I'll Take Your Entire Stock
A human living in horse world wasn't so bad, Anon decided. Yeah it was weird at first, being surrounded by a bunch of colorful, talking ponies. But they were friendly enough. And now that there were gryphons, yaks, changelings, dragons and stuff, one more odd species didn't turn heads like it would have a few years ago.
It helped that the creatures here lived in pretty much the same style of houses, rather than stables or something. The sofa he was sitting on was almost identical to the one he had in a very similar living room at home. And even though their body structures were very different, the restroom amenities were inexplicably the same.
He even managed to start dating a kirin that was into having an inter-species relationship. At first he wasn't too keen on banging what he had known for so long as no more than livestock. But after a couple of months of involuntary celibacy, plus the fact that they were at the perfect height, already on all fours, and rarely clothed, the mares around him started to look mighty attractive. The fact that they spoke the same language as him was a convenient bonus. Even so, some things (like idioms) didn't translate perfectly.
"Hey Karen, I've got a Code Brown," Anon said. The kirin sitting next to him looked up from her book and tilted her head at him in confusion because she didn't understand the euphemism.
"What?"
"I gotta go stock the lake with brown trout."
"What?"
"I gotta free the turdles."
"What?"
"I gotta drop the boys off at the pool.
Release a chocolate hostage.
Take the Browns to the Superbowl.
Make a bag of Reese's Feces."
Her confusion only intensified.
"I gotta go take a shit, Karen."
"Oh. Okay. You know Anon, you could just say that you are going to the bathroom," she said. His name wasn't Anon. (It was actually Aaron) But that was what the ponies called him when they first met him and the nickname stuck.
"Obviously that's where I'm going. I'm just letting you know that I'm going to be a while. This high-fiber cuisine you guys have here is doing a real number on me. And speaking of numbers, this order of number two is about ready to get delivered." Anon headed into the bathroom and took a seat on the porcelain throne. He thumbed through the same ratty issue of Fashion Horse Magazine that had been there since he'd moved in. But there was little else to do. And with all the bran in his diet, he knew he was going to be there a while. He lost track of the time, but around when his leg started to fall asleep there was a knock at the door.
"Anon, are you going to be much longer?"
"Yes Karen. This is why I told you before I came in here. Why?"
"Because I need to... um... actually, never mind," she said.
With his task complete a few minutes later, he flushed and washed his hands. Opening the door he looked around for what she was talking about. On the floor of the hallway was a mason jar of liquid. He had tried making his own jars of moonshine after finding out that Applejack's Apple cider was only that, and not the alcoholic variety. Months of sobriety had driven him to desperate measures, trying to ferment potatoes. But all he managed to do was make himself sick. But when he picked up the jar, he could already smell it.
The unmistakable aroma of hops and barley. It was a lager of some kind, or maybe even an ale. The jar was lukewarm, but that was okay. He'd been to some pubs in Britain that served their beer warm. He brought the jar to his lips and sipped it. There was no doubting that it was beer. He took a bigger gulp and got that same heady rush from the alcohol. It was bliss. He wasn't even mad that she had been holding out on him this whole time.
"Holy shit, Karen, this is delicious!" Anon shouted as he walked out into the living room with the jar.
"What?"
"This!" he said pointing at the jar. "I haven't had this in forever! It's the best!"
She watched as Anon lifted the jar to his mouth and chugged the rest of it.
"You... just drank that," she said. She stared at him with her mouth agape.
"Fucking delicious!" he said. "Hit me up buttercup!" He waved the jar at her.
"What?"
"More please. Now," he said impatiently, still waving the jar at her.
"You... drank that. And you like it?"
"Like it? Like it!? Listen babe, I like you. I like having sex with you. But this? This is my first love! I used to have it all the time back home. You have no idea how much I've missed it! So, like I said, refill. Now please."
"Fresh out, I'm afraid."
"Wha- you only had the one pint!?" he asked.
"Sorry."
"Well- when can I get some more!?" he asked.
"I... I can work on making some more as soon as I can." she said.
"Wait- wait! You made it!?" he asked.
