Mareplane!

by TheRedFox

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Lightning Dust, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Lyra, Drama, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Spitfire
Length: 12283

It's a long road to the airport, a long road you have traveled. But it doesn't matter because your flight has been canceled.

Rainbow Dash never got over her fear of flying in airplanes, but when its the only option for her to get back to Ponyville, she'll just have to face her fears. But things quickly go sideways when she suddenly has to find a way to land the plane safely. To make matters worse, her co-pilot is none other than an old rival, the mare talking her through landing is her old commanding officer, and the plane itself isn't in great condition. Can Rainbow find a way to land the plane without killing everypony on board? What exactly is the statue of Nameless the Unnameable, who used to be a king? Is Dr. Hooves really a doctor? (Don't worry, he is a doctor). Find out now in Mareplane!, The Red Parade's first and only attempt at writing something remotely amusing.

Reviewed by the wonderful Flutterjackdash!

Ranked as a #1 favorite by Donnnnn!

The following story is a parody of the movie Airplane!, which is a parody of the movie Zero Hour!.

The following story also contains puns, bad jokes, poorly worded statements, non sequiturs, contradictions, running gags, brief moments of physical violence, swearing, profanity, swearing and profanity, beets of silence, plays on words, rhetorical questions, and a deep moral message. Maybe. May also contain nuts. Mareplane! has every single joke broken down here.

The Cast:

Main Characters:
Rainbow Dash
Lightning Dust
Minuette
Lyra
Spitfire

Side Characters:
Big Macintosh
Nurse Redheart
Octavia
Vinyl Scratch
Braeburn
Daring Do
Trixie

Background Characters:
Twilight Sparkle
Fluttershy (mentioned)
Unnamed 'beets of silence' salespony
Cloud Kicker
Blossomforth
Berry Punch
Unnamed Canterlot flight dispatcher
Nameless the Unnameable (mentioned)
Sparkler
Dinky Doo
Ditzy Doo
Dr. Hooves
Twinkleshine
Raindrops
Caramel
Soarin'
Fleetfoot (mentioned)
Surprise (mentioned)
Apple Strudel (mentioend)
Fiddlesticks
Flitter and Cloudchaser (mentioned)
Thunderlane (mentioned)
Clear Skies
Shining Armor
Princess Celestia
Maud Pie
Engine #2
Willy Not that Upset About it
Collin the Police
Unnamed Reporters
Discord (mentioned)
Moon Dancer
Bon Bon
Prince Blueblood

Published 2019-11-29 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-29 04:20:01 UTC

What's the Deal with Airline Food Anyways?

Canterlot International Airport was as busy as it ever was. Ponies were scrambling around, trying to catch their flight before it left, luggage carts were crashing into each other, and the C-terminal was on fire again. None of this mattered to Rainbow Dash, as she nervously twitched while staring up at the message boards.

Airports. Rainbow had made it a habit to avoid them, but she should have known that she would have to go to one eventually. The thought of being in the sky didn’t bother her. It was thought of being trapped inside of a giant metal tube that scared her.

She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. It was kind of funny, she thought, that Equestria’s fearless flyer was in fact scared of airplanes. But it wasn’t entirely her fault. If it hadn’t been for that stupid pony on that stupid mission…

“Rainbow, pull up, you’re too low!”

“Mayday! Mayday!”

“We’re hit, she’s going down!”

“Push! Push! Come on, one more push! I can see the head!”

“Brace for impact!”

Rainbow shook off the resurfacing memories, a terse frown on her face. She looked out the window to try and quell her fears. Her eyes settled on a young unicorn on the tarmac guiding a plane. The unicorn held two large painted sticks in their magic, guiding the plane around. That brought a smile to her face, watching a professional at work. Then they sneezed, and threw a hoof to their mouth to cover it. The movement jerked a stick to the right, and the plane sped up and crashed into the hangar.

Okay, maybe looking out the window was a bad idea, Rainbow thought.

“Are you alright, Rainbow?”

She blinked as a purple alicorn approached her.

“Yeah totally not alleft or something,” Rainbow replied.

Twilight Sparkle raised an eyebrow but didn’t push the matter. “Well, you’re going to miss your flight if you just stand there. Come on, let’s go to your gate.”

Rainbow nodded and the two set off. Rainbow had accompanied Twilight on a quick trip to Canterlot to attend a Daring Do convention, but now that the convention was over, it was time to head home. They walked through the crowded terminal, where some vendors were calling out their wares.

“Beets of silence, get your beets of silence here!”

Twilight politely declined the offered sample. “Are you excited, Rainbow? I mean, just look how far we’ve come! It seems like only yesterday when we only had carriages and trains, and now we have airplanes! Isn’t technology wonderful!”

Rainbow flinched and grumbled something in response.

“Have you ever been on a plane before,” Twilight asked.

“Yeah, actually.”

“Well, an airplane is like a giant metal object that all kinds of ponies can use to fly. We can use them to get to far away places very quickly, and it’s perfectly safe,” Twilight said. “Especially this one. The ‘Airplane One’ is top of the line! The ‘What’ model is also incredibly advanced and has all the safety features a pony could ask for!”

“Look, Twilight, I’m fine. I just haven’t been on an airplane since my… accident.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Accident? Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” Rainbow answered. “But it was a few years ago, when I was flying with the Wonderbolts…”

The sound of propellers filled the air as a tight group of fighter planes soared over the countryside. This text is in italics, so that means that the scene is taking place in the past.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” Rainbow said. “We were fresh out of the academy and eager to prove our worth. Spitfire was leading us on a mission to scout out enemy activity along the border. We were flying Model-6s, in a tight knit formation of five planes, holding at an altitude of around thirty thousand and using the clouds as our cover.”

“When was this?”

“I can’t tell you that, that’s classified,” Rainbow said. “A mare named Lightning Dust was my partner. I liked her. She was bold, charismatic, reckless, and above all, only cared for herself. I hated her guts.”

“Whoo-hoo! Come on, Rainbow, get her lower!”

“Easy there girl, any lower and we’ll kiss the ground.”

“Watch your crosswinds, Alpha-Six,” came Spitfire’s voice over the radio.

“Check it, Alpha-One,” Lightning Dust said. “At this rate we’ll be home in no time!”

“I wish she hadn’t said that. Because as soon as the words left her mouth I saw something on the horizon.”

“Hey, LD, what’s that?”

Rainbow squinted at a giant mass getting closer to them. She saw that it was a bunch of different species of birds, squawking out chants and holding picket signs. “Bird strike!”

“We didn’t stand a chance,” Rainbow said sadly. “Those birds threw bricks and bottles into our propellers. Next thing I know we were heading down and heading down fast. I tried to regain control, but Lightning panicked and sent us into a nosedive. I woke up in the hospital days later. And I haven’t been on a plane since.”

Twilight put a hoof on her friend’s shoulder sympathetically. “Oh, Rainbow, I’m so sorry. But this is the only way back to Ponyville, what with the railway being shut down.”

“I know,” Rainbow said tersely. “But I’m Rainbow Dash, element of loyalty. I can’t be scared of planes. So I’m going to try and overcome it.”

Twilight smiled. “That’s a good idea Rainbow.”

“All aboard, flight six one to Ponyville,” shouted a mustached conductor.

“That’s me,” Rainbow said, taking a shaky step forwards.

“Okay, Rainbow. I’ll see you in Ponyville!”

Rainbow nodded morosley. She really hoped she was as confident as she sounded. She also hoped nopony would notice that she spelled ‘morosely’ wrong.

On the other side of the airport, a lavender pegasus and a white pegasus were heading towards their plane. They were wearing matching suits and ties with yellow stripes on their sleeves, as well as decorated caps.

“Are you enjoying the view back there, Cloud Kicker,” sighed the first pony.

The second pony waggled their eyebrows suggestively. “What do you think, Blossomforth.”

“I think I want to hit you,” grumbled Blossomforth.

Cloud Kicker smirked. “Kinky.”

“Shut up.”

The two paused at the gate, where two unicorns were talking. The first, a minty green pony, smiled at them. “I see you two are still getting along just fine.”

“You don’t know the half of it, Lyra,” replied Cloud Kicker with a wink.

The second unicorn, a blue and white maned mare, rolled her eyes. “Glad to have you aboard, you two.”

“Nice to see you too, Minuette,” Blossomforth replied.

The four of them had worked a crew before. Lyra had signed up as a flight attendant for the better pay, while Minuette had just wanted to see the world. Both Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker passed the qualifications easily and had half a year of experience between the two of them.

“Any troubling passengers so far?”

“Not yet,” Lyra answered. “Oh, but we do have a backup pilot for this flight.”

Cloud Kicker’s face scrunched up. “Backup pilot? I could fly to Ponyville in my sleep. Both with a plane and without it.”

