At Sugarcube Corner, the party was dying down and Rainbow Dash sat at a table in the corner. With a mug of cider in front of her and the crowd elsewhere, she felt calm. She took a sip, savoring the flavor as she did her best not to dwell on what had already happened that night. The knot in her chest tensed and twisted, and she took a slow breath. In and out.
After a few moments, she finally looked up, first to the doorway: Pinkie stood there, saying goodbyes to some ponies Dash didn't recognize. She felt like she had been introduced to one, a mare with an electric blue mane and a cutie mark of sparks, but she couldn't remember her name. The most she could recall was Aqua-something.
Pinkie probably knew them by heart.
Dash looked to another table, where Twilight sat talking with Rarity. It was too far away to hear, but must have been about her latest trip to Canterlot. Rarity was certainly attentive enough for that to be the topic. She nodded along, not even touching the cup of tea in front of her. She always glances away when I'm talking.
Dash shook her head slightly, as if it would rattle the thought out of focus. Instead, she started thinking about how silly that would look to somepony watching. The knot felt like it was snaking its way into her throat. She took a sip of cider to dislodge it. It helped a little.
Dash found Fluttershy in the crowd with Discord, though it was more appropriate to say he was with her. He'd not taken a single step away from her all night. Even when he offered to get drinks for Dash and Fluttershy, his arms had simply floated away as he continued the conversation.
Dash remembered her reaction: jumping in place and scr—cr—gasping in surprise. There were a few laughs from ponies who noticed it. They're probably still laughing about it. No, no they aren't. It wasn't a big deal.
Dash let her head hang as she stared into the mug of cider. It was half-empty. She probably should get some more, but there were still ponies she didn't know around.
Just as she was about to scan the crowd for somepony else, she heard Applejack's voice.
"Hey there, sugarcube. Hangin' in there?"
Dash tilted her head just enough to see Applejack take a seat at the table across from her, then lifted her head the rest of the way, straightening up and fixing a smile on her face. Not really. "Yeah," she said, and then coughed to clear the lump reforming in her throat. "Crazy party, huh? I mean, it is one of Pinkie's."
Applejack laughed, setting her own mug down. "Yeah. I swear, that mare's got more parties planned than there're apples in an orchard. Sun'll probably stop risin' before she doesn't have one to throw." She took off her hat for a moment, just long enough to smooth out her golden locks. "You've been kind of stickin' to yourself tonight though."
Horseapples. That knot began to tighten again. Twisting. Turning. Dash took a slow breath in through her nostrils, and then slurped at her cider to disguise the exhale as a satisfied sigh. Flipping her mane with her free hoof, she chuckled. "Eh, just been stressed lately. About Wonderbolts practice and stuff."
“I’m all ears if you wanna go yapping about it. Swear I won’t tell a soul.” Applejack gave a smile, a genuine one to all appearances. Dash cursed herself that she doubted it for even a moment.
Just get it off your chest. Say it and hear what you want to hear back. It's better than asking it to yourself in bed afterwards. Overreactions had been brewing in her brain all night, and Dash knew she'd have to talk herself out of them later. It might take until after midnight. What was one more? The fact that she'd already lied, though, meant she couldn't say it now.
“Just… missed a practice or two. Afraid I’m falling behind in the routine.” The knot tightened in her stomach as falsehoods poured out of her mouth. She took another small drink, which turned into chugging the rest of her mug, and then into licking droplets from the rim as the silence lingered.
Applejack got up from her seat, moved to Dash's side and put a hoof around her withers. Her smile softened, but it wasn't any less genuine. "If that's the case, I'm sure Twilight can give you some time off from teaching. We all know how important the Wonderbolts are to ya."
Rainbow Dash gave a sheepish smile in return, setting the empty mug down. "I know, AJ. I just worry about letting you all down too. You're all just as important as the Wonderbolts, you know?" The knot in her chest slipped, loosened by a fraction as some truth slipped out.
Dash looked away from Applejack for a few moments. Pinkie had finished saying farewell to some other pony Dash didn't remember, and was now bouncing over to Starlight and Spike. The trio moved towards Twilight and Rarity's table. There wasn't anyone left except for her close friends.
