A Man And His Filly

Fuck hay fries. No, seriously. Celestia should make a law that completely wipes out all hay fries from the face of Equestria.

That makes three dates in a row where you’ve taken a lovely mare out for dinner, she suggests you get hay fries for the both of you to share and then gets weirded out when she discovers that humans have an abnormally small cecum. Well, it isn’t abnormally small, at least where you come from, but when trying to make a good first impression with a mare you barely know, it kinda starts up that awkward conversation about human anatomy and why she’s the only one eating. Needless to say, it’s not exactly easy for you to get second dates, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if Celestia were to cast some divine plague on every strand of hay in this stupid world of talking horses!

Oh, yeah, and that’s the second hurdle you’ve had to overcome. The first was trying to get over the fact that literally the only possible dating options you have here are freaking ponies, which would be a felony back home in Florida… probably. There’s also dragons and yaks here for you to choose from, but you haven’t quite gotten that desperate yet. You’ve also entertained the idea of a changeling, but they would probably have no idea how to turn into a hot human girl, let alone the fact that you would still be committing your entire love life to a bug.

Actually, Equestria was kinda cool when you first got here--and for all intents and purposes, it still does have a charm to it--but now that you’ve lived here for so long, the initial “magic” has begun to wear off. (The word magic has been put in quotation marks because apparently, magic is real in this place, and you just happened to be blessed with none of it.) There are also ponies who can fly here, but yet again, you’re stuck with the earth ponies: grounded, magicless, and stuck doing hard manual labor jobs while everypony else gets to be mail carriers and junk like that.

Oh, sweet Celestia. Have you really started using the word “everypony”?

“Hey, mister, are you alright?”

You flinch dramatically, wildly flailing your arms while your mind transitions from your previous train of thought into an attempt to slow down your suddenly irregular heartbeat. Once the initial shock wears off, however, you look down to see a pegasus filly probably no older than nine or ten years old staring up at you with wide eyes and her head cocked to the side. Her mane is a long green that matches her fur with bright white streaks along the edges, and her eyes are a bold pink that matches the color of her cutie mark, which you can only make out to be a violin with four musical notes. She seems more and more concerned as the seconds pass, but that’s probably because she was already asking if you were alright before you nearly went into cardiac arrest in front of her.

“Huh?” you mumble. “Oh! Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure? You don’t look so fine.”

Wait. Was that like a subtle jab at how attractive you are?

“Look. You don’t need to worry about me, alright? I’m good.”

“Good, huh? Is that why you’re sitting on a bench alone at night in the middle of a playground?”

You slowly raise your head up from your feet to finally take in your surroundings, noticing for the first time how despondent this environment probably makes you look. “Listen, I promise I’m not suicidal or anything. I’ve just had a long day.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

Obviously not, but this little pegasus filly sits next to you like the question has already been settled, leaving you with the choices of either telling her or giving her the cold shoulder. Fortunately for her, though, even though you can be a major dick sometimes, you’re not about to treat a little girl like trash, especially when she’s only trying to help.

“It’s just… romance problems. What are you doing out here this late anyway?”

The little filly, though, grins like the answer is obvious. “Playing. We’re in a playground, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, but it’s like ten o’clock at night. Aren’t your parents worried?”

“Why would they be worried? I know my way back home. Besides, it’s not a school night or anything.” You want to interject about the dangers of being out alone at night, but now that you think about it, you have no idea whether Equestria is actually more dangerous at night than in the middle of the day. This place does seem to function off of gumdrops and smiles, after all. “Sooooo, you wanna tell me about your mare troubles?”

“Not really.”

“Come on! Pleeeeease?”

The filly’s face then comes uncomfortably close to yours, making you sigh defeatedly while you drop your face into your hands, shaking your head in agitation. “Alright. Fine. What do you want to know?”

“Yes!! OK, so first of all, what’s her naaaaaame?” She flutters her eyelashes femininely as she draws out her final syllable, making you even more embarrassed about the situation as a whole.

“Bonbon. That doesn’t really matter, though, since I’m probably never going to see her again.”

“Awww! How come?”

“BECAUSE OF FUCKING HAY FRIES!” The filly jerks her head back from your sudden outburst, reminding you to take a deep breath and calm yourself down before you inadvertently take your frustrations out on a little girl. “Sorry. Uhh… Don’t tell your parents I said that word.”

