Twilight's Got a Date!by Gayle SoftfeatherChaptersThe First Few ProblemsThe Next SetAnd Three DatesThe First Few Problems“SPIKE! I HAVE A DATE!” Twilight squealed as she slammed his door open, causing him to jump awake. Well, mostly awake. “Erm… what? Date? What time is it?” Spike said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “A couple hours before sunrise, but that’s not important. I have a date!” Twilight’s smile couldn’t get any wider, and her wings were sticking straight out. Spike, on the other hand, rubbed his temples and looked blearily at the excited princess. “A couple hours before sunrise? Can I go back to sleep?” Spike moaned, knowing the answer. “No! We have a lot to plan for! Grab a pen and meet me in the library.” And with that, she teleported out, and left Spike wondering if she had teleported to the other side of the door specifically so she could slam it open. *** A few minutes later, Spike entered the library and accidentally dislodged a key support book in a book skyscraper, instantly overcoming the lingering sleep deprivation. Spike lunged to put it back as the magically assembled tower started to sway, but it was too late, and the books started to fall. “No!” Spike cried. He wasn’t as much of a bibliophile as Twilight, but another book avalanche wasn’t good for anyone. It has taken days to get all the binder’s glue off his scales the last time, and Twilight had held three funerals for books damaged beyond repair. As Spike cowered, Twilight glanced over and caught the books in a telekinetic web. “Thanks Spike, I was looking for that book on Eastern poisonous reptiles.” She said, automatically reassembling the tower, and levitating the book in question out of Spike’s claws. “Erm… eastern poisonous reptiles?” Spike asked, taking his customary place by the blackboard at the front of the room. “Yes! I’m assembling a list of things that could ruin our date, and being attacked by a venomous snake is number… seven.” She said, running her eyes over a pile of books. “Only seven? What’s higher?” Spike said, starting a list on the board and a backup list on a piece of paper. Owlowiscious, who was still awake, was keeping a third list. It was all part of Twilight’s anti-interruption plan. Armored and barred library, fire extinguishing spell, list on the blackboard, backup list in case of wind or water related damage to the primary, and a backup backup inside Owlowiscious’s nest, which was water and wind proof. After he finished the backup list, Spike would send it to Celestia, where would be stored in the Royal Treasury. Spike occasionally had nightmares about what precautions Twilight would take if a list actually did get damaged. Still, he was Twilight’s number one assistant, so he was more than ready to take notes. Regardless of how convoluted the process was. Twilight tore her eyes away from the Lesser Greater Spotted Striped Dancing Smiler, the third most poisonous snake in Manehattan, and levitated the pile around her head. Rubbing her muzzle, she looked at the book titles, trying to remember. “… Spontaneous combustion, Discord induced reality tearing, economic depression, angry yaks, and spontaneous baldness.” Spike finished writing them down and stepped back. He looked at the issues in question, then at Twilight’s frantic reading, making sure that she had gotten all of them. After a few seconds of hopping back and forth, he opened his mouth. “Umm… Twilight, these are what you’re worried about before a date?’ She paused for a moment, brushed her mane back into place and leapt up. “Of course! Spontaneous combustion is always a threat to an alicorn, I’ve haven’t been using up magic fast enough! Discord always gets bored on days ending in ‘Y.’ Thank Celestia he added Yams and Yucca to the middle of the week.” She paused for a moment, then darted over to a calendar, carefully crossing out two words and replacing them. Dashing back to the blackboard, she pointed to the next one on the list. “Since Rainbow Dash did her tour over in Roam, and Bulk Biceps has been doing his… thing, rain is 2% less than normal for this time of year. Applejack is worried about the apple crop. And the Apples are the most productive farm in the region. We have three boutiques, several pastry shops, an animal sanctuary, and the tourism industry! Without the Apple farm, and the largest apple cider distillery this side of the Applechians, Ponyville is doomed!” “And the Yaks?” “Pinkie Pie accidentally declared war on the Yaks. Turns out that jumping in place in a counterclockwise direction while it’s snowing and eating a cupcake is how the Yaks declare war. Apparently Derpy was late with her muffin delivery and Pinkie Pie made the best of it with a brown sugar cupcake during breakfast. Candace should take care of it soon, but apparently she and Shining Armor wanted another child. He only just got out of the hospital... yesterday? Yes yesterday afternoon, so she’s been distracted.” Spike looked up, not sure if he should be exasperated or in awe. It was times like this he was happy to be a dragon. “Baldness?” Twilight blushed, and muttered behind her hoof. “Alright then.” Spike said when Twilight refused to elaborate further. “Can you think of anything else?” Twilight looked at Spike with wide pleading eyes. “Well, aside from a 1000 year prophecy that’s about to come true,” Spike began, trying out sarcasm just like Princess Flamedragon from the comics, when a look of absolute horror came over Twilight’s face and she interrupted him. “WHAT PROPHECY!?” She demanded, diving for the base of another book skyscraper. This time, it did collapse fully, crashing across blocks of books, toppling other towers, and blocking an 8 lane superhighway, ruining the librarian mices’ commute (Mice that live in the library, not mice that are librarians. They had an agreement. The mice don’t damage the books, and Twilight doesn’t banish them to the netherworld. Spike gave food and water to the mice and the mice played “Ogres and Oubliettes ” with him). Spike dove for cover underneath a desk, as Twilight triumphantly pulled out a book on myths and legends. After making sure that the list was undamaged, and breathing a sign of relief, Spike got out from under the table and began to survey the damage. “I’ll just start getting things cleaned up, I suppose?” Spike grumbled, pulling out a dust apron from a nearby drawer. Twilight, deep in the middle of the book, vaguely waved at him. *** After a few hours, and over 700 apology notes written for the mice once he cleared the traffic jam, Spike stood there, proud of a job well done. “FOUND IT!” Twilight screamed from the center of the room, somehow having accumulated yet another disorganized pile of books despite Spike’s best efforts. “It was in a book about ancient Earth Pony rulers on the edges of Equestia. Queen Regal Queen, better known a Queen Queen the Lazy, swore vengeance against her pastry chefs and their decedents, even if it would take 1000 years! I’ve cross referenced it, and the anniversary is tomorrow! I’ve got to go to Las Pegasus, right now!” Spike started tidying up the books. “How did you find the descendants?” He asked, idly flipping through the ancient books. Prophecy, prophecy, curse, declaration of vengeance, prophecy. Ancient ponies were really bad about checking stuff off their to-do list. Usually, I get everything done within a month or two. “Oh, that far back, there must be tens of thousands that are related to the pastry chefs. I’m going to Las Pegasus to track down the tomb and see if I can break the spell.” Twilight said proudly, then trotted out the door. “Wait, Twilight! About your date!” Spike shouted, his sleep deprived brain finally working. “Who is-” a bang of air rushing to fill a vacuum replied as Twilight teleported. “it… and where… and when...” He sighed. Still, he was mildly awake. “Alright, I’m going to make coffee. Who wants some?” Out from the towers of books, hundreds of small mouse paws waved. “Ok, bring your mugs, I’ll grab my DM supplies, and head to the map room.” A chorus of excited squeaks replied, and the mice rushed to the highways. 20 minutes later, Spike walked into Rarity’s masterwork, struggling a bit under a massive coffee pot. A ballroom where the floor was a scale model of Equus, made out of small tiles dotted with fine gems. At a scale of 1 km to 1 cm, the ballroom was a couple soccer fields long, and was the subject of several lengthy ongoing debates about whether Rarity could have chosen a worse projection for the map. Still, the extreme detail and size made it perfect for “Ogres and Oubliettes” especially with mouse scale models. The mice arranged themselves into their respective nations, Pony, Zebra, Griffin, Dragon, and a few smaller groups, and started to play. The giant pot of coffee steamed gently in the middle of the Ponific Ocean, and the mice lined up with adorable little mugs to fill up, prompting the usual semi-joking about stationing navies to secure the lifeblood of the world for themselves. The leaders headed to Canterlot as Spike put on his long white beard and opened his notebook. “From last time, the Ponies and Zebras are still negotiating over the coal for gems agreement, thought the kidnapping of several dozen Pony citizens on the coal transport off of Roam has prevented substantial progress. The Griffins are undergoing a Grand Diet, seeking unification and more power on the world stage. The Dragon ruler is currently fighting a rebellion, and attempting to reduce immigration out of his lands. Side missions include the expansion of the Zebras into wild territories, the electrification and industrialization of Equestria, Talon company’s ongoing contract with the Dragons, and the marginalization of the traditionally powerful Pegasi and Unicorns. We will now begin.” The room filled with angry squeaks as dozens of heavy negotiations and arguments broke out among the various factions, ceasing only momentarily whenever Spike spoke with the voice of the Goddesses. *** Spike was cooking dinner when Twilight pulled herself through the door, leaving a trail of sand. Nothing too difficult, hayloaf and oats. “How was Las Pegasus?” “mumble mumble mumble.” She moaned into the floor. “Ouch, that bad? What happened?” Twilight lifted her head up and rubbed her eyes. “I spent all day looking for the tomb. Sand got everywhere and in everything.” “Did you find it?” “I don’t know! I searched for any magical signatures that could remain functional for 1000 years, but the only thing I found was an enchanted cake fork that would never get dirty!” “Neat! What did it do to the sand around it?” “It floated above a pile of boiling sand.” “How does that work?” “I DON’T KNOW!” She cried. Then subsided and muttered into her hooves. “Earth pony magic always drives me nuts.” “Well, if Queen Queen the Lazy was an Earth pony, maybe you found her? Why did she curse the pastry chefs anyway?” “Something about demanding that they keep her pastry fork always full.” “And you found a magic cake fork?” “Yes. Useless I know.” “Umm… Twilight, when was the last time you slept?” “Last night? Oh, wait the night before that. I found a book that described the relationship between plants and fungi in lichen, and there was a footnote that led me to a book that talked about how a certain type of lichen in the Everfree forest glowed at night, but the different parts glowed different colors so you could see the interaction with the naked eye, so I went into the forest and I-” Spike took the hayloaf off the oven, and added the grains and greens, and brought it over to the kitchen table. They’d given up on the grand dining room when they’d discovered that the long walk somehow managed to turn soup into solid ice. Probably something to do with the occasional temporal instabilities with the map. Spike still wasn’t willing to carry ice cream past, even though it was the most direct route to his bedroom. Twilight was still talking about the lichen when Spike picked her up and carried her over to the table. He put a fork near her hoof, and then started eating. After a few seconds, Twilight realized that it was dinner and started shoving food into her mouth. They ate in silence, Twilight’s ravenous, Spike’s thinking about what he could do at the next O&O game. Eventually, Twilight spoke up again. “Ok, so you can check the prophecy off the list of threats. I’m going to get started on the next issue.” “Discord induced reality tearing? Or was it spontaneous combustion?” “Oh, I forgot about those! Umm… tomorrow is Yams, and I’ve used a lot of magic digging holes in the desert… so I guess I’ll try to help Applejack get enough water for her farm?” Twilight rubbed her eyes, and slumped against the table. She raised her head a few inches and mumbled “Can you get me a pot of coffee? I’m going to need to figure out how to help the Apples.” “Twilight, I really think you should go to sleep. It’s going to take months for anything to happen to the Apples.” “Yeah… probably.” Twilight slumped back against the table, then bolted upright. “Wait! There was a study on aquifers in the Ponyville area! Um… where was it… Right!” Twilight bolted for the kitchen, heated a pot with magic, and shoved a couple hoof fulls of unground coffee beans inside, and teleported, the usual crack from displaced air coinciding with Spike banging his head against the table. *** “Thanks again for helping.” Spike said the next morning, walking through Maud’s mine, carrying a large basket. “Your welcome. It’s always nice to meet someone else interested in geology.” Maud said in a complete monotone. “Though you should be able to find gems easily in an exposed volcanic thrust like Ponyville.” “Oh, I can sniff them out, but the ones you find taste better for some reason.” “I find them inside impermeable rock, so there’s less exposure to outside contaminates. It’s a skill you can pick up pretty easily.” Maud explained, tapping on the exposed rockface. She tapped around a bit, then hit the rock, easily smashing through the granite. A large emerald popped out and fell onto the ground. “Average example of beryl, small chromium impurity.” Maud said, inspecting the gemstone. “You want it?” “Thanks!” Spike said, licking his snout. He picked it up and put it inside the basket, with a few other gems. They continued along time mine, tapping on occasion, and chatting about various rocks. “What was that?” Spike said eventually, cocking an ear. It was more felt than heard, like a shake through the air. “The noise like a unicorn with wings accidentally sinking a well through bedrock, releasing several cubic meters per second of high pressure water, and being too spun around to teleport to safety?” “Umm… yes. How do you know that?” “It’s a rather distinctive sound.” Maud trotted over to another wall, tapped a few times, then turned around and bucked. A crack formed, ran towards the ground, branching into a small circle in the center of the mine. They stared at the circle for a few seconds, as water started to leak out of the crack. A grinding sound, and it flew into the ceiling, as a wet purple blur followed. Maud reacted instantly, pushing it out of the flow and away from the sharp rocks above. “Twilight!” Spike shouted, dropping the basket and rushing to help her. The pony in question, still watching the tiny birds and stars, shook her head and bolted upright. “Hurry! We need to get out of there! The tunnel is going to flood!” She shouted, pointing at the intense spray of water. Half a second later, a boulder fell out of the ceiling and pushed the plug back into the hole. Twilight and Spike looked at each other, then at Maud, who was inspecting an interesting intrusion of quartz. “I kind of want to see Maud fight Discord in a mine.” Spike whispered to Twilight. “Spike! That’s horrible!” Twilight said reflexively, before thinking about it. There was definitely an allure to the idea. “So… what were you trying to do?” Spike asked after a few seconds. “I found an aquifer running underneath the Apple farm. All I needed to do was cast a well making spell, and they’d have all the water they’d ever need. But when I tried it, it only went for 100 meters, then stopped. So I hopped inside the hole and tried again. And then I did it a third time. Then I hit bedrock, and the spell didn’t work. So, I used a small explosion to break the granite.” Spike’s mouth dropped open. “Wouldn’t that collapse all the dirt above?” “I could just teleport out if that happened.” Twilight said, waving her hoof. “Instead, it worked, but there was a cave in, and I got pushed into the fissure. I think you know the rest.” The two sat there for a few moments. Spike extremely worried, Twilight trying to get the water out of her mane. “Twilight… you really need to rest and get some sleep.” Spike said finally. “Come on Spike, I’m a nigh immortal near deity. A little dirt and water can’t hurt me.” Twilight said, shaking her head again. Either