War is Hay

by Azusa

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 2733

Rainbow Dash is pulled into Ponyville's first wargame.

After finally getting her new headphones, Rainbow Dash is pulled into the craziest battle that Ponyville has ever known.

A crossover with Team Fortress Classic. (Cause that game's totally different from TF2.)

Reviewed by TrelaTyraelis.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-19 21:44:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Rainbow Dash awoke to the sound of a knock on her door. “Ugh...” Scratching her mane, she walked to the door and opened it, only to find derpy floating in front of her.

“Package for you, Rainbow Dash,” said Derpy, passing a small box to the mare.

Rainbow's eyes widened as she looked at the package. It’s finally here! She thanked the mailmare and flew back to her bedroom quickly, grinning all the way. She ripped open the package, revealing a new pair of headphones, a substitute to the old pair Scootaloo had broken a week before. She still could remember her old beloved headphones, snapped in half, without ear cushions...

Cutie mark crusaders Dj's!

Kids...

But now it was the time. She opened her drawer and took out her player, slamming the plug into the headphone jack as she pressed play. "Aww yeah!" she said, as the Wonderbolts' theme song started playing. Fully charged, she leapt into the air and did a flip.

During her dubstep song, she heard the sound of a cannon going off. “Huh?” A cannon ball shot up through the cloud floor and through the ceiling, missing her head by mere inches. She looked through the hole and saw pinkie pie in a tank, waving up at her.

Dash dropped down to the ground, the hole closing behind her. “Pinkie, what are you doing?” she said, landing on the tank.

Pinkie grinned. “Hi, Dashie! We’re playing war games. Wanna join us?”

“War games? What’s that?”

“It’s where we fight each other, like a real battle.” Pinkie tossed a rifle at Dash, who caught it with a hoof. “Except we use blanks, so no pony gets seriously hurt.”

Rainbow looked at her blankly.

“C’mon, Dashie, to arms!” Pinkie raised a hoof in the air.

“Okay, Pinkie...” Dash said, leaping off in the same moment as pinkie ignited the large tank, crunching the ground under her.

Rainbow scoured the battlefield; to the right, she saw movement. She ducked behind a crate and peered towards that direction. Huh? Where is it? Around her nothing could be heard but the sound of the wind blowing across the meadow, sweet apple acres not so far away.

“Headshot.”

Dash turned just in time to get shot in the forehead by a blank. ...it still hurt. The world

around her went dark.

“Ugh...” Rainbow Dash sat up, her head aching. She found herself in a tent with a map of ponyville hanging on one of the walls, as noises of the gun and tank fire could be heard outside.

“Ah, good. You’re awake.” Dash turned to see Twilight trotting towards her, wearing an unusual general hat and badge.

“Twilight, what’s happening?” Dash said, taking her by the haunches.

“Get your hooves off me, Private!” Twilight slapped away Dash’s hooves. She giggled and whispered, “Sorry, Rainbow, I’m trying to stay in character.”

Rainbow stood on her hooves. “What’s happening out there, Twi—” Twilight glared at her. “I-I mean, General.”

General Sparkle smiled. ”We're the Solar Empire, and we're fighting against the Lunar Republic, private.”

“Lunar republic? Wait... how do I tell who's on what side?”

Twilight tapped her hat. “Our soldiers are wearing red helmets, and theirs are wearing blue ones.” She took Dash’s rifle and passed it to her. “Are you ready, Private Rainbow?” She raised a hoof in salute.

Dash returned the gesture. “Ready, General Sparkle!”

“Good, now go out there and show them what you’re made of!” said twilight, releasing the salute.

Dash galloped out of the tent, picking a red helmet on her way.

Rainbow Dash put her helmet over her headphones and pressed the play button, not even a second after a blank whizzed by, grazing her on the cheek. She dove behind a rock and lay against it. That was a close one.

“Howdy, Rainbow Dash!” Dash looked up to see Applejack, holding a rocket launcher. She lowered it to eye level and fired. The missile flew through the battlefield and exploded a fair distance away, sending a number of Lunar Republic soldiers flying.

“C’mon!” Applejack pulled her to her hooves. “Let’s go!”

“R-right!” They trotted off. Turning a corner, Dash saw a large Lunar Republic soldier carrying a large minigun. The stallion spotted them and his gun started to whirl. Rainbow dashed out of the way, just in time for a barrage of blanks to fly past her.

She peered around the corner and saw the heavy weapons pony stomp his way towards them; sweat started to trickle down the back of her neck. Just as the stallion came to the corner, Fluttershy glided over and bashed him over the head with a medkit. Applejack grinned when she saw her.

“Sorry, it’s just a game. Please don’t hate me.” She landed.

The stallion’s face turned green and he fell to his knees as a fountain of rainbows vomited out of him mouth.

“Fluttershy? What are you doing?” Dash asked, raising an eyebrow.

Fluttershy smiled. “I’m a medic.”