“You mean... fuckkk?” The pegasus smiles as she says it, adding an extra emphasis on the hard consonant to send tingles down your spine as the sound softly travels past her teeth. Hopefully this won’t end up with her parents finding out where you live and killing you with rainbows (which is actually a legitimate form of execution in this world).

“Ssshh! Don’t say it so loudly! I’m pretty sure that’s like a high crime in Ponyville.”

The green filly beside you, though, rolls her eyes. “Relax. It’s not like anypony can hear us out here, and besides…” She then stands up on her hind legs, leans right next to your ear and whispers, “I won’t tell if you don’t tell.” Before you know it, your face is blushing a bright red, making the annoying pegasus fall onto her back in laughter at your expense. As if this night could get any more embarrassing.

“Yeah, I think that’s my cue to leave.”

“Wait!” she says between chortles. “I was only joking!”

Even though she’s motioning for you to stay, you’ve already gotten to your feet, looking back down at her with a disapproving stare until she collects herself enough to stand herself back up. “Listen, filly.”

“Katydid, but you can call me Katy.”

Whoa. A name you can actually pronounce for once.

“Listen, Katy. I’ve had a long night tonight, and the last thing I want is to be humiliated by a little girl when she should probably be at home sleeping anyway.”

“I’m sorry, misterrrrr--”

“Anon.”

The filly looks confused at first, but after a brief moment of silence, she begins cracking up, biting down on her lip to avoid laughing hysterically at you yet again. “Anon? Who names their kid Anon?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Waaaaiiiiit!” The minute you turn away, however, you feel her hooves wrapping around your leg, physically preventing you from walking away. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I promise I didn’t mean to.”

You could probably break away from her grip easily if you wanted to, but again, you sigh in frustration, looking down at Katy with an annoyed expression. “It’s fine, but I really need to get going now.”

“But… will I ever get to see you again?”

“Probably. This town is pretty small, and in case you haven’t noticed, I stand out more than the average pony. I’m sure I’ll see you again at some point.”

“Tomorrow.” You raise an eyebrow, but Katy’s determined expression remains firm. “I’ll let you go, but only if you promise to meet me here tomorrow.”

“...Seriously?”

“Promise me, Anon!”

You have no idea why this girl wants to see you again so badly, but what choice do you have? Are you really just going to tell her to leave you alone while you sulk in misery, simultaneously spreading your sadness to somepony who just wants to be your friend? As much as you hate to admit it, you actually consider giving her the tough love scenario, but you were right when you told her that this town is small and that it would only be a matter of time before you ran into her again.

“Fine, but it has to be during the daytime. I feel weird being out here with a foal this late.”

“Yaaaay! Thank you, Anon!” Katy then pulls herself up to her hooves and enwraps you into a big hug, making you momentarily forget about how crappy today has been. Just momentarily, though. “I can’t wait to play with you some more! Then we can talk more about those mare problems you’re having.” You want to interject that last idea, but before you can cut her off, she cuts you off herself. “Oh, that’s right. You had to leave, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. Uh… I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

“OK! Bye, Anon! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

The two of you wave goodbye, walking in separate directions as you both make your way home, but as soon as she’s out of sight, you sigh again and quietly mumble under your breath, “What are the consequences of what I’ve just done?”

The next day, you dress up for no particular reason whatsoever, seeing as how the girl you’re going to be spending the afternoon with isn’t exactly somepony you’re hoping to impress. Then again, your version of dressing up includes wearing an ironed shirt rather than your “I really wish I weren’t here right now” button, which you actually considered wearing at first. At least this way you can say that you tried if she ends up getting bored with you, allowing you to retire to the comfort of your home where you can blame ponies for all your problems yet again. Actually, now that you think about it, you should probably wear some cologne too. No excuses, right?

Just before you arrive at the park, you begin thinking about how long you plan on waiting for Katy before you decide to call it quits for the day. She’s just a kid, after all, which means that even if she remembers that she’s supposed to meet you here, she would also need to be motivated enough not to blow you off for hopscotch or something. Unfortunately, however, as soon as you arrive, you see that she’s already there, indicating that as much as you’d like to avoid being social today, it looks like you don’t have much of a choice.

“Anon!” she calls, waving her hooves energetically. “Over here!”

You look around nervously, putting your hand up to shield your face like somehow that will prevent ponies from recognizing you. By the time you actually sit down at the bench where the two of you met the night before, though, she’s lifting an eyebrow in curiosity while you’re just hoping that the townsponies won’t judge you for hanging out with a filly on a Saturday afternoon.