to get water out of her ears or to deny reality. One of the two. “I just need to figure out how to get the water to the Apple farm.” “There’s a spring on the Apples’ land.” Maud said, scaring the two. “I can redirect the water there in a few hours. Just need to clean up some damage to the watershed. Someone thought it would be a good idea to crack the aquifer without testing how much the flow would be.” Maud frowned slightly. “Right! Got it! Bye!” Twilight squeaked, utterly terrified, and teleported out, leaving Spike and Maud alone in the mine. Maud’s features returned to her normal bland expression, and she picked up Spike’s basket. “Ready to keep going?” She said, despite the thick weave. Apparently years of talking around a pick-ax gives marvelous ventriloquistic abilities. Spike nodded, and the two set off again. *** After Spike dropped off the gems back at the castle, he discovered that Twilight had disappeared again. “Ok, so, where did Twilight go?” he asked Owlowiscious. “Who?” Owlowiscious replied. “Twilight? Like the purple pony you work for?” Spike said. “Who?” Owlowiscious replied. “About yea tall, bags under her eyes, horn, wings? Purple coat, darker purple mane, pink stripe?” “Who?” Owlowiscious replied. Spike slapped his forehead, and muttered “never mind.” “Squeak!” One of the librarian mice piped up, as it raced past the door. “Oh, she went Fluttershy to try to deal with Discord?” Spike repeated the mouse’s statement, unnecessarily. “Why didn’t you say so?” he asked Owlowiscious, before running out of the castle. Owlowiscious and the mouse exchanged angry stares. “You know, I used to eat things like you.” Owlowiscious said. “Squeak!” The mouse screamed and ran for the safety of the library. Author's Note I had a lot of fun writing this, so I hope you enjoyed it! Remember, when you're worried about what can go wrong, make sure you think about what is most likely to happen, not what would be the worst thing to happen. https://xkcd.com/761/ The Next Set“Hey Spike!” A familiar voice called as he ran through town. “Oh, hey Rainbow Dash. Have you seen Twilight anywhere?” Spike asked, running in place. “Yep! I’m helping her distribute these fliers for a versus wrestling match between Discord and Maud!” She said, holding one out. “Oh boy…” Spike said, slapping his forehead again. “Look, I think there’s been a massive misunderstanding. Twilight thinks Discord is going to try to destroy the town again, so she’s trying to beat him before he does.” “Ok, what’s the problem?” Rainbow Dash asked slowly, raising an eyebrow in confusion. “She’s gone all paranoid again. Like… really paranoid. I’m not sure why she thinks Discord’s up to something. Well, aside from not sleeping for three days.” “Could Discord have… I don’t know? Made her paranoid?” “Discord making someone paranoid about Discord being up to something? Why would he do that?” “Well, it’s something I’d do if I was bored.” “So, Discord is up to something by making someone paranoid about him up to something? Is that something he would do though? Usually it’s something a little more direct, like inviting a slime monster to a party or something.” “Ugh… My brain hurts and something doesn’t sound like a word anymore. Why don’t we just ask him? You know where he is?” “I think he’s been hanging out with those research students Twilight invited from Canterlot.” “Those eggheads? Why would Discord be spending time with them?” *** “Hello Spike! Ms. Dash.” Discord said warmly from behind a desk, where he was frantically scribbling on a piece of paper. “Discord… why isn’t it raining chocolate milk around here?” Rainbow Dash looked around the room. Slightly faded gray painted walls, normal office furniture, large windows to take advantage of light, boring ponies doing boring things on boring blackboards. Rainbow Dash tried not to look at the blackboards, though. She couldn’t see a single number on it. Discord himself matched the boring office look pretty well, glasses, button up shirt “Don’t you… I don’t know… die if you aren’t around enough chaos?” Discord chuckled. “Oh, but I am creating chaos. Look!” He held up the sheet he was working on. It was covered in neat rows of 0s and 1s. Rainbow Dash stared at the paper. She twisted her head from side to side, staring at the tiny digits. “How is that chaos?” She finally asked. “How it is -? This is perfect chaos!” Discord look affronted for a moment, then relented. “Look, chocolate milk rain clouds are fun, and so is getting rid of gravity, but those aren’t actually that chaotic. When I make chocolate milk rain clouds, I still need a society who can understand chocolate milk, and why having it fall from the sky would be bad. Some tribepony would just enjoy it as a sugary treat. It only works when there’s enough order for it to be weird. And getting rid of gravity everywhere will end anything interesting in about 8 minutes. That’s just cruel. And rocks going in straight lines gets boring after a couple hundred thousand years.” “So, what’s this?” Rainbow Dash poked the sheet. “Well, guess the first digit.” “0” “Lucky guess, what’s the next one?” “1” “And the next?” “1” “... the next?” “1” “… the-” “111010111000010” Discord looked half annoyed, half impressed. “Well, it is supposed to be pure randomness, since each digit gives no information about any of the others in the sequence, but I guess you have the makings of a minor deity of chaos. If you want to begin instruction in how undermine the fabric of reality, give me a call.” “And work with these eggheads? No thanks.” Rainbow Dash said, looking at said ponies clustered around one of the blackboards. “Hey!” One of them shouted, and Rainbow Dash blew a raspberry. Spike picked up the paper and looked it over. “So, what you’re saying is this is pure chaos, because you can’t understand what’s going to happen from what happened?” “Just about. So, what did you need me for? Another player in your O&O session? I can’t wait for the Zebra Pony war.” “Hey, Celestia and the Caesar are trying very hard to avoid it!” Spike said. He still wasn’t 100 percent sure how to deal with a fight between that many players. The rolling alone would take hours. Discord laughed. “You’re talking to the king of chaos! That outcome’s not hard to predict.” “You’re probably right.” Spike said, sighing. “Well, good to hear that you’re enjoying yourself. I’m going to get Rainbow Dash out of here before she starts a fight.” And none too soon. It looked like the eggheads were trying to merge into a mecha-egghead to fight the unbeliever. “Bring it on!” Dash said, standing on her hind hooves and shadowboxing. *** After being kicked out of the building, and the little stars disappeared, Spike and Rainbow Dash put their heads together. “I don’t think Discord is planning anything.” Spike said. “Not with those eggheads around.” Rainbow Dash agreed grumpily. “They’d stop anything that threatens their precious equations.” “Ok, you take those fliers back down, and I’ll try to find Twilight.” “Sounds like a plan.” And the two dashed off. *** Eventually, Spike gave up looking for Twilight and headed back to the castle. It was twilight, the sun slowly sinking behind the mountains, creating a spectacular panorama of nature, farms, and town. The gradual shift as the world turned dark and fireflies started lighting up the air, combined with ponies lighting candles, meant that the burnt orange of the sky was met with a broad scattering of lights over the rolling hills of Ponyville, highlighting the Equestrian ideal of pony working hand in hand with nature, creating bounty for both. But Spike was completely jaded to the view, and only had eyes for his bed. He yawned, opened the front door and immediately slammed into a giant bag of flour. “Wha-?” He muttered, rubbing his forehead. The entire entrance was filled to the ceiling with bags, except for a barely pony sized tunnel left between two of the pony sized sacks. Pulling out his miner’s helmet, thankful that he forgot to leave it behind when he dropped off the gems, Spike carefully started picking his way through, aided by the mesh covered flame. “Twilight!” Spike called out every so often. It was obvious that Twilight had built the tunnels. Only she would leave a packet of several hundred Traveling Salespony solutions at every intersection for various common tasks throughout the castle. Spike wasn’t exactly sure where Twilight was, but considering that apparently the entire castle was filled with flour, it was a pretty sure bet that she wasn’t, and hadn’t been, in her bedroom for a few days. Library was probably out; the last time flour had gotten near the library mice, the Festival of Ten Million Feasts had covered every book in a nearly impossible to remove layer. Kitchen? Well, Spike was hungry anyway, and as good a place to start as any. Spike shrugged and continued walking through the tunnels. “Twilight? Hey Twilight!” Spike shouted as he broke through a cave-in and found himself blinking in the well lit kitchen. It looked like Twilight had been planning on baking a cake, but had gotten distracted. When a unicorn gets distracted while doing something, their telekinesis cuts out. When their telekinesis cuts out, stuff falls. The more powerful the unicorn, the more stuff usually falls. Alicorns are really powerful. The kitchen looked like a bomb went off. There were broken eggs scattered everywhere, oil slicks on the floor, preheating ovens, piles of sugar, flour, baking soda, a fine mist of the same, and cooking implements littered everywhere. In the middle of everything Twilight was staring at a wall, swaying gently. Spike ran over to her, trying not to slip. “Twilight?” “Discord’s nurble pipsqueak next Yucca?” Twilight said after a moment, her eyes unfocused and bloodshot. “Oh boy… this is a bad one.” It wasn’t exactly unheard of for the Princess of Friendship to go on unhealthy caffeine fueled binges tracking down an interesting fact or spell mentioned inside a book, but normally she collapsed from exhaustion before reaching the “unable to communicate” stage of sleep deprivation. “Twilight? Hey, Twilight!” The glassy eyed stare remained, maybe a little twitch in her eye, as Spike started filling up a bucket. “SPIKE!” Twilight shouted, dripping and trying to shake out her mane. “Twilight… remember what we were talking about?” Spike said calmly, putting the bucket back in its assigned place. “You might be functionally immortal, but you also need to take care of yourself.” Twilight’s eyes widened and a look of absolute terror slowly spread over her face. “Yeah, I’m serious. You are-” “Is that a naked flame? AROUND THIS MUCH FLOUR?!” She screamed, ripping the mining helmet, with its alcohol fueled light, off Spike’s head. “FLOUR EXPLODES!” She threw the helmet to the ground and levitated the granite slab that acted as a counter over it, then surrounded them with a force field. When Twilight brought the slab down on the helmet, four things happened really quickly. First, the thin steel mesh cover, which prevented the flame from lighting explosive gases on fire, was breached. Second, the alcohol reservoir burst, spraying nearly aerosolized alcohol into the room, right next to the flame. Third, that spray caught fire, lighting the flour in the air. Fourth, the room exploded. A bright flash, the smell of baked bread, and a loud boom rang out over the countryside, accompanied by irritated ponies looking up for a second, then going back to bed. Back at the castle, after his head stopped shaking from the noise, Spike reconsidered his earlier comparison. What Twilight had wrought was in no way similar to an explosion. Now the room was utterly destroyed. The walls were streaked with burn marks, the neatly organized cabinets were utterly shredded, and the piles on the ground were rubble, not carelessly tossed ingredients. Fortunately, most of the castle had been sheltered from the blast by the massive bags of flour, which had not exploded, somehow. Twilight looked around with satisfaction. “See, that was a major fire hazard!” She pointed to the crushed helmet. “Aww, that was a gift from Pinkie Pie.” Spike muttered. “Wait, why didn’t the rest of the flour explode?” “Oh, Spike, that’s easy. It’s because…” Twilight trailed off and started staring at the same wall. Spike admitted that it was a little more interesting, given the new streaking pattern from the blast. “Focus Twilight.” Spike said, snapping his claws in front of her face. Well, clicking. Not enough friction to actually do a snap, but the effect was the same. Twilight shook her head. “Erm… on what?” She asked after looking around wildly. “Well, for starters, why did you buy all this flour?!” Spike demanded, waving his arms around wildly. “Oh, erm… something about yaks? Umm… it’s on the tip of my tongue.” Twilight started tapping her hoof against her muzzle, then looked down and started running her hoof through the rubble. Then her eyes glazed over and she started staring at the ground. Spike slapped his face and sighed. “We’re going to get nowhere fast are we?” He asked, rhetorically. He was half tempted to send her to Celestia and make it her problem, but he was pretty confident that dragon fire still burnt. No, he had to do it the hard way. Since he couldn’t exactly lead the comatose Twilight through the flour tunnels, he decided to try a bit more direct method. “Wings don’t fail me now.” He muttered as he started stretching, more to delay going through with it than anything else. “Ok, you got it, Spike. You’re looking good, you’re lean, mean, and... keen?” Spike trailed off, then sighed. “Twilight, I hope you’re not as heavy as you look.” He said to the semi-comatose pony. For the first time all night, she focused on him entirely. And her horn started glowing. “Oh dear…” Spike muttered, edging towards the window. *** Rainbow Dash awoke to see Spike buzzing along as fast as his wings could go, while Twilight darted after him firing lasers out of her horn. Dash rubbed her eyes, tried to remember how much cider she had last night, then jumped as a missed blast nearly gave her a new haircut. “What the hay, Twilight?!” Rainbow shouted, flying after the delusional princess. “Spike thingy lying… ARGH!” Twilight screamed, firing another blast. Rainbow Dash tried to parse that for a few seconds, shook her head, and easily overtook the desperate but slow dragon. “So… what’s up with Twilight?” “Twilight…. hasn’t… slept… in… three… days!” The slightly addicted to gems dragon panted out, as the two dodged laser blasts. Rainbow Dash rubbed her muzzle for a second, then nodded. “Alright, one alicorn sleep potion coming up!” She flew off, rapidly disappearing from view inside a cloud bank. Spike turned his head in confusion, breaking his aerodynamic form, and sending him into a tailspin. He started screaming as he plummeted towards the ground. He fell through the cloud cover, disappearing from view. Twilight shouted in victory and aimed another blast, preparing to follow. She dove towards the clouds, when a flash of movement caught her attention. She turned her head, breaking her form and causing her to start to spin. Rainbow Dash chose that moment to strike. Flying up underneath Twilight, she grabbed the pony and went with the spin, torquing Twilight with all the force the trained athlete could muster, flinging her right for the clouds. For a normal unicorn, it wouldn’t really matter, assuming they were one of the most gifted unicorns of their generation. Once they got over the screaming from plummeting several thousand meters, they could teleport to a safe location. The spinning wouldn’t even be that distracting. Twilight wasn’t an average unicorn, despite being one of the most gifted magic users. She hit that cloud like it was a concrete wall, complete with cracks in the cloud and a slight dent. Rainbow Dash let go and checked the suplexed alicorn to make sure she wasn’t dead. Steady pulse, unconsciousness. All good. Spike buzzed up a minute later, still out of breath. “Did… you… what… the… TWILIGHT!” He finally gasped out. “Yep, I call it my Appleloosan Suplex, been working on it for a while. All you do is build a structural cloud a few seconds before slamming them right into it.” She imitated the process, boasting the entire while. “And BAM! Instant knock out anywhere in the skies.” “Twilight are you ok? Talk to me!” Spike said, worried. “Umm… Hello! I’m over here explaining things!” Rainbow Dash said, folding her hooves. “We need to get her to a hospital. This looks bad.” “She’s fine.” Dash said. “It’s a cloud. How much damage could it to? Well, aside from that accident with the Sky Tower. And the Maelstrom Cloud Tornado. And… umm...” Spike ignored the increasingly worried pony, and pulled Twilight out of the cloud, and hurriedly dove towards Ponyville General, where the Mane Six had a room permanently reserved, mostly for Dash. He’d made it maybe 100 meters when said pony caught