The Increasingly Terrible Life of a Teenage Pony Princess

The train rolled across the hills. Flurry, used to the luxurious train her family used whenever going to an official visit, found the travel rather slow, but it didn’t matter much. Aside from her and her entourage, none of the ponies in the carriage were from the Crystal Empire – in fact, most of them were from Vanhoover. Thus, no one recognised her in the vest hiding her wings and a pair large glasses obscuring her face.

Rough Diamond, on the other hoof, was somehow attracting more attention than Flurry. She was the only actual crystal pony in the carriage and, slowly but surely, she learned to hate it.

“I swear, if one more kid touches me to see what my skin feels like, I’ll fucking kill them,” Rough Diamond muttered, sitting on her seat. She also had a disguise – a baseball cap and a t-shirt saying ‘I love Manehattan’.

“Shh.” Flash sighed. “If you have to complain, at least do that quietly.”

“Can I quietly murder someone?” Rough Diamond asked. “I have five knives under that t-shirt.”

Flash facehoofed. Rough Diamond had been mopey since they got on the train and he slowly realised that his disguise—an old, white suit and fake moustache—as well as the company of two young fillies made him look like a middle-aged pimp way past his prime.

“Also, what’s the deal with potatoes?” Rough Diamond asked. “Everyone in the dining car kept asking me if I want potatoes.”

Flash froze. This was one of the things he didn’t want to explain to any crystal pony. Unfortunately, Flurry did that for him.

“Back in Sombra’s times, crystal ponies were very poor,” she said, ignoring Flash’s warning looks. “Ponies in Equestria sometimes joke about that. Like, a crystal stallion sits with a crystal mare and she asks ‘do you love me more than potato?’ ‘You’. She doesn’t believe him and asks him why. He says, ‘because potatoes are only a dream and you’re here for real’. But there’s really no stallion. There are just hallucinations and death of malnourishment.”

Rough Diamond stood up. “Excuse me, I’m going to the dining car.”

“I hope you’re proud of yourself,” Flash said when Rough Diamond walked away.

“Oh, come on.” Flurry shrugged. “It’s not like she’s going to challenge everyone to a duel or something.”

Suddenly, the door to the carriage burst open, hit by a flying yak. The yak fell on the floor with a loud thud and rolled into a row of seats, knocking passengers down like a bowling ball. Rough Diamond walked in soon after that, looking at the destruction the yak left in his wake.

“Pony crazy!” the yak shouted.

Flash stood up and cleared his throat. “It’s not like I know this mare, but…” He looked at Rough Diamond. “What did he do to you?”

Rough Diamond shrugged. “He stood closest to the door.”

Flash nodded slowly, looking at the conductors who walked into the carriage, surrounding Rough Diamond. “As I said, I don’t know this mare.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle this.” Rough Diamond smirked and looked at the conductors.

“Good news,” Flash said when they got out of the train in Manehattan. “I discreetly explained who we are to the conductors and you’re not getting arrested.”

“You could’ve told them that before someone hit me with a club and locked me in the caboose,” Rough Diamond muttered.

“Then you wouldn’t learn,” Flurry said. She looked around the train station, trying to stretch her wings under the vest without anypony noticing. “Also, they wanted to kick you out of the train, but we were in the mountains.”

“Just great.” Rough Diamond sighed. “Anything else?”

“When we’re back, you’re going to the anger management class again,” Flash replied. “And racial sensitivity training.”

“Why?” Rough Diamond exclaimed. “It all started because of jokes about crystal ponies!”

Flurry shrugged. “The whole carriage full of ponies and you decided to throw a yak across the room. I agree with Flash, this just doesn’t look good.”

“You too?” Rough Diamond shook her head. “Just my luck.”

Rough Diamond only cheered up a bit when they got to Rarity’s boutique. Over the years, it grew considerably, although the club upstairs still existed and no amount of cash could convince its owner to sell it.

Flurry walked into the store and stopped immediately, looking at its shiny interior. It was bigger than most of the halls in her palace and filled with customers from all of Equestria. The workers were running around them, ready to find something ideal for them – no matter if they were a lowly farmer from Galloping Gorge, a movie star from Applewood, or a proud daughter of a buffalo chief.

“Welcome to Rarity for You. My name’s Plaid Stripes and I’ll be your guide,” said the young, orange mare with a neatly combed mane and perfectly straight, white teeth. She wore a strange, denim dress adorned with, among other things, hammers and nails.

“It’s a special order,” Flash whispered.

“Ah, of course!” Plaid Stripes exclaimed, slamming her forehead with her hoof. She turned to Flurry. “You’re Princ–”

“Say that aloud and I’ll have to kill everypony here,” Flash said.

