PonyFinder: Friendship is Evil

by No one is home

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Adventure, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dungeons and Dragons
Length: 3325

Just because you're a terrible pony doesn't mean you can't have Friendship. A PonyFinder story.

Journey once again to the magical land of Everglow, the setting for the TTRPG Ponyfinder.
At the end of the day, what really matters is that a pony has frienship, right? Iam Selrahc Noone is not a good pony. His friends are worse.

Published 2019-11-14 01:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-30 19:28:26 UTC

Anger Issues

“Sir,” the barkeep’s gruff voice cut across the table’s good natured revelry like a physical blow, “We run a respectable establishment. I don’t know what you’re relationship with this filly is, and I don’t care, but we don’t serve booze to foals, and I think it might be best if you leave.”

“You did not just call me a foal.” It was more of an accusation than a question as the diminutive, translucent, pink mare jumped onto the table with a scowl.

“Dammit Lily!” The lanky cyan stallion pushed his shaggy deep blue mane aside casually with a hoof and glared at his small partner. “We’ve had this talk. No stabbing the barkeep for thinking you’re a filly. I mean, your short… incredibly cute… I can’t state that enough, please don’t stab me… and you insist on wearing that ridiculously short school filly outfit, that I can totally see straight up the skirt of when you stand on the table like that… not that I’m saying you should stop, mind…”

“Dammit, Charlie, I have exactly ONE line. Just ONE! And he crossed it!” The little pony raged. “I am not a filly and I am not a short leg. And that’s just one little line.” The little pony glared murderously at the hapless barkeep. “Just one, mister bad at his job of serving me drinks. Just. One. Little. Line. Can you count to one mister? It’s easy, you just say ‘one’ then you stop!”

“Razzberry Pastel,” a harsh voice interrupted “You are under arrest for high treason.”

“And speaking of things you can call a pony if you have corpse ambitions…” The tall blue pony rolled his eyes. “The name’s Iam Selrahc Noone. And honestly, I won’t commit treason for at least a couple of hundred years. Not my fault, seriously, that is totally not my fault. I blame Tempus for scrambling the time stream.”

“Whatever you call yourself,” the scowling blue and green stallion scowled, “You couldn’t think you could hide forever.”

“Who said I was hiding?” The cyan earthbound pony smirked as the small mare at his back suppressed a giggle. “But please, by all means monologue. I suppose I was ‘betrayed’ by one of my so called ‘friends’.”

“Arkadium, you can come in now.” The stallion smirked, and a non descript unicorn mare entered behind him. “You really don’t inspire loyalty. All it took to get her to give you up was just one little caveat…”

“Let me guess,” Iam chuckled, “She gets to make the kill… Well alright, you caught me. Let’s make a go at it. Me and Lily, versus you and… Whatsherface…”

“The hard way then?” The stallion grinned wide. “You should take note of the lady’s name. She’s going to be the one to end you, after all.”

“Got a secret gonna keep it, swear this one you’ll save…” Lilly sang sweetly as a blade emerged through the front of the stallions skull.

“You get to make the kill.” Iam nodded grimmly as he wiped the spattered blood from his stein. “Thank you once again for bringing this bounty hunting scum to our attention, my dear Whatserface.”

“Always a pleasure, Mister Noone.” The utterly generic pony shifted in appearance to a pale, emmanciated, scarfaced mare.

“Here’s some gold for the mess my good po- … GODS IN HELL, LILY!” Iam Noone cursed angrily. “I literally just told you not to stab the barkeep! Like just now!”

“I’m sorry, Charlie” The little pink ghost pony kicked her hoof dejectedly. “It’s just… Whatserface stabbed that stupid pony whose name I’m never going to even try to remember, and that reminded me how much I like stabbing, and then I got that itch that you can only scratch with a good round of stabby-stabby…

“I too have felt the itch.” Whatserface nodded sagely.

“Ah hell, I can’t stay mad at you,” Iam laughed warmly, “Well, at least there weren’t any witnesses. Might as well go ahead and loot the place before the somepony else shows up. Whatserface, put up the closed sign and latch the door.”

“Good idea Charlie.” Lily nodded with great enthusiasm. “I’m way less sociopathic if my motive was robbery!”

“I am 100% sure that’s how that works,” Iam replied cheerfully as he stuffed bottles of booze into a bag of holding.

-=-=-=-=-

“Lily…” The dishevelled cyan earth bound pony rubbed the back of his head absently with one hoof. “We need to talk…”

“Is this about the tavern we just robbed?” The small pink mare smiled widely. “Because I thought that went pretty well. No witnesses, positive income, you got booze, I see exactly zero problems…”

“It’s not about the robbery, Lily,” Iam sighed, “It’s about your self image.. You know me and Whatserface take you seriously, right?”