up and started pushing them from behind. “FASTER DASH!” Spike yelled, pumping his puny wings as fast as they would go. Dash redoubled her efforts and they sped through the air, approaching Sonic Rainboom speeds. Her eyes closed with the effort, she depended on Spike to tell her when to slow down. “AHHH!” Spike screamed as he realized he had absolutely no idea where the ground was at night. Oh. There it was. “Nurse…” groaned Doctor Horse, looking up from his papers at the crash. “I think we have a few patients at the door.” *** “… and then I found all the flour in Equestria in Twilight’s Castle!” A bouncing voice said, as Spike gradually emerged from semi-consciousness. He opened his eyes and squinted against the sunlight. Pretty standard larger hospital room, 7 beds, some personalized touches above the assigned ones. Spike was currently resting in what he thought of as the plus 1. As usual. Crowded in the center was Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and down excitedly, talking with a nurse. “Erm... what?” Spike burbled, not sure if he was confused from a bump to the head, painkillers, or Pinkie’s standard anti-logic field. He looked himself over, no casts, so nothing broken, a few bandages where… things… had cut through his scales, and a few burns on his back. He looked up and nearly added stopped heart to the triage list as Pinkie Pie appeared in front of him. “Oh, HI SPIKE!” She grinned, perched on his bed. A moment later, the springs realized that she was there, and compressed. “Hi Pinkie. How’s the erm… Yak war?” Spike wanted to slap his forehead. How’s the Yak war. Great question, genius. “It’s fine and dandy now that I’ve got the LARGEST CAKE EVER!” Pinkie reared on her hindlegs and spread her forehooves to emphasize what she meant by largest cake ever. “What?” “Oh, the Yaks wanted to declare war and smash everything in Equestria, but they need to bake their war declaration microcupcake, which means they need a specific form of flour only found near Ponyville, which mysteriously disappeared from the Yak war planning vault last night. Incidentally, I had some delicious wagon wheel sized pancakes as a midnight snack. So, I offered to go to Ponyville to pick some up and bring it back, because that’s what friends are for. Accidentally declaring war and then baking a microcupcake to formalize it. So, I hopped on a train all the way back here, but I met Cadence on the way, and she hates trains because they don’t have private booths and she couldn’t concentrate enough to actually teleport and Celestia banned private railcars for royalty after Blueblood’s… thing a few years back, so I chatted with Cadence who said that Twilight was trying to fix the whole war situation, but she didn’t know that the way to apologize for the war ceremony and change it to an alliance ceremony is to build a cake larger than the greatest dreams of any yak and return it before the ceremonial ice eater can finish eating an ice sculptor of the ambassador who made the declaration in the first place. Then the Yaks will bake their microcupcake, respectfully give it to the ruler in question, and smash everything!” Pinkie Pie was turning blue, and took a breath. “So I came here and I saw a lightshow, but it wasn’t actually a lightshow, it was Twilight trying to shoot lasers at someone, and I really need to ask her to do that at my next party, but that stopped, so I dashed to the castle to find you, but I found the most flour I’ve ever seen ever! So, I got Maud to help me carry it to that valley on the Apple’s farm, since there was way too much water coming out of that spring, and the Apple/Pie family turned the valley into giant mixing bowl, which we filled with… well, let’s just say that this party is going to be the last with cake for a while… within about half of Equestria. Discord helped by making it rain chocolate milk again, and this weird fork was really good at boiling water when we shoved it in the ground, so now we have the largest cake EVER! Though it is a taaaad unevenly cooked. And the Yaks are traveling here to celebrate!” Spike’s head spun for a while, but he pulled out his notebook and made a check. “Yak/pony war adverted.” He muttered to himself. “Just the venomous reptiles, left.” “Did someone say venomous reptiles?” A soft voice asked, peaking over Spike’s bed. “Oh, hi Fluttershy, didn’t notice you there.” “I’m used to it.” Fluttershy admitted. Spike felt like someone just shoved an icicle into his chest, but he continued. “Well… Twilight was worried about the venomous reptiles around here. Is there a problem?” “Well, Stanley has been getting older, and he’s finding it hard to slither as well as he used to. I’m trying to get him to move in with a friend over in Appleloosa, since that’s closer to his native habitat, but he says he prefers the grasses here. Sarah’s recovering well, and all her eggs are safe. Nothing that different with Sam, still trying to be the first snake piano player -” “Sorry, Fluttershy, but Twilight was worried about them biting.” “Oh. Oh, no the reptiles around here are such dears. The last time one of them bit someone was when Sophie accidentally bit her tongue a few years ago.” Spike nodded and made another check mark. “Thank you so much Fluttershy.” “It was my pleasure.” And with that the shy pony disappeared. Or at least stopped registering to anypony around her. Even her sigh went unnoticed. Spike put the list safely away inside his bedside cabinet’s drawer, and snuggled into the blankets, easily falling back asleep. *** “SPONTANEOUS BALDNESS!” Twilight screamed, jolting Spike from a nice dream about Ember, some comics, and a pile of gems. The Princess was looking at herself in horror, as a patch of fur, about the size of a cup, was missing from her coat. “Princess Twilight, we’ve talked about this before. It’s not spontaneous. It’s stress induced.” One of the nurses said, softly. “I’M ALWAYS STRESSED. THERE ISN’T A DIFFERENCE FOR ME!” “Well, is there anything that might have made it worse than normal?” Twilight slumped onto the bed. “I don’t think so...” Spike coughed. “What about staying up for three days?” “Well, that’s not too unusual when I get focused on a topic...” “And trying to single-handedly excavate the Las Pegasus desert?” “Well...” “And redirecting the Ponyville water table? And stopping Discord? And stopping a war with the Yaks? All without asking for help?” “Well, I asked for help from Fluttershy for Discord, and Candace was going to help me with the Yaks...” “What did Fluttershy say?” “Umm… that he was reformed and wasn’t planning anything...” “So, what did you do?” “… tried to set up an underground cage match between Maud and Discord.” “And then what did you do?” “I can’t remember. After I set up the cage, it sort of went blank.” “Does buying all the flour in a hundred kilometer radius ring a bell?” “Umm… maybe?” “Twilight… do you remember why you’re in the hospital?” “Something about an evil peon insulting me?” She said, starting to try to hide under the covers. “You tried to attack me and only stopped when Rainbow Dash suplexed you.” Twilight gaped in horror. Then looked around for a few seconds in confusion. “Speaking of which, where is Rainbow Dash?” The nurse, open mouthed at Twilight’s work binge, shook her head and pointed to Rainbow Dash’s bed. “She likes hiding underneath the bed, reading Daring Do books. Something about it helping get her into the adventuring mood?”” “I just need my hat and this would be perfect!” Rainbow Dash’s voice emerged from beneath the bed. Everyone looked at each other for a moment, then shook their heads a bit. “Well, Twilight, I think we can agree that you’ve gone a little too far this time. You really need to stop taking everything on yourself.” The nurse said gently. “Yes, you’re right...” “Well, on the plus side, we finished everything on your list.” Spike said after a few seconds of awkward silence. “Really? Great.” Twilight said, still in a funk. She shook her head and asked “What was it for again?” “Umm… it was to get ready for your date.” “I have a date?!” Twilight bolted upright, and tapped her muzzle as she thought. “Everything’s so blurry... Still... Spike, pull out your notebook, we have a list to make!” And Three Dates“I’m going on a date with Zecora?!” Twilight exclaimed, back at the castle, still wearing a few casts and suspended in a telekinesis field. “Seems like it.” Spike said, looking at the blackboard filled names of potential beings you could meet at 0200 in the Everfree Forest. Not many liked being in and among those trees at the best of times, so it was a pretty short list, made shorter after figuring out Twilight’s average determined but terrified creep and how far she could have gone. Spike scratched his scales, the annoying itch indicating that they were healing. His burns had mostly gone, so he just had a few bandages from the impact. Discord, Daring Do, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and Zecora was the short list. After asking Rainbow Dash, it seemed like Daring Do was undertaking an involved expedition of ancient Zebra ruins hundreds of miles away, and it would probably be hard for her to appear near Ponyville for a quick midnight walk. Discord didn’t have the same limitations, Twilight wasn’t even sure if he couldn’t be in two entirely different places at once, but she was pretty sure that she would have remembered meeting the dracon-equus, and working through the logic if he had enchanted her not to remember the meeting but remember a date instead would rapidly lead to madness. Spike helpfully pointed out that if Twilight had asked out any of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Rarity or Applejack would probably helpfully disembowel the princess, so that wasn’t very likely. And thus… “I can’t be going on a date with Zecora!” Twilight wailed. “What? You’re both interested in… well, she’s interested in alchemy and you’re interested in… everything? Well, you’re probably the only two who would be interested enough in moss to go searching for it in the middle of the night.” “It. Was. Lichen.” Spike folded his arms. “I stand by my point.” Twilight shook her head. “You don’t understand. I can’t go on a date with Zecora. Not I don’t want to. Look, Zebra culture has several levels of -” Spike took the impromptu lecture break to tidy up the room and return the census, crime, and interests sheets to their appropriate filing cabinets. By the time he’d gotten back, Twilight was wrapping up her explanation, pointing enthusiastically to various portions of the board where she’d drawn an impromptu diagram of the relationship between political, social, economic, and cake baking castes in Zebra society. “So, Zecora is not qualified, according to Zebra culture, to date anyone more than 2 deviations above her current social rank, weird hermit in the forest, which would mean the best she could do is mime artist, banjo player, or accountant. As a princess, it would be beyond insulting for me to date her.” Spike looked between the board, Twilight’s wide slightly-twitching eyes, and about 3 chalk stick’s worth of detailed diagrams. He made a decision. “So, where were you planning on taking her? No no no, let me guess, the Manehattan Natural History Museum? I hear they have a new exhibit on the evolution of magical non-flowering shrubs.” “They have a new exhibit on the Equisetum genus?” Twilight said, eyes lighting up. “But I still can’t-” “And in the mail, there’s two tickets to the exhibition, along with a letter asking you to speak to schoolponies to encourage their learning, after the exhibit.” Indecision was playing around Twilight’s face. She wanted to go, so badly. “And it looks like they’re planning on opening an exhibit on Zebra native plants next month. Didn’t you say that you needed to do a deep dive into the subject at some point? And Zecora is probably one of the top experts in the field.” “Spike… are you saying that we could have a... research... date?” “What, me? No. I’m just saying that there’s a museum what wants you there, to teach and study one of your favorite topics, while also working with one of the most knowledgeable ponies – I mean zebras, sorry - in one of her main interests, but you could of course tell Zecora that it’s off and you can spend the next 18 hours helping Pinkie Pie eat unevenly baked cake.” Spike said, nonchalantly waving the two tickets in question. Twilight was practically salivating at the cardboard rectangles, but one thing stopped her from accelerating as quickly as she could. “But I can’t just run off and grab Zecora. She could be doing anything.” Spike was prepared for this. Magical letter sending was an underutilized talent. “Hello, what is this? Do I sense something amiss?” A slightly accented rhyming couplet floated down the hallway. “Zecora!” Twilight’s face broke into a grin, and she zoomed for the hallway, thankfully cleared of the flour now in Pinkie Pie’s cake. “Twilight what happened to you? It looks like quite a snafu” “Oh, this? It’s nothing. Would you like to go to the new exhibit in the Manehattan Natural History Museum? If that’s alright with you?” “That sounds simply grand, I love to know more about this land. But isn’t Manehattan far away? I’m only packed for the day.” “It’ll be fine, we can teleport!” “Twilight, slow down, wait a few. I’m worried that I’ll sp-” Another bang of in rushing air and Twilight was in Manehattan. Spike let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Giving Twilight the run around wasn’t exactly easy. With her attention to detail, the smallest thing could cause everything to fall apart. Still, that surprise party with Pinkie had been a useful learning experience, even if the accidental clues had led Twilight to suspect a revolt against the Crown. This time the stakes were a little higher… *** “I’ve called you all here for one very specific reason.” Spike said to the room at large, wearing a mustache and a blowing through a bubble pipe. “To stop Twilight from going insane and trying to kill me!” He put both hands on the head of the table, looking at the assembled ponies. They all had expressions ranging from distraught to angry. “And trying to flood mah farm.” “And flaking on a cage match between Discord and Maud!” “Discord could have gotten hurt!” “Discord?! Maud could have gotten hurt!” “Now now girls, I will admit that Twilight has been a little erratic, but she just wants the best. We shouldn’t be talking behind her back like this.” “What Twilight should want is more sleep. Instead she spends all her time running all over Equestria because the other princesses… I don’t know, have something approaching a work life balance? At least Celestia and Luna switch off every 12 hours, and Candace… has stress relief activities. Twilight tries to do everything. All the time.” “What are you talking about? Doubling Twilight? Because the last time someone tried that...” Pinkie Pie slumped in her chair, nearly bought to tears by the memory. “No, no, no. She’d probably end up creating an army and attempt to enforce proper organization on the world. But we need something, anything, that takes some of the load off.” “Are you asking us to step up? Because I don’t think any of us can do much more to help.” Rarity said. “Ah’ve opened four new fields this year.” “The animal shelter needs so much love and care.” “I’m touring three continents.” “Umm… where’s Pinkie Pie?” Spike asked, looking to her seat. The out of breath pony burst through the door. “Sorry, I need to switch cakes out of the oven every 23 minutes or I’ll get behind. Also, I’ve figured out a flourless cake, so party crisis adverted! What were you saying?” “And I’m stuck keeping the castle in order.” The five ponies glared at him. “What? It’s not like I can… hire… a housekeeper...” Spike trailed off, then darted to the chalkboard that Twilight mandated be installed in every room. Just in case she had a thought that needed to be written down. “That’s it!” “What? A housekeeper? What are you talking about?” Pinkie Pie asked, confused. “I can just hire a housekeeper. And an archaeologist. And somepony to check up on Discord. And somepony to manage the watershed. Twilight’s a princess!” “Yes, so?