We Present To You A New Questby Split ScimitarChaptersPush Button ‘B’Here We Go, Off The RailsGetting the Band Back TogetherIt’s Coronation Day! It’s Coronation Day!A Honeylune WeddingPush Button ‘B’“Joshua departure, Neo Kid 1 off Victorville, 5.3 for 8,000.” “Neo Kid 1, Joshua departure. Radar contact. Climb and maintain FL250. Proceed direct Hector, expect FL350.” “FL250, direct Hector, FL350, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, contact Los Angeles Center, 133.2.” “133.2, Neo Kid 1.” “Los Angeles Center, Neo Kid 1, direct Hector, 11,200 climbing FL250.” “Neo Kid 1, Los Angeles Center, roger. Climb and maintain FL350.” “Climb 350, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, descend via the COYOT Five arrival. Sky Harbor information Charlie current. Wind 090 at 5, 10 miles visibility, sky clear, temperature 32, dewpoint 5, altimeter 30.12. Currently landing east.” “Copied, thank you. Neo Kid 1.” Rosalina then says, “my radios. You can concentrate on the flying.” “Alrighty.” “Wow, it’s a hot one in Phoenix today.” “Par for the course actually. 90 at… noon? A bit high for late-October, but within 5 degrees.” “Hmm.” She responds. “Neo Kid 1, contact Phoenix Approach on 128.65.” “128.65,” Rosalina responds setting it for the switch, “Neo Kid 1.” “Phoenix Approach, Neo Kid 1, COYOT arrival.” “Neo Kid 1, Phoenix Approach, Roger.” A few minutes after we reach COYOT waypoint, Phoenix calls. “Neo Kid 1, Phoenix.” “Neo Kid 1, go ahead.” Rosalina responds. “Are you familiar with the Phoenix metro area?” “Affirm.” Rosalina responds after I nod at her. “Neo Kid 1, roger. Can you proceed on a long base to runway 7R, following I-17?” I take the transmission for her. “Affirm.“ “Neo Kid 1, roger. Cleared visual approach runway 7R. Follow I-17. Report Metrocenter Mall if I don’t call you before then.” “Cleared visual 7R following I-17, report Metrocenter Mall, Neo Kid 1.” “Well, this should be interesting. We’ll literally follow the freeway in right below us, and if I remember correctly, it’ll literally take us to the threshold. Once we meet Loop 101 or 202, I forget, I’ll hand fly base to final.” “Okay. And per maps, it’s loop 101.” “Is it?” I ask looking at the map she shows us. “Oh! We meet I-10, which becomes Loop 202. I’ll hand fly from I-10.” “Okay.” As I adjust altitude to stay within Phoenix Class B airspace, I configure the aircraft as normal. Below 230 knots, set flaps 1. Below 200 knots, set flaps 2. Runway in sight, lower landing gear. Below 185 knots, set flaps 3. “Sky Harbor Airport information Charlie…” “Good, no changes to the weather.” Below 177, set flaps full. 1000. 100. 50. 40. 30. 20. 10. Touchdown. Spoilers up, brakes on. 2 in reverse. “Neo Kid 1, turn right H6, H6 H to Cutter, ground 132.55.” “Right H6, H6 H to Cutter, ground 32.55, Neo Kid 1.” Cleaned up, lights good, Cutter is the left right before H3. Shut down, fees paid, a couple hundred gallons of fuel, and I return with Sunset Shimmer. Passenger brief, settled comfortably, next stop: Amarillo. Cruising at FL330, we meet Route 66 just before the start of happy hour (14:00). Rosalina does all the honors and returns with her brother without me ever leaving the ramp. Onward to Ar-Kansas. In her elder sister’s absence, Mac will take the reigns of the farm’s picking, while Granny Smith decides to handle the deliveries. In fact, Mac has gone as far as Oklahoma to deliver special ordered batches of apples, a first as usually their products are shipped commercially. One bakery in particular has caught Mac’s interest. Wanting to know, but figuring it’s too early to pry, I wish him luck and make him promise to tell me about it when we next meet. Our next stop is Opa Locka, picking up the stylistically diametric but nevertheless dynamic duo of Vinyl Scratch – aka DJ Pon-3, and Octavia Melody, cello connoisseur. While they reside in Pompano Beach, Opa Locka is the only airport that doesn’t have strict noise abatement rules or absurd landing fees, which is why I use it. The duo has a gig in Manhattan beforehand, so after setting a reminder for that, we’re off to Indianapolis to pick up Twilight. It’s been a couple months since we last saw each other, and when she left it didn’t end well. “Hi Max.” She says acting cordial but obviously hiding something. “Hey Twilight.” I respond despondently. “I’m really sorry about last time. I know you were upset, but you knew I did smoke beforehand.” “It’s fine. I kind of overreacted, but you have to understand that we had every right to be upset. You know that we want what’s best for you, and that in my eyes firmly includes being smoke-free.” “I hope you know that I’m just getting my money’s worth. Those are sunk costs, and in the years it took me to acquire them, I always knew I’d quit. Now that I’m down to my last few boxes, I hope that I can be done with them when I run the last one dry.” “Well, of course! It’s not like you’re addicted are you?” “No. I can still quit if I want to.” “You know, that doesn’t help me at all.” “Ah Ha Ha,” I respond boisterously. “You needn’t a thing to worry about.” “Uh, that does nothing to help your case. Come on, you know just as well as I do that it doesn’t take much to become an addict.” “Of course not. I conquered smoking at 16 under my own power when I was 18. I had a hard relapse at 23 because of personal issues. I’ve been on and off since then, and now I’m riding out the last wave. This should be the final off.” “Even so, I can’t let you smoking like hot food go unchecked.“ “Smoking like hot food?” I chuckle. “That’s a new one.” “Well, it is just ‘harmless’ water vapor.” She responds sarcastically. “Touché.” Once aboard, she starts talking to Lockie before I ask Sunset when Rainbow and Fluttershy are meeting us in New York. Rainbow lands at LaGuardia in the afternoon, and Fluttershy is into Newark in the late afternoon, the same day. Westchester County airport is full, Gabreski all the way in the Hamptons is also unable to accommodate, I don’t have a waiver to fly into LaGuardia, Newark is not an option due to the current flow situation down there (traffic metering with an upcoming runway change), we can’t make Teterboro, and for sure aren’t going down in the Hudson. Unfortunately, this means, “Neo Kid 1, per available parking, cleared to Kennedy airport via Delancey - Delta-November-Yankee; V483, Deer Park - Delta-Papa-Kilo, transition ILS 22L.” “Cleared to JFK via Delancey V483 Deer Park, expect ILS 22L, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, readback correct. Crossing Delancey, reduce speed to 230 knots.” “230 after Delancey, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, contact New York approach on 128.12. Good day.” “28.12, good day, Neo Kid 1.” “New York approach, Neo Kid 1, 7,000.” “Neo Kid 1, New York approach, good evening. Descend and maintain 3,000.” “3,000, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, reaching 3,000, slow to 170 knots, cleared ILS approach runway 22L via Deer Park. Maintain 3,000 until established.” “170 knots at 3,000. Cleared ILS 22L via Deer Park, maintain 3,000 until established, Neo Kid 1.” When we level off at 3,000, I call out, “Below 230, set flaps 1.” “Maintain 170 knots. Flaps set.” Rosalina calls back, “flaps 2 at your discretion.” “I’ll call it for you.” I say as I reset the airspeed bug to 170. “Alright. Approach brief?” “Do you have a chart?” I ask looking over at her. “Do you want to see mine?” “Sure. I’ll hold it, you can just fly.” “You want to brief it?” “I’ll just give you the altitudes. If we don’t get lower, expect glideslope capture at 3,000. Otherwise, 1,800. Missed approach procedure: climb to 500, then climbing left turn 3,000 intercept Kennedy radial 190 to CHANT and hold.” “Thank you. Mode set to nav. Localizer set on 110.9. Autopilot set, once heading bug switches off, flaps 2.” “Got it.” Localizer captured. “Neo Kid 1, Radar service terminated. Contact Kennedy tower now, 119.1.” “19.1, Neo Kid 1.” Rosalina keys back. “Kennedy tower, Neo Kid 1, ILS 22L.” “Neo Kid 1, Kennedy tower. You’re number 1. Runway 22L, cleared to land, traffic will be holding in position.” “Cleared to land 22L, Neo Kid 1.” “Below 200 knots, flaps 2.” I call immediately after she acknowledges ATC. “Got it.” “Virgin 46, traffic landing the parallel runway, runway 22R, cleared for takeoff, fly the Canarsie climb.” “Cleared for takeoff 22R, Canarsie climb, Virgin 46.” “Lower landing gear.” “3 green, down and locked.” She calls when the lights change from red to green. “Below 185 knots, flaps 3.” “Three.” Rosalina says as I throttle back to our approach speed. “Below 177, flaps full please.” “Set. 1000 to go.” “Thank you.” 500. Environment in sight. Autopilot disengage. Hand fly to landing. 100. 50. 40. 20. 10. Touchdown. Spoilers up, brakes on, 2 in reverse. “Neo Kid 1, right J, cross runway 22R no delay, J A Q Q4 to Sheltair, monitor 121.9.” “J, cross 22R, no delays, J A Q Q4, Sheltair, 21.9, Neo Kid 1.” Taking the high speed taxiway J, thankful the surface isn’t wet, I make quick work across the parallel, shutting off all the bright lights once across as we coast comfortably to our parking. “Neo Kid 1, Kennedy ground. Hold short of Q4. You’ll be waiting for the Chicken charter.” “Short of Q4, Neo Kid 1.” Rosalina responds. “Why didn’t they go to Liberty?” I then ask. “If I knew, I’d’ve said so. Then again, I’m a 49ers fan, so…” “I’m more annoyed that they don’t use their hometown airline. Bear down.” “Delta 12, please tell me everyone’s aboard.“ Ground groans impatiently. A long pause on air leads me to believe they’re on 121.65. “Neo Kid 1, hold short of PC, traffic will be taxiing out and onto runway 13R.” “Short of PC, Neo Kid 1. What’s the type?” “A330… -200.” “Wow. Can’t even give ‘em a Neo.” “Hahahaha!” The controller keys back. “Just for that, stop.” “Wouldn’t expect anything less, Neo Kid 1.” I say gently applying the brakes. “Delta 12, if you’re not out of the ramp in the next 15 minutes, you will be towed, and your new flow time will be in 2 1/2 hours.” “Roger, Delta 12, Seattle’s in flow too. We just heard from company.” “I understand, but what’s the hold up? I have a diversion that can’t take the ramp until you leave.” “Company‘s updating us on Seattle. Should be 5.” “I’m this close to flagging you for a false start.” “Company doesn’t want us to leave until we get a flow time in Seattle, and we can’t get a flow time there until we get a flow time out of here. Plus, we’re short a few passengers on the manifest.” “Well, are you ready to go? Is everyone on board?” “Affirm.” “Delta 12, clearance delivery 35.05 for a reroute. In the meantime, as soon as you’re able, runway 13R, full length from PF. We’ll park you there in the meantime.” “On the way.” “Neo Kid 1, behind the chickens, Q Q4.” “Behind the 12’s, Q Q4, Neo Kid 1.” Once parked, we shut down and are greeted by a lineman and the manager on duty. “Evening.” The lineman greets. “Welcome to JFK.” He calls as he grounds the aircraft. “Welcome to Kennedy Airport.” The manager says. “We understand you were not originally intending to land here, but New York Approach told us there was no space elsewhere for you.” “That is true. Can you hold us for a week or will we have to move?” “As far as I can tell, you shouldn’t need to move. We’re reservation only, but since you were an extraneous circumstance, you have a valid reason to be here. I’ll have to talk with Port Authority, since they collect most of the fees. I think there’s a discount for diversions. What was your original destination?” “Westchester.” “Okay. Come with me, we’ll get this worked out. Been here for quite a few years now, these types of things still are pretty rare.” I chuckle and tell my passengers to wait while I take care of all the paperwork. A few minutes later, I emerge with temporary ramp passes, an invoice with itemized charges, including a 50% discount for diversion parking, and a cup of coffee. Once we’re out of the airport, Rosalina and Lockie head straight for the Mushroom World using one of my Focus RS she claimed in the divorce papers. This particular one is Nitrous Blue, a very appropriate color for her in the Mushroom World, especially as a place where there is a huge car scene in the mainstream. Of course, the others aren’t short of a ride, as we all fit comfortably in my Escalade ESV, license plate ‘MLPEQG13’. Since I have to be here for tomorrow’s arrivals, we’re staying at my Manhattan residence. Before we leave, I text Rarity. “Westchester Airport was full. Had to land at Kennedy. Do you want me to pick you up or do you want to drive into the city?” “I just picked up Sweetie Belle, and she’s gonna stay with me a little while after the wedding, so we’ll meet you in Manhattan. Your residence?” “Oui, mon château.” “😘” With that, I put the Escalade in gear, map out the quickest way to the house, and head out of Kennedy. The quickest way in is via the Midtown Tunnel, so once we emerge right by the United Nations, I decide to catch 42nd and drive by the boutique on the way. As I stop at the intersection of Madison and 42nd, I watch pedestrians crossing absentmindedly, but soon after the stop timer begins counting down, my heart drops to my stomach. “Holy shit.” I mumble audibly to myself. “Never in a million years.” “What’s wrong?” Applejack asks. “You see that man? The one wearing the thick trench coat over a sky blue shirt? The one who looks decidedly Filipino?” “Yeah?” “That’s one of my cousins. We were pretty close back then.“ “Sugarcube, I am so sorry you had to see him.” “Don’t be sorry, are you kidding? You know how happy I am to see him here, successful and happy? If he lives in SoHo, he’s accomplished one of his dreams.” “But he’s one of yer sorry excuses for family.” “Would you stop referring to my birth family as less than? They’re human too! Besides, he was actually the last one to disown me. Hell, if the family hadn’t made him choose, I’m pretty sure he’d still acknowledge me as a relative, and a friend.” “Then why did he disown you?” “Because the family made him choose, and he had to stay loyal to the family. I don’t fault them for it, I almost encouraged it.” “Why?” “Because the place I attempted suicide was the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s still funny that my extended family were more loyal to me than my actual flesh and blood. If only Rainbow Dash was with us. She of all people would understand.” “Maybe, but what matters is that we met you. And I’ll be honest, I don’t think we met by chance.” “You think some grand powerful force in the universe brought us together?” “Yea! I don’t know how religious ya’ are, but I don’t think you and Rarity met by accident.” “Meta AF, AJ.” When we pull in to the house, I ask if anyone else is coming. Starlight Glimmer is coming back, once again on behalf of Princess Twilight, to explore other worlds beyond ours and Equestria. Arrival into LaGuardia at 7:00 am means I can pick her up. After all, I’ll have Dash and Fluttershy to grab too, and from there, we can go straight to the pipes. Since it’ll be everyone’s first time, customs will need to create new files for the newcomers. From there, we’ll be housed in most likely Toad Harbor at the castle over there, obviously so we’re all there for the coronation, and because there’ll be too many of us if we stay in Toad Town, and that’s before the literal cross-country distance between the two. The time zone difference between each side of the MK is five hours, but it doesn’t take that long to traverse the kingdom as the highways have no speed limit. However, while the roads may seem simple and fun, the rules are quite a bit nuanced depending on where you are. I’ll explain that once we clear customs. In the meantime, we’ll wait for Rarity and Sweetie Belle. “Either of you hungry?” I text Rarity. Sweetie Belle replies from her phone, “I could go for some pizza. Rarity wants you to wait though. Until we get there.” “Of course. I assume you’re on your way now, since you’re doing all the talking.” “Yeah.” “Where you at?” “In the Bronx.” “Alrighty. No one else is that hungry, but since it is late, we oughta eat.” “Cool. Friendly reminder that Scootaloo is landing at JFK at 10:00 tomorrow.” “Okay. Starlight Glimmer lands at 7:00 at LaGuardia. If you have your way, you may have to pick her up.” “I’ll do it!” “Tell Rarity since you’ll be driving her car.” “Cool!” Not 10 minutes later does Rarity’s Lexus park curbside. We exchange hugs before they claim a bedroom, to which I get ready for the night. With an early day ahead of me and not being fully acclimated to eastern time, I’m too tired to eat. Up at 5, running by 6, plenty of wiggle room for the little drive to LaGuardia means I can pleasure cruise. Nevertheless, I’m there with plenty of time to spare. I decide to park and do the proper chauffeur thing since I don’t have her contact info. Holding a paper sign dressed in a golf shirt and cargo shorts, I feel a bit of a berk because I’m underdressed for the occasion. Even so, Starlight finds me and we share a hug even though she has a duffel bag in one hand and a cup of hot cocoa in the other. Not much fanfare on either of our parts, we head for the Escalade and make for Manhattan, where upon our arrival, Sweetie Belle is out the front door to get Scootaloo. Waving to the two of us, she heads out just as I set a timer for the last two arriving passengers; Rainbow into LaGuardia at 15:00, and Fluttershy into Newark at 16:30. As Starlight gets comfortable in the kitchen, I decide to nap, waking up a couple hours later, greeting Scootaloo with a handshake and hug before the three of them head up the block for pizza and hot dogs. I follow them out but instead get a pretzel and mustard. I return after eating 2 pretzels, not sparing any mustard. It’s been a while since I’ve had a street pretzel from NYC, and this didn’t disappoint. The girls I can see have a giant pizza pie amongst the three of them, and proper Brooklyn style too. Scootaloo also has a hot dog with the works. When they turn the box sideways to get it through the door, they drop it on the kitchen counter and dig in. I grab a can of sparkling water I brought from California to wash down my meal. After 2 minutes of channel surfing, I say out loud, “why do I pay for these things?” “Wait!” Sweetie Belle calls. “We’ll find something to watch.” “If you don’t have a TV series, there aren’t any games on yet.” “When‘s the next game?” Scootaloo asks. “Uh, Nuggets–Pelicans tips off at 19:30, but…” “Wow, a blowout!” She exclaims as she tunes a Celtics–Cavs game. “That’s a replay.” “Aw! It’s somethin’ though. Thanks Max.” “No problem.” I say as I head for my bedroom, where an unexpectedly comfortable Rarity is curled up under the sheets. Immediately, I turn around as slyly as possible and close the door behind me. “Is Rarity asleep in yer’ room?” Applejack asks as I close the door. “Yeah.” “Okay. I need to talk to her about my performin’ outfit.” “What’s up with it?” “It doesn’t… accommodate me.” “Above or below?” “Uh… “36, 24, or 36?” “Yer’ not making a lick ‘a sense.” “36,” I say pointing to my chest, “24,” pointing at my waist, “or 36?” I finish pointing at my hips. “Oh! Uh… hmm… 72.” “What do you…” I cut myself short. “How would Rarity get either of those wrong?” “Ha. Beats me.” Instead of going for a nap, I sit on my front steps and have an e-cigarette. “Can I have a drag?” A voice asks from behind me. “Never took you for a smoker, AJ.” I respond. “I ain’t. I thought ye’ were quittin’.” “When I smoke the last e-cigarette I have. This one is but of many.” “Ya’ know, you smokin’ really doesn’t help your case for Rarity.” “Well, she somehow managed to tolerate it when we were in Europe. She knows that I’m only smoking now to get rid of the boxes I have. At least she understands.” “Max, I know ye’ like me, and Rarity has a crush on you. I will never date much less marry a smoker.” “Well, you’re in luck. I’m still married to Rosalina, plus, me smoking is actually good for you and me. Keeps you from wanting to go out with me, not that you ever wanted to, and if Rarity is indeed intolerant of me smoking, this keeps her away; and by extension you.” “You know I don’t mean it like that. I don’t want to date you because you’re a smoker. I don’t want to date you because I just don’t feel that way about you, sugar cube.” “And you know what, I’m glad it’s one-sided. I’m also glad it’s not unrequited. You understand where we are, and probably have a better idea and vision of what and where we are. Yes, we’re friends, and yes, we could date if we wanted to, despite your dealbreakers, namely in me smoking.” I pause to take a huff. “However,” I exhale, “we both know that what we have now is good. I like where we are, you like where we are, and quite frankly, I like it like that.” “Me too, sugar cube. I don’t want to take where we are further than it is now because our friendship is too great to risk.” “Took the words right outta my mouth.” I say with another huff, smoke seeping out with each movement. “Well, if you would quit smokin’, you’d be able to come up with the words.” She says nudging my side and chuckling. “I’d be wasting my money if I didn’t finish what I have.” I smile back. “You buying them was already wastin’ money.” “Are you all in on getting me to quit?” “Yes.” “Great. Okay.” “Don’t be like that. We all want what’s best for you, and we mean our best intentions.” “I know. Still can hurt though.” I respond dropping my face. *Timer* “Well, that’s my cue. You want to join me? I have Rainbow Dash into LaGuardia and Fluttershy into Newark.” “Eh, why not?” The V8 of my Escalade gets to sing as I make for the aircraft carrier while Applejack puts on some country music. When we reach LGA, Rainbow is already waiting curbside. The car doesn’t even leave drive, so as soon as she gets comfortable, I make for the turnpike and head to United central. “Hi Max, we’re waiting for our gate. Sorry.” “That’s alright. Did you check in a bag?” “Yes.” “All Good. AJ and Dash are with me.” “Yay.” Taking our time in Jersey City and Hoboken, we wait until Fluttershy texts that she’s ready. When we reach terminal loop, we go for 3 circuits before we pick her up. Rainbow slides over, I park and open the boot. She drops her bag in and closes the boot lid in one swift fluid motion, joining Dash in the right middle seat. “Sorry about that. We arrived early and our gate wasn’t quite ready for us yet.” “No problem. I actually had issues getting out of LaGuardia. Queens traffic.” “Now that you’re here,” Rainbow says, “we can head for Brooklyn. I’m low-key excited for this.” “Glad you are.” I say. “I love going to the Mushroom World. Once you get a file set up with customs, you quite literally can come and go as you please. Don’t need bags or a pass. Well, maybe bags if you want to stay more than a day.” “Is customs gonna be a real hootenanny like it is here?” AJ asks somewhat nervously. “Only for the first-timers. After that, all you need is to make sure you pass facial recognition. It keeps the warp pipe process simple. Otherwise, if you don’t, you get warp rerouted to customs.” “Interesting.” “It’s really not that bad. You just sign an anti-terrorist contract, provide some basic contact information, and get a photo taken of you for their database. And the best part for me is, the Mushroom World has a huge car scene. Across the four kingdoms, there is a strong preference for a specific type of car depending on where you are. You know I’m a petrol head, so I always love to bring it up. I have a small assortment of cars over there.” “They all stick?” Rainbow asks half snide. “Actually no. Most of the cars I keep over there are classics. The climate across the entire Mushroom World is very non-abrasive compared to even the Dry Dry Desert of this world. Protection from the elements for priceless classic cars among others.” “Pleh.” Dash says pointing at her outstretched tongue. “Classic cars? Sounds like a big ol’ ball of… LAME!” “You’ll love Mario’s kids then. One son has a Lambo and the other an Aston last I was there.” “Really?” “Yep. Last time I was there the four of us really tore up the streets. Lambo vs. Aston vs. Ford v Ferrari.” “And again I say, ‘LAME!’” “Oh alright then.” When we reach home, they all hug and do their best friend things before I tell them collectively, “if you’re all ready, we can head to the Mushroom World. Please have a form of photo ID ready and bags easy to inspect. Rarity, you will have to follow us. My Escalade only has room for 6 others, and there are 9 of us. “Got it!” Sweetie Belle says as she goes for the keys. “Let’s load up. Who’s riding with me?” AJ and Scoots opt for the Lexus, leaving me with Starlight, Twilight, Sunset, Rainbow, and Fluttershy. “Rarity, are you okay with driving your car in the Mushroom World?” “I don’t think there’ll be a problem.” “Okay. Customs should give you an outline for the rules of the road, but the first thing you need to know is outside of the urban centers, there are no speed limits.” “Don’t drive too fast then.” “Your car can go faster than mine, so that won’t be an issue.” “Okay. Well, I’ll be behind you the whole way.” “Okay, follow me to Brooklyn.” I then text Rosalina, “en route to the pipes, will report past customs.” Only a read receipt shows as I secure the house behind me. With that, I put her in gear and make for Brooklyn. When we reach their old office, I turn a key that operates the electric gate for access to the road-based warp pipes. Both of us drive through before I turn the key again to close the gate behind us. Here We Go, Off The Rails“There's your pipe.” I say looking at a piece of concrete pipeline only seen on oversize lorries, suitable for even the largest of lifted trucks to drive through. “The process is very simple. Upon entry, customs will be alerted via infrared camera of our presence. The crossing to the customs checkpoint takes about a minute or two. The customs Toads will give you instructions once you meet them. Since it's your first time, they'll need a sheet of basic information. Follow what they tell you.