"So let me get this straight." General Smith said to Twilight, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna. "Your planet is being destroyed.... by a flying gorilla?"
"It's not just any flying gorilla. It is... Flying Gorilla." Twilight said giving a dramatic pause.
General Smith was quiet for a couple minutes. This was completely confusing. "So... if we kill this thing we can go back to earth?"
"Yes. If you manage to defeat the Flying Gorilla, you and your subjects will be allowed to return home." Celestia said calmly.
"Soldiers. Not subjects."
"What's a soldier?" Said Shining Armor peaking his head in from outside the tent the meeting was occurring in.
"Shush." General Smith said as he stood up. "You horses are clearly idiots, if you can't defeat one measly gorilla. I will show you the superiority of humanity!"
General Smith turned on his heels, and marched out of the tent, arriving at the military field his soldiers were being hosted on. The Jets of the US army flew above him, as an eagle screeched behind him. The superior tanks and rocket batteries readied and loaded their guns to rain death and destruction down upon his enemies.
Behind them stood his Infantry Corps, more than willing to crush anything that stood between them and getting home.
"Captain Jason." The General said gesturing to his second in command. "Tell the men to be ready. Apparently the 'Flying Gorilla' will be here within ten minutes."
"Yes sir!" The Captain said with a salute before grabbing a Microphone and handing it to his leader.
General Smith took the mic, and held it up to his mouth. "Listen here men! The enemy is nothing more than a Gorilla. I expect no difficulty with this mission. Let's just suit up. Kill it and be on our way back to Earth."
"Yes Sir!" His soldiers cried back.
"I expect no diff...icul..ty... What the hell is that?" General Smith started as he was slowly drowned out by the distant tune of music.
It was light, and rather childish. Similar to something you would hear at a carnival, but it carried an underlying feeling of pure dread. As if this was the song of Hell itself. The Human infantry seemed increasing uncomfortable as it picked up in volume. The Ponies were quick to run away as the tune started to pick up in intensity.
On the horizon, the hairy head of a Gorilla started to raise over a hill overlooking the camp.
"Oh my god..." Captain Jason said. Suddenly, every glass window, light and computer screen in the camp shattered and broke as a deafening boom echoed through out the world. Flying Gorilla finally rose above the horizon in his full glory.
He stood in the shape of a T, this pose allowed the Flying Gorilla to link into but a mere quarter of his astral, universal powers. His form floated above the horizon, bathing the humans in his glorious powers. Many of the soldiers, merely shot themselves, knowing that they would never see something as glorious or beautiful as this again in their pathetically short existences.
General Smith pointed to the Gorilla as it floated above them. "Good god fire! Fire fire fire!" He cried as the Gorilla floated above them slowly. Bullets and tanks shells ripped through the air, but they did nothing but bounce off the Gorilla's cosmic shield. The Gorilla's previously closed eyes opened, as he looked down at the beasts attempting to foolishly hurt him. Like a god looking down at mere ants below it, the creature observed the humans with interest before, simply breathing down upon them.
With deafening force, the ground beneath the soldiers cracked and splintered with an earthquake of unimaginable strength. Tanks and men were tossed high into the air, before being smashed by boulders that were upturned by the destructive act of the Flying Gorilla's mere breath. The humans continued firing as their forces were ravaged and claimed by the Gorilla's bare attention.
"Foolish mortals. The reason I have not already smashed you into atoms is because you bare a passing resemblance to me." The Gorilla spoke simply in a deep voice which shattered many of their eardrums. Even more soldiers shot and killed themselves on the spot, knowing they will never again hear a voice so glorious.
"BEGONE THOT!" The Gorilla roared as his eyes shone a deep blue. A second later, a brilliant blue beam of energy shot from his eyes and melted all the humans below him. Not even slag remained behind as the Gorilla turned to continue southwards. The continue wiping out all life he came across. These insects were not worth sparing.
One human remained untouched by the attack. General Smith rose to his feet and laughed. The Gorilla slowly turned around to the human, curiosity on his Simian face.
"Oh? You survived? Surprising." The Gorilla said as General Smith turned to look at him. "How did you survive?"
"I don't think it would be a good idea to give away my secret. Ape." The General turned and started walking towards the ape.
The Gorilla merely laughed at Smith's bravery. "Oh? Instead of running away you are coming right to me? Even though your army is gone? Reduced to atoms?"
"I can't beat the crap out of you without getting closer." The General stated calmly as he continued to walk.
"Ho ho… Then come as close as you like." The Gorilla said before rearing back and shouting.
"BEGONE THOT!!!" It roared, as it's eyes glowed once more, and the laser was shot, it traveled towards General Smith, ten times the speed of light.
General Smith smiled darkly. A deep chuckle emerging from him. "You've activated my trap card!" General Smith roared. He suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an UNO reverse card. The Gorilla's laser stuck it and suddenly turned around, heading right towards the beast of eminent power.
"NANI!!!" The Gorilla cried before the beam struck him directly in the face, and erased his entire being, reducing him to a state of non-existence.
The General chuckled again and dropped the card. "Yes... I am... Victorious!" He cried, before giving into his injuries and letting go.
Author's Note
This is by far the stupidest thing I have ever written in my life. Also, I made it to make fun of stories with human armies in Equestria, however little that was actually an important theme.
I am very proud of it.
Thank you for reading. I am gonna go jump off my roof now.