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Well, does Celestia personally direct traffic in Canterlot?” “Well, duh, she has the guards do that.” Pinkie Pie said. “So, why can’t Twilight do the same?” “What? Ask Celestia for a batch of those unclothed ruffians?” Rarity asked, before blushing as everyone stared at her. “I forget that you weren’t at the Maripony military base fashion show. Their fatigues were simply dreadful and their manes… don’t get me started.” “I wasn’t thinking guards, but why can’t Twilight hire everyone she needs to keep Equestria safe? Then she’d only need to go out when something really bad happens.” “Like Discord?” said Applejack. “Like Sombra?” said Rainbow Dash. “And the Pony of Shadows?” quavered Fluttershy. “Queen Chrysalis?” said Rarity. “I’m surprised that we haven’t seen the windigos.” confessed Pinkie Pie. “Ok, there have been a lot of really bad things, but she doesn’t need to spend all day digging holes in the desert to see if there’s a catastrophe that might be coming up.” “So… Twilight should start her own private guard company? Fighting the foul first for a fee?” Rarity asked sarcastically. “Well, she’s a princess, so I guess it would be a Ministry?” Spike replied. “Bureaucracy?” Fluttershy asked. “Agency?” Pinkie Pie wondered. “Collective?” Applejack interjected. “… I have no idea what any of you are saying.” Rainbow Dash confessed, head in hooves. “Twilight’s been a princess, but she doesn’t have anyone to lead. Except us five.” Rarity replied. “Ahem.” “Six, of course. Sorry Spike.” “Exactly! And I think I know exactly how to fix it.” Spike exclaimed. The discussion went on through much of the night, and consumed multiple chalkboards with ideas, revisions, and corrections, as well as many letters sent to various important ponies. *** “I had a great time, we’ve got to do something soon! Bye!” Twilight sang out as she trotted through the door. Or at least levitated her casts in such a way that they appeared to be jauntily trotting without actually touching the ground. “Oh, hi everyone. What’s up?” Five ponies, and one dragon, were arrayed around a mobile blackboard. “Ready?” Spike asked, pulling out a tuning whistle and a top hat, still wearing his mustache and pipe. “No! no… no. It’s too late and I’ve done three songs about learning. Trying to figure out a rhyme on fly for Equisetum hyemale… was actually pretty easy, but splitting attention between levitation and singing gave me a headache.” Twilight said, facehoofing. “Awww...” Everyone else said as one. After a few seconds, Spike, still wearing the top hat, coughed and said “Well, we think we found a solution to your stress induced baldness.” Twilight’s attention focused to a razor’s edge, while Rarity gasped. “Oh Twilight, I didn’t realize this was such a trial for you. Spike, we simply must scrap the plan. I will make more hours in the day if Twilight is going through such horrors and I can help.” “She tried to kill me, but that’s the limit?” Spike muttered underneath his breath. “Well, let’s at least show her it before throwing everything out.” He flipped the blackboard over. “We went through all of our adventures and tried to pick out general themes, then applied that to an bureaucratic structure, so it ought to be able to solve most of the crises that happen in Equestria, without your direct involvement.” Spike continued. On the board was a simple organizational chart that hid a deep complexity. From Twilight were a number of direct subordinates who would oversee Magical Research, Exploration, Inter-species Relations, Pony Affairs, and Awesomeness. Awesomeness was a bit of a black box, but Rainbow Dash had very definite sound-effect-filled ideas on what exactly it would do. Twilight’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What?” “Twilight, dear, you need to cut back a tinsy bit on the whole saving Equestria thing.” “But Equestria is always in danger!” “This should help it, without making you stay awake for 3 days until your crash into a hillside.” Rainbow Dash replied, not meeting Twilight’s gaze. “You’re replacing me?!” “What? No! We’re just trying to keep you sane.” Spike replied, desperately. Twilight glared at the six in front of her, eyes twitching, horn randomly sparking, wings flared. She was confused, angry, and hurt. “Ugh… I’m going to sleep after a bit of light reading. Bother me in the morning.” Twilight sulked out, heading for her bedroom. “Do you think it worked?” Fluttershy asked after a moment. “Well, she took the blackboard with her.” Said blackboard banging its way up the stairs could still be heard when the six took their leave. *** Spike yawned and rubbed his eyes as he walked through the door. “Oh, not again.” He groaned as he spotted a frazzle haired pony mainlining coffee. “Spike! Great to see you.” Twilight bared her teeth, forcing a smile that didn’t touch her eyes. “Hi Twilight. Get much sleep last night?” “No, got distracted by the agency idea. You all put a lot of thought into it.” “Yes…?” Spike trailed off, not sure where she was going. “And I’ve decided that I’ll do it. We just need to make a few adjustments. I think the third undersecretary’s duties are already covered by the...” Spike tuned out the prattling pony and started preparing pancakes. “... Oh, and you’ll be getting a promotion.” “Eh, wha?” Spike said, turning in confusion while flipping said pancakes. One flipped onto the burner and started smoking. “Yes, you’re going to be promoted from my number one assistant to my personal assistant!” “Er, wha?” Spike said, confused. “A personal assistant is somepony who manages another pony’s schedule and makes sure that they’re where and doing what they’re supposed to.” “But I do that anyway?” “Yes, but now we’ll be hiring a cook and a housekeeper and… well, I think I’ve been overworking you.” “But I like cooking.” The confused dragon protested. Twilight sighed, and thought for a moment. “Spike, I’m putting you in charge of making sure that I get enough sleep.” She finally settled on. “Didn’t we already try that and it was a disaster?” “Well, not entirely a disaster. And it’s not during a major conference. I just want you to swing by my room before you go to sleep to make sure that I’m not shoulder deep in books.” “So, do what I’m trying to do now, but now it’s my only job?” “Just about?” “Good. Now, Twilight, go to sleep!” “What?! But I just drank a gallon of coffee.” Twilight whined. “No excuses! You need to get some sleep!” Grumbling, Twilight walked off to bed. Then Spike started writing some letters. He was pretty sure that Twilight would change her mind by tomorrow, so he needed to get somethings in motion while her judgment was sleep impaired, if correct. *** “SPIKE!” Twilight roared, bursting through his door. “Who are all these ponies?” Her wings were raised in a territorial display, and random sparks were coming out of her horn. “Erm… what? Ponies? What time is it?” Spike mumbled, rubbing his eyes and looking out the window. The moon was still high, which was actually a useful denoter of time, due to Luna’s interference, rather than something that circled the planet completely unrelated to the solar day. “You heard me! In the library! Now!” She teleported away again, not even attempting to reduce the bang from the in rushing air. Spike sighed and got out from under his covers, and started the walk to the library. *** When Spike reached the library, Twilight was packing back and forth, muttering underneath her breath. “Of all the stupid schemes… how could he… how could they….” “Umm, Twilight?” Spike said, resisting the urge to hide behind a book tower. “Spike, would you mind explaining why THE CASTLE IS FILLED WITH PONIES I DON’T KNOW?!” She shouted, the sparks coming from her horn redoubling. “Well, you see, Twilight...” “Because this is my castle and I am the princess, so I should know who is inside my castle, rooting in my library, moving my books, knocking on my door in the middle of the night.” “They’re your staff!” Spike said desperately. “Oh, they’re my staff. Who vetted them, pray tell? Who did the job interviews? Who put out the job advertisements?” “Umm, a lot of ponies actually.” “More of my staff? Ponies working for me. Behind. My. Back?” “Look, I get why you’re angry-” “Oh, I’m not angry, I’m livid. I give you an inch and you took a mile. How could you?” Twilight’s angry face gained about 20% hurt, turning it into a sad, hurt, angry face. “I just wanted to help.” “But it was my organization! I wanted to set it up my way!” Twilight wailed. “Wait… that’s what you’re angry about?” “Along with them moving in while I was asleep? And you planning it behind my back? Yes. That’s a major part.” “Well, to be honest, it wasn’t entirely me. Celestia, Luna, and Candace planned a lot of it. I just kept it coordinated.” Twilight froze mid-stride. “The other princesses did it?” “Well, yeah. They’re the experts. Why wouldn’t they do it?” “But I thought… you seemed… and my friends? Eyegh?” “Wait? You thought I could create an entire government organization while you were asleep? Twilight, I’m touched, but I can barely keep my geopolitical simulation working. And that’s mostly just providing coffee.” “How is mini-Twilight doing, by the way?” “She didn’t roll into alicorn, so she’s mostly attempting to fix friendship problems while Celestia negotiates on the world stage. Seems to be enjoying it.” Twilight shook her head and refocused “But the Department of Awesomeness?” “Well, I asked your friends to help me mold it to you, and that was Rainbow Dash’s first demand. Bakeries on every floor and tasteful curtains were Pinkie’s and Rarity’s.” Twilight slumped against the floor. “I’m a terrible… whatever our relationship is.” Spike shook his head and made parish-the-thought noises as rebellious thoughts pushed against his snout. Twilight blinked a few times, and slowly got to her hooves. “Well, might as well meet the department heads.” She started walking off. “Umm… Twilight? I’m still your personal assistant, right?” “Of course! I can think of no better position.” Twilight said, pausing at the door. Spike took a deep breath and said something he’d wanted to for years. “Then we’re going back to bed. It’s after midnight, and everyone else is asleep. I will wake you in time to get ready for normal government hours.” Spike was positively giddy, he’d be able to sleep in hours later than normal by that standard! Twilight’s eyes narrowed, but she curtly nodded and teleported out. Spike turned on his heel, then sighed. There was no way that Twilight wasn’t reading something. He turned back around, made the trek to her room, took a book away from the protesting pony, turned the lights out on the pouting princess, and plopped onto his poofy pile of pillows. *** A few weeks later, Twilight had another date. “Ok everypony, let’s get the final reports. Any sign of Discord induced reality tearing?” A small unicorn shuffled some notes and adjusted her glasses. “None detected, he appears to be channeling all his chaos into generating random numbers.” “Good, forecast team?” “Ponyville’s indicators are fairly normal, aside from what I’ve previously reported. Any sudden crashes are unlikely.” A pony with a green arrow pointing up on his flank said. “Alright, keep monitoring. Inter-species relations?” “Ambassador Pinkie reports the Yaks have decided to level a mountain. They’ll be occupied for a while. None of the other ambassadors report anything significant.” “Excellent. Put the report of which mountain on my desk. Spike?” “You’re rested and looking better than ever!” A number of the department heads rolled their eyes at the flattery. “Thanks, Spike. Alright, everypony, you’re dismissed.” The heads of Twilight’s various departments shuffled out of the room, as Twilight organized some papers and did some last minute filing. It wasn’t long before it was cleaned to her satisfaction, and she left, with Spike in tow. “Stylist?” “Waiting in the salon” “Dinner reservation?” “Made.” “Fireworks installed and inspected?” “Yes.” “Library under heavy guard and teleportation blocks erected?” “You’re not accidentally spending the evening doing research.” Spike assured the princess. “Good.” Twilight paused and said “This was a lot less stressful than the last time I tried to plan a date. Thanks for making me do this whole government department thing...” She still looked apologetic, despite this being the ninth or tenth time she’d thanked him. “Your welcome, now go get ready. You’re pushing into your buffer time.” With a yelp, Twilight trotted away, and Spike was free to being his own preparations. *** “So, yeah, life’s been a little hectic for me. How’s the whole ‘absolute ruler of the dragons’ thing?” “… let me get this straight, an alicorn, a being capable of moving the sun and moon, laying waste to entire regions, and singlehandedly establishing ponies as the dominant species on the planet, tried to kill you, so you got the other alicorns to distract her with leading a government agency? And this somehow allowed you to spend more time napping?” “Yes! Among other things.” “… nice.” Ember said, appreciative of the manipulation. Not a common dragon trait, but you couldn’t argue with results. “And I’m not really the ‘absolute ruler.’” Ember continued, making talon quotes. “Dragons only listen when they’re being clubbed with something heavy.” “Is that why you carry a giant mace everywhere? And why it’s dented?” “The Bloodstone Scepter? No. Definitely not. It’s totally not the only way I can enforce my will upon the peons.” The two dragons lay back, enjoying the stars. They’d met up at Twilight’’s castle and joined in Spike’s Ogres and Oubliettes game,where Ember had led the Dragons to a crushing victory over the rebels, consolidating her father’s rule over the Dragon Lands, and terrifying the mice. Then they’d had an enjoyable meal of gems, at Café du Maud, along with a live comedy routine. Ember was amazed at the sheer quantity of igneous jokes. She felt that they were rock solid. Spike groaned at the pun, but admitted that it was better than Mohs of what they were seeing. On a scale of 1 to 10, the comedy rated as talc. Swapping puns and jokes, they giggled their way through the rest of the show. Still, the gems were divine, Ember liked talking about her land (Maud always complained about the lack of igneous formations within Equestria), and Maud’s grotto, with it’s carefully selected examples of Equestrian gems and natural rock formations, was in a class of it’s own. Now, the two were relaxing on a hill overlooking Ponyville, waiting for Twilight’s romantic fireworks display at the end of the night, just shooting the coprolite. “Hey, I think it’s starting!” Spike said, sitting up excitedly. He peered into the darkness, and saw an excited unicorn with wings lit up on a nearby hill. She was prancing around a bunch of boxes, her horn sparking. “Huh, guess she had a good date.” Twilight engulfed the boxes in her magic, rearranging the display, and searching for a fuse. In her excitement, her horn was spewing a fine stream of sparks, in addition to its usual glow. “That’s weird...” Spike trailed off, trying to see further by putting his hands around his eyes. “What?” Ember asked, getting up and looking in the same direction. “I don’t know. It’s like Twilight’s not in as control of her magic as usual.” Twilight put the crates down, and pulled out a diagram. The stream of sparks increasing to a flood. “Seems controlled enough. She’s not shredding the paper or anything.” Ember stared at Spike for a moment, followed his example with her claws, and realized that it did block out a fair amount of the light pollution from Ponyville off to the side. “… yeah, but those sparks.” Finally, it looked like Twilight was satisfied, and she put everything down. The flood of sparks cut off suddenly, and she stepped back and gathered the energy for a laser blast. Her horn glowed, and then the glow surged, encompassing her entire head as she shot the beam. The fireworks caught, and started to shoot off in their predetermined sequence. Around the two dragons, earth ponies and unicorns oohed and aahed. The flyers, molded by evolution to be able to see potential prey on the ground (mainly the rare and difficult to spot Pegasus Nip, long held as essential in Pegasus mating rituals; and small meat filled creatures in the case of dragons) were distracted by the sudden bloom of fire on the hill. “Did…” Spike began, peering again. “I think so.” Ember replied, doing the same. “AHHHH!” A burning comet streaked by, as Twilight Sparkle realized that she hadn’t been using enough magic to avoid spontaneous combustion and accidentally set her mane on fire. “Twilight!” Spike shouted, leaping up to help the burning princess, but Ember caught him before he’d gotten into the air. “No, no, no. She’s a princess with a very large staff. She can take care of herself.” Ember said, sitting back down, and pulling the smaller dragon with her. The two nestled together, watching the explosions as a flock of pegasi took off and chased after their ruler, followed by a confused galloping zebra. “I had a really good time tonight.” Spike confessed, watching the multicolored fire blooms. “The night’s not over,” Ember teased. “You never know, it might get better.” Off in the distance, Twilight careened into a lake, and endured the awkward transition from terrified concern to relieved laughter, as they discovered the cause and that the only thing that was hurt was Twilight’s pride and mane-do. Closer at hand, Spike and Ember cuddled together, and the night did get better for them. Author's Note Well, this was a fun story to write. Thanks for sticking through and reading it!
