Analysis Anarchy: The Red Spy

~Echo Nymph's POV~

"Before we continue, would you happen to have an up-to-date life insurance policy?" Dr. Wolf asked the newest applicant for the Blu Team.

Since today was a quiet day, I thought I could help Dr. Wolf with choosing the next candidates for the Blu Team, while Firebrand was off doing something else. I never asked.

For the Blu Team, we already have that red Pegasus, ToonKriticY2K, as the Soldier. And KeyFrame as the Medic. That only leaves seven more spots: Pyro, Scout, Demoman, Sniper, Heavy, Spy and Engineer.

As the Red Team's new Spy, it is customary to wear the Red Spy outfit. Which consisted of the Red Spy collared shirt, red blazer and tie, matching pants with a red mask. Hey, as long as I'm not wearing stupid dresses, I don't care.

Like Mad Munchkin, the Red Soldier, I got to keep my glasses. I can't see a thing without them.

Before the applicant could reply, a pink blur zoomed in and entered the office, knocking the applicant into the air an out of the shack.

It was a Pegasus mare with light pink fur, blonde, curly mane and tail tied in a ponytail, and blue eyes. She wore a white shirt under a deep blue sweater and black pants.

"You guys are doing a thing?" She asked, then beamed, "I wanna do a thing! Can I be part of the thing?"

"Uh... Miss. Bloom. We were already in the middle of interviewing an applicant here." Dr. Wolf told the Pegasus in a calm and gentle tone.

That got her interest, "Ooooh. Application for what?"

"We're looking for new additions to the Blu Team for TF2." Dr. Wolf answered.

"Would you be interested in participating?" I asked. Dr. Wolf glanced over at me with a raised brow.

"Oh, yeah. I think I've heard of that." She smiled, then asked, "Can I join?"

Dr. Wolf rubbed his chin in uncertainty, "Well... How much do you know about the various forms of combat we go through here?"

The Pegasus drew a blank and her smile fell, "Uh... One second." Then she left the shack.

"Friend of yours, Doc?" I asked, once she was gone.

Dr. Wolf nodded, "Yes. That was Sweetie Bloom. She... Can be... A little unpredictable."

I rubbed my chin in thought, "Unpredictable, huh? That might be helpful."

Suddenly, there was a loud noise of explosions, screaming, quote references and gunfire?

"What the-?" I gasped, before Sweetie Bloom returned, covered in soot and dust, "I am now proficient in gaming combat." Voices groaned and moaned outside of the shack. "Sort of..." Sweetie Bloom finished, scrunching her muzzle.

"What the heck happened out there?" I asked in shock.

"Okay..." Dr. Wolf started, then asked, "Do you have any idea how to use a shotgun?"

"Point and shoot?" Sweetie Bloom answered.

"What about a cloaking field?" Dr. Wolf asked.

"Why? Is the field cold?" Sweetie asked, confused.

"Okay. Way too much Pinkie Pie." I blurted, scratching the back of my head.

The Pegasus and wolf glanced at me with raised eyebrows. I scrunched my muzzle and avoided eye contact. Then there was another explosion outside the shack. More voices screamed and moaned in panic and pain.

Sweetie Bloom threw a cute, Ditzy look, "Sorry about that."

"Perhaps, building a teleporter, then?" Dr. Wolf asked, resuming the questions.

"I cannot do it, Captain." Sweetie Bloom answered in a Scottish accent, quoting Scotty from Star Trek.

"That was quite good." I smiled. (That's right. I'm a Trekkie.)

Dr. Wolf sighed, "Oi..." Then regained himself, "Look, Miss. Bloom, Miss. Nymph and I appreciate your willingness to contribute. But, at the very least, we need individuals who show some knowledge on how to use the equipment we have." Then he asked, "Is there anything that you think you can handle?"

Sweetie Bloom rubbed her chin in thought.

"Well, Doc. I noticed you only spoke about technology and ranged weapons." I spoke up, "What about close combat? Melee? Swords and daggers? That kind of thing."

Before anyone can answer my question, Firebrand entered the office, covered in blood, "Hi. I was just dissecting a Hippogriff. Don't have a license. Takes me a while. And suddenly, a Pony come careening through the wall from an explosion, and I accidentally cut off a limb." Then he asked, "What's up?"

"Oh, that's why we heard someone screaming about their leg..." I answered in clarity.

Sweetie Bloom frowned, "Oh... My bad." Then explained to the Medic Soldier, "I was just trying to figure out which weapons I know how to use." Then her eyes brightened, "Actually, that reminds me. I've had some practice using this."

From her back, Sweetie drew out a beautifully designed clay-more sword. It looked like a sword from the Highlander series or Braveheart. Firebrand took a step back in fear.

Sweetie narrowed her eyes at him, "You remember this, right Firebrand?"

"Yes." Firebrand answered, "And you tried to throw the sword at me, like Prince Phillip, but smashed furniture instead. Whether that's from you having the depth perception of a cyclops, or having the throwing arm of a filly, I'm not sure."

Offended, Sweetie glared at Firebrand, "Not a fan of my throwing arm, huh? Well, maybe I'll do better in close-quarters?" She walked closer to the wary Unicorn and broke into a good Scottish accent, "Practice makes perfect. I'll show you what a filly can do!"

Then she started swinging her weapon at Firebrand. Firebrand tried to reason with her, but Sweetie Bloom wasn't listening. Dr. Wolf took a step back, while I grabbed a bag of popcorn from the desk, and watched the ordeal. Firebrand wasn't fighting back and got hurt... Badly.

An idea hit me during the entire conflict between the random Pegasus and bloody Unicorn.

After Sweetie Bloom calmed down, she returned to me and Dr. Wolf and sighed, "I dunno. I guess I'm not experienced enough." She frowned sadly and sulked, "Sorry about wasting your time." Then she waved, "Have fun with your project."

"Hold on, Sweetie." I spoke up, "I think we might have a position for someone like you."

Dr. Wolf nodded in agreement, "Indeed. We actually do need someone who's decent at melee, randomly breaks into a Scottish accent and, occasionally makes things explode."

Sweetie Bloom started getting her smile back.

I nodded, "And good depth perception isn't a requirement."

"Really?" Sweetie asked excited, "What is it? What is it?"

I put a black eye-patch over her left eye, "Congratulations, Sweetie Bloom. You are the Blu Team's DemoPony."

Sweetie Bloom squeaked in excitement and joy, and she dashed out of the shack. All that was left were Dr. Wolf, myself, and Firebrand, who was laying of the ground, covered in blood, cuts, scrapes and bruises.

Dr. Wolf walked over to the wounded Medic, "You're actually a trained soldier. How do you keep getting beaten like this?"

"I refuse to fight women." Firebrand answered the best he could, "They're soft."

"That's sexist, Josh." I scolded, feeling offended.

"Didn't you, once, stabbed Eliyora repeatedly?" Dr. Wolf reminded.

"Hey! She was already dead!" Firebrand argued, "That doesn't count."

I took a double-take, "Wait, what?"

Dr. Wolf did the same, "Dead?"

"She got better." Firebrand answered innocently.

"But, aside from that being impossible, you make it sound like pain and death don't have consequences." Dr. Wolf pointed out.

"This is TF2. They really don't." Firebrand answered simply.

I thought back on the videos I watched of TF2 and nodded in agreement, "Can't argue with that. Team Fortress 2 truly doesn't give a damn about death and pain."

Then Silver Quill arrived, holding one of his legs in his arms and covered in blood as well. He glared at Firebrand, "Reattach this... NOW!"

I made the right choice joining these guys...