“Yeah, I’m totally not a murderous sidekick who everyone sees as a child.” The small pony nodded with enthusiasm.

“Yeah… that…” Iam smiled sheepishly. “You’re not that… at all. And me and Whatserface…”

“Mostly Mister Noone,” the scarred mare interjected.

“Yes… well WE,” Iam continued with a glare at his shapeshifting associate, “Well we’re worried you...kinda obsess… a lot… and maybe… MAYBE… kinda feed your own insecurities… in that respect…”

“What are you getting at Charlie?” The ghost pony’s voice took on a dangerous edge.

“Well… it’s just…” The stallion stammered nervously.

“You dress and act like a child and become violently enraged when you are mistaken for the child you are dressing and acting like.” The scared doppel mare replied flatly.

“What? I like this outfit!” The not-filly snarled. “Charlie thinks it’s cute! Back me up here Charlie!”

“The cute outfits aren’t the problem…” Iam smiled half-heartedly. “You just murdered the barkeep for mistaking you for a filly. Like, less than an hour ago. That JUST happened.”

“So? You murder ponies all the time!” Lily argued, “Nine Hells! Whatserface’s whole job is murdering ponies! She just murdered somepony too! I just kinda got caught up in the murder moment! I thought you said you weren’t mad!”

“No one is angry with you, Lily,” Iam spoke in soothing tones.

“I am a little angry,” Whatserface interjected, drawing glares from her companions, “I liked that tavern. Do not look at me like that. Now I have to find a new tavern.”

“To be fair to Lily, we probably wouldn’t be welcome back anyway after you murdered that bounty hunter.” Iam chuckled.

“Two of us can shape shift and Lily wasn’t involved in THAT stabbing.” The doppel mare huffed.

-=-=-=-=-

“Wow, no wonder you lost your movie day privileges,” Pinkie Pie giggled as she munched her popcorn, “How are even still allowed to teach at this school, again?”

“It helps that I’m close personal friends with the new head mare,” Discord smirked.

“The Great and Powerful Guidance Counselor Trixie can confirm that friendship is indeed a great and powerful means to keep one’s job,” Trixie said with a grin.

“And to be fair, to me of course, the film I showed the students was about much less evil ponies of Everglow,” Discord said in his own defense.

“So, you’re gonna keep up his whole schtick to make the story technically set in Equestria huh?” Pinkie asked the author directly.

Yes, Pinkie Pie. Yes I am.

Causality

“Wow, that’s the third accusation of treason this week.” Lily scrunched her little pink snout. “Is it me or is a little weird that we’re getting chased around for crimes we committed in the way off future, instead of the crimes we’ve totally committed right here in ancient Villjatowne?”

“Actually from their perspective this is modern Villjatowne,” Iam pointed out with a kind smile, before scowling, “But yeah, that’s weird. Not as weird as you putting your mane in pig-tails, and changing out to an even shorter plaid skirt… but weird.”

“Well, I thought about what you said, and I wanna try to project a more mature appearance.” Lily smiled and nodded to herself.

“I…” Whatser face cocked her head to the side and suddenly stopped for an exceptionally awkward pause. “No. I will not even.”

“Honestly, I never figured that one time I used time anomalies to stop a genocidal war would be the thing I was hunted down for.” The cyan stallion complained.

“I agree.” Whatserface nodded. “I always suspected it would be for the circus themed prostitution rings.”

“Funny,” Lily said while rubbing her chin with an absent minded hoof, “I always figured it would have been all those years you spent selling drugs disguised as a priestess of Luminance…”

“I know? Right?” Iam fumed. “It’s like karma just fell asleep at the wheel, and now I’m getting railroaded for that one thing I did right.”

“So the rumors were true.” A stallions deep voice rose from behind the trio. “Rasberry Pastel, I wouldn’t think you’d have the gal to return to Villatowne after what you did, traitor!”

“Gods in hell!” Lilly proclaimed with a squee, “It’s Steele Prism! The absolute hottest of the eternal champions of everglow! Can I have your autograph? Can I stab you to see where you’ll turn up in history next time?!?! I’ve always wanted to do that!”

“Oh gods of fuck!” Iam snapped angrily before shouting at the sky. “A champion of Everglow? I’m a petty criminal at worst!”

“There were more than two circus themed prostitution rings.” Whatseface commented drily.

“Okay! I’m getting a little sick of the unmitigated Krava-shit!” Iam Snarled.

“Hey!” A passing offended pony shouted. “My wife is a beautiful unicorn! Don’t make fun of her body shape… OR her extra horn!”

“I’ve never even been to Viljatown,” Iam continued to rant, ignoring the offended stallion, whose wife was CLEARLY a unicorn and not a purple bovine, “And besides that, all my betraying the Empire was in the Great War, which doesn’t even MAYBE happen in this timeline for another couple of hundred years!”

