The Ultimate Evilby Strawberry SunriseChaptersA Visitor in PonyvilleForce of DestructionA History LessonBattle for Bikini Bottom…I Mean, PonyvilleEpilogueImpossible Contortions of InsanityCelestia's ChoiceA Visitor in Ponyville“Who or what is that?” Rainbow Dash thought to herself. There was a visitor in Ponyville, and they looked quite unlike anything anypony had ever seen. Tall and slightly green with two tentacle-like arms and four tentacle-like legs, a bulbous head with a drooping, bulbous nose, and a shirt but no pants, they meandered through the streets, seemingly aimless. Several ponies had already closed up their shops and headed back home, locking their doors and securing their windows…just to be safe. But Rainbow Dash was braver than that, and with Pinkie Pie out delivering a cake to the Crystal Empire, she felt that it was her duty to welcome the visitor, whoever they were, to Ponyville. Flying down from the cloud on which she had been perched, Rainbow Dash approached the strange being. It looked up at her and stopped in its tracks, seeming to await her next move. Not sensing much of a threat but still hesitant to get too close, Rainbow Dash paused her flight, hovering at what she believed would be a safe distance. The being continued to stare, but Rainbow Dash took it in stride, exclaiming, “Welcome to Ponyville! I’m Rainbow Dash! What’s your name?” The being opened its mouth as if to speak, then closed it. With a slight smile, it slowly moved one of its tentacle-like arms to point at a nametag on its chest. Rainbow Dash squinted, just barely able to read the words on the tag, which was rather dirty and beat-up. “Squidward…Tentacles?” The being nodded, lowering its arm. “So, uh…not to make assumptions, but is that a guy name or…?” The being nodded again. “Cool,” Rainbow Dash said. “Well, hey, I can show you around if you want.” A long pause. “Uh…” Rainbow Dash started to say, unsure how to proceed. She was sure Pinkie would have been able to get the visitor talking in no time. Heck, she probably would have pulled them along on a tour whether they liked it or not. But that wasn’t Dash’s style. To the side of the street, a teal pony who had locked herself in her house upon the arrival of the visitor cautiously opened her door, poking out her head and waving with one hoof. “Hi, Squidward,” she said tentatively. Without warning, Squidward’s entire body suddenly jerked to the side, a quick series of halting motions ending with him facing this other pony. His head tilted, his mouth curled into a slow smile, and the pony ducked back inside her house, slamming the door behind her. As the door slammed, Squidward’s smile disappeared and his eyes flashed red. “Hey, it’s alright. They’ve just got to get to know you, is all,” Rainbow Dash told him. “Everypony is nice here, really!” Squidward opened his mouth. He raised his arms at an angle, near his head and pointed toward the left. And in a nasal voice that seemed to come not from within him but from within the depths of the planet itself, sending echoing ripples through the very fabric of reality, he said just one word. DAB. Force of DestructionA wave of energy spread from Squidward’s arms, pointed directly at the house of that skittish pony, and before Rainbow Dash even had time to register what was happening, the blast had disintegrated the entire building. Not even the pony herself remained. Squidward’s mouth slowly rose back into a smile, his eyes went back to normal, and he turned toward Rainbow Dash…or where she had been. Nopony was there. Squidward’s smile fell and his eyes turned red. A quarter-mile away, Rainbow Dash was fleeing as fast as she could…or, at least, as fast as she could without creating a sonic rainboom. She didn’t want to leave a trail that could be followed. Within a couple minutes, she was crashing through the window of Twilight’s castle’s library. Twilight was nowhere to be seen. “Twilight! Twilight!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “We need to evacuate everypony, now!” “What’s wrong, Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked, walking around a pile of books and still half-concentrated on the book she was levitating in front of her. She didn’t seem to have recognized the urgency in Rainbow Dash’s voice. “There’s this…thing. It’s called ‘Squidward Tentacles’ and it’s…it’s…you’ve just got to see for yourself!” Rainbow Dash flew over and pushed Twilight from behind, finally causing her to lose her concentration and drop the book. A moment later she’d been scooted all the way to the window. Squidward was only a small speck in the distance, but the destruction he was causing was much greater. As Twilight watched in shock, he took step after step forward, turning side to side and obliterating building after building with each and every DAB. Whatever restraint, whatever mercy he had shown when he had first arrived, appeared to have worn thin. Ponies scattered in all directions in his wake. Whether by coincidence or through some strange homing sense leading him to Rainbow Dash even without a rainboom to follow, he was coming toward the castle. After the initial shock had worn off and the more logical part of Twilight’s brain kicked in, she realized something. “I…I know this,” she said. “I’ve seen this before.” “You what?” Rainbow Dash asked. They backed away from the window and Twilight began frantically searching through her shelves, pulling out book after book and then setting them aside. Her mind completely occupied, she ignored the question. After a minute or two, Rainbow Dash returned to the window, figuring she wouldn’t be much help if she didn’t even know what they were looking for. Squidward was still pretty far away, but definitely closer than before. The swathe of destruction he was causing grew ever larger, but there were now few ponies to be seen. Either they had escaped or they had been caught in Squidward’s path and hadn’t made it. Or they were in one of the buildings that was still standing… Scratch her initial exclamation; it was already much too late for a full evacuation. But maybe she could save at least a few ponies if she headed back out and – “Found it!” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash turned around and saw her holding up the journal that she used to communicate with Sunset Shimmer. “Uh…Squidward is almost here. Is now really the time to…” Rainbow Dash started, but Twilight wasn’t paying attention. She was muttering to herself. “Not sure why I put it there. Usually it’s right on that table, but it’s been missing ever since…this…mor…” Suddenly she thrust the journal at Rainbow Dash. “Here!” Twilight said. “Read page 47, but don’t tell me what it says,” “What?” Rainbow Dash said, utterly confused. “Just…tell me if it’s something helpful or not,” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash scanned the page and her eyes widened. “Um…maybe?” “Good enough,” Twilight said, and disappeared in a burst of magic. A History LessonA few moments later, Twilight reappeared in a second burst, seeming much less composed than before. “Maybe? Just maybe? What if everything isn’t fine? What if we can’t stop this at all?” She was nearly hyperventilating. “Deep breaths,” Rainbow Dash said, and Twilight complied. Dash checked Squidward’s progress out of the corner of her eye. He was just a few streets away. As Twilight’s breaths slowed back toward normal, she quickly explained herself. “This morning, I got a visit from myself from the future. She woke me up, told me everything was fine, and then went to the library. It was 3 in the morning! I thought it was a dream!” “But it wasn’t?” Rainbow Dash asked, beginning to understand. “No! I went back in time just now. I woke myself up, told myself everything was fine, and then went to the library. I took the journal, wrote a message to Sunset, and then put it away where I just found it. There would have been no time for her to respond with Squidward so close, so I had to make time,” Twilight said. “Why didn’t you check the journal yourself?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Getting new information by using a time loop can be problematic,” Twilight said. “Time tries to avoid a paradox in the simplest way possible. If I knew what was on the page, it was plausible that I’d have ended up just writing it down myself while in the past rather than asking Sunset, and if I did that, the information would have had no source. It might have been useless! Or the page might have just been blank. Asking you the way I did worked both to confirm that I did in fact wake myself up this morning and to ensure that I’d have to ask Sunset for the information.” She had fully calmed down by now. Even in a dire situation like the one they were in now, explaining magical theory still did the trick. A moment passed. “Alright, let me see it,” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash hoofed the journal to her. Paraphrasing what Sunset had written, she muttered, “Dabbing…pastime for kids…memes…haters…originated in Equestria…” She turned the page. Rainbow Dash leaned in, having not seen that page yet. In large letters above the rest of the message was written, “DAB = BAD,” and the equation was circled with red ink. To make a long story short, Sunset’s letter explained across both pages that dabbing was a relatively recent phenomenon in the human world, having become a meme just weeks before the last time Twilight had visited. During Twilight’s last visit, the two of them had witnessed someone dabbing, and Sunset had confided in her that she recognized it from a vague memory of a history lesson she had attended as Celestia’s student. She had promised to do more research and get back to Twilight once it was done. After multiple trips back to Equestria to visit the Canterlot archives, she had still not figured out how it had made its way to the human world, but she had confirmed that it originated in Equestria…albeit in a much different form. A thousand years earlier, there had been a sorcerer known only by the name of Jake who wanted to overthrow the Princesses and take control of Equestria. He researched tirelessly in pursuit of the ultimate evil and after several long years, he found it. It was shockingly simple. Evil was bad. Reversing words so the letters went toward the left was sinister. And thus “dab” – “bad” in reverse – was the most evil and sinister word of all. Combined with a particular ancient salute to the Sun, it sapped power from Celestia and rerouted it for destructive purposes. Even one use was often enough to corrupt its user, rendering them a complete and utter psychopath. In the human world, Principal Celestia had no magic to sap and thus there was no danger. Dabbing could be done free of destruction and free of corruption. But in Equestria… DAB. Squidward had arrived. Battle for Bikini Bottom…I Mean, PonyvilleHis eyes still red, Squidward looked directly up at the window of the library and began to smile. Rainbow Dash had looked away from Sunset’s letter upon hearing that last DAB. and had looked out the window just in time to see the nearest building disintegrate. Now she stood, silently staring back at Squidward. Their eyes locked. Out of the corner of her mouth, Rainbow Dash asked, “So what are we supposed to do? Did Sunset say anything about that? How did Celestia stop Jake before?” “She didn’t. Nightmare Moon did,” Twilight said, having finished the letter. “Or, well…Luna did. She dabbed back, she destroyed Jake…and she became Nightmare Moon.” DAB. Squidward destroyed the far wing of the castle. “Spike!” Twilight cried. His bedroom was on that end of the building. “I’m okay!” Spike said from behind them. Nopony had seen him enter, but he had been there for a minute or so. “Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt. But I saw what was happening and I thought I’d find you here.” “Spike!” Twilight rushed over and gave him a hug. “Uh…not to break up the touching reunion, but we’ve still got a problem,” Rainbow Dash said. “So we know dabbing back should work, but we can’t do that or else we’ll get corrupted, right?” “Most likely,” Twilight said. “Couldn’t you just hold his arms down with magic or something?