“ And with that, I get back in, repeat my spiel to the passengers in my car, then slowly proceed through. The headlights turn on automatically as I set the tunnel’s speed limit of 30 mph. We pass a few hidden cameras as I continue the drive. It feels a little weird to do this, since I’m already in their database, but my entire party (including the cars themselves) needs to enter into the system. Eventually, we reach a series of red and green pulsing lights shortly after hearing the magic sound. I say rhetorically, “those lights will pulse either left or right. They're on because they recognize we're here.” Only the red lights then flash left, indicating that the vehicles are not recognized, so I throw the wheel and watch for toads. Rarity follows as the red lights continue flashing to the left. Expecting a Toad to guide us in the otherwise pitch black tunnel, one waves light wands. Motioning towards him, he directs me in. As soon as I stop and park, we all climb out and ready for inspection. “Hi Captain!” One of the Toads calls offering his hand. “Nice to see you again, sir! Glad to be back. I have friends with me who have been invited to Princess Annabelle’s wedding ceremony.” “That’s great! It’s a nice time to be here! With heirs to the throne of both the Mushroom and Koopa Kingdom getting married, public attitude is quite high spirits.” “I’m sure!” Everyone else is directed into a set of rooms by various Toads so they can fill out their customs paperwork individually. I’ve filled out the sheets before, but I ask to see my copy for old time’s sake. “Welcome to the Mushroom World! This information remains confidential and is only shared with emergency authorities in the highly unlikely event of an emergency, with no reason for use otherwise. Nevertheless, all first-time visitors are required to complete this sheet. Name: Split Scimitar, aliases “Captain,” “Cap,” “Max” Occupation: Pilot Nationalities: USA, UK, Australia, France Birthday: May 29 Have you ever been linked to, tried for, or otherwise involved in any crime at any level? Yes/No If yes: please state type, date, and outcome of conviction. Have you ever been linked to any known or unknown organizations associated with terrorism? Yes/No Do you promise to abide by the laws and regulations set forth by Princess Peach, King Richard, King Koopa, Prince Peasley, and King Fret? Yes/No The completion of this sheet serves as a contract between the bearer and the constituents mentioned in question 3 above. Any violation of these laws is grounds for immediate revocation of travel privileges and lifetime ban with little to no possibility of reinstatement. Under no circumstances shall any action be taken to avoid or otherwise transgress responsibility which has been undertaken by the individual in question (Bearer). The Mushroom Realms believe in full and fair responsibility of the individual. Therefore, any attempts to excuse any form of liability in any capacity will result in immediate revocation and lifetime ban without the possibility of reinstatement. It is the responsibility of the individual and only the individual to ensure that any actions undertaken are justifiable and defensible. It is expected that a responsible resident of the Mushroom Realms understands that individual actions can and will have consequences. Signing below declares assumption of full responsibility from herein forward.” I laugh reading the official statement, because I know for a fact that it’s approved as a direct stab at lawsuit culture while still maintaining its meritorious qualities. That is supposed to protect against frivolous lawsuits and ensures that individuals act responsibly, respectfully, and ethically. The Mushroom World, especially the Koopa Kingdom, has zero tolerance for people who refuse to accept responsibility for their actions and blame other people as if they’re above the law and beyond accountability. One by one, each of my friends returns to the main room. Once everyone returns, the Toads then ask the drivers or owners of both cars to go over the paperwork for foreign-registered vehicles. Make/Model: Cadillac Escalade ESV Color: Black Country of registration: USA License Plate: MLPEQG13 Registered Owner: Split Scimitar Insurance: Yes/No. If Yes, Provider: Allstate. Make/Model: Lexus IS300t Color: Silver Country of registration: USA License Plate: RARITY 6 Registered Owner: Rarity Insurance: Yes/No. If Yes, Provider: Liberty Mutual. Once the papers clear, we receive clearance from the customs Toads and the gates open for us, revealing a light at the end of the pipe. I then give Rarity a walkie talkie so we can communicate. “We should be approaching a junction for each of the 5 Realms: The Mushroom Kingdom, Koopa Kingdom, Sarasaland, Beanbean Kingdom, and Jewelry Land.” I say on the air. When we reach the junction, I exclaim “Oh, look at that” and hit the brakes. “Beanbean junction closed for tunnel maintenance. Did they finally address their gas main leak? I’ll take that as a no.” Sunset and I titter. “What’s so funny?” Rainbow Dash asks. “The Beanbean Kingdom’s vehicle warp pipe has been under construction since I first came here. Apparently because of a gas main leak close to the line, they needed to reroute the vehicle portal to somewhere else in the Kingdom.“ “And that’s funny because…?” An obvious joke going over her head, I quip back, “Because the Beanbean Kingdom has a surplus of whoopee cushions.” The entire Escalade all bust out laughing as I throw the wheel back towards the MK. “Not. Cool.” Dash seethes back as I give it a rev and make haste. As we pass through, a posted sign says, “Welcome to the Mushroom Kingdom. Speed Limit 65 mph/105 kph. KEEP LEFT.” “Both imperial and metric units appear on road signs, so pay attention. Also, beware of the traffic pattern orientation. The rules of the road can be confusing. In the Mushroom Kingdom, outside of city limits, drive on the left. Inside the cities, drive on the right.” “Why?” Sweetie Belle asks from the Lexus. "It's designed so the driver of a left hand drive (LHD) vehicle has a view of the outside wheels on ridge roads, such as the highway we're gonna take, aptly named Shroom Ridge. The roads cross over once inside city limits. Confusing as the orientation can be for the driver, it still makes sense though. If I'm driving a right hand drive (RHD) car in right hand traffic (RHT), then when parallel parking, the driver will be curbside. That's practical, because the door isn't at risk for being slashed by another car, and having a view of the outside wheels on a ridge road is for safety reasons. A few realms are however RHD and left hand traffic (LHT) like Britain, Australia, Thailand, and Japan. Two of Sarasaland's 4 kingdoms drive on the left. So does Jewelry Land. Why the variance? Same reason for the MK’s twisted pattern. It just makes sense from a motoring perspective, especially because the MK is the Mushroom World’s trade hub. With all the intermingling of RHD & LHD with LHT & RHT, the weird orientation in the MK is a compromise by all five kingdoms.” No response from anyone, but once we get onto Shroom Ridge, I reach the speed limit for the portal road and then stomp the throttle, letting the engine rev up to just shy of redline to get up to speed with maximum performance. Cadillac estimates the top speed of their Escalade models at 130 mph/210 kph. Rarity’s Lexus is limited to 143 mph/230 kph. I settle for 200 kph en route to Toad Town. When we roll in, I head to the driveway and find the garage open, with everyone’s cars sitting proudly. Peter and Marc are the first ones to come and greet me with hugs. “Hey Cap!” Marc says. “Glad you’re here. We’re just about to motorcade. Aunt Daisy and them are gonna meet us in Toad Harbor.” “They’re gonna traverse Birabuto?” “Yeah.” “Are you all driving your own cars?” “No. Auntie Rosie is gonna take her observatory.” “Not going to use the Focus RS I gave her?” “You gave your all-time favorite dream car to Auntie Rosie?” “She asked for it. But it’s not my only all-time favorite. The DeLorean.” “Yeah, that’s true.” “Hi Peter!” I call as Marc’s twin approaches. We share a hug before I introduce the boys to everybody. Their parents join us soon after, with Twilight talking to Peter and Marc talking to RD. “When you’re ready, we can go. Let’s fuel up at the 64 then we can go from there.” “Who’s leading?” “That’ll be me.” Mario says. “Can your Hilux handle the speed? It’s the slowest of the bunch.” “There’re six cars. We’ll try and manage 100.” “Kph?” “No!” “You can’t really tell here, since you display both. It does make a difference.” “Fair enough.” “I’m glad you use Kelvin though.” “You can thank Bowser for that one.” After sharing a chuckle and greeting everyone, we head for the petrol station. At the station, Peach, Mario and I head in and are greeted warmly by the Toad on duty. All the pumps with cars are activated, and the costs are absorbed by the castle, an entire convoy’s fuel on the Royal tab. Once all tanks are topped off, I point out to my friends that compared to our world’s octane rating scale, the Mushroom World’s sea level/low elevation scale is 95–97–100, and at higher altitudes, it’s 92–94–96. Mind you, both earthly and native Mushroom World vehicles are based on my world’s performance figures, meaning that the “juiced” fuels are for one major reason: keeping speed up while maintaining relatively economical mileage figures. Because higher octane grades provide better performance and increase fuel economy, even if by 1 or 2 MPG. After Peach gives me a list of planned fuel stops, I run some quick mental calculations for range and predict two extra fuel stops, mostly for bathroom and snack, but also in case of mathematical errors. Now, while the Mushroom Kingdom spans five time zones, it doesn’t take a whole day to travel it, especially in the absence of speed limits. I have managed to traverse it (albeit in a super car) in about 3 hours’ time. Nevertheless, once we’re onto the highway, our first control city on the freeway signs is Fahr Outpost. Fitting, since it’s about the halfway point. One fuel stop between Toad Town and Fahr Outpost precedes our first major checkpoint. Only the boys and Rarity take on extra fuel, thanks to Mario’s driving style, Princess Peach’s Diesel engine, and my massive petrol tank, plus my own driving style that even when driving fast can still beat official measurements by around 3 MPG. Shroom Ridge as a highway ends when we reach Fahr Outpost, marking another speed limit zone. The road continues as a country road not dissimilar to towns along rural American highways in the town center before losing its speed limits and becoming the Moonview Highway Spur Road, with control cities of Grass Land and Sky Land, our next two fuel stops. In Sky Land, we take a proper stop to stretch and give our cars a well-earned break. Starlight and Sunset, having slept like babies since Toad Town, fight for the front seat, the latter being the one defending her territory next to me. After about 20 minutes, Applejack takes over the reigns of Rarity’s car, Starlight gets the front seat, and with the next control city being our destination, we set off for the home stretch. One of the major junctions along Moonview Highway is the junction towards Mushroom City. This is the official main highway, and is home to the infamous Mushroom Gorge, in which vehicles tackle a steep and dangerous grade, overwhelmingly popular in the motorsports scene, and thus frequently closed for races. Today the road is closed, but not for a race. There’s roadwork being done. Soon, we reach Toad Harbor, and already I can tell the place is buzzing, before the roads even cross over. Allow me to put some things into perspective. The MK, in order to accommodate the large number of transient workers, tourists, and other non-MK denizens, split their capital, much like Bolivia (La Paz and Sucre) and South Africa (Pretoria, Bloemfontein, and Cape Town). Toad Town is the original capital, and is still the seat of the Monarchy. However, all commercial and official/diplomatic activities take place in Toad City, often locally referred to as the “financial district” to avoid confusion. The main highway that serves the purpose of linking Toad Town and Toad City both with each other and to the places beyond is called Toad’s Turnpike. Needless to say the busiest road in the MK and probably the MW. The worst of traffic only adds, at the absolute jam packed, 15 minutes. Any longer means there’s been a big accident. Here in Toad Harbor, which lacks any additional infrastructure to even build a Turnpike, traffic both vehicular and on foot makes Los Angeles look like a hamlet. Fittingly, since it’s the Friday afternoon before the Coronation. Everyone from every Kingdom is in town to see the crowning of a new heir to the thrones of the two most powerful kingdoms in this world. To make matters worse for us, even in the absence of any street closures, taking the scenic route and doing a city tour doesn’t add nor subtract from just crawling on the highway, especially because the old castle, where we’ll be staying, is on the other side of town. No shortcuts available. With highway exits marked at every mile, counting exits and looking at the clock, after some basic mental math, I estimate that the average speed on this highway is about the speed that ketchup leaves out of a squeeze bottle - 245.3 miles a year, 245.28 if you want to be pedantic, or roughly 0.028 mph. “Whoa.” Starlight exclaims in shock. “That’s a lot of cars.” “And we’re the biggest ones here.” I respond. “We’re literally in a sea of Kei Cars. We make them look like go karts. Most of them can’t hit more than 95 mph, even if they’re equipped with “200cc class” engines, which is a bit of a misnomer. Those things are beasts.” “That’s painful.” “Hey, perspective I guess. They’re used to lower speeds.” “True.” “How are we jam packed to the absolute brink of road capacity?” Sunset calls from the third row. “And why are there so many K-Cars? If memory serves me correctly, Koopas don’t exactly fit the bill of one.” “Good point. My guess is that MK denizens are here early because Princess Peach declared a public holiday.” “How do you know?” “She told me while we were at our long fuel stop. During your war for the front seat. As for the Koopas, they don’t, but most Koopas aren’t going to be here until tomorrow I assume, since we’d know they’re here because they’d be in vehicles as big as ours.” Eventually, we make our way out of the city center, and the traffic eventually reaches a pace of 1 mph. When the exit for the castle arrives, we join a queue for the off-ramp, reaching the castle 2 hours and 10 minutes late. The royals’ cars go into the garage, which currently houses a few of my cars. The rest are stored in a complex gifted to Rosalina by King Bowser in the Koopa Kingdom, just an hour’s drive outside of Toad Harbor, which she gave to me, since I would be the one to use it. Nevertheless, the only two cars that don’t park in the garage are the two that are foreign registered. Under Peach’s supervision, due to an ongoing castle restoration project on hold for the coronation weekend, we all pick bedrooms. Peach then answers a phone call just as I head outside for a cigarette. Now that I’m here in the Mushroom World, I guess I should explain something about Rosalina and I. When we first met, I was in the throes of another relapse. Rosalina had said she would not date me if I continued to smoke. I swore blind I would never smoke again. There’s a very good reason why she feels so strongly about it. Smoking killed her mother. Ovarian cancer more or less directly linked to at its worst a-pack-a-day habit did her in. Consequently, her father was so grief-stricken by the loss of his beloved that on the 8th anniversary of her death, he elected to join her. When Rosalina moved to Illinois, she got an ovarian cancer license plate in her honor, which she continues to bear to this day. The profound impact smoking has on one’s loved ones, and I still decide to continue the habit, because I love dragon’s breath. Don’t get me wrong, I hate smoking too, but I love dragon’s breath more. That’s why I only smoke e-cigarettes, because I hate the smell, I hate the chemicals, and I hate dealing with the waste products of a traditional burner. When I return, Peach breaks the news that the Sarasalanders will not arrive until tomorrow afternoon, so if the others want to see the city, the morning will be the best time to do so. With that, Rosalina also texts that she’s waiting for Lubba and his crew to return and expect to arrive at the same time. Author's Note Once again, Walkazo’s map of the Mushroom World for reference. I have helped with a real-world overlay here. Toad Harbor is approximated in the location of Shanghai on the map. Real-world geography is not necessarily related, as Walkazo’s map is modeled after the landmass of Eurasia. Not to scale. Getting the Band Back TogetherNext morning, I’m up before anyone else, only because Rosalina and Lockie wake me up by arriving in the observatory. Landing in the backyard of the castle to the sight of the first signs of astronomical twilight overtaking the inky blackness of night, the two siblings greet me with hugs before a swarm of Lumas squeal in delight, “Papa! Papa!” “Are Annabelle and Junior in town?” I ask both of my in-laws. “I don’t think so. Last I checked, she was with her brothers-in-law to-be.” Rosalina responds. “Yay. Did you see the traffic in the city center?“ “I don’t think Toad Harbor was ever built to accommodate this many.” “How is the city handling it? This is their first day, and they haven’t even hit peak crowds yet. I imagine the entire city will be in gridlock for coronation day.” “Oh easily. Every restaurant in town will have hourlong waits at mealtimes. I’m surprised Mushroom City wasn’t voted to host the coronation.” “Oh yeah, I guess they could’ve handled the multitudes. Peach said Toad Harbor was chosen because of its proximity to the Sea and the Koopa border.” “Mhmm. Thank goodness this castle is still a seat for royalty.” “Yeah, otherwise you’d be rocketing in and I’d super-commute from Neo Koopa City.“ She responds with a nod before we all head inside. As the Lumas have swarmed me when we walk inside, I cautiously step in to the sight of Applejack in the foyer, emerging from her bedroom looking a might surprised. “Hi Applejack. Would you like to meet Rosalina’s star children?” I ask as a few of them pop out from behind my head. “Aww!!” She responds putting her hands on her cheeks. “Meet Applejack.” I tell the Lumas. “She’s a very good friend of mine.” Applejack chuckles as the Lumas squeal and crowd her. The sound I assume coaxes a couple of others out, including Fluttershy, who has quite the cute attack. To my amusement, she hugs each one so tightly, that the others show a very slight reluctance to being hugged. Despite this, they still oblige to her smothering. One of the Lumas then flies over to me and then sits on my shoulder. “Have they never been here before?” Lubba asks with a half-chuckle. “It’s their first time here. The one who gives smothering hugs loves animals, so seeing something as small and cute as the rest of you was… inevitable. She has smothered me before. I’m a pillow in her words.” Lubba only chuckles. “What’s all the noise?” I hear Sunset from upstairs. Before I can respond, she follows in her friends’ footsteps and has a cute attack. “Sunset, come meet the Lumas. They’re Rosalina’s star children.” “Awwww!!!” She says as she joins the little circle. The others slowly make their way out, with the three little sisters marking the last of us awake. If we leave now, we can get into Toad Harbor and find a good place to park. I pop into the garage and see if it’s worth it to take one of my “native” cars instead of either the Escalade or Rarity’s Lexus. One of the many cars I have here can be used without a problem, but I don’t think anyone else is willing to drive in the traffic. Too bad the castle isn’t in the city center. Vinyl and Octavia are arriving this afternoon, but because of their equipment, customs might be suspicious. That being said, they can still technically just warp by the foot pipes. Since there is cell phone reception in this world, we can text and call without it seeming like we’re international. “Hey you two,” I send via group text, “let me know when you’re ready. I’ll get you the warp pipe information then.” “We’re ready.” Vinyl responds a few minutes later. “Alright, here’s your address. Let me know when you get there.” “8385 Plumbers Skyway Brooklyn, NY” “Thanks.” “Cap?” Peach asks coming into the garage. “Is Pinkie Pie’s DJ on the way?” “To the pipes. Do I have to drive back to the Shroom Ridge exit?” “No! No, no. You can warp to customs and meet them there on foot.” “How about vehicular? I imagine they’ll be hauling some equipment.” “Do you remember what the vehicular tunnel sign for customs is?” “Oh! Yeah, I do. I just don’t recall ever seeing one here.” “I don’t remember where it is here though.” “Oh well. I’ll just tough out the traffic and find it.” “Best you get them now then. Bowser’s brigade are arriving tonight.” “And my friends, I hope you know, are our musical entertainment for the night.” “Yes, they told me.” “Ok good, you know. Do they have a space to practice?” “Yeah. I gave them a room.” “K cool. I’m gonna head for the customs portal.” “Okay, but Bowser and family will be here when you get back.” “Are they staying here?” “No. There’s another place for them. They’re staying in the heart of the city, being the visitors and all.” “Of course.” I say as I climb in. “Drive safe. Good luck with the traffic.” “It’ll be fine. An hour and a half to go 9 miles is tame compared to Los Angeles Friday rush.” “Bye.” Peach waves as I head for the city, not in my Escalade. No no, I’ve decided to use one of my many Mercedes 600 Grosser (Großer). The car’s very apt license plate is ‘SCHEIBE’. German car enthusiasts and Sprechers will understand. As I make my way into the city, I drop all four windows to savor the coastal MK air. Geographically, being situated here creates advantageously constant temperatures, very much a parallel to San Francisco. The average low is 280 K in winter and 290 K in the summer. The average high is 284 K in winter and 294 K in the summer. Not a whole lot of variation both across the year or even diurnally. Today’s high is not expected to exceed 280 K, which puts it below average, but is sweater weather for many nonetheless. I do not belong to that group, what with my midwestern blood and all. Even so, the outside air chilling the cabin is good for me, as I can take in the sights and sounds of the hustle and bustle of the city of Toad Harbor, hard at work, in high spirits, and operating with the infrastructure built for only about probably a third of what it is right now. After about 35 minutes navigating through city streets, seeing a couple of ostensible figures around, including who I assume are Prince Peasley of the Beanbean Kingdom and Madame Mayor Pauline of the Metro Kingdom. Of course, I hope to see others in attendance for the big coronation day, running through a mental list, almost missing my turnoff for the pipe portal. Every major city in the MK has one of these, and I assume (from what I’ve been told) that the same applies to the other kingdoms. There are three pipes in each portal, each bearing a flag of the three real world countries available for warping. Underneath them are a list of cities in each country that are available for warping: 🇺🇸 — 🇮🇹 — 🇯🇵 Brooklyn, NY — Rome — Tokyo Seattle, WA — Milan — Kyoto Not a very long list, but it is nice to know that there are multiple ports of entry. Short of the pipes, I stop the car to gather my thoughts. In fact, I have to put the car in park. Well, actually that’s because I’m answering a text. “We just got a taxi. We’ll be over there in about 10 minutes.” “Cool. How much equipment do you have?” “A few things. My table, Octavia’s cello, 2 monitors, 2 subs, and 3 speakers.” “Okay. You may have to travel with them uncomfortably.” “It should be fine.” A few minutes later, Vinyl texts, “we’re here.” “Okay. Wait for me. I’ll show you through.” “👍🏻” Immediately, I drive through the pipe and keep my eye out for the customs facility. When it rolls up, I drive through the lights, as the car is green lighted, and park in the same area as where we parked when we came through last. “Hello Cap!” The same Customs Toad as last time greets. “Heading back so soon?” “No, no. I’m picking up two friends of mine who are helping with the wedding.” “Okay! Is it their first time?” “Yes it is.” “Alright, we’ll be waiting for them.” “Be back soon.” With that, I lock the Merc, head for the foot pipes and walk through the one marked Brooklyn, NY, USA. When I emerge in New York, I’m greeted by a frigid 24° early evening. Scrambling for the door, mostly to avoid keeping them waiting, I turn the key to the vehicle gate and let them in rather than going through the office building. “Vinyl, how’s it going?” “Great! You?” “I’m excited for this wedding. And I think you’ll see why too. “Ms. Melody I presume?” I ask the lady accompanying her. “Yes indeed.” She responds with a heavy Belgravia accent. “A pleasure to meet you. Split Scimitar,” I say extending my hand. “But Max is fine.” “Mr. Scimitar. Lovely to meet you.” She responds with a shake. “Octavia will be fine as well.” “Very well. Shall we?” When the three of us walk through the pipes, I take their bags so the Toads can inspect them while they do their paperwork. In 15 minutes, they’re ready, so once they’re seated, I fire her up, check the windows are closed, and head back to Toad Harbor. When we emerge from the car portal, the city is just as hustling as before. Vinyl and Octavia take in the sights as I decide to take a few extra turns along the scenic route to the castle. Amongst the hustle and bustle of the city, it’s worth noting that emergency services have distinct siren sounds for each different department: Ambulances sound like this: Fire brigade sound like this: Police sound like this: The reason for differentiation is to force the motorist to check behind them, and counterintuitively for its own sake. Even the rulers of a sovereign state can have some semblance of a sense of humor. At the castle, Peach is waiting for us along with a slew of big, lifted, dually/DRW trucks. The Koopa have arrived. When I roll in and stop short of the garage, I put her in park and let the guests out. All of the girls come out to meet them, except Pinkie, who rushes out a few moments later brandishing a baker’s frazzle, evidenced by flour on her cheeks, flour in her hair, and enough of a blush to make her look kind of clown-y. After their mini-reunion, I return the Grosser to the garage. Then, I greet each of the Koopa royals with a handshake and hug, except for the King himself. We share a very firm handshake, followed by him patting me on the back. Because of his size, his pats don’t feel like pats, but nevertheless I appreciate the gesture. After I help introduce everyone, each of the Koopa Kids introduces themselves. Ludwig Von Koopa, a self-taught classically trained pianist, a prodigy before he could even hold a quill, is renowned for his compositions, and will debut one of his new pieces at the wedding. Iggy Koopa, better known as Iggy Hop, is an amateur inventor, having found successes with machines, specifically Rube Goldberg machines, a reflection of his slightly childish/evil genius personality. Lemmy Koopa is the prankster of the family, and has earned his place by the avenue of physical comedy. His favorite acts as a comic involve balancing acts, with a particular fondness for bouncy balls, circus style. Morton Koopa, Jr is the overseer of infrastructure of the Koopa Kingdom. I would argue that much of the car scene is thanks to him, because he oversaw almost all of the road construction used to build the modern day MW. Wendy O. Koopa is the only girl in the royal family. Though not effeminate in the strict sense of the word, she has a huge affinity for pink, and it shows in not only her life, but the people she’s influenced as well, though that’s speaking from past experience, as it’s not easy to tell now. Roy Koopa is the second in command of the Koopa armed forces. As such, his specialty is in the ground attack. While he does love using brute force, he also believes that use of such force is only for extreme circumstances. Thus, quite counterintuitively, he enjoys not doing what he does best. Quite a change from the last time I was here. Larry Koopa, better known as Larry Lights, is the Vinyl Scratch to Ludwig’s Octavia, as it were. Whereas his brother prefers the piano, Larry is all about the turntable. Though they haven’t actually collaborated, both have had quite their share of mashups and mixes. Of course, we can’t forget the man of the week, the groom-to-be. Bowser, Jr. A turtle after his own father, the best way to frame him (though he very audibly objects to being framed or labeled) is “chaotic neutral.” ‘Nuff said. With him is his fiancée Annabelle, daughter of Mario and Peach, adopted daughter of Rosalina. Raised in the extraterrestrial realms of the greater Mushroom Galaxy, other nicknames include Bellatrix and Dingdong, the latter coined by her cousin Benito, the son of Luigi and Daisy. After everyone gets to know everyone, Vinyl and Larry hit it off and start their own conversation in the garage, as do Octavia and Ludwig. Annabelle and Jr. join Rosalina and I inside. Pinkie then heads back into the kitchen, so we follow her in. The bride and groom have a taste of Pinkie’s desserts, and approve of all of them. I then leave them to sort out other foodstuffs while I head into my bedroom for a nap. Rosalina joins me however just a few moments after I get comfortable. “You tired already?” “Not really, but I feel like I need to lay down.” “Well, you did do a fair bit of driving.” “Sure, but I woke up with enough energy to at least keep up with Pinkie Pie, which is quite a Rarity.” “Good one, funny guy.” “Max?” A voice calls from outside. I sit up and wait for a second call. “Max??” “Who’s calling me?” I stick my head out the door to find Fluttershy peering around the halls. “Fluttershy?” “Oh, there you are. Annabelle wants to see you.” “Oh great, what’d I do now?” “I’m sure it’ll be okay.” “I’m sure, I was kidding.” I find Annabelle walking barefoot in the garden. “Annabelle?” “Hello Cap.” “You wanted to see me?” “Yes. I want to get to know you. You are my stepfather after all.” “Okay. What would you like to know?” “Where would you like to start?” “Hmm, I was born in Illinois, moved to California at 2 years, went to Uni in Washington, and from there I worked my way up the ranks, meeting many people along the way.” “That’s an awfully oversimplified description of your life.