Steel Prism cocked his massive crimson head to the side in confusion at the raving mad-pony, and the small, pink, ghost pony mare nuzzled his front fetlock.

“Yeah,” Lilly crooned amidst her nuzzling, “We’re from the far off distant future of one of the big maybe-baby time-lines.”

“Wait, I see what’s going on now! It’s so obvious!” The blue degenerate grinned widely. “Steel Prism, this is all a Tempus-Time-Fuckery misunderstanding. We will come peacefully and present our case before her majesty.”

“You will?” Steel proclaimed, taken aback.

“This is unexpected,” Whatserface said flatly.

“Wut?” Lily twisted her head around as she somehow availed herself of a non-consensual pony back ride from the large red paladin who was trying to arrest them.

“Guy’s,” Iam turned to face the ungathered crowd and thrust his hoof triumphantly into the air, “I have had an epiphany. All the crimes we actually committed are in their future. All the crimes we’re wanted for are in OUR future. Technically we haven’t done anything wrong yet. We have a clean slate. All we have to do is NOT go back in time and commit high treason. We have a new chance to live our lives as good po-” He was cut off by a gurgling gasp of surprise and something wet and sticky striking the back of his head.

“Whatever you do, Charlie,” Lily meeped sheepishly, “Please don’t turn around.”

“I would also advise against turning around,” Whatserface monotoned.

“Lily,” Iam said softly as his eye twitched, “Is the wet gunk on the back of my head Steel Prism, eternal Champion of Everglow, and one of your personal idols?”

“To be fair, I DID ask him if it was okay if I stabbed him to see where he’d turn up in history next,” Lily replied quietly, “...he didn’t say ‘no’.”

“Lily, dearest… why did you murder Steel Prism, the paragon of justice and virtue throughout the history of everglow,” Iam droned in a neurotically calm voice, “just as I was talking about how we had a real chance to turn our lives around?”

“I am more curious as to how.” Whatserface stated flatly. “I was watching when it happened, and I still do not understand what I have just witnessed.”

“Both questions, same answer,” Lilly replied cheerfully, “It was funny.”

“This answers none of the questions,” was the only toneless response the scarfaced mare could manage.

“Well, this time period was a bust.” Iam sighed heavily.

“Maybe we can unwind time and unmurder Big Red Sexy… I know he’s coming back, but I feel kinda sad that I cut my mandatory-you-don’t-have-a-choice-cuddle-time short” Lily pouted as adorably as a small pony covered in blood and viscera could possibly manage.

“No, I just checked my Luminace Assistance Piece,” Iam examined a digital device attached to his foreleg, “According to the Potential Object of Relativistic Normality, it’s a fixed point in time. You are always going to murder Steel Prism at that exact moment.”

“Well obviously!” The pink ghost pony exclaimed, “I didn’t need POorn to tell me that. I was just hoping I could talk you into a few replays before we moved on.”

“We are NOT going to replay the past week just so you can edge up your ‘muder point’ score!” Iam insisted, “At least not more than twice.”

“I also had a few employment opportunities that could be explored with maybe three more retries.” Whatserface droned flatly.

“I don’t care how much fun it is!” Iam stamped a hoof angrily, “We are not unravelling space and time more than four times for our own sick amusement!”

“So we’re agreed,” Lily grinned wickedly, “After maybe five redos of the past week, we move on to another period in history?”

“Seems legit.” Iam smiled warmly as he adjusted settings on his LAP.

Author's Note

Steel Prism, everyone, one of the Champions of Everglow. Think of them as reincarnating NCPs available to enteract with the party in pretty much any era of Ponyfinder you may be playing in.

The Lying Truth

“So, guys?” The little pink ghost pont asked with a giggle, “Wanna share each other’s darkest secrets?”

“I am an assassin, you are a serial killer, and Iam Noone is a drug dealing whore monger,” Whatserface stated matter of factly.

“One, none of that is secret, two I am am a reformed drug dealing whore monger,” Iam interrupted sternly.

“You have bought, sold, traded, and consumed illegal alchemical substances in every town we have passed through,” Whatserface pointed out.

“Yes,” Iam said with a grin and a shrug, “But I have not engaged in any acts of sexual exploitation.”

Whatserface raised an eyebrow, drawing a retort from the cyan degenerate, “Pretending to be your pimp to get you closer to your target doesn’t count, we’ve been over that!”

Lily loudly cleared her throat, prompting another counter arguement, “Throwing gold coins in the air during what we do in the privacy of a public fountain in broad daylight does not make it prostitution… that’s just my kink…”

“You’re missing the point, I mean what if we each tell one secret we know about the other one!” Lilly insisted.