“Hey, Katy,” you say without making eye contact. “What’s up?”

“Whyyyy are you acting funny? Wait! Is that mare from last night here?! Show me! Show me!”

“Ssshhh! Keep your voice down!” You look around again to see if anypony is looking at you, but thankfully, they’re all focusing on their own lives, kinda like what you should be doing. “And no, she’s not here.”

“Awww! I wanted to meet her.”

“Well, she’s a bitch, so you’re not really missing anything.”

You’re hoping that by using strong words, she’ll want to change the subject altogether, but her interest seems even more piqued than ever, communicated by the sly grin growing on her face. “Were you two in loooove?”

“What? No! How did you get anything like that from what I just said?”

“Just a hunch. So are there any other mares you’re interested in right now?”

As she asks the question, she leans in closer, smiling seductively while her eyelids bat girlishly. You don’t know why, but for some reason, your neck breaks out in a cold sweat as you gulp with nervousness, feeling more on edge by how close she’s getting than by the uncomfortably personal question she just asked.

“N-no. Not really. I was kinda banking on that last one.”

“That just means we need to find you a nice girl who appreciates you, then! So what kind of mares do you like?”

This is so embarrassing. You're legitimately getting dating advice from somepony who's probably never even had a boyfriend before.

“I uh… I don't really have a type. Just anypony who's nice and fun to be around.” The filly tilts her head awkwardly at your halfhearted response, leading you to pull on the collar of your shirt to allow more air into your suddenly gripping throat. “But enough about me! Why don't we play a game?”

“Sure!” she exclaims, ears perked up in excitement. “Just so you know, though, this doesn't mean we're done talking about girls just yet.”

It does mean that you can avoid it until she forgets about it, though.

“Great! So what game did you wanna play?”

“The kissing game.”

Piece of shi--

“I don’t think I’d like that game,” you say with a half-baked chuckle, looking around for FBI ponies. “How about we play something else?”

Katy, however, giggles wildly into her hooves. “It’s not like that, silly! Here.” Katy then puts her hooves above her eyes to block out the sun as she scopes the surrounding area until finally, she gasps with excitement, pointing to a secluded grassy area across the playground. “Found one!”

“...One what? Did I lose already?”

The pegasus filly rolls her eyes. “Nooo. Look! I found a couple kissing! That’s one point for me!”

You have to squint your eyes to see what she’s looking at, but sure enough, you can barely make out the sight of two ponies kissing each other on a picnic blanket. You have to admit, it is impressive how she was able to scope them out so quickly, especially since PDA is so rare in Equestria, but that still leaves one major question.

“So, the point of the game is just to point out ponies who are making out? Exactly how many couples do you expect us to find in this tiny little playground?”

“Just the one, probably. That’s why we’re gonna search all over town!”

“...You’re joking, right?”

“Nope!” she exclaims, hopping off the bench and walking forward, making you turn your head quickly as her butt unexpectedly becomes the focus of your view. You wait until your peripheral vision allows you to see her face turning towards you before you look again, but by that point, she’s already several yards ahead of you. “C’mon! I knew the perfect place!”

You glance towards her again, hoping that looking directly at her won’t lead to any misunderstandings, but just as soon as you think you’re safe, you see her winking at you, wiggling her hind legs in excitement. You palm your face in embarrassment before standing up and walking towards wherever she’s leading you, silently praying that nopony’s going to get the wrong idea about the two of you. She looks so innocent, like there could be nothing wrong about this situation in her immature mind. Hopefully you’ll be able to remember that, though, as you try not to look at her swishing tail while she leads you into town.

Finally, after a long, tiring day, you collapse down onto the table of a dining establishment, exhausted from not only walking throughout half of Ponyville, but also losing very handily to somepony you thought could barely count. You had no idea that you could even find that many kissing couples in Equestria, but Katydid pointed them out like they were freaking trees!

“This is bullcrap.”

“Sorry, Anon, but you know the rules,” she says, taking a seat across from you with a much more energetic demeanor. “Loser has to buy the winner a snack.”

“How the hell did you even find that last one? They were in a freaking garbage can!”

Katy, however, shrugs with a smug-looking face. “I guess I’m just better at this than you.”

“I call hacks.”