Lyra shrugged. “I don’t know. Apparently she’s trying to get back in the saddle or something so they started her with an easy route.”

“Heh,” Cloud Kicker smirked. “She can start in my saddle if you know what I-”

Blossomforth cut her off by knocking off her hat. “Ugh. Why am I friends with you?”

“Aren’t we so much more than friends,” Cloud Kicker asked as she readjustd her pilot’s cap.

“Shut up. We’ll see you aboard,” Blossomforth said to the attendants as she headed up the ramp and onto the plane.

The beleaguered pegasus made it into the cockpit when Cloud Kicker caught up.

“So what’s the weather like?”

Blossomforth paused in organizing her charts. “Whether or not what?”

“You know, the weather. Ugh, never mind,” Cloud Kicker grumbled as she snatched a report off of Blossomforth’s desk.

“Morning all,” came a third voice as another pony walked into the cockpit.

Cloud Kicker’s face lit up as she saw who it was. “Ah, hey Berry. Blossom, this is Captain Berry Punch.”

Blossomforth nodded and extended her hoof.

“Captain Punch, this is Blossomforth, the navigator for this flight.”

Berry nodded and shook her hoof.

“This is the weather report,” Cloud said as she hoofed a sheet of paper over to Berry. “This is the plane we’ll be flying, and this is the story of a mare, who cried a river but nopony cared!”

Berry settled into the captain’s seat, taking a sip from her coffee mug. “Looks good, Cloud.” She frowned as she gazed over the weather report. “Uh oh. Fog cover looks pretty heavy.”

“Yeah, the weather factory needed to balance out the high temperatures from last week,” Blossomforth said as she organized her charts. “I’ve plotted out our most direct route to Ponyville, we should be able to avoid most of the major storm systems if we maintain around forty thousand.”

Cloud Kicker had picked up a clipboard and was going through the pre-flight checklist. “Shouldn’t be that bad then.”

Berry tried to take another drink only to find her cup was empty. She sighed and rolled down the window, throwing it outside. “Yeah, let’s hope they don’t throw any curveballs at us.”

“Let’s try not to hit any pegasi this time,” Cloud Kicker joked.

Berry Punch grumbled something and keyed up her headset. “Tower, this is Airplane One, we are taxied and ready to load.”

“Airplane One, please adjust your position by one-eighty degrees.”

There was a beet of silence. “Celcius or Farenheit?”

“Kelvin, I think,” Blossomforth said.

“Right-o.” Berry put one hoof on the top of the steering wheel and the other on the back of the co-pilot’s seat, head turned back and looking out the rear window. Just like they taught at the academy.

“Airplane One, go ahead and taxi up to runway six-niner.”

After the transmission, an airport taxi drove up the runway and attached itself to the front of the plane. The taxi pulled it up the runway, into position, before detaching itself and promptly crashed into a baggage carrier.

“Airplane One, you are cleared for takeoff.”

“Roger.”

“Who?”

“What?”

“I don’t know.”

“No, I don’t know’s on third.”

“Shut up, Cloud.”

The flight dispatcher cleared their throat. “Contact Canterlot departure frequency on four-two-oh point niner.”

Blossomforth scribbled some figures onto her charts. “Tower, requesting vector.”

“Who’s Victor?”

“Shut up, Cloud.”

“Airplane One, you are cleared for vector niner-niner-niner.”

Blossomforth reached up and flicked a few switches with her hoof. “Alright, Berry, we’ve got clearance.”

“Who’s Clarence?”

“Shut up, Cloud.”

“Alrighty, let’s get this road on the show,” Berry said. She keyed up the public address system. “Stallions and Gentlemares, this is Captain Berry Punch speaking. We are about to take off. Please fasten your bathrooms and refrain from using your seatbelts. Thank you.”

She reached up and flipped some switches before shifting the plane into gear. Cloud Kicker disengaged the parking brake. Blossomforth lit up the ‘no bathroom’ sign. The three mares shared a nod. The airplane then flapped its wings, and with each beat it went higher and higher until it was in the sky. “Ponyville, here we come!”

On the plane, Rainbow frowned, staring out the window. A gray earth pony who introduced herself as Octavia had sat next to her. She had pulled out her cello and was tuning it when she noticed Rainbow’s discomfort.

“Nervous?”

Rainbow’s eyes darted around the cabin. “Maybe.”

Octavia smiled knowingly. “First time?”

There was a beet of silence.

“No, I’ve been nervous before,” Rainbow answered.

“Ah.” Octavia closed her eyes, focusing on her music.

Rainbow jumped out of her seat. “This was a mistake,” she gasped as she galloped off to the bathroom.

If Rainbow wasn’t in a rush, she would have noticed a greenish yellow earth pony in a green adventure vest and pith helmet, reading a thin novel titled ‘Things you can do with a degree in Equestrian.’ She also might have noticed a massive statue wrapped in a tarp that took up the seat next to her. Rainbow Dash might not have noticed, but another pony did.

“Howdy, ma’am.”

Daring Do looked up from her novel to see a yellow earth pony in a brown hat and vest. “Hello.”

“Name’s Braeburn,” the stallion said. “Mind if I have a seat?”

“No, not at all. My name’s Daring Do, but you can call me A. K. Yearling.”

He nodded, sitting in the seat of Daring’s right. “Mind if Ah ask you what this thing is,” Braeburn asked.

“Oh, this? This is the statue of Nameless the Unnameable, who used to be a king. It’s said to be indescribable because it’s not possible to talk about.” With a hoof, she gestured grandly to the covered item on her right.

On her left, Braeburn raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean by indescribable?”

“Ah mean that it can’t be described,” Daring said. “We can't figure out what it is because we can only describe it in terms of what it isn’t.”

Braeburn blinked in confusion. “I’m not sure I follow.”

“We can’t say that it’s a circular, because we only know that it’s not linear. Or we can’t say that it’s a statue, we only know that it’s not a piece of pottery. It has something to do with a curse put on Nameless the Unnameable, who used to be a king. It messes with thinking and mental functions if you think about it too hard.”

“Ain’t that dangerous then?”

“A little bit,” Daring said. “Especially in an enclosed space like this. Besides being indescribable, it also has the ability to mess with memories. That’s why I need to get it to safety as soon as I can.”

There was a beet of silence. “Ah think Ah get it. So it’s not a statue of a monkey, right?”

Daring blinked. “What’s not a statue of a monkey?”

“The statue of Nameless the Unnameable, who used to be a king,” Braeburn replied.

“Oh, that. Right, it’s not a statue of a monkey.”

“What’s not a statue?”

“I don’t know. What were we talking about?”

“I dunno,” Braeburn said. “Have we met? My name’s A. K. Yearling, but you can call me Daring Do.”

“Howdy,” Daring Do replied. “Name’s Braeburn. You ever hear about the tragedy of Nameless the Unnameable?”

“Didn’t he used to be a king?”

“Sorry about the delay, somepony in first class wanted some wine,” Lyra said as she ducked into the cockpit. “Any refreshments for you all?”

“Just water,” Berry Punch said. “I shouldn’t risk drinking. I’m kind of on thin ice right now.”

Lyra nodded and turned to her cart. She grabbed a bottle of water in her telekinesis and dumped it on Berry.

“Thanks.”

Lyra nodded and left the cockpit, banging her head on the door on the way out.

A thought occurred to Cloud Kicker. “I thought you were already on three strikes? How’d you keep your licence?”

Berry Punch let out an aggravated sigh. “I don’t want to talk about it, Cloud.” She pulled on her headset and pressed a button, her voice filling the cabin. “Gooooood mourning! My name is Berry Punch, and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hi, Berry,” said a chorus of voices from the plane.

“Sorry, force of habit. Anyways, I’ll be your captain for today, and we would like to thank you for choosing Equestrian Air, the best and only airline in Equestria! The time right now is about November 6th, and we should be landing in Ponyville sometime in December. The weather there is currently pretty bad, with a fairly strong chance of rain. Sit back, and please enjoy your flight.”

“You didn’t answer the question,” Cloud Kicker said as she flicked some switches. “How many violations total are you at now?”

“That’s irrelevant,” Berry snapped. “But it’s different now. Last time was failing to stop at a stop sign. And crossing a double yellow. And then it was flying on the wrong side of the road. Stupid Braytan,” she muttered under her breath.

Her rant was interrupted by a faint knocking on the cockpit door. Minuette stuck her head through the door with an awkward smile. “Captain, the PA is still on.”

“What? How’s that possible?”

“It’s a push to talk system, Captain.”

Berry looked down at the console to see that her hoof was still on the ‘talk’ button. “Oh. My bad.”

“But that was in the past,” Cloud Kicker said. “What was your last violation for?”