“Ugh...” Rainbow Dash turned to see the stallion getting up. He aimed his rifle at Fluttershy and the barrel started to spin. With Applejack too close to fire her rockets and Fluttershy with only a medkit, Rainbow Dash knew what she had to do. She raised her rifle, aimed, and fired. The blank flew out of the gun chamber and struck the heavy weapons pony in the side of the head, as he fell to the ground with a thud, the weight of his gun making a small furrow in the dirt.

"Let's go, before he wakes up!" the group galloped away, following Applejack's advice.

They came to a tunnel, inside were a couple of Lunar Republic scouts. Applejack fired a rocket at them blowing up both their faces and making them go flying... along with Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy hovered over to them and touched them with her medkit. They got up instantly, feeling healthier than before the blast, just as they heard a familiar voice.

“Well, hello there!” Mister cake was standing in the opening of the tunnel, wearing a red helmet.

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes and dove at him, smashing him across the face with her medkit.

Dash’s eyes widened. “Fluttershy, what are you doing?!”

“The Cake is a spy!” said Applejack, pointing a hoof at his direction. The stallion formerly known as Mr. Cake was vomiting rainbows onto the paper plate he had used as a disguise. “C’mon!” They dashed down the tunnel, leaving the spy in the dust, as fluttershy apologized to the stallion.

As they came to the end of the tunnel, a blank struck the ground near Applejack’s hoof. She tumbled back into the tunnel and peered out. A good distance away, she could see a group of snipers standing on the Lunar Republic base.

Applejack motioned for the two pegasi to come closer. “Fluttershy, I need ya’ to hold yer medkit next to yer head an’ fly outta’ here as quick as ya’ can.”

Fluttershy nodded and did as Applejack had asked. As she soared through the air, the snipers took aim and fired upon her, but instead of hitting her in the head and knocking her out cold, the blanks struck her medkit.

With the sniper’s focusing on Fluttershy, Applejack and Rainbow Dash galloped out of the tunnel.

“Meep!”

Applejack looked to the sky, seeing Fluttershy’s face cringing as she made a nosedive. Leaping into the air, Applejack held out her hooves and caught her as she landed. Tears welling in her eyes, the peasus held her back hoof. On it was a mark where one of the blanks had hit her.

Rainbow Dash glared back at the snipers. She lowered her rifle at them and let fly a barrage of blanks. The snipers dived out of the way, but not before Dash struck a couple of them in the chest.

Dash turned back to her friends. “Can you walk, Fluttershy?”

“I-I think so...” Fluttershy glanced down at her medkit.

“Then lets go!” They cantered off of the lunar republic base's entrance.

The group had snuck inside the base through a side entrance, knocking out the few earth ponies who were guarding it. Moving towards the center, they came to a open room with a staircase leading to the second story.

Applejack stepped forward. Her eyes widened as she heard the familiar whirling noise. “Look out!” she said, tackling her comrades and pushing them away from the line of fire. They looked back, as a barrage of blanks struck the floor where Applejack was standing.

“I got an idea.” Dash motioned for Applejack to come closer and she whispered in her ear. Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. When she finished talking, they both nodded to each other and they ran back into the room.

Rainbow Dash glided to the far corner of the room. “Hey, meat-head!” She let loose a number of shots in the direction of the heavy weapons pony, who turned and started up her minigun again.

“Taste ma’ rocket lawnchair!” Applejack fired a missile at the Lunar Republic soldier. The mare only had time to turn, only to get hit in the face and get flung across the room. “Let’s go!”

Applejack cantered up the stairs, as she reached the top though, the floor began crumbling under her hooves. Dash and fluttershy luckily caught her before she could hit the floor. “The enemy flag’s in there!” Applejack pointed to a tunnel, leading down into the basement. They let her down a good distance from where the rocket had struck and galloped inside.

From inside the tunnel, Rainbow glanced around at the rock walls of the Lunar Republic basement. She could hear the sounds of weapon fire coming from above. As she planted a hoof outside, she heard a cranky noise from off to the side.

Applejack’s ears twitched, she scooped Dash up under her shoulders and pulled her back into the tunnel. Falling on their flanks, they watched as a hail of blanks shot past the opening.

Aiming her rocket launcher out of the tunnel, Applejack shot a missile at the source of the attack. She listened for the noise of the explosion, and, after couple seconds, stepped out of the tunnel. At the far corner of the room, Applejack saw the Lunar Republic flag.

A moment later, they heard a clang from where Applejack had just fired. Applejack turned to it, and saw a unicorn mare bashing a turret with a wrench. Realizing she was spotted, the engineer gasped and ran away. The turret that Applejack thought she had destroyed clicked. Applejack ducked back into the tunnel as it fired upon her again.

“Fluttershy, see ifn’ you can take care of that unicorn out there,” Applejack said, panting.

“Right!” Fluttershy saluted and took off, out of the tunnel. Dash soon heard a smack and then a retching sound as Fluttershy returned.