“It’s not like I would have been able to pay for you anyway.” You lift your head up to give her an offended glare, but that just makes her laugh into her hooves with her soothing, high-pitched voice. You want to be mad at her, but the tone of her giggle is so heavenly that you forget why you were so mad in the first place. “Oh! Here comes our waiter!”

“This was supposed to be a snack!”

Yet somehow, she roped you into some romantic restaurant where you would normally take a mare you liked, and for some reason, you are just now realizing that this could once again give ponies the wrong idea. It is kinda nice that you get to share a dinner with somepony that you actually sorta like for once… but it’s not like that! She’s just some little girl that tricked you into buying her dinner! There’s nothing more to it than that!

“Good evening,” the waiter says in his bourgeois accent. “What can I get the two of you tonight?”

“Oh! Could I get hay fr--” You quickly glare at the filly, making her shrink in her seat. “Probably not hay fries. How about mac and cheese?”

Sweet Celestia. Could this get any more embarrassing?

“Excellent choice, m’lady. And you, sir?”

“Ugh… I guess I’ll take mac and cheese too.”

Now it can’t.

The waiter then nods his head, takes your menus and walks away, leaving the two of you alone at a candlelit table where you have nowhere to look but into each other’s eyes. You never noticed it before, but when she smiles, the light reflects in just the right way to make her whole face glow, like the sun is always shining right above her. She’s also got the most adorable dimples, and any time she laughs or giggles, you feel like your body becomes weightless, like she’s giving her pegasus wings to you. She’s so…

...young! What are you thinking?! What, just because somepony actually treats you nice and is fun to be around, you think you can just start getting feelings for her? OK, now that you think about it, that’s exactly what you said your type was supposed to be, but this is different! There is no way you’re actually attracted to a pony who barely got her cutie mark!

“Anyway!” you begin, trying to steer your mind in a different direction.

“So why haven’t you fucked me yet?”

You tilt your head in confusion, lip trembling as you attempt to piece together what she could have possibly just said, but for some weird reason, your mind keeps coming back to the same sentence. She didn’t really just ask what you think she asked… did she?

“W-what?” you ask, too nervous to look around and see if anypony overheard her.

Katy, meanwhile, lays her head in her hoof while her foreleg rests on the table, looking almost bored all of a sudden. “I saaaaid, ‘Why haven’t you fucked me yet?’”

This time you do look around, frantically moving your head to check every single reaction in the restaurant, and although nopony was looking before, some can’t help but look over their shoulders as you scan the area anxiously. Then, lowering your head so that only you and Katy can hear, you say, “Can you please not make jokes like that? Ponies might get the wrong idea.”

“Jokes like what? Like am I not good enough for you?”

“No! It’s not that! It’s just--”

“Look, I can’t help it if I’m not as pretty as a grown mare!” While you tilt your head in confusion, Katy grabs onto her mane, messing around with it while she grumbles angrily. “Stupid bangs. I knew I should have brushed you harder this morning. Stupid green. Stupid...”

What is she even saying? Does she not realize the main issue here? You want to console her, to let her know that she would be very fuckable for somepony more her age, but there’s not exactly an easy way to say that without sounding like a total creep.

“Katy, it’s not like that. You’re a beautiful young filly.”

“I am?” Suddenly, she stops playing with her hair and leans in closer, giving you the widest smile while she looks into your eyes with the most jubilant expression. “You really think I’m beautiful, Anon?”

“Yeah, but…”

Again, you try coming up with a good explanation, but in the time it takes you to think of something, Katy’s smile gradually fades.

“What’s the problem? I didn’t come off like a slut, did I? I promise I’ve never been touched before!”

“Aaaaaand this is where I should probably walk away.” You quickly dig your shaky hand into your pocket, looking to take out whatever bits you’ll need for dinner so you can get out of this obvious trap as fast as you can. “Here’s some money to pay for dinner. You have a nice life.”

Now Katy looks more panicked than ever, putting her trembling hooves onto the table and leaning in anxiously. “Wait! Are you leaving me?”

“Look, Katy, you’re a nice filly and all, but I’m not about to go to jail or get turned to fucking stone all because of some stupid prank!”

“I swear! This isn’t a prank! And…” Suddenly, Katy’s panicked expression shifts into one of confusion. “Why would you go to jail?”

You momentarily stop digging into your pockets to see that Katy’s expression seems sincere, like she honestly has no idea about what forbidden love between adults and children is. “Are you serious? Have you never heard of the age of consent?”