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Just stop him from dabbing in the first place?” "Normal spells won’t work,” Twilight said. “We'd have to physically hold his arms down, but that would be only a temporary fix and getting close enough to do it could be dangerous. Once someone has dabbed, they’re immune to all but the most powerful magic. You can’t even teleport too close to them. Things like Celestia’s banishment spell or the Elements of Harmony would be the only long-term solution, but we don’t have the Elements anymore.” “Can you cast Celestia’s spell?” Rainbow Dash asked. “No, I’m not strong enough,” Twilight said. “Well, then, let's send a letter to Celestia!” Spike said. “Do it,” Twilight told Spike. “Tell her we need her here now.” Taking a quill and a piece of paper from a nearby table, Spike began writing furiously. DAB. More of the castle was destroyed, this portion including the throne room with the cutie map. Spike sent the letter. A few long moments passed. “She’s not going to get here in time. We have to do something else,” Rainbow Dash said. “Maybe we should teleport away? Then we’d have more time to think,” Spike said. He didn’t entirely understand what was going on, not having read Sunset’s letter, but he understood enough. “No, he’ll just destroy the rest of Ponyville,” Twilight said. “There’s already been too much destruction. We have to stop him now. Wait, what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash was opening the window. “I’m going out there. He seems to be fixated on me, I guess because I was the one who welcomed him here. Maybe I can talk him down. And if I can’t…well, I love you guys. Tell Fluttershy I’m sorry I borrowed her toothbrush.” "Wait!" Twilight shouted, but Rainbow Dash had already left. DAB. Another portion of the castle was destroyed, an entire wall of the library disintegrated in an instant. One more time and the entire castle would be gone. “Mister, uh…Squidward,” Rainbow Dash said, approaching him as closely as she dared. “Sorry that Ponyville was afraid of you. I’m sure you’re really a nice guy and all and…” After all the damage he had caused, all the lives he had probably destroyed, she just couldn’t make that last part sound sincere. Not that it probably would have mattered anyway. Squidward’s eyes stayed red and he slowly raised his arms again. It was too late. “Look out below!” a voice called from above. In the blink of an eye, Squidward was engulfed in a huge cake and frosting flew in all directions. “Pinkie Pie?!” Rainbow Dash called. She waved from her hot air balloon. “You’re back!” “Yep! I got halfway to the Crystal Empire and then my nose started twitching and my front right hoof started tapping and I just knew that somepony here needed this cake more than they did. Sorry, Flurry Heart!” Pinkie Pie said rhetorically. Flurry Heart was nowhere to be seen. DAB. Pinkie Pie’s balloon was obliterated, leaving only the basket intact. Even from his current position lying on the ground and covered in cake, Squidward had been able to dab. Rainbow Dash quickly flew up and caught Pinkie Pie, lowering her safely to the ground. Twilight teleported down to the action. “I had Spike send letters to Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy,” she said. “They should be here any minute. We’re just going to have to distract Squidward until Celestia gets here.” Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie nodded, and the fight began in earnest. Rainbow Dash flew in circles around Squidward, Pinkie Pie rushed quickly around, popping out of hiding place after hiding place and waving her arms around like a crazy pony, and Twilight teleported all around, flinging pieces of debris at Squidward with her levitation magic. She couldn’t teleport too close and she couldn’t use levitation magic on him directly, but she could still do that. DAB. DAB. DAB. Over and over again, Squidward dabbed, and the three ponies just barely kept out of the way of his blasts. Twilight knocked him down several times, but he just kept getting back up, and he just kept dabbing. Suddenly there was a roar in the distance. Squidward turned toward the sound. And out of the Everfree Forest came Fluttershy, leading an angry Ursa Major directly at the tentacled monstrosity. She ran off to the side and the Ursa continued to charge. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight scattered as it approached, but Squidward stood his ground. Raising his arms, he simply said DAB. The Ursa was disintegrated instantly. “Noooooo!” Fluttershy screamed, and tried to fly at Squidward, but Twilight held her back. Squidward lowered his arms again and surveyed his surroundings, locking eyes with each of the ponies surrounding him in turn. “Now!” came Applejack’s voice, and a large piece of fabric was thrown over Squidward’s head, Rarity having brought it all the way from her boutique. Applejack threw a lasso over Squidward and pulled it tight, pinning his arms, knocking him off his feet, and trapping him within a fabric cocoon. A few seconds passed, Squidward lying unmoving on the ground, his legs sticking out from under the fabric. “Is…is it over? Did we beat him?” Pinkie Pie asked. Twilight carefully paced around the spot where Squidward lay. “I…I think we did,” she said. "It seems to be holding for now. Great work, girls!” EpilogueTHREE MONTHS LATER Things were slowly getting back to normal in Ponyville. The buildings which Squidward had destroyed were being rebuilt, and a census of the town had shown that only five ponies were missing in the end. For much of the town, it was lucky that DJ-P0N-3 had been having a free concert on the other side of Ponyville at the time. Some of the rest had been evacuated with the help of Sunset Shimmer, who had arrived in Ponyville just before Squidward’s first dab – Twilight’s hornwriting had been unusually messy in her last message and she had decided to come back and check if everything was alright. (The mirror to the human world was currently at the Ponyville schoolhouse on the edge of town in order to facilitate an easy exchange program between the worlds, so she had seen the first dab from a distance.) A memorial statue and plaque had been built to remember the five ponies who had perished in Squidward’s wake. Sunset Shimmer, Twilight, and Spike were working overtime to try to find a way to end the threat of the dab forever, but in the meantime, only one pony was dabbing: Celestia. She had been dabbing for three months straight. Twilight had realized that since the dab pulled power from Celestia, that meant that if Celestia did it herself, she would be pulling on her own power – thus holding it close and effectively shielding it from being taken by anypony else. (Since the dab worked in this reverse way for her, the energy was not channeled into destruction and thus she at least seemingly could not be corrupted.) The instant Celestia had dabbed three months ago, both Squidward's and Luna’s dabs had ceased to have effect. Squidward, for