Applejack tumbled out and launched a rocket at the turret. It exploded in a fiery blast, sending shards of metal everywhere. Applejack cantered over to the flag and pulled it out of the floor in her teeth, then turned towards her comrades mumbling "let's 'o!"

When they got back to the second story, Rainbow Dash glanced in the direction that they had come, seeing a couple of heavy weapons ponies. Knowing that they couldn’t handle two of them at once, Applejack galloped the other way, her friends following behind. Ahead, Applejack saw an opening in the wall. They leapt through it, landing on the ground below.

Rainbow Dash lifted her head to see a large group of Lunar Republic soldiers in front of them. The enemies raised their rifles to fire. Dash swallowed her spit. Fluttershy made a squeak.

Suddenly, they heard a kaboom from off to the side as a brick wall exploded. “Aww, yeah! The hero of justice if here!” Pinkie shouted. The Lunar Republic soldiers ran for cover as she drove towards them, repeatedly shooting off her canon as she went.

“Thanks, Pinkie!” Dash said, waving at her.

“Any time, Dashie!” Pinkie said, driving off.

Dash’s face lit up as she saw the entrance to the tunnel from before. She started to run towards it, before Applejack grabbed her by the tail. “Hold on there, Dash!” She pointed to the opening. Rainbow Dash stopped as she saw a Lunar Republic sniper hiding in the shadow.

Applejack motioned for Fluttershy to come closer and she whispered in her ear. They nodded to each other and Applejack dashed towards the tunnel. “Yee Haw!” Applejack ran along, launching a few rockets into the air. The sniper stepped out of the tunnel and aimed his gun at Applejack.

“Sorry...” Fluttershy struck the Lunar Republic sniper in the back of the head with her medkit, just before he could pull the trigger. He dropped to his knees and let loose a stream of rainbows.

Rainbow darted into the tunnel. On the way through, she caught up with Fluttershy and Applejack.

As Applejack stepped outside, a Lunar Republic soldier shot her in the leg. She cringed and held her hoof close, but kept moving. While the blank hadn’t broken the skin, it had still left a bruise. Seeing that she was in pain, Dash leapt out and fired a blank at the Lunar Republic soldier, hitting her in the chest. Gripping the spot where the blank hit her, she knelt onto the ground and glared at Dash.

Dash aimed her rifle at her. They both took a shot at the same time, the blanks passing each other in the air. Dash’s blank struck the Lunar Republic soldier in the forehead and she collapsed onto the ground. The enemy’s blank still traveling towards her, Dash raised the back of her weapon and the blank brushed against it, bouncing off and grazing her face.

Dash looked back at her friends: Applejack was still rubbing her hoof and Fluttershy was holding Applejack’s head to her chest.

“Rainbow, I need ya to take the flag to our base.” Applejack let the flag fall to her lap. Dash reached down and took it in her mouth. She raised a hoof in salute and took to the sky.

“Go with Dash, Fluttershy,” said Applejack. “I’ll be okay.”

Fluttershy frowned at her. “A good soldier never leaves a mare behind.”

“But I—”

Fluttershy lowered her head and planted a kiss on Applejack’s lips. “Now, lets get you fixed up.” She lifted Applejack by the shoulders and carried her on her back to safety, like a camel.

Rainbow Dash soared through the air; in a last ditch effort to win the war game, she had sacrificed holding her rifle for the speed of flight. Dodging back and forth, Dash kept a steady speed, avoiding blanks from the snipers below. Behind her, she heard the sound of cannon-fire. She dived down a little, and the cannonball passed over her head.

Dash’s eyes lit up as she saw the Solar Empire base up ahead and she made a nosedive for it. As she glided down, an enemy sniper took aim and fired, striking her on the wing. She grimaced and collapsed, crashing down onto the sniper deck.

Rainbow opened her eyes to see the capture zone. If she could reach it, the Solar Empire would win the war game. The flag still between her teeth, Dash crawled across the floor towards the capture zone.

In front of her an enemy soldier appeared. “She’s got the flag! Get her!” He aimed his rocket launcher at Dash and fired.

“Too late!” Dash planted her front hooves on the capture point and dropped the flag. As it hit the floor, a buzzer sounded. Rainbow Dash collapsed in exhaustion as the rocket flew over her head.

Dash open her eyes to see Twilight, standing in the Solar Empire base camp and smiling at her. “Did we win?” she asked, still half asleep. “Are Applejack and Fluttershy okay?”

Twilight nodded. “They’re just fine. Applejack says her hoof doesn’t hurt anymore.” Rainbow sat up in bed. “And, yes, we did win.”

A faint smile appeared on Dash’s face.

“In fact, you made the winning capture.”

“Good...” Rainbow Dash fell back to the pillow.

Twilight trotted to the door. “Goodnight, Rainbow Dash.” As she flicked the light switch, she saw that Dash was already fast asleep.