“Pfft. As if I’d ever tell you. That’s personal information, Cloud Kicker. You should know better than to ask about a mare’s violations.”

“Captain, the PA is still on.”

Blossomforth giggled. “I’m sure the passengers are glad to have you aboard, Captain.”

“Shut up, Blossom.”

Minuette sighed and picked up Berry’s hoof in her magic and lifted it off the ‘talk’ button. She gave them a weak smile and pulled her head back through the door before opening it.

Rainbow Dash had locked herself in the bathroom, taking deep breaths to stabilize herself. “This is ridiculous,” she said to herself. “You’re Rainbow Dash! Best flier in all of Equestria! You have wings! You shouldn’t be scared of a tin can that can also fly!”

With a confident smile, Rainbow stood taller, her heart rate returning to normal. Then the entire plane shook and she fell on her back.

“Sorry folks,” Berry Punch said over the intercom. “I think we hit a bird.”

Rainbow burst out of the bathroom, panting heavily.

“Uh… you just join the mile high club or something?” The pegasus turned to see Minuette staring at her.

“Nope! We’re good! I’m good! It’s all good!” Rainbow awkwardly said.

Minuette narrowed her eyes. “Hey! You’re Twilight’s friend, aren’t you? Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow nodded. “Yep, that’s me. Element of Loyalty and all that.”

Minuette smiled. “Okay. Well, any friend of Twilight is a friend of mine. My name’s Minuette, by the way. Let me know if you need anything. Oh, and there’s another unicorn from Ponyville on this flight, I’ll let her know you’re here. You might know her.”

“Thanks,” Rainbow said. She turned around and headed back to her seat.

As she headed down the cabin, she noticed a light blue unicorn sitting next to a bored looking teenaged unicorn.

“Psst,” whispered the mare in a hat and cape. “Want to see a magic trick?”

The teenager rolled her eyes and huffed in annoyance. “My dear, the fact that our existence is so carefully shrouded in the modern day veil of magical powers well beyond our understanding has placed a damper on the experience.”

“I wanna see a magic trick, Sparkler,” chimed in a young filly from her right.

Sparkler rolled her eyes and adjusted her monocle. “Very well, it would appear that your antics have taken the attention of Dinky. I shall allow you to proceed given that the trick does not place any significant harm on any individuals in the immediate area.”

The mare nodded. “Very well, prepare to be amazed, for the Great and Powerful Trixie shall perform the greatest trick known to pony kind: from thin air, Trixie shall conjure a line break!”

“Woah! That’s amazing,” Dinky said, clapping her hooves.

“Hmph,” said Sparkler, sticking her nose up high. “Everypony knows that this trick can simply be accomplished by placing a fourth ball not shown to the audience underneath the cup on the far right while the audience’s attention is diverted with a convenient sleight of hoof trick.”

Rainbow ignored them and found her way back to her seat, only to find it taken by a white unicorn.

“Vinyl Scratch, you say the most amusing things sometimes,” Octavia was saying.

“ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ , ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀!” Vinyl said.

Octavia giggled. “Oh, you flatter me, Vinyl, but surely you must be joking.”

“⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀,” Vinyl said with a casual smirk. Rainbow couldn’t figure out what she was saying because her words were the same color as the background of the webpage.

With a defeated grumble, Rainbow slouched her way to an open seat and threw herself into it. “I hate airplanes,” she said.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a gray pegasus heading for the cockpit.

“Hi, can I get you anything,” asked Lyra as she approached. “Hey, aren’t you from Ponyville?”

Rainbow vaguely recognized her. Lyra something or the other. “Yeah.”

“Oh, Minuette told me you were on this flight! Are you okay? You look exhausted.”

“I’m not okay. I’m Rainbow Dash!”

A knocking on the cockpit door made Blossomforth’s ear twitch. “Want me to get it, Cap?”

“Could you get it? I’m kind of busy.”

Blossomforth sighed and nodded. “Sure thing, Cap.” She took a deep breath. “COME IN, IT’S UNLOCKED!”

The door swung open and a grey pegasus trotted in. “Hey guys!”

“Hey, Ditzy,” Cloud Kicker said as she flipped a page in her newspaper. “What’s up?”

“Got some mail for you guys,” the mailmare answered. She dug around in her bag and pulled out some objects. “Here’s your daily paper, Cloud. Blossom, here’s your utility bill. And Berry, here’s a package.”

Berry smiled and nodded in thanks. “Do I need to sign?”

“Nope!”

“Great, thanks,” Berry said as she took a pen in her mouth and signed the package.

Ditzy nodded and smiled before turning and leaving, pushing the door open as she left.

“What’s in the package, Berry?” inquired Blossomforth as she stuck the bill into the paper shredder underneath the radio desk.

“It’s from my mom,” Berry replied. She opened the package and gasped in shock. She lifted a bottle out of it, cradling it in her hooves. “Sweet Apple Cider?! Oh mom, you should have!”

Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth’s eyes widened. “No, Berry,” Cloud scowled. “Remember what they said about drinking while flying? And what did we say about your drinking problem?”

“There’s also some cigarettes in here,” Berry said.

Cloud’s jaw dropped. “Give me.”

“NO! Cloud, your smoking problem!” Blossomforth leapt out of her seat, grabbing the pack out of her hoof.

“Hey!” Cloud jumped out of her seat and tackled Blossomforth to the floor.

“Hey, hey! Don’t make me turn this plane around,” Berry yelled as she popped the top off of the cider bottle. She didn’t notice that her hoof was on the PA ‘talk’ button.

In the cabin, Minuette frowned. “What in Equestria is going on up there?” With a sigh, she pulled off her dental mask and gloves. With a burst of magic, she pulled the tooth out of the stallion’s mouth and headed for the cockpit.

“Stewardess, is everything alright?”

“No,” she answered. “Everything’s fine. I’ll be right back.”

As she trotted up the aisle she met Lyra, who was also eyeing the door suspiciously. “Can you check it out, Min?”

“No, stay here Lyra, I’ll take care of it,” she answered. Minuette phased through the door and entered the cockpit.

Lyra sighed and turned back to Rainbow. “Sorry about that. Anyways, what was I saying?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Rainbow replied.

Before either of them could say anything else, the entire plane lurched to the side. “What the hay is going on up there?”

Minuette stuck her head through the door again. “Lyra, Rainbow, get up here!”

Both mares attempted to phase through the door but failed, forcing Lyra to pull it open. Inside, the cockpit was mostly a disaster. Berry was on the floor sobbing while Blossomforth was scrambling about the cockpit. Cloud Kicker was hovering above her seat, screaming in pain.

“What happened,” Lyra asked.

Minuette sighed. “Berry’s drinking problem kicked in again.”

Berry nodded sadly, cradling the bottle in her hooves. “I just want a sip,” she sobbed. She raised the bottle to her mouth, but every drop somehow missed her mouth. “I just want a sip!”

“What about Cloud?”

“She’s got a smoking problem,” Blossomforth explained.

Cloud Kicker nodded, smoke streaming from her back and wings. “Put it out! Put it out!”

Blossomforth finally found the fire extinguisher and seized it in her mouth. She ran over to Cloud Kicker and began smacking her with the fire extinguisher until she stopped smoking.

“Wait,” Lyra said. “If you two are down here, who’s flying the plane?”

“Autopilot,” Blossomforth answered. “It should run it fine unless-”

Berry tried to take another swig from the bottle but missed, instead spraying the liquid all over the plane’s autopilot controls. The system sparked and fizzed before the plane suddenly began diving. The sudden movement caused Blossomforth to lose her balance and slam her head against the side of the navigation table.

“Nuts,” Minuette swore as the plane lurched. “Lyra, go get the backup pilot!”

Lyra nodded and ran up the door. “Rainbow, do something!”

Rainbow leapt at the controls, slamming her hoof against the console several times. Finally, the autopilot let out a beep and the plane corrected itself.

As Blossom helped Cloud Kicker sit up, Minuette went for the radio. “Ponyville Control, come in, this is Airplane One. Be advised both of our pilots have been incapacitated and our auto-pilot is damaged because someone spilled cider all over it.”

In Ponyville, the dispatcher panicked and knocked his cup of cider all over his computer. “Uh, copy that Airplane One. Do you have a backup pilot?”

“Only one, but I don’t know if she can handle flying this plane all by herself.”

“Okay, put her on the line when you can.” He whirled around in his seat, eyes darting around the room. “Twinkleshine, I need you to go find Red!”

“Which one?”

“Yeah!”

Back on the plane, Berry was still a crying mess on the floor, and Cloud Kicker had stuck her face in front of the air conditioning vent to try and cool off. Rainbow paced back and forth, biting her lip nervously. “Rainbow,” Cloud panted. “Why are you biting my lip?”

“Sorry,” she replied as she pulled away. “Minuette, how skilled is this backup pilot?”

