Death At The Grand Gala

It was a fine evening in Canterlot. From a purely weather-based standpoint, anyway.

"And furthermore," the stupid noble said, the sound of his obnoxious voice causing paint to actively chip off the walls. Luna glanced at her sister. Like always, Celestia seemed so entranced by the degenerate madmen known as The Nobility for some reason. Frankly, Luna didn't get it. She considered nobles a pack of buffoons, there was nothing noble about them, and given half a chance would happily drown them all in a river after hurling them off a cliff.

NOT THAT LUNA WOULD EVER GET THE CHANCE, she mentally screamed in the direction of the Dragonlands. Fucking dragons. Bastards. They had destroyed all the good cliffs to throw ponies off of! Now there were just waterfalls. And like. Waterfalls were... Nice. They were fine. But the water just... Cushioned them, sort of. Sure the fall killed them either way, but the sound of their neck snapping was always muffled by the sound of the water!

How were you meant to have a dramatic confrontation with an ex-lover atop a cliff if you couldn't hear the loud crack of their neck to symbolize the line you had crossed from a pony of innocence to one who had killed? How were you meant to appreciate the smouldering sexual tension that blurred the thin line between love and hatred, CELESTIA?!

Of course, Celestia didn't care. Celestia thought that it was all well and good that ponies weren't killing each other all over the place anymore, and that frankly speaking death was pretty overrated in the first place. Celestia was the sort of pony who attended funerals and then barely got through the eulogy because she was so depressed. Of course, that was to be commended - there was nothing fun about witnessing a friend dying. That said.

Death was fucking radical. Okay? That's a fact. Watching people you hate dying was super cool. Like, if you die to a volcano? That's metal. That's so fucking metal. And if you died by poison, that just proved you were famous and powerful enough that it was deemed necessary that you be poisoned instead of directly assassinated with a blade! It was a badge of honour! And let us not forget the most insidious killer of all... The humble rock. More ponies had been murdered by rock than any other method, bludgeoned to death by blunt force trauma. Most people called this 'barbaric' or 'despicable'.

Luna applauded such traditional values. Beating your foe to death with a rock? That was the sort of tradition that society tended to ignore in these progressively minded times. It was an anchor, Luna thought, with which she might find herself in this new and strange era.

Some ponies deserved to live more than others, though. For instance, these ponies, right here? The ones preventing Luna from going to bed by talking infinitely with their idiocy? The ones that made Celestia, the embodiment of morning ponies and their blisteringly annoying cheerful energy, feel exhausted and tired? They deserved to die most of all. Their deaths would be so fucking amazing. Luna would dance at their funerals.

Something interpretive, just to truly commemorate the passing of the people she truly hated.

Of course, Luna was Royalty. As much as she wanted to kill them, she was honourbound to hear every complaint out. Even if those complaints were from racists. Or elitists. Or sexists.

God, Luna really wanted to murder them. See, that was the really good thing about murder? It meant that all the people she hated could be lumped into a single category - Dead. No longer did she have to sort all the idiots that insisted on wasting her lifespan into different categories, she just had to remember: Is the noble in front of me talking? Then they're not dead. Fix that.

It had worked for many, many years. It had even after Celestia had banished Luna to the moon, because despite her observational prowess Celestia was sort of stupid and didn't know why several members of her cabinet had vanished without a single trace. And as long as she could silence witnesses and keep the guards quiet, it would continue to work.

"It is my firm opinion that--"

It was about then that Luna remembered something beautiful. Something so wonderful that it made her want to weep with joy. "Sister, I just remembered - I have an appointment to keep with members of the servants. I shall return..." What was a good time scale for this? Never was bad. That implied abandonment. Hours? No, that was just as bad. Hours was. No. Soon? Yesssss. Soon implied in the near future, but not in the near-enough future that the current event would continue happening. Luna loved Soon. It was her favourite time period. "Soon."

"Soon when, Luna?" DAMNATIONS CELESTIA, WHY DO YOU INSIST ON SUCH PRECISE TIME TABLES?

"Soon, sister! Or do you not wish me to be more associated with the modern world?"

The guilt trip worked. "Yes, I suppose. Please, go. But I will have you sit in one full Court session before the year is out!"

Luna let out a sinister laugh. Not the one that made people recoil in fear, but the one that made their skin crawl. It was a very specific laugh, she'd have you know. "You and your delusions, sister." She flew out the window and then teleported back to her quarters, surrounded by the comforts of the old world. Weapons. Alcohol. Pinup posters of beautiful mares. Really dark yet awesome oil paintings about the destruction of the world. These were things that Luna considered Art. "SUNSHIIIIINE! MEADOWLAAARK!"

"Your Majesty." Luna spun around and found both of her guard-attendants standing at attention on either side of her. Oooh, these ladies. These ladies were good. God, Luna loved her Moonlight Guard. Some people called them the Lunar Guard, and that was just false. The Lunar Guard was the rank and file. The Moonlight Guard was Luna's personal retinue of competent problem solvers. Sort of like the Elements of Harmony from Ponyville, but with more weapons and less friendship. That was not to say there was no friendship, just that it wasn't weaponized. "What do you command of us?"