The green pegasus in front of you, however, shakes her head, looking up at you with her wide, beautiful eyes. “What’s that?”

You then place your forehead into your palm with a sigh, shaking your head as you attempt to find a way to explain the birds and the bees without projecting the wrong idea onto anypony who might overhear you. “The age of consent is… Umm… It means that grownups like me can’t be with fillies like you. There’s too much of an age difference.”

Finally, the green pegasus in front of you begins to relax, sliding back into a comfortable position in her chair while she exhales a sigh of relief.

“Ooooooohhh. I get it now.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. We don’t have that here.”

“Good… Wait, WHAT?!”

Your eyebrows furrow in bewilderment while your mind tries to find some kind of miscommunication that the two of you might be having, but Katy, meanwhile, is smirking like she just took away the last excuse you had.

“I don’t think you understand,” you continue. “When I say an age difference, I mean like there’s a minimum age you have to be to--”

“I know what you meant, Anon, and like I said, we don’t have that here.”

Again, you can’t help but fold your arms in confusion. “So you’re saying that it’s totally legal for a filly like you to have sex with a grown man like me?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because… Uhh… W-what if you got pregnant?!”

Katy scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Ugh. No wonder you have mare problems.” The filly then scoots her chair in closer, lowering her head like she’s about to give you a lesson on Equestrian sociology that even someone like you can understand. “Look. You know how there are more mares than stallions in Equestria, right?”

“Yeah. That was like the first thing I noticed about this place.”

“Which means that in order for every mare to breed, each stallion would need more than one sexual partner.”

“Don’t say sex, but yes, I understand.”

“Whateverrr. Anyway, what I’m trying to get at is that when we feel the need to breed, we realize that it might have to be with somepony we’re not in a relationship with. We just have to keep our hints subtle, you know, like the kind I’ve been giving you all night!”

You raise an eyebrow in shock, trying to think of a single signal that she could have used to communicate that she was interested in you. If she’s been giving you hints all night, does that mean you’ve seriously been missing signs like this from mares the entire time you’ve been living in Ponyville?

“You have?! Like when?!”

“Like you know how I was always walking in front of you the whole time? Why do you think I would do something like that?”

“Because… you were eager to win the game we were playing?”

“Seriously?! Ugh! I was walking in front of you so that you would be staring at my butt!” As soon as the words come out of her mouth, you have to keep yourself from flinching, crossing your legs to both appear as if this is a totally normal conversation while you try not to picture her rump in your mind. “I don’t know what things are like in your world, but in Equestria, girls are supposed to be submissive. The males are supposed to just take us whenever they want, and females--like me--enjoy it when the man takes charge!”

This whole thing sounds so unnatural, especially since you’ve never seen anything close to it in the time you’ve lived in Ponyville, but then again, you also had no idea how many ponies you could find kissing out in the open. It does explain why some of those mares have never called you back, after all, even despite how awkward some of those dinner dates turned out, but did she mean for you to just take her virginity in the middle of a crowd? Have these mares really just expected you to pull them into a bathroom and fuck their brains out without a second thought?

More importantly, you aren’t actually thinking about doing this with a filly as young as Katydid, are you? Just because it may fit with Equestria’s backwards societal ways doesn’t mean that you’re about to start getting dirty thoughts about a girl half your age, right? Right…?

“I… had no idea Equestria was like that.”

“So does that mean…” Katy then looks into your eyes, biting her lower lip nervously. “...you’d be OK having sex with me?”

Your jaw drops. You feel a knot forming in your stomach. Your whole life, the main thing that has been preventing you from thinking about having sex with younger girls has been the fact that it was seen as immoral, illegal even. If what this filly is saying turns out to be true, though, not only is it completely legal, but it almost sounds like it’s a completely normal part of society. Could you really go through with it, though, even if there are no rules against it in this place?

You want to say no, but the more you look into Katy’s bright magenta eyes, the more you realize that you’ve been instinctively repressing your urges all day. You have accepted the idea of having sex with grown horses, after all, so maybe--

“Dinner is served.”

Thankfully, before you can allow your mind to do moral gymnastics, your waiter arrives with your dinners, placing them down in front of the two of you before you can continue your conversation any further. Once you look up from your plate, however, you see Katydid looking down at her own dish with excitement, hopefully having forgotten about the whole thing. You’ll be able to continue this conversation later, and if you’re lucky, maybe Katy will drop it altogether. Even if she does, though… is that really what you want?