The unicorn sighed, rubbing her foreleg. “I don’t know, Dash. She hasn’t flown in awhile.”

Rainbow frowned, pushing Minuette’s hooves off of her foreleg. “What’s her name?”

“Who’s ready to ride the Lightning?!” All the mares cringed as a pegasus flew into the cockpit and crashed into Rainbow.

“Lightning Dust?”

“Rainbow Dash?”

Lightning blinked and looked around the crowded cockpit. “What happened?”

“Lightning, can you fly this plane?”

The pegasus frowned. “Uh, I don’t know. I’ve never flown anything like this before, just small prop planes. And even then I haven’t flown a plane since the incident with Rainbow. This is a whole different kind of flying, altogether!”

“This is a whole different kind of flying,” everyone in the cockpit said, altogether.

“Besides,” Lightning continued. “I’m on probation. I only have my flyer’s permit, I can’t fly unless there’s someone else in the cockpit licensed to fly a plane.”

Rainbow’s heart sank at that.

“Rainbow, don’t you have a license?” Lyra asked.

The rainbow-maned mare frowned. “Lyra, I haven’t flown since… the accident. Same as Lightning. I can’t fly this plane!”

The plane lurched again, and Lightning dove to the controls, realigning the plane. She slammed a hoof on the PA button. “Hey gang! No worries, everything is crystal okay up here! Yeppers, we are A-clear up in here! Nothing to worry about!” She paused. “Hey, anyone in here know how to fly a plane?”

The cabin erupted into panic.

Nurse Redheart narrowed her eyes, adjusting the surgical mask on her face. She pulled up the gloves on her hooves as she approached the metal operating table. She took a deep breath and held out a hoof. “Scalpel.”

“Yes, Nurse.”

Redheart flinched. “What’s the first rule about Scalpels, Raindrops?”

“Don’t talk about scalpels.”

“No. Don’t pass them blade first,” Redheart chided, pulling the scalpel out of her hoof.

Raindrops just rolled her eyes, crossing her forelegs. “Well sorry, I’m not a doctor.”

“Red!” Redheart turned to see Twinkleshine run into the operation theater. “There’s something up with Airplane One!”

“I sure hope there is,” Redheart said. “What’s going on?”

“Don’t know, but you better get up there!”

Redheart sighed and took off her mask and gloves. “Fine.” She crossed the room and opened the metal door. On the other side of the door was a pristine orchard, where Big Macintosh was busy bucking a tree. “Red! Come on, we’re needed!”

Big Macintosh nodded and stepped through the door.

Both ponies had received a letter congratulating a pony named “Red” for getting the job of air traffic control supervisor, but since both had the nickname ‘Red,’ neither was sure which one it was actually addressed to.

They eventually agreed to share the job after realizing that neither was experienced enough to take the job or had actually applied. Apparently the Royal Air Commission was just desperate to have somepony in the job.

The four ponies then left the operating theater, crossed the hall, and entered the dispatching office.

“Caramel, fill us in on everything that’s happened up to now.”

“Well, first there was nothing. Then there was a flash of light and a bright explosion, and our world came into existence…”

In the plane, Rainbow fidgeted nervously in the pilot’s seat. Lightning had taken the co-pilot’s seat begrudgingly, while Lyra went looking for help. She came back with a brown coated stallion in a lab coat and wearing a stethoscope.

“Did you find a doctor,” Minuette asked.

Lyra shrugged. “I think he’s a doctor but I’m not sure.”

The stallion nodded and pointed a hoof to the nametag on his coat that read ‘Dr. Hooves.’ “Don’t worry,” he said reassuringly. “I’m a doctor.”

Minuette sighed in relief. “Okay, I’ll cast an invisibility spell on them so you can bring them to the back. Lyra, can you help him with that?”

“I’ll do it Min, you better stay here,” Lyra said. “Can you handle Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker, doctor?”

“Don’t worry, I’m a doctor,” Dr. Hooves said as he threw the unconscious Blossomforth over his back.

As the two helped the three out of the cockpit, Minuette turned to the two new pilots.

“Look, I know you two haven’t flown a plane together since the incident, but you’re our only hope of getting out of this.” Minuette tried to give them a reassuring smile.

Rainbow sighed, rubbing the back of her head. She stopped when Minuette gave her a dirty look and took her hoof off of the unicorn’s head. “I-I just don’t know.”

The radio crackled to life. “Airplane One, this is Ground,” came Redheart’s voice. “What’s your situation?”

Rainbow hesitantly took the radio in her hoof. “This is Rainbow Dash. I have Lightning Dust here with me.”

In the tower, Redheart frowned. “Those two in the same cockpit? They’re doomed.”

“Well thanks for your confidence, Ground,” Lightning said.

Redheart slapped Lightning across the face. “Get it together! The lives of the passengers are in your hooves. Now I know you two haven’t flown since the incident, but you need to work it out and land that plane in one piece.”

The two pegasi looked at each other and nodded.

“Good. You two got this, we all believe in you,” Redheart said. Then, she turned to Big Macintosh. “We need to get another pilot on the line, I have no faith that those two can land that by themselves.”

“Thanks, Redheart,” Rainbow muttered.

Redheart took off the headset, glancing around the dispatching center. “Alright, Twinkleshine, I want every flight from here to Manehattan grounded, I’m not risking having anything else up in the air.”

The mare nodded and scampered off.

“Raindrops, I want you to contact Canterlot Airport and find out everything you can about those pilots.”

Raindrops rolled her eyes and fired off a salute.

“Apple Strudel, I want you to go find Fluttershy and see if there’s any animals in the air that she can keep out of their way, the last thing we need is another incident. Flitter, Cloudchaser, I want to get a hold of the airline. Thunderlane, I want a skilled pilot who knows a plane like they know the back of their hooves. Tell the Wonderbolts I need to speak with them. Fiddlesticks, I want you to play the fiercest hoedown you know, Clear Skies, I want a double hayburger with an extra helping of fries, and Red, I want you to kiss me.”

“Nnope.”

“Worth a shot.” The dispatching center came alive with activity as the ponies carried out Redheart’s instructions. Redheart’s face hardened even as her head bobbed up and down to the lively fiddle music. “Alright, Red. We’ve got our work cut out for us.”

Back on the plane, Minuette glanced at the two pilots before turning to leave. “I’ll go check on the others and reassure the passengers that everything’s fine. Please don’t get us all killed, you two.”

A moment of silence passed between the two. “So,” Rainbow said. “What’s our plan? Should we keep trying to make it to Ponyville or turn around and head back to Canterlot?”

Lightning Dust frowned, skimming over Blossomforth’s navigational charts. “We better stick the course, we’re almost there anyways. But these figures don’t look so good.”

She turned the chart around to show Rainbow. Indeed, the charts looked horrible, as they consisted of a few stick-ponies and undecipherable doodles in Blossomforth’s mouth-writing.

“You’re right, that’s not good at all,” Rainbow admitted. “And these storms are going to wreak havoc on visibility.” She sighed, staring out the window as the rain battered the windshield. “I really hope we’ve got what it takes.”

“There’s no way they’ve got what it takes.”

Wonderbolts Headquarters was bustling with activity. Uniformed pegasi ran about, shouting orders to one another and crashing into walls.

Across from Redheart and Big Macintosh sat a firey maned pegasus dressed in a sharp blue uniform, with her eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses.

“I’m aware of that,” Redheart answered. “But listen here, the lives of everypony on that plane are at stake.”

Spitfire, Captain of the Wonderbolts, frowned at that. “You listen here, Redheart. I flew with both Lightning Dust and Rainbow Dash. They’re reckless, cocky, and have no regard for others. They’re strong flyers but they’ve never handled anything of this caliber.”

“Listen, I need your help here. We need somepony who knows planes like they know how to fly so they can talk them to the ground.”

“Listen to this,” Spitfire said to the pegasus sitting next to her. “What do you think?”

“I’m listening,” Lieutenant Soarin replied. “And I think it sounds like a pretty big problem, Spits.”

“Listen to your Sergeant,” Redheart pleaded. “We’ve got a catastrophe on our hooves.”

“Whole lot of listenin’ goin’ on,” Big Mac noted.

Spitfire grunted. “Alright, fine. Come on, Soarin’. Fleetfoot, you’re in charge.”

The mare in question opened her mouth to say something but was immediately tackled to the ground by Surprise.

Spitfire stood up and whipped off her sunglasses to reveal her firey orange eye- no, she was wearing another pair of sunglasses underneath. “Alright, let’s get out of here.”

On the plane, the three crew ponies were resting on cots set up in the flight attendant’s area. Cloud Kicker was cradling a sleeping Blossomforth while Berry was cradling her bottle.

“They gonna be alright, Doc,” Lyra asked worriedly.