“Don’t worry, he doesn’t mean it for real.” Flurry smirked. “Rough Diamond, on the other hoof...”

“What again?” Rough Diamond muttered.

“We need to get you a dress too, of course!” Flurry exclaimed. “Come on, let’s see what they have for us.”

Plaid Stripes nodded and grabbed a measuring tape. “Let’s get you two to the workshop. You can’t be seen without that vest, I guess?”

“Yeah, I–” Flurry was interrupted when Plaid Stripes dragged her and Rough Diamond towards the door behind the counter. She opened it and let them in before almost slamming Flash with it. He tried to open it, but it didn’t budge and he had to stay outside.

“Coco!” Plaid exclaimed when they entered another large room, littered with sewing machines and pieces of all kinds of fabric Flurry could name and a lot of others she’d seen for the first time in her life. “They’re here.”

An older, cream-coloured mare with glasses who was sitting behind a sewing machine raised her head. “Did you measure them?”

“I’m doing that right now!” Plaid Stripes poked Rough Diamond’s flank and measured her leg. “Big, thin, no ass, kind of like Princess Cadance…”

“My mom has an ass,” Flurry muttered, watching as Rough Diamond’s frown deepened.

“She doesn’t show it to the world, though.” Plaid Stripes patted Rough Diamond’s back. “Are you a crystal pony?”

Rough Diamond raised her eyebrows. “Uhh… Am I?”

“Okay, I know,” Plaid Stripes replied. “Were you always a crystal pony?”

“Careful,” Flurry said. “Every word you say around Rough may be your last…”

“Oh, don’t worry.” Plaid Stripes smiled at Rough Diamond. “After we’re done, we can go upstairs. There’s gonna be a cool party in there.”

“A party, you say?” Rough Diamond asked. “Great, maybe I finally won’t be completely humiliated. Or maybe we’ll even get la–” She paused, seeing that no one was listening to her – Flurry just removed her vest, revealing her wings. Plaid Stripes’ jaw dropped. Even Coco stood up and walked to Flurry, examining the feathers. She grabbed a notebook and made a few rough sketches, writing some notes on the margins.

“So, uhh…” Plaid Stripes looked around and grabbed a piece of fabric. “We’re gonna need holes for wings. Size, uhh… Did you ever have your wingpower measured? Asking out of curiosity.”

“Around twelve,” Flurry replied. “I once got it up to twenty-five, but I didn’t feel like making a hundred wing push-ups, a hundred sit-ups, a hundred squats, and ten kilometres running every day to keep that.”

“Plaid, remember that it’s not just the size,” Coco said. “It’s probably wingpower-to-weight ratio.”

Plaid looked at Flurry. “Well, about the weight… We’ll need more fabric here.”

“It’s pizza.” Flurry blushed.

“I knew Precious Gem was a bad influence.” Rough Diamond chuckled.

“Not that you’re better,” Flurry said. “And after all, you can make it bigger if I grow taller, right?”

“Taller?” Rough Diamond asked. “Maybe wider.”

“Look at yourself, Ms. No-Ass,” Flurry replied.

Coco looked at her notes and sketches. “Well, I guess we’ll get some rough versions done by tomorrow,” she said.

“It’d be easier if you two stood still for more than two seconds.” Plaid Stripes smiled.

“Look who’s talking.” Coco rolled her eyes. “Anyway, tomorrow we’re checking how the rough version looks on you and make additional measurements. Then we’ll draw a few designs for you to choose from. It may take a few weeks before we’re done, but you won’t have to be here for the whole process.”

“Okay,” Flurry said. “So, what about the party?”

“We’re not going to a party!” Flash exclaimed. He’d spent quite a while hanging around in the store and being given suspicious looks by a group of raccoons. Needless to say, this didn’t improve his mood at all.

“My dad told you to escort me to Manehattan and back,” Flurry said. “He didn’t say anything about parties.”

“Yes, but how am I supposed to protect you at a party?” Flash asked.

Flurry sighed. “Blend in with the crowd or something. Aren’t you the captain of the Royal Guard? Or you can just leave it to Rough Diamond. I guess no party is too scary for her.”

“I’d rather not go there to pick body parts after she’s done.” Flash shuddered. “You’re not going to any party.”

Suddenly, lightning struck somewhere outside the store. “I may get bored in the hotel room.” Flurry smiled sheepishly. “And my magic sometimes goes haywire when I’m bored.”

“How convenient,” Flash muttered. “You can flood this town for all I care, we’re not going to–”

“THOU SHALL ALLOW US TO GO TO THAT PARTY,” Flurry said, her eyes glowing.

“I… I think we may go to that party,” Flash said, staggering with his eyes crossed.