Ah yes! Yessssss. "What has become of my Assassin's Guild? Does it still flourish? Do we still take the lives of the worthless and useless?"

There was a pause as the two guards looked at each other. At first glance, both mares looked identical. It was the little details that you had to look out for - Meadowlark had more ominous wings for example, truly ominous in the way they could inspire a child to cry for its mother. Sunshine, meanwhile, had a more nightmarish grin, and could appear as a ravenous beast ready to devour whatever it saw. Luna knew, the first moment she had recruited them, that they were the only possible choice for her personal bodyguards.

Meadowlark spoke first. "I believe they do, Your Majesty. My sister was once a member, but had to take a solemn vow of martial pacifism to stop a wizard some years back. She can only harm, and only to defend the innocent." FUCKING WIZARDS. Always getting in the way of a good murder! This was all Star Swirl's fault. He did like one cool thing, and now every old stallion with a beard thought they had the star-written right to interfere with whatever they pleased. "Sunshine is a member. She is, in fact, the mare meant to kill you if you attempt to begin the Endless Night once more."

Sunshine blushed. "I mean. It's not personal or anything, but the Guildmistress thought it prudent that there be somebody to make sure you can't go that far again, that's all."

They assigned somebody to be on standby to kill Luna? To wait in silence until the moment she slipped up, and they were forced to drive a knife through Luna's heart? She... She was so touched! People cared enough to put a permanent Contract on her head for her death! Luna had never quite understood the notion of heartfelt love before, but she felt like this was close.

Luna smiled and gave Sunshine a hug. "Thank you, my little pony." Sunshine blushed like a supernova about to go critical. Meadowlark said nothing and was starkly professional, but emitted the general aura of somebody who was slowly dying because her employer and her coworker were stupidly in love with each other. "Now, which way to the Assassin's Guild? I have several Contracts that I wish to put out."

As it turned out, the West Gardens. It was apparently the only part of Canterlot that Celestia had not trapped some manner of spirit, supernatural item, or thousand year old family drama. Luna liked gardens. Classier than a ballroom, less classy than an antique shop. The exact level of classy that an assassin preferred, as there was only a minimum amount of ettiquette that one needed to remember. Not to mention: Trees. Luna liked trees. Very fun to hide in. Very fun to use to terrify the lesser folk. Like nobles. Nobles always did need a scare, it put the fear of Luna into them.

The Fear Of Luna was something that the modern age was sorely lacking.

Sunshine flew up, opened a small hatch in a non-distinct tree, and then pulled on a non-distinct piece of bark. On a different non-distinct tree, a door opened, with a ladder leading down. There was a switch inside to shut the door. This, Luna thought, was Secrecy. Assassination was good and all. And murder even more so. But Secrets were very sexy. And if it was a secret murder? Oh, you better be married, because Luna was all over that shit. The ladder went down for a long, long time. Like entirely too long. You could sing an entire ten minute song in the time it took to descend that ladder.

They exited in what Luna could only call Nirvana, a giant cavern filled with every species you could think of. There was a large open market for people selling weapons, poisons and disguises on the bottom floor. Above them, suspended on iron beams and magic, was a train station that had one train for every major city in the nation. Across the walls were countless struts and platforms and walkways, keeping dozens of offices aloft, where ponies filed and kept safe the Contract of anybody in the nation who would hire an Assassin.

It had changed since Luna first founded it. The cave had been smaller then, only room for a small armoury, a dozen mares and stallions, a map in the middle of the room, and a small tunnel through which messenger birds could carry Contracts in and out. "Your Majesty?" Sunshine asked warily. "You're crying."

"I KNOW!" Luna sobbed, smiling like she'd just won every lottery. Which, in fact, she would next week - luck was always weird when you were an omnipotent goddess of the moon. "They've taken everything I taught them and made it more! It's a proper Guild now, not just a club!" Luna wailed incoherently for several more seconds, because holy shit her Assassin's Guild had become THIS?! This was a small army! An army of assassins! Nobody could beat an army of assassins - you'd never see them coming.

In the highest office, a mare stepped out and stared down. Her voice echoed out, and all the noise of the cavern ceased. This was Respect, and it was something Luna greatly admired. Because you could be loved or hated, but people would keep talking during your amazing speeches like jerks anyway. But Respect? Nah. Nah nah nah, everyone would shut up if you had their Respect. Goddamn. "I see we have finally been greeted by the Saintess Of Sin," she said, her voice calm and powerful. The sort of voice you could listen to when you went to bed. The sort of voice you wanted to hear in bed. "I give our thanks to the Duchess Of Darkness for returning to the fold!"

And the cavern exploded with cheering. Literally, some rocks fell down. It was probably not entirely safe in here, but Equestria had never been built by people who were interested in architecture. Ignoring that though: SAINTESS OF SIN?! Holy fuck, that was a radical fucking nickname! Sexy, mysterious, vaguely religious: The TRIFECTA OF COOL. Duchess Of Darkness was. Y'know. Alright. But she was a goddess of the night, you were practically expected to get that one. BUT SAINTESS OF SIN?! Oh, she was going to ride that name for the rest of eternity.