“Don’t worry, I’m a doctor,” Doctor Hooves replied.

“You’re right, they’re in good care with you,” Lyra said.

Berry blinked. “Kicky, you remember the good old days? The days when we would just run around without a care in the world?”

Lyra began pacing nervously. “I just hope Rainbow and Lightning know what they’re doing.”

“Don’t worry, I’m a doctor.”

“What about Flight Camp? Do you remember Flight Camp, Cloud?”

Lyra nodded. “I know, I should have faith in them. Rainbow is my friend, after all.”

“Don’t worry, I’m a doctor.”

“Do you remember the 21st of September, Cloud?”

Finding comfort in Doctor Hooves’s words, Lyra stood taller and took a deep breath. “That’s absolutely right, Doctor. I have to be brave for the passengers.”

Doctor Hooves nodded. “Don’t worry! I’m a doctor!”

“What about the Titans, Cloud? Do you remember the Titans?”

Lyra smiled, shaking Doctor Hooves’s hoof. “Thank you, I needed that.”

“Don’t worry, I’m a doctor.”

“The Alamo! Remember the Alamo?”

Lyra stood up. “I should go check on the other passengers. Take good care of them, Doctor.” With that, the unicorn left the room, banging her head on the doorframe on the way out.

Redheart scrutinized the clipboard she was holding before turning her attention to the pony lying in the hospital bed. “You’ll be fine, just tell the doctors to inject you with fifty CC’s of morphine.” She then turned her attention back to Spitfire.

“Right, we’re going to put you on the line now.”

Caramel nodded and pointed to the taped line on the floor. “Stand there please.” Spitfire did as instructed and Caramel passed her a headset. “Okay, you can talk to them directly now.”

Back in the cockpit, Rainbow was staring intently out the window. The windshield wipers were almost calming and hypnotic, going back and forth and back and forth and back and… never mind, one of them fell off.

“You alright,” Lightning asked.

“Not really, why?”

“Your hooves are shaking.”

Rainbow looked down to see that her hooves were indeed shaking. “I’m kinda nervous is all. You know, I haven’t even been in a plane since the accident.”

Lightning shrugged. “If you want, I could fly the plane.”

Rainbow sighed. “You can’t, you’re still on probation. Besides, if Spitfire found out, she’d-”

She was interrupted by static from the radio.

“Airplane One, this is ground, how copy?”

There was a beet of silence. “S-Spitfire?”

“Damn straight. Listen here, Rainbow, I know that you haven’t flown since the accident. But listen good. Everypony in that plane is counting on you to get that plane down in one piece. Now, you’ve got Lightning Dust with you?”

“Yes ma’am,” Rainbow replied.

“Okay. That’s good.” It wasn’t. “Lightning, I need you to keep an eye on the navigator’s charts and make sure you stay the course. I also want you to handle radio communications so Rainbow can focus on flying.”

“But ma’am,” protested Lightning. “Rainbow hasn’t flown in years!”

“But she still technically has her license. Which means she’s qualified and you’re not, understand?”

Lightning Dust hung her head in defeat. “Fine.”

“Good. Rainbow, how do the controls feel?”

Rainbow took a second to reply. “Slow, heavy, and kind of sluggish.”

“Slow, heavy, and kind of sluggish,” Lightning Dust reported.

“That’s exactly how it should feel.” It wasn’t at all how it should feel. “Remember, this bird is a lot heavier than anything we flew back in the Wonderbolts. Four engines means you’ve got a lot more power.” It didn’t mean that at all. “You probably won’t notice until we get to landing. I’ll be here to talk you through it, but for now, keep course for Ponyville. Everything will be fine.” Everything would most certainly not be fine.

“You got it, Captain,” Rainbow said.

“You got it, Captain,” Lightning repeated.

“Of all the ponies they could have found, they had to get the one with a stick up her rear,” Rainbow thought.

“Of all the ponies they could have found, they had to get the one with a stick up her rear,” Lightning said.

“...”

Spitfire took off her sunglasses, adjusting the ones underneath. She decided to deal with Rainbow’s insubordinance later. “It’s not good, Redheart. Not good at all.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Nurse Redheart grumbled.

“It’s not good, not good at all,” Second Lieutenant Soarin said.

“Eenope,” agreed Big Macintosh.

Spitfire sighed and rubbed her face. “How many souls on board?”

“Twenty ponies aboard and four hooves on each, making it eighty soles, ma’am,” Caramel reported.

“Okay. What about cargo?”

Caramel flipped a page on his clipboard. “There’s a passenger transporting the statue of Nameless the Unnameable.”

“He used to be a king,” Spitfire noted.

Redheart nodded. “Okay. Caramel, I want you to contact Princess Twilight Sparkle. We need to find out if this thing poses a big risk or not.”

Caramel nodded and reached for the phone.

“Lemon Hearts, I want you to contact the Weather Service and see if we can clear some of these clouds. They’re going to need every advantage they can get. Davenport, I want you to contact the doctor on board and check on the condition of the pilots.”

“Nurse Redheart? The hospital is calling.”

Redheart nodded and took the phone. “I want a raise, and I want it now.” She slammed the phone back down. “Let’s shake a leg, ponies!”

Spitfire shrugged off her uniform jacket and took off her sunglasses. “The important thing right now is to keep them calm,” she told Redheart. “A panicked pilot is no good to anypony.”

“Ma’am, look at this,” exclaimed one of the dispatchers as she slid a report over to Spitfire.

Spitfire whipped off her sunglasses in shock. “OH DEAR CELESTIA!” she screamed.

Soarin’ reached over and turned the paper around.

“Oh. Thanks, Staff Sergeant.”

“Any time,” said Master Chief Soarin’.

Back on the plane, Rainbow flinched as the cockpit door opened.

“Everything okay up here,” Minuette asked gently.

“No, everything is horrible,” Rainbow spat bitterly.

“Okay,” said Minuette as she left again.

Lightning Dust glanced up from the navigational charts.

“Rainbow, you’re being kind of an ass right now. And what was that with Spitfire? I thought she was your hero.”

The prismatic pegasus sighed, rubbing her face. “Well, you would be too if you were in my position. And as for Spitfire, everytime I hear her voice, I think of the accident.”

“I kind of am in your position,” Lightning pointed out. “Left on broadway.”

Rainbow flicked on the blinker and merged lanes. “You got the easy part, every pony who spent a day in the academy knows how to read a map.”

“Two things,” Lightning said. “First, you think I want to be reading charts instead of flying the plane? Second, I almost failed that part. Third, right on First.”

Rainbow grunted as she turned the steering wheel. “As if you could do a better job than me.”

“Come on, I think everypony on this plane knows that I’m the better pilot. I mean, you haven’t even tried to - right on Horse. Annnd you missed it.”

Rainbow swore. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to read the map instead?”

Before the argument and plot could progress, there was a loud noise and the plane tilted to the left. Rainbow let loose a colorful swear as she realigned the plane.

“Mayday, mayday,” shouted Lightning into the radio.

Spitfire swore. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Rainbow yelled as she flicked some switches.

“She doesn’t know,” Lightning yelled into the radio.

“Look out your left window and tell me what you see,” Spitfire instructed.

Both mares turned to the right.

“Your other left!”

Both mares turned to the left. “Nuts,” Lightning said. “We lost engine number two!”

“What?! How?!” Rainbow’s eyes frantically ran over the control panel. “Oh, crud, I forgot to check the oil pressure!”

In the dispatching center, Spitfire took off her sunglasses. “Forgot to check the oil pressure? What the hay is she doing up there?”

Master Sergeant-At-Arms Soarin frowned. “They still have three engines, but it’ll be hard enough without all four.”

“Rainbow, listen here, you can’t afford to lose another engine!”

Rainbow snarled. “I know, I know! Stop riding me, Spits! This isn’t the academy anymore and you know it!”

Spitfire took off her sunglasses calmly. “I’m not trying to ride you, Rainbow, but we need everypony on that plane to go home tonight. Trust me, I am NOT doubting your ability!”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Yeah right.” She tore off the headset and turned to Lightning. “You think you can land this plane better than I can? Fine, prove it.” She stormed out of the cockpit, throwing open the door and accidentally smacking Lyra with it.

Spitfire paced the room angrily. “One time! I need her to put aside her ego for one time, and she can’t do it!”

Redheart sighed, rubbing her forehead.

“Get your hoof off of my forehead,” Spitfire barked. “We might as well start planning their funerals now.”

Soarin’ raised a hoof. “What about the backup pilot, Lightning Dust?”

“Lightning Dust can’t land that plane, Colonel,” Spitfire remarked darkly. “Lightning Dust is a speedster, she always has been and always will be. But speed isn’t going to land that plane. We need Rainbow because not only is she fast, but she has control. Besides, she’s not even officially licenced.”

