Disney Cross™️

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie (EqG), Equestria Girls, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Flash Sentry
Length: 4435

Flash Sentry downloads the latest popular streaming app. It's totally not a magical bootleg made to curse its users into wearing princess ballgowns.

Flash Sentry downloads the latest popular streaming app. It's totally not a magical bootleg made to curse its users into wearing princess ballgowns.

Special thanks to Scampy for the cover art.

Published 2019-11-18 23:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-18 23:20:03 UTC

The Wrong Sunflower

“Thanks for agreeing to be my binge buddy, Flashie!” Pinkie Pie's felicitous voice squeaked melodically through Flash Sentry's wireless headphones. “Usually I sit through hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of classic reruns with Gummi! But—as much as I love my goofy little later-gator to death—he's the absolute worse when it comes to color commentary!”

“Well, a promise is a promise, Pinkie,” Flash responded. His eyes narrowed as he stood in the center of his dimly-lit room on a Saturday afternoon. Before him stretched a widescreen tv, and he was delicately scrolling down the list of available apps to download from the Marketplace on his Playstation 4. “To be honest, my after-school job has been a bit stressful as of late. I wouldn't mind a little bit of Netflix and Chill with a friend of mine.”

“Uh uh uh!!!”

“What what what?”

“This is Disney Plus we're using! Released just overnight! The Mighty Mouse has officially jumped the Netflix Ship!”

“Hmmmm...” Flash smirked ever so slightly. He thumbed his controller, continuing to scroll down the on-screen menu. “Imagine that.”

“I'm tellin' ya, Flashie! This stupendous stream service is going to take the world by storm! The entire Disney catalogue! A priceless vault of multimedia readily available at the simple press of a button! It's all so fresh and brand new!” A pause. A giggle. Another pause. “Except that it isn't!”

“I hear ya...” Flash blinked over at his computer station that sat perpendicular to his television display. Discord Chat was running, and Pinkie Pie's icon—a compressed logo of Sugarcube Corner—flickered in time with her broadcasted dialogue through the young man's headphones. “Although... uhm... I-I seem to be having some trouble...”

“Oh yeah?” her voice inquisitively hummed. “All is not right in Sentryland?”

“Er... what I mean is...” Flash looked back to the TV screen. He was nearly towards the bottom of the app selection on the Sony Marketplace. “...I can't seem to find the program to download.”

“Did you try asking Cereal?”

“... … ...do you mean Siri?”

“Is that the one with marshmallows or raisins?” Pinkie giggled.

Flash rolled his eyes with a tired smile. “I'm using my PS4, Pinkie, not an iPad.”

“How about popping it into the magnifying glass thingy?”

“What, you mean the search function?”

“Yeah! That!” A tender squeaking sound—almost Fluttershy-esque. “I'm sorry. I don't know all the techno-gizmo terminology. Dashie's always poking fun at me for having the computer knowledge of an Amish grandmother.”

“That's okay. And—yes—I did try the search function. I typed in 'Disney' and... nothing's showing up.”

“Wowsies! That's weirdo in the beardo!”

“Speaking of Rainbow Dash...” Flash gave the computer a side-ways glance as he spoke into the headphones. “Have you heard from her lately? I could have sworn she said that she might join us at some point.”

“Huh? Oh... naaaaaaaaaah. Count her out. She told me just yesterday afternoon that she's gonna be busy enabling Chinese genocide.”

“Oh?”

“She re-subbed to WoW.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhh...”

“Oooh! I know! Throw your laundry on the floor and spell out “DISNEY” via letter-angels with your body! Maybe the Kinect will pick that up instead of the normal search function!”

“Microsoft Kinect is Xbox, Pinkie...” Flash briefly went cross-eyed over the one absurdity in her previous statement that he had chosen to address. Snapping through the moment, he cleared his throat and said: “Could it be that we got the release date wrong? Maybe this Disney Plus thingy is releasing overseas earlier...”

“Nuh uh! You got it the other way around! I swear!” A squeaking chair could be heard, followed by the rustling of paper. “Says here in my Club 33 newsletter that the Disney Plus service released overnight!”

“Wowsers, Pinkie...” Flash blinked, reeling in place. “You're a member of Club 33?”

“The entire Pinkie Pie Pan Clan is!” Her giggles echoed over digispace. “It's all on account of Marble Pie! She roped us in!”

“No kidding?”

“Yeah. She really likes Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.”