“ “Did your mother tell you a lot about me?” I shrug. “She said that you’re very jaded, but still have an air of childlike affection.” “Jaded, sure. I prefer the term desensitized.” “From what she’s told me, jaded is way more appropriate. You have a lot of great things to be happy about, and pardon me for saying this, you seem to choose not to be happy about it. Even so, as someone you’ve only known for about a year or two, I think you’re worth my time as a Princess-to-be. I always hoped Mama would find someone. Don’t get me wrong, Mario is a wonderful father and father figure, but to see someone who could fill that position for Mama makes me very happy.” “Well, I’m honored to be that person for both of you.” I respond as I suppress the urge to not make the last part of my sentence audible, “but not for much longer.” I then continue with, “I’m also floored that you’re actively interested in a relationship with me. I’ve only known Rosalina for such a small portion of my life compared to yours; if anything, I’ve probably taken her away from you.” “Not at all! We’ve always kept in touch. She made me excited to meet you.“ “I just hope that the time we spend together is worth it. Would hate to fall short of expectations. I’m a staunch perfectionist in that respect.” “Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m really enjoying talking to you.” “Thank you, I appreciate that.” “Mama says you’re quite the car and airplane geek.” “That’s putting it very lightly. I own two airports, and am vying for a third one. All the airplanes I’ve been acquiring are starting to become too much for what I have now.” “How big is your fleet?” “I’ve lost count, actually.” “Well, I know that many of the airplanes here came through you.” “Oh, is it because I had a place to park them while arrangements to transport them to this world were made?” “Yes.” “I’m a huge fan of jumbo jets like the Boeing 747 and Airbus A380. It broke my heart to see them doomed to a fate of scrap, so I wanted to find a way to send them here. I’m surprised your environmentalists didn’t get on the government’s case. Those jets are quite the pollutant.” “Yes, but our world’s development of biofuels is well ahead of yours. And the development of plants that turn carbon dioxide into oxygen is a reality here.” “Is that so?” “It is. The advent of this technology hasn’t gotten to the payoff period yet, but the net emissions figures have been continuously shrinking.“ “Always nice to hear.” “How about cars? I’ve seen your garage in NK (Neo Koopa) City. You’re more than a collector it seems.” “It’s quite large I will admit. I enjoy cars, but I don’t enjoy working on them as much as I should. I like driving.” “Sure.” “What do you drive?” “A diesel Range Rover.” “Oh wow. Nice. Any particular reason why? I always ask.” “My Mother (Princess Peach) had one, and I really liked it. Guess I wanted to take after her.” “That’s sweet.” “Annabelle, let’s go see the venue. It’s rehearsal time.” Jr calls. “Okay.” She calls back as she stands up. “Can I get a hug?” “Of course.” We wrap each other in arms and then to my complete surprise, she kisses me on the cheek before she leaves. “She really does like you.” Rosalina says after I watch them climb into Bowser’s truck. “Did you put me on a pedestal?” “No. She wanted to get to know you. She always did especially when we started dating.” “Is that why she was so excited about having a father figure for you with respect to being her adoptive mother?” “Yes. It was.” “I am obligated to ask, “if you raised her alone with the Lumas and any other life you encountered in the cosmos, what made her desire a father figure?” “I believe it was because Jr was the first real biological male she came in contact with. The cognitive dissonance resulting from meeting a male after living exclusively with a female parent probably piqued her curiosity.” “Well, in any case, I’m glad she’s willing to create a relationship with me, even if I am nothing more than an obligatory father figure, I use that term loosely. It’s rather heartwarming.” “When are you going to tell her though?” “About the…” “Yes. I know it’s at the forefront of your mind. I also know it’s way too early to break that news to her.” “She’ll gain a husband but lose a stepfather in the process.” I chuckle. “Do we really want to go through with this?” There is a long pause. “You know my answer.” I add. “Yes. I know you want to stay married, and you know neither of us want to go through with it, but let’s face it: you and I live 3,000 miles apart, sometimes farther. Your life and my life simply don’t work well together. Neither of us will get what we want out of this anymore.” “Okay. That’s all I need to hear. I am more than willing to put up a fight to save this, but if neither of us will get what we want anymore, then maybe this is the best course of action for us to take.” I say with a slight waver. “You do know this doesn’t change anything between us.” She responds in kind. “I don’t want to change anything.” I respond poorly hiding tears. “But if this is what you want, and no amount of effort is going to change that, even we both fought for it, then I won’t argue. All I can say is, ‘I’m sorry I wasted your time.’” With that, I let the walls breach, head for the garage, fire up ‘SCHEIBE’, and go for a drive. In spite of the traffic, I head north for the Koopa border. There are a few exits off the highway before the crossing, one of which is a petrol station. A quick fuel splash in case of bad traffic and an energy drink are my purchases before I boom across the border, the border checkpoints closed and boarded with the message: “all MK borders open for coronation”. 40 minutes inside the border, another 35 minutes would take me to Neo Koopa City, but instead, I arrive at an otherwise abandoned housing complex. This subdivision was meant to be a 14-home gated community for government officials, but after funding was redirected, the project was scrapped and the lot of whatever was completed became what it is now. Rosalina is technically the owner of the lot because of her connection to Annabelle, but she gave me the lot so I wouldn’t have to fight for garage space in the MK. Reveling at how each of the house shells (most of the interiors are incomplete) house all my cars here except for those in the MK, I take a stroll around the development, stopping at each structure to admire the smorgasbord of cars parked both in their respective garages or in the driveway. “Where are you?” A text comes in moments later from Peach. “I went to my other garage. I’m switching out a car.” “Oh. The Sarasalanders are here. They’re looking for you.” “Oh shoot. Sorry. Tell them I’ll try and be back in an hour.” “Okay. And if you’re over there, bring something fast. Laura’s not impressed with the Escalade, since that’s what she drove while we were living in your world.” “Of course not. It’s comfortably utilitarian.” With that, after I give my entire garage two once-overs, I switch to a rare find from my world, and is kept and registered here for that reason, a Jaguar F-Type Project 7, in arguably the only appropriate color, British Racing Green. Thanks to a review by a certain journalist, the car has been registered XR8DHDCR. (X-Rated Hardcore) Firing the car up and rolling it out, I give a good growl to redline after a cold start gives a slightly throatier purr than the one I know and love. After the engine is warm enough, I head back to the MK, more than happy to be driving a RHD car in RHT. When the roads cross over at the border, I feel British, as the roads are LHT. With that, I pick up speed and maintain a pace of no less than 100 mph/161 kph, the exhaust note at such high speeds quite euphoric. The fun doesn’t last very long, as about 30 miles outside the city center, I encounter a sizable crowd of cars holding a steady 62 mph/100 kph. I make good work of passing them, which prompts me to start preparing to slow down. When I pass the city limits sign, I reduce speed to 70/113 in prep for a massive traffic queue. Sure enough, with only 10 miles to the castle exit, I drop below a mile a minute for the first time since starting the engine. While the traffic yesterday made Los Angeles rush look like a hamlet by comparison, the term “sea of red” would be putting it very lightly. *Call from Daisy* “Hello?” “Hi! Why aren’t you here yet?” “I just got into the city. I’m moving below a snail’s pace.” “Why didn’t you plan for that traffic before? You knew it was gonna be bad.” “Toad Harbor was never designed for this many in town. Plus I’m sure that they’ve already begun closing off streets.” “Still.” “Fine, fine. I assume you’ve met everybody else?” “I met your DJ and cellist. My parents really hit it off with her.” “Who? Octavia?” “Yeah. I think they may want to hire her for some castle events.” “Nice.” “I’ll tell you more if you hurry up!” “I’m doing the best I can.” “That’s all I ask. Bye!” “Later!” After 15 minutes of purring through the city, going around three road closures to get to the castle, I roll in just as the Koopa Troupe depart. “We’ll see you tomorrow!” Bowser calls from his truck. “Alright, we’ll see ya!” A slew of loud diesels parades out of the castle driveway, joining the crowd below. Once I park and climb out, I’m immediately met with a fierce hug from Laura. “Hey Cap!” She says muffled in our embrace. “Nice Jag!” “Oh, thanks.” I chuckle. “Your majesties,” I say bowing to King Richard and Queen Lillian. “A pleasure to see you again, lad.” King Richard says with a nod and offering of his hand. “Likewise, sir.” I respond. “How are you doing, ma’am?” “I’m doing well, thank you.” Queen Lillian smiles back. “What exciting times we’re living in.” “Indeed.” Annabelle then finds me and asks me to join her. Leading me back into the kitchen, she directs me to Pinkie, measuring out flour, looking for a little something sweet and sour, then grabs the sea salt grinder and drops two twists’ worth into her mixing bowl. “Hi Max! Glad Annabelle found you! Can you taste test my desserts?” “Sure. Didn’t the others do that already?” “Yeah, but I want your opinion.” “As do I.” Applejack says emerging with oven mitts and pulling out a fresh batch of apple fritters. “Pinkie wanted to make some slight modifications to my recipe to make it a little more… oven friendly.” “You’ve never tried baked apple fritters?” “Big Mac tried once to impress a lady, but it didn’t turn out so good.” “Burn ‘em?” “Eyup! Only baked good we’ll do now is apple pie.” “Fair enough. It’s not like you’re Macca’s.” “Macca’s?” “McD’s. It’s Australian.” “Oh. You’ve been to Australia?” “I went with the gang sans Daisy’s parents while they were still living in our world. Mario’s kids wanted to go for spring break.” “Wow. Nice.” “I’m more than willing to take you too. I know you’re busy, but just let me know when you are. The same applies to any of you, anywhere in my (our) world.” A few minutes later, after Pinkie and Applejack stuff me with a week’s worth of dessert, I make my compliments with a burp of g-astronomical proportions, unmatched in my years prior to meeting even Rosalina. “Excuse me. My, that was my biggest burp in recent memory. My compliments to the chefs.” “Awh! Love ya Max!” Pinkie responds amongst poorly stifled laughter. “Nice one.” Applejack responds in kind. The three of us then let all our laughter out. “Was that you, Cap?” Annabelle asks just a few moments later. “Did I rattle the foundation?” I ask nodding. “No, I just heard it from the foyer.” “I hope Daisy’s parents didn’t hear that. I would just drop dead in embarrassment.” “I doubt it. They’re in the garden with mother and mama.” “Alrighty.” “Are these on the menu for the reception?” “Everything but the kitchen sink!” “Yay.” With everyone here, the multitude of us have dinner courtesy of the attendant staff, brought in from Toad Town. It’s Coronation Day! It’s Coronation Day!Having packed two, I put one of my uniforms on just for the giggles and grins, though purely for my sake. Annabelle has been out along with the rest of the MK royals. The Sarasalanders have a space reserved for them at the castle, so they’ll be leaving before the rest of us are ready. Rosalina wakes me up and alerts me to our exclusive view of the coronation. Yes, we’re going to have a view of the coronation from the Observatory. Excitedly, I hop into the shower and try to settle down. If I get any more excited, I just might have a complex reaction. It’ll be my first time since we got married that I’ll be on it. Normally I don’t get excited about much if anything, but apparently I’m making an exception this time. When the others all gather in the foyer, I join them and wait for Rosalina. Rarity sits down next to me while I check my messages, and both Applejack and her younger sister start tittering. Sweetie Belle then takes a picture of the two of us together and starts laughing when she shows the picture to the others. “Subtlety, men vs women.” “Alright, what’s going on, Sweetie Belle?” Only laughing, she hands me her phone, and to my surprise, Rarity though looking away from camera, is rubbing my back. “What makes it so funny?” “You don’t get it do you? The fact that she’s trying so hard to seem subtle is betraying the act of subtlety itself.” “Sweetie Belle!” Rarity calls back, but she and Scootaloo can only laugh. Rolling my eyes, I grab a couple things to take onto the Observatory. Rosalina then makes sure it’s good to go, as it’ll double with Propeller Toad Transport to televise the coronation. The ceremony begins at 13:00, so we need to be in the air by 11:00. That shouldn’t be a problem, since it appears everyone’s ready. With that, our whole group heads to the garden and boards the observatory. Before we take off though, two ships come in right after another and flag us down before Rosalina has the Lumas start it up. The Odyssey lands first, with Starship Mario on the other side. Lubba and his crew come and give us hugs, and Cappy says hi by landing on top of my head and bouncing off like a frog. He does the same to Rosalina before gleefully chatting to Lubba. “Are you helping with aerial coverage?” Lubba then asks Rosalina. “Not with views, but I am helping with signal reach.” “Do your passengers want to ride with us? We’ll stay close.” “Don’t you have your representatives from the other kingdoms?” I then ask Cappy. “They have special spots reserved for them. I just dropped them off.” He responds. “Oh. Do you want to ask them?” I turn to Rosalina. “I know Twilight won’t want to leave. She’s engrossed in the library. As for the others, I’ll say we’ll be okay.” “Alright!” Lubba says. “I’ll see you up there! I’m guiding the Koopa Navy into the Harbor.” “I’ll help then!” Cappy adds. “Cool! See you in the sky!” The two ships then take off and head for the shores as I climb aboard. A Luma then dives into the engine chamber and turns into the star beacon, firing up the observatory and activating the rescue properties, in case one of us falls, and the gravity mechanics to allow us to walk on various surfaces as appropriate. Once ready, Rosalina gently maneuvers around some trees and other garden wildlife to keep the impact of the takeoff minimal. Airborne over the city, I take a look at the city and how the roads are coping with the ceremonial arrangements. A considerable majority of the crowd are already sitting in their claimed spots, making the view from above look like bottlenecks comparable to narrowing from a vein to a capillary. In fact, I could say that the clumping of crowds could appear as an imminent stroke… no no no no. Bad Max. BAD Max! That’s Mad, Max! I chuckle to myself as I intentionally derail that train of thought. Nevertheless, Rosalina establishes an orbital pattern for us. As I start pacing on the main level just to survey the crowd from our level, I breathe a sigh of fresh air just as the time for the first fanfare rolls around. The clock strikes 13:00, and Princess Peach leads the procession of all the heads of state with her husband, wearing a stunningly regal king outfit that he pulls off quite well. Behind them is King Bowser, only Jr at his side for reasons of spacing atop the building. Following them are King Richard, Queen Lillian, Princess Daisy, and Luigi. Behind them are Prince Peasley, standing monarch of the Beanbean Kingdom, and right behind him is King Fret of Jewelry Land. Rounding out the procession are the seven Koopa kids, forming a line that stands majestic as the fanfare/march travels across the city and out to the reaches beyond. “Ladies, gentlemen, Toads, Beanish, Jewelers, friends, family, one and all!” Mario addresses the crowd. “Today we celebrate the crowning of a successor to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom. Today we celebrate the successful endeavor of reuniting a family long lost to the ravages of war. Today we usher in a new era, in this new Galaxy. One of peace among all our nations. One where we put past actions and transgressions behind us. One where we no longer are blinded by what sets us apart but guided by what brings us together. Today is that day!” A chorus of cheers erupts from the crowd. “It has been an absolute pleasure to prepare for this momentous occasion, and on a day like today could not be better, other than maybe a few degrees warmer.” Mild chuckles pop up, with a few nodding in agreement. As Princess Peach continues to speak, I admire the spectacle of basically a whole world’s population dropping everything for the coronation of a future royal. Don’t get me wrong, it’s incredibly moving to know that Toads and plenty of other denizens in other kingdoms show their loyalty in such a way as this. When Peach’s speech ends, the crowd applauds as King Bowser takes the podium. “On behalf of the Koopa Kingdom, I would like to thank Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, Prince Mario, and Prince Consort Luigi, as well as all of their children Princes Peter, Marc, and Benito, and Princess Laura, and last but certainly not least, Princess Annabelle. All of you have been so kind and welcoming towards not only me, but also my own descendants. I cannot express my gratitude for the way we’ve been welcomed into your diplomatic brotherhood with open arms. After all of the atrocities committed against you in the name of selfish motivations, your conscious choice to welcome us with open arms when we had done nothing but stab you in the back speaks volumes about the power of compassion. The ripple effects of one simple act of kindness can kickstart a wave, and I hope that every single one of you in attendance today follows their lead when the opportunity presents itself. We all then turn to Fluttershy, who blushes at the thought. “Sometimes, we all need to be shown a little kindness.” She responds almost perfectly in sync with Bowser. He then wraps his speech up with, “I implore you all, regardless of your walk of life, to understand that everyone around you has a story to tell. A story of successes and struggles, ups and downs, times of trial and tribulation and times of celebration and mourning. If you want to make a difference in someone’s life, no matter where one is, always find and make room for compassion, just as Princess Annabelle did for not only me, but for my entire family.” Understandably, the reaction is less than optimal. Makes sense, since Bowser has made an entire lifetime out of terrorizing many of them. I know Toads are good people, and many do want to see the good in Koopas, but unfortunately, as it stands right now, that road is going to be a long and winding one. Peach, Mario and Annabelle then step forward. In his hands, Mario presents a scepter and an orb, both of pure gold and unsurprisingly mushroomy in shape. Annabelle then takes the orb in her left hand and the scepter in her right. She then turns to face the crowd as Princess Peach takes the microphone. “As all present today bear witness to this historical day, we formally welcome Princess… Annabelle. Maurizia. Toadstool!” Bowing down, she closes her eyes and waits so her mother can crown her. When she stands back up, streamers and confetti blast into the air right on cue (classic Pinkie Pie) and the crowd erupts into another round of whistles, cheers, and thunderous applause. Cameras flash, and Princess Annabelle poses for photos, proper professional photographers now lined up across adjacent buildings to snap pictures of the Princess with all the various rulers and of course her own family too. I notice Rosalina’s usually stoic face is poorly shielding liquid pride, so I move close to her, but she leaves the main floor, returning a few seconds later with a handkerchief. I smile at her as she smiles back at me, wiping the tear out of her eye. Once she calms back down, in time with the crowd dispersing, we return to the castle, gently touching down in the garden, with Starship Mario and the Odyssey landing shortly after. A few minutes after we all disembark, the same convoy of Koopa trucks arrives, bringing with them our VIP’s. Annabelle then gets a line of hugs from everyone, ending first with me and finally with Rosalina. The two of them then go for a walk in the garden while I head for the garage so I can smoke. Before I put the stick to my mouth however, Dash finds me, so I climb into the Jag. “Dude.” She says impressed by the car, “let’s take this thing for a spin!” “If there wasn’t so much traffic I’d be more willing, but also as it stands, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I say taking a huff. “Dude, stop that. It’s disgusting.” “If you’re all in on getting me to quit, I’m all in on finishing the last of the e-cigarettes I have.” “How long have you been smoking?” “On and off since I was 16, but I’ve spent more of my life off than on.” “Why did you pick it up in the first place?” “I fell for the dragon’s breath. It’s also the only reason I smoke e-cigarettes, aside from the fact that I don’t want to carry a lighter.” “Where did you get the idea that dragon’s breath was attractive?” “I couldn’t put my finger on it, but if I had to, I’d say I watched a lot of fantasy as a kid, and I thought fire-breathing dragons were badass.” “How did you conquer smoking before?” “I never got addicted. Only to the motion and the dragon’s breath. I was able to get out before it was too late.” “Yet you keep coming back to it.” “To be fair, my relapses usually coincide with major life events. In one case, it was because my dad had a stroke and I got fat shamed for it. The next one came right after my divorce before meeting Rosalina, and now that we’re getting a divorce, I’m back on the stick.” “Uh huh.” She responds with a grain of salt. “Except the very first time I started smoking, I’ve always picked it up out of stress. Besides, I’ve never gotten addicted. I only do this for the dragon’s breath. That’s why I only use e-cigarettes. Even so, I need to stop, but I only have a few boxes’ worth left. This might be my first divorce where I won’t smoke. Even though there’s a very small part of me that wants to continue smoking.” “Max, I know I’m not one to have long and heartfelt discussions about things like this, but as a fellow aviator, I have strict rules against smoking, and I think you should too, especially knowing you with your high blood pressure and very well-established tendency to act out in extreme ways. I don’t say this often, but I love ya. You’re an awesome dude, and even more awesome if you stopped smoking, permanently.” “You know you’re not the first to say that. Twilight was willing to throw away our friendship over it, Pinkie tolerates, Rarity seems to let it slide, Fluttershy has no problem with it, but I’ve also never smoked around her. Lastly, AJ said she would never want to hang out with me if I continued. So maybe I should continue.” Before I can even put the stick to my mouth, Rainbow slaps me upside the head. “Are you serious?” She asks with a tone betraying a sense of calmness. “You would continue smoking, cutting your life span down with each one, just because you want a reason not to hang out with us?” “No. I want to keep smoking because of the dragon’s breath.” “Why did you ever find that attractive?” “Aside from enjoying fire-breathing dragons as a kid? You also have to remember that I act out in extreme ways to intentionally turn people off, or away. Consider it my crush behavior, if you’ve ever had a crush on someone before.” “Why?” “It’s classed as self-destructive behavior. I apparently find it more acceptable to sabotage a potential relationship, usually because I’m afraid of developing a crush.” “But look at your friendship with AJ. You both took it rather gracefully. Applejack isn’t the best when it comes to dealing with romance.” “I picked up on that one quickly. But yes, she took it better than many I know. I’m genuinely surprised she didn’t just burn the bridge. It’s not like I have much to offer anyway.” Rainbow raises an eyebrow as I open the garage. “Sorry, I’m going to switch back my other car. Plus, if you and I are going to have a heart-to-heart, I’d rather do it outside the castle.” “Whoa there,” she exclaims getting out of the car, “I’m not someone you can pour your heart out to. I don’t like harboring those kinds of things. I don’t keep secrets very well.” “Okay. Appreciate your honesty. I know your disdain for classic cars, so I guess I’ll see you in a couple hours.” I respond firing up the Jag. “Later.” She steps back as I put the car in gear. Once I exit the garage, I stomp the throttle all the way through 1st and 2nd, admiring the massive outflux of traffic, now that the city is emptying. When I return to the housing complex, I replace the Jag and grab my Grosser, knowing I can keep my foot down, since most of the traffic is heading out rather than in. When I park, I grab my things and jump aboard the Observatory. Cappy and Peach just departed to the Koopa Kingdom to escort the Koopa brigade, so Rosalina and Lubba will be heading to Honeylune Ridge. Pinkie rides with Lubba, who leads the way. When we land on the moon, we’re a considerable distance from the chapel, for good reason. While the celestial body (or rather, natural satellite) is devoid of extraterrestrial life, a few Toads that run the gift shop greet us warmly. Apparently, the moon is a popular tourist destination, and choosing the wedding date for November 1 places it right in the middle of their off-peak season. Nevertheless, we’re greeted warmly, and some of our friends purchase souvenir knickknacks and tchotchkes, some of which includes sustainably sourced moon rock. And by sustainable I mean sold in extremely limited quantities. Remember that this moon requires no space suits, but the gravity is about 18% of our earth’s; slightly greater than our moon, which clocks in at 16.6% of our earth. Part of that may be due to the fact that despite having similar masses and gravity fields, this moon is inside the Roche limit of our earth and moon, which is consistent with the slight increase in gravitational pull, and why this moon though considerably smaller in mass still appears to be of a similar size when viewed from