“Red, the tower manager is here,” said Caramel, sticking his head through the door.

Redheart and Big Macintosh both nodded, took a step forward, took a step back, did the hokey pokey, and looked at each other.

“Take care of it, Red,” Redheart finally said after eating a beet of silence. “See if you two can come with a better landing plan.”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac trotted out of the room to see the tower manager, an earth pony in a sweater, waiting.

Great, Big Mac grumbled. It was Maud Pie. He hated her. “Howdy.”

“Hi.” Maud Pie barely suppressed a groan. She hated him. “We need to get that plane down,” she said.

“Eeyup.” There she goes, he thought, trying to insert herself into a situation that was already under control. Who did she think she was? “Got a plan?”

Of course she had a plan, Maud thought. Who did he think he was, asking her if she had a plan. “What about Las Pegasus?”

Big Mac kept his composure. Inside he rolled his eyes. “Can’t.”

That little shit, Maud thought. “Why?”

“Closed. Fog.”

The two stared at each other for a long time. Maud Pie wondered how many ways she could kill a stallion with a rock and hide the body. “Okay.”

“Eeyup.”

They stared at each other for a while longer, before Big Mac offered her a beet of silence. Maud Pie took it and ate it without breaking eye contact. “I guess they’re coming here then.” Even as she spoke Maud suddenly lost herself in his green eyes.

“Eeyup. Safer that way.” Big Mac felt some heat rising in his cheeks as he took in the beauty in front of him.

Maud pulled a rock out of her pocket. “What do you think?” She listened for a bit and then nodded. “Boulder agrees.”

“Eeyup.”

The two took one step closer, hearts racing and butterflies filling their stomachs. “I love her,” he thought.

“I love him,” she thought.

And then they fu-

“Okay, Dusty, you got this. Nice and easy.” Lightning Dust repeated the mantra over and over to herself as she took in the controls in front of her. “Oil gauge. Emergency break. Air conditioning. Heater. Defroster. Gas. Brake. Speedometer. Check engine light-” she froze. “Check engine light? Crap.”

She was distracted by the door opening again. “Is Rainbow okay,” Minuette asked.

“She seemed very upset,” Lyra agreed.

“Don’t worry, I’m a doctor,” Dr. Hooves said dismissively.

Lightning rolled her eyes. “I’m sure she’s fine.”

Minuette shifted on her hooves nervously. “Are you sure you can fly this plane all by yourself?”

Lightning gave a confident snort. “Of course I do!” Sensing the tension in the cockpit, she sighed. “Here, why don’t I turn on the radio.” She pressed a button and the plane immediately went into a nosedive as alarm bells started ringing.

With a swear and a few panicked movements, Lightning Dust pulled the plane out of the spin. Behind her, all the ponies had been thrown into a heap against each other. “Lightning,” Minuette hissed.

“Sorry!” Lightning flipped some switches and pressed some buttons. “Oh, can one of you check on the engine for me? It shouldn’t be a problem, but I want to make sure.”

Lyra rolled her eyes, getting to her hooves. “Yeah, I can do it. Just please don’t crash the plane, Lightning.”

“Don’t worry, I’m a doctor.”

Back on the ground, Spitfire took one sip of her cider before throwing the bottle aside. “I don’t like it one bit. I wish there was something I could do, but I can’t do anything unless we can get Rainbow on the line.”

Redheart nodded, taking a pull from her own bottle before throwing it aside. “Red says that the tower manager agrees, there’s no chance in landing them anywhere else. Ponyville Airport is their only shot.”

Spitfire nodded glumly. “Right. I don’t trust Lightning to be able to land. We’ve grounded everything else, right? Let’s keep them circling until Rainbow gets her head out of her ass. They should have more than enough fuel to do that.” She pulled another bottle from the fridge and took a drink before discarding it.

Someone politely cleared their throat. “Miss Red? You mind if Ah take a break?”

Redheart blinked. “Oh yeah, Fiddlesticks, sure. Take five..”

Fiddlesticks smiled and nodded, setting her fiddle aside. She trotted over to the bin of line breaks and grabbed five line breaks, putting them in her pocket.

Spitfire drank from a new bottle again. “So we still don’t know about that cargo?”

“We’re still trying to contact Princess Twilight Sparkle,” Redheart replied, helping herself to a new bottle. She flinched when Big Macintosh tapped her on the shoulder. “What’s up, Red?”

“Airplane One, but that ain’t important,” he replied. “Look.” He pointed to one of the television screens.

“Good morning and welcome to the now-o-clock news,” the anchor was saying. “I’m your anchor Willy Not That Upset About It. We are getting word now that there is currently an airplane in trouble over Ponyville. The plane is said to be gray in color with white stripes on the side and we are unsure of its model. Captain Shining Armor has stated the the Royal Guards are monitoring the situation. Now to our Braytish correspondent Collin The Police, Collin?”

The feed cut to another pony in front of the airport. “Pip pip, cheerio! Yes, we have just confirmed that plane is in fact grey in colour, and we are waiting for a statement from officials. We do not have a number of passengers or a flight number yet, but we do know the flight is coming from Canterlot. The pilots have been stricken with an unnamed medical emergency but are said to be alive. The plane is being flown by two former military pilots. There has been no further statement from Captain Armour or the guards.”

Redheart groaned in despair. “Great, now we have to deal with the press. Red, go take care of it.”

Big Mac sighed and nodded, leaving the room.

Spitfire sighed, staring at the bottom of her bottle. “Great. Now all of our careers and their lives are on the line.”

Redheart nodded grimly. “Let’s hope Rainbow gets it together.”

Rainbow was sulking in a seat, brimming with anger. Some of the seats in the cabin had been rearranged into a circle, with Minuette apparently leading the discussion. She reached over and gently tapped Rainbow’s shoulder. “Why don’t you tell us about it, Rainbow?”

“It’s stupid,” she grumbled. “Spitfire doesn’t believe that I can land this plane. None of them do! They all think I’m going to buck it up somehow and crash.”

Minuette clicked her tongue and shook her head. “Now, now, Rainbow, you know that isn’t true.”

The pegasus sulked in her seat, groaning. “It sure does feel like it.” She sighed, running a hoof through her mane. “Maybe they’re right anyways. Lightning’s probably more up to date on procedures than I am. And she’s not a nervous wreck on planes anyways. I don’t know. As soon as I heard Spitfire’s voice, I was back in the Wonderbolts, crashing all over again.”

Minuette nodded and scribbled a note in her clipboard. “Okay, let’s open the floor for discussion.”

Octavia cleared her throat and spoke up first. “I confess that I don’t know you all that well. However, from what I have heard from some of the nobles around Canterlot, your bravery and courage is something to be admired. I wouldn’t put my life in the hooves of anypony else.”

Daring Do adjusted her pith helmet and nodded. “Dash, you’re better than this. Come on, where’s your sense of adventure? And when have you ever cared for things like procedures? That’s not the mare I took with me on the adventure to the Temple of Vines!”

“Y’know, my cousin speaks highly of you,” Braeburn added. “It’s kinda annoyin’, really, but Ah like to think that she’s a pretty good judge of character. If she believes in you, then consarnit, Ah’ll believe in you.”

“I must say, the fates of the universe do appear to align in your favor. After all, you have successfully maneuvered this aerocraft thus far without any major incident, and given your previous victories achieved in the face of nearly certain defeat, I do believe that you possess the skills necessary to land,” Sparkler declared, polishing her monocle.

“Yeah, you got this,” cheered Dinky as she hugged Rainbow.

“⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀‘ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀,⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀,⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀; (⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀), ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀!” said Vinyl. Everypony erupted in cheers at that inspiring statement.

Minuette nodded, speaking up. “Dashie, we may not know each other very well, but let me just say that I think anypony willing to get on a plane and deal with their greatest fear is incredibly brave. And that’s the kind of pony we need right now. A brave one.”

All eyes turned to Doctor Hooves, who thought for a minute before speaking. “Don’t worry. I’m a doctor!”

Rainbow smiled at the passenger’s words, her confidence returning. “Yeah. Yeah! Wow, thanks guys!”

Minuette frowned. “Thanks for what?”

“Everything you said!”

“What did I say?”

Rainbow frowned before something caught her eye. “Ohmygosh! Daring Do?! When’d you get here- wait, you’ve always been here.”

Daring Do gasped. “Oh no! The statue of Nameless the Unnameable, who used to be a king! The effects are taking hold!” She flew over to Rainbow and shook her. “Rainbow, we have to land as soon as possible, otherwise the effects could be permanent!”

With a nod, Rainbow flew off towards the cockpit.

“What were we saying?”

“Huh?”

“Who are you again?”

In the cargo hold, Lyra went over to the engine hatch and pulled it open. She shone her flashlight into the dark. “Doing alright down there?”