“What did you do?” Rough Diamond whispered.

Flurry shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I controlled his mind or something.”

“You can do that?” Rough Diamond asked.

“How would I know?” Flurry looked at Flash unsurely. “It never happened to me before.” She poked Flash. “Uhh… put on a dress?”

“Why would I do that?” Flash asked. “Also, don’t you have a party to attend?”

“Didn’t work now,” Rough Diamond said.

“You don’t say!” Flurry exclaimed. “But at least he lets us go to the party.”

Flash smiled. “I shall blend in with the crowd!”

Despite the passing years, Vinyl Scratch still refused to let anypony behind her turntables. Many tried, of course; Manehattan scene was a home to many young DJs, but so far none of them could match the rave legend. Flurry, who was back in her vest, was about to experience that.

“Nice moves, girl!” some colt exclaimed, watching her spin on the dancefloor.

“Thanks!” Flurry turned around to see what Rough Diamond was doing. “Is your dancing actually sword moves without the sword?” she asked.

“Eh, whatever works!” Rough Diamond chuckled. She was dancing with some kirin mare and two bat pony sisters. Several teenage colts were staring at them, their eyes wide.

“How come they’re swarming around you?” Flurry walked to her friend. She had to repeat the question a few times due to the loud bass drowning every conversation; eventually, she just focused her magic and sent it directly to Rough Diamond’s head.

Stop doing that! Rough Diamond thought. What do you want?

I’ve been wondering why those guys keep swarming around you, Flurry replied. Her telepathy was getting more and more accurate; it’d been months since she last missed the auditory cortex and accidentally read someone’s memories or made them empty their bowels. Still, for some reason most ponies were rather uncomfortable about having their brain probed.

I’m a crystal pony. Rough Diamond made a mental equivalent of an eye roll, which Flurry felt as a slight increase of electric activity in the motor cortex. Some of them wonder for how long you can see your seed after you cum inside a crystal vagina.

So, I’m not exotic enough for them? Flurry scoffed.

Not when you can see what a blowjob from a bat pony feels like or see how is kirin beer made. Look into their heads, you’ll see that the thinking is now taking place somewhere else. Rough Diamond’s neurons lit up with electricity when she started to laugh.

Flurry didn’t have to use telepathy to see that. She jumped between Rough Diamond and the bat ponies, landing in front of some colt with glasses who smiled at her.

Flash on your six, Rough Diamond thought.

Flurry turned back to look at Flash. She had to give him credit – he got rid of the suit, but still, his idea of what teenagers wore was at least twenty years behind. He even had a skateboard.

“What’s going on?” the colt in front of Flurry asked.

“My uncle,” Flurry replied. “He’s really overprotective.”

“Why?” the colt asked. “Aren’t you a grown up?”

“Oh, he keeps doing that since her parents died after the airship they were building exploded,” Rough Diamond said.

What the hell, Rough? Flurry mentally poked Rough Diamond’s hippocampus.

Don’t worry. We’re exotic, you have tragic past. Use it to your advantage, Rough Diamond thought.

“Oh.” The colt lowered his head.

“It was a long time ago,” Flurry said. “Can we go somewhere else? I’d rather get him off my tail.”

“Sure,” the colt replied. He turned to the two bat ponies. “Girls, we gotta bail.”

“Cool,” one of the mares said. She spun to the rhythm of the song and let out a high-pitched wail, causing the nearest ponies to wince and cover their ears. The colt and his two friends rushed to the exit, pushing themselves through the crowd. Flurry, Rough Diamond, and a kirin mare followed them; they ran down the staircase, next to the door of the now-closed Rarity for You and soon found themselves in the street. Even though it was late, there were still a lot of ponies around; most of them, as Flurry noticed, in various stages of intoxication.

“I think we lost your uncle,” the colt said. Flurry finally had a chance to look at him closer and noticed that he was slightly shorter than her, with messy mane and a cutie mark depicting a large Rubik’s cube. “By the way, my name’s Rubik’s Revenge.” He pointed at his friends, a bulky earth colt in a trench coat and a thin, blonde unicorn. “This is Discrete Mathematics and Card Trick. We’re in the math club together.”

“Oh great,” Rough Diamond muttered.

“I’m Warm Spring,” the kirin mare said. “I’m working at a brewery.”

“Rough Diamond.”

“Don’t ask her about potatoes, she hates that,” Flurry said.

“Oh, shut up, uhh…” Rough Diamond furrowed her eyebrows. “What’s your name anyway?”

Flurry looked around until her gaze landed on the blackboard in front of the nearby pub. “Espresso Martini,” she replied.

“Nice name.” Rubik’s Revenge nodded.