Mushroom Earth. Soon after, we look over a deep crater and find Starship Mario parked right next to the chapel. Leaving space for the Odyssey and the Koopa, we decide to explore the moon, Rosalina warning everyone not to go into any caves or caverns. RD and Scootaloo have fun with the reduced gravity and do long jumps, while Fluttershy clings to me to keep herself grounded. I tread gently for her sake but feign a leap, spluttering out nervous screams. “You felt that didn’t you?” “Shit!” She exclaims tightening her death grip. I chuckle and apologize, but she doesn’t let go. Electing to walk as normal as I can, I decide to go help Pinkie while Rosalina shows the others around. I’m familiar with the place except for the aforementioned caves and caverns, as Mario and Cappy did warn me before. When I reach the chapel, we walk in and to my surprise, the picture I would expect to show up on these walls, is missing. “Did she not get married here?” I ask rhetorically about Peach. I repeat the question when she appears behind me. “You knew that.” She responds. “Of course I did.” I say half-bluffing. “How could I forget the fact that after you rejected both Mario and Bowser for your hand in marriage, you straight up marooned them both, here?” “Annabelle, Marc, and Peter” is all she responds. Knowing that statement means “proof of who I chose,” I rest the case and wait for our final guests, Mario and Luigi’s parents. The two of them arrive on Starship Mario. “Mr. Marco Mario, Sr! How nice to see you.” I call offering my hand. “Hello Cap. Glad to see you too.” “Miss Louise, I hope you’ve been well.” “I have, thank you.” She responds delightfully. “And you?” “Not too bad. Come meet my friends. One of them has been assisting Princess Peach with coronation and wedding prep. They’re also clients of mine.” “Hey, that’s great! You have a larger client base now!” “Yeah, and most of them came from or via them. I’m in business now.” “Congratulations.” “Thank you. I hope you know I’m available.” “Of course. We’ve just been spending a lot of time here for obvious reasons.” “Yeah, you’re right.” “Max,” Sunset asks brandishing a guitar case, “Have you seen Princess Tw…Peach.” “Uh, I don’t think she’s here yet.” “Oh, well, we need a place for our instruments.” “You think Pinkie might know a place?” “Have you seen her?” “She was in the kitchen setting up last I saw her. Is she playing?” “She’s our drummer.” “Nice. Well, you can check the kitchen I guess.” “Didn’t you get married here?” “Nope. We chose not to have a wedding. Minimal fanfare, a sentiment I think Annabelle inherited.” “Or you were cheap.” “I’m not cheap, I’m selectively lavish. Rosalina isn’t one for big celebrations either.” “Still.” She shrugs as she looks for Pinkie. The other girls follow with three guitar cases. Vinyl and Octavia follow with the whole station on wheels and cello respectively. Behind them is a new figure who I haven’t met before, but is clearly help for the latter group. “Sir Max,” Octavia beckons, “meet Spike, aka…” “DJ Scales ‘N Tail!” He responds enthusiastically. “Split Scimitar!” I reply in kind, “Max is fine.” “Alrighty Max!” “I’m not a knight, Ms. Melody. The sir is not necessary.” “That’s not what Princess Toadstool said to me. You’re royalty here.” “That’s because I’m married to a Princess.” “My point exactly, and I shall address you as such, love.” “I’m barely a Prince Consort, but if that’s what you want to do, I won’t argue.” “Spikey-Wikey!” Rarity exclaims dropping her instrument on my foot. “It’s been so long!” Ignoring the brief flash of pain, I pick up her instrument and look for the others while they catch up. “I guess that’s the namesake of her email handle?” I ask chuckling to myself. “What history do they have?” Thinking nothing more, I find the girls’ instruments in one of the back corners for now, so they can do a sound check. Vinyl’s station is where all the instruments are plugged in, and following the girls’ instruments plugging in, the monitors and subs are laid out. I then clear the area to see if anyone is in the blast radius of the speakers before Vinyl and Sunset run the mixer, everyone else tuning and adjusting their instruments and their voices. Ludwig then pulls a felt cover off the chapel organ and acquaints himself. Looks like it’s his first time on an organ in at least a little while. When the girls wrap up their own sound check, they give the okay to Ludwig, who does a gentle warmup to expel dust from the pipes. Eventually, he continues with some classical pieces from our world: some Bach fugues and odes from his namesake. O[de to] Joy[ful joyful]. Most of his warmups are pieces that make Octavia perk up. Brandishing both an acoustic and electric cello, she strums on her wooden one and follows Ludwig’s lead, much to the combined shock and joy of the organist, who takes his own creative approach, turn this little practice into quite a heated “conversation” (for those familiar with the analogy). Not a single ear is listening to anything else, as the entire party have honed in on the unfolding symphony before them. When they finish, both performers are breathing heavily, to much applause from the rest of the audience. Of course, Larry and Vinyl, not to be outdone, attempt a duel rebuttal, so I tread cautiously and see what unfolds before me. Before the jockeys can set off however, King Dad (Wendy’s nickname for Bowser) walks in unamused. “Let’s not Raise This Roof, please. This is a wedding chapel. Cap, come with me. The rest of you, PLEASE keep it down! I can hear you from outside!” The others then stand there awkwardly as I follow the Koopa King, the tension poorly hiding a look of a childish “OOHHH! You got in trouble!” “Yes, your excellency?” “Can I trust you with this?” He asks handing me a remote. “What’s this for?” “The bells. As soon as we announce them as newlyweds.” With that, Bowser tells me to make sure I sit towards the back of the chapel, in case the signal doesn’t reach. Time for our first practice run. Sitting in the farthest row back and closest to the aisle, I take a good long look at the procession so I can get an idea as to who’s marching when. That way when I understand the sequence, I can determine when’s a good time to make my way from the front rows to the back. Peach, Daisy, and Luigi are marching, as are the Koopa siblings. With them is Annabelle’s Maid of Honor, Toadette, one of the castle servants, and the one who was very instrumental in forming a middle ground when the truth about her life was revealed. Also in the procession is Annabelle’s cousin Benito, son of Luigi and Daisy from a previous cycle of the universe. The relation between Annabelle & Benito and Peter, Marc, & Laura is kind of confusing. Technically, they are biological siblings and first cousins respectively, but at the same time, they’re also not entirely full siblings. Similarly, they’re not either half or step-siblings. Calling them half-siblings would be biologically incorrect, and step-siblings would be slightly more accurate, since they were “technically” (used very loosely), that is to say different incarnations of the same marriage. I’m not one to label; they’re all siblings and cousins, and they’re all very close with each other. Peter, Marc and Laura are not part of the procession, as there would simply be too many at the altar, so they’re relegated to audience with me. Not that they have a problem with it. They can sit with their grandparents. After about five run-throughs, I head outside for a few huffs, to see what kind of effects being in reduced gravity has on my lung capacity. No changes, which is both disappointing and half-expected. Nevertheless, I run the stick dry, having lost track of “a few” huffs and time. When I return, everyone is ready to head back. The chapel is ours for the week, so no one is meant to be here otherwise. With that, we all pile into our ships, and setting a rendezvous of 7:00 am Toad Harbor time, we all depart the moon in formation, breaking up just as we begin atmospheric reentry. A Honeylune WeddingThis is the day, this is the day! Ready and dressed in my full pilot uniform, all covered by a very large trench coat, I conceal my hat, instead opting for a beret for the outerwear’s sake. I’ll switch once we get to the moon. Only Applejack and Rosalina are awake before me, the latter prepping the observatory and making company with the former. “Mornin’ sugar cube!” AJ greets. “You look awful handsome.” She finishes dryly. “You know me with my work duds.” I say as I pull the pilot hat out and set both it and the beret on one of the chairs. “It’s more than a symbol. It’s who I am.” “I like it.” “This isn’t the first time you’ve seen me wear it, you know.” “Still looks good on you!” “Thank you.” When the others come aboard, everyone laughs, except for Pinkie, who grabs my beret and puts on a glasses-mustache disguise, laughing in French. Now we all start laughing. “Whose is this?” “Mine.” I respond. “You brought two hats?” “When you’re wearing a trench coat like this one, it works.” “And you said you didn’t have any sense of fashion, darling!” Rarity beams almost proudly. “Any word on the others?” I ask Rosalina. “Mario and Peach are traveling with the bride in the Odyssey. We’ll meet them there. I want to make sure Lubba is ready.” “How about the Koopa?” “No word. I imagine we’ll meet them on the way.” “Maybe meeting time means Bowser in the Sky.” “Maybe. We’ll maintain low orbit until we know they’re airborne.” “Do you have Bowser’s contact information?” “I don’t think he has any, since his staff do all that for him.” “Alrighty.” Once everyone is here and aboard, Rosalina fires up the observatory and lifts off, catching the contrails and very faint train whistle from the Odyssey, which likely means that they just reached escape velocity. At a height of about 3,000 m, Rosalina stops the climb to look for Koopa ships. sure enough, a fleet of airships slowly appears over the horizon. The front ship then fires three blank shots from a mounted cannon, to which Rosalina waves her wand and engulfs the observatory in a rocket-shaped forcefield, punching forward to instantaneously reach escape velocity. When Rosalina relaxes the acceleration, I stand at the bridge looking more like the captain than Rosalina, to which Rarity comes in and asks to take a picture of us looking like a crew attempting to navigate the cosmos. Soon, we come in to land on the moon. The Odyssey is already parked by the gift shop, so we park next to it. Noting the Koopa fleet a few klicks behind us, I make sure Fluttershy is okay on her feet, but today, she welcomes the reduced gravity, giving me a hug of thanks as she waits for Rosalina to secure the Observatory. All dressed in our formalwear and a timer set until we start, we make our way to the chapel. The Koopa fleet park closer to the chapel, since their airships are lower impact, meaning much less noisy and displace much less air. They park by where we walk, and with a smile and a buzz of excitement, each member greets me with a handshake. When I greet Lord Bowser himself, he proudly shows his fleet off. “Thought it’d be appropriate to showcase an evolution of the Koopa fleet.” “I approve.” I say almost immediately. “Of course you do. I know your affinity for things that fly.” “Is it that obvious?” We both chuckle. “How exciting is this? Are the kingdoms going to merge?” “We won’t have a final decision for a while, but at the least, our armed forces will operate jointly.” “That’s good to hear.” “It’s finally time I put my past actions exactly there and move forward with my efforts directed at a greater good.” “Your excellency, if it means anything, this wedding and coronation have spoken volumes about where your heart is. I know not everybody shares my view, but know that I am moved at your display of such a change of heart, and know that you’re doing this for the posterior.” “Of course. Thank you, even though I’ve heard that speech many times already.” “I understand, but I want you to know that your efforts are recognized and appreciated, if you don’t hear that enough.” He only nods as we follow Jr in. Just then, Princess Peach comes out. “Hello, are you here to make sure we don’t see the bride?” I ask with an air of formal professionalism. “Yes, and to show you to the groom suite.” Mario adds. “T-minus 2 1/2 hours!” Sunset calls as she puts on her headset. “How’re you feeling, your highness?” “Not an unhealthy amount, thank you.” The Koopa King replies. “Cap?” Louise asks me, “do you have the remote for the bells?” “I do. We’ll test them at T-minus 1 hour.” “Let’s do one at T-minus 2.” Sunset adds. “Two single chimes since it’ll be the top of the hour. Same at one.” “Even better.” “Thank you for taking the technical reigns, Miss…” “Sunset. Sunset Shimmer.” “Sunset Shimmer. It’s a very pretty name.” He smiles. “Thank you, your majesty.” She half-blushes. “Is everyone else ready?” I ask. “Daisy, Luigi and Benito are changing right now. Peter, Marc, and Laura are prepping the chapel, and of course, Pinkie Pie is getting her desserts on.” “Cool. I guess that gives us plenty of time then.” “I’m going to see Jr. One last father-son talk.” “Okay.” “I’ll show you to his room.” Peach says. “Alright.” He grumbles, mostly out of nervousness. Peach takes her former captor to her soon-to-be son-in-law’s room while the rest of us head to the wedding hall itself. The girls are doing another sound check running through some of their songs top to bottom. Allowing myself to be surprised by their set, I head outside for another cigarette. Knowing that I’m the only one not inside the chapel, I take my sweet time going through this stick, since I’m currently checking my feeds on social media, completely immune to the fact that I have cell service not only in the Mushroom World, but on their moon! My loneliness is shattered by Cappy floating in. “Hi Cap!” “Sounds a little weird to call me by a name so similar to yours.” “Hahaha.” “Just call me Max. It’ll be easier for me if we both respond to Cap.” “Okay!” A handful of puffs later, Cappy leaves. Setting a timer for about 25 minutes, I time check and activate the wedding bells via remote. Nothing. Another press of the button yields the same result. Next logical step: cycle the batteries. No cigar. After a few tries aiming at the bells direct line of sight, I can only assume that because the remote illuminates when I press the button, that something must be wrong on the receiver end. “Cap!” Mario calls from the entry doors. “Why aren’t the bells ringing?” I answer him when I get closer. “I don’t know. I can’t get it to work. The remote works, so I can only assume something in the belfry is broken.” “Oh great.” “Can you access the belfry?” “Yes.” When we propel ourselves into the belfry, after coughing up some moon dust and getting over the smell that is ever-present in structures of its type, we reach the bell tower. When we locate the receiver for the electronic ringer, I trace the wiring to see where it’s plugged in. That leads me to a breaker box with breakers conveniently not labeled. “Okay, well, nothing’s labeled, so I have to flip breakers and hazard a guess as to which one controls the mechanism.” “But we don’t know what else could be on that circuit.” “Exactly. I guess there’s only one choice we have.” “What?” 🎶“This day is going to be perfect. That kind of day of which they’ve dreamed since they were small. But while they all have their cake, With all their friends to celebrate, The wedding bells: they may not Ring for them at all.”🎶 “What are you talking about? NO ONE IS WALKING OUT OF THIS!” Bowser bellows angrily from below. “Oh, no no no, of course not! I mean that the mechanism to ring the bells is broken.” “This is an absolute disaster.” “Not to worry, your highness. Can we not ring them by hand?” “We can, but it’s not going to be an easy task.” “I can be a quasi-modo.” “Ok then. I guess you’ll have to stay in the belfry.” “I’m okay with that. I just might sign the belfry to commemorate the occasion.” With ten minutes until we go live, Sunset makes sure everything is good. Rosalina is then alerted to the bell situation, who relays it to Sunset. “You up for it, Max?” “If I throw out my back doing it, I’ll be honored,” is all I say. “Should I head up there now?” “Sure. You can ring us in when we go live.” She says handing me a earpiece. “Mic check, one two.” “Loud and clear.” With that, I climb back up into the belfry and have Rosalina shut the entry door so no one sees it. “T-Minus Five Minutes.” Sunset calls. “Alright, let’s check for slack in the rope.” After I give a heave to make sure that the bell will ring, I wait for the next time cue. “This is… the 2-Minute Warning! Bells ring on my mark. Go live on two!” I don’t have a mic, so I can’t reply. Nevertheless, I wait fervently for my cue. “Bells in 5, 4, 3, 2…” With the force of my body weight and gravity on my side, I take a leap to a lower level and wait for the first few chimes to ring loudly. One more pull at top dead center for good measure is met with, “Live in 3, 2, 1…” As I keep the bells chiming, I wait for my next cue. “Doors open, bells out. Cue the organ.” I then arrest the inertia with the rope, sustaining a slight burn before the bell body stops and one light clang emanates. “Doors open.” Ludwig then begins his original composition that he promised. Sad I get to miss it. “Doors close, finish out the prelude. Octavia and Vinyl, ready with bridal piece.” When the doors close, I adjust my position and return to the top of the belfry to increase my potential energy for when the bells ring. After the echoes of his beautiful performance precede a few seconds of silence, he opens “Here Comes the Bride.” “Doors open, the bride is on the way.” “She’s getting married and I’m getting divorced. The universe is in balance.” I chuckle to myself. “Would you stop making this about you? Would you stop making everything about you?” My inner voice says to me. I only chuckle. “The more you say shit like that to me, you know I’ll have a breakdown.” “I guess you’ll have to settle. Just like you did in your life.” “Yeah, because I lost seniority bids for all of my dream positions to colleagues who stabbed me in the back.” “That’s all you, dude. You built up the hope for it. You were the wishful thinker. You were the one who put those dreams and aspirations on such a huge pedestal. You were the one who made your life’s mission to only see those dreams and aspirations as the only thing worthwhile in your life. I did nothing. That was all you.” “You’re right. Having goals made me sad. Having goals set me up for failure. Having goals got my hopes up so high that I never would’ve expected the fall to hurt so much.” “It’s not my fault that you’re so all-or-nothing. You said you were done after you didn’t get what you wanted.” “Look, I’ll address this later. I’ll get back to you, I promise, but now’s really not the time. Can we please talk about this later?” “Fine. Your heart attack.” “For god’s sake.” I say out loud. Knowing I need a sharp ear for my final cue, I listen fervently through my earpiece as Mario begins speaking. “To all who join us for this extra special day, welcome!” “We are honored that you are joining us from wherever you are this day,” Bowser continues. “They say love is patient and kind,” “More like flagrant and blind.” My inner voice quips. I stifle laughter at my own joke as Bowser ends with, “the union of Bowser Koopa, Jr,” Mario picks up, “and Princess Annabelle Maurizia Toadstool.” The two of them then both say, “is an example to us all.” “No matter the lineage or the circumstances that prevailed in the course of their relationship,” Mario begins again. “Their love for one another persevered. When tragedy and adversity became the defining factor on the surface, the resolve and grit of both bride and groom outlasted the many trials and tribulations that faced them.” Bowser follows. “And to this day,” Mario takes over, “that same spirit, one of honesty with one another, optimism in the face of adversity, generosity in their service to their subjects, loyalty to one another and to those they love, and love for not only one another, but once again, to everyone they know and meet.” “One built first and foremost on love and understanding.” Bowser continues. “The story that these two wonderful people present here today serves as an inspiration to all of us here in attendance, and ought to serve as an example for everyone.” The King then pauses. “The history these two families have shared in the past is one rife with divisiveness, disloyalty, deceit, greed, lies, and hatred. While we acknowledge that that is how the past was written,” Mario then picks up where he leaves off, “let today serve as another reminder and a point of clarification for the future. We acknowledge that the past is and is in the past, and that while we may not forget what happened, that we may take such events and learn from them, so that we can move forward without the crippling fear of offense but also not repeating the past, lest we forget why we acknowledge the past in the first place.” “As these two should join together in matrimony in the presence of all who join us, let us never forget the past and move forward to the future. One guided by what guides the bride and groom, and one that most importantly, continuously strives to improve upon its past for the sake of ourselves, our posterity, and our future.” Bowser finishes, ending the homily. Mario then calls upon Rosalina to present the rings. When Rosalina presents Jr with his ring for Annabelle, he says, “Annabelle, when we first met, I didn’t know if you would like me because I was so different from you. I would have never imagined that my life would turn out the way it did. Now, as we stand here today, ready to spend the rest of our lives together, I can’t say enough how much I love you. Your love for those around you is clear. The duels we shared on our sand planet for many years were just a small sampling of what I have to look forward to now that we’ll spend it together. With this ring, I thee wed.” Rosalina then presents the ring for Jr to Annabelle. “Junior, when we first met, I always knew that despite your rough and tough exterior, that deep down there was a pure heart. One who didn’t let the views of those around him sway his beliefs. You always stood for what you held near and dear to you. That is an admirable quality that anyone would be incredibly lucky to have. You could always hold your own in our duels, and even when you taught me how to duel properly, you never stopped to let me learn on my own. Today, you show me that I can do the same today, as the future stands before us; you and I will continue to grow with each other, side by side, defending what we hold near and dear to us, together. With this ring, I thee wed.” “Bowser Koopa, Jr.” Mario begins majestically, “do you take Princess Annabelle to be thy lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better for worse, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, always and forever, ‘till death do you part?” “I do.” “Princess Annabelle,” Bowser continues in kind, “do you take Bowser Koopa, Jr. to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, through thick and through thin, in sickness and in health, forever and always, ‘till death do you part?” “I do.” “Those who have witnessed the commitment to each other in the bonds of matrimonial wedlock are also here to witness the unity of the armed forces of the Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Kingdom.” Mario begins. “Across the seas, up in the air, and on the ground. In celebration of the creation of our joint armed forces and the unification of our bride and groom, I am pleased to pronounce you husband and wife!” “You may kiss the bride!” Mario exclaims. The two of them then lock lips and share their first kiss as husband and wife. “Ladies, gentlemen, Toad, Koopa, Beanish, Jewelers, friends, family, one, and all, I am pleased to announce Prince Bowser Koopa Jr. and Princess Annabelle Maurizia Toadstool!” “Bells on, they’re hitched!” Sunset calls. “Bells on, they’re hitched!” “This one’s for you, Notre Dame!” I exclaim to myself, and with a death grip on the rope, I jump from the belfry and ring the bells once again. When the bells stop ringing, I exit the belfry once I know everyone’s outside. I remove my earpiece and ask Sunset where to return it. She takes it and runs back in before I receive the newlywed soon-to-be ex adoptive daughter-in-law. “Congratulations Annabelle.” I whisper to her. “Thank you dad!” She whispers back. “I’m honored you’d call me that.” I half-whisper. “Congratulations Jr!” I say offering the groom a hug. “Thanks man.” He responds gripping me tightly. “I hope you find everything you’ve been looking for.” I say with an air of mystery. I then head back to the observatory so I can return my iPad to my bag. Taking my sweet time to get to the ship, I have another cigarette to deplete my stash. Gently strolling over the surface of the moon, I foolishly have a second stick, as when I reach the observatory, who but Fluttershy should catch up to me. “Hi Max. What are you doing?” “Just returning my iPad. I needed it to get an idea of cues for ringing the bells.” “Oh. Okay. Why are you still smoking? You know it’s very bad for you.” “I know. These are e-cigarettes. All the dragon’s breath without any of the harsh chemicals and additives that cause the cancers.” “That’s still no excuse to keep doing it.” “I know. I have a few boxes’ worth of them that I need to finish, so once those go, then that’ll be it.” “I hate seeing you smoke. If you enjoy it though, I don’t want you to think I’m being mean.” “Of course not. The only people that seem to be okay with it are you and Sunset.” “It’s not my place to tell you what or what not to do, but just know that I care for you. Smoking is one of the worst things you can do to yourself.” “I know. That’s why I e-smoke.” She ends up walking with me to the ship, maintaining a very slight grip on my arm in the lower gravity. When we return to the chapel, all the chairs are now arranged with tables and the only thing in the hall is Vinyl’s turntables along with a stage and all the girls’ instruments. Fluttershy then grabs her tambourine and starts to shake it around, probably as a warmup. I claim a table and look for the water. Pinkie and the Toads then roll out the drinks and hors d’oeuvres. I grab a cup and have a drink. Rosalina sits down next to me as I sigh in relief. “I know this is the worst place to talk about this,” I hesitantly begin, “but now that all the paperwork is done, all we have to do is appear in court. When should we schedule that?” “Let’s wait until the end of summer. Less happening.” “Agreed. I hope this doesn’t change anything between us.” “It doesn’t. I will always love you, but marriage wasn’t the answer for us.” “Those views sound about as corrupt as me.” “I know, but I guess I understand why now.” “Why what?” “Two of the best of friends decide to start dating and it blossom into something beautiful. That’s kind of what happened with us.” I smile as she adds, “and then, it didn’t.” “That’s where I have to ask what went wrong.” I say as my face drops. “From my view,” she responds almost immediately, “nothing. Do you remember when we first got intimate, we said that we were perfect as really close platonic friends?” “Yeah?” “Well, turns out that’s exactly where we needed to stay after all.” “Then that’s exactly where it went wrong. It was my idea to start dating, it was my idea to consider marriage, and I’m the one who said “we should just get married.” “But I was the one who proposed.” “Still, I can’t help but feel this whole mess is my fault.” “But it isn’t a mess, and it isn’t your fault. The only one who feels bad about this is you.” “And I think I have a right.” “Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. My point is, I don’t feel bad about this divorce, and neither should you.” “In that case, can I have this dance?” I ask as one of our favorite songs comes on. “Let’s get this party started!!” Author's Note