When she looked back at Applejack, the farmpony was offering her a hug. Dash made no effort to rebuke it, sinking into it and wrapping a wing around her in return. "We're your friends, Dash. We know you'll never let us down, no matter what."
They finally pulled away from each other when Pinkie called them over. Dash lingered behind. You can do it tonight. Just find a spot in the conversation. They're your friends. Ask them. Get it off your chest for Celestia's sake.
Dash refilled her cider on the trot over.
An hour later, Dash hadn't said anything. She'd joined in the conversation as topics shifted, nursed her drink, laughed, smiled. She did what was appropriate. Appropriate. Yeah, everypony is having fun. Wouldn't want to sour the mood.
Like a boa about her heart, the knot in her chest remained tight. At least it wasn't squeezing tighter. At least she could breathe without sobbing. At least she didn't need to excuse herself for some bogus excuse to psych herself up. At least she wasn't ruining the night.
Eventually, they started to leave. Spike and Twilight went to leave first, after he had nodded off three times in as many minutes. Starlight left with them, and Dash did her best not to let her mind wander. She failed. They were probably chatting about when she'd tried to bring up the newest Daring Do book earlier.
"She knows not everyone is crazy about those books, right?"
"She means well, Spike. She just can't really read the room."
"I don't know how you stand her, Twilight. She's always trying to talk about herself. Can she even stand to listen for once?"
Then Rarity made her exit, talking about some big sale starting early in the morning at the boutique. Dash waved goodbye. She wondered, like always, what Rarity really thought about her, but was too polite to say to anypony. Then again, she did like to gossip.
"Honestly, that pegasus is just such a bore to listen to. Always 'me this' and 'Wonderbolts that.' She could be a warm front with how much hot air she boasts."
Fluttershy and Discord took off not too long after her. Dash just kept daydreaming about their walk home, Discord regaling Fluttershy about the reaction he'd gotten out of Dash. Fluttershy would be too polite to laugh though, wouldn't she?
"Oh, the look on her face was priceless! The best laugh all night. That's the only reason you girls would keep around such a bore of a 'friend,' right?"
"Oh, Discord, it's just a kindness. There's no way Dash would have other ponies to be friends with otherwise."
Every wandering thought, exaggeration, daydream and outright lie echoing in Dash's head made the knot tighten, twist, strangle, constrict, bind and gag her. She didn't realize she'd closed her eyelids to fight back what was bubbling up behind them until she heard Pinkie's voice, quiet and sweet.
"Dashie? Are you okay?"
Rainbow Dash bolted upright with a gasp, sending the mug of cider in her hoof flying over her shoulder. She sat there frozen, looking at Applejack and Pinkie across from her, as the cup sailed through the air. There was the sound of cider spilling, and then the thunk of the mug hitting the floor, bouncing and then rolling a bit further.
"Yeah!" Dash shouted, rubbing her face with a hoof when she felt the wetness. "Just uhh… thought of…" Her throat began to tighten, and she coughed to try and clear it, but nothing seemed to work.
Applejack was quickly on her hooves and at Dash's side, putting one leg over the back of her neck. "Didn't go down the wrong pipe, did it?"
Dash forced the coughs out for a few seconds more, holding a hoof in front of her face. Just say it. Just say it. Just say it. "No. No, it's fine. I'm fine," Dash finally spat out, pushing Applejack's hoof away. With only a glance, she could tell neither of her friends seemed convinced.
"This still about the Wonderbolts stuff?" Applejack asked, taking an empty seat next to Dash.
No, it never was. "No, it's… nothing important." Dash flexed her wings, an instinct to bolt rising up inside of her. The room, the party, her friends all felt so suffocating.
Pinkie had risen from her seat to trot around to Dash's other side. "Do you wanna talk about it, Rainbow Dash?"
Her window to escape closing, Dash lifted off from her seat, only to land an inch behind it. At least she wasn't flanked as she faced them. "Nah, it's cool. I should get going. Early start means… more practice."