“Yours is nothing to sneeze at either,” Flurry muttered. She felt a slight breeze and saw that the two bat ponies from the club landed next to them. They were almost identical, but Flurry wouldn’t bet on them being twins – she’d seen enough of auntie Luna’s guards to find out that all bat ponies looked the same for her.

“Midnight and Midnight,” Discrete Mathematics said. He had a slow, deep voice suiting his looks. “I see you decided to join us.”

“Of course.” One of the bat ponies chuckled. “Why’d we miss such an interesting company?” She patted Warm Spring’s mane. “Midnight Dancer.”

“Midnight Knight,” the other bat pony said. “‘Knight’ with a ‘k’, yes, we are sisters, and no, we didn’t fuck each other.” She turned to Midnight Dancer. “Is it everything they usually ask us about?”

“You forgot ‘we won’t fuck each other even for a million bits’,” Midnight Dancer said and looked at Card Trick. “I know you wanted to ask that, blondie.”

“What about two million?” Card Trick asked.

Midnight Knight rolled her eyes. “Revenge, who did you bring here? I mean, a crystal pony, a kirin, and a unicorn in a vest already look like a setup of a lame joke, but where did you get this sweetheart?”

“He’s helping us with the algorithm,” Rubik’s Revenge replied. “In fact, we can go to the casino and test it right now.”

“Casino?” Flurry asked.

“Long story,” Discrete Mathematics said. “You see–”

“Shut up.” Card Trick frowned. “Are you gonna tell about our plan to every random filly you’ve met in a club?”

“Maybe,” Discrete Mathematics muttered. “Speaking of, we’d better get going. Her uncle may start looking for her.”

They trotted down the street. Card Trick stood on the pavement for a while before following them. “I still don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why?” Rubik’s Revenge asked. “The more the merrier, you said that yourself.”

“I don’t trust her.” Card Trick pointed at Rough Diamond. “She walks like a cop.”

Rough Diamond frowned. “Listen, dipshit, even if I were a cop, do you think we’re in the Crystal Empire right now? I’m kinda a guard but in the Crystal Empire everyone is.”

“Why?” Warm Spring asked.

Rough Diamond turned to Flurry and blinked. “We’re very good at hiding the fact that, even though we call themselves ‘The Crystal Empire’, the whole town is half the size of Manehattan. A lot of ponies end up in the army because everyone thinks King Sombra will jump out of someone’s ass again one day. And the worst thing is the royalty.” She looked at Card Trick and rolled her eyes. “A normal town would have a mayor, but no, we are the Empire. We have a princess and a whole court, not to mention–”

“Oh, I’ve heard that,” Flurry said. “Do you know that one filly-in-waiting who’s also a guard? I’ve heard the only thing bigger than her ego is a stick in her ass.”

“She’s not as bad as the young princess herself.” Rough Diamond smirked and for a moment Flurry thought she’d burst in laughter, breaking the masquerade. “Now this brat is crazy.”

“No wonder.” Flurry nodded. “Is it true that all Crystal Guards are geldings and catamites so they wouldn’t be tempted by her outstanding beauty?”

“Nah, that’d be the scouting detachments,” Rough Diamond replied.

“What about them?” Midnight Dancer asked.

“Inside joke,” Rough Diamond said. “You know, when they’re in the mountains and it’s cold–”

“What are they looking for in there?” Flurry asked. “Potatoes?”

Rough Diamond sent her a death glare. Her eye twitched, but before she could say something, Discrete Mathematics stopped so abruptly that she almost bumped into his back.

“What’s going on?” Rubik’s Revenge asked.

“Espresso’s uncle,” Discrete Mathematics said.

It took Flurry a while to realise who he was talking about. “Is he chasing us already?”

“It seems so.” Midnight Knight grabbed a small mirror with her wing and used it to see what was behind her.

“It won’t be a problem.” Card Trick produced a collapsible baton from under his shirt.

“It’s not a good idea,” Flurry said. “When I was ten, some madpony attacked us with such a baton and ended up with broken teeth, broken ribs, and a baton in the ass.”

She decided not to mention that the whole incident happened during the official visit in Canterlot; the other guards ended up having to protect the attacker from Flash as well as Rough Diamond, who decided to bite him.

“Let’s see if you can come up with something better.” Card Trick smirked.

“Oh, surely.” Flurry walked to the two policemares standing at the corner of the street and watching the crowd. “Excuse me, ma’am,” she said. “There’s some creep following us. He’s easy to notice. Middle-aged but tries to dress like a teenager and carries a skateboard.”

“A skateboard, eh?” the policemare asked. Despite the darkness, she wore a pair of sunglasses. “We’ll see… And you shouldn’t be here after dark. It’s dangerous.”

“Thanks,” Flurry smiled. “We were just going home.”