his part, had been taken to Tartarus and was under close watch. He tirelessly kept on dabbing over and over again, his eyes still red, but nothing ever happened. His voice was now that of a mere mortal, still a nasal tone but with no power behind it. Unable to get him to say anything other than “DAB,” attempts to discover where he had come from or where he had learned to dab were fruitless. Luna had continued to flicker back and forth between herself and Nightmare Moon for several minutes after ceasing her own dab before settling on her normal form. Good had prevailed. She was now helping the others to research possible solutions for the dabbing problem whenever she had a break from her royal duties. Thus far, no permanent solution had been found. The idea of taking Celestia to the human world in the meantime so that her power could not be sapped was briefly considered, but quickly abandoned since somepony would still need her power to raise the Sun in her absence, thus defeating the purpose. (Not to mention that if she kept her power and went to the human world, the ubiquity of dabbing there would increase the danger exponentially if things still worked the way they did in Equestria.) Twilight had asked Discord for help, sure that he could do something, only to have him claim that he couldn’t. She suspected that he might just think Celestia dabbing forever would be funny, but had no way to prove it. A plan was currently being researched which would involve a team of mirror pool clones of Celestia each dabbing in shifts, but it had not yet been confirmed to work. For now, Celestia was stuck. Up on her hind legs, her forelegs raised and her mouth pursed in frustration, she continued to dab. THREE MONTHS LATER And dab. “We’re still trying!” Twilight assured her. “I know we’ll figure something out!” THREE YEARS LATER And dab. “I’m sorry, sister,” Luna said, a tear running down her cheek. THREE CENTURIES LATER And DAB. The End Impossible Contortions of InsanityTwilight's examination complete, the group cautiously approached the fallen being. “What should we do now?” Fluttershy asked. The six of them stood in a circle around Squidward. “We’ll have to wait until Celestia gets here,” Twilight said. “Even if he’s incapacitated now, we can’t keep him that way forever. Without the Elements of Harmony, we have no choice but to banish him to the Moon.” Rainbow Dash poked him sadly. “I really did just want to give him a proper welcome to Ponyville,” she said. Pinkie Pie wrapped her front legs around Rainbow Dash in a hug. Suddenly, Squidward’s legs started twitching. All six ponies jumped backward. And then, as they watched in horror, the legs began to curl upward in an unnatural way that should have been impossible, one that should have broken and twisted any internal structure which his body might have had. “He’s trying to dab!” Rainbow Dash shouted. The six of them pounced on his legs, each grabbing two (a total of three of them on each leg) and straining to try to hold them back. It was a valiant effort, but it was no use. With a primordial energy that defied all logic, he continued to twist his legs up toward his cocooned head and into the dabbing position. A shadow fell over the group. Beads of sweat running down her forehead, Rainbow Dash looked up and saw Celestia. “She’s here!” Dash shouted. Without a word, Celestia began charging her magic, preparing the banishment spell. It would take a bit longer than normal since Squidward’s dabs had been sapping her magic. “Just…a bit…longer,” Celestia said through gritted teeth. With renewed effort, the Mane Six pulled as hard as they could on Squidward’s legs, not stopping them from bending but keeping their progress as glacial as possible. “When I say, ‘Now!’ I need you to get out of the way as quickly as you can,” Celestia said, and the Mane Six nodded. A few moments. “NOW!” DAB. Celestia's ChoiceAs the Mane Six jumped away, Celestia’s spell and the energy of Squidward’s dab collided in midair, each competing to consume the other. Celestia continued to cast the spell, putting as much effort as she could into it, but this only weakened her faster, the expenditure stacking with the sapping effects of Squidward’s dab. And then she came to a realization. Her own death would be the only thing that could put an end to this forever. Even if she could banish Squidward, there would always be the possibility that somepony else might learn to dab, that somepony else might simply take his place. Only with her death would there be no magic left to sap, rendering the dab as powerless as Sunset had told her it was in the human world. She closed her eyes and stopped casting the spell. “No!” Twilight shouted from the ground. Suddenly, something crashed into Celestia, knocking her out of the way of the dab just in time. DAB. Her head spinning, Celestia opened her eyes. It took a few moments for her to refocus and reorient herself in the air. Luna had taken her place and was now dabbing back at Squidward, flickering back and forth between her normal form and that of Nightmare Moon. Each dab’s energy collided with the other in a way very similar to that which had occurred between Squidward’s dab and Celestia’s spell. Her magic now being sapped by two sources, Celestia felt a bit lightheaded and lowered herself to the ground. “I won’t…let you…WIN!” Luna said, the last word shouted in her Royal Canterlot voice. It wasn’t clear whether she was referring to Squidward or to Nightmare Moon. “Luna, you don’t have to do this!” Celestia shouted. “I won’t let you die!” Luna shouted back. “Even if I have to go back to the Moon for another thousand years, even if the dab will still be a threat, I know you can figure something out. We can figure something out. We’ll do it together!” “Even if you’re on the Moon?” Pinkie Pie said, confused, but nopony responded. Together. Celestia and Luna…together. Celestia and Luna…dabbing…together. Celestia dabbing. An idea sprang into Twilight’s mind. “Celestia, you have to dab!” Twilight shouted. Squidward’s dab was beginning to overtake Luna’s, seeming to draw extra power because it was done with four arms…or legs...rather than two. “What?!” everypony else (other than Squidward) said together. “Just do it!” Twilight shouted. Celestia opened her mouth as if to protest, or to ask why, but then closed it. She nodded. She raised herself onto her hind legs. And she dabbed.