“‘Not Short Mare and the Clown Face Bug Pony,’” Iam jumped in with a smirk, “I know all about your dirty little self-insert Not Metal Filly ship fic.”

“I would kill you in your sleep if you didn’t look so peaceful when I loom over you!” Lily snarled in rage.

-=-=-=-=-

“Well that’s just meta as buck,” Pinkie Pie deadpanned.

“Well, we’re watching a story on a film projector while providing MST3K-esque commentary,” Discord rolled his eyes like dice in response.

“There is nothing wrong with fanfiction,” Trixie asserted, “Trixie’s Great and Powerful Ex-husband wrote a fanfiction where Spike married a half human-half pony from the world of a tabletop RPG.”

“Wow…” Pinkie’s jaw dropped in amazement. “Just… no words…”

“Didn’t see Trixie winning the fourth wall contest,” Discord admitted, impressed.

-=-=-=-=-

“Oh, come on Lily,” The blue degenerate laughted merrily, “You can’t really be mad, this game was your idea.”

“That was still a low blow Charlie!” The little mare fumed.

“Your just mad because I’ve been reading your diary,” Iam smirked.

“OF COURSE THAT’S WHY I’M MAD!” Lily screamed in frustration. “That is a totes legit thing thing to be angry about.”

“Iam Noone is not from Tempus.” Whatserface droned without emotion.

“Wait… wut?” The diminutive pink ghost pony’s eyes went wide.

“D-don’t be ridiculous Whatserface!” Iam sputtered. “Of course I’m from Tempus, that how I have all this time travel...stuff…”

“He has lived in Tempus for many years, that is true, but I am aware of the place he was born,” the scar faced mare continued without pause, “I am aware of why he erased his name.”

“For realsies?” Lily’s eyes lit up.

“Ah hell, given how many times my old name’s been dropped lately, I guess there’s no harm in letting the cat out of the radioactive chamber.” Iam chuckled.

“Shrodinger was an asshole,”his diminutive companion scowled.

“He was an asshole who killed cats with radiation.” Whatserface confirmed. “And this is oddly connected to the story of Iam Noone’s point of origin.”

“Heh, it’s true,the old homestead practically glows in the dark,” Iam Noone grinned broadly, “Oddly enough, it survived the Blaze in the time lines I didn’t fuck with.”

“It survived the elemental wrath of Imperial Hubris,” Whatserface mused, “but fell to the scheming of a single, spiteful pony with a time travel artifact.”

“The power of the POoRN!” Lily through a hoof in air and gave an enthusiastic cheer.

“They got what they had coming,” Iam’s usually cheerful smile curled into an angry sneer.

“Oooo,” Lily blinked owlishly, “Is this your super tragic backstory that explains why you turned to a life of eville?”

“Naw, Short-stop,” the stallion gave a bitter laugh and shifted into a chitinous insectoid form, “I’ve always been a gods be damned bastard. The veiled mother don’t kiss good ponies. But my brother, Blue, he WAS a good pony. Nine Hells of strife, I used to hate him. I used to hate living in his gods be damned shadow. The soldier, the war hero! Fuck even when he committed treason he was goddam noble about it.”

“Mom was right, who knew?” The blue insectile pony lammented.

“He was everything I coulda been,” Iam gave a small mournful smile. “But they turned him out to the blaze. And I burned ‘em for it… I burned ‘em good.”

“Huh, so with the power of the Potential Object of Relativistic Normality, you have achieved revenge on ponies who live in parallel timelines but are not actually the ponies that wronged you?” Lily queried.

“It’s better than no revenge, I guess.” Iam shrugged.

“You’re the best, Trixie!” Lilly squee’d and blushed as the other two turned to her in confusion. “What? Somewhere a Trixie needs to be reassured! I’m performing a public service! You’re welcome!”

“The real kicker is, the Potential Object of Relativistic Normality can’t alter my own past,” Iam chuckled dryly, holding a flame to a long glass tube as he inhaled, “So really, deep down I’m just destroying a series of empires that LOOK like the one that wronged me. And I’m okay with that.”

“Let’s look at that ‘heaven’ her Sheriffic Highness looks up on so much… that one the ‘angel’ came from…” The degenerate pony looked at no one in particular. “Yer gonna and done gone and outlived everyone you ever cared about, whatcha gonna do next Sparkle? Heh…”

“So...he’s directly poking random characters in stories that are only tangentially related to our subjective reality…” Lilly inhaled deeply while holding the glass tube.

“Yes,” Whatserface scowled as she pushed the long glass tube away, “This is a thing that he does.”

-=-=-=-=-

“Solid brown cheese protocol,” a snake whispered.

The metal filly’s visual sensors faded to a pale blue. “Chocolate level encoding engaged. Input awareness restricted from organic processor...”

“I’m gonna tell you the truth, little filly,” the snake hissed.