The other policemare looked at her. She was younger, chubbier, had a lot of freckles and a cherry-coloured mane. “Do I know you?” she asked. “I’m sure I’ve seen ya before.”

“M-maybe?” Flurry cursed under her breath, realising that she’d seen this mare before. Not in Manehattan, though; she had a vague feeling it was some Applejack’s relative.

“Seriously, it’s like I totally know you.” The policemare shrugged. “Maybe I arrested ya once?”

“Twice,” Flurry replied. “But I learned from my mistakes, I swear on my mom’s life.”

“Your mom’s dead,” Rough Diamond whispered.

Flurry rolled her eyes. “Okay, then filly scout’s honour.”

“Surely.” The policemare chuckled. “Go back home and I don’t want to see ya here again.”

“Okay.” Flurry nodded and ran to her companions.

“That was close,” Rough Diamond muttered.

“At least they’ll stop him for a while,” Rubik’s Revenge said. “What did you do to get arrested?”

“Oh… Something,” Flurry replied, frantically thinking of some crime she could commit. Unfortunately for her, the crime rate in the Crystal Empire was an all-time low; there weren’t many events she could draw inspiration from. ‘I, uhh… stole a taxi and drove it into the sea because Celestia told me to.”

“She’s a Horseshoe Bay mare, you know,” Rough Diamond deadpanned.

“Now that’s crazy.” Midnight Dancer smiled at Warm Spring and patted her back. “Have you ever done something this crazy before?”

“Worst I did was public urination, but it was because we ran out of beer,” Warm Spring muttered in her usual monotone. “And I got mad when the cops came so they charged me with arson too.”

“So it’s true what they say about kirins?” Rough Diamond asked.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” Warm Spring replied.

“I meant the beer part.” Rough Diamond winced. “Wait, where do you work?”

“Don’t worry. Not all kirins make beer.”

Rough Diamond furrowed her eyebrows. “This doesn’t answer my question.”

“The more you know…” Rubik’s Revenge shook his head. “And here we are.” He pointed at the building in front of him.

The establishment looked shiny in an almost vulgar way; Flurry and Rough Diamond were used to buildings with crystal walls, but in the Crystal Empire nopony usually adorned them with a ton of neons until the whole place could be seen from the moon. Bright, colourful signs invited any curious passerby to come inside and have a drink while playing roulette, blackjack, or poker. Other, more discrete signs suggested that there were other, more shady forms of entertainment available there.

Discrete Mathematics smirked. “Well, the game is on.”

Flash rushed down the street. He still had a vague idea that he shouldn’t have let Flurry go to the party and in fact, he didn’t exactly know why he did that. What was worse, he’d seen her running away with a bunch of suspicious individuals. Some of them were bat ponies too.

Flash had nothing against bat ponies in general. However, experience taught him that drinking with the members of Luna’s Guard could easily end in a gutter, without the wallet, and with the taste of vomit, bad decisions, and mangoes still in his mouth.

He looked around, trying to see where Flurry was. It was no use; the crowds were going in all directions, obscuring the view. He decided to take off and search for her from the sky when someone patted his back.

“What the–” He paused, seeing two policemares in front of him.

“Detective Copper Top,” the mare in sunglasses said.

“Recruit Officer Babs Seed.” The younger mare smirked at him. “We have a few questions.”

“Can this wait?” Flash asked. “I’m looking for my niece.”

Both policemares looked at each other. “Your niece, you say?” Copper Top gave Flash a long look, paying special attention to his clothes. “I can’t see much of a family resemblance.”

“Long story,” Flash replied. “Can I go now? It’s very important.”

“Important, you say?” Babs nodded. “Well, that’s interesting. This filly told us an interesting story, you know.”

“Oh, my niece often does that,” Flash said, furrowing his eyebrows. “She keeps running away from home and when the whole family is looking for her, she’s just hiding with some weirdos, laughing at us. Her poor mother must be worried sick and–”

“Funny you say that,” Copper Top muttered. “What did she say about her mother?”

“That shiny one said her mom’s dead.” Babs shrugged. “So, someone’s lying here.”

“Of course!” Flash exclaimed. “She’s a habitual liar. And that crystal pony is a part of the conspiracy!”

“What conspiracy?” Babs asked.

“You know what?” Copper Top looked at Flash. “I have a feeling that if she’s your niece then I’m princess Flurry Heart.”

“That’d be her,” Flash said.

“What?”

“She’s actually princess Flurry Heart,” Flash lowered his voice to a whisper. “In disguise, so she could go shopping in peace. I’m a royal guard tasked with protecting her but she ran away and her parents will be really angry if something happens to her.” He unfurled his wings. “I’ll get you both fired if you don’t help me!”