A Visitor in Ponyville“Who or what is that?” Rainbow Dash thought to herself. There was a visitor in Ponyville, and they looked quite unlike anything anypony had ever seen. Tall and slightly green with two tentacle-like arms and four tentacle-like legs, a bulbous head with a drooping, bulbous nose, and a shirt but no pants, they meandered through the streets, seemingly aimless. Several ponies had already closed up their shops and headed back home, locking their doors and securing their windows…just to be safe. But Rainbow Dash was braver than that, and with Pinkie Pie out delivering a cake to the Crystal Empire, she felt that it was her duty to welcome the visitor, whoever they were, to Ponyville. Flying down from the cloud on which she had been perched, Rainbow Dash approached the strange being. It looked up at her and stopped in its tracks, seeming to await her next move. Not sensing much of a threat but still hesitant to get too close, Rainbow Dash paused her flight, hovering at what she believed would be a safe distance. The being continued to stare, but Rainbow Dash took it in stride, exclaiming, “Welcome to Ponyville! I’m Rainbow Dash! What’s your name?” The being opened its mouth as if to speak, then closed it. With a slight smile, it slowly moved one of its tentacle-like arms to point at a nametag on its chest. Rainbow Dash squinted, just barely able to read the words on the tag, which was rather dirty and beat-up. “Squidward…Tentacles?” The being nodded, lowering its arm. “So, uh…not to make assumptions, but is that a guy name or…?” The being nodded again. “Cool,” Rainbow Dash said. “Well, hey, I can show you around if you want.” A long pause. “Uh…” Rainbow Dash started to say, unsure how to proceed. She was sure Pinkie would have been able to get the visitor talking in no time. Heck, she probably would have pulled them along on a tour whether they liked it or not. But that wasn’t Dash’s style. To the side of the street, a teal pony who had locked herself in her house upon the arrival of the visitor cautiously opened her door, poking out her head and waving with one hoof. “Hi, Squidward,” she said tentatively. Without warning, Squidward’s entire body suddenly jerked to the side, a quick series of halting motions ending with him facing this other pony. His head tilted, his mouth curled into a slow smile, and the pony ducked back inside her house, slamming the door behind her. As the door slammed, Squidward’s smile disappeared and his eyes flashed red. “Hey, it’s alright. They’ve just got to get to know you, is all,” Rainbow Dash told him. “Everypony is nice here, really!” Squidward opened his mouth. He raised his arms at an angle, near his head and pointed toward the left. And in a nasal voice that seemed to come not from within him but from within the depths of the planet itself, sending echoing ripples through the very fabric of reality, he said just one word. DAB.
Force of DestructionA wave of energy spread from Squidward’s arms, pointed directly at the house of that skittish pony, and before Rainbow Dash even had time to register what was happening, the blast had disintegrated the entire building. Not even the pony herself remained. Squidward’s mouth slowly rose back into a smile, his eyes went back to normal, and he turned toward Rainbow Dash…or where she had been. Nopony was there. Squidward’s smile fell and his eyes turned red. A quarter-mile away, Rainbow Dash was fleeing as fast as she could…or, at least, as fast as she could without creating a sonic rainboom. She didn’t want to leave a trail that could be followed. Within a couple minutes, she was crashing through the window of Twilight’s castle’s library. Twilight was nowhere to be seen. “Twilight! Twilight!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “We need to evacuate everypony, now!” “What’s wrong, Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked, walking around a pile of books and still half-concentrated on the book she was levitating in front of her. She didn’t seem to have recognized the urgency in Rainbow Dash’s voice. “There’s this…thing. It’s called ‘Squidward Tentacles’ and it’s…it’s…you’ve just got to see for yourself!” Rainbow Dash flew over and pushed Twilight from behind, finally causing her to lose her concentration and drop the book. A moment later she’d been scooted all the way to the window. Squidward was only a small speck in the distance, but the destruction he was causing was much greater. As Twilight watched in shock, he took step after step forward, turning side to side and obliterating building after building with each and every DAB. Whatever restraint, whatever mercy he had shown when he had first arrived, appeared to have worn thin. Ponies scattered in all directions in his wake. Whether by coincidence or through some strange homing sense leading him to Rainbow Dash even without a rainboom to follow, he was coming toward the castle. After the initial shock had worn off and the more logical part of Twilight’s brain kicked in, she realized something. “I…I know this,” she said. “I’ve seen this before.” “You what?” Rainbow Dash asked. They backed away from the window and Twilight began frantically searching through her shelves, pulling out book after book and then setting them aside. Her mind completely occupied, she ignored the question. After a minute or two, Rainbow Dash returned to the window, figuring she wouldn’t be much help if she didn’t even know what they were looking for. Squidward was still pretty far away, but definitely closer than before. The swathe of destruction he was causing grew ever larger, but there were now few ponies to be seen. Either they had escaped or they had been caught in Squidward’s path and hadn’t made it. Or they were in one of the buildings that was still standing… Scratch her initial exclamation; it was already much too late for a full evacuation. But maybe she could save at least a few ponies if she headed back out and – “Found it!” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash turned around and saw her holding up the journal that she used to communicate with Sunset Shimmer. “Uh…Squidward is almost here. Is now really the time to…” Rainbow Dash started, but Twilight wasn’t paying attention. She was muttering to herself. “Not sure why I put it there. Usually it’s right on that table, but it’s been missing ever since…this…mor…” Suddenly she thrust the journal at Rainbow Dash. “Here!” Twilight said. “Read page 47, but don’t tell me what it says,” “What?” Rainbow Dash said, utterly confused. “Just…tell me if it’s something helpful or not,” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash scanned the page and her eyes widened. “Um…maybe?” “Good enough,” Twilight said, and disappeared in a burst of magic.