The First Few Problems“SPIKE! I HAVE A DATE!” Twilight squealed as she slammed his door open, causing him to jump awake. Well, mostly awake. “Erm… what? Date? What time is it?” Spike said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “A couple hours before sunrise, but that’s not important. I have a date!” Twilight’s smile couldn’t get any wider, and her wings were sticking straight out. Spike, on the other hand, rubbed his temples and looked blearily at the excited princess. “A couple hours before sunrise? Can I go back to sleep?” Spike moaned, knowing the answer. “No! We have a lot to plan for! Grab a pen and meet me in the library.” And with that, she teleported out, and left Spike wondering if she had teleported to the other side of the door specifically so she could slam it open. *** A few minutes later, Spike entered the library and accidentally dislodged a key support book in a book skyscraper, instantly overcoming the lingering sleep deprivation. Spike lunged to put it back as the magically assembled tower started to sway, but it was too late, and the books started to fall. “No!” Spike cried. He wasn’t as much of a bibliophile as Twilight, but another book avalanche wasn’t good for anyone. It has taken days to get all the binder’s glue off his scales the last time, and Twilight had held three funerals for books damaged beyond repair. As Spike cowered, Twilight glanced over and caught the books in a telekinetic web. “Thanks Spike, I was looking for that book on Eastern poisonous reptiles.” She said, automatically reassembling the tower, and levitating the book in question out of Spike’s claws. “Erm… eastern poisonous reptiles?” Spike asked, taking his customary place by the blackboard at the front of the room. “Yes! I’m assembling a list of things that could ruin our date, and being attacked by a venomous snake is number… seven.” She said, running her eyes over a pile of books. “Only seven? What’s higher?” Spike said, starting a list on the board and a backup list on a piece of paper. Owlowiscious, who was still awake, was keeping a third list. It was all part of Twilight’s anti-interruption plan. Armored and barred library, fire extinguishing spell, list on the blackboard, backup list in case of wind or water related damage to the primary, and a backup backup inside Owlowiscious’s nest, which was water and wind proof. After he finished the backup list, Spike would send it to Celestia, where would be stored in the Royal Treasury. Spike occasionally had nightmares about what precautions Twilight would take if a list actually did get damaged. Still, he was Twilight’s number one assistant, so he was more than ready to take notes. Regardless of how convoluted the process was. Twilight tore her eyes away from the Lesser Greater Spotted Striped Dancing Smiler, the third most poisonous snake in Manehattan, and levitated the pile around her head. Rubbing her muzzle, she looked at the book titles, trying to remember. “… Spontaneous combustion, Discord induced reality tearing, economic depression, angry yaks, and spontaneous baldness.” Spike finished writing them down and stepped back. He looked at the issues in question, then at Twilight’s frantic reading, making sure that she had gotten all of them. After a few seconds of hopping back and forth, he opened his mouth. “Umm… Twilight, these are what you’re worried about before a date?’ She paused for a moment, brushed her mane back into place and leapt up. “Of course! Spontaneous combustion is always a threat to an alicorn, I’ve haven’t been using up magic fast enough! Discord always gets bored on days ending in ‘Y.’ Thank Celestia he added Yams and Yucca to the middle of the week.” She paused for a moment, then darted over to a calendar, carefully crossing out two words and replacing them. Dashing back to the blackboard, she pointed to the next one on the list. “Since Rainbow Dash did her tour over in Roam, and Bulk Biceps has been doing his… thing, rain is 2% less than normal for this time of year. Applejack is worried about the apple crop. And the Apples are the most productive farm in the region. We have three boutiques, several pastry shops, an animal sanctuary, and the tourism industry! Without the Apple farm, and the largest apple cider distillery this side of the Applechians, Ponyville is doomed!” “And the Yaks?” “Pinkie Pie accidentally declared war on the Yaks. Turns out that jumping in place in a counterclockwise direction while it’s snowing and eating a cupcake is how the Yaks declare war. Apparently Derpy was late with her muffin delivery and Pinkie Pie made the best of it with a brown sugar cupcake during breakfast. Candace should take care of it soon, but apparently she and Shining Armor wanted another child. He only just got out of the hospital... yesterday? Yes yesterday afternoon, so she’s been distracted.” Spike looked up, not sure if he should be exasperated or in awe. It was times like this he was happy to be a dragon. “Baldness?” Twilight blushed, and muttered behind her hoof. “Alright then.” Spike said when Twilight refused to elaborate further. “Can you think of anything else?” Twilight looked at Spike with wide pleading eyes. “Well, aside from a 1000 year prophecy that’s about to come true,” Spike began, trying out sarcasm just like Princess Flamedragon from the comics, when a look of absolute horror came over Twilight’s face and she interrupted him. “WHAT PROPHECY!?” She demanded, diving for the base of another book skyscraper. This time, it did collapse fully, crashing across blocks of books, toppling other towers, and blocking an 8 lane superhighway, ruining the librarian mices’ commute (Mice that live in the library, not mice that are librarians. They had an agreement. The mice don’t damage the books, and Twilight doesn’t banish them to the netherworld. Spike gave food and water to the mice and the mice played “Ogres and Oubliettes ” with him). Spike dove for cover underneath a desk, as Twilight triumphantly pulled out a book on myths and legends. After making sure that the list was undamaged, and breathing a sign of relief, Spike got out from under the table and began to survey the damage. “I’ll just start getting things cleaned up, I suppose?” Spike grumbled, pulling out a dust apron from a nearby drawer. Twilight, deep in the middle of the book, vaguely waved at him. *** After a few hours, and over 700 apology notes written for the mice once he cleared the traffic jam, Spike stood there, proud of a job well done. “FOUND IT!” Twilight screamed from the center of the room, somehow having accumulated yet another disorganized pile of books despite Spike’s best efforts. “It was in a book about ancient Earth Pony rulers on the edges of Equestia. Queen Regal Queen, better known a Queen Queen the Lazy, swore vengeance against her pastry chefs and their decedents, even if it would take 1000 years! I’ve cross referenced it, and the anniversary is tomorrow! I’ve got to go to Las Pegasus, right now!” Spike started tidying up the books. “How did you find the descendants?” He asked, idly flipping through the ancient books. Prophecy, prophecy, curse, declaration of vengeance, prophecy. Ancient ponies were really bad about checking stuff off their to-do list. Usually, I get everything done within a month or two. “Oh, that far back, there must be tens of thousands that are related to the pastry chefs. I’m going to Las Pegasus to track down the tomb and see if I can break the spell.” Twilight said proudly, then trotted out the door. “Wait, Twilight! About your date!” Spike shouted, his sleep deprived brain finally working. “Who is-” a bang of air rushing to fill a vacuum replied as Twilight teleported. “it… and where… and when...” He sighed. Still, he was mildly awake. “Alright, I’m going to make coffee. Who wants some?” Out from the towers of books, hundreds of small mouse paws waved. “Ok, bring your mugs, I’ll grab my DM supplies, and head to the map room.” A chorus of excited squeaks replied, and the mice rushed to the highways. 20 minutes later, Spike walked into Rarity’s masterwork, struggling a bit under a massive coffee pot. A ballroom where the floor was a scale model of Equus, made out of small tiles dotted with fine gems. At a scale of 1 km to 1 cm, the ballroom was a couple soccer fields long, and was the subject of several lengthy ongoing debates about whether Rarity could have chosen a worse projection for the map. Still, the extreme detail and size made it perfect for “Ogres and Oubliettes” especially with mouse scale models. The mice arranged themselves into their respective nations, Pony, Zebra, Griffin, Dragon, and a few smaller groups, and started to play. The giant pot of coffee steamed gently in the middle of the Ponific Ocean, and the mice lined up with adorable little mugs to fill up, prompting the usual semi-joking about stationing navies to secure the lifeblood of the world for themselves. The leaders headed to Canterlot as Spike put on his long white beard and opened his notebook. “From last time, the Ponies and Zebras are still negotiating over the coal for gems agreement, thought the kidnapping of several dozen Pony citizens on the coal transport off of Roam has prevented substantial progress. The Griffins are undergoing a Grand Diet, seeking unification and more power on the world stage. The Dragon ruler is currently fighting a rebellion, and attempting to reduce immigration out of his lands. Side missions include the expansion of the Zebras into wild territories, the electrification and industrialization of Equestria, Talon company’s ongoing contract with the Dragons, and the marginalization of the traditionally powerful Pegasi and Unicorns. We will now begin.” The room filled with angry squeaks as dozens of heavy negotiations and arguments broke out among the various factions, ceasing only momentarily whenever Spike spoke with the voice of the Goddesses. *** Spike was cooking dinner when Twilight pulled herself through the door, leaving a trail of sand. Nothing too difficult, hayloaf and oats. “How was Las Pegasus?” “mumble mumble mumble.” She moaned into the floor. “Ouch, that bad? What happened?” Twilight lifted her head up and rubbed her eyes. “I spent all day looking for the tomb. Sand got everywhere and in everything.” “Did you find it?” “I don’t know! I searched for any magical signatures that could remain functional for 1000 years, but the only thing I found was an enchanted cake fork that would never get dirty!” “Neat! What did it do to the sand around it?” “It floated above a pile of boiling sand.” “How does that work?” “I DON’T KNOW!” She cried. Then subsided and muttered into her hooves. “Earth pony magic always drives me nuts.” “Well, if Queen Queen the Lazy was an Earth pony, maybe you found her? Why did she curse the pastry chefs anyway?” “Something about demanding that they keep her pastry fork always full.” “And you found a magic cake fork?” “Yes. Useless I know.” “Umm… Twilight, when was the last time you slept?” “Last night? Oh, wait the night before that. I found a book that described the relationship between plants and fungi in lichen, and there was a footnote that led me to a book that talked about how a certain type of lichen in the Everfree forest glowed at night, but the different parts glowed different colors so you could see the interaction with the naked eye, so I went into the forest and I-” Spike took the hayloaf off the oven, and added the grains and greens, and brought it over to the kitchen table. They’d given up on the grand dining room when they’d discovered that the long walk somehow managed to turn soup into solid ice. Probably something to do with the occasional temporal instabilities with the map. Spike still wasn’t willing to carry ice cream past, even though it was the most direct route to his bedroom. Twilight was still talking about the lichen when Spike picked her up and carried her over to the table. He put a fork near her hoof, and then started eating. After a few seconds, Twilight realized that it was dinner and started shoving food into her mouth. They ate in silence, Twilight’s ravenous, Spike’s thinking about what he could do at the next O&O game. Eventually, Twilight spoke up again. “Ok, so you can check the prophecy off the list of threats. I’m going to get started on the next issue.” “Discord induced reality tearing? Or was it spontaneous combustion?” “Oh, I forgot about those! Umm… tomorrow is Yams, and I’ve used a lot of magic digging holes in the desert… so I guess I’ll try to help Applejack get enough water for her farm?” Twilight rubbed her eyes, and slumped against the table. She raised her head a few inches and mumbled “Can you get me a pot of coffee? I’m going to need to figure out how to help the Apples.” “Twilight, I really think you should go to sleep. It’s going to take months for anything to happen to the Apples.” “Yeah… probably.” Twilight slumped back against the table, then bolted upright. “Wait! There was a study on aquifers in the Ponyville area! Um… where was it… Right!” Twilight bolted for the kitchen, heated a pot with magic, and shoved a couple hoof fulls of unground coffee beans inside, and teleported, the usual crack from displaced air coinciding with Spike banging his head against the table. *** “Thanks again for helping.” Spike said the next morning, walking through Maud’s mine, carrying a large basket. “Your welcome. It’s always nice to meet someone else interested in geology.” Maud said in a complete monotone. “Though you should be able to find gems easily in an exposed volcanic thrust like Ponyville.” “Oh, I can sniff them out, but the ones you find taste better for some reason.” “I find them inside impermeable rock, so there’s less exposure to outside contaminates. It’s a skill you can pick up pretty easily.” Maud explained, tapping on the exposed rockface. She tapped around a bit, then hit the rock, easily smashing through the granite. A large emerald popped out and fell onto the ground. “Average example of beryl, small chromium impurity.” Maud said, inspecting the gemstone. “You want it?” “Thanks!” Spike said, licking his snout. He picked it up and put it inside the basket, with a few other gems. They continued along time mine, tapping on occasion, and chatting about various rocks. “What was that?” Spike said eventually, cocking an ear. It was more felt than heard, like a shake through the air. “The noise like a unicorn with wings accidentally sinking a well through bedrock, releasing several cubic meters per second of high pressure water, and being too spun around to teleport to safety?” “Umm… yes. How do you know that?” “It’s a rather distinctive sound.” Maud trotted over to another wall, tapped a few times, then turned around and bucked. A crack formed, ran towards the ground, branching into a small circle in the center of the mine. They stared at the circle for a few seconds, as water started to leak out of the crack. A grinding sound, and it flew into the ceiling, as a wet purple blur followed. Maud reacted instantly, pushing it out of the flow and away from the sharp rocks above. “Twilight!” Spike shouted, dropping the basket and rushing to help her. The pony in question, still watching the tiny birds and stars, shook her head and bolted upright. “Hurry! We need to get out of there! The tunnel is going to flood!” She shouted, pointing at the intense spray of water. Half a second later, a boulder fell out of the ceiling and pushed the plug back into the hole. Twilight and Spike looked at each other, then at Maud, who was inspecting an interesting intrusion of quartz. “I kind of want to see Maud fight Discord in a mine.” Spike whispered to Twilight. “Spike! That’s horrible!” Twilight said reflexively, before thinking about it. There was definitely an allure to the idea. “So… what were you trying to do?” Spike asked after a few seconds. “I found an aquifer running underneath the Apple farm. All I needed to do was cast a well making spell, and they’d have all the water they’d ever need. But when I tried it, it only went for 100 meters, then stopped. So I hopped inside the hole and tried again. And then I did it a third time. Then I hit bedrock, and the spell didn’t work. So, I used a small explosion to break the granite.” Spike’s mouth dropped open. “Wouldn’t that collapse all the dirt above?” “I could just teleport out if that happened.” Twilight said, waving her hoof. “Instead, it worked, but there was a cave in, and I got pushed into the fissure. I think you know the rest.” The two sat there for a few moments. Spike extremely worried, Twilight trying to get the water out of her mane. “Twilight… you really need to rest and get some sleep.” Spike said finally. “Come on Spike, I’m a nigh immortal near deity. A little dirt and water can’t hurt me.” Twilight said, shaking her head again. Either to get water out of her ears or to deny reality. One of the two. “I just need to figure out how to get the water to the Apple farm.” “There’s a spring on the Apples’ land.” Maud said, scaring the two. “I can redirect the water there in a few hours. Just need to clean up some damage to the watershed. Someone thought it would be a good idea to crack the aquifer without testing how much the flow would be.” Maud frowned slightly. “Right! Got it! Bye!” Twilight squeaked, utterly terrified, and teleported out, leaving Spike and Maud alone in the mine. Maud’s features returned to her normal bland expression, and she picked up Spike’s basket. “Ready to keep going?” She said, despite the thick weave. Apparently years of talking around a pick-ax gives marvelous ventriloquistic abilities. Spike nodded, and the two set off again. *** After Spike dropped off the gems back at the castle, he discovered that Twilight had disappeared again. “Ok, so, where did Twilight go?” he asked Owlowiscious. “Who?” Owlowiscious replied. “Twilight? Like the purple pony you work for?” Spike said. “Who?” Owlowiscious replied. “About yea tall, bags under her eyes, horn, wings? Purple coat, darker purple mane, pink stripe?” “Who?” Owlowiscious replied. Spike slapped his forehead, and muttered “never mind.” “Squeak!” One of the librarian mice piped up, as it raced past the door. “Oh, she went Fluttershy to try to deal with Discord?” Spike repeated the mouse’s statement, unnecessarily. “Why didn’t you say so?” he asked Owlowiscious, before running out of the castle. Owlowiscious and the mouse exchanged angry stares. “You know, I used to eat things like you.” Owlowiscious said. “Squeak!” The mouse screamed and ran for the safety of the library. Author's Note I had a lot of fun writing this, so I hope you enjoyed it! Remember, when you're worried about what can go wrong, make sure you think about what is most likely to happen, not what would be the worst thing to happen. https://xkcd.com/761/