Push Button ‘B’“Joshua departure, Neo Kid 1 off Victorville, 5.3 for 8,000.” “Neo Kid 1, Joshua departure. Radar contact. Climb and maintain FL250. Proceed direct Hector, expect FL350.” “FL250, direct Hector, FL350, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, contact Los Angeles Center, 133.2.” “133.2, Neo Kid 1.” “Los Angeles Center, Neo Kid 1, direct Hector, 11,200 climbing FL250.” “Neo Kid 1, Los Angeles Center, roger. Climb and maintain FL350.” “Climb 350, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, descend via the COYOT Five arrival. Sky Harbor information Charlie current. Wind 090 at 5, 10 miles visibility, sky clear, temperature 32, dewpoint 5, altimeter 30.12. Currently landing east.” “Copied, thank you. Neo Kid 1.” Rosalina then says, “my radios. You can concentrate on the flying.” “Alrighty.” “Wow, it’s a hot one in Phoenix today.” “Par for the course actually. 90 at… noon? A bit high for late-October, but within 5 degrees.” “Hmm.” She responds. “Neo Kid 1, contact Phoenix Approach on 128.65.” “128.65,” Rosalina responds setting it for the switch, “Neo Kid 1.” “Phoenix Approach, Neo Kid 1, COYOT arrival.” “Neo Kid 1, Phoenix Approach, Roger.” A few minutes after we reach COYOT waypoint, Phoenix calls. “Neo Kid 1, Phoenix.” “Neo Kid 1, go ahead.” Rosalina responds. “Are you familiar with the Phoenix metro area?” “Affirm.” Rosalina responds after I nod at her. “Neo Kid 1, roger. Can you proceed on a long base to runway 7R, following I-17?” I take the transmission for her. “Affirm.“ “Neo Kid 1, roger. Cleared visual approach runway 7R. Follow I-17. Report Metrocenter Mall if I don’t call you before then.” “Cleared visual 7R following I-17, report Metrocenter Mall, Neo Kid 1.” “Well, this should be interesting. We’ll literally follow the freeway in right below us, and if I remember correctly, it’ll literally take us to the threshold. Once we meet Loop 101 or 202, I forget, I’ll hand fly base to final.” “Okay. And per maps, it’s loop 101.” “Is it?” I ask looking at the map she shows us. “Oh! We meet I-10, which becomes Loop 202. I’ll hand fly from I-10.” “Okay.” As I adjust altitude to stay within Phoenix Class B airspace, I configure the aircraft as normal. Below 230 knots, set flaps 1. Below 200 knots, set flaps 2. Runway in sight, lower landing gear. Below 185 knots, set flaps 3. “Sky Harbor Airport information Charlie…” “Good, no changes to the weather.” Below 177, set flaps full. 1000. 100. 50. 40. 30. 20. 10. Touchdown. Spoilers up, brakes on. 2 in reverse. “Neo Kid 1, turn right H6, H6 H to Cutter, ground 132.55.” “Right H6, H6 H to Cutter, ground 32.55, Neo Kid 1.” Cleaned up, lights good, Cutter is the left right before H3. Shut down, fees paid, a couple hundred gallons of fuel, and I return with Sunset Shimmer. Passenger brief, settled comfortably, next stop: Amarillo. Cruising at FL330, we meet Route 66 just before the start of happy hour (14:00). Rosalina does all the honors and returns with her brother without me ever leaving the ramp. Onward to Ar-Kansas. In her elder sister’s absence, Mac will take the reigns of the farm’s picking, while Granny Smith decides to handle the deliveries. In fact, Mac has gone as far as Oklahoma to deliver special ordered batches of apples, a first as usually their products are shipped commercially. One bakery in particular has caught Mac’s interest. Wanting to know, but figuring it’s too early to pry, I wish him luck and make him promise to tell me about it when we next meet. Our next stop is Opa Locka, picking up the stylistically diametric but nevertheless dynamic duo of Vinyl Scratch – aka DJ Pon-3, and Octavia Melody, cello connoisseur. While they reside in Pompano Beach, Opa Locka is the only airport that doesn’t have strict noise abatement rules or absurd landing fees, which is why I use it. The duo has a gig in Manhattan beforehand, so after setting a reminder for that, we’re off to Indianapolis to pick up Twilight. It’s been a couple months since we last saw each other, and when she left it didn’t end well. “Hi Max.” She says acting cordial but obviously hiding something. “Hey Twilight.” I respond despondently. “I’m really sorry about last time. I know you were upset, but you knew I did smoke beforehand.” “It’s fine. I kind of overreacted, but you have to understand that we had every right to be upset. You know that we want what’s best for you, and that in my eyes firmly includes being smoke-free.” “I hope you know that I’m just getting my money’s worth. Those are sunk costs, and in the years it took me to acquire them, I always knew I’d quit. Now that I’m down to my last few boxes, I hope that I can be done with them when I run the last one dry.” “Well, of course! It’s not like you’re addicted are you?” “No. I can still quit if I want to.” “You know, that doesn’t help me at all.” “Ah Ha Ha,” I respond boisterously. “You needn’t a thing to worry about.” “Uh, that does nothing to help your case. Come on, you know just as well as I do that it doesn’t take much to become an addict.” “Of course not. I conquered smoking at 16 under my own power when I was 18. I had a hard relapse at 23 because of personal issues. I’ve been on and off since then, and now I’m riding out the last wave. This should be the final off.” “Even so, I can’t let you smoking like hot food go unchecked.“ “Smoking like hot food?” I chuckle. “That’s a new one.” “Well, it is just ‘harmless’ water vapor.” She responds sarcastically. “Touché.” Once aboard, she starts talking to Lockie before I ask Sunset when Rainbow and Fluttershy are meeting us in New York. Rainbow lands at LaGuardia in the afternoon, and Fluttershy is into Newark in the late afternoon, the same day. Westchester County airport is full, Gabreski all the way in the Hamptons is also unable to accommodate, I don’t have a waiver to fly into LaGuardia, Newark is not an option due to the current flow situation down there (traffic metering with an upcoming runway change), we can’t make Teterboro, and for sure aren’t going down in the Hudson. Unfortunately, this means, “Neo Kid 1, per available parking, cleared to Kennedy airport via Delancey - Delta-November-Yankee; V483, Deer Park - Delta-Papa-Kilo, transition ILS 22L.” “Cleared to JFK via Delancey V483 Deer Park, expect ILS 22L, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, readback correct. Crossing Delancey, reduce speed to 230 knots.” “230 after Delancey, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, contact New York approach on 128.12. Good day.” “28.12, good day, Neo Kid 1.” “New York approach, Neo Kid 1, 7,000.” “Neo Kid 1, New York approach, good evening. Descend and maintain 3,000.” “3,000, Neo Kid 1.” “Neo Kid 1, reaching 3,000, slow to 170 knots, cleared ILS approach runway 22L via Deer Park. Maintain 3,000 until established.” “170 knots at 3,000. Cleared ILS 22L via Deer Park, maintain 3,000 until established, Neo Kid 1.” When we level off at 3,000, I call out, “Below 230, set flaps 1.” “Maintain 170 knots. Flaps set.” Rosalina calls back, “flaps 2 at your discretion.” “I’ll call it for you.” I say as I reset the airspeed bug to 170. “Alright. Approach brief?” “Do you have a chart?” I ask looking over at her. “Do you want to see mine?” “Sure. I’ll hold it, you can just fly.” “You want to brief it?” “I’ll just give you the altitudes. If we don’t get lower, expect glideslope capture at 3,000. Otherwise, 1,800. Missed approach procedure: climb to 500, then climbing left turn 3,000 intercept Kennedy radial 190 to CHANT and hold.” “Thank you. Mode set to nav. Localizer set on 110.9. Autopilot set, once heading bug switches off, flaps 2.” “Got it.” Localizer captured. “Neo Kid 1, Radar service terminated. Contact Kennedy tower now, 119.1.” “19.1, Neo Kid 1.” Rosalina keys back. “Kennedy tower, Neo Kid 1, ILS 22L.” “Neo Kid 1, Kennedy tower. You’re number 1. Runway 22L, cleared to land, traffic will be holding in position.” “Cleared to land 22L, Neo Kid 1.” “Below 200 knots, flaps 2.” I call immediately after she acknowledges ATC. “Got it.” “Virgin 46, traffic landing the parallel runway, runway 22R, cleared for takeoff, fly the Canarsie climb.” “Cleared for takeoff 22R, Canarsie climb, Virgin 46.” “Lower landing gear.” “3 green, down and locked.” She calls when the lights change from red to green. “Below 185 knots, flaps 3.” “Three.” Rosalina says as I throttle back to our approach speed. “Below 177, flaps full please.” “Set. 1000 to go.” “Thank you.” 500. Environment in sight. Autopilot disengage. Hand fly to landing. 100. 50. 40. 20. 10. Touchdown. Spoilers up, brakes on, 2 in reverse. “Neo Kid 1, right J, cross runway 22R no delay, J A Q Q4 to Sheltair, monitor 121.9.” “J, cross 22R, no delays, J A Q Q4, Sheltair, 21.9, Neo Kid 1.” Taking the high speed taxiway J, thankful the surface isn’t wet, I make quick work across the parallel, shutting off all the bright lights once across as we coast comfortably to our parking. “Neo Kid 1, Kennedy ground. Hold short of Q4. You’ll be waiting for the Chicken charter.” “Short of Q4, Neo Kid 1.” Rosalina responds. “Why didn’t they go to Liberty?” I then ask. “If I knew, I’d’ve said so. Then again, I’m a 49ers fan, so…” “I’m more annoyed that they don’t use their hometown airline. Bear down.” “Delta 12, please tell me everyone’s aboard.“ Ground groans impatiently. A long pause on air leads me to believe they’re on 121.65. “Neo Kid 1, hold short of PC, traffic will be taxiing out and onto runway 13R.” “Short of PC, Neo Kid 1. What’s the type?” “A330… -200.” “Wow. Can’t even give ‘em a Neo.” “Hahahaha!” The controller keys back. “Just for that, stop.” “Wouldn’t expect anything less, Neo Kid 1.” I say gently applying the brakes. “Delta 12, if you’re not out of the ramp in the next 15 minutes, you will be towed, and your new flow time will be in 2 1/2 hours.” “Roger, Delta 12, Seattle’s in flow too. We just heard from company.” “I understand, but what’s the hold up? I have a diversion that can’t take the ramp until you leave.” “Company‘s updating us on Seattle. Should be 5.” “I’m this close to flagging you for a false start.” “Company doesn’t want us to leave until we get a flow time in Seattle, and we can’t get a flow time there until we get a flow time out of here. Plus, we’re short a few passengers on the manifest.” “Well, are you ready to go? Is everyone on board?” “Affirm.” “Delta 12, clearance delivery 35.05 for a reroute. In the meantime, as soon as you’re able, runway 13R, full length from PF. We’ll park you there in the meantime.” “On the way.” “Neo Kid 1, behind the chickens, Q Q4.” “Behind the 12’s, Q Q4, Neo Kid 1.” Once parked, we shut down and are greeted by a lineman and the manager on duty. “Evening.” The lineman greets. “Welcome to JFK.” He calls as he grounds the aircraft. “Welcome to Kennedy Airport.” The manager says. “We understand you were not originally intending to land here, but New York Approach told us there was no space elsewhere for you.” “That is true. Can you hold us for a week or will we have to move?” “As far as I can tell, you shouldn’t need to move. We’re reservation only, but since you were an extraneous circumstance, you have a valid reason to be here. I’ll have to talk with Port Authority, since they collect most of the fees. I think there’s a discount for diversions. What was your original destination?” “Westchester.” “Okay. Come with me, we’ll get this worked out. Been here for quite a few years now, these types of things still are pretty rare.” I chuckle and tell my passengers to wait while I take care of all the paperwork. A few minutes later, I emerge with temporary ramp passes, an invoice with itemized charges, including a 50% discount for diversion parking, and a cup of coffee. Once we’re out of the airport, Rosalina and Lockie head straight for the Mushroom World using one of my Focus RS she claimed in the divorce papers. This particular one is Nitrous Blue, a very appropriate color for her in the Mushroom World, especially as a place where there is a huge car scene in the mainstream. Of course, the others aren’t short of a ride, as we all fit comfortably in my Escalade ESV, license plate ‘MLPEQG13’. Since I have to be here for tomorrow’s arrivals, we’re staying at my Manhattan residence. Before we leave, I text Rarity. “Westchester Airport was full. Had to land at Kennedy. Do you want me to pick you up or do you want to drive into the city?” “I just picked up Sweetie Belle, and she’s gonna stay with me a little while after the wedding, so we’ll meet you in Manhattan. Your residence?” “Oui, mon château.” “😘” With that, I put the Escalade in gear, map out the quickest way to the house, and head out of Kennedy. The quickest way in is via the Midtown Tunnel, so once we emerge right by the United Nations, I decide to catch 42nd and drive by the boutique on the way. As I stop at the intersection of Madison and 42nd, I watch pedestrians crossing absentmindedly, but soon after the stop timer begins counting down, my heart drops to my stomach. “Holy shit.” I mumble audibly to myself. “Never in a million years.” “What’s wrong?” Applejack asks. “You see that man? The one wearing the thick trench coat over a sky blue shirt? The one who looks decidedly Filipino?” “Yeah?” “That’s one of my cousins. We were pretty close back then.“ “Sugarcube, I am so sorry you had to see him.” “Don’t be sorry, are you kidding? You know how happy I am to see him here, successful and happy? If he lives in SoHo, he’s accomplished one of his dreams.” “But he’s one of yer sorry excuses for family.” “Would you stop referring to my birth family as less than? They’re human too! Besides, he was actually the last one to disown me. Hell, if the family hadn’t made him choose, I’m pretty sure he’d still acknowledge me as a relative, and a friend.” “Then why did he disown you?” “Because the family made him choose, and he had to stay loyal to the family. I don’t fault them for it, I almost encouraged it.” “Why?” “Because the place I attempted suicide was the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s still funny that my extended family were more loyal to me than my actual flesh and blood. If only Rainbow Dash was with us. She of all people would understand.” “Maybe, but what matters is that we met you. And I’ll be honest, I don’t think we met by chance.” “You think some grand powerful force in the universe brought us together?” “Yea! I don’t know how religious ya’ are, but I don’t think you and Rarity met by accident.” “Meta AF, AJ.” When we pull in to the house, I ask if anyone else is coming. Starlight Glimmer is coming back, once again on behalf of Princess Twilight, to explore other worlds beyond ours and Equestria. Arrival into LaGuardia at 7:00 am means I can pick her up. After all, I’ll have Dash and Fluttershy to grab too, and from there, we can go straight to the pipes. Since it’ll be everyone’s first time, customs will need to create new files for the newcomers. From there, we’ll be housed in most likely Toad Harbor at the castle over there, obviously so we’re all there for the coronation, and because there’ll be too many of us if we stay in Toad Town, and that’s before the literal cross-country distance between the two. The time zone difference between each side of the MK is five hours, but it doesn’t take that long to traverse the kingdom as the highways have no speed limit. However, while the roads may seem simple and fun, the rules are quite a bit nuanced depending on where you are. I’ll explain that once we clear customs. In the meantime, we’ll wait for Rarity and Sweetie Belle. “Either of you hungry?” I text Rarity. Sweetie Belle replies from her phone, “I could go for some pizza. Rarity wants you to wait though. Until we get there.” “Of course. I assume you’re on your way now, since you’re doing all the talking.” “Yeah.” “Where you at?” “In the Bronx.” “Alrighty. No one else is that hungry, but since it is late, we oughta eat.” “Cool. Friendly reminder that Scootaloo is landing at JFK at 10:00 tomorrow.” “Okay. Starlight Glimmer lands at 7:00 at LaGuardia. If you have your way, you may have to pick her up.” “I’ll do it!” “Tell Rarity since you’ll be driving her car.” “Cool!” Not 10 minutes later does Rarity’s Lexus park curbside. We exchange hugs before they claim a bedroom, to which I get ready for the night. With an early day ahead of me and not being fully acclimated to eastern time, I’m too tired to eat. Up at 5, running by 6, plenty of wiggle room for the little drive to LaGuardia means I can pleasure cruise. Nevertheless, I’m there with plenty of time to spare. I decide to park and do the proper chauffeur thing since I don’t have her contact info. Holding a paper sign dressed in a golf shirt and cargo shorts, I feel a bit of a berk because I’m underdressed for the occasion. Even so, Starlight finds me and we share a hug even though she has a duffel bag in one hand and a cup of hot cocoa in the other. Not much fanfare on either of our parts, we head for the Escalade and make for Manhattan, where upon our arrival, Sweetie Belle is out the front door to get Scootaloo. Waving to the two of us, she heads out just as I set a timer for the last two arriving passengers; Rainbow into LaGuardia at 15:00, and Fluttershy into Newark at 16:30. As Starlight gets comfortable in the kitchen, I decide to nap, waking up a couple hours later, greeting Scootaloo with a handshake and hug before the three of them head up the block for pizza and hot dogs. I follow them out but instead get a pretzel and mustard. I return after eating 2 pretzels, not sparing any mustard. It’s been a while since I’ve had a street pretzel from NYC, and this didn’t disappoint. The girls I can see have a giant pizza pie amongst the three of them, and proper Brooklyn style too. Scootaloo also has a hot dog with the works. When they turn the box sideways to get it through the door, they drop it on the kitchen counter and dig in. I grab a can of sparkling water I brought from California to wash down my meal. After 2 minutes of channel surfing, I say out loud, “why do I pay for these things?” “Wait!” Sweetie Belle calls. “We’ll find something to watch.” “If you don’t have a TV series, there aren’t any games on yet.” “When‘s the next game?” Scootaloo asks. “Uh, Nuggets–Pelicans tips off at 19:30, but…” “Wow, a blowout!” She exclaims as she tunes a Celtics–Cavs game. “That’s a replay.” “Aw! It’s somethin’ though. Thanks Max.” “No problem.” I say as I head for my bedroom, where an unexpectedly comfortable Rarity is curled up under the sheets. Immediately, I turn around as slyly as possible and close the door behind me. “Is Rarity asleep in yer’ room?” Applejack asks as I close the door. “Yeah.” “Okay. I need to talk to her about my performin’ outfit.” “What’s up with it?” “It doesn’t… accommodate me.” “Above or below?” “Uh… “36, 24, or 36?” “Yer’ not making a lick ‘a sense.” “36,” I say pointing to my chest, “24,” pointing at my waist, “or 36?” I finish pointing at my hips. “Oh! Uh… hmm… 72.” “What do you…” I cut myself short. “How would Rarity get either of those wrong?” “Ha. Beats me.” Instead of going for a nap, I sit on my front steps and have an e-cigarette. “Can I have a drag?” A voice asks from behind me. “Never took you for a smoker, AJ.” I respond. “I ain’t. I thought ye’ were quittin’.” “When I smoke the last e-cigarette I have. This one is but of many.” “Ya’ know, you smokin’ really doesn’t help your case for Rarity.” “Well, she somehow managed to tolerate it when we were in Europe. She knows that I’m only smoking now to get rid of the boxes I have. At least she understands.” “Max, I know ye’ like me, and Rarity has a crush on you. I will never date much less marry a smoker.” “Well, you’re in luck. I’m still married to Rosalina, plus, me smoking is actually good for you and me. Keeps you from wanting to go out with me, not that you ever wanted to, and if Rarity is indeed intolerant of me smoking, this keeps her away; and by extension you.” “You know I don’t mean it like that. I don’t want to date you because you’re a smoker. I don’t want to date you because I just don’t feel that way about you, sugar cube.” “And you know what, I’m glad it’s one-sided. I’m also glad it’s not unrequited. You understand where we are, and probably have a better idea and vision of what and where we are. Yes, we’re friends, and yes, we could date if we wanted to, despite your dealbreakers, namely in me smoking.” I pause to take a huff. “However,” I exhale, “we both know that what we have now is good. I like where we are, you like where we are, and quite frankly, I like it like that.” “Me too, sugar cube. I don’t want to take where we are further than it is now because our friendship is too great to risk.” “Took the words right outta my mouth.” I say with another huff, smoke seeping out with each movement. “Well, if you would quit smokin’, you’d be able to come up with the words.” She says nudging my side and chuckling. “I’d be wasting my money if I didn’t finish what I have.” I smile back. “You buying them was already wastin’ money.” “Are you all in on getting me to quit?” “Yes.” “Great. Okay.” “Don’t be like that. We all want what’s best for you, and we mean our best intentions.” “I know. Still can hurt though.” I respond dropping my face. *Timer* “Well, that’s my cue. You want to join me? I have Rainbow Dash into LaGuardia and Fluttershy into Newark.” “Eh, why not?” The V8 of my Escalade gets to sing as I make for the aircraft carrier while Applejack puts on some country music. When we reach LGA, Rainbow is already waiting curbside. The car doesn’t even leave drive, so as soon as she gets comfortable, I make for the turnpike and head to United central. “Hi Max, we’re waiting for our gate. Sorry.” “That’s alright. Did you check in a bag?” “Yes.” “All Good. AJ and Dash are with me.” “Yay.” Taking our time in Jersey City and Hoboken, we wait until Fluttershy texts that she’s ready. When we reach terminal loop, we go for 3 circuits before we pick her up. Rainbow slides over, I park and open the boot. She drops her bag in and closes the boot lid in one swift fluid motion, joining Dash in the right middle seat. “Sorry about that. We arrived early and our gate wasn’t quite ready for us yet.” “No problem. I actually had issues getting out of LaGuardia. Queens traffic.” “Now that you’re here,” Rainbow says, “we can head for Brooklyn. I’m low-key excited for this.” “Glad you are.” I say. “I love going to the Mushroom World. Once you get a file set up with customs, you quite literally can come and go as you please. Don’t need bags or a pass. Well, maybe bags if you want to stay more than a day.” “Is customs gonna be a real hootenanny like it is here?” AJ asks somewhat nervously. “Only for the first-timers. After that, all you need is to make sure you pass facial recognition. It keeps the warp pipe process simple. Otherwise, if you don’t, you get warp rerouted to customs.” “Interesting.” “It’s really not that bad. You just sign an anti-terrorist contract, provide some basic contact information, and get a photo taken of you for their database. And the best part for me is, the Mushroom World has a huge car scene. Across the four kingdoms, there is a strong preference for a specific type of car depending on where you are. You know I’m a petrol head, so I always love to bring it up. I have a small assortment of cars over there.” “They all stick?” Rainbow asks half snide. “Actually no. Most of the cars I keep over there are classics. The climate across the entire Mushroom World is very non-abrasive compared to even the Dry Dry Desert of this world. Protection from the elements for priceless classic cars among others.” “Pleh.” Dash says pointing at her outstretched tongue. “Classic cars? Sounds like a big ol’ ball of… LAME!” “You’ll love Mario’s kids then. One son has a Lambo and the other an Aston last I was there.” “Really?” “Yep. Last time I was there the four of us really tore up the streets. Lambo vs. Aston vs. Ford v Ferrari.” “And again I say, ‘LAME!’” “Oh alright then.” When we reach home, they all hug and do their best friend things before I tell them collectively, “if you’re all ready, we can head to the Mushroom World. Please have a form of photo ID ready and bags easy to inspect. Rarity, you will have to follow us. My Escalade only has room for 6 others, and there are 9 of us. “Got it!” Sweetie Belle says as she goes for the keys. “Let’s load up. Who’s riding with me?” AJ and Scoots opt for the Lexus, leaving me with Starlight, Twilight, Sunset, Rainbow, and Fluttershy. “Rarity, are you okay with driving your car in the Mushroom World?” “I don’t think there’ll be a problem.” “Okay. Customs should give you an outline for the rules of the road, but the first thing you need to know is outside of the urban centers, there are no speed limits.” “Don’t drive too fast then.” “Your car can go faster than mine, so that won’t be an issue.” “Okay. Well, I’ll be behind you the whole way.” “Okay, follow me to Brooklyn.” I then text Rosalina, “en route to the pipes, will report past customs.” Only a read receipt shows as I secure the house behind me. With that, I put her in gear and make for Brooklyn. When we reach their old office, I turn a key that operates the electric gate for access to the road-based warp pipes. Both of us drive through before I turn the key again to close the gate behind us.