“Well, who doesn't? That's a classic coaster—”

“Nah. She never ever rides it. She just hangs out at the geyser next to the exit and loudly reminds the park guests that the rocks are actually made out of fake painted polystyrene.”

“... … ...”

“Oh! And Maud's a big fan of It's a Small World.”

“Maybe I missed a Playstation update...” Flash muttered.

“Maybe you did! It should be live, silly! I've already got it downloaded on my Nintendo Stadia iBox 720!”

Flash ignored that as he went to his console's system settings. “Let's see...” After several thumb flicks, he squinted at the screen. “Nope... it's the latest version, alright.”

“Did you move to a third world country?” Pinkie suggested. “Like Denmark?”

“I'm three blocks away from where you live, Pinkie,” Flash droned.

“Oh! That's right! And your bedroom window's just above the hedge of ferns on the west side of the house right across the street from where there's a line of shady oak trees and thick underbrush!”

“... … ...how did you know—?”

“H-hey!” Pinkie's electronic outburst was bordered by coughing sounds. “I know! I'll just invite Sci-Twi to our chat! She'll know what to do!”

“Pinkie, I don't think that'll be necessary—”

“You see, I call her 'Sci-Twi' cuz she's into science-y stuff and it differentiates her from our horse princess friend from another world who's visibly and audibly identical to her!”

“I'm sure I'm just missing something.” Flash sighed as he thumbed back to the Playstation marketplace. “It's been ages since I last thoroughly searched—”

“Although it's been ages since we last talked to Princess Twilight and you think by now that we'd all be close enough to recognize our human familiar by her own unique qualities and personality traits—but—still! The nickname is super cute! Don't you think so, Flashie?”

Flash Sentry stared blankly at his TV screen.

“... … ...Flashie?”

“I found it,” the young man blurted... almost interrogatively. He had a downloadable app highlighted on the menu. The word “DISNEY” glowed brilliantly in the late Walt's stylistic font, followed by a “plus” symbol that was artistically connected by the comet-trail swoosh of a curved line haloing the top half of the program's title. “But... huh... weird...”

“What's so weird?”

“It's... like... at the very very very bottom of the app downloads menu.”

“Yeah? So? Sunset downloaded this last night and she told me she had to scroll through—like—a gazillion icons before she found the right link on her Samzune LG iBerry!”

“Uhhhh...” Flash clicked on the app. His eyes flew to the synopsis. It was threadbare and—he soon noticed—there were absolutely zero ratings. “...that's also weird.”

“Why so mysterious?”

“It's just...” Flash pointed. “This is the most popular app since Pokemon Go, but... it has absolutely no ratings?” His eyebrow arched. “Isn't that strange for a program digitally released overnight?” His eyebrow arched higher. “I mean—this is 2019! I'd expect it to be downvote-bombed at least... but absolutely zero upvotes or downvotes???” It arched even higher—

“Gah! Don't scrape the ceiling with it, Flashie!”

“Pinkie—”

“Just slap that download button with the force of exploding baking soda!” Pinkie's voice squawked. “You already wasted precious weeks, months, years trying to find the silly thing on your Atari Dreamboy Vita!”

“But—”

“I WANNA SHOW YOU PHINEAS AND FERB, DANG IT!”

“Alright alright!” Flash chuckled, clicking on the Buy Now button. After cashing in his Playstation Currency, he watched as the download bar rapidly filled up. “Anything for you, Pinkie,” he added, smiling.

“Oh! Em! Jee! You are so gonna love it, Flashie! It's like the best most cutest most funniest show ever! Very clever and fast and witty! Like old school Family Guy! But for kids! And it doesn't make me barfy with belated attempts at emulating a superior show's moralistic and allegorical satire!”

“Uh huh...” Flash blinked as the download finished already—immediately adding the program's bluish icon to the front of his dashboard's tabs. “Huh. That was quick...”

“It's got these two little brothers who are super positive and super affirmative and just want to live out their lives to the fullest every day!” Pinkie continued, filling Flash's ears with fangirlish mirth. “Oh! And there's this adorable little green platypus named Perry who reminds me of Gummi—except Perry doesn't talk. And he's a secret agent who fights this villain called Doctor Doofenshmirtz, an adorable would-be-villain who's heck-bent on wreaking evil and havoc on the Tri-State Area!”

“Right...” Flash clicked on the program. He watched as the Disney logo filled up the screen. “You sure you're not making all of this up, Pinkie?”