Copper Top fixed her sunglasses. “Okay, this was a funny conversation, but now you’ll go with us.” She turned to her assistant. “Babs, check if they have some free rooms in the nuthouse.”

“I’m not crazy! Don’t try that!” Flash exclaimed, seeing that Babs reached for a baton. “I was disarming ponies with such sticks before you were born!”

“Okay.” Babs raised her hoof. Flash only managed to look at it and recognise the dark outline of a crystal gun with a charged stunning spell when suddenly everything around him went black.

Copper Top watched as Flash dropped on the pavement, his tongue sticking out his mouth. “Looks like your response–” she removed her sunglasses, “– was pretty shocking.”

“Yeah,” Babs replied. “Let’s get him to the station and see what’s wrong with him. Maybe he’s high. Or maybe the shrinks are looking for him.”

Copper Top smirked and put her sunglasses on.

“Okay, just so we’re clear,” Card Trick said. “Revenge, Mathematics, and I are doing the counting while you distract the dealers. “Don’t try to play, at least not until you learn the algorithm.”

“Can I just play some poker?” Flurry asked. “Without counting, just for fun.”

“You’ll lose everything we win,” Card Trick replied and turned to Rubik’s Revenge. “Why did you even bring her?”

May I cast the Torment of Tantabus on this cream-faced loon and watch as he gouges his own eyes? Flurry’s voice rang in Rough Diamond’s head.

Stop doing that! Rough Diamond exclaimed, her every neuron rejecting Flurry’s thoughts, but without any noticeable effect. Also, cream-faced loon? Where did you get that? From auntie Luna?

Flurry shrugged mentally. How am I supposed to know the modern words if no one is allowed to swear in my presence? I only know stuff you and auntie Luna taught me.

Try shithead. Or faggot. He certainly looks like one, Rough Diamond replied.

You mean a bundle of sticks?

Rough Diamond facehoofed. Just make him shit himself or something.

“Stop staring at each other like this,” Rubik’s Revenge said. “It looks a bit creepy.”

Flurry smirked at him. “Okay, we’ll stop.” She turned to Card Trick. “How’s your stomach?”

Card Trick raised his eyebrows. “Now that you say it, it hurts a bit. I knew there was something wrong about that hayburger.”

“Good.” Flurry nodded. “Let’s get to that casino.”

They walked to the door and Flurry pushed it open. In the lobby, they were immediately intercepted by a large, bald stallion in sunglasses. “Get out,” he said. “We don’t let kids in.”

“We’re all eighteen,” Discrete Mathematics replied. “Unless you have to be twenty-one here, then we’re twenty-one.”

“Yeah, and my mother is Princess Cadance.” The bouncer rolled his eyes.

“What an amazing coincidence,” Flurry said. “She’s my favourite princess. Nice to meet her son.”

The guard chuckled. “You are amusing, but it’s really a bit past your bedtime. And we don’t let kirins in anyway.”

Warm Spring furrowed her eyebrows. “What? Why would you do that?” Flames erupted around her.

“This is why.” The guard grabbed a fire extinguisher and casually poured the foam on the carpet around Warm Spring. “Last year in Las Pegasus, a whole casino burned down because a group of kirins lost a million bits in a poker game.”

“Spring, chill out,” Midnight Knight said. “Surely, there must be something we can do–”

“Yes, you can get out before I call the police,” the bouncer replied.

Flurry cleared her throat. “THOU SHALL LET US IN!” she exclaimed. The lamps dimmed a bit and a chill breeze ran across the room, causing everyone to shiver.

“I… Uhh, I shall let you in?” The bouncer shrugged and smiled at her. “Yeah, I guess you can go. Have a nice day.” He scratched his head and staggered, resting himself against the wall.

“Thank you,” Flurry said and trotted away from him.

“How did you do that?” Rubik’s Revenge asked, catching up with her.

“Do what?”

“Royal Canterlot Voice,” Discrete Mathematics replied. “I thought only the princesses could do that.”

“Oh, it’s easy,” Flurry replied. “My aunt worked at the palace and she taught me–”

Rough Diamond chuckled. It soon turned into a fit of laughter oddly resembling a pig with hiccups.

“What?” Flurry asked.

“I’m sorry.” Rough Diamond wiped tears from her eyes. “But did you just imply that your aunt worked in the palace? As in, actually did some work?”

“Okay, I don’t get it.” Midnight Dancer looked at Flurry and Rough Diamond. “You seem to have a lot of aunts in the strangest of places. Not to mention a creepy uncle. And this crystal pony seems to know you better than she should.”

“Uhh…” Flurry looked around. “NONE OF THEE WANT TO QUESTION ANYTHING ME OR ROUGH SAY.”

