I sat in a dark room. It was well past midnight and although I was so tired, I was wide awake. I could not sleep. Tonight was cold and wet outside, even being indoors, I could still feel the coolness of the outside world. Thanksgiving had just past, and people went out going shopping for Christmas today.
I did too. I had a nice week off from hell. I never really ever want to go back to school, but I have to anyways. So I bite my lip and do as I should like any good little girl. But I didn’t have to worry about that just yet. No. Although I would have love to have it as a reason to go to sleep. I should, cause I know I’ll be grumpy in the morning if I don’t. Yet I just can’t right now.
I can’t keep my mind off of her. I am told time, and time again to ignore her, but I just can’t. I have tried, I really did! I just can’t for the life of me ever ignore her, better yet forget about her. She is my everything l, my world, and I love her more than anything.
I begin to think about her. I have been for the past few minutes, but now I just can’t ignore these thoughts. So I give in, I can’t fight it anymore, and I don’t want to fight it. Sometimes I just have to cry. Tonight was one of those nights.
“Mom?” I say into the darkness. My phone dim glow is the only source of light in the room. I cannot talk to her. But I have made I use this text thing to text her my feelings, even though I know that she’ll never see them. I have no other choice but to write them out. “Mom?” I repeat the word.
Tears fell down from my eyes, I could no longer contain them. “I miss you Mom.” I say out loud as I type in the text. “I love you.” I put down the phone and just let the tears fall down. I didn’t even care that they were soaking my night shirt. My red and blonde hair getting wet and slick from the sides.
“I’m so sorry Mom.” I am no longer texting. I move to hold myself tight in the dark. I speak out loud to myself the things that I wish I could tell her. “I’m sorry.”
She is not dead. My mom. No, she is very much alive. But, I did something to drive her away. Me and my stupid self. I drove away the most important being in this world.
I have always been a troubled little pony when I was going to Celestia’s Magic School for Gifted Unicorns. The other ponies would always pink on me, call me names, and make fun of me. I had always had an issue with my speech, and although I have pretty much grown out of the development, it is something that I always hated about myself. I blamed it for me not making very many friends.
I was never born with stuttering, but it developed when I got into school. I was not retarted, but the kids would use my speech problem as an excuse to call me that. Theyd also say that I was ugly, that I was fat, that I wasn’t good enough. They said it so much that I began to believe their words. Momma was always there for me though. She would always say the opposite, that I was perfect in her eyes, and I believed her.
When I started the upper levels, grade 7 my life became rougher. I got accepted to be by the Princess’s side and I hade other unicorns try their best to take me down for it. I did my best to not let them get to me. I tried to ignore them, I’d tell the teachers and the headmares, but no one seemed to care. Nothing ever happened and Celestia was always too busy to spare me a moment. I tried to tell her once, but she got rushed into an emergency meeting and she forgot all about it. When she did have a moment I felt like I would be too much of a burden to tell her what was going on that I kept it all to myself.
I would cry myself to sleep. I felt so disgusting, I’d hit my stomach with so much anger and frustration because I didn’t feel skinny enough. I would force myself not to eat. Yet there’d be days that I’d eat 6-7 meals a day because I felt so hungry and then I’d be so angry with myself for giving in to the food. At times I’d go as far as forcing myself to puke. I didn’t feel pretty. I didn’t feel worthy. I didn’t feel anything. I felt so alone and I had no way to contact any pony for help. I felt so trapped. I would even hit myself, make myself bruise because I felt like I deserved such pain. I hated every bit of myself.
One day, I got an anonymous message. It said that I should kill myself. I stared at the message for a very long time. I wanted to say something back but I couldn’t. I also didn’t feel like telling anyone. I deleted the message. But i could not delete it from my mind.
In fact, after that I had so many thoughts of suicide. I would invent a thousand different ways to do it everyday. It was a constant thought. One day, I just had enough....
I had been given some medicine for migraine headaches months before. I grabbed a hold of that bottle and took a giant hoof full out. I stared at it for a very long time. I contemplated everything. My family, my friends, and I felt so unappreciated by everyone. No one seemed to care. I felt like a burden to them all. What else did I have to live for? They would probably be better off without me. Those were the thoughts that went through my mind. Then with my mind made up, I gave no more hesitation and I shoved the pills into my mouth, stuck my hoof under the kitchen sink in which I was standing in front of, and drank a hoof full of water. That wasn’t all though. No, I really wanted to die so bad, I took another huge hoof full of pills and shoved it all into my mouth. Those pills were ibuprofens, 600 mil grams each. I had just taken 30 of them.
