If you didn’t know, I rule this school. Now get out of my face.”

“O-oh, Wally! What a surprise!”

“You grew these yourself? That’s amazing! Ooooh, they smell wonderful. Here, get a whiff.”

“You should be proud! I mean it, really!”

They’re beautiful, Wallflower. Just like m-me, at least when I still had hair! Hah!”

“I’ll keep ‘em r-right here. Nice to have some color i-in the room for a change.”

“Oh look, the worm’s playing in the dirt! That’s rich.”

“You think you’re so brave, don’t you? Well come on, then.”

“If you wanna trade barbs, go jump in a rose bush.

“No one would even notice if you just disappeared.”

“Is that girl still giving you trouble?”

“It’s okay, sweetheart. Making friends can be tough, but I know y-you can do it.”

“Wallflower Blush to the front office. Wallflower Blush, please come to the front office.”

“Hah! That’s really your name? What idiot named you, huh?”

“It’s... It’s your mom, Wallflower. She wants to see you.”

“H-h-hey there... Th-there she is, there’s m-my little girl...”

“Just... Look at you. You’re beautiful, y-you know that right?”

“I know, sweetheart, I know... I-I don’t want to l-leave you either... I really did my best, y’know? I gave it m-m-my all.”

“N-no, Wally, there’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m s-so proud of you... No m-matter what you do, you’re gonna be g-great, okay?”

“Hon? M-maybe you should get her some tissues or s-something.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart... You’re gonna be okay, I-I promise. You and your dad. Take care of him, won’t you?”

“I love you, Wallflower. I-I love y-you so, so much...”

“Hey, uhm... I heard about your mom. Don’t expect a hug, but for what it’s worth...”

“I’m sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is.”

“This does not mean we’re friends.”

“Not now, Wallflower.”

“I said not now.”

“Botany? You don’t have the mind for basic math, let alone robotics.”

“Oh. Well, if it makes you happy. Just don’t track dirt into my house.”

“I just got back from work, can’t you leave me alone for five minutes?”

“You know you’re too heavy to be wearing that shirt.”

“You think you’re so much smarter than me, don’t you?

“No, no. Don’t you dare apologize now.”

“You best get over this ‘phase’ and get over it quickly, young lady. Your mother and I didn’t raise a queer.”

“I know, baby girl. I know. I miss her too.”

“Wallflower, why is my shaving kit missing?”

“What the hell is all this, huh? Show me your other arm.”

“If you want to see a damn shrink so badly, fine. But don’t think for a second I’ll pay for it.”

“Do you even understand what depression is? You’re sick. You have a disease.”

“Lord above, you are so ungrateful. When was the last time you thanked me for giving you a roof over your head?”

“Your uncle is an asshole. Your cousins are assholes. Your mother was an asshole. But you, Wallflower? You’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met!”

“I have had it with this attitude! You’re lucky I don’t throw you out on the street!”

“O-oh God, W-Wallflower? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—just stay right here baby girl, I’ll go get some ice...”

“What in Tartarus happened to you, huh?”

“Of course you didn’t bother to cover that up. What, couldn’t find any make-up that comes in sickly green?”

“What’s there to talk about?”

“I’ll apologize if you swear to never bring this up again.”

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I’m sorry. Good enough?”

“I found your little magazine stash. Y’know, if you were my son instead, I’d almost be proud, but this? This is sick.”

“What did I tell you about this queer phase, huh? Answer me!”

“Oh great, now she’s crying, just like always. Fine, go ahead. You’re not fooling anyone.”

“You never... Never speak to me that way again.”

“Roll up your sleeves. Now.”

“Again with this? If you want attention, there are less bloody ways to get it.”

“If you were expecting a pity party from me, you’re dead wrong. At least have some decency and wear long sleeves.”

“Are you deaf? Roll them back down. I don’t wanna look at this.”

“You wanna tell me about this rock I found in your bag?”

“It looks ridiculous. Throw it away, and clean out your bag. It’s a total mess.”

“What have I told you about tracking dirt in my house?!”

“No, that’s it. That is it. Get your sorry ass over here!”

“Wallflower! You open this goddamn door right now!”

“You little bitch! I told you to throw that stupid rock away!”

“What the hell—?!”

“... ... ...”

“Who knocks at five in the morning? What’s your problem, kid?”

“Yeah, I think I’d remember having a daughter. Get lost, grifter.”

“I said get lost.”

“Welcome! Can I help you find anything?”