The Next Set“Hey Spike!” A familiar voice called as he ran through town. “Oh, hey Rainbow Dash. Have you seen Twilight anywhere?” Spike asked, running in place. “Yep! I’m helping her distribute these fliers for a versus wrestling match between Discord and Maud!” She said, holding one out. “Oh boy…” Spike said, slapping his forehead again. “Look, I think there’s been a massive misunderstanding. Twilight thinks Discord is going to try to destroy the town again, so she’s trying to beat him before he does.” “Ok, what’s the problem?” Rainbow Dash asked slowly, raising an eyebrow in confusion. “She’s gone all paranoid again. Like… really paranoid. I’m not sure why she thinks Discord’s up to something. Well, aside from not sleeping for three days.” “Could Discord have… I don’t know? Made her paranoid?” “Discord making someone paranoid about Discord being up to something? Why would he do that?” “Well, it’s something I’d do if I was bored.” “So, Discord is up to something by making someone paranoid about him up to something? Is that something he would do though? Usually it’s something a little more direct, like inviting a slime monster to a party or something.” “Ugh… My brain hurts and something doesn’t sound like a word anymore. Why don’t we just ask him? You know where he is?” “I think he’s been hanging out with those research students Twilight invited from Canterlot.” “Those eggheads? Why would Discord be spending time with them?” *** “Hello Spike! Ms. Dash.” Discord said warmly from behind a desk, where he was frantically scribbling on a piece of paper. “Discord… why isn’t it raining chocolate milk around here?” Rainbow Dash looked around the room. Slightly faded gray painted walls, normal office furniture, large windows to take advantage of light, boring ponies doing boring things on boring blackboards. Rainbow Dash tried not to look at the blackboards, though. She couldn’t see a single number on it. Discord himself matched the boring office look pretty well, glasses, button up shirt “Don’t you… I don’t know… die if you aren’t around enough chaos?” Discord chuckled. “Oh, but I am creating chaos. Look!” He held up the sheet he was working on. It was covered in neat rows of 0s and 1s. Rainbow Dash stared at the paper. She twisted her head from side to side, staring at the tiny digits. “How is that chaos?” She finally asked. “How it is -? This is perfect chaos!” Discord look affronted for a moment, then relented. “Look, chocolate milk rain clouds are fun, and so is getting rid of gravity, but those aren’t actually that chaotic. When I make chocolate milk rain clouds, I still need a society who can understand chocolate milk, and why having it fall from the sky would be bad. Some tribepony would just enjoy it as a sugary treat. It only works when there’s enough order for it to be weird. And getting rid of gravity everywhere will end anything interesting in about 8 minutes. That’s just cruel. And rocks going in straight lines gets boring after a couple hundred thousand years.” “So, what’s this?” Rainbow Dash poked the sheet. “Well, guess the first digit.” “0” “Lucky guess, what’s the next one?” “1” “And the next?” “1” “... the next?” “1” “… the-” “111010111000010” Discord looked half annoyed, half impressed. “Well, it is supposed to be pure randomness, since each digit gives no information about any of the others in the sequence, but I guess you have the makings of a minor deity of chaos. If you want to begin instruction in how undermine the fabric of reality, give me a call.” “And work with these eggheads? No thanks.” Rainbow Dash said, looking at said ponies clustered around one of the blackboards. “Hey!” One of them shouted, and Rainbow Dash blew a raspberry. Spike picked up the paper and looked it over. “So, what you’re saying is this is pure chaos, because you can’t understand what’s going to happen from what happened?” “Just about. So, what did you need me for? Another player in your O&O session? I can’t wait for the Zebra Pony war.” “Hey, Celestia and the Caesar are trying very hard to avoid it!” Spike said. He still wasn’t 100 percent sure how to deal with a fight between that many players. The rolling alone would take hours. Discord laughed. “You’re talking to the king of chaos! That outcome’s not hard to predict.” “You’re probably right.” Spike said, sighing. “Well, good to hear that you’re enjoying yourself. I’m going to get Rainbow Dash out of here before she starts a fight.” And none too soon. It looked like the eggheads were trying to merge into a mecha-egghead to fight the unbeliever. “Bring it on!” Dash said, standing on her hind hooves and shadowboxing. *** After being kicked out of the building, and the little stars disappeared, Spike and Rainbow Dash put their heads together. “I don’t think Discord is planning anything.” Spike said. “Not with those eggheads around.” Rainbow Dash agreed grumpily. “They’d stop anything that threatens their precious equations.” “Ok, you take those fliers back down, and I’ll try to find Twilight.” “Sounds like a plan.” And the two dashed off. *** Eventually, Spike gave up looking for Twilight and headed back to the castle. It was twilight, the sun slowly sinking behind the mountains, creating a spectacular panorama of nature, farms, and town. The gradual shift as the world turned dark and fireflies started lighting up the air, combined with ponies lighting candles, meant that the burnt orange of the sky was met with a broad scattering of lights over the rolling hills of Ponyville, highlighting the Equestrian ideal of pony working hand in hand with nature, creating bounty for both. But Spike was completely jaded to the view, and only had eyes for his bed. He yawned, opened the front door and immediately slammed into a giant bag of flour. “Wha-?” He muttered, rubbing his forehead. The entire entrance was filled to the ceiling with bags, except for a barely pony sized tunnel left between two of the pony sized sacks. Pulling out his miner’s helmet, thankful that he forgot to leave it behind when he dropped off the gems, Spike carefully started picking his way through, aided by the mesh covered flame. “Twilight!” Spike called out every so often. It was obvious that Twilight had built the tunnels. Only she would leave a packet of several hundred Traveling Salespony solutions at every intersection for various common tasks throughout the castle. Spike wasn’t exactly sure where Twilight was, but considering that apparently the entire castle was filled with flour, it was a pretty sure bet that she wasn’t, and hadn’t been, in her bedroom for a few days. Library was probably out; the last time flour had gotten near the library mice, the Festival of Ten Million Feasts had covered every book in a nearly impossible to remove layer. Kitchen? Well, Spike was hungry anyway, and as good a place to start as any. Spike shrugged and continued walking through the tunnels. “Twilight? Hey Twilight!” Spike shouted as he broke through a cave-in and found himself blinking in the well lit kitchen. It looked like Twilight had been planning on baking a cake, but had gotten distracted. When a unicorn gets distracted while doing something, their telekinesis cuts out. When their telekinesis cuts out, stuff falls. The more powerful the unicorn, the more stuff usually falls. Alicorns are really powerful. The kitchen looked like a bomb went off. There were broken eggs scattered everywhere, oil slicks on the floor, preheating ovens, piles of sugar, flour, baking soda, a fine mist of the same, and cooking implements littered everywhere. In the middle of everything Twilight was staring at a wall, swaying gently. Spike ran over to her, trying not to slip. “Twilight?” “Discord’s nurble pipsqueak next Yucca?” Twilight said after a moment, her eyes unfocused and bloodshot. “Oh boy… this is a bad one.” It wasn’t exactly unheard of for the Princess of Friendship to go on unhealthy caffeine fueled binges tracking down an interesting fact or spell mentioned inside a book, but normally she collapsed from exhaustion before reaching the “unable to communicate” stage of sleep deprivation. “Twilight? Hey, Twilight!” The glassy eyed stare remained, maybe a little twitch in her eye, as Spike started filling up a bucket. “SPIKE!” Twilight shouted, dripping and trying to shake out her mane. “Twilight… remember what we were talking about?” Spike said calmly, putting the bucket back in its assigned place. “You might be functionally immortal, but you also need to take care of yourself.” Twilight’s eyes widened and a look of absolute terror slowly spread over her face. “Yeah, I’m serious. You are-” “Is that a naked flame? AROUND THIS MUCH FLOUR?!” She screamed, ripping the mining helmet, with its alcohol fueled light, off Spike’s head. “FLOUR EXPLODES!” She threw the helmet to the ground and levitated the granite slab that acted as a counter over it, then surrounded them with a force field. When Twilight brought the slab down on the helmet, four things happened really quickly. First, the thin steel mesh cover, which prevented the flame from lighting explosive gases on fire, was breached. Second, the alcohol reservoir burst, spraying nearly aerosolized alcohol into the room, right next to the flame. Third, that spray caught fire, lighting the flour in the air. Fourth, the room exploded. A bright flash, the smell of baked bread, and a loud boom rang out over the countryside, accompanied by irritated ponies looking up for a second, then going back to bed. Back at the castle, after his head stopped shaking from the noise, Spike reconsidered his earlier comparison. What Twilight had wrought was in no way similar to an explosion. Now the room was utterly destroyed. The walls were streaked with burn marks, the neatly organized cabinets were utterly shredded, and the piles on the ground were rubble, not carelessly tossed ingredients. Fortunately, most of the castle had been sheltered from the blast by the massive bags of flour, which had not exploded, somehow. Twilight looked around with satisfaction. “See, that was a major fire hazard!” She pointed to the crushed helmet. “Aww, that was a gift from Pinkie Pie.” Spike muttered. “Wait, why didn’t the rest of the flour explode?” “Oh, Spike, that’s easy. It’s because…” Twilight trailed off and started staring at the same wall. Spike admitted that it was a little more interesting, given the new streaking pattern from the blast. “Focus Twilight.” Spike said, snapping his claws in front of her face. Well, clicking. Not enough friction to actually do a snap, but the effect was the same. Twilight shook her head. “Erm… on what?” She asked after looking around wildly. “Well, for starters, why did you buy all this flour?!” Spike demanded, waving his arms around wildly. “Oh, erm… something about yaks? Umm… it’s on the tip of my tongue.” Twilight started tapping her hoof against her muzzle, then looked down and started running her hoof through the rubble. Then her eyes glazed over and she started staring at the ground. Spike slapped his face and sighed. “We’re going to get nowhere fast are we?” He asked, rhetorically. He was half tempted to send her to Celestia and make it her problem, but he was pretty confident that dragon fire still burnt. No, he had to do it the hard way. Since he couldn’t exactly lead the comatose Twilight through the flour tunnels, he decided to try a bit more direct method. “Wings don’t fail me now.” He muttered as he started stretching, more to delay going through with it than anything else. “Ok, you got it, Spike. You’re looking good, you’re lean, mean, and... keen?” Spike trailed off, then sighed. “Twilight, I hope you’re not as heavy as you look.” He said to the semi-comatose pony. For the first time all night, she focused on him entirely. And her horn started glowing. “Oh dear…” Spike muttered, edging towards the window. *** Rainbow Dash awoke to see Spike buzzing along as fast as his wings could go, while Twilight darted after him firing lasers out of her horn. Dash rubbed her eyes, tried to remember how much cider she had last night, then jumped as a missed blast nearly gave her a new haircut. “What the hay, Twilight?!” Rainbow shouted, flying after the delusional princess. “Spike thingy lying… ARGH!” Twilight screamed, firing another blast. Rainbow Dash tried to parse that for a few seconds, shook her head, and easily overtook the desperate but slow dragon. “So… what’s up with Twilight?” “Twilight…. hasn’t… slept… in… three… days!” The slightly addicted to gems dragon panted out, as the two dodged laser blasts. Rainbow Dash rubbed her muzzle for a second, then nodded. “Alright, one alicorn sleep potion coming up!” She flew off, rapidly disappearing from view inside a cloud bank. Spike turned his head in confusion, breaking his aerodynamic form, and sending him into a tailspin. He started screaming as he plummeted towards the ground. He fell through the cloud cover, disappearing from view. Twilight shouted in victory and aimed another blast, preparing to follow. She dove towards the clouds, when a flash of movement caught her attention. She turned her head, breaking her form and causing her to start to spin. Rainbow Dash chose that moment to strike. Flying up underneath Twilight, she grabbed the pony and went with the spin, torquing Twilight with all the force the trained athlete could muster, flinging her right for the clouds. For a normal unicorn, it wouldn’t really matter, assuming they were one of the most gifted unicorns of their generation. Once they got over the screaming from plummeting several thousand meters, they could teleport to a safe location. The spinning wouldn’t even be that distracting. Twilight wasn’t an average unicorn, despite being one of the most gifted magic users. She hit that cloud like it was a concrete wall, complete with cracks in the cloud and a slight dent. Rainbow Dash let go and checked the suplexed alicorn to make sure she wasn’t dead. Steady pulse, unconsciousness. All good. Spike buzzed up a minute later, still out of breath. “Did… you… what… the… TWILIGHT!” He finally gasped out. “Yep, I call it my Appleloosan Suplex, been working on it for a while. All you do is build a structural cloud a few seconds before slamming them right into it.” She imitated the process, boasting the entire while. “And BAM! Instant knock out anywhere in the skies.” “Twilight are you ok? Talk to me!” Spike said, worried. “Umm… Hello! I’m over here explaining things!” Rainbow Dash said, folding her hooves. “We need to get her to a hospital. This looks bad.” “She’s fine.” Dash said. “It’s a cloud. How much damage could it to? Well, aside from that accident with the Sky Tower. And the Maelstrom Cloud Tornado. And… umm...” Spike ignored the increasingly worried pony, and pulled Twilight out of the cloud, and hurriedly dove towards Ponyville General, where the Mane Six had a room permanently reserved, mostly for Dash. He’d made it maybe 100 meters when said pony caught up and started pushing them from behind. “FASTER