“Nuh uh! It's totally a real show which we should totally binge-watch together! Now... Disney Plus has revealed to me a whole cornucopia of age-old movies that I never before knew about that do seem totally made up! Like 'Cat From Outer Space' and 'The Ugly Dachshund' and not one but two 'Swiss Family Robinsons!' One of them is even in black and white! Hah! Can you believe that?! Black and white! What, was Disney filming for dogs once upon a time?!?”

“Well...” Flash shrugged. “...I suppose that would explain the studios' love for...” The screen before him flickered pink, and he was left blinking once again in familiar confusion. “...Tim Allen.”

“Uuurrruwwwuhh?”

“Uhmmmmmm...”

“What's the matter now, Flashie?”

“I... think I accidentally downloaded the trial version?”

“What makes you say that?”

“I mean...” Flash flicked the PS4 Dualshock Sticks. Blade after blade, he only saw one genre of movie. “...all I have access to are Princess films.”

“You say that like it's a bad thing.”

“Pinkie...” He sighed. “Didn't you say that this program's supposed to have the entire catalogue of the studio?”

“And you're not seeing it?

Flash grumbled inwardly, cycling through the titles. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves... Tangled... Moana... Little Mermaid....”

“Huh. Yup. Those are princess movies alright.”

“Wait.” Flash paused on one title. “I found an outlier.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Something about a... black cauldron?”

“Pfffffffffft!!!” Pinkie practically spat through the headphones. “Oh ye of little mouse ears!”

“... … ...I don't get it.”

“Ooh! I know! Go into the magnifying glass thingy—”

“The search field...?”

“Right. Whatever. Type in 'Phineas and Ferb.'”

Flash Sentry did as he was told. “... … …I get 'Frozen.'”

“Infidel! 'Phineas' is spelled with a 'PH'!”

“Alright! Alright! Jeez!” Flash corrected himself. “There.” He squinted at the screen. “...'Princess and the Frog.'”

“Well, candy corn!” Pinkie cussed. “That's goofy in the spoofy!”

“Maybe... it didn't download the entire way...?” Flash asked the walls of his room.

“Have you considered unplugging and re-plugging your Sega Lynxstation 3?”

“No, Pinkie, I just...” Flash huffed in annoyance as he fumbled with his controller, navigating the sparse menu. “...yeesh, talk about a crappy UI.”

“This really does seem like a job for My-Twi... er... I mean Sci-Twi,” Pinkie stated. “I was really really really really really looking forward to sharing all sorts of Disney mirth with you over the interwebboids.”

“Uhhhhhhh...” Flash muttered to himself, clicking on a random title: Sleeping Beauty. “I wonder if I somehow accidentally downloaded a bootleg? Maybe if I just tested it out...” He toggled to the “play movie” icon, and his finger hovered fatefully over the “x” button of his controller.

“Even if the app technically doesn't have everything. Take 'Song of the South,' for instance. But... pffft... that's a no-brainer! Not that I'm counting sour grapes over its exclusion or nothing.”

Flash clicked on the button. The sound of chimes lit the air, magical and feminine. For a moment, he thought his eyes had lost their focus—for the pink on the TV screen had suddenly filled the depths of his real-life room instead. It took him a few seconds to realize that the rosy color was merely the reflection of something. He was too distracted to make a firmer observation of this, for his nostrils were suddenly being filled with the pleasant scent of freshly-cut roses.

“But like...” Pinkie's voice continued. “...there's other stuff that's missing too! Take—for instance—1966's 'Lt. Robin Crusoe, U.S.N.' That title's a mush mouthful, I know. But it stars Dick Van Dyke who was also in the legendary 'Mary Poppins' which came out only two years before! And yet—while being a goofy modernized adaptation of Daniel Defoe's classic novel—it's been kicked out of the Disney Plus lineup as if it means absolutely nothing!”

Flash felt a slight breeze between his legs. He looked down to realize that his jeans had... exploded. But instead of blasting to denim scraps against the walls of his room, they fwoofed outward and settled—like gracefully falling flower petals—turning softer and pinker until the shiny floral-etched fabric cascaded around his lower body in the form of a french medieval dress. The breath from the young man's lungs left in a gasp—not due to bedazzlement—but rather in reaction to a severe tightening of his torso. His t-shirt had shrunken into a constrictive corset, and it was overlapped with a shiny pastel pink to match the skirt—ending at open shoulders hemmed with a shiny layer of see-through ice-white fabric. A gold band formed at the nape of his neck—meanwhile, his sleeves elongated and stopped daintily at the edge of his wrists, twinkling as if with a million microscopic fuchsia sequins that sent sparkles dancing all across the room.