"Yeah. Obviously."
"So I can have all I want for free!?"
"I... guess?"
"Alright well come on! Make some more!"
"It... takes time."
"Oh, right right," he said, with a vague concept in his mind about brewing beer. "Well just let me know as soon as you have some more for me."
"Okay... will do."
Later that evening, Karen brought him some more. "Um... here you go," she said, giving him the jar.
"Sweet!" He took the jar from her. It was warm in his hand. "Do you always make it warm?"
"Yeah. Obviously," she said.
"Oh. Well I just usually prefer it cold."
"I... could put it in the fridge for you."
"You can put the rest in the fridge. I'll take this one as is." Anon drank the entire jar right in front of her. "Actually, I guess I'll take the next one right now, too."
"That was all there was," she said.
"What?"
"Well there's only so much I can make by myself. If you want more, I'd have to invite over my old friends from my village."
"Hey, whatever you gotta do girl! Enlist as much help as you need. I'll take all I can get of this stuff!"
The next day, Anon went to to work at his job in town, getting the 'up high' things in the supermarket for earth ponies. At home, Karen had invited over every marefriend she could contact from her old kirin village.
"Seriously? He drinks it?" one of her friends asked.
"He loves it. Can't get enough of it," Karen answered. "I'm only one mare, I can't keep up! That's why I asked you all here."
After an awkward conversation, they eventually agreed to help out and contributed as much as they could. They put what they had in the fridge to chill before Anon got home.
"Oh, hello ladies," he greeted upon seeing the guests as he walked in the front door. "Did you all come over to help Karen?" he asked.
"Karen?" one of them asked.
"It's his pet name for me," Karen said. 'Karen' was what he called the Kirin when he first met her and the nickname stuck. Turnabout was only fair after all. "Yes. They all helped. It's in the fridge," Karen said. Anon walked past the group to the fridge and opened the door. Inside was a tall pitcher nearly filled to the brim.
"Oh ho ho YES!" he grinned and took it out, setting it on the kitchen counter and he poured himself a tall glass. Every eye in the room watched him as he brought it up to his mouth. Karen was used to it now, but the rest grimaced as they watched him drink it quickly, pouring himself another glass. "Oh, ladies! Fantastic!"
"I can't stay here and watch this," one muttered. The rest agreed and started to leave. Karen caught them at the door.
"Gals, please!" Karen begged. "I need your help! Can you at least come by and-"
"I'm not doing that here again. You can come by and pick it up," one of them said. The others agreed.
"Fine. That's good enough," Karen said, bidding them farewell. She walked back into the kitchen.
"So are they going to keep making more?" he asked.
"All you can drink," Karen sighed.
"Sweet!" He walked over to her. "You're the best, babe!" He leaned in to kiss her and she recoiled out of his arm. "Oh. I guess you don't like smelling it on my breath."
"You've guessed right!" she said, covering her mouth with her hoof. He walked over to the counter and poured himself a third glass, starting to feel buzzed.
"You know what we should do!? We should sell this stuff!" he said. She blanched.
"What!? I don't think anypony beside you would want this!"
"Yeah they do! We'd make a fortune! There are entire businesses around selling this stuff back home!"
"If you say so," Karen said.
"Leave it to me! I got this!" he said.
Karen walked across town with her cart and discreet, plain, wooden box to store everything as she made her collection rounds to her friends' houses. All of the full jugs clattered together as she made her way back home. Anon was already industrious as he nailed together several boards and planks to make a market stand.
"Two bits a glass?" Karen asked as she read the signage.
"Yeah! Except between five an six in the evening. Then it's one bit. That's a little thing I like to call Happy Hour!" he said. "Go ahead and put all that in the second fridge."
"Second?"
"Yeah. It's an investment if we're gonna have more of it," he said.
"Well that's good. I didn't want to keep storing this with the rest of the food anyway."
Anon made the finishing touches to the market stand, including a set of wheels to get it to the town market the next day. He headed inside and check the new fridge. All the jugs were inside and already cold by then. He opened each one and took a sip.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Product testing," he said. "I've got to say, each one is just a little different."