"As the Patron Saint Of Assassination," Meadowlark interrupted, ever the professional. "You are permitted to speak with the Guild Mistress personally. She has the authority to place any Contract upon any head."

The mystery mare, apparently the Guild Mistress, waved calmly. "Please, come to my office. I would appreciate meeting our Patron Saint once more."

Oooh, she had to go meet this mystery mare right now. She flew into the air, a trail of stardust in her wake and her two guards following behind. "Saintess Of Sin! What other delightful titles do I have?"

Sunshine cleared her throat. "Duchess Of Darkness, The Shadowed Wings, The Thirteenth Blade, The Dancing Crescent, The Marauding Doom, The Saint Of Moonlight, Death's Merry Merchant, Vengeance Of Appleoosa, The Drowning Dark," she said, listing one after another.

"Yes, yes, go on go on!" Luna whooped as they landed on the topmost platform of the cavern's many office platforms.

The Guild Mistress smiled as she saw them approach, and then bowed deeply. "The Queen Of Rebellion. Greetings, Your Grace. I am Twilight Velvet, 134th Guildmaster of the United Equestrian Guild Of Assassins." Everything about the mare illustrated the one thing Luna had desperately wanted to know: Her beautiful Assassin's Guild had maintained its skill, professionalism, and wonder. "May we speak inside my office?"

The office was covered in accolades. Luna had even made a few of those. The only personal touch Luna noted was a small glass case with twelve needles and a small pot inside. "Ah, a poisoner? I must say, you're quite skilled. I never had the skill for it myself, I'm afraid. Never could get the dosages right."

Twilight Velvet smiled faintly. It was the smile of somebody who had walked through memory lane far too many times. "Yes. I preferred using a mixture of wine and medicine. They OD on medicinal drugs, but nobody treats them because they simply believe that the person in question has drunk too much." Ingenious! Many people were drunkards, but Luna had never thought to weaponize that! Clearly, Twilight Velvet was an intelligent mare. "I'm sure you're not here to hear about my old efforts to negate the damage the Nobles do to our government, though."

ACTUALLY. "Are you psychic, Miss Velvet? Because that is exactly why I am here." Psychics were cool but also not. They were cool when you were trying to fuck with somebody's brain, but not cool when they fucked with your brain. "I wish to place a Contract upon several Nobles."

Twilight Velvet's facade of calm and control shattered like cheap sugar glass for a moment. "Nobles? You sure?"

"Sure as the moon rises."

The mare nodded slowly. "I. I. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, it's just been a while since somebody just admitted openly they wanted to hurt the nobility. All the doublespeak makes my head spin sometimes." She reached down and pulled up a huge book, at least as big as her head. Which, trust Luna, doesn't sound like much but WOW that was a big book. The cover was marked with a huge blade coated in liquid. Ah, this must have been the work of Custard Tart. That stallion, always trying to make Equestria a more advanced place... "Please, read through our list of employees. I'm sure you'll find somebody worth hiring for your murderous needs."

Luna flipped through the pages. Some of these people weren't particularly interesting. Imagine only using crossbows these days, tut tut. You need to have imagination to make it as an assassin, right? Because you are killing people, and let's be real, corpses tend to look identical after a while. It gets samey. You need to make your own fun, because otherwise the murder just becomes a job. Some of them were very dull. Perfect stealth, nobody ever suspected... What was the point of being an assassin if nobody KNEW it was an assassination?!

Really, the whole point of it was to terrify everyone who wasn't assassinated. Would they be next? Would they be killed by an unseen foe? It put The Fear Of Luna into them. "Some of these people seem very practical," Meadowlark remarked. Like a lamebrain. Of course she'd think that. Sure, it was practical. But where was the ARTISTRY?! Where was the LOVE.

Sunshine blinked. "Your Majesty, isn't that Twilight Sparkle?" WHAT.

HER SAVIOUR? WAS AN ASSASSIN? Oh, Luna was happy. Luna could have kissed Sunshine for pointing that out. In fact she might do that later. Luna scanned down the page. In fact, all six members of the Elements of Harmony were members of the Guild. And all so qualified! If it wouldn't blow their cover, Luna would have recruited all of them into the Moonlight Guard immediately.

In fact... "I know exactly who I'm hiring."

Twilight Velvet smiled. "Good. The fee to hire any one person for a Contract is 5000 bits." Ah, price gouging. An art that would never die. Luna knew her Guild was in good hooves.

"Twilight? We have a Contract from the Head Office."

Twilight slammed down her book. "Always when I'm about to read a book. Every time, I swear to..." She huffed and looked at Spike with an expression that could kill lesser ponies, and on one particular assignment, had driven a stallion to leap off a building from sheer terror. "Alright then. Who are we killing today?"

Spike let the scroll unfurl. It hit the ground and then rolled for a few seconds. "A few people." The scroll continued to unfurl and bounced down the stairs. "More than a few."

There was a long pause. "Well... At least we'll be busy for the foreseeable future."