“Although, in hindsight, I suppose it does make some sense why the company would exclude it. There's a huge fluffin' muffin mix of sexist and racist stereotypes—from the veritable harem of attractive young Pacific Island girls ready to jump all over Dick Van Dyke's... y'know... raft... to the grunty male tribesmen who are easily scared off by a giant false god statue spewing army surplus fireworks. I guess it's extra cringey that Walt himself had top writing credits for the whole thing.”

“Uhm...” Flash looked down at the shiny pink dress he was suddenly sporting. His headphones—which suddenly felt ten times heavier—nearly slid off his school. With inexplicable grace, he straightened his head, balancing the headphones like it was a flat book. He reached up and grasped the item in his head—realizing that the headphones had morphed into the shape of a golden tiara. “... … ...huh.”

Pinkie's voice could be heard squawking, but he could no longer make out her words.

Numbly, he placed the tiara back on until the twinkling gold speakers fitted back over his ears.

“...I said: are you still there, Flashie?”

“Actually, I'm somewhat... pink at the moment.” But just as Flash said that, the entire spectrum of the room changed altogether—predominantly matching the color of his hair. He looked down to see that his shimmering pink gown had become a shimmering blue frock instead. “What—”

“Did you catch what I said about Disney's allegedly corporate-motivated decision to distance itself from outdated cultural and gender portrayals?”

“Uhm... gimme a sec, Pinkie...” Flash's hands fumbled with the controller. His index finger slipped over the R1 button. Sleeping Beauty flipped suddenly to Cinderella. The air filled with the scent of pumpkins as Flash's dress expanded in a splash of pixie dust. The fabric turned from deep blue to shiny silver. The gold band around Flash's neck rose up and tightened into a black choker. Meanwhile, his shoulders puffed up into what looked like foam-white sissy pauldrons. The corset pressed against his tender male chest was somehow even tighter—if that was even possible. “I... erm...” His eyes darted to his controller, which was now clasped in shiny silver evening gloves. “...to be honest, Pinkie, you lost me at 'gender portrayals.'”

“It just doesn't make much sense, y'know? I mean, sure! I totally can understand the committee board behind the streaming service being a bunch of anxious silly-billies bowing to PC-culture! But then why do we have shows like 'Talespin' and 'Chip'n'Dale Rescue Rangers' being viewable—along with their perpetuation of ableist stereotypes!””

“That's... uhm...” Flash reached two gloved fingers down and hoisted the hem of his skirt, revealing twinkling silver petticoats and glass slippers over his arched feet. “...that's crazy, Pinkie.”

“I know! And those shows came out in the nineties! Imagine if 'Song of the South' came out in the nineties! Would we somehow be more forgiving about Br'er Rabbit and Br'er Fox and Br'er Bear...”

“Hold on a second, Pinkie.” Flash struggled with the satin white bustle of his ballgown. “I'm... uhm... guh...” He dropped the controller to the floor. “...heck it!”

“...and Br'er Bird and Br'er Squirrel...” Flash's tiara-phones crackled. “...and Br'er Frog and Br'er Honey Badger...”

“Rnnngh...” Flash hiked up his skirts and bent over... over... over for the controller, battling with the whalebone hoop pressed between the dress fabric and his legs. “...frickin'... come onnnn...”

“...and Br'er Ogre-Faced Spider and Br'er Komodo Dragon and Br'er Duck...”

“Pinkie... grfff... could you... mrmfff... momentarily can it with the whitewashed African-American oral traditionalist stereotypes—?!” His gloved finger brushed the R1 trigger of the controller. The TV screen flicked to something blue in his peripheral, and he immediately lost balance from the ballgown shrinking to a constrictive tube around his legs, locking his knees together. “HOBOAH~” THUMP!

“Flashie? Flashie?” Pinkie's voice crackled. “What was that noise?”

“Guh...” Flash wriggled on the ground, his lower limbs encased in a mesh fabric approximation of shiny green scales and a floppy mermaid's fin. His supple chest was bare, save for a pair of pastel blue clamshells modestly covering his tender nipples. “Grnnnfff... uguufff...” He flopped and floundered on the ground like a mackerel out of water... before ultimately collapsing breathlessly on his back. “... … ...when did my waist get so small?” he ultimately wheezed.