“Oh, not really. Terribly sorry to bother you, I understand there’s a lot going on right now,” the engine replied.

“It’s no problem,” Lyra said. “You are the most important thing on the plane right now.”

The engine chuckled. “Ah, you flatter me.”

“It’s true! Anyways, what’s the problem?”

“I was just feeling a little bit lonely is all,” the engine answered. “Captain Punch is usually very careful about the oil pressure. I guess she forgot about me when she didn’t check it.”

Lyra frowned and put a hoof on the engine’s cover. “Hey now, don’t be like that. There’s a new pilot up in the cockpit, that’s all. And Rainbow’s doing her best, but she’s a little bit distracted. I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings.”

The engine nodded, noticing the lyre in Lyra’s pocket. “Are you a musician by chance?”

“That I am! Would you like me to play you something?”

“If it isn’t too much trouble.”

Lyra smiled. “Not at all!” She held the lyre in her hooves and sat down, strumming a few chords before breaking into song.

“Can we watch the Mareplanes up in the sky, as they block the stars?
Ireally could take a flight right now,
Flight right now, flight right now,
Can we watch the Mareplanes up in the sky, as they block the stars?
I really could take a flight right now,
Flight right now, flight right now.”

Discord suddenly appeared, with a backwards cap and sunglasses as he began rapping.

“Yo, if I could turn back time there’s only one thing that I wish:
To make everything so much simpler than it is,
‘Cause now with all these planes as they’re burnin’ and crashin,’
It’s happenin’ so much but it’s gettin’ out of fashion,
And everypony’s panickin’ in the madness,
Before we crash and our vision fades to blackness,
And nobody’s even listenin’ to this rap,
‘Cause when it comes to lyrics in stories readers don’t give a crap.
But that’s just how the story gets told,
And by time time you finish readin’ everyone is gettin’ old,
And when you wake up in the mornin’ and you can’t find your pants,
What would you think if you never got the chance?
So mareplane, mareplane, keep flyin,’ don’t wait,
You’re on your way and you can’t be late,
And if you burn out and crash tonight,
At least you’ll do it burning out in flight.”

Discord dropped the mic and disappeared.

The engine wiped a tear from its eye. “That was beautiful. Thank you so much.”

“Any time,” Lyra said. “Now get out there and take us home!”

The engine nodded and opened the emergency door, leaping out and attaching itself back to the underside of the wing.

Back in the cockpit, the check engine light went off. Lightning Dust gave a fist pump. “Buck yeah, Lyra! Nice job!”

“This is Princess Twilight Sparkle, calling for Ponyville Airport’s Dispatching center. Yes. Yes, I’ll hold.”

The University of Canterlot wasn’t quite as busy as it usually was, but there were still several students running about and running into walls.

Twilight’s brother, Shining Armor, frowned as he shuffled through some reports. “Can you put the phone down for a second, Twi?”

“No, they told me to hold it.”

“Then just listen. Are you absolutely sure that the effects of the statue of Nameless the Unnameable, who used to be a king, are not permanent?”

“Yes and no,” Twilight explained. “You see, the effects are emitted from the statue and linger in the area before they fade away. However, in a closed space like an airplane, the effects can’t disappear easily because all the air is trapped inside.”

Shining Armor sighed. “Then it’s a threat to national security, I’m afraid.”

They were interrupted when Moon Dancer entered the room and offered them coffee.

As Twilight took a sip, she frowned at her brother’s statement. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that we need to recover that artifact as soon as possible. Can you imagine what it could do in the wrong hooves?”

“Why didn’t you have the guards take it form Daring Do before she boarded the flight then,” Moon Dancer asked.

Shining Armor looked into the camera. “Because that’s exactly what she’d expect us to do.”

“Bad news,” Redheart said as she trotted over to Spitfire. “The circling plan is a no go. Canterlot says that if they stay up there with that statue for too long, the passengers might have some permanent psychological damage. It’s imperative they land immediately.”

Spitfire frowned, taking off her sunglasses. “I’d rather have them alive. If we can’t get Rainbow Dash back in the cockpit, Celestia knows what will happen.”

Celestia shook her head. “I’m afraid not even I know what will happen, my little pony.”

Spitfire sighed, staring out the window. A bolt of lightning illuminated the entire airfield. “Maybe I was too harsh on her,” she said.

“Well, you only want the best,” Private First Class Soarin’ said, laying a hoof on her shoulder. “And Rainbow is under a lot of pressure right now.”

“Yeah, but what about back then? Was I too hard back then?”

They were interrupted when a mare burst through the door. “What’s going on?! I demand to know! My wife is on that flight!”

Nurse Redheart stepped forward to intercept the tearful mare. “Bon Bon! Calm down!”

“Is Lyra alright? I heard something happened to the flight crew!” Bon Bon wiped the tears from her eyes.

Spitfire stepped forwards and wrapped a wing around the distraught mare. “Now now, don’t fret. The flight attendants are fine, it’s the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator who were hurt. They’ll all be fine.”

Bon Bon nodded, leaning on Spitfire for support. “But who’s flying the plane?”

“An old friend of mine,” Spitfire said. She paused, hugging Bon Bon a bit more tightly. “Are you worried about your wife?”

“Yes, yes of course.”

“I see.” Spitfire sighed. “Have you ever been to Amareica?”

Redheart pulled Caramel aside. “We need to bump that press conference up, is Red ready?”

“I think Red is as ready as Red can be. I had Red read through the reports, and I think after Red read them he spoke with Reed, so he should be more than ready.”

“Bon Bon, have you ever seen a griffon covered in chocolate syrup?”

Redheart nodded. “Good. Bump it up to now. This misinformation is going to hurt us, we need to get the facts out there.”

“Bon Bon, have you ever been arrested by the Gendermarei and been sent to a Prance prison?”

Redheart looked out the window as a thunderclap sounded. “The sooner this is over with, the better.”

Outside, a group of reporters had gathered around a podium, where Big Macintosh stood.

“Sir,” said the first reporter. “Can you tell me the model of the airplane?”

“What,” Big Macintosh answered.

The reporters blinked in confusion. “What’s the model of the airplane,” the reporter asked again.

“Eeyup.”

There were murmurs of confusion. “Eeyup is the model of the airplane?”

“Ennope.”

“So what’s the model?’

“Eeyup!”

“What about the callsign,” asked another reporter.

“The Airplane One.”

“Yes, what’s the callsign of the airplane.”

“No, what’s the model of the airplane,” Big Mac corrected.

The reporter blinked in confusion. “You never told us.”

Big Mac sighed. “Nnope. Ah told you, What’s the model of the airplane.”

“You’re not making sense,” the first reporter said, throwing his hooves up in frustration. “That’s why I’m asking you! What’s the model of the airplane?”

“Eeyup!”

“Sorry, what’s the callsign of the airplane?” asked another equally confused reporter.

“Nnope! What’s the model of the airplane!”

“I’m not asking about the model, I’m asking about the callsign!”

“The Airplane One!”

“Yes, yes, yes! What’s the callsign of the airplane?”

“No, what’s the model of the airplane!” Big Mac slammed a hoof into his forehead. Stupid reporters.

Rainbow Dash burst into the cockpit, causing Lightning Dust to jump up and hit her head on the ceiling. “Rainbow! Thank Celestia you’re here,” she said. “I mean, not that I can’t fly this plane by myself, but I have no idea how to fly this plane by myself!”

“Neither can I,” Rainbow confessed. “I’m going to need your help to land this thing.” She extended a hoof. “So let’s stop this stupid rivalry. Friends?”

Lightning nodded and shook her hoof. “Friends.”

With a confident grin, Rainbow put on her headset. “Airplane One to Ground, this is Rainbow. We need to land this plane as soon as possible, some of the passengers are ill.”

On the ground, Spitfire scrambled over to the radio. “Glad to have you back Rainbow. You are clear to begin your approach to Ponyville, you should see us shortly.”

Lightning pressed a few buttons. “The gear is down, and we’re ready to land.”

Spitfire whipped her head around. “Turn on all runway nights except for niner!”

“Why not niner,” Raindrops asked, confused.

“Because turning on niner is what they expect us to do,” Spitfire remarked, looking into the camera. “Come on, let’s get up in the tower!”

In the cockpit, Rainbow squinted through the windshield before finally locating the bright lights of the runway. “There it is!”

Spitfire, Redheart, Soarin,’ Bon Bon, Caramel, and Big Mac quickly teleported into the control tower. A noble looking pony approached them. “Hello. I am Prince Blueblood, I hold a double certificate in airplane guidance and navigation as well as a degree in psychoanalysis from the University of Freeport.”

“Redheart from dispatch. I’ve got a medical degree and am a registered RN for Ponyville Hospital as well as a doctorate in philosophy and a minor in linguistics,” Redheart said.