DASH!” Spike yelled, pumping his puny wings as fast as they would go. Dash redoubled her efforts and they sped through the air, approaching Sonic Rainboom speeds. Her eyes closed with the effort, she depended on Spike to tell her when to slow down. “AHHH!” Spike screamed as he realized he had absolutely no idea where the ground was at night. Oh. There it was. “Nurse…” groaned Doctor Horse, looking up from his papers at the crash. “I think we have a few patients at the door.” *** “… and then I found all the flour in Equestria in Twilight’s Castle!” A bouncing voice said, as Spike gradually emerged from semi-consciousness. He opened his eyes and squinted against the sunlight. Pretty standard larger hospital room, 7 beds, some personalized touches above the assigned ones. Spike was currently resting in what he thought of as the plus 1. As usual. Crowded in the center was Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and down excitedly, talking with a nurse. “Erm... what?” Spike burbled, not sure if he was confused from a bump to the head, painkillers, or Pinkie’s standard anti-logic field. He looked himself over, no casts, so nothing broken, a few bandages where… things… had cut through his scales, and a few burns on his back. He looked up and nearly added stopped heart to the triage list as Pinkie Pie appeared in front of him. “Oh, HI SPIKE!” She grinned, perched on his bed. A moment later, the springs realized that she was there, and compressed. “Hi Pinkie. How’s the erm… Yak war?” Spike wanted to slap his forehead. How’s the Yak war. Great question, genius. “It’s fine and dandy now that I’ve got the LARGEST CAKE EVER!” Pinkie reared on her hindlegs and spread her forehooves to emphasize what she meant by largest cake ever. “What?” “Oh, the Yaks wanted to declare war and smash everything in Equestria, but they need to bake their war declaration microcupcake, which means they need a specific form of flour only found near Ponyville, which mysteriously disappeared from the Yak war planning vault last night. Incidentally, I had some delicious wagon wheel sized pancakes as a midnight snack. So, I offered to go to Ponyville to pick some up and bring it back, because that’s what friends are for. Accidentally declaring war and then baking a microcupcake to formalize it. So, I hopped on a train all the way back here, but I met Cadence on the way, and she hates trains because they don’t have private booths and she couldn’t concentrate enough to actually teleport and Celestia banned private railcars for royalty after Blueblood’s… thing a few years back, so I chatted with Cadence who said that Twilight was trying to fix the whole war situation, but she didn’t know that the way to apologize for the war ceremony and change it to an alliance ceremony is to build a cake larger than the greatest dreams of any yak and return it before the ceremonial ice eater can finish eating an ice sculptor of the ambassador who made the declaration in the first place. Then the Yaks will bake their microcupcake, respectfully give it to the ruler in question, and smash everything!” Pinkie Pie was turning blue, and took a breath. “So I came here and I saw a lightshow, but it wasn’t actually a lightshow, it was Twilight trying to shoot lasers at someone, and I really need to ask her to do that at my next party, but that stopped, so I dashed to the castle to find you, but I found the most flour I’ve ever seen ever! So, I got Maud to help me carry it to that valley on the Apple’s farm, since there was way too much water coming out of that spring, and the Apple/Pie family turned the valley into giant mixing bowl, which we filled with… well, let’s just say that this party is going to be the last with cake for a while… within about half of Equestria. Discord helped by making it rain chocolate milk again, and this weird fork was really good at boiling water when we shoved it in the ground, so now we have the largest cake EVER! Though it is a taaaad unevenly cooked. And the Yaks are traveling here to celebrate!” Spike’s head spun for a while, but he pulled out his notebook and made a check. “Yak/pony war adverted.” He muttered to himself. “Just the venomous reptiles, left.” “Did someone say venomous reptiles?” A soft voice asked, peaking over Spike’s bed. “Oh, hi Fluttershy, didn’t notice you there.” “I’m used to it.” Fluttershy admitted. Spike felt like someone just shoved an icicle into his chest, but he continued. “Well… Twilight was worried about the venomous reptiles around here. Is there a problem?” “Well, Stanley has been getting older, and he’s finding it hard to slither as well as he used to. I’m trying to get him to move in with a friend over in Appleloosa, since that’s closer to his native habitat, but he says he prefers the grasses here. Sarah’s recovering well, and all her eggs are safe. Nothing that different with Sam, still trying to be the first snake piano player -” “Sorry, Fluttershy, but Twilight was worried about them biting.” “Oh. Oh, no the reptiles around here are such dears. The last time one of them bit someone was when Sophie accidentally bit her tongue a few years ago.” Spike nodded and made another check mark. “Thank you so much Fluttershy.” “It was my pleasure.” And with that the shy pony disappeared. Or at least stopped registering to anypony around her. Even her sigh went unnoticed. Spike put the list safely away inside his bedside cabinet’s drawer, and snuggled into the blankets, easily falling back asleep. *** “SPONTANEOUS BALDNESS!” Twilight screamed, jolting Spike from a nice dream about Ember, some comics, and a pile of gems. The Princess was looking at herself in horror, as a patch of fur, about the size of a cup, was missing from her coat. “Princess Twilight, we’ve talked about this before. It’s not spontaneous. It’s stress induced.” One of the nurses said, softly. “I’M ALWAYS STRESSED. THERE ISN’T A DIFFERENCE FOR ME!” “Well, is there anything that might have made it worse than normal?” Twilight slumped onto the bed. “I don’t think so...” Spike coughed. “What about staying up for three days?” “Well, that’s not too unusual when I get focused on a topic...” “And trying to single-handedly excavate the Las Pegasus desert?” “Well...” “And redirecting the Ponyville water table? And stopping Discord? And stopping a war with the Yaks? All without asking for help?” “Well, I asked for help from Fluttershy for Discord, and Candace was going to help me with the Yaks...” “What did Fluttershy say?” “Umm… that he was reformed and wasn’t planning anything...” “So, what did you do?” “… tried to set up an underground cage match between Maud and Discord.” “And then what did you do?” “I can’t remember. After I set up the cage, it sort of went blank.” “Does buying all the flour in a hundred kilometer radius ring a bell?” “Umm… maybe?” “Twilight… do you remember why you’re in the hospital?” “Something about an evil peon insulting me?” She said, starting to try to hide under the covers. “You tried to attack me and only stopped when Rainbow Dash suplexed you.” Twilight gaped in horror. Then looked around for a few seconds in confusion. “Speaking of which, where is Rainbow Dash?” The nurse, open mouthed at Twilight’s work binge, shook her head and pointed to Rainbow Dash’s bed. “She likes hiding underneath the bed, reading Daring Do books. Something about it helping get her into the adventuring mood?”” “I just need my hat and this would be perfect!” Rainbow Dash’s voice emerged from beneath the bed. Everyone looked at each other for a moment, then shook their heads a bit. “Well, Twilight, I think we can agree that you’ve gone a little too far this time. You really need to stop taking everything on yourself.” The nurse said gently. “Yes, you’re right...” “Well, on the plus side, we finished everything on your list.” Spike said after a few seconds of awkward silence. “Really? Great.” Twilight said, still in a funk. She shook her head and asked “What was it for again?” “Umm… it was to get ready for your date.” “I have a date?!” Twilight bolted upright, and tapped her muzzle as she thought. “Everything’s so blurry... Still... Spike, pull out your notebook, we have a list to make!”
And Three Dates“I’m going on a date with Zecora?!” Twilight exclaimed, back at the castle, still wearing a few casts and suspended in a telekinesis field. “Seems like it.” Spike said, looking at the blackboard filled names of potential beings you could meet at 0200 in the Everfree Forest. Not many liked being in and among those trees at the best of times, so it was a pretty short list, made shorter after figuring out Twilight’s average determined but terrified creep and how far she could have gone. Spike scratched his scales, the annoying itch indicating that they were healing. His burns had mostly gone, so he just had a few bandages from the impact. Discord, Daring Do, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and Zecora was the short list. After asking Rainbow Dash, it seemed like Daring Do was undertaking an involved expedition of ancient Zebra ruins hundreds of miles away, and it would probably be hard for her to appear near Ponyville for a quick midnight walk. Discord didn’t have the same limitations, Twilight wasn’t even sure if he couldn’t be in two entirely different places at once, but she was pretty sure that she would have remembered meeting the dracon-equus, and working through the logic if he had enchanted her not to remember the meeting but remember a date instead would rapidly lead to madness. Spike helpfully pointed out that if Twilight had asked out any of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Rarity or Applejack would probably helpfully disembowel the princess, so that wasn’t very likely. And thus… “I can’t be going on a date with Zecora!” Twilight wailed. “What? You’re both interested in… well, she’s interested in alchemy and you’re interested in… everything? Well, you’re probably the only two who would be interested enough in moss to go searching for it in the middle of the night.” “It. Was. Lichen.” Spike folded his arms. “I stand by my point.” Twilight shook her head. “You don’t understand. I can’t go on a date with Zecora. Not I don’t want to. Look, Zebra culture has several levels of -” Spike took the impromptu lecture break to tidy up the room and return the census, crime, and interests sheets to their appropriate filing cabinets. By the time he’d gotten back, Twilight was wrapping up her explanation, pointing enthusiastically to various portions of the board where she’d drawn an impromptu diagram of the relationship between political, social, economic, and cake baking castes in Zebra society. “So, Zecora is not qualified, according to Zebra culture, to date anyone more than 2 deviations above her current social rank, weird hermit in the forest, which would mean the best she could do is mime artist, banjo player, or accountant. As a princess, it would be beyond insulting for me to date her.” Spike looked between the board, Twilight’s wide slightly-twitching eyes, and about 3 chalk stick’s worth of detailed diagrams. He made a decision. “So, where were you planning on taking her? No no no, let me guess, the Manehattan Natural History Museum? I hear they have a new exhibit on the evolution of magical non-flowering shrubs.” “They have a new exhibit on the Equisetum genus?” Twilight said, eyes lighting up. “But I still can’t-” “And in the mail, there’s two tickets to the exhibition, along with a letter asking you to speak to schoolponies to encourage their learning, after the exhibit.” Indecision was playing around Twilight’s face. She wanted to go, so badly. “And it looks like they’re planning on opening an exhibit on Zebra native plants next month. Didn’t you say that you needed to do a deep dive into the subject at some point? And Zecora is probably one of the top experts in the field.” “Spike… are you saying that we could have a... research... date?” “What, me? No. I’m just saying that there’s a museum what wants you there, to teach and study one of your favorite topics, while also working with one of the most knowledgeable ponies – I mean zebras, sorry - in one of her main interests, but you could of course tell Zecora that it’s off and you can spend the next 18 hours helping Pinkie Pie eat unevenly baked cake.” Spike said, nonchalantly waving the two tickets in question. Twilight was practically salivating at the cardboard rectangles, but one thing stopped her from accelerating as quickly as she could. “But I can’t just run off and grab Zecora. She could be doing anything.” Spike was prepared for this. Magical letter sending was an underutilized talent. “Hello, what is this? Do I sense something amiss?” A slightly accented rhyming couplet floated down the hallway. “Zecora!” Twilight’s face broke into a grin, and she zoomed for the hallway, thankfully cleared of the flour now in Pinkie Pie’s cake. “Twilight what happened to you? It looks like quite a snafu” “Oh, this? It’s nothing. Would you like to go to the new exhibit in the Manehattan Natural History Museum? If that’s alright with you?” “That sounds simply grand, I love to know more about this land. But isn’t Manehattan far away? I’m only packed for the day.” “It’ll be fine, we can teleport!” “Twilight, slow down, wait a few. I’m worried that I’ll sp-” Another bang of in rushing air and Twilight was in Manehattan. Spike let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Giving Twilight the run around wasn’t exactly easy. With her attention to detail, the smallest thing could cause everything to fall apart. Still, that surprise party with Pinkie had been a useful learning experience, even if the accidental clues had led Twilight to suspect a revolt against the Crown. This time the stakes were a little higher… *** “I’ve called you all here for one very specific reason.” Spike said to the room at large, wearing a mustache and a blowing through a bubble pipe. “To stop Twilight from going insane and trying to kill me!” He put both hands on the head of the table, looking at the assembled ponies. They all had expressions ranging from distraught to angry. “And trying to flood mah farm.” “And flaking on a cage match between Discord and Maud!” “Discord could have gotten hurt!” “Discord?! Maud could have gotten hurt!” “Now now girls, I will admit that Twilight has been a little erratic, but she just wants the best. We shouldn’t be talking behind her back like this.” “What Twilight should want is more sleep. Instead she spends all her time running all over Equestria because the other princesses… I don’t know, have something approaching a work life balance? At least Celestia and Luna switch off every 12 hours, and Candace… has stress relief activities. Twilight tries to do everything. All the time.” “What are you talking about? Doubling Twilight? Because the last time someone tried that...” Pinkie Pie slumped in her chair, nearly bought to tears by the memory. “No, no, no. She’d probably end up creating an army and attempt to enforce proper organization on the world. But we need something, anything, that takes some of the load off.” “Are you asking us to step up? Because I don’t think any of us can do much more to help.” Rarity said. “Ah’ve opened four new fields this year.” “The animal shelter needs so much love and care.” “I’m touring three continents.” “Umm… where’s Pinkie Pie?” Spike asked, looking to her seat. The out of breath pony burst through the door. “Sorry, I need to switch cakes out of the oven every 23 minutes or I’ll get behind. Also, I’ve figured out a flourless cake, so party crisis adverted! What were you saying?” “And I’m stuck keeping the castle in order.” The five ponies glared at him. “What? It’s not like I can… hire… a housekeeper...” Spike trailed off, then darted to the chalkboard that Twilight mandated be installed in every room. Just in case she had a thought that needed to be written down. “That’s it!” “What? A housekeeper? What are you talking about?” Pinkie Pie asked, confused. “I can just hire a housekeeper. And an archaeologist. And somepony to check up on Discord. And somepony to manage the watershed. Twilight’s a princess!” “Yes, so?