“That's why I keep telling you to stop by Sugarcube Corner each day for a Flash-snack, silly!” Pinkie's voice giggled, growing distant because the tiara was currently entangled with a sea lotus pinned into Flash's suddenly-wavy hair. “You should put more meat on ya! Or fat on ya! Y'know... more 'big' on your bones! You're a growing young man, after all!”

Flash writhed and struggled in the constrictive Mermaid-Kafka nightmare that was currently enshrouding his helpless figure.

“So I've b-been told,” he stammered against the carpet.

“Anyways, we've got to check out some of that older stuff—but not before we do 'Phineas and Ferb!' You'll get a real kick out of Stacy! She's the absolute best friend ever! And she acts like a good, sensible foil to Candace's impulsive, grumpy antics—”

“Grnnngh—” Flash tensed his muscles, fought the pressure of the clamshells, and rolled his body over towards the controller. “HAH!” He grabbed the accessory in two hands, pressing as many buttons as he could. The movie on the TV switched, and much to Flash's relief the mermaid tail loosened into a loose ocean blue loin sash. With is legs freed, the young man easily stood up, catching his breath in heavy pants.

“Whoah, there, Flashie! Hold your enthusiasm! It's only a TV show!” Pinkie giggled. “How are you feeling, though? Are you excited? Huh? Huh?? Huh???”

“I'm... uh...” Flash looked at his chest. The clamshells had been replaced by blue wrap top, exposing his midriff. “I'm... uh...” He glanced at his curved reflection in a lamp's brass frame, revealing white hair and streaks of blue face paint. “Uhhhh...” He looked at the TV screen which was featuring the title splash for Disney's Atlantis. “... … ...who the Hell am I?”

But before Pinkie could respond...

...the Discord program chimed in Flash's ears, signifying that someone had joined their chat.

“Flash Sentry!” It was Sunset Shimmer's voice. Tense. Urgent. “Pinkie Pie! I'm so glad I caught you two!”

“What's sunny-side-up, buttercup?” Pinkie said. Then giggled. Then giggled some more.

“This is no time for jokes, Pinkie! Flash? Are you there? Are you listening?”

“Uhhhhhh...” Flash flipped through movies. The air around him flickered from pink to yellow to blue... back to yellow for a brief moment... … …. then onward through the entire color spectrum. “Don't mind me. I'm just... … ...changing.”

“Well, fine. But whatever you do...” Flash could hear Sunset's heroic frown through the ever-morphing tiara. “...do not download that latest Disney streaming app!”

“Oh?” Pinkie innocently batted her eyelashes over the Internet. “Why not?”

“There's a bootleg spreading around!” Sunset declared. “A cursed evil bootleg. And it's harnessing corrupted Equestrian magic!”

“Oh noes! What's it doing to peops?”

“Well, it's all hypothetical at the moment. Twilight and I have only discovered the residual enchantment of the spell and not the actual vessel of bewitchment itself. Nevertheless, according to Twilight's leyline sensory devices, this accursed bootleg masquerades as the brand new Disney+ streaming app. Only—when accessed via some digital network—it somehow manipulates its users in the physical world! We think it's some evil sorcerer's wicked attempt to gear up an army of thralls to do his or her bidding on this side of the portal!”

“Wowswers, Shimmers! That sounds... … ...really convoluted.”

“Doesn't matter! It's an abhorrent presence in this world and it's up to the wielders of the magical geodes to put a stop to it!”

“Hey! That's us!”

All this time, Flash had been struggling and fumbling to “quit” out of the app, but to no avail. He even tried yanking the console's power cable loose, but it proved physically impossible. That—or his current corset had atrophied his muscles to irrecoverable daintiness. He gnashed his teeth, tossing a french-braided ponytail out of his face as he sputtered: “Say... Sunset...?”

“Yes, Flash? Make it quick. We haven't got much time.”

“Can Twilight's... uhm... magical macguffin thingy tell whether or not this evil app has spread to video game consoles?”

“... … ...no, but it's still a distinct possibility. Why?”

Flash sighed hard. “No reason.” He selected Tangled, then braced himself as an agonizing weight tugged at the back of his scalp. With one arm, he looped several yards of blue hair over a pink blouse. With the other hand, he brandished a frying pan and gave the Playstation console several hard whacks. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! In between each impact, he stammered: “Let's say... hypothetically... one was to become a victim of this freaky spell...” His eyes narrowed as he saw that the metal cooking instrument had no effect on the system's black resin surface. “... … ...do you think they could reverse the charges to their banking account?”