Before either of them could say anything, she was out the door. She could imagine what they weren't saying—hurtful words she somehow wanted to hear. She got home as fast as she could. The knot tightened, curled and bound itself together. There was no way out but to let it pass.
She slept horribly.
The next morning, Dash awoke at dawn. It was instinct, but she stayed in bed. It felt warm, alone, safe. Her head was still filled with delusions about last night, but she didn't think about them. She just thought of them.
They're stupid. You know they're stupid. Stop thinking them. That's not how things are.
"I know," she muttered under her breath before turning over.
It was a few hours later, thanks to her stomach, that she got up and ate something. After that, it was easy to at least leave the house, though she quickly found herself perched on a cloud rather than doing anything.
She buried her head in the fluff, eyes closed tight. I need to talk to somepony about them, right? Like, you say them out loud and they're dumb. Won't everypony else think they're dumb?
There was some muffled noise from below, but she couldn't make it out. It was probably some passing ponies talking to each other.
Then they'll just call yo—No they won't! See, that's just dumb, it doesn't make sense. You just… have to stop thinking those things and—
Her train of thought ended as soon as she felt the rope latch onto her haunches. There was only a moment after that before she was tugged down, cloud and all. She let out a yelp as she dislodged her head from the cloud and flapped her wings randomly. The disorientation that followed abated when she righted herself, and came face to face with Applejack.
"There ya are," she said, her expression flat. Dash saw that the other end of the lasso was clamped under Applejack's hoof, and the rest of it was wrapped snugly just above her wings. She wondered, for a moment, if she could manage to buck Applejack's grip, but quickly thought better of it.
"Morning, AJ… sup?" Dash half-smiled, but she felt her cheeks flush with heat.
"I'm about to find out once you tell me," Applejack said, before leaning down to tie the end of the lasso a bit more securely to her hoof. "I ain't lettin' you off 'til I get a straight and honest answer."
"I told you, it was nothing im—"
"Nothing don't make you spend most of a party with friends away from them, and then nearly break down into tears before you go boltin' from them faster than a thundercrack!"
Dash flexed her ears, ringing from the sudden interjection, and flattened her wings into her sides. The cloud dropped the few inches it was hovering above the ground, leaving Dash to look up in order to meet Applejack's eyes.
"I… it's stupid," Dash grumbled, looking away. The ground wasn't more interesting, but it felt easier to talk to. The knot in her chest, that hadn't budged an inch all night, started to clench again. She'd try to pull the right way, but it wasn't helping.
Applejack sighed, her voice softening a touch. "Dash, if it's a problem, just talk about it. If it's buggin' you this much then it ain't stupid or silly or dumb or nothing."
Dash had asked the question to herself, in her head and aloud, but never to somepony else. Tied to the toughest mare in Ponyville with no—with a slim chance of breaking free didn't leave her with many options.
She kept her eyes on the ground. It helped.
"Does everypony… hate me?"
There was a moment of silence. "What?"
"Does everypony hate me?" She felt her voice quaver, but the knot held. It didn't tighten, for once.
"Do you… Dash, do you mean me? The girls?" Applejack's voice began to raise, nearly to a shout, but it lowered after a pause. "All of Ponyville? Dash, no one—I've never heard anypony… We're your friends, sugarcube."
Dash felt a hoof on her chin, and didn't fight as her head was lifted up. She could see Applejack's cheek in the corner of her eyes, and then turned to catch her face in full. Her mouth was fixed in a frown, and her eyes were half-lidded. She looked so… hurt.
"I… I know you are, but—" she took a breath as a lump started to form in her throat, and then swallowed it "—I feel like such a burden sometimes. Like… nopony is enjoying themselves when I'm around or… or you'd just enjoy it more without me and…" She let her eyes drift to the side, towards a nearby tree, an instinct to avoid Applejack's gaze.
"Dash, we wouldn't be your friends if we didn't want you around. I mean that." Applejack smiled, and Dash caught a glint on her cheeks. "Is… is this what you were worried about last night?"
Dash felt her throat drying up. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She simply nodded.
Applejack let go of Dash's chin and then undid the lasso around her haunches. She then took a seat next to Dash, and put a hoof around her withers. "Sit down."
