A Pony Walks Into A Bar...

by Simply Sonata

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Discord, Human, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna
Length: 1163

Stop me if you've heard these before.

The Feghoot Bar.

Steph owns this little bar that is... Tons of Pun!

You very well know what's inside.

A Ponies On Earth Story, Full Of Absolutely Horrible Puns.

I Regret Nothing.

Published 2019-11-28 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-28 19:00:01 UTC

Fluttershy Walks Into A Bar...

Stephanie Phillips loved her cramped little bar. Sure it never really brought in much business even on a good day, but the interesting equines she's met over the years sort of made up for it. Her bouncy blonde hair stretched shoulder length in slight curls, dark blue eyes watched the door for her first customer of the day.

She owned The Feghoot Bar, it had a peculiar effect on the ponies in the neighborhood. It seemed to draw out the colorful creatures from miles around, just for the chance at playful wordplay. Humans would sometimes visit for a drink too, yet they never really said much.

Steph could hear the front door swing open delicately. A rather timid yellow pegasus fluttered inside for lack of a better word, her long pink mane tangled and cluttered with branches. The young barmaid giggled, walking over to greet her new patron.

“Hello, welcome to The Feghoot!” Steph leaned onto the counter, the little pony gently landing atop an empty stool.

“Um, what's that?” She flaunted her hoof gently to a sign hung above the bar.

“Haven't you heard? Decent wordplay gets you a free drink here!” Steph smoothed out her lovely white blouse with a friendly smile to the mare.

“I'm not very talented with my words.” She blushed looking over the drink selection.

“It's totally alright, what can I get you!?” Steph awaited an order from the shy pony.

“How about a Sour Apple Cider?” She spoke in a polite little tune.

Steph nodded with a sly wink. “Right away!” She swayed down the bar swiftly fixing a nice large glass of cider, specially made with a bitter tart taste to shock the senses. “If I may ask? What's with the cluttered look darling?” Steph questioned curiously before sliding the drink down the counter.

“Oh! Well, I've been trying to get these adorable baby chickens to go forth on their own.” She giggled behind a delicate hoof as several little yellow creatures poked themselves out of her mane.

“They're so cute!” Steph nearly felt herself squee.

“Indeed, I've been looking after the cuties ever since their mom passed.” The mare gazed down in slight sadness, drinking from her glass deeply.

“I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope they grow up strong.” Steph arched her hips off to the side.

“I'm sure they will, until then in happy to carry them around with me. ~ They do wonders with the boys.” With a smirk the pony finished her drink, hopping off the stool as she headed towards the door.

“Why's that?” Steph asked curiously about to remind the timid pegasus to pay for her drink.

“Because stallions have been chicking me out all day!”

A Diamond Dog Walks Into A Saloon...

Steph yawned during the early morning behind her hand politely. These were the boring hours of the day, where not much really happened. It were these moments, she wouldn't mind seeing something totally ridiculous happen.

As if on cue a massive brown Diamond Dog slammed the front door open with a snarl limping inside, he was covered in fresh mud of a hard day's work. Steph just knew that'd be a horror to clean up later, she also noticed the beast wearing an odd tiny cowboy hat atop his gigantic head, like something out of an old Western.

“Howdy, scrawny human!” He tried to speak in a country accent, though his floppy bulldog cheeks caused it to sound terribly muffled.

“Morning officer, I'm assuming you're the new sheriff elected for downtown?” Steph arched her hips off to the side.

“I reckon yer correct, Lil Miss! ~ How bout a bottle of loudmouth soup!?” He flashed a slobbering grin to the young woman, who winced in place holding back a gag.

She made quick work to grab a bottle of beer, handing it over to the drooling dog. A faux smile across her lips, the beast chugged down his drink in a matter of seconds belching loudly afterward.

“Rough morning huh?” Steph held her hand over her nose the foul stench nearly unbearable.

“Very, just this morning I stopped a robbery at the local market!” He lifted up his injured limb as if it were a badge of honor.

“Did you catch the culprit?” Steph asked with a shocked little gasp.

“Not yet, but I do have a tip on the fiend's location! ~ Just stopped at this saloon fer a bit of liquid courage!!” The sheriff lifted to his feet ready to leave.

“That'll be five dollars, officer.” The barmaid spoke up gently, a tiny bit intimidated.

“Not now, I have to find the man who shot my paw!”

Two Apple Horses Walk Into A Bar...

Steph was in the middle of the afternoon rush, ponies filled the booths around her bar as sounds of laughter wafted across the air. She barely noticed two paint-covered Apple horses enter, the eldest was a massive red stallion who sat on an empty stool.

His younger sibling a copper-colored mare, took her seat at his side and pouted about something. Steph was indeed interested in such an odd sight, she wandered over and flashed a warm inviting smile.

“What's eating you two?” Steph asked with a quirked brow, the stallion snorted loudly in reply.

“Two ciders, eeyup!” He grumbled as if borderline on the edge of his sanity.

“Don't mind this cheapskate! ~ He just got us fired from a sweet gig!!” The mare narrowed her dark green eyes towards her brother in disappointment.

“Fired!?” Steph whipped up several ciders in awe, this quite the juicy development.

“Yep, from that church painting job down the way! ~ Isn't that right, Mac!?” The copper pony poked the stallion with a rough hoof.

“Nope!” He glared in anger chugging his drink.

“He just had to get home for dinner with Sugar Belle, couldn't pull a late nighter!” The mare slammed her drink down in a similar fashion.

“How did it happen?” Steph broke in between this sibling feud confused.

“We got the church contract by agreeing to bring our own paint.”

“Eeyup!”

“But thanks to an error, we came up a little short!” The mare groaned.

“Eeyup!”

“I said Mac, give me a few hours to run home and grab more paint! It might take all night, but we would complete our job!”

“Eeyup!”

“But he had garsh forsaken plans! So he said to me…” She finished her drink angrily.

“Nope!”

“And before you could say Apples, he had us water down the paint and finish the job!!” The mare lifted a hoof punching her brother on the shoulder.

“It came out thin and faded in spots?” Steph giggled unable to help herself.

“Try everywhere, the church looked like a wet rag.” The stallion finally owned up to his mistake in a voice of shame.

His sister huffed before speaking up defeated.

“I knew we should've, repainted and thin no more!”