“Yeah, the more you know…” Midnight Dancer shrugged and rubbed her temples. “Where are you from, anyway?”

“Crystal Empire,” Flurry replied. “And you don’t want to know what I’m hiding under that vest.”

“Yeah, I don’t.” Midnight Dancer smiled. It was a bit dopey grin, not unlike the bouncer’s expression when they left him.

“I’m glad we have this settled.” Flurry smirked and walked into the casino. It was pretty crowded; ponies flocked to the tables, playing craps, poker, roulette, blackjack, and other games Flurry didn’t know. Rows of slot machines stood by the walls – most of them occupied.

“Not bad,” Rough Diamond muttered, watching as Rubik’s Revenge, Discrete Mathematics, and Card Trick walked to the blackjack tables. “Try not to control too many minds.”

“Nah, I’d rather not.” Flurry looked around and walked to the craps table. The croupier passed her some chips while she stared at the table, trying to figure out the rules. “How do I play this?”

“You bet on the outcome of the roll,” the croupier replied.

“Ah, okay.” Flurry tried to levitate the dice, but they didn’t budge.

“They’re all enchanted,” the croupier said. “So unicorns don’t tamper with them.”

Flurry nodded. “Who’d even try that? But I think I’d rather play something less random.”

“We can play poker.” Rough Diamond pointed at another table. There were still two free seats there; Flurry took the seat next to some old lady while Rough Diamond sat between a bearded stallion who looked a bit like Sunburst, and a young mare with long, green hair. The rest of the players were some huge, muscular earth pony, and a changeling mare.

“Got some crystals?” The stallion smirked at Rough Diamond who rolled her eyes.

“Bite my shiny crystal ass,” she muttered.

“I’d be afraid of losing my teeth.”

“Oh, this may still happen.” Rough Diamond looked at the table and threw some chips on it. The green-haired mare followed by posting the big blind.

Soon, two cards landed in front of Flurry. She looked at them and smirked – it was a pair of black sevens. Flurry raised her head and looked around the table. The players were focusing on their cards, seemingly uninterested in what the others were doing. Flurry, however, noticed that the big earth pony was taking quick looks at her.

“Check,” Rough Diamond said, putting two five-bit chips on the table. Flurry’s mind went into overdrive; the mental image of Rough’s cards was a bit blurry at first, but soon it cleared, showing that her friend had, quite fittingly, a king of diamonds and a seven of diamonds.

Get out of my head, Rough Diamond thought. I can see you.

Don’t worry, I’ll help. Flurry immediately switched to the mind of the green-haired mare, who also decided to check.

Soon, she was flooded with memories. The green-haired mare was, in fact, a male changeling in disguise. His name was Scapula, but as of late he was known as Green Fairy. There was nothing special about his cards, though; just a queen of hearts and a nine of clubs.

“Are you just going to sit and stare?” the bearded stallion asked Flurry.

“Oh yeah…” Flurry smiled sheepishly and grabbed her chips. “Raise.”

“First time here?” the old lady asked. “Say goodbye to your money. Raise.”

Good luck, with that jack of diamonds and two of clubs, Flurry thought. She also learned that the old mare’s name was Royal Card and that she used to play cards on a casino by the lake about sixty year ago; apparently she drank all the whisky, banged all the stallions, and then someone burned down the casino by casting a spell that lit the ceiling on fire. The memories of smoke over the water were suddenly interrupted by the old mare thinking that it’d be fun to bang the changeling. The mental image made Flurry blush. She quickly left the old mare’s head and decided to check what was going on with the big stallion.

His memories were a bit hazy; Flurry could tell he was from some place pretty far away and that he spent quite a lot of time firing a minigun at someone. The previous raises scared him too; with a jack of clubs and three of diamonds, he decided to fold.

Changeling’s mind was surprisingly tough to read. Flurry guessed it was because, unlike Scapula, she was in her true form. After a while, she managed to read that her name was Axilla and some blurry memory of the hive. Her cards, however, remained a mystery.

“Okay.” The bearded stallion grabbed the cards and dealt the flop. Flurry barely managed to keep a straight face when she saw a four of hearts, four of clubs, and ten of diamonds.

You’d better fold, she thought to Rough Diamond.

No shit. Rough Diamond rolled her eyes. “Fold.”

“Fold,” Scapula/Green Fairy said.

“Raise.” Flurry looked at Royal Card.

“Raise,” the old mare said.

What does she have? Rough Diamond’s voice rang in Flurry’s mind.

Nothing at all, Flurry replied just as Axilla decided to fold. At the last moment, Flurry managed to get in tune with her short-term memory and saw an ace of hearts and a jack of spades.