“Shaving equipment is on aisle four, miss.”

“Excuse me, you have to pay for those. Miss? Miss—!”

“You again? Look, I told you I don’t want whatever crap you’re selling.”

“Uh huh. Long lost daughter. Yeah. Sure. Screw off, brat.”

“If you show up here again, I’m calling the police.”

“Welcome! Can I help you find anything?”

“You’ll find the electronics section way in the back.”

“Hey, shoplifter! You think I don’t see you? Get back here—!”

“Welcome! Can I help you find anything?”

“Return services are just over there, ma’am.”

“Well, I do apologize for the defect. Would you like your return in cash?”

“Welcome! Can I help you find anything?”

“We’ve got a one-bedroom open on the top floor. It ain’t much, but it’s cheap.”

“Rent’s due the first of each month.”

“You’re about to see how mean I can get.”

“Everyone matters, Wallflower.”

“Hey, uhm... I meant to ask earlier. You were so upset with me, and I get it... but I don’t remember bullying you. Did you, uhm...?”

“Ah. Can’t say I’m surprised, I guess. If it’s alright, can I ask about, like... What I did to you?”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me directly. Here, just hold out your hand...”

“W-Wallflower..."

“I... Oh Goddess, I’m so, so sorry...”

“I-I need you to know that I was wrong, okay? The world is a better place with you in it.”

“Hey, hey now..."

“Please don’t apologize. There’s nothing wrong with crying. Hey, look at me...”

“See? You’re not the only one.”

“Can you ever forgive me...?”

“Thank you. Honestly. And of course I forgive you too.”

“I didn’t get your rent this month. How’d you miss all the notices I put under your door?”

“You’ve got three days to pack up and move out.”

“Something wrong, Wallflower?”

“I dunno... You look really tired, I guess.”

“Well if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m only one call away. Have I given you my number yet?”

“You think you’re the first tenant I’ve dropped who told me some sob story? Either pay up or get out.”

“You’ve reached the Crisis Prevention Lifeline. A counselor will be available to assist you as soon as possible.”

“A counselor will be available to assist you as soon as possible.”

“A counselor will be available to assist you as soon as possible.”

“A counselor will be available to assist you as soon as possible.”

“A counselor will be—”

“Nnnnghh... Hello...?”

“Wallflower...? It’s like three in the morning...”

“Hey, are you okay? I can’t understand you. Are you on speaker phone?”

“What do you mean? What’s going on?”

“Okay. Listen to me. You’re gonna be okay, alright? I promise. Can you tell me where you are?”

“Alright, I’m on my way over. Stay on the phone with me, okay? Talk me through what’s going on.”

“Are you safe right now?”

“Wallflower? Are you there? We’re gonna get you through this, okay? Just—”

“... … ..."

“Wallflower! O-oh, thank Goddess you’re still okay!”

“Please, just listen to me! I called for an ambulance on my way over, okay? We’re gonna get you somewhere safe and—”

“No no no, hey! Stay right there! Talk to me, okay?”

“Wallflower, say something! Please! I can help you!”

“The ambulance is on its way! Just please, listen to me—!”

“Wallflower! Wallflower!”

The light faded. Her grip on the fallen girl’s hand loosened.

Sunset stared at the body on the ground. She had never observed herself from the outside looking in, had she? Had she...?

The girl wasn’t moving. She wasn’t moving, she wasn’t breathing, she wasn’t...

There were voices all around, louder and louder. People were coming out of the building she had just fallen from. Sunset recognized a few of their faces—nameless neighbors she’d seen around from time to time. There were a few screams, but none of them were hers. Not anymore. She was gone. She was dead, dead on the pavement, dead just like she wanted...

Sunset blinked, shivering. The lifeless body still lay before her—Wallflower’s body. Green hair, not red or gold. Brown eyes, not blue. Not hers, not her body, not her life tumbling down, down, crashing into the concrete, releasing her last exhale through thick, bubbling blood, staring up at herself as she held her own hand, eyes shining and crying the whole time.

It wasn’t her. It wasn’t, she wasn’t, she wasn’t—

...Then how did she know how much it hurt?

Sunset trembled. It was so, so cold. Numbness crawled up her limbs, then all at once, everything hurt. It hurt like her horn when she hatched the egg, like her body when she shattered on the pavement. She fell to the ground again, whimpering. Someone touched her, but their eyes didn’t go white.

It didn’t matter. The world disappeared all the same.