Rarity and the Cough of Booty
“Hey, sis! Look at that!” Sweetie Belle shouted, pointing at yet another sparkling dress. “Can I try it out?!”
Ordinarily, Rarity would have glanced at the steep price tag and said no, but this day was anything but ordinary.
“Of course... Take your... Time,” Rarity said.
With a grin, Sweetie Belle grabbed the gown and disappeared into the dressing room. It meant a minute of peace and quiet, a minute to look around at the busy mall, a minute to pray that her problem would not get any worse.
“Ugh, that’s the last time I ate burritos before shopping,” Rarity mumbled, clutching her stomach. But no matter how hard she pushed, she could feel her plumbing expanding like a balloon ready to explode.
“Rarity, honey, you’re not gonna buy yourself anything?” Cookie Crumbles said, cocking her head. “I would have thought you would want to do some Christmas shopping with your mother and sister.”
And she was right. Three ladies, no guys, and shopping mall all to themselves. The plan was perfect. Until the burritos she ate a few hours before, decided to start a Mexican revolution. Now, instead of thinking of a lovely new dress, Rarity was thinking about how not to turn the mall into a gas chamber of doom. Going to the toilet was not an option either, not during the Christmas season, where it was always full. No way a lady like her would break wind with people around.
“... what do you think?”
“Huh?” Rarity raised her dazed head to see her sister and mother calling to her.
“I said, what do you think?” Cookie Crumbles repeated, pointing at the Sweetie Belle’s dress. “A bit expensive, but we could split the cost fifty-fifty. And she looks kind of nice.”
Rarity’s eyes shot wide, and her lips curled. This wasn’t the dress Sweetie pointed at earlier. This was something else, a tight spandex dress, highlighting all of Sweetie’s assets, with a mini skirt and thigh-high black boots. A lovely dress indeed... for a prostitute.
“Mother! I think you—” She wanted to protest, to give them the piece of her mind, but her body decided to answer for her, with a series of loud gurgles and painful cramps. “— I think you should g-go get the c-car.”
“So, you do like it!” Sweetie Belle grinned and turned to their mother. “Can I have it, mom?! Can I? Pleaaase!”
“Well, if Rarity approves it, then I guess so. She’s the fashion expert, after all.”
“Thank you, sis!”
Rarity would have protested, but at the moment, her mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of her cozy toilet, with a comfy, heated, soft acrylic-polyester cover, and expensive velvet toilet paper, hanging from the wall. An embodiment of perfection and grace... that suddenly turned into a torture chamber from a snuff movie, squeezing her insides tighter and tighter... Only then she realized it wasn’t a dream, but something much, much worse.
“S-sweetie Belle...” Rarity whimpered, with tears in her azure eyes. She tried to push her sister away, and escape the tight embrace, but with her limited power, it was that or holding in the death breath. She chose the latter.
“Oh, look at that,” Cookie Crumbles said, smiling. “Rarity’s so moved by your dress that she’s crying.”
“Thank you, Rarity! You’re the best sister ever—” Then Sweetie Belle heard it. A gurgle coming from Rarity’s stomach was like a roar of a lion drowning inside a sewage pipe. “Uh-oh. Is that what I think it is?”
“... yes...”
“And you need to—”
“YES!”
Sweetie Belle let go of Rarity, and her face turned serious. “Mom, we need to go, NOW!”
“B-but, why?”
“Rarity needs to... vent,” Cookie cocked her head in confusion. “You know... Mexican jet propulsion?”
“Oh... Oh! Burritos?” Rarity confirmed with a sharp nod. “Just do it in the dressing room—”
“Mother!”
“What? Don’t be such a prude! That’s what I always do when this happens.”
Rarity didn’t know. Rarity didn’t WANT to know! Not that it was a surprise, either. When it came to manners, her mother was sadly closer to an uneducated redneck than a civilized person. Rarity, herself, would have never acted in such an un-ladylike manner, even if it killed her! ... which was a real possibility at that very moment.
“N-no, mother. We need to get back home,” another mixture of gurgle and splashing filled the air, this time loud enough for Cookie to hear. “P-please...”
“All right, honey! Come on, let’s pay up and will be home in ten—” Cookie’s eyes went to the kilometer-long lines to the registers, and her eyebrow arched. “—hours?”
“Great, just in time for me to pick my coffin.”
“Well, look at the bright side. If you kick the bucket here, at least you’ll take half of the store with you.”
“Mother...”
“All right, all right... Hmm, leave this to your old lady, honey. Follow me!”
Rarity just nodded gently. She was exhausted. She wanted to get out and go home. She didn’t think, nor did she care what her mother was up to. Until she saw where they were going.
“Oh, no! No, no, no!” Her mother was dragging her towards the priority checkout. “Mother, I’m not gonna pretend I’m pregnant... again!”
“Hush! It worked the last time. Besides,” Cookie smirked. “you almost have the belly for it now.”
Rarity glanced down and bit her lip. Her usually perfect tummy was indeed sticking out like an inflated balloon. But before she could whine about it, her mother waved at her to come to the front of the line. Still biting her lip and blushing, she pushed forward, even as the eyes of other customers screamed to crucify her.
She passed her shopping to the cashier, and black thought spread all over her mind. What would be next? Broken cash register? Credit card reader malfunction? Space aliens from outer space, picking up that very moment to attack the mall? She was prepared for anything. Except...