Then why doesn’t she fuck off? Or die?

She might as well do both. Flurry smirked.

“Fourth street now.” the bearded stallion put the card on the table. “Ready to part with your money, ladies?”

Flurry looked at the new card – two of hearts. “Raise,” she said, adding more chips to the pot.

“You’re a crazy one, kid,” Royal Card hissed. “Wanna play sharp? I’ll show you sharp. Raise.”

The bearded stallion shook his head and put another card on the table. Flurry sighed with relief, seeing that it was a king of hearts.

“You need to work on your face,” Royal Card whispered to her. “You keep blushing and smiling… I can almost read your mind. You were bluffing the whole time and now we’ll see that.”

“Almost, yeah.” Flurry smirked. “And you have to work on your cards.” She turned the cards, revealing a pair of sevens.

“Aww, shit,” Royal Card muttered as Flurry levitated the chips towards herself.

The game went on. Soon, there was a sizeable stack of chips in front of Flurry and only a bit smaller one in front of Rough Diamond. Several players, including both changelings, ran away from their table. The zebra in a uniform sat next to Rough Diamond for a while and soon lost what looked like half of his country’s military budget. Royal Card shuddered and grabbed some pills from her purse.

Just as Flurry folded right in time to avoid Royal Card’s pair of aces, Warm Spring walked to them. “Rubik’s Revenge says their system works,” she whispered. “They won two thousand bits in blackjack. How are you do–” Her eyes widened when she saw Flurry’s chips. “How much is that?”

“Around fifty thousand. I lost count.” Flurry shrugged. “Can you get me something to drink?”

“No problem.” Warm Spring put a cup in front of Flurry.

“Thanks.” Flurry took a sip. “Eww… This beer tastes like piss.”

“I’m doing my best,” Warm Spring muttered.

Flurry looked at her unsurely, but decided not to question this, especially since something else caught her attention. For some reason, their table got empty. Royal Card disappeared somewhere, just like pretty much everyone. Only Flurry and Rough Diamond stayed, each with their chips still in front of them.

Rough Diamond looked at Flurry, but before she could ask a question, three stallions walked up to them. All of them wore expensive suits and, for some reason, tinfoil hats.

Flurry chuckled. “What happened? Did we win enough to buy this place?”

The stallion in the middle smirked and looked at her. He had an eyepatch and his face looked like someone used it to sharpen knives at some point in the past. “Funny you mention that,” he said. “Let’s just say we keep an eye on those who win in suspicious circumstances.”

“What is suspicious about this?” Rough Diamond asked, trying hard not to notice the stack of poker chips in front of her.

The stallion furrowed his eyebrows. “You’d better come with us.”

“We aren’t going anywhere,” Flurry said, trying to reach the stallion’s mind. Unfortunately, all she got were some blurry images, distorted by the tinfoil.

The three stallions chuckled. “Nice try,” the one with the eyepatch said. “But it’s not enough.”

“You’ll go too.” The other stallion aimed a fire extinguisher at Warm Spring.

Do we fight? Rough Diamond thought.

Not here. Flurry stood up. “I still think it’s a misunderstanding.”

“We’ll see.” The stallions led Flurry, Rough Diamond, and Warm Spring to a room in the back of the casino. Rubik Revenge, Discrete Mathematics, Card Trick, Midnight Dancer, and Midnight Knight were already there; Card Trick had a black eye.

“The bats talk too much,” the stallion with the eyepatch said. “Not the best idea telling the bartender how you got here.”

“Well, controlling the bouncer’s mind was a new thing,” the other stallion said. “He still seems like he has cat food instead of brain. You’re an interesting bunch of kids.”

“For the record, I only met them today,” Card Trick muttered. “I’m a lawful citizen. Card counting is not a crime.”

“Shut up!” the stallion with the eyepatch exclaimed. “Normally, we only kick ponies out–”

“Well, sometimes we ask them which limb they want to have broken,” the other stallion said.

“– but this is something different,” his boss finished, ignoring him. “That’s why we called the police.”

The door opened. Copper Top and Babs Seed walked in, looking at the scene.

“Well, well, well,” Copper Top said, looking at Flurry. “Who do we have here?”

Flurry spread her wings, ripping her vest apart. “I can’t get arrested!” she exclaimed, charging her horn. “I’m a princess!”

“Whoa!” Midnight Dancer’s eyes widened as she looked at Flurry’s wings. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Get down and cover your ears!” Flurry aimed her horn at the wall. “We’re get–” She dropped on the ground, hit by the stunning spell from Babs’ crystal gun.

“A princess playing poker, huh?” Copper Top took her sunglasses off. “Now that’s what I call royal flush…”

“Yeah,” Babs muttered.