“Big Mac. Ah went fishing once.”

“This is Captain Spitfire, she’s going to talk them through the landing.”

Spitfire went over to the window, squinting through her sunglasses. She saw a set of bright lights up in the sky and pointed them out with her hoof. “There they are!”

Redheart went over to the public address system. “Okay, emergency vehicles cleared for runway number one. Police and Royal Air Commission use number two. Ambulances and fire trucks take number three. Royal Investigative Service and Royal Tax Service, number four. Royal Guards, number five.”

Up in the cockpit, Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. “Okay, here we go.”

“Just like we trained,” Lightning said.

“Yep. Just like we trained.”

Lightning glanced at Rainbow nervously. “Hey, Dash?”

“Yeah?”

“Whatever happens, I just want you to know that I love you.”

“Okay. Love you too- wait.” Rainbow pulled off her headset and bore an unreadable look into her. “What?”

Lightning gulped and fidgeted nervously. “Uh, I mean, you know. If we die and stuff, I don’t want you to die alone and unloved.”

“Who said I’m going to die unloved?”

“Look, forget it, maybe just focus on landing?”

Rainbow considered this before shaking her head. “No, this is going to bug me the whole time. What do you mean you love me?”

The conversation paused when Doctor Hooves, Lyra, and Minuette entered the cockpit, Minuette taking the door off its hinges and hitting Lyra with it.

“We just came to say good luck,” Minuette said with a smile. “We’re all counting on you.”

“The engine’s running again,” Lyra said. “Having the fourth engine should make landing easier.”

“Don’t worry,” Doctor Hooves said. “I’m a doctor.”

Rainbow nodded. “Thanks guys. You better get to your seats, this might get bumpy.” As the three left the cockpit, Rainbow turned her attention back to her copilot. “Now go back to what you said-”

“Rainbow, watch your crosswind!” Sptifire’s shout made Rainbow flinch. She pulled her headset back on before mouthing ‘this isn’t over’ to Lightning.

“Copy.”

Spitfire chewed her lip nervously. A telescope had been set up to offer her a better view of the plane.

“Alright Rainbow, this is it. This is just another landing, nothing we haven’t done before. Once you touch down, you’re going to need to pull the brake lever. It’s the red handle on your right. If that doesn’t work, turn on the emergency brakes by flicking the switch above the copilot’s head. If that doesn’t stop you, nothing will.”

Rainbow nodded, a bead of sweat dripping down her forehead. “Here we go.” She pulled the plane down, and it began to descend.

“Artificial horizon six degrees,” Lightning said. “Breaking through the cloud cover now.”

“Adjust your left wing by ten degrees,” Spitfire instructed.

Rainbow made the necessary correction, wiping sweat from her brow.

“You’re coming in too hot! Ease off!”

Panicked thoughts flew through Rainbows mind. Her heart was racing and her breath quickened as the tarmac grew closer and closer.

“Crosswind! Crosswind!”

The entire plane suddenly lurched to the right. “Damn! Readjusting!”

In the tower, Blueblood went over to the radar. “She’s holding fifty thousand. No, down to twenty thousand- no, back up to forty. Holding forty- down to twenty!”

“You’re too low, damn it!”

Dr. Hooves stuck his head in the cockpit. “Don’t worry, I’m a doctor,” he said before leaving.

“Too fast, Rainbow,” Lightning shouted.

“Pull your nose up,” Spitfire shouted. “Put down fifty degrees of flap on your left wing. Ease off the throttle!”

“She’s all over the place,” Blueblood grumbled. “Up to ninety thousand, back to fifty, up to seventy… what an asshole!”

The plane dove again, and Bon Bon screamed. “Easy,” Spitfire said. “Less flap on the left, lower the nose. Sound your alarm!”

At the sound of the alarm, Minuette stood in the cabin. “Alright everypony, this is it. Fasten your seatbelts and put on your life jackets. It’s been an honor flying with you all. Get in crash positions.”

“Coming up fast,” Lightning shouted.

Rainbow nodded, gripping the wheel tighter.

“Focus on the far end of the runway,” Spitfire said. “Aim your nose at the numbers. Still too low!”

Rainbow slammed a hoof on the PA system. “Brace for impact!”

“They’re coming right at us,” Blueblood screamed as he jumped out the window.

“Come on, come on,” Spitfire muttered, gripping the radio. Bon Bon was sobbing into her coat.

Redheart held her breath as the plane got lower and lower.

Big Macintosh sneezed.

In the plane’s cabin, Minuette and Lyra nodded. “Head down, stay down,” they chanted. “Brace, brace, brace!”

“I LOVE YOU, RAINBOW,” Lightning Dash screamed.

“DON’T WORRY, I’M A DOCTOR,” Dr. Hooves shouted back.

The plane’s wheels touched the runway. There was a horrible skidding noise as the rubber burned due to the friction. The plane skidded left and right, as Rainbow tried to pull it straight.

“She’s down! She’s down,” Spitfire yelled. She grabbed the radio again. “Brake, Rainbow! The brake!”

Rainbow reached to her right and yanked the lever down. To her horror it came off in her hooves. “Oh, crap!”

“The brake broke,” Lightning said into the radio.

Spitfire’s eyes widened underneath her sunglasses. “What?!”

Rainbow reached above lightning and flicked on the emergency brake. The switch came off in her hoof. “The other brake broke!” Suddenly, she froze. “Brake, brake… wait! Line breaks!”

“What?!”

In a flash, Rainbow threw off her headset and charged into the cabin. She located the mare in question easily due to her hat and cape. “Trixie! How many line breaks can you summon?”

“Trixie can summon as many as she wants, but one good break can get the job done,” she said confidently.

“Good, come on!” The two quickly returned to the cockpit.

“Rainbow, we’re running out of room here,” Lightning shouted frantically. Sure enough, the end of the tarmac was getting closer and closer.

Rainbow turned to Trixie. “Trixie, we need to brake and we need to brake now!”

“Trixie understands.” The magician closed her eyes and lit up her horn.

A line break appeared underneath the plane, wedging itself between the wheel and the ground.

The break slowed the plane down gently, until it rolled to a complete stop.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Spitfire said in awe.

“They did it!” The control tower and dispatch center erupted in cheers.

“We did it,” Lightning breathed in shock.

The door opened again. “Don’t worry,” said Doctor Hooves. “I’m a doctor.”

Soon the plane was swarmed with emergency personnel and vehicles. The airplane staff helped the passengers off the plane while a detachment of Royal Guards secures the statue of Nameless the Unnameable (who used to be a king).

Spitfire and the tower staff met Rainbow at the base of the stairs.

“Crash, that was the worst landing I’ve ever seen,” Spitfire declared. “But damn it, you did it. And that’s good enough for me.”

General Soarin’ nodded. “Great work you all.”

Redheart and Big Macintosh shook hooves with the two. “Crisis averted,” Redheart declared. “Now if you’ll excuse me, my hospital shift is starting.”

Big Mac nodded and turned to see Maud Pie behind him. “Eeyup.” The two trotted off together.

Bon Bon ran up and hugged Lyra. Lyra and Minuette then shared a hug before congratulating Rainbow. “Hey,” Lyra said. “Engine and I are going to go grab a drink, you fellas want to tag along?”

Minuette flashed a smile. “I’d love to.”

Rainbow Dash just smiled as she watched the passengers and crew disperse. Octavia and Vinyl left together, the cellist laughing at her companion’s words. Sparkler, Dinky, and Ditzy flew off together. Braeburn and Daring Do teleported off. Trixie had struck up a conversation with Caramel.

“Hey RD, Dusty, you going to join us?” Lyra’s voice pulled her from her thoughts.

“Pass,” Rainbow decided. “We have some things we need to talk about.”

Rainbow pulled Lightning Dust aside. “So… about some of the stuff you said on the plane.”

Lightning sighed and dropped her eyes to the ground. “I was panicked, okay? I wasn’t thinking straight. But I do admire you a lot, Rainbow. I’ve always looked up to you and all. I guess I just wanted to prove that I was as good as you. And maybe impress you along the way. That’s why I did all that stuff back in the Wonderbolts.”

Rainbow put a hoof on her shoulder. “Hey, it’s fine. You got a second chance after all.”

“What about you? Are you willing to give me a second chance?”

With a smile, Rainbow nodded. “Always. You’re pretty cool yourself, LD.” She gave a happy sigh as she watched Lyra chatting happily with the engine. “Hay, maybe the real lesson we learned wasn’t in the plane we landed, but the friends we made along the way.”

She extended a hoof, and the two shared a hoof bump. “Friends?”

“Friends.”

The two pilots smiled at each other.

And then they fu-

THE END.

Author's Note

Mareplane! has every single joke broken down here.