A History LessonA few moments later, Twilight reappeared in a second burst, seeming much less composed than before. “Maybe? Just maybe? What if everything isn’t fine? What if we can’t stop this at all?” She was nearly hyperventilating. “Deep breaths,” Rainbow Dash said, and Twilight complied. Dash checked Squidward’s progress out of the corner of her eye. He was just a few streets away. As Twilight’s breaths slowed back toward normal, she quickly explained herself. “This morning, I got a visit from myself from the future. She woke me up, told me everything was fine, and then went to the library. It was 3 in the morning! I thought it was a dream!” “But it wasn’t?” Rainbow Dash asked, beginning to understand. “No! I went back in time just now. I woke myself up, told myself everything was fine, and then went to the library. I took the journal, wrote a message to Sunset, and then put it away where I just found it. There would have been no time for her to respond with Squidward so close, so I had to make time,” Twilight said. “Why didn’t you check the journal yourself?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Getting new information by using a time loop can be problematic,” Twilight said. “Time tries to avoid a paradox in the simplest way possible. If I knew what was on the page, it was plausible that I’d have ended up just writing it down myself while in the past rather than asking Sunset, and if I did that, the information would have had no source. It might have been useless! Or the page might have just been blank. Asking you the way I did worked both to confirm that I did in fact wake myself up this morning and to ensure that I’d have to ask Sunset for the information.” She had fully calmed down by now. Even in a dire situation like the one they were in now, explaining magical theory still did the trick. A moment passed. “Alright, let me see it,” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash hoofed the journal to her. Paraphrasing what Sunset had written, she muttered, “Dabbing…pastime for kids…memes…haters…originated in Equestria…” She turned the page. Rainbow Dash leaned in, having not seen that page yet. In large letters above the rest of the message was written, “DAB = BAD,” and the equation was circled with red ink. To make a long story short, Sunset’s letter explained across both pages that dabbing was a relatively recent phenomenon in the human world, having become a meme just weeks before the last time Twilight had visited. During Twilight’s last visit, the two of them had witnessed someone dabbing, and Sunset had confided in her that she recognized it from a vague memory of a history lesson she had attended as Celestia’s student. She had promised to do more research and get back to Twilight once it was done. After multiple trips back to Equestria to visit the Canterlot archives, she had still not figured out how it had made its way to the human world, but she had confirmed that it originated in Equestria…albeit in a much different form. A thousand years earlier, there had been a sorcerer known only by the name of Jake who wanted to overthrow the Princesses and take control of Equestria. He researched tirelessly in pursuit of the ultimate evil and after several long years, he found it. It was shockingly simple. Evil was bad. Reversing words so the letters went toward the left was sinister. And thus “dab” – “bad” in reverse – was the most evil and sinister word of all. Combined with a particular ancient salute to the Sun, it sapped power from Celestia and rerouted it for destructive purposes. Even one use was often enough to corrupt its user, rendering them a complete and utter psychopath. In the human world, Principal Celestia had no magic to sap and thus there was no danger. Dabbing could be done free of destruction and free of corruption. But in Equestria… DAB. Squidward had arrived.
Battle for Bikini Bottom…I Mean, PonyvilleHis eyes still red, Squidward looked directly up at the window of the library and began to smile. Rainbow Dash had looked away from Sunset’s letter upon hearing that last DAB. and had looked out the window just in time to see the nearest building disintegrate. Now she stood, silently staring back at Squidward. Their eyes locked. Out of the corner of her mouth, Rainbow Dash asked, “So what are we supposed to do? Did Sunset say anything about that? How did Celestia stop Jake before?” “She didn’t. Nightmare Moon did,” Twilight said, having finished the letter. “Or, well…Luna did. She dabbed back, she destroyed Jake…and she became Nightmare Moon.” DAB. Squidward destroyed the far wing of the castle. “Spike!” Twilight cried. His bedroom was on that end of the building. “I’m okay!” Spike said from behind them. Nopony had seen him enter, but he had been there for a minute or so. “Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt. But I saw what was happening and I thought I’d find you here.” “Spike!” Twilight rushed over and gave him a hug. “Uh…not to break up the touching reunion, but we’ve still got a problem,” Rainbow Dash said. “So we know dabbing back should work, but we can’t do that or else we’ll get corrupted, right?” “Most likely,” Twilight said. “Couldn’t you just hold his arms down with magic or something?