“I don't see how anyone would be stupid enough to get fooled by it,” Sunset replied. “According to Twilight, the conjurer couldn't get away with using Disney's trademark logo. The 'plus' on the title will be clearly, visibly different to anyone looking at it.”

Flash blinked. Curious, he backed out as far as he could—to the top menu of the app. He looked at the branding in the corner. Instead of the “plus” sign, the character was pivoted by forty-five degrees.

“An 'X?'” Flash blinked. He then remembered one depressing weekend when Microchips had coerced him into coming over to play a very bad Street Fighter versus Tekken game. “Oh. 'Cross',” he droned, glancing down at his shiny pink skirt and giving the embroidered material a curiously lengthy caress. “Now I get it.”

“Huh?” Pinkie Pie interjected halfway across the universe. “Who's cross-dressing?!”

“GUHHHHHHHHH!” Flash let go of the skirt with a flouncey flicker of petticoats and hugged the frying pant nervously to his chest, sweating. “JAMIE FARR!” His eyes darted frightfully at the corners of the room.

“Pinkie Pie...” Sunset Shimmer's voice echoed like a serious colonel's across a codec channel. “Go and fetch the rest of the girls. Tell them to meet up on school campus. Once there, we'll pony up and go out searching for who's responsible for this evil magic.”

“Okie dokie lokie! But... uhm... why not tell Dashie first? She can round up the girls faster!”

“Nah...” Sunset's dismissive sigh crackled over the chat. “Not today. She's being informed last.”

“Oh? How come?”

Sunset growled, “Because I stand with Hong Kong!”

The program chimed, announcing Sunset's glorious exit.

“Whelp... that sucks in the mucks,” Pinkie said deflatedly. “I'm awfully sorry, Flashie. Shall we postpone this for tomorrow night? You've got nothing planned for Sunday, right?”

The young man fumbled with his frying pan and humpback-whale-length blue hair. “Well, no, but—”

“Coolie-Crispies! Mwah!” Pinkie wetly kissed the digispace between them like a goofy auntie. “You're the best, Flashie! Like Rarity and Applejack say—you're Beta to the Max! Whatever that means. Heeheeheee—”

“Pinkie—”

“Dasvidaniya! Wouldn't wanna harm ya!” And she chimed out, bubbles and all.

“No, Pinkie, wait!” Flash reached a frilly sleeve out, but it was too late. With a sad sigh he sat on the edge of his bed, crossed his legs, and smoothed his skirt out. “Well... guess I've just got to wait it out...” His melancholic eyes shut. “...as usual.”

Silence.

The boy fidgeted. He reopened his eyes, frowning at all the pinkness adorning him. “There's gotta be something... less fru-fru'y to spend the time in.”

Without any other options, he flipped through the available movies... … ...until he saw Fantasia.

“Hmmmm... … ...” Flash tongued the inside of his mouth. “Fantasia doesn't have any princesses, does it?” With a sly grin, he eagerly slapped the “x” button on his Playstation controller.

Sure enough, Rapunzel's pink frock went away...

...and in its place he sprouted four horse legs, charcoal brown skin, and puffy pink lips.

“OH—” He gaped in horror, grasping at multiple hairbows. “OH WHAT THE F—”

A pair of ruby-red eyes narrowed with intense scrutiny.

A dingy laptop sat atop a table in some dark, hidden lair. Across its DOS screen, the green text read: "MAGICAL VIRUS UPLOADED. NUMBER OF DOWNLOADS: 0000000001”

The same lethargic pair of eyes reflected this dismally small number.

At last, with an off-key groan, Adagio Dazzle leaned back in her rusted folding chair, stretching her arms and fluffing her body-length amber hair.

“Hrnnnnngh...” Relaxing, she pivoted about and faced her contemporaries. “I don't know about this latest scheme of ours, girls. We've only had one pathetic soul bite.”

“Awwwwwww...” Sonata Dusk leaned to the side with a hopeful smile. “Just give it more time, 'Dajj! We're bound to raise an army at any point!”

Adagio glared at her. “It's already been fourteen hours, Sonata.”

“Oh! Uhm...” Sonata tapped her blushing lips. “...maybe open the European servers early? Eheheheh...”

“Unnngh!” Adagio slapped a palm to her forehead. “Tartarus in flames! Just whose brilliant idea was it to enslave the world's population with a militant group of forcibly cross-dressing princesses anyways?!?!”

“Whelp...” Aria Blaze lazily walked by, munching on twizzlers. “...there's always the racist centaur.”

Author's Note