"Well yeah. They were each made by a different friend," she said.
"Makes sense. Which one is yours?"
"The one in the top left corner," she said. She watched him take hers out last to taste test.
"Ah, I've got to say, yours still tastes the best!" he said. Karen blushed.
"Thank you?" she said nervously. "That's flattering, I guess." What a strange thing it would be for her to brag about to her friends.
"Alright. I gotta lay off now. Can't be eating into my own profits now can I? Or rather, drinking! Am I right?"
"Heh. Good luck at the market tomorrow," she said.
Anon stood proud at his market stand.
Beer: Two Bits
Mayor Mare and Princess Twilight Sparkle herself came through before the market opened to see what the human was so excited about peddling. She took out her permit certificate and looked at his sign.
"What is... beer?" Mayor Mare asked.
"THIS is beer," he said, pointing at the jar on the market stand counter in front of him. "Happiness in a jar! One drink and the world gets a little less rough around the edges. It helps you unwind after a hard, stressful day and relax."
"Is it a potion?" Twilight asked cautiously.
"No. It works like a potion. Except it's all natural! No magic involved! It's liquid courage! After a few of these, even the most shy introvert could be up on stage dancing and singing karaoke, ready to ask out their crush on a date!"
"Hmm, what's the catch?" she asked.
"Well you might not feel so great the next day if you have too many. And also if you have too many, it could lead to some poor life decisions. But hey, that's half the fun!"
"It sounds like it could be the cause of a lot of problems," Twilight said sternly.
"The cause of, and solution to- ALL of life's problems!" Anon said. He opened a jar of his own and took several large gulps and smiled. His boisterous sales pitch, along with the presence of Princess Twilight and the mayor, had gained the attention of nearly everypony in the marketplace. A crowd gathered around waiting to see if the princess would issue him a sales permit.
"Alright, I guess I'll have to try it then," Mayor Mare said. She paid him two bits and opened the jar on the counter to take a drink.
And immediately vomited. Hard.
Not just the beer, but also her breakfast from earlier, and traces of the previous night's dinner. Even the air as she dry-heaved into the dirt.
"IT'S PISS!" she screamed.
"Heh! Looks like we've got a critic," Anon laughed nervously. "Look I know beer isn't for everypony but there's no need to call it names like that."
"No I mean it's literally piss!" Mayor Mare gagged and staggered over to the juice stand nearby, grabbing two bottles. Washing her mouth out with the first, and then drinking the other. "Ugh! By the stars! I can still taste it!" she yelled.
Twilight Sparkle carefully levitated the jar and inspected it. She wafted it a bit and her nose scrunched up and she gagged.
"Anon, why are you trying to sell urine!?" Twilight asked. Anon grabbed the jar from her and smelled it. It had the same aromas of classic beer with hops and barley that he had always known.
"It's beer! I swear to god!" Anon defended, taking a drink. Mayor Mare retched again. Even Twilight turned a shade of green watching him drink it.
"Call it whatever you want, Anon. You can't sell pee!" Twilight covered her nose with her hoof. "Ugh! Kirin pee by the smell of it."
"What!?"
"Yeah. You can tell from their diet of hops and barley. The natural yeast flora in their kidneys metabolize the sugars into ethanol, which is poisonous!" Twilight explained.
"Ethanol is the best kind of poison though! That's how you get fucked up!" Anon said.
"Get it the hell out of here!" Mayor Mare screamed.
Dejected, Anon packed up his cart. Ponies snickered and sneered as he left the marketplace. "I can't believe he drank that!" He pushed it all the way back home.
He threw open the front door and ran inside. There was Karen, in the middle of the kitchen floor, squatting over a jug with a funnel.
"Karen! What are you doing!?" he yelled.
"Saving my pee in a jug for you to drink," she said matter-of-factly.
It was true. Kirin beer was pee. But that also meant... kirin pee was beer.
Free beer.
It didn't bother him as much as he expected it to. He shrugged.
"Fuck it. Do you mind if I drink straight from the tap?"