Dash took a moment, and then kicked the cloud underneath her. As it faded to puffs and then vapor, she hovered in place and then sat next to Applejack. Neither of them spoke for a moment, and Dash looked out at Ponyville ahead of them
"Do you think that we don't like you… all the time?" Applejack finally asked.
Dash moved a hoof in front of her, tracing lines in the dirt. "Not always."
"Is it something we do? Something we say?"
Dash shook her head, looking askance at Applejack. "No, it's… I just think it sometimes. I worry about it." She could feel the knot clenching her chest as she tugged at it, attempting to unravel it. As she continued to draw lines in the dirt, her other forehoof rose to her chest.
"I get anxious before flying, before tricks and stuff, I mean. I'll be standing on a cloud or a cliff or just the ground and, like, this weight on my chest or this knot in my stomach will build up. I'll worry about messing up a little or not being cool enough or just failing. It's just all this anticipation.
"Then, I'll throw caution to the wind, do it, and it's gone. Even when I mess up it's not as bad as I thought. Even when I fail, I learn something. When it goes off without a hitch there's a roaring crowd or my friends or just me and… it feels good." Dash smiled, and the knot started to slide, inches of coils around her heart losing their grip. It only gave the rest a tighter hold.
Her hoof stopped moving in the dirt, and she finally turned her head to face Applejack. It just didn't seem right to tell this to some lines in the ground. That would have just been saying it to herself again, for the hundredth time. Applejack was silent, but watching her intently.
"I…" Dash started, before the dryness in her mouth and throat started to return, the loosened bits of knot snaking their way up her throat.
Applejack began to move her hoof slowly up and down Dash's back, making small circles. "It's okay. I want to hear it, Dash. I want you to be honest with me." With a swallow, the constricting serpent was pushed back into her chest.
She took a ragged breath, and exhaled. "I... sometimes feel that when talking to ponies. I worry I'll make a fool of myself or annoy someone or come off… wrong. That knot and pressure builds up, but it never goes away. There's no end. It just tightens and twists and… and it's like I'm still standing in the clouds, or on a cliff, looking at the ground. There's no release."
The pressure had shifted from in her chest to on it, the hoof above her heart pressing down, trying to dig its way into her flesh. Another inch of the knot had slipped, its sharp, clenching pain fading to a throb, dull and neutral. The rest poured out, through a dam finally broken.
"I'll spend the whole time worrying about something I said. I'll lay in bed thinking about what ponies are saying about me. And it's not even what they think! You girls wouldn't… you wouldn't talk about how good it is I'm finally gone when I leave a party or—" Dash felt her throat tightening, her lips quivering, and she took a shaky breath, "—or say how pathetic I am. How you keep me around to laugh at me..."
She felt Applejack's hoof on her back, still rubbing gently in a circle. The knot in her chest continued to give way, one thread after another slipping out of the bulk. "And I know they're all so stupid! I know it's wrong, but I still keep thinking them and, and it's like I can't fix it!" Her vision grew blurry, and she leaned on Applejack, burying her head in the notch between her barrel and foreleg. She sniveled and whimpered, and the knot continued to unravel.
It took a minute before Applejack spoke. "I'm glad you told me, Dash, it must've took a lot to say it. None of us want you to think that, to feel that. We certainly wouldn't want you to hide it neither."
Part of Dash wanted to pull away, to speak up and apologize for being a bother. It was soundly defeated before it came to be.
"I'm sure everypony feels that way a little, sometimes. I uhh… I've thought once or twice that all my talk about apples and the farm grates on y'all. Maybe if I spoke up about it you wouldn't think you had to keep your feelings under wraps." Applejack's hoof stopped rubbing on Dash's back, instead wrapping around her to hold her closer.
"If you ever feel that way again, please tell us. If it's ever too much, we'd want to be there for you, Dash."
They sat there for a while longer, quietly. Dash's whimpers were muffled by Applejack's fur, but they echoed in her head. There wasn't any doubt left for her friend's sincerity. The last of the knot fell away, and she took a steady, deep breath.
She knew it would come back, but at least she could let it out.