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Well, does Celestia personally direct traffic in Canterlot?” “Well, duh, she has the guards do that.” Pinkie Pie said. “So, why can’t Twilight do the same?” “What? Ask Celestia for a batch of those unclothed ruffians?” Rarity asked, before blushing as everyone stared at her. “I forget that you weren’t at the Maripony military base fashion show. Their fatigues were simply dreadful and their manes… don’t get me started.” “I wasn’t thinking guards, but why can’t Twilight hire everyone she needs to keep Equestria safe? Then she’d only need to go out when something really bad happens.” “Like Discord?” said Applejack. “Like Sombra?” said Rainbow Dash. “And the Pony of Shadows?” quavered Fluttershy. “Queen Chrysalis?” said Rarity. “I’m surprised that we haven’t seen the windigos.” confessed Pinkie Pie. “Ok, there have been a lot of really bad things, but she doesn’t need to spend all day digging holes in the desert to see if there’s a catastrophe that might be coming up.” “So… Twilight should start her own private guard company? Fighting the foul first for a fee?” Rarity asked sarcastically. “Well, she’s a princess, so I guess it would be a Ministry?” Spike replied. “Bureaucracy?” Fluttershy asked. “Agency?” Pinkie Pie wondered. “Collective?” Applejack interjected. “… I have no idea what any of you are saying.” Rainbow Dash confessed, head in hooves. “Twilight’s been a princess, but she doesn’t have anyone to lead. Except us five.” Rarity replied. “Ahem.” “Six, of course. Sorry Spike.” “Exactly! And I think I know exactly how to fix it.” Spike exclaimed. The discussion went on through much of the night, and consumed multiple chalkboards with ideas, revisions, and corrections, as well as many letters sent to various important ponies. *** “I had a great time, we’ve got to do something soon! Bye!” Twilight sang out as she trotted through the door. Or at least levitated her casts in such a way that they appeared to be jauntily trotting without actually touching the ground. “Oh, hi everyone. What’s up?” Five ponies, and one dragon, were arrayed around a mobile blackboard. “Ready?” Spike asked, pulling out a tuning whistle and a top hat, still wearing his mustache and pipe. “No! no… no. It’s too late and I’ve done three songs about learning. Trying to figure out a rhyme on fly for Equisetum hyemale… was actually pretty easy, but splitting attention between levitation and singing gave me a headache.” Twilight said, facehoofing. “Awww...” Everyone else said as one. After a few seconds, Spike, still wearing the top hat, coughed and said “Well, we think we found a solution to your stress induced baldness.” Twilight’s attention focused to a razor’s edge, while Rarity gasped. “Oh Twilight, I didn’t realize this was such a trial for you. Spike, we simply must scrap the plan. I will make more hours in the day if Twilight is going through such horrors and I can help.” “She tried to kill me, but that’s the limit?” Spike muttered underneath his breath. “Well, let’s at least show her it before throwing everything out.” He flipped the blackboard over. “We went through all of our adventures and tried to pick out general themes, then applied that to an bureaucratic structure, so it ought to be able to solve most of the crises that happen in Equestria, without your direct involvement.” Spike continued. On the board was a simple organizational chart that hid a deep complexity. From Twilight were a number of direct subordinates who would oversee Magical Research, Exploration, Inter-species Relations, Pony Affairs, and Awesomeness. Awesomeness was a bit of a black box, but Rainbow Dash had very definite sound-effect-filled ideas on what exactly it would do. Twilight’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What?” “Twilight, dear, you need to cut back a tinsy bit on the whole saving Equestria thing.” “But Equestria is always in danger!” “This should help it, without making you stay awake for 3 days until your crash into a hillside.” Rainbow Dash replied, not meeting Twilight’s gaze. “You’re replacing me?!” “What? No! We’re just trying to keep you sane.” Spike replied, desperately. Twilight glared at the six in front of her, eyes twitching, horn randomly sparking, wings flared. She was confused, angry, and hurt. “Ugh… I’m going to sleep after a bit of light reading. Bother me in the morning.” Twilight sulked out, heading for her bedroom. “Do you think it worked?” Fluttershy asked after a moment. “Well, she took the blackboard with her.” Said blackboard banging its way up the stairs could still be heard when the six took their leave. *** Spike yawned and rubbed his eyes as he walked through the door. “Oh, not again.” He groaned as he spotted a frazzle haired pony mainlining coffee. “Spike! Great to see you.” Twilight bared her teeth, forcing a smile that didn’t touch her eyes. “Hi Twilight. Get much sleep last night?” “No, got distracted by the agency idea. You all put a lot of thought into it.” “Yes…?” Spike trailed off, not sure where she was going. “And I’ve decided that I’ll do it. We just need to make a few adjustments. I think the third undersecretary’s duties are already covered by the...” Spike tuned out the prattling pony and started preparing pancakes. “... Oh, and you’ll be getting a promotion.” “Eh, wha?” Spike said, turning in confusion while flipping said pancakes. One flipped onto the burner and started smoking. “Yes, you’re going to be promoted from my number one assistant to my personal assistant!” “Er, wha?” Spike said, confused. “A personal assistant is somepony who manages another pony’s schedule and makes sure that they’re where and doing what they’re supposed to.” “But I do that anyway?” “Yes, but now we’ll be hiring a cook and a housekeeper and… well, I think I’ve been overworking you.” “But I like cooking.” The confused dragon protested. Twilight sighed, and thought for a moment. “Spike, I’m putting you in charge of making sure that I get enough sleep.” She finally settled on. “Didn’t we already try that and it was a disaster?” “Well, not entirely a disaster. And it’s not during a major conference. I just want you to swing by my room before you go to sleep to make sure that I’m not shoulder deep in books.” “So, do what I’m trying to do now, but now it’s my only job?” “Just about?” “Good. Now, Twilight, go to sleep!” “What?! But I just drank a gallon of coffee.” Twilight whined. “No excuses! You need to get some sleep!” Grumbling, Twilight walked off to bed. Then Spike started writing some letters. He was pretty sure that Twilight would change her mind by tomorrow, so he needed to get somethings in motion while her judgment was sleep impaired, if correct. *** “SPIKE!” Twilight roared, bursting through his door. “Who are all these ponies?” Her wings were raised in a territorial display, and random sparks were coming out of her horn. “Erm… what? Ponies? What time is it?” Spike mumbled, rubbing his eyes and looking out the window. The moon was still high, which was actually a useful denoter of time, due to Luna’s interference, rather than something that circled the planet completely unrelated to the solar day. “You heard me! In the library! Now!” She teleported away again, not even attempting to reduce the bang from the in rushing air. Spike sighed and got out from under his covers, and started the walk to the library. *** When Spike reached the library, Twilight was packing back and forth, muttering underneath her breath. “Of all the stupid schemes… how could he… how could they….” “Umm, Twilight?” Spike said, resisting the urge to hide behind a book tower. “Spike, would you mind explaining why THE CASTLE IS FILLED WITH PONIES I DON’T KNOW?!” She shouted, the sparks coming from her horn redoubling. “Well, you see, Twilight...” “Because this is my castle and I am the princess, so I should know who is inside my castle, rooting in my library, moving my books, knocking on my door in the middle of the night.” “They’re your staff!” Spike said desperately. “Oh, they’re my staff. Who vetted them, pray tell? Who did the job interviews? Who put out the job advertisements?” “Umm, a lot of ponies actually.” “More of my staff? Ponies working for me. Behind. My. Back?” “Look, I get why you’re angry-” “Oh, I’m not angry, I’m livid. I give you an inch and you took a mile. How could you?” Twilight’s angry face gained about 20% hurt, turning it into a sad, hurt, angry face. “I just wanted to help.” “But it was my organization! I wanted to set it up my way!” Twilight wailed. “Wait… that’s what you’re angry about?” “Along with them moving in while I was asleep? And you planning it behind my back? Yes. That’s a major part.” “Well, to be honest, it wasn’t entirely me. Celestia, Luna, and Candace planned a lot of it. I just kept it coordinated.” Twilight froze mid-stride. “The other princesses did it?” “Well, yeah. They’re the experts. Why wouldn’t they do it?” “But I thought… you seemed… and my friends? Eyegh?” “Wait? You thought I could create an entire government organization while you were asleep? Twilight, I’m touched, but I can barely keep my geopolitical simulation working. And that’s mostly just providing coffee.” “How is mini-Twilight doing, by the way?” “She didn’t roll into alicorn, so she’s mostly attempting to fix friendship problems while Celestia negotiates on the world stage. Seems to be enjoying it.” Twilight shook her head and refocused “But the Department of Awesomeness?” “Well, I asked your friends to help me mold it to you, and that was Rainbow Dash’s first demand. Bakeries on every floor and tasteful curtains were Pinkie’s and Rarity’s.” Twilight slumped against the floor. “I’m a terrible… whatever our relationship is.” Spike shook his head and made parish-the-thought noises as rebellious thoughts pushed against his snout. Twilight blinked a few times, and slowly got to her hooves. “Well, might as well meet the department heads.” She started walking off. “Umm… Twilight? I’m still your personal assistant, right?” “Of course! I can think of no better position.” Twilight said, pausing at the door. Spike took a deep breath and said something he’d wanted to for years. “Then we’re going back to bed. It’s after midnight, and everyone else is asleep. I will wake you in time to get ready for normal government hours.” Spike was positively giddy, he’d be able to sleep in hours later than normal by that standard! Twilight’s eyes narrowed, but she curtly nodded and teleported out. Spike turned on his heel, then sighed. There was no way that Twilight wasn’t reading something. He turned back around, made the trek to her room, took a book away from the protesting pony, turned the lights out on the pouting princess, and plopped onto his poofy pile of pillows. *** A few weeks later, Twilight had another date. “Ok everypony, let’s get the final reports. Any sign of Discord induced reality tearing?” A small unicorn shuffled some notes and adjusted her glasses. “None detected, he appears to be channeling all his chaos into generating random numbers.” “Good, forecast team?” “Ponyville’s indicators are fairly normal, aside from what I’ve previously reported. Any sudden crashes are unlikely.” A pony with a green arrow pointing up on his flank said. “Alright, keep monitoring. Inter-species relations?” “Ambassador Pinkie reports the Yaks have decided to level a mountain. They’ll be occupied for a while. None of the other ambassadors report anything significant.” “Excellent. Put the report of which mountain on my desk. Spike?” “You’re rested and looking better than ever!” A number of the department heads rolled their eyes at the flattery. “Thanks, Spike. Alright, everypony, you’re dismissed.” The heads of Twilight’s various departments shuffled out of the room, as Twilight organized some papers and did some last minute filing. It wasn’t long before it was cleaned to her satisfaction, and she left, with Spike in tow. “Stylist?” “Waiting in the salon” “Dinner reservation?” “Made.” “Fireworks installed and inspected?” “Yes.” “Library under heavy guard and teleportation blocks erected?” “You’re not accidentally spending the evening doing research.” Spike assured the princess. “Good.” Twilight paused and said “This was a lot less stressful than the last time I tried to plan a date. Thanks for making me do this whole government department thing...” She still looked apologetic, despite this being the ninth or tenth time she’d thanked him. “Your welcome, now go get ready. You’re pushing into your buffer time.” With a yelp, Twilight trotted away, and Spike was free to being his own preparations. *** “So, yeah, life’s been a little hectic for me. How’s the whole ‘absolute ruler of the dragons’ thing?” “… let me get this straight, an alicorn, a being capable of moving the sun and moon, laying waste to entire regions, and singlehandedly establishing ponies as the dominant species on the planet, tried to kill you, so you got the other alicorns to distract her with leading a government agency? And this somehow allowed you to spend more time napping?” “Yes! Among other things.” “… nice.” Ember said, appreciative of the manipulation. Not a common dragon trait, but you couldn’t argue with results. “And I’m not really the ‘absolute ruler.’” Ember continued, making talon quotes. “Dragons only listen when they’re being clubbed with something heavy.” “Is that why you carry a giant mace everywhere? And why it’s dented?” “The Bloodstone Scepter? No. Definitely not. It’s totally not the only way I can enforce my will upon the peons.” The two dragons lay back, enjoying the stars. They’d met up at Twilight’’s castle and joined in Spike’s Ogres and Oubliettes game,where Ember had led the Dragons to a crushing victory over the rebels, consolidating her father’s rule over the Dragon Lands, and terrifying the mice. Then they’d had an enjoyable meal of gems, at Café du Maud, along with a live comedy routine. Ember was amazed at the sheer quantity of igneous jokes. She felt that they were rock solid. Spike groaned at the pun, but admitted that it was better than Mohs of what they were seeing. On a scale of 1 to 10, the comedy rated as talc. Swapping puns and jokes, they giggled their way through the rest of the show. Still, the gems were divine, Ember liked talking about her land (Maud always complained about the lack of igneous formations within Equestria), and Maud’s grotto, with it’s carefully selected examples of Equestrian gems and natural rock formations, was in a class of it’s own. Now, the two were relaxing on a hill overlooking Ponyville, waiting for Twilight’s romantic fireworks display at the end of the night, just shooting the coprolite. “Hey, I think it’s starting!” Spike said, sitting up excitedly. He peered into the darkness, and saw an excited unicorn with wings lit up on a nearby hill. She was prancing around a bunch of boxes, her horn sparking. “Huh, guess she had a good date.” Twilight engulfed the boxes in her magic, rearranging the display, and searching for a fuse. In her excitement, her horn was spewing a fine stream of sparks, in addition to its usual glow. “That’s weird...” Spike trailed off, trying to see further by putting his hands around his eyes. “What?” Ember asked, getting up and looking in the same direction. “I don’t know. It’s like Twilight’s not in as control of her magic as usual.” Twilight put the crates down, and pulled out a diagram. The stream of sparks increasing to a flood. “Seems controlled enough. She’s not shredding the paper or anything.” Ember stared at Spike for a moment, followed his example with her claws, and realized that it did block out a fair amount of the light pollution from Ponyville off to the side. “… yeah, but those sparks.” Finally, it looked like Twilight was satisfied, and she put everything down. The flood of sparks cut off suddenly, and she stepped back and gathered the energy for a laser blast. Her horn glowed, and then the glow surged, encompassing her entire head as she shot the beam. The fireworks caught, and started to shoot off in their predetermined sequence. Around the two dragons, earth ponies and unicorns oohed and aahed. The flyers, molded by evolution to be able to see potential prey on the ground (mainly the rare and difficult to spot Pegasus Nip, long held as essential in Pegasus mating rituals; and small meat filled creatures in the case of dragons) were distracted by the sudden bloom of fire on the hill. “Did…” Spike began, peering again. “I think so.” Ember replied, doing the same. “AHHHH!” A burning comet streaked by, as Twilight Sparkle realized that she hadn’t been using enough magic to avoid spontaneous combustion and accidentally set her mane on fire. “Twilight!” Spike shouted, leaping up to help the burning princess, but Ember caught him before he’d gotten into the air. “No, no, no. She’s a princess with a very large staff. She can take care of herself.” Ember said, sitting back down, and pulling the smaller dragon with her. The two nestled together, watching the explosions as a flock of pegasi took off and chased after their ruler, followed by a confused galloping zebra. “I had a really good time tonight.” Spike confessed, watching the multicolored fire blooms. “The night’s not over,” Ember teased. “You never know, it might get better.” Off in the distance, Twilight careened into a lake, and endured the awkward transition from terrified concern to relieved laughter, as they discovered the cause and that the only thing that was hurt was Twilight’s pride and mane-do. Closer at hand, Spike and Ember cuddled together, and the night did get better for them. Author's Note Well, this was a fun story to write. Thanks for sticking through and reading it!