Here We Go, Off The Rails“There's your pipe.” I say looking at a piece of concrete pipeline only seen on oversize lorries, suitable for even the largest of lifted trucks to drive through. “The process is very simple. Upon entry, customs will be alerted via infrared camera of our presence. The crossing to the customs checkpoint takes about a minute or two. The customs Toads will give you instructions once you meet them. Since it's your first time, they'll need a sheet of basic information. Follow what they tell you.“ And with that, I get back in, repeat my spiel to the passengers in my car, then slowly proceed through. The headlights turn on automatically as I set the tunnel’s speed limit of 30 mph. We pass a few hidden cameras as I continue the drive. It feels a little weird to do this, since I’m already in their database, but my entire party (including the cars themselves) needs to enter into the system. Eventually, we reach a series of red and green pulsing lights shortly after hearing the magic sound. I say rhetorically, “those lights will pulse either left or right. They're on because they recognize we're here.” Only the red lights then flash left, indicating that the vehicles are not recognized, so I throw the wheel and watch for toads. Rarity follows as the red lights continue flashing to the left. Expecting a Toad to guide us in the otherwise pitch black tunnel, one waves light wands. Motioning towards him, he directs me in. As soon as I stop and park, we all climb out and ready for inspection. “Hi Captain!” One of the Toads calls offering his hand. “Nice to see you again, sir! Glad to be back. I have friends with me who have been invited to Princess Annabelle’s wedding ceremony.” “That’s great! It’s a nice time to be here! With heirs to the throne of both the Mushroom and Koopa Kingdom getting married, public attitude is quite high spirits.” “I’m sure!” Everyone else is directed into a set of rooms by various Toads so they can fill out their customs paperwork individually. I’ve filled out the sheets before, but I ask to see my copy for old time’s sake. “Welcome to the Mushroom World! This information remains confidential and is only shared with emergency authorities in the highly unlikely event of an emergency, with no reason for use otherwise. Nevertheless, all first-time visitors are required to complete this sheet. Name: Split Scimitar, aliases “Captain,” “Cap,” “Max” Occupation: Pilot Nationalities: USA, UK, Australia, France Birthday: May 29 Have you ever been linked to, tried for, or otherwise involved in any crime at any level? Yes/No If yes: please state type, date, and outcome of conviction. Have you ever been linked to any known or unknown organizations associated with terrorism? Yes/No Do you promise to abide by the laws and regulations set forth by Princess Peach, King Richard, King Koopa, Prince Peasley, and King Fret? Yes/No The completion of this sheet serves as a contract between the bearer and the constituents mentioned in question 3 above. Any violation of these laws is grounds for immediate revocation of travel privileges and lifetime ban with little to no possibility of reinstatement. Under no circumstances shall any action be taken to avoid or otherwise transgress responsibility which has been undertaken by the individual in question (Bearer). The Mushroom Realms believe in full and fair responsibility of the individual. Therefore, any attempts to excuse any form of liability in any capacity will result in immediate revocation and lifetime ban without the possibility of reinstatement. It is the responsibility of the individual and only the individual to ensure that any actions undertaken are justifiable and defensible. It is expected that a responsible resident of the Mushroom Realms understands that individual actions can and will have consequences. Signing below declares assumption of full responsibility from herein forward.” I laugh reading the official statement, because I know for a fact that it’s approved as a direct stab at lawsuit culture while still maintaining its meritorious qualities. That is supposed to protect against frivolous lawsuits and ensures that individuals act responsibly, respectfully, and ethically. The Mushroom World, especially the Koopa Kingdom, has zero tolerance for people who refuse to accept responsibility for their actions and blame other people as if they’re above the law and beyond accountability. One by one, each of my friends returns to the main room. Once everyone returns, the Toads then ask the drivers or owners of both cars to go over the paperwork for foreign-registered vehicles. Make/Model: Cadillac Escalade ESV Color: Black Country of registration: USA License Plate: MLPEQG13 Registered Owner: Split Scimitar Insurance: Yes/No. If Yes, Provider: Allstate. Make/Model: Lexus IS300t Color: Silver Country of registration: USA License Plate: RARITY 6 Registered Owner: Rarity Insurance: Yes/No. If Yes, Provider: Liberty Mutual. Once the papers clear, we receive clearance from the customs Toads and the gates open for us, revealing a light at the end of the pipe. I then give Rarity a walkie talkie so we can communicate. “We should be approaching a junction for each of the 5 Realms: The Mushroom Kingdom, Koopa Kingdom, Sarasaland, Beanbean Kingdom, and Jewelry Land.” I say on the air. When we reach the junction, I exclaim “Oh, look at that” and hit the brakes. “Beanbean junction closed for tunnel maintenance. Did they finally address their gas main leak? I’ll take that as a no.” Sunset and I titter. “What’s so funny?” Rainbow Dash asks. “The Beanbean Kingdom’s vehicle warp pipe has been under construction since I first came here. Apparently because of a gas main leak close to the line, they needed to reroute the vehicle portal to somewhere else in the Kingdom.“ “And that’s funny because…?” An obvious joke going over her head, I quip back, “Because the Beanbean Kingdom has a surplus of whoopee cushions.” The entire Escalade all bust out laughing as I throw the wheel back towards the MK. “Not. Cool.” Dash seethes back as I give it a rev and make haste. As we pass through, a posted sign says, “Welcome to the Mushroom Kingdom. Speed Limit 65 mph/105 kph. KEEP LEFT.” “Both imperial and metric units appear on road signs, so pay attention. Also, beware of the traffic pattern orientation. The rules of the road can be confusing. In the Mushroom Kingdom, outside of city limits, drive on the left. Inside the cities, drive on the right.” “Why?” Sweetie Belle asks from the Lexus. "It's designed so the driver of a left hand drive (LHD) vehicle has a view of the outside wheels on ridge roads, such as the highway we're gonna take, aptly named Shroom Ridge. The roads cross over once inside city limits. Confusing as the orientation can be for the driver, it still makes sense though. If I'm driving a right hand drive (RHD) car in right hand traffic (RHT), then when parallel parking, the driver will be curbside. That's practical, because the door isn't at risk for being slashed by another car, and having a view of the outside wheels on a ridge road is for safety reasons. A few realms are however RHD and left hand traffic (LHT) like Britain, Australia, Thailand, and Japan. Two of Sarasaland's 4 kingdoms drive on the left. So does Jewelry Land. Why the variance? Same reason for the MK’s twisted pattern. It just makes sense from a motoring perspective, especially because the MK is the Mushroom World’s trade hub. With all the intermingling of RHD & LHD with LHT & RHT, the weird orientation in the MK is a compromise by all five kingdoms.” No response from anyone, but once we get onto Shroom Ridge, I reach the speed limit for the portal road and then stomp the throttle, letting the engine rev up to just shy of redline to get up to speed with maximum performance. Cadillac estimates the top speed of their Escalade models at 130 mph/210 kph. Rarity’s Lexus is limited to 143 mph/230 kph. I settle for 200 kph en route to Toad Town. When we roll in, I head to the driveway and find the garage open, with everyone’s cars sitting proudly. Peter and Marc are the first ones to come and greet me with hugs. “Hey Cap!” Marc says. “Glad you’re here. We’re just about to motorcade. Aunt Daisy and them are gonna meet us in Toad Harbor.” “They’re gonna traverse Birabuto?” “Yeah.” “Are you all driving your own cars?” “No. Auntie Rosie is gonna take her observatory.” “Not going to use the Focus RS I gave her?” “You gave your all-time favorite dream car to Auntie Rosie?” “She asked for it. But it’s not my only all-time favorite. The DeLorean.” “Yeah, that’s true.” “Hi Peter!” I call as Marc’s twin approaches. We share a hug before I introduce the boys to everybody. Their parents join us soon after, with Twilight talking to Peter and Marc talking to RD. “When you’re ready, we can go. Let’s fuel up at the 64 then we can go from there.” “Who’s leading?” “That’ll be me.” Mario says. “Can your Hilux handle the speed? It’s the slowest of the bunch.” “There’re six cars. We’ll try and manage 100.” “Kph?” “No!” “You can’t really tell here, since you display both. It does make a difference.” “Fair enough.” “I’m glad you use Kelvin though.” “You can thank Bowser for that one.” After sharing a chuckle and greeting everyone, we head for the petrol station. At the station, Peach, Mario and I head in and are greeted warmly by the Toad on duty. All the pumps with cars are activated, and the costs are absorbed by the castle, an entire convoy’s fuel on the Royal tab. Once all tanks are topped off, I point out to my friends that compared to our world’s octane rating scale, the Mushroom World’s sea level/low elevation scale is 95–97–100, and at higher altitudes, it’s 92–94–96. Mind you, both earthly and native Mushroom World vehicles are based on my world’s performance figures, meaning that the “juiced” fuels are for one major reason: keeping speed up while maintaining relatively economical mileage figures. Because higher octane grades provide better performance and increase fuel economy, even if by 1 or 2 MPG. After Peach gives me a list of planned fuel stops, I run some quick mental calculations for range and predict two extra fuel stops, mostly for bathroom and snack, but also in case of mathematical errors. Now, while the Mushroom Kingdom spans five time zones, it doesn’t take a whole day to travel it, especially in the absence of speed limits. I have managed to traverse it (albeit in a super car) in about 3 hours’ time. Nevertheless, once we’re onto the highway, our first control city on the freeway signs is Fahr Outpost. Fitting, since it’s about the halfway point. One fuel stop between Toad Town and Fahr Outpost precedes our first major checkpoint. Only the boys and Rarity take on extra fuel, thanks to Mario’s driving style, Princess Peach’s Diesel engine, and my massive petrol tank, plus my own driving style that even when driving fast can still beat official measurements by around 3 MPG. Shroom Ridge as a highway ends when we reach Fahr Outpost, marking another speed limit zone. The road continues as a country road not dissimilar to towns along rural American highways in the town center before losing its speed limits and becoming the Moonview Highway Spur Road, with control cities of Grass Land and Sky Land, our next two fuel stops. In Sky Land, we take a proper stop to stretch and give our cars a well-earned break. Starlight and Sunset, having slept like babies since Toad Town, fight for the front seat, the latter being the one defending her territory next to me. After about 20 minutes, Applejack takes over the reigns of Rarity’s car, Starlight gets the front seat, and with the next control city being our destination, we set off for the home stretch. One of the major junctions along Moonview Highway is the junction towards Mushroom City. This is the official main highway, and is home to the infamous Mushroom Gorge, in which vehicles tackle a steep and dangerous grade, overwhelmingly popular in the motorsports scene, and thus frequently closed for races. Today the road is closed, but not for a race. There’s roadwork being done. Soon, we reach Toad Harbor, and already I can tell the place is buzzing, before the roads even cross over. Allow me to put some things into perspective. The MK, in order to accommodate the large number of transient workers, tourists, and other non-MK denizens, split their capital, much like Bolivia (La Paz and Sucre) and South Africa (Pretoria, Bloemfontein, and Cape Town). Toad Town is the original capital, and is still the seat of the Monarchy. However, all commercial and official/diplomatic activities take place in Toad City, often locally referred to as the “financial district” to avoid confusion. The main highway that serves the purpose of linking Toad Town and Toad City both with each other and to the places beyond is called Toad’s Turnpike. Needless to say the busiest road in the MK and probably the MW. The worst of traffic only adds, at the absolute jam packed, 15 minutes. Any longer means there’s been a big accident. Here in Toad Harbor, which lacks any additional infrastructure to even build a Turnpike, traffic both vehicular and on foot makes Los Angeles look like a hamlet. Fittingly, since it’s the Friday afternoon before the Coronation. Everyone from every Kingdom is in town to see the crowning of a new heir to the thrones of the two most powerful kingdoms in this world. To make matters worse for us, even in the absence of any street closures, taking the scenic route and doing a city tour doesn’t add nor subtract from just crawling on the highway, especially because the old castle, where we’ll be staying, is on the other side of town. No shortcuts available. With highway exits marked at every mile, counting exits and looking at the clock, after some basic mental math, I estimate that the average speed on this highway is about the speed that ketchup leaves out of a squeeze bottle - 245.3 miles a year, 245.28 if you want to be pedantic, or roughly 0.028 mph. “Whoa.” Starlight exclaims in shock. “That’s a lot of cars.” “And we’re the biggest ones here.” I respond. “We’re literally in a sea of Kei Cars. We make them look like go karts. Most of them can’t hit more than 95 mph, even if they’re equipped with “200cc class” engines, which is a bit of a misnomer. Those things are beasts.” “That’s painful.” “Hey, perspective I guess. They’re used to lower speeds.” “True.” “How are we jam packed to the absolute brink of road capacity?” Sunset calls from the third row. “And why are there so many K-Cars? If memory serves me correctly, Koopas don’t exactly fit the bill of one.” “Good point. My guess is that MK denizens are here early because Princess Peach declared a public holiday.” “How do you know?” “She told me while we were at our long fuel stop. During your war for the front seat. As for the Koopas, they don’t, but most Koopas aren’t going to be here until tomorrow I assume, since we’d know they’re here because they’d be in vehicles as big as ours.” Eventually, we make our way out of the city center, and the traffic eventually reaches a pace of 1 mph. When the exit for the castle arrives, we join a queue for the off-ramp, reaching the castle 2 hours and 10 minutes late. The royals’ cars go into the garage, which currently houses a few of my cars. The rest are stored in a complex gifted to Rosalina by King Bowser in the Koopa Kingdom, just an hour’s drive outside of Toad Harbor, which she gave to me, since I would be the one to use it. Nevertheless, the only two cars that don’t park in the garage are the two that are foreign registered. Under Peach’s supervision, due to an ongoing castle restoration project on hold for the coronation weekend, we all pick bedrooms. Peach then answers a phone call just as I head outside for a cigarette. Now that I’m here in the Mushroom World, I guess I should explain something about Rosalina and I. When we first met, I was in the throes of another relapse. Rosalina had said she would not date me if I continued to smoke. I swore blind I would never smoke again. There’s a very good reason why she feels so strongly about it. Smoking killed her mother. Ovarian cancer more or less directly linked to at its worst a-pack-a-day habit did her in. Consequently, her father was so grief-stricken by the loss of his beloved that on the 8th anniversary of her death, he elected to join her. When Rosalina moved to Illinois, she got an ovarian cancer license plate in her honor, which she continues to bear to this day. The profound impact smoking has on one’s loved ones, and I still decide to continue the habit, because I love dragon’s breath. Don’t get me wrong, I hate smoking too, but I love dragon’s breath more. That’s why I only smoke e-cigarettes, because I hate the smell, I hate the chemicals, and I hate dealing with the waste products of a traditional burner. When I return, Peach breaks the news that the Sarasalanders will not arrive until tomorrow afternoon, so if the others want to see the city, the morning will be the best time to do so. With that, Rosalina also texts that she’s waiting for Lubba and his crew to return and expect to arrive at the same time. Author's Note Once again, Walkazo’s map of the Mushroom World for reference. I have helped with a real-world overlay here. Toad Harbor is approximated in the location of Shanghai on the map. Real-world geography is not necessarily related, as Walkazo’s map is modeled after the landmass of Eurasia. Not to scale.
Getting the Band Back TogetherNext morning, I’m up before anyone else, only because Rosalina and Lockie wake me up by arriving in the observatory. Landing in the backyard of the castle to the sight of the first signs of astronomical twilight overtaking the inky blackness of night, the two siblings greet me with hugs before a swarm of Lumas squeal in delight, “Papa! Papa!” “Are Annabelle and Junior in town?” I ask both of my in-laws. “I don’t think so. Last I checked, she was with her brothers-in-law to-be.” Rosalina responds. “Yay. Did you see the traffic in the city center?“ “I don’t think Toad Harbor was ever built to accommodate this many.” “How is the city handling it? This is their first day, and they haven’t even hit peak crowds yet. I imagine the entire city will be in gridlock for coronation day.” “Oh easily. Every restaurant in town will have hourlong waits at mealtimes. I’m surprised Mushroom City wasn’t voted to host the coronation.” “Oh yeah, I guess they could’ve handled the multitudes. Peach said Toad Harbor was chosen because of its proximity to the Sea and the Koopa border.” “Mhmm. Thank goodness this castle is still a seat for royalty.” “Yeah, otherwise you’d be rocketing in and I’d super-commute from Neo Koopa City.“ She responds with a nod before we all head inside. As the Lumas have swarmed me when we walk inside, I cautiously step in to the sight of Applejack in the foyer, emerging from her bedroom looking a might surprised. “Hi Applejack. Would you like to meet Rosalina’s star children?” I ask as a few of them pop out from behind my head. “Aww!!” She responds putting her hands on her cheeks. “Meet Applejack.” I tell the Lumas. “She’s a very good friend of mine.” Applejack chuckles as the Lumas squeal and crowd her. The sound I assume coaxes a couple of others out, including Fluttershy, who has quite the cute attack. To my amusement, she hugs each one so tightly, that the others show a very slight reluctance to being hugged. Despite this, they still oblige to her smothering. One of the Lumas then flies over to me and then sits on my shoulder. “Have they never been here before?” Lubba asks with a half-chuckle. “It’s their first time here. The one who gives smothering hugs loves animals, so seeing something as small and cute as the rest of you was… inevitable. She has smothered me before. I’m a pillow in her words.” Lubba only chuckles. “What’s all the noise?” I hear Sunset from upstairs. Before I can respond, she follows in her friends’ footsteps and has a cute attack. “Sunset, come meet the Lumas. They’re Rosalina’s star children.” “Awwww!!!” She says as she joins the little circle. The others slowly make their way out, with the three little sisters marking the last of us awake. If we leave now, we can get into Toad Harbor and find a good place to park. I pop into the garage and see if it’s worth it to take one of my “native” cars instead of either the Escalade or Rarity’s Lexus. One of the many cars I have here can be used without a problem, but I don’t think anyone else is willing to drive in the traffic. Too bad the castle isn’t in the city center. Vinyl and Octavia are arriving this afternoon, but because of their equipment, customs might be suspicious. That being said, they can still technically just warp by the foot pipes. Since there is cell phone reception in this world, we can text and call without it seeming like we’re international. “Hey you two,” I send via group text, “let me know when you’re ready. I’ll get you the warp pipe information then.” “We’re ready.” Vinyl responds a few minutes later. “Alright, here’s your address. Let me know when you get there.” “8385 Plumbers Skyway Brooklyn, NY” “Thanks.” “Cap?” Peach asks coming into the garage. “Is Pinkie Pie’s DJ on the way?” “To the pipes. Do I have to drive back to the Shroom Ridge exit?” “No! No, no. You can warp to customs and meet them there on foot.” “How about vehicular? I imagine they’ll be hauling some equipment.” “Do you remember what the vehicular tunnel sign for customs is?” “Oh! Yeah, I do. I just don’t recall ever seeing one here.” “I don’t remember where it is here though.” “Oh well. I’ll just tough out the traffic and find it.” “Best you get them now then. Bowser’s brigade are arriving tonight.” “And my friends, I hope you know, are our musical entertainment for the night.” “Yes, they told me.” “Ok good, you know. Do they have a space to practice?” “Yeah. I gave them a room.” “K cool. I’m gonna head for the customs portal.” “Okay, but Bowser and family will be here when you get back.” “Are they staying here?” “No. There’s another place for them. They’re staying in the heart of the city, being the visitors and all.” “Of course.” I say as I climb in. “Drive safe. Good luck with the traffic.” “It’ll be fine. An hour and a half to go 9 miles is tame compared to Los Angeles Friday rush.” “Bye.” Peach waves as I head for the city, not in my Escalade. No no, I’ve decided to use one of my many Mercedes 600 Grosser (Großer). The car’s very apt license plate is ‘SCHEIBE’. German car enthusiasts and Sprechers will understand. As I make my way into the city, I drop all four windows to savor the coastal MK air. Geographically, being situated here creates advantageously constant temperatures, very much a parallel to San Francisco. The average low is 280 K in winter and 290 K in the summer. The average high is 284 K in winter and 294 K in the summer. Not a whole lot of variation both across the year or even diurnally. Today’s high is not expected to exceed 280 K, which puts it below average, but is sweater weather for many nonetheless. I do not belong to that group, what with my midwestern blood and all. Even so, the outside air chilling the cabin is good for me, as I can take in the sights and sounds of the hustle and bustle of the city of Toad Harbor, hard at work, in high spirits, and operating with the infrastructure built for only about probably a third of what it is right now. After about 35 minutes navigating through city streets, seeing a couple of ostensible figures around, including who I assume are Prince Peasley of the Beanbean Kingdom and Madame Mayor Pauline of the Metro Kingdom. Of course, I hope to see others in attendance for the big coronation day, running through a mental list, almost missing my turnoff for the pipe portal. Every major city in the MK has one of these, and I assume (from what I’ve been told) that the same applies to the other kingdoms. There are three pipes in each portal, each bearing a flag of the three real world countries available for warping. Underneath them are a list of cities in each country that are available for warping: 🇺🇸 — 🇮🇹 — 🇯🇵 Brooklyn, NY — Rome — Tokyo Seattle, WA — Milan — Kyoto Not a very long list, but it is nice to know that there are multiple ports of entry. Short of the pipes, I stop the car to gather my thoughts. In fact, I have to put the car in park. Well, actually that’s because I’m answering a text. “We just got a taxi. We’ll be over there in about 10 minutes.” “Cool. How much equipment do you have?” “A few things. My table, Octavia’s cello, 2 monitors, 2 subs, and 3 speakers.” “Okay. You may have to travel with them uncomfortably.” “It should be fine.” A few minutes later, Vinyl texts, “we’re here.” “Okay. Wait for me. I’ll show you through.” “👍🏻” Immediately, I drive through the pipe and keep my eye out for the customs facility. When it rolls up, I drive through the lights, as the car is green lighted, and park in the same area as where we parked when we came through last. “Hello Cap!” The same Customs Toad as last time greets. “Heading back so soon?” “No, no. I’m picking up two friends of mine who are helping with the wedding.” “Okay! Is it their first time?” “Yes it is.” “Alright, we’ll be waiting for them.” “Be back soon.” With that, I lock the Merc, head for the foot pipes and walk through the one marked Brooklyn, NY, USA. When I emerge in New York, I’m greeted by a frigid 24° early evening. Scrambling for the door, mostly to avoid keeping them waiting, I turn the key to the vehicle gate and let them in rather than going through the office building. “Vinyl, how’s it going?” “Great! You?” “I’m excited for this wedding. And I think you’ll see why too. “Ms. Melody I presume?” I ask the lady accompanying her. “Yes indeed.” She responds with a heavy Belgravia accent. “A pleasure to meet you. Split Scimitar,” I say extending my hand. “But Max is fine.” “Mr. Scimitar. Lovely to meet you.” She responds with a shake. “Octavia will be fine as well.” “Very well. Shall we?” When the three of us walk through the pipes, I take their bags so the Toads can inspect them while they do their paperwork. In 15 minutes, they’re ready, so once they’re seated, I fire her up, check the windows are closed, and head back to Toad Harbor. When we emerge from the car portal, the city is just as hustling as before. Vinyl and Octavia take in the sights as I decide to take a few extra turns along the scenic route to the castle. Amongst the hustle and bustle of the city, it’s worth noting that emergency services have distinct siren sounds for each different department: Ambulances sound like this: Fire brigade sound like this: Police sound like this: The reason for differentiation is to force the motorist to check behind them, and counterintuitively for its own sake. Even the rulers of a sovereign state can have some semblance of a sense of humor. At the castle, Peach is waiting for us along with a slew of big, lifted, dually/DRW trucks. The Koopa have arrived. When I roll in and stop short of the garage, I put her in park and let the guests out. All of the girls come out to meet them, except Pinkie, who rushes out a few moments later brandishing a baker’s frazzle, evidenced by flour on her cheeks, flour in her hair, and enough of a blush to make her look kind of clown-y. After their mini-reunion, I return the Grosser to the garage. Then, I greet each of the Koopa royals with a handshake and hug, except for the King himself. We share a very firm handshake, followed by him patting me on the back. Because of his size, his pats don’t feel like pats, but nevertheless I appreciate the gesture. After I help introduce everyone, each of the Koopa Kids introduces themselves. Ludwig Von Koopa, a self-taught classically trained pianist, a prodigy before he could even hold a quill, is renowned for his compositions, and will debut one of his new pieces at the wedding. Iggy Koopa, better known as Iggy Hop, is an amateur inventor, having found successes with machines, specifically Rube Goldberg machines, a reflection of his slightly childish/evil genius personality. Lemmy Koopa is the prankster of the family, and has earned his place by the avenue of physical comedy. His favorite acts as a comic involve balancing acts, with a particular fondness for bouncy balls, circus style. Morton Koopa, Jr is the overseer of infrastructure of the Koopa Kingdom. I would argue that much of the car scene is thanks to him, because he oversaw almost all of the road construction used to build the modern day MW. Wendy O. Koopa is the only girl in the royal family. Though not effeminate in the strict sense of the word, she has a huge affinity for pink, and it shows in not only her life, but the people she’s influenced as well, though that’s speaking from past experience, as it’s not easy to tell now. Roy Koopa is the second in command of the Koopa armed forces. As such, his specialty is in the ground attack. While he does love using brute force, he also believes that use of such force is only for extreme circumstances. Thus, quite counterintuitively, he enjoys not doing what he does best. Quite a change from the last time I was here. Larry Koopa, better known as Larry Lights, is the Vinyl Scratch to Ludwig’s Octavia, as it were. Whereas his brother prefers the piano, Larry is all about the turntable. Though they haven’t actually collaborated, both have had quite their share of mashups and mixes. Of course, we can’t forget the man of the week, the groom-to-be. Bowser, Jr. A turtle after his own father, the best way to frame him (though he very audibly objects to being framed or labeled) is “chaotic neutral.” ‘Nuff said. With him is his fiancée Annabelle, daughter of Mario and Peach, adopted daughter of Rosalina. Raised in the extraterrestrial realms of the greater Mushroom Galaxy, other nicknames include Bellatrix and Dingdong, the latter coined by her cousin Benito, the son of Luigi and Daisy. After everyone gets to know everyone, Vinyl and Larry hit it off and start their own conversation in the garage, as do Octavia and Ludwig. Annabelle and Jr. join Rosalina and I inside. Pinkie then heads back into the kitchen, so we follow her in. The bride and groom have a taste of Pinkie’s desserts, and approve of all of them. I then leave them to sort out other foodstuffs while I head into my bedroom for a nap. Rosalina joins me however just a few moments after I get comfortable. “You tired already?” “Not really, but I feel like I need to lay down.” “Well, you did do a fair bit of driving.” “Sure, but I woke up with enough energy to at least keep up with Pinkie Pie, which is quite a Rarity.” “Good one, funny guy.” “Max?” A voice calls from outside. I sit up and wait for a second call. “Max??” “Who’s calling me?” I stick my head out the door to find Fluttershy peering around the halls. “Fluttershy?” “Oh, there you are. Annabelle wants to see you.” “Oh great, what’d I do now?” “I’m sure it’ll be okay.” “I’m sure, I was kidding.” I find Annabelle walking barefoot in the garden. “Annabelle?” “Hello Cap.” “You wanted to see me?” “Yes. I want to get to know you. You are my stepfather after all.” “Okay. What would you like to know?” “Where would you like to start?” “Hmm, I was born in Illinois, moved to California at 2 years, went to Uni in Washington, and from there I worked my way up the ranks, meeting many people along the way.” “That’s an awfully oversimplified description of your life.