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Just stop him from dabbing in the first place?” "Normal spells won’t work,” Twilight said. “We'd have to physically hold his arms down, but that would be only a temporary fix and getting close enough to do it could be dangerous. Once someone has dabbed, they’re immune to all but the most powerful magic. You can’t even teleport too close to them. Things like Celestia’s banishment spell or the Elements of Harmony would be the only long-term solution, but we don’t have the Elements anymore.” “Can you cast Celestia’s spell?” Rainbow Dash asked. “No, I’m not strong enough,” Twilight said. “Well, then, let's send a letter to Celestia!” Spike said. “Do it,” Twilight told Spike. “Tell her we need her here now.” Taking a quill and a piece of paper from a nearby table, Spike began writing furiously. DAB. More of the castle was destroyed, this portion including the throne room with the cutie map. Spike sent the letter. A few long moments passed. “She’s not going to get here in time. We have to do something else,” Rainbow Dash said. “Maybe we should teleport away? Then we’d have more time to think,” Spike said. He didn’t entirely understand what was going on, not having read Sunset’s letter, but he understood enough. “No, he’ll just destroy the rest of Ponyville,” Twilight said. “There’s already been too much destruction. We have to stop him now. Wait, what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash was opening the window. “I’m going out there. He seems to be fixated on me, I guess because I was the one who welcomed him here. Maybe I can talk him down. And if I can’t…well, I love you guys. Tell Fluttershy I’m sorry I borrowed her toothbrush.” "Wait!" Twilight shouted, but Rainbow Dash had already left. DAB. Another portion of the castle was destroyed, an entire wall of the library disintegrated in an instant. One more time and the entire castle would be gone. “Mister, uh…Squidward,” Rainbow Dash said, approaching him as closely as she dared. “Sorry that Ponyville was afraid of you. I’m sure you’re really a nice guy and all and…” After all the damage he had caused, all the lives he had probably destroyed, she just couldn’t make that last part sound sincere. Not that it probably would have mattered anyway. Squidward’s eyes stayed red and he slowly raised his arms again. It was too late. “Look out below!” a voice called from above. In the blink of an eye, Squidward was engulfed in a huge cake and frosting flew in all directions. “Pinkie Pie?!” Rainbow Dash called. She waved from her hot air balloon. “You’re back!” “Yep! I got halfway to the Crystal Empire and then my nose started twitching and my front right hoof started tapping and I just knew that somepony here needed this cake more than they did. Sorry, Flurry Heart!” Pinkie Pie said rhetorically. Flurry Heart was nowhere to be seen. DAB. Pinkie Pie’s balloon was obliterated, leaving only the basket intact. Even from his current position lying on the ground and covered in cake, Squidward had been able to dab. Rainbow Dash quickly flew up and caught Pinkie Pie, lowering her safely to the ground. Twilight teleported down to the action. “I had Spike send letters to Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy,” she said. “They should be here any minute. We’re just going to have to distract Squidward until Celestia gets here.” Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie nodded, and the fight began in earnest. Rainbow Dash flew in circles around Squidward, Pinkie Pie rushed quickly around, popping out of hiding place after hiding place and waving her arms around like a crazy pony, and Twilight teleported all around, flinging pieces of debris at Squidward with her levitation magic. She couldn’t teleport too close and she couldn’t use levitation magic on him directly, but she could still do that. DAB. DAB. DAB. Over and over again, Squidward dabbed, and the three ponies just barely kept out of the way of his blasts. Twilight knocked him down several times, but he just kept getting back up, and he just kept dabbing. Suddenly there was a roar in the distance. Squidward turned toward the sound. And out of the Everfree Forest came Fluttershy, leading an angry Ursa Major directly at the tentacled monstrosity. She ran off to the side and the Ursa continued to charge. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight scattered as it approached, but Squidward stood his ground. Raising his arms, he simply said DAB. The Ursa was disintegrated instantly. “Noooooo!” Fluttershy screamed, and tried to fly at Squidward, but Twilight held her back. Squidward lowered his arms again and surveyed his surroundings, locking eyes with each of the ponies surrounding him in turn. “Now!” came Applejack’s voice, and a large piece of fabric was thrown over Squidward’s head, Rarity having brought it all the way from her boutique. Applejack threw a lasso over Squidward and pulled it tight, pinning his arms, knocking him off his feet, and trapping him within a fabric cocoon. A few seconds passed, Squidward lying unmoving on the ground, his legs sticking out from under the fabric. “Is…is it over? Did we beat him?” Pinkie Pie asked. Twilight carefully paced around the spot where Squidward lay. “I…I think we did,” she said. "It seems to be holding for now. Great work, girls!”
