All Dentists Are Unicorns
"Good morning! It's always nice to see a new face here in the Gas Station! Though, to be honest, most of the faces we see here are new... now that I think about it, I think I only see most of my patients once... Not to worry, though! Perhaps we do a thorough enough job that they don't need to come back..."
"AnnAAHHGrrhmmhm--"
"Please, don't try and talk. I need to be able to see all those pearly whites, after all! Anyways, as I'm sure you noticed, I am Dr. Laughing Gas, Las Pegasus's premiere dentist! I know you probably weren't expecting to get your teeth taken care of while on your vacation, but we never can choose when our dental emergencies happen, can we? In any case, I assure you: we aim to make sure you have a pleasant and enjoyable experience here at the Gas Station Dental and Oral Health Center. As you can see, I have even affixed an amusing little red rubber ball to the end of my snout! Don't worry, I've mostly figured out how to work around it. And it's quite a gas, wouldn't you say? Haha, little dentist joke there."
"Mmmhmhmnnnmnhm!"
"Now, we've talked about this--no talking while you're in the dentist chair! I promise I'll take the best of care of you here! Now, let's see--this is your first time seeing the dentist in a while, isn't it? Have you been flossing...?"
"Mmh?"
"That's what I thought. And, again, no talking please--this is a bit of a delicate operation, and I don't want you distracting me in the middle of it. I'm up to date on my malpractice insurace, you know, but I'd still rather not make my premiums go up again, if you know what I mean! Haha!"
"Haha--?"
"Spit, please, then lie back down. Now, my nurses said that you were curious as to why most of my office staff are unicorns, myself included--especially since most of the ponies who actually live in this town are pegasi. No no, it's not a tribalist question at all! It's actually quite an interesting little story--as most of my stories are, of course!"
"First things first: not all dentists are unicorns, despite the stereotype--though all the best ones are. You see, there has always been a need for dentists all over the world, ever since ancient times! Dental health is a very underappreciated part of complete healthiness. And a big part of dental health includes regular mantainence. Speaking of which, have you been flossing?"
"In any case, dentistry has a long and interesting history, especially in the early days! Of course, back then, dentists were usually called upon just to extract bad or aching teeth. Our instruments were much more primitive back then, let me assure you. For example, for a long time, the most important tools in a dentist's bag were a stick and a mallet. You just had the patient lie down, held one end of the stick against the rotten tooth with one hoof and took the mallet in the other, said a little prayer to Celestia, and swung very hard--"
"MmmHMAAAAHH!!"
"So sorry there--you see, that's why you should floss! If you did, then this sort of thing won't happen! Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment--yes, nurse, could you bring me some more towels--the red ones, if you please. Thank you."
"Now, as I was saying: the mallet-and-stick method was popular for a long time, especially since it almost always worked. But as time has rolled on, we've learned more and more about dentistry--and, as such, we've developed better and better techniques to better support our patients' needs! One of the big ones, as I'm sure you've guessed, is laughing gas--more properly called nitrous oxide. It was an early anesthetic that's still rather effective, and did wonders to advance the science of dentistry--not to mention, provide a special sort of inspiration for yours truly! Haha!"
"mmMMmm...!"
"Don't speak, please! You have been flossing, haven't you? Well, anyways, on to unicorns. A lot of ponies think that all dentists are unicorns because the job requires so much precision. After all, it's hard to shove an entire hoof in somepony's mouth and still see what you're doing, after all! Haha!"
"And you are right... sort of. Yes, it's nice to be able to use a unicorn's telekinesis to get all those fiddly little tools in somepony's mouth--but then again, one of the best candidates at the Canterlot Royal Academy for Dentistry right now is a buffalo, if you believe it! But no, that's not the real reason. It all has to do, believe it or not, with biology."
"MMhhnnmmMM!!"
"I told you, you really should be flossing!"
"But no, it's not tribalist at all! It's a simple fact of life. Earth ponies have an easier time raising plants of all sorts--even pencil-pushers who have never come closer to a farm than the potted azalea that sits in the corner of their office! They just instinctively understand what plants need, and how best to give it to them. And most pegasi have a pretty good idea of which way is north no matter where they are, and most have an innate sense for what the weather will be like the next day! Comes from having to deal with all those air currents, I suppose..."
"But yes--unicorns! We're different in one very, very important respect: we have horns! And most of the time, we use our unicorn magic to pick things up and move them around. Quite handy, by the way--and, as I said, it makes delicate work like machining, soldering, and, well, dentistry a snap! But there's a drawback to all that, too."
"You see, earth ponies and pegasi don't have horns. Surprising, I know, but hear me out. Other ponies have to use their mouths to grab stuff. That involves a lot of wear and tear on their teeth, not to mention all those germs from picking things up off the ground. They have pretty robust little pearly whites--extra enamel, a hyperactive oral immune system, and so on--because they have to. If they didn't, all their teeth would break right in half, or fall right out of their heads! Not a pretty sight, no siree..."
"AaaAAANGHH--!"
"No, no, that won't happen to you--as long as you keep up with your flossing, that is!"
"Well. As I was saying: earth ponies and pegasi tend to have pretty strong teeth and resilient gums, because of all the things they put in their mouths! But all those little defenses take a lot of extra energy and nutrients to maintain. So, as a general rule, unicorns, who make more use of their horns than their mouths, don't waste time on those sorts of things. Which means that, in general, unicorns spend a lot more time in the dentists' chair than the other tribes."
"Angh--an-ANGHHMHHHM!!"
"No, no, not tribalist at all! I'm glad you agree!"
"Of course, every rule has its exception--as I'm sure you've noticed! Accidents happen, of course, and I've seen more than a few teeth cracked from ponies who, say, tried to swing a baseball bat without the proper mouthguard. And pegasi, as a rule, like sweets more than most--they like the extra energy from all that sugar--so I've see quite a few pegasi that need fillings in my time here. But let me assure you, without all the unicorn stage magicians, bookies, and card dealers that come through my doors, I'd be out if business before you could say periodontistry!"
"Anyways, back to your question--though I'm sure you can guess the rest! After all, dentistry is quite the exciting profession, let me tell you, and little youngsters who spend so much time in dental offices are much more likely to catch The Bug. Bad teeth, good dentists, I always say!"
"So, yes: not all dentists are unicorns, despite the stereotype. But unicorn horns make for weaker mouths, and weaker mouths make for bad teeth, and bad teeth make for frequent patients, and frequent patients make for more dentists. And there you have it!"
"Well, go ahead and spit. I think we're done here. Talk with Minty on your way out, and she'll get you checked out and set up your billing. Thanks for coming to the Gas Station, and please, remember to floss!"
Author's Note
Inspired by a short exchange I cut from Celestia XVII: The Broken Princess, but brought to life during a particularly unpleasant experience at the dentist's.