“ “Did your mother tell you a lot about me?” I shrug. “She said that you’re very jaded, but still have an air of childlike affection.” “Jaded, sure. I prefer the term desensitized.” “From what she’s told me, jaded is way more appropriate. You have a lot of great things to be happy about, and pardon me for saying this, you seem to choose not to be happy about it. Even so, as someone you’ve only known for about a year or two, I think you’re worth my time as a Princess-to-be. I always hoped Mama would find someone. Don’t get me wrong, Mario is a wonderful father and father figure, but to see someone who could fill that position for Mama makes me very happy.” “Well, I’m honored to be that person for both of you.” I respond as I suppress the urge to not make the last part of my sentence audible, “but not for much longer.” I then continue with, “I’m also floored that you’re actively interested in a relationship with me. I’ve only known Rosalina for such a small portion of my life compared to yours; if anything, I’ve probably taken her away from you.” “Not at all! We’ve always kept in touch. She made me excited to meet you.“ “I just hope that the time we spend together is worth it. Would hate to fall short of expectations. I’m a staunch perfectionist in that respect.” “Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m really enjoying talking to you.” “Thank you, I appreciate that.” “Mama says you’re quite the car and airplane geek.” “That’s putting it very lightly. I own two airports, and am vying for a third one. All the airplanes I’ve been acquiring are starting to become too much for what I have now.” “How big is your fleet?” “I’ve lost count, actually.” “Well, I know that many of the airplanes here came through you.” “Oh, is it because I had a place to park them while arrangements to transport them to this world were made?” “Yes.” “I’m a huge fan of jumbo jets like the Boeing 747 and Airbus A380. It broke my heart to see them doomed to a fate of scrap, so I wanted to find a way to send them here. I’m surprised your environmentalists didn’t get on the government’s case. Those jets are quite the pollutant.” “Yes, but our world’s development of biofuels is well ahead of yours. And the development of plants that turn carbon dioxide into oxygen is a reality here.” “Is that so?” “It is. The advent of this technology hasn’t gotten to the payoff period yet, but the net emissions figures have been continuously shrinking.“ “Always nice to hear.” “How about cars? I’ve seen your garage in NK (Neo Koopa) City. You’re more than a collector it seems.” “It’s quite large I will admit. I enjoy cars, but I don’t enjoy working on them as much as I should. I like driving.” “Sure.” “What do you drive?” “A diesel Range Rover.” “Oh wow. Nice. Any particular reason why? I always ask.” “My Mother (Princess Peach) had one, and I really liked it. Guess I wanted to take after her.” “That’s sweet.” “Annabelle, let’s go see the venue. It’s rehearsal time.” Jr calls. “Okay.” She calls back as she stands up. “Can I get a hug?” “Of course.” We wrap each other in arms and then to my complete surprise, she kisses me on the cheek before she leaves. “She really does like you.” Rosalina says after I watch them climb into Bowser’s truck. “Did you put me on a pedestal?” “No. She wanted to get to know you. She always did especially when we started dating.” “Is that why she was so excited about having a father figure for you with respect to being her adoptive mother?” “Yes. It was.” “I am obligated to ask, “if you raised her alone with the Lumas and any other life you encountered in the cosmos, what made her desire a father figure?” “I believe it was because Jr was the first real biological male she came in contact with. The cognitive dissonance resulting from meeting a male after living exclusively with a female parent probably piqued her curiosity.” “Well, in any case, I’m glad she’s willing to create a relationship with me, even if I am nothing more than an obligatory father figure, I use that term loosely. It’s rather heartwarming.” “When are you going to tell her though?” “About the…” “Yes. I know it’s at the forefront of your mind. I also know it’s way too early to break that news to her.” “She’ll gain a husband but lose a stepfather in the process.” I chuckle. “Do we really want to go through with this?” There is a long pause. “You know my answer.” I add. “Yes. I know you want to stay married, and you know neither of us want to go through with it, but let’s face it: you and I live 3,000 miles apart, sometimes farther. Your life and my life simply don’t work well together. Neither of us will get what we want out of this anymore.” “Okay. That’s all I need to hear. I am more than willing to put up a fight to save this, but if neither of us will get what we want anymore, then maybe this is the best course of action for us to take.” I say with a slight waver. “You do know this doesn’t change anything between us.” She responds in kind. “I don’t want to change anything.” I respond poorly hiding tears. “But if this is what you want, and no amount of effort is going to change that, even we both fought for it, then I won’t argue. All I can say is, ‘I’m sorry I wasted your time.’” With that, I let the walls breach, head for the garage, fire up ‘SCHEIBE’, and go for a drive. In spite of the traffic, I head north for the Koopa border. There are a few exits off the highway before the crossing, one of which is a petrol station. A quick fuel splash in case of bad traffic and an energy drink are my purchases before I boom across the border, the border checkpoints closed and boarded with the message: “all MK borders open for coronation”. 40 minutes inside the border, another 35 minutes would take me to Neo Koopa City, but instead, I arrive at an otherwise abandoned housing complex. This subdivision was meant to be a 14-home gated community for government officials, but after funding was redirected, the project was scrapped and the lot of whatever was completed became what it is now. Rosalina is technically the owner of the lot because of her connection to Annabelle, but she gave me the lot so I wouldn’t have to fight for garage space in the MK. Reveling at how each of the house shells (most of the interiors are incomplete) house all my cars here except for those in the MK, I take a stroll around the development, stopping at each structure to admire the smorgasbord of cars parked both in their respective garages or in the driveway. “Where are you?” A text comes in moments later from Peach. “I went to my other garage. I’m switching out a car.” “Oh. The Sarasalanders are here. They’re looking for you.” “Oh shoot. Sorry. Tell them I’ll try and be back in an hour.” “Okay. And if you’re over there, bring something fast. Laura’s not impressed with the Escalade, since that’s what she drove while we were living in your world.” “Of course not. It’s comfortably utilitarian.” With that, after I give my entire garage two once-overs, I switch to a rare find from my world, and is kept and registered here for that reason, a Jaguar F-Type Project 7, in arguably the only appropriate color, British Racing Green. Thanks to a review by a certain journalist, the car has been registered XR8DHDCR. (X-Rated Hardcore) Firing the car up and rolling it out, I give a good growl to redline after a cold start gives a slightly throatier purr than the one I know and love. After the engine is warm enough, I head back to the MK, more than happy to be driving a RHD car in RHT. When the roads cross over at the border, I feel British, as the roads are LHT. With that, I pick up speed and maintain a pace of no less than 100 mph/161 kph, the exhaust note at such high speeds quite euphoric. The fun doesn’t last very long, as about 30 miles outside the city center, I encounter a sizable crowd of cars holding a steady 62 mph/100 kph. I make good work of passing them, which prompts me to start preparing to slow down. When I pass the city limits sign, I reduce speed to 70/113 in prep for a massive traffic queue. Sure enough, with only 10 miles to the castle exit, I drop below a mile a minute for the first time since starting the engine. While the traffic yesterday made Los Angeles rush look like a hamlet by comparison, the term “sea of red” would be putting it very lightly. *Call from Daisy* “Hello?” “Hi! Why aren’t you here yet?” “I just got into the city. I’m moving below a snail’s pace.” “Why didn’t you plan for that traffic before? You knew it was gonna be bad.” “Toad Harbor was never designed for this many in town. Plus I’m sure that they’ve already begun closing off streets.” “Still.” “Fine, fine. I assume you’ve met everybody else?” “I met your DJ and cellist. My parents really hit it off with her.” “Who? Octavia?” “Yeah. I think they may want to hire her for some castle events.” “Nice.” “I’ll tell you more if you hurry up!” “I’m doing the best I can.” “That’s all I ask. Bye!” “Later!” After 15 minutes of purring through the city, going around three road closures to get to the castle, I roll in just as the Koopa Troupe depart. “We’ll see you tomorrow!” Bowser calls from his truck. “Alright, we’ll see ya!” A slew of loud diesels parades out of the castle driveway, joining the crowd below. Once I park and climb out, I’m immediately met with a fierce hug from Laura. “Hey Cap!” She says muffled in our embrace. “Nice Jag!” “Oh, thanks.” I chuckle. “Your majesties,” I say bowing to King Richard and Queen Lillian. “A pleasure to see you again, lad.” King Richard says with a nod and offering of his hand. “Likewise, sir.” I respond. “How are you doing, ma’am?” “I’m doing well, thank you.” Queen Lillian smiles back. “What exciting times we’re living in.” “Indeed.” Annabelle then finds me and asks me to join her. Leading me back into the kitchen, she directs me to Pinkie, measuring out flour, looking for a little something sweet and sour, then grabs the sea salt grinder and drops two twists’ worth into her mixing bowl. “Hi Max! Glad Annabelle found you! Can you taste test my desserts?” “Sure. Didn’t the others do that already?” “Yeah, but I want your opinion.” “As do I.” Applejack says emerging with oven mitts and pulling out a fresh batch of apple fritters. “Pinkie wanted to make some slight modifications to my recipe to make it a little more… oven friendly.” “You’ve never tried baked apple fritters?” “Big Mac tried once to impress a lady, but it didn’t turn out so good.” “Burn ‘em?” “Eyup! Only baked good we’ll do now is apple pie.” “Fair enough. It’s not like you’re Macca’s.” “Macca’s?” “McD’s. It’s Australian.” “Oh. You’ve been to Australia?” “I went with the gang sans Daisy’s parents while they were still living in our world. Mario’s kids wanted to go for spring break.” “Wow. Nice.” “I’m more than willing to take you too. I know you’re busy, but just let me know when you are. The same applies to any of you, anywhere in my (our) world.” A few minutes later, after Pinkie and Applejack stuff me with a week’s worth of dessert, I make my compliments with a burp of g-astronomical proportions, unmatched in my years prior to meeting even Rosalina. “Excuse me. My, that was my biggest burp in recent memory. My compliments to the chefs.” “Awh! Love ya Max!” Pinkie responds amongst poorly stifled laughter. “Nice one.” Applejack responds in kind. The three of us then let all our laughter out. “Was that you, Cap?” Annabelle asks just a few moments later. “Did I rattle the foundation?” I ask nodding. “No, I just heard it from the foyer.” “I hope Daisy’s parents didn’t hear that. I would just drop dead in embarrassment.” “I doubt it. They’re in the garden with mother and mama.” “Alrighty.” “Are these on the menu for the reception?” “Everything but the kitchen sink!” “Yay.” With everyone here, the multitude of us have dinner courtesy of the attendant staff, brought in from Toad Town.
It’s Coronation Day! It’s Coronation Day!Having packed two, I put one of my uniforms on just for the giggles and grins, though purely for my sake. Annabelle has been out along with the rest of the MK royals. The Sarasalanders have a space reserved for them at the castle, so they’ll be leaving before the rest of us are ready. Rosalina wakes me up and alerts me to our exclusive view of the coronation. Yes, we’re going to have a view of the coronation from the Observatory. Excitedly, I hop into the shower and try to settle down. If I get any more excited, I just might have a complex reaction. It’ll be my first time since we got married that I’ll be on it. Normally I don’t get excited about much if anything, but apparently I’m making an exception this time. When the others all gather in the foyer, I join them and wait for Rosalina. Rarity sits down next to me while I check my messages, and both Applejack and her younger sister start tittering. Sweetie Belle then takes a picture of the two of us together and starts laughing when she shows the picture to the others. “Subtlety, men vs women.” “Alright, what’s going on, Sweetie Belle?” Only laughing, she hands me her phone, and to my surprise, Rarity though looking away from camera, is rubbing my back. “What makes it so funny?” “You don’t get it do you? The fact that she’s trying so hard to seem subtle is betraying the act of subtlety itself.” “Sweetie Belle!” Rarity calls back, but she and Scootaloo can only laugh. Rolling my eyes, I grab a couple things to take onto the Observatory. Rosalina then makes sure it’s good to go, as it’ll double with Propeller Toad Transport to televise the coronation. The ceremony begins at 13:00, so we need to be in the air by 11:00. That shouldn’t be a problem, since it appears everyone’s ready. With that, our whole group heads to the garden and boards the observatory. Before we take off though, two ships come in right after another and flag us down before Rosalina has the Lumas start it up. The Odyssey lands first, with Starship Mario on the other side. Lubba and his crew come and give us hugs, and Cappy says hi by landing on top of my head and bouncing off like a frog. He does the same to Rosalina before gleefully chatting to Lubba. “Are you helping with aerial coverage?” Lubba then asks Rosalina. “Not with views, but I am helping with signal reach.” “Do your passengers want to ride with us? We’ll stay close.” “Don’t you have your representatives from the other kingdoms?” I then ask Cappy. “They have special spots reserved for them. I just dropped them off.” He responds. “Oh. Do you want to ask them?” I turn to Rosalina. “I know Twilight won’t want to leave. She’s engrossed in the library. As for the others, I’ll say we’ll be okay.” “Alright!” Lubba says. “I’ll see you up there! I’m guiding the Koopa Navy into the Harbor.” “I’ll help then!” Cappy adds. “Cool! See you in the sky!” The two ships then take off and head for the shores as I climb aboard. A Luma then dives into the engine chamber and turns into the star beacon, firing up the observatory and activating the rescue properties, in case one of us falls, and the gravity mechanics to allow us to walk on various surfaces as appropriate. Once ready, Rosalina gently maneuvers around some trees and other garden wildlife to keep the impact of the takeoff minimal. Airborne over the city, I take a look at the city and how the roads are coping with the ceremonial arrangements. A considerable majority of the crowd are already sitting in their claimed spots, making the view from above look like bottlenecks comparable to narrowing from a vein to a capillary. In fact, I could say that the clumping of crowds could appear as an imminent stroke… no no no no. Bad Max. BAD Max! That’s Mad, Max! I chuckle to myself as I intentionally derail that train of thought. Nevertheless, Rosalina establishes an orbital pattern for us. As I start pacing on the main level just to survey the crowd from our level, I breathe a sigh of fresh air just as the time for the first fanfare rolls around. The clock strikes 13:00, and Princess Peach leads the procession of all the heads of state with her husband, wearing a stunningly regal king outfit that he pulls off quite well. Behind them is King Bowser, only Jr at his side for reasons of spacing atop the building. Following them are King Richard, Queen Lillian, Princess Daisy, and Luigi. Behind them are Prince Peasley, standing monarch of the Beanbean Kingdom, and right behind him is King Fret of Jewelry Land. Rounding out the procession are the seven Koopa kids, forming a line that stands majestic as the fanfare/march travels across the city and out to the reaches beyond. “Ladies, gentlemen, Toads, Beanish, Jewelers, friends, family, one and all!” Mario addresses the crowd. “Today we celebrate the crowning of a successor to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom. Today we celebrate the successful endeavor of reuniting a family long lost to the ravages of war. Today we usher in a new era, in this new Galaxy. One of peace among all our nations. One where we put past actions and transgressions behind us. One where we no longer are blinded by what sets us apart but guided by what brings us together. Today is that day!” A chorus of cheers erupts from the crowd. “It has been an absolute pleasure to prepare for this momentous occasion, and on a day like today could not be better, other than maybe a few degrees warmer.” Mild chuckles pop up, with a few nodding in agreement. As Princess Peach continues to speak, I admire the spectacle of basically a whole world’s population dropping everything for the coronation of a future royal. Don’t get me wrong, it’s incredibly moving to know that Toads and plenty of other denizens in other kingdoms show their loyalty in such a way as this. When Peach’s speech ends, the crowd applauds as King Bowser takes the podium. “On behalf of the Koopa Kingdom, I would like to thank Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, Prince Mario, and Prince Consort Luigi, as well as all of their children Princes Peter, Marc, and Benito, and Princess Laura, and last but certainly not least, Princess Annabelle. All of you have been so kind and welcoming towards not only me, but also my own descendants. I cannot express my gratitude for the way we’ve been welcomed into your diplomatic brotherhood with open arms. After all of the atrocities committed against you in the name of selfish motivations, your conscious choice to welcome us with open arms when we had done nothing but stab you in the back speaks volumes about the power of compassion. The ripple effects of one simple act of kindness can kickstart a wave, and I hope that every single one of you in attendance today follows their lead when the opportunity presents itself. We all then turn to Fluttershy, who blushes at the thought. “Sometimes, we all need to be shown a little kindness.” She responds almost perfectly in sync with Bowser. He then wraps his speech up with, “I implore you all, regardless of your walk of life, to understand that everyone around you has a story to tell. A story of successes and struggles, ups and downs, times of trial and tribulation and times of celebration and mourning. If you want to make a difference in someone’s life, no matter where one is, always find and make room for compassion, just as Princess Annabelle did for not only me, but for my entire family.” Understandably, the reaction is less than optimal. Makes sense, since Bowser has made an entire lifetime out of terrorizing many of them. I know Toads are good people, and many do want to see the good in Koopas, but unfortunately, as it stands right now, that road is going to be a long and winding one. Peach, Mario and Annabelle then step forward. In his hands, Mario presents a scepter and an orb, both of pure gold and unsurprisingly mushroomy in shape. Annabelle then takes the orb in her left hand and the scepter in her right. She then turns to face the crowd as Princess Peach takes the microphone. “As all present today bear witness to this historical day, we formally welcome Princess… Annabelle. Maurizia. Toadstool!” Bowing down, she closes her eyes and waits so her mother can crown her. When she stands back up, streamers and confetti blast into the air right on cue (classic Pinkie Pie) and the crowd erupts into another round of whistles, cheers, and thunderous applause. Cameras flash, and Princess Annabelle poses for photos, proper professional photographers now lined up across adjacent buildings to snap pictures of the Princess with all the various rulers and of course her own family too. I notice Rosalina’s usually stoic face is poorly shielding liquid pride, so I move close to her, but she leaves the main floor, returning a few seconds later with a handkerchief. I smile at her as she smiles back at me, wiping the tear out of her eye. Once she calms back down, in time with the crowd dispersing, we return to the castle, gently touching down in the garden, with Starship Mario and the Odyssey landing shortly after. A few minutes after we all disembark, the same convoy of Koopa trucks arrives, bringing with them our VIP’s. Annabelle then gets a line of hugs from everyone, ending first with me and finally with Rosalina. The two of them then go for a walk in the garden while I head for the garage so I can smoke. Before I put the stick to my mouth however, Dash finds me, so I climb into the Jag. “Dude.” She says impressed by the car, “let’s take this thing for a spin!” “If there wasn’t so much traffic I’d be more willing, but also as it stands, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I say taking a huff. “Dude, stop that. It’s disgusting.” “If you’re all in on getting me to quit, I’m all in on finishing the last of the e-cigarettes I have.” “How long have you been smoking?” “On and off since I was 16, but I’ve spent more of my life off than on.” “Why did you pick it up in the first place?” “I fell for the dragon’s breath. It’s also the only reason I smoke e-cigarettes, aside from the fact that I don’t want to carry a lighter.” “Where did you get the idea that dragon’s breath was attractive?” “I couldn’t put my finger on it, but if I had to, I’d say I watched a lot of fantasy as a kid, and I thought fire-breathing dragons were badass.” “How did you conquer smoking before?” “I never got addicted. Only to the motion and the dragon’s breath. I was able to get out before it was too late.” “Yet you keep coming back to it.” “To be fair, my relapses usually coincide with major life events. In one case, it was because my dad had a stroke and I got fat shamed for it. The next one came right after my divorce before meeting Rosalina, and now that we’re getting a divorce, I’m back on the stick.” “Uh huh.” She responds with a grain of salt. “Except the very first time I started smoking, I’ve always picked it up out of stress. Besides, I’ve never gotten addicted. I only do this for the dragon’s breath. That’s why I only use e-cigarettes. Even so, I need to stop, but I only have a few boxes’ worth left. This might be my first divorce where I won’t smoke. Even though there’s a very small part of me that wants to continue smoking.” “Max, I know I’m not one to have long and heartfelt discussions about things like this, but as a fellow aviator, I have strict rules against smoking, and I think you should too, especially knowing you with your high blood pressure and very well-established tendency to act out in extreme ways. I don’t say this often, but I love ya. You’re an awesome dude, and even more awesome if you stopped smoking, permanently.” “You know you’re not the first to say that. Twilight was willing to throw away our friendship over it, Pinkie tolerates, Rarity seems to let it slide, Fluttershy has no problem with it, but I’ve also never smoked around her. Lastly, AJ said she would never want to hang out with me if I continued. So maybe I should continue.” Before I can even put the stick to my mouth, Rainbow slaps me upside the head. “Are you serious?” She asks with a tone betraying a sense of calmness. “You would continue smoking, cutting your life span down with each one, just because you want a reason not to hang out with us?” “No. I want to keep smoking because of the dragon’s breath.” “Why did you ever find that attractive?” “Aside from enjoying fire-breathing dragons as a kid? You also have to remember that I act out in extreme ways to intentionally turn people off, or away. Consider it my crush behavior, if you’ve ever had a crush on someone before.” “Why?” “It’s classed as self-destructive behavior. I apparently find it more acceptable to sabotage a potential relationship, usually because I’m afraid of developing a crush.” “But look at your friendship with AJ. You both took it rather gracefully. Applejack isn’t the best when it comes to dealing with romance.” “I picked up on that one quickly. But yes, she took it better than many I know. I’m genuinely surprised she didn’t just burn the bridge. It’s not like I have much to offer anyway.” Rainbow raises an eyebrow as I open the garage. “Sorry, I’m going to switch back my other car. Plus, if you and I are going to have a heart-to-heart, I’d rather do it outside the castle.” “Whoa there,” she exclaims getting out of the car, “I’m not someone you can pour your heart out to. I don’t like harboring those kinds of things. I don’t keep secrets very well.” “Okay. Appreciate your honesty. I know your disdain for classic cars, so I guess I’ll see you in a couple hours.” I respond firing up the Jag. “Later.” She steps back as I put the car in gear. Once I exit the garage, I stomp the throttle all the way through 1st and 2nd, admiring the massive outflux of traffic, now that the city is emptying. When I return to the housing complex, I replace the Jag and grab my Grosser, knowing I can keep my foot down, since most of the traffic is heading out rather than in. When I park, I grab my things and jump aboard the Observatory. Cappy and Peach just departed to the Koopa Kingdom to escort the Koopa brigade, so Rosalina and Lubba will be heading to Honeylune Ridge. Pinkie rides with Lubba, who leads the way. When we land on the moon, we’re a considerable distance from the chapel, for good reason. While the celestial body (or rather, natural satellite) is devoid of extraterrestrial life, a few Toads that run the gift shop greet us warmly. Apparently, the moon is a popular tourist destination, and choosing the wedding date for November 1 places it right in the middle of their off-peak season. Nevertheless, we’re greeted warmly, and some of our friends purchase souvenir knickknacks and tchotchkes, some of which includes sustainably sourced moon rock. And by sustainable I mean sold in extremely limited quantities. Remember that this moon requires no space suits, but the gravity is about 18% of our earth’s; slightly greater than our moon, which clocks in at 16.6% of our earth. Part of that may be due to the fact that despite having similar masses and gravity fields, this moon is inside the Roche limit of our earth and moon, which is consistent with the slight increase in gravitational pull, and why this moon though considerably smaller in mass still appears to be of a similar size when viewed from Mushroom Earth. Soon after, we look over a deep crater and find Starship Mario parked right next to the