EpilogueTHREE MONTHS LATER Things were slowly getting back to normal in Ponyville. The buildings which Squidward had destroyed were being rebuilt, and a census of the town had shown that only five ponies were missing in the end. For much of the town, it was lucky that DJ-P0N-3 had been having a free concert on the other side of Ponyville at the time. Some of the rest had been evacuated with the help of Sunset Shimmer, who had arrived in Ponyville just before Squidward’s first dab – Twilight’s hornwriting had been unusually messy in her last message and she had decided to come back and check if everything was alright. (The mirror to the human world was currently at the Ponyville schoolhouse on the edge of town in order to facilitate an easy exchange program between the worlds, so she had seen the first dab from a distance.) A memorial statue and plaque had been built to remember the five ponies who had perished in Squidward’s wake. Sunset Shimmer, Twilight, and Spike were working overtime to try to find a way to end the threat of the dab forever, but in the meantime, only one pony was dabbing: Celestia. She had been dabbing for three months straight. Twilight had realized that since the dab pulled power from Celestia, that meant that if Celestia did it herself, she would be pulling on her own power – thus holding it close and effectively shielding it from being taken by anypony else. (Since the dab worked in this reverse way for her, the energy was not channeled into destruction and thus she at least seemingly could not be corrupted.) The instant Celestia had dabbed three months ago, both Squidward's and Luna’s dabs had ceased to have effect. Squidward, for his part, had been taken to Tartarus and was under close watch. He tirelessly kept on dabbing over and over again, his eyes still red, but nothing ever happened. His voice was now that of a mere mortal, still a nasal tone but with no power behind it. Unable to get him to say anything other than “DAB,” attempts to discover where he had come from or where he had learned to dab were fruitless. Luna had continued to flicker back and forth between herself and Nightmare Moon for several minutes after ceasing her own dab before settling on her normal form. Good had prevailed. She was now helping the others to research possible solutions for the dabbing problem whenever she had a break from her royal duties. Thus far, no permanent solution had been found. The idea of taking Celestia to the human world in the meantime so that her power could not be sapped was briefly considered, but quickly abandoned since somepony would still need her power to raise the Sun in her absence, thus defeating the purpose. (Not to mention that if she kept her power and went to the human world, the ubiquity of dabbing there would increase the danger exponentially if things still worked the way they did in Equestria.) Twilight had asked Discord for help, sure that he could do something, only to have him claim that he couldn’t. She suspected that he might just think Celestia dabbing forever would be funny, but had no way to prove it. A plan was currently being researched which would involve a team of mirror pool clones of Celestia each dabbing in shifts, but it had not yet been confirmed to work. For now, Celestia was stuck. Up on her hind legs, her forelegs raised and her mouth pursed in frustration, she continued to dab. THREE MONTHS LATER And dab. “We’re still trying!” Twilight assured her. “I know we’ll figure something out!” THREE YEARS LATER And dab. “I’m sorry, sister,” Luna said, a tear running down her cheek. THREE CENTURIES LATER And DAB. The End
Impossible Contortions of InsanityTwilight's examination complete, the group cautiously approached the fallen being. “What should we do now?” Fluttershy asked. The six of them stood in a circle around Squidward. “We’ll have to wait until Celestia gets here,” Twilight said. “Even if he’s incapacitated now, we can’t keep him that way forever. Without the Elements of Harmony, we have no choice but to banish him to the Moon.” Rainbow Dash poked him sadly. “I really did just want to give him a proper welcome to Ponyville,” she said. Pinkie Pie wrapped her front legs around Rainbow Dash in a hug. Suddenly, Squidward’s legs started twitching. All six ponies jumped backward. And then, as they watched in horror, the legs began to curl upward in an unnatural way that should have been impossible, one that should have broken and twisted any internal structure which his body might have had. “He’s trying to dab!” Rainbow Dash shouted. The six of them pounced on his legs, each grabbing two (a total of three of them on each leg) and straining to try to hold them back. It was a valiant effort, but it was no use. With a primordial energy that defied all logic, he continued to twist his legs up toward his cocooned head and into the dabbing position. A shadow fell over the group. Beads of sweat running down her forehead, Rainbow Dash looked up and saw Celestia. “She’s here!” Dash shouted. Without a word, Celestia began charging her magic, preparing the banishment spell. It would take a bit longer than normal since Squidward’s dabs had been sapping her magic. “Just…a bit…longer,” Celestia said through gritted teeth. With renewed effort, the Mane Six pulled as hard as they could on Squidward’s legs, not stopping them from bending but keeping their progress as glacial as possible. “When I say, ‘Now!’ I need you to get out of the way as quickly as you can,” Celestia said, and the Mane Six nodded. A few moments. “NOW!” DAB.
Celestia's ChoiceAs the Mane Six jumped away, Celestia’s spell and the energy of Squidward’s dab collided in midair, each competing to consume the other. Celestia continued to cast the spell, putting as much effort as she could into it, but this only weakened her faster, the expenditure stacking with the sapping effects of Squidward’s dab. And then she came to a realization. Her own death would be the only thing that could put an end to this forever. Even if she could banish Squidward, there would always be the possibility that somepony else might learn to dab, that somepony else might simply take his place. Only with her death would there be no magic left to sap, rendering the dab as powerless as Sunset had told her it was in the human world. She closed her eyes and stopped casting the spell. “No!” Twilight shouted from the ground. Suddenly, something crashed into Celestia, knocking her out of the way of the dab just in time. DAB. Her head spinning, Celestia opened her eyes. It took a few moments for her to refocus and reorient herself in the air. Luna had taken her place and was now dabbing back at Squidward, flickering back and forth between her normal form and that of Nightmare Moon. Each dab’s energy collided with the other in a way very similar to that which had occurred between Squidward’s dab and Celestia’s spell. Her magic now being sapped by two sources, Celestia felt a bit lightheaded and lowered herself to the ground. “I won’t…let you…WIN!” Luna said, the last word shouted in her Royal Canterlot voice. It wasn’t clear whether she was referring to Squidward or to Nightmare Moon. “Luna, you don’t have to do this!” Celestia shouted. “I won’t let you die!” Luna shouted back. “Even if I have to go back to the Moon for another thousand years, even if the dab will still be a threat, I know you can figure something out. We can figure something out. We’ll do it together!” “Even if you’re on the Moon?” Pinkie Pie said, confused, but nopony responded. Together. Celestia and Luna…together. Celestia and Luna…dabbing…together. Celestia dabbing. An idea sprang into Twilight’s mind. “Celestia, you have to dab!” Twilight shouted. Squidward’s dab was beginning to overtake Luna’s, seeming to draw extra power because it was done with four arms…or legs...rather than two. “What?!” everypony else (other than Squidward) said together. “Just do it!” Twilight shouted. Celestia opened her mouth as if to protest, or to ask why, but then closed it. She nodded. She raised herself onto her hind legs. And she dabbed.