“Thank you, ma’am. Please visit us again!” Rarity’s curled lips and wide eyes were a dead giveaway that the cashier’s voice barely penetrated her tensed up mind. “Is there something wrong?”
“Um, no. Everything is great!” If you ignore, heartburn, cramps, nausea and the urge to drop the bomb, that is! “Goodbye, and thank you.”
“See? That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” Cookie said with a gloating smile.
“Ugh, that’s the last time, mother.”
“Of course, the next time that happens, I hope you won’t be pretending.”
“M-mother!” Rarity flushed and frowned at her grinning, winking mom. “All right, both of you go get the car, I’ll wait near the entrance.”
A second later, Sweetie Belle and Cookie Crumbles left the mall, and Rarity sat on the nearby bench. It was almost over, soon she would be home, and could take care of the... business like a lady. That was her plan. But then the gurgles returned, stronger than ever, with cramps that made her feel she was not only pregnant but giving birth. She clenched her stomach, but it was no use. The wild burritos wanted to get out, and she was about to answer their call, whether she liked it or not.
“Oh, no…”
The white SUV with tinted windows appeared in front of the mall then. Like a knight on the legendary white horse that came to rescue the lady from her peril. She jumped off the bench and ran towards it as if a mob of zombies was after her. She opened the door, jumped inside and closed her eyes. And then it happened.
The stinking bomb went off like a thunder from the under, and once it started, there was no turning back. The hot wind kept going and going, like an explosion from a human hydrogen bomb, filling the car to the very roof and fogging the windows. When Rarity finally emptied her tank, the air was filled not only with the methane but also dead silence.
Rarity opened her eyes, blushing sheepishly. “I-I’m sorry, guys, but I just couldn’t keep it all... in?”
Rarity blinked. Something was not right. The car was there, and she was there, but Sweetie Belle was not. In fact, her mother was not there either. Instead, an unfamiliar young guy was looking at her in silence from the driver’s seat, with an expression best described as ‘what just happened...?’
They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, until Rarity noticed another white SUV in the corner of her eye. A sheepish smile, jump out, run, and jump in later, Rarity was in the right car, screaming and pushing her mother’s leg down.
“GO, MOTHER, GO!”
They left, tires squealing, as the guy behind was still trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
***
Back home, Cookie Crumbles almost choked on her tea when Rarity told her what had happened. “My, my! That’s what I call, rebuilding the ozone layer! I bet you left the lasting impression!”
“I hope he won’t recognize me...”
“Cheer up, Rarity. That’s the busiest mall in the city. What are the chances that you run into him again? One in a million?
“I hope you’re right, mother. Still, the humiliation...”
Cookie glanced at her shaking daughter, and an idea struck her mind. “Tell you what, I’m gonna make you some of my valerian tea. It should calm your nerves.”
Rarity nodded, and a moment after her mother left the room, let out a deep sigh. The odds of running into that guy were next to nothing. And besides, he was so shocked, he would probably not remember her anyway. Thinking about it put a gentle smile back on her face.
“Rarity, can you open the door?” Cookie shouted from the kitchen, hearing the bell ring.
Rarity stood up and went to the entrance, and her mood improved as soon as the door opened. A handsome teenage boy, her age, stood behind them. His smooth, shaved oval face and perfectly combed hair went ideally with his brown eyes. His nose was trimmed, and just the right size. His elegant clothes were the icing on the cake. He was simply divine.
“Yes?” Rarity smiled, her eyes sparkling.
“Um, hi, the name’s Jason. I’m looking for, um... Rarity?”
“Well, you found her,” her flirty eyes glanced into his. “What can I do for you?”
Jason began searching for something in his shopping bag. By merely admiring his gracious moves, Rarity could tell he was perfect. He was her prince, and she wanted to be his fairytale princess. He even brought her, her purse! ... wait, what?
With a blush, he dangled her small white handbag in front of her eyes. She shook her head in confusion. “Um, you left that in my car, when you... You know.”
Just like that, the illusion shattered, leaving Rarity frozen and gaping. Her smile evaporated, twisting her face into a blushing mess of bewilderment and shock. The words escaped her too, leaving her mind as empty as her bowels after the ‘gas backblast,’ from an hour ago.
“Rarity, what’s going on... Oh, good day,” Cookie crumbles said. “Who are you, young man?”
“He is... He is... He is...” Rarity tried, but her mind was stuck in a loop of misery.
“Name’s Jason, ma’am. I came here to give Rarity her purse back,” Cookie cocked her head. “She, um left it in my car an hour ago...”
Something clicked inside Cookie’s brain, her eye widened, and smile filled her face. “Oh, my! One in a million, and yet here you are! Must be faith!”
“... or the ID in my purse...” Rarity whispered and grabbed her handbag.
“Bah, details, honey!” Cookie rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry about the little... accident. Too many burritos, and wrong car, obviously.”
Rarity wanted to scream ‘mother!’ but only a whimper escaped her burning face, and her eyes hit the ground. She prayed for a meteorite to come crashing down where she stood and end her misery.
“Oh, that explains it,” Jason said with a chuckle. “Well, I need to be going.”
“Before you go, can I interest you in some tea? And maybe some...” Cookie’s lips curled into a wicked smile. “air refresher?”
Rarity passed out.
Author's Note
Based on a true story that happened to the wife of my co-worker years ago. Yep, you heard that right, this thing actually happened 