chapel. Leaving space for the Odyssey and the Koopa, we decide to explore the moon, Rosalina warning everyone not to go into any caves or caverns. RD and Scootaloo have fun with the reduced gravity and do long jumps, while Fluttershy clings to me to keep herself grounded. I tread gently for her sake but feign a leap, spluttering out nervous screams. “You felt that didn’t you?” “Shit!” She exclaims tightening her death grip. I chuckle and apologize, but she doesn’t let go. Electing to walk as normal as I can, I decide to go help Pinkie while Rosalina shows the others around. I’m familiar with the place except for the aforementioned caves and caverns, as Mario and Cappy did warn me before. When I reach the chapel, we walk in and to my surprise, the picture I would expect to show up on these walls, is missing. “Did she not get married here?” I ask rhetorically about Peach. I repeat the question when she appears behind me. “You knew that.” She responds. “Of course I did.” I say half-bluffing. “How could I forget the fact that after you rejected both Mario and Bowser for your hand in marriage, you straight up marooned them both, here?” “Annabelle, Marc, and Peter” is all she responds. Knowing that statement means “proof of who I chose,” I rest the case and wait for our final guests, Mario and Luigi’s parents. The two of them arrive on Starship Mario. “Mr. Marco Mario, Sr! How nice to see you.” I call offering my hand. “Hello Cap. Glad to see you too.” “Miss Louise, I hope you’ve been well.” “I have, thank you.” She responds delightfully. “And you?” “Not too bad. Come meet my friends. One of them has been assisting Princess Peach with coronation and wedding prep. They’re also clients of mine.” “Hey, that’s great! You have a larger client base now!” “Yeah, and most of them came from or via them. I’m in business now.” “Congratulations.” “Thank you. I hope you know I’m available.” “Of course. We’ve just been spending a lot of time here for obvious reasons.” “Yeah, you’re right.” “Max,” Sunset asks brandishing a guitar case, “Have you seen Princess Tw…Peach.” “Uh, I don’t think she’s here yet.” “Oh, well, we need a place for our instruments.” “You think Pinkie might know a place?” “Have you seen her?” “She was in the kitchen setting up last I saw her. Is she playing?” “She’s our drummer.” “Nice. Well, you can check the kitchen I guess.” “Didn’t you get married here?” “Nope. We chose not to have a wedding. Minimal fanfare, a sentiment I think Annabelle inherited.” “Or you were cheap.” “I’m not cheap, I’m selectively lavish. Rosalina isn’t one for big celebrations either.” “Still.” She shrugs as she looks for Pinkie. The other girls follow with three guitar cases. Vinyl and Octavia follow with the whole station on wheels and cello respectively. Behind them is a new figure who I haven’t met before, but is clearly help for the latter group. “Sir Max,” Octavia beckons, “meet Spike, aka…” “DJ Scales ‘N Tail!” He responds enthusiastically. “Split Scimitar!” I reply in kind, “Max is fine.” “Alrighty Max!” “I’m not a knight, Ms. Melody. The sir is not necessary.” “That’s not what Princess Toadstool said to me. You’re royalty here.” “That’s because I’m married to a Princess.” “My point exactly, and I shall address you as such, love.” “I’m barely a Prince Consort, but if that’s what you want to do, I won’t argue.” “Spikey-Wikey!” Rarity exclaims dropping her instrument on my foot. “It’s been so long!” Ignoring the brief flash of pain, I pick up her instrument and look for the others while they catch up. “I guess that’s the namesake of her email handle?” I ask chuckling to myself. “What history do they have?” Thinking nothing more, I find the girls’ instruments in one of the back corners for now, so they can do a sound check. Vinyl’s station is where all the instruments are plugged in, and following the girls’ instruments plugging in, the monitors and subs are laid out. I then clear the area to see if anyone is in the blast radius of the speakers before Vinyl and Sunset run the mixer, everyone else tuning and adjusting their instruments and their voices. Ludwig then pulls a felt cover off the chapel organ and acquaints himself. Looks like it’s his first time on an organ in at least a little while. When the girls wrap up their own sound check, they give the okay to Ludwig, who does a gentle warmup to expel dust from the pipes. Eventually, he continues with some classical pieces from our world: some Bach fugues and odes from his namesake. O[de to] Joy[ful joyful]. Most of his warmups are pieces that make Octavia perk up. Brandishing both an acoustic and electric cello, she strums on her wooden one and follows Ludwig’s lead, much to the combined shock and joy of the organist, who takes his own creative approach, turn this little practice into quite a heated “conversation” (for those familiar with the analogy). Not a single ear is listening to anything else, as the entire party have honed in on the unfolding symphony before them. When they finish, both performers are breathing heavily, to much applause from the rest of the audience. Of course, Larry and Vinyl, not to be outdone, attempt a duel rebuttal, so I tread cautiously and see what unfolds before me. Before the jockeys can set off however, King Dad (Wendy’s nickname for Bowser) walks in unamused. “Let’s not Raise This Roof, please. This is a wedding chapel. Cap, come with me. The rest of you, PLEASE keep it down! I can hear you from outside!” The others then stand there awkwardly as I follow the Koopa King, the tension poorly hiding a look of a childish “OOHHH! You got in trouble!” “Yes, your excellency?” “Can I trust you with this?” He asks handing me a remote. “What’s this for?” “The bells. As soon as we announce them as newlyweds.” With that, Bowser tells me to make sure I sit towards the back of the chapel, in case the signal doesn’t reach. Time for our first practice run. Sitting in the farthest row back and closest to the aisle, I take a good long look at the procession so I can get an idea as to who’s marching when. That way when I understand the sequence, I can determine when’s a good time to make my way from the front rows to the back. Peach, Daisy, and Luigi are marching, as are the Koopa siblings. With them is Annabelle’s Maid of Honor, Toadette, one of the castle servants, and the one who was very instrumental in forming a middle ground when the truth about her life was revealed. Also in the procession is Annabelle’s cousin Benito, son of Luigi and Daisy from a previous cycle of the universe. The relation between Annabelle & Benito and Peter, Marc, & Laura is kind of confusing. Technically, they are biological siblings and first cousins respectively, but at the same time, they’re also not entirely full siblings. Similarly, they’re not either half or step-siblings. Calling them half-siblings would be biologically incorrect, and step-siblings would be slightly more accurate, since they were “technically” (used very loosely), that is to say different incarnations of the same marriage. I’m not one to label; they’re all siblings and cousins, and they’re all very close with each other. Peter, Marc and Laura are not part of the procession, as there would simply be too many at the altar, so they’re relegated to audience with me. Not that they have a problem with it. They can sit with their grandparents. After about five run-throughs, I head outside for a few huffs, to see what kind of effects being in reduced gravity has on my lung capacity. No changes, which is both disappointing and half-expected. Nevertheless, I run the stick dry, having lost track of “a few” huffs and time. When I return, everyone is ready to head back. The chapel is ours for the week, so no one is meant to be here otherwise. With that, we all pile into our ships, and setting a rendezvous of 7:00 am Toad Harbor time, we all depart the moon in formation, breaking up just as we begin atmospheric reentry.
A Honeylune WeddingThis is the day, this is the day! Ready and dressed in my full pilot uniform, all covered by a very large trench coat, I conceal my hat, instead opting for a beret for the outerwear’s sake. I’ll switch once we get to the moon. Only Applejack and Rosalina are awake before me, the latter prepping the observatory and making company with the former. “Mornin’ sugar cube!” AJ greets. “You look awful handsome.” She finishes dryly. “You know me with my work duds.” I say as I pull the pilot hat out and set both it and the beret on one of the chairs. “It’s more than a symbol. It’s who I am.” “I like it.” “This isn’t the first time you’ve seen me wear it, you know.” “Still looks good on you!” “Thank you.” When the others come aboard, everyone laughs, except for Pinkie, who grabs my beret and puts on a glasses-mustache disguise, laughing in French. Now we all start laughing. “Whose is this?” “Mine.” I respond. “You brought two hats?” “When you’re wearing a trench coat like this one, it works.” “And you said you didn’t have any sense of fashion, darling!” Rarity beams almost proudly. “Any word on the others?” I ask Rosalina. “Mario and Peach are traveling with the bride in the Odyssey. We’ll meet them there. I want to make sure Lubba is ready.” “How about the Koopa?” “No word. I imagine we’ll meet them on the way.” “Maybe meeting time means Bowser in the Sky.” “Maybe. We’ll maintain low orbit until we know they’re airborne.” “Do you have Bowser’s contact information?” “I don’t think he has any, since his staff do all that for him.” “Alrighty.” Once everyone is here and aboard, Rosalina fires up the observatory and lifts off, catching the contrails and very faint train whistle from the Odyssey, which likely means that they just reached escape velocity. At a height of about 3,000 m, Rosalina stops the climb to look for Koopa ships. sure enough, a fleet of airships slowly appears over the horizon. The front ship then fires three blank shots from a mounted cannon, to which Rosalina waves her wand and engulfs the observatory in a rocket-shaped forcefield, punching forward to instantaneously reach escape velocity. When Rosalina relaxes the acceleration, I stand at the bridge looking more like the captain than Rosalina, to which Rarity comes in and asks to take a picture of us looking like a crew attempting to navigate the cosmos. Soon, we come in to land on the moon. The Odyssey is already parked by the gift shop, so we park next to it. Noting the Koopa fleet a few klicks behind us, I make sure Fluttershy is okay on her feet, but today, she welcomes the reduced gravity, giving me a hug of thanks as she waits for Rosalina to secure the Observatory. All dressed in our formalwear and a timer set until we start, we make our way to the chapel. The Koopa fleet park closer to the chapel, since their airships are lower impact, meaning much less noisy and displace much less air. They park by where we walk, and with a smile and a buzz of excitement, each member greets me with a handshake. When I greet Lord Bowser himself, he proudly shows his fleet off. “Thought it’d be appropriate to showcase an evolution of the Koopa fleet.” “I approve.” I say almost immediately. “Of course you do. I know your affinity for things that fly.” “Is it that obvious?” We both chuckle. “How exciting is this? Are the kingdoms going to merge?” “We won’t have a final decision for a while, but at the least, our armed forces will operate jointly.” “That’s good to hear.” “It’s finally time I put my past actions exactly there and move forward with my efforts directed at a greater good.” “Your excellency, if it means anything, this wedding and coronation have spoken volumes about where your heart is. I know not everybody shares my view, but know that I am moved at your display of such a change of heart, and know that you’re doing this for the posterior.” “Of course. Thank you, even though I’ve heard that speech many times already.” “I understand, but I want you to know that your efforts are recognized and appreciated, if you don’t hear that enough.” He only nods as we follow Jr in. Just then, Princess Peach comes out. “Hello, are you here to make sure we don’t see the bride?” I ask with an air of formal professionalism. “Yes, and to show you to the groom suite.” Mario adds. “T-minus 2 1/2 hours!” Sunset calls as she puts on her headset. “How’re you feeling, your highness?” “Not an unhealthy amount, thank you.” The Koopa King replies. “Cap?” Louise asks me, “do you have the remote for the bells?” “I do. We’ll test them at T-minus 1 hour.” “Let’s do one at T-minus 2.” Sunset adds. “Two single chimes since it’ll be the top of the hour. Same at one.” “Even better.” “Thank you for taking the technical reigns, Miss…” “Sunset. Sunset Shimmer.” “Sunset Shimmer. It’s a very pretty name.” He smiles. “Thank you, your majesty.” She half-blushes. “Is everyone else ready?” I ask. “Daisy, Luigi and Benito are changing right now. Peter, Marc, and Laura are prepping the chapel, and of course, Pinkie Pie is getting her desserts on.” “Cool. I guess that gives us plenty of time then.” “I’m going to see Jr. One last father-son talk.” “Okay.” “I’ll show you to his room.” Peach says. “Alright.” He grumbles, mostly out of nervousness. Peach takes her former captor to her soon-to-be son-in-law’s room while the rest of us head to the wedding hall itself. The girls are doing another sound check running through some of their songs top to bottom. Allowing myself to be surprised by their set, I head outside for another cigarette. Knowing that I’m the only one not inside the chapel, I take my sweet time going through this stick, since I’m currently checking my feeds on social media, completely immune to the fact that I have cell service not only in the Mushroom World, but on their moon! My loneliness is shattered by Cappy floating in. “Hi Cap!” “Sounds a little weird to call me by a name so similar to yours.” “Hahaha.” “Just call me Max. It’ll be easier for me if we both respond to Cap.” “Okay!” A handful of puffs later, Cappy leaves. Setting a timer for about 25 minutes, I time check and activate the wedding bells via remote. Nothing. Another press of the button yields the same result. Next logical step: cycle the batteries. No cigar. After a few tries aiming at the bells direct line of sight, I can only assume that because the remote illuminates when I press the button, that something must be wrong on the receiver end. “Cap!” Mario calls from the entry doors. “Why aren’t the bells ringing?” I answer him when I get closer. “I don’t know. I can’t get it to work. The remote works, so I can only assume something in the belfry is broken.” “Oh great.” “Can you access the belfry?” “Yes.” When we propel ourselves into the belfry, after coughing up some moon dust and getting over the smell that is ever-present in structures of its type, we reach the bell tower. When we locate the receiver for the electronic ringer, I trace the wiring to see where it’s plugged in. That leads me to a breaker box with breakers conveniently not labeled. “Okay, well, nothing’s labeled, so I have to flip breakers and hazard a guess as to which one controls the mechanism.” “But we don’t know what else could be on that circuit.” “Exactly. I guess there’s only one choice we have.” “What?” 🎶“This day is going to be perfect. That kind of day of which they’ve dreamed since they were small. But while they all have their cake, With all their friends to celebrate, The wedding bells: they may not Ring for them at all.”🎶 “What are you talking about? NO ONE IS WALKING OUT OF THIS!” Bowser bellows angrily from below. “Oh, no no no, of course not! I mean that the mechanism to ring the bells is broken.” “This is an absolute disaster.” “Not to worry, your highness. Can we not ring them by hand?” “We can, but it’s not going to be an easy task.” “I can be a quasi-modo.” “Ok then. I guess you’ll have to stay in the belfry.” “I’m okay with that. I just might sign the belfry to commemorate the occasion.” With ten minutes until we go live, Sunset makes sure everything is good. Rosalina is then alerted to the bell situation, who relays it to Sunset. “You up for it, Max?” “If I throw out my back doing it, I’ll be honored,” is all I say. “Should I head up there now?” “Sure. You can ring us in when we go live.” She says handing me a earpiece. “Mic check, one two.” “Loud and clear.” With that, I climb back up into the belfry and have Rosalina shut the entry door so no one sees it. “T-Minus Five Minutes.” Sunset calls. “Alright, let’s check for slack in the rope.” After I give a heave to make sure that the bell will ring, I wait for the next time cue. “This is… the 2-Minute Warning! Bells ring on my mark. Go live on two!” I don’t have a mic, so I can’t reply. Nevertheless, I wait fervently for my cue. “Bells in 5, 4, 3, 2…” With the force of my body weight and gravity on my side, I take a leap to a lower level and wait for the first few chimes to ring loudly. One more pull at top dead center for good measure is met with, “Live in 3, 2, 1…” As I keep the bells chiming, I wait for my next cue. “Doors open, bells out. Cue the organ.” I then arrest the inertia with the rope, sustaining a slight burn before the bell body stops and one light clang emanates. “Doors open.” Ludwig then begins his original composition that he promised. Sad I get to miss it. “Doors close, finish out the prelude. Octavia and Vinyl, ready with bridal piece.” When the doors close, I adjust my position and return to the top of the belfry to increase my potential energy for when the bells ring. After the echoes of his beautiful performance precede a few seconds of silence, he opens “Here Comes the Bride.” “Doors open, the bride is on the way.” “She’s getting married and I’m getting divorced. The universe is in balance.” I chuckle to myself. “Would you stop making this about you? Would you stop making everything about you?” My inner voice says to me. I only chuckle. “The more you say shit like that to me, you know I’ll have a breakdown.” “I guess you’ll have to settle. Just like you did in your life.” “Yeah, because I lost seniority bids for all of my dream positions to colleagues who stabbed me in the back.” “That’s all you, dude. You built up the hope for it. You were the wishful thinker. You were the one who put those dreams and aspirations on such a huge pedestal. You were the one who made your life’s mission to only see those dreams and aspirations as the only thing worthwhile in your life. I did nothing. That was all you.” “You’re right. Having goals made me sad. Having goals set me up for failure. Having goals got my hopes up so high that I never would’ve expected the fall to hurt so much.” “It’s not my fault that you’re so all-or-nothing. You said you were done after you didn’t get what you wanted.” “Look, I’ll address this later. I’ll get back to you, I promise, but now’s really not the time. Can we please talk about this later?” “Fine. Your heart attack.” “For god’s sake.” I say out loud. Knowing I need a sharp ear for my final cue, I listen fervently through my earpiece as Mario begins speaking. “To all who join us for this extra special day, welcome!” “We are honored that you are joining us from wherever you are this day,” Bowser continues. “They say love is patient and kind,” “More like flagrant and blind.” My inner voice quips. I stifle laughter at my own joke as Bowser ends with, “the union of Bowser Koopa, Jr,” Mario picks up, “and Princess Annabelle Maurizia Toadstool.” The two of them then both say, “is an example to us all.” “No matter the lineage or the circumstances that prevailed in the course of their relationship,” Mario begins again. “Their love for one another persevered. When tragedy and adversity became the defining factor on the surface, the resolve and grit of both bride and groom outlasted the many trials and tribulations that faced them.” Bowser follows. “And to this day,” Mario takes over, “that same spirit, one of honesty with one another, optimism in the face of adversity, generosity in their service to their subjects, loyalty to one another and to those they love, and love for not only one another, but once again, to everyone they know and meet.” “One built first and foremost on love and understanding.” Bowser continues. “The story that these two wonderful people present here today serves as an inspiration to all of us here in attendance, and ought to serve as an example for everyone.” The King then pauses. “The history these two families have shared in the past is one rife with divisiveness, disloyalty, deceit, greed, lies, and hatred. While we acknowledge that that is how the past was written,” Mario then picks up where he leaves off, “let today serve as another reminder and a point of clarification for the future. We acknowledge that the past is and is in the past, and that while we may not forget what happened, that we may take such events and learn from them, so that we can move forward without the crippling fear of offense but also not repeating the past, lest we forget why we acknowledge the past in the first place.” “As these two should join together in matrimony in the presence of all who join us, let us never forget the past and move forward to the future. One guided by what guides the bride and groom, and one that most importantly, continuously strives to improve upon its past for the sake of ourselves, our posterity, and our future.” Bowser finishes, ending the homily. Mario then calls upon Rosalina to present the rings. When Rosalina presents Jr with his ring for Annabelle, he says, “Annabelle, when we first met, I didn’t know if you would like me because I was so different from you. I would have never imagined that my life would turn out the way it did. Now, as we stand here today, ready to spend the rest of our lives together, I can’t say enough how much I love you. Your love for those around you is clear. The duels we shared on our sand planet for many years were just a small sampling of what I have to look forward to now that we’ll spend it together. With this ring, I thee wed.” Rosalina then presents the ring for Jr to Annabelle. “Junior, when we first met, I always knew that despite your rough and tough exterior, that deep down there was a pure heart. One who didn’t let the views of those around him sway his beliefs. You always stood for what you held near and dear to you. That is an admirable quality that anyone would be incredibly lucky to have. You could always hold your own in our duels, and even when you taught me how to duel properly, you never stopped to let me learn on my own. Today, you show me that I can do the same today, as the future stands before us; you and I will continue to grow with each other, side by side, defending what we hold near and dear to us, together. With this ring, I thee wed.” “Bowser Koopa, Jr.” Mario begins majestically, “do you take Princess Annabelle to be thy lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better for worse, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, always and forever, ‘till death do you part?” “I do.” “Princess Annabelle,” Bowser continues in kind, “do you take Bowser Koopa, Jr. to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, through thick and through thin, in sickness and in health, forever and always, ‘till death do you part?” “I do.” “Those who have witnessed the commitment to each other in the bonds of matrimonial wedlock are also here to witness the unity of the armed forces of the Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Kingdom.” Mario begins. “Across the seas, up in the air, and on the ground. In celebration of the creation of our joint armed forces and the unification of our bride and groom, I am pleased to pronounce you husband and wife!” “You may kiss the bride!” Mario exclaims. The two of them then lock lips and share their first kiss as husband and wife. “Ladies, gentlemen, Toad, Koopa, Beanish, Jewelers, friends, family, one, and all, I am pleased to announce Prince Bowser Koopa Jr. and Princess Annabelle Maurizia Toadstool!” “Bells on, they’re hitched!” Sunset calls. “Bells on, they’re hitched!” “This one’s for you, Notre Dame!” I exclaim to myself, and with a death grip on the rope, I jump from the belfry and ring the bells once again. When the bells stop ringing, I exit the belfry once I know everyone’s outside. I remove my earpiece and ask Sunset where to return it. She takes it and runs back in before I receive the newlywed soon-to-be ex adoptive daughter-in-law. “Congratulations Annabelle.” I whisper to her. “Thank you dad!” She whispers back. “I’m honored you’d call me that.” I half-whisper. “Congratulations Jr!” I say offering the groom a hug. “Thanks man.” He responds gripping me tightly. “I hope you find everything you’ve been looking for.” I say with an air of mystery. I then head back to the observatory so I can return my iPad to my bag. Taking my sweet time to get to the ship, I have another cigarette to deplete my stash. Gently strolling over the surface of the moon, I foolishly have a second stick, as when I reach the observatory, who but Fluttershy should catch up to me. “Hi Max. What are you doing?” “Just returning my iPad. I needed it to get an idea of cues for ringing the bells.” “Oh. Okay. Why are you still smoking? You know it’s very bad for you.” “I know. These are e-cigarettes. All the dragon’s breath without any of the harsh chemicals and additives that cause the cancers.” “That’s still no excuse to keep doing it.” “I know. I have a few boxes’ worth of them that I need to finish, so once those go, then that’ll be it.” “I hate seeing you smoke. If you enjoy it though, I don’t want you to think I’m being mean.” “Of course not. The only people that seem to be okay with it are you and Sunset.” “It’s not my place to tell you what or what not to do, but just know that I care for you. Smoking is one of the worst things you can do to yourself.” “I know. That’s why I e-smoke.” She ends up walking with me to the ship, maintaining a very slight grip on my arm in the lower gravity. When we return to the chapel, all the chairs are now arranged with tables and the only thing in the hall is Vinyl’s turntables along with a stage and all the girls’ instruments. Fluttershy then grabs her tambourine and starts to shake it around, probably as a warmup. I claim a table and look for the water. Pinkie and the Toads then roll out the drinks and hors d’oeuvres. I grab a cup and have a drink. Rosalina sits down next to me as I sigh in relief. “I know this is the worst place to talk about this,” I hesitantly begin, “but now that all the paperwork is done, all we have to do is appear in court. When should we schedule that?” “Let’s wait until the end of summer. Less happening.” “Agreed. I hope this doesn’t change anything between us.” “It doesn’t. I will always love you, but marriage wasn’t the answer for us.” “Those views sound about as corrupt as me.” “I know, but I guess I understand why now.” “Why what?” “Two of the best of friends decide to start dating and it blossom into something beautiful. That’s kind of what happened with us.” I smile as she adds, “and then, it didn’t.” “That’s where I have to ask what went wrong.” I say as my face drops. “From my view,” she responds almost immediately, “nothing. Do you remember when we first got intimate, we said that we were perfect as really close platonic friends?” “Yeah?” “Well, turns out that’s exactly where we needed to stay after all.” “Then that’s exactly where it went wrong. It was my idea to start dating, it was my idea to consider marriage, and I’m the one who said “we should just get married.” “But I was the one who proposed.” “Still, I can’t help but feel this whole mess is my fault.” “But it isn’t a mess, and it isn’t your fault. The only one who feels bad about this is you.” “And I think I have a right.” “Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. My point is, I don’t feel bad about this divorce, and neither should you.” “In that case, can I have this dance?” I ask as one of our favorite songs comes on. “Let’s get this party started!!” Author's Note