I’ll tell you right now, my life change instantly. As soon as the deed was done my life had changed. I didn’t know it at the time, but as I think the events over and over and over and over again, my life completely changed.
I was sent to the ER. The effects were so fast that it began to work in about ten minutes. I literally walked into the ER, I got the quil, wrong down my name, and all the sudden as I was about to write down my birthday, my brain was gone. My memory was fuzzy and I could not remember what my birthday was.
I didn’t have to though. The people came not a moment later and they took me into a room. I walked there, and it felt as if I was walking with drunk goggles on, but like amp up them things times 10 and that would be what it was like for me to even walk. My head felt so heavy. Like a pound of bricks.
I had to change into a hospital gown and then they later me down and put in two IV’s and two blood pressures on my. They also hooked me up to a heart monitor. My body got very numb. My jaw was numb, my teeth hurt, I could feel my heart racing about ten hundred miles per second. I could actually feel the blood rushing up and down my body. My eyes were red and shaking. I don’t know how long I was there like that, but I know it was long. A mare came and asked me questions, I don’t even remember what they were but they were questions that got me into a mental hospital. I really didn’t know what she was saying. So everything she asked I pretty much just nodded my head.
While all of this was happening, I didn’t know that my mom was freaking out over me. In fact I would learn about this later on in my life from my siblings. I truly didn’t think that she cared about me, and honestly I was so blind, so dumb and I deserve everything that is happening to me now for it. My sister came that night to see me, and I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHO SHE WAS! I didn’t know her name, nothing! I lost my sense of memory.
I went to sleep, knocked out from the events. I was woken up and the hospital sent me away in an ambulance. Before I left, I remember Mom telling me, “It’s going to be alright honey. We’ll get through this together, don’t worry.” My mom rode with me in the vehicle that day. They put me in the mental place for one week. It was meant to be three days, but I ended up being there for a week.
I regretted everything immediately. I missed my home that very same day. It was not that the ponies that worked there were horrible, but the place is just so traumatizing. All I could think about was home. There was literally not a moment when I did not think about going home. I only kept my hopes up because of her. All until Wednesday. 6 days after. I called Mom. “Hey Mom.” I tried not to cry, I wanted nothing more than to run up to her and hug her tight. I wanted her to tell me that it was going to be alright. What came next shocked me. “Sunset, how long are you staying there?”
“Um I don’t know yet, Mom they tell me that I’ll probably get out Friday.” I told her. But I knew that this wasn’t a good phone call. The tone in her voice was.....nothing any child should ever hear from their mother. “I think you should stay there longer. You belong there.” She says, her voice cracking.
WHAT?! “W-What?” Was all I could say. I immediately began to panic. “I think you should stay there longer. A year. You belong there.” She goes on.
WHAT? WHATS GOING ON? NO! NO! NO! “Mom, no. Please, I don’t want to be here Mom.” I tell her, i am doing my very best not to bawl into tears. Like I am fighting to sound as calm and as okay as possible, but I could not hide the emotions in my voice.
“I think you should. You are crazy. You wanted to be there. You don’t want to be here anymore. And you almost caused your dad to have a heart attack. I don’t think you should come back home.” She continues.
I don’t even know how I manage to not burst into tears. I am literally taking deep, huge breaths, doing whatever it took not to cry. Them workers always have an eye on you and if they see you cry, they’ll try to force pills down your throat. “M-mom, no. Please, Mom I’m sorry. I’m okay now. I’m all better now. I want to go home.”
“Well think about it, cause I’m not picking you up. Goodby Sunset.” She said.
“G-goodby.” I hung up. Lucky for me, it was my turn to take a shower, so I grabbed my stuff, walked into the bathroom, turned on the water, got in and cried silently to myself. I did got released in Friday, I went home with my sister. I continued to go to school and focus on my studies, but Mom kept me out of her life. The few times that I’ve tried to contact her were shunned away by her telling me to go away. To not ever call her again. To not ever go back home again. She even went as far as to try to press harassment charges on me for trying to get contact of her. It was fruitless since I was only 16 at the time, but it happened. She even tried to send me to a crazy house. But I was lucky, they refused me because I was a suicidal, not that other kind of trouble.
I couldn’t take anymore of it, and so I ran through that mirror. I had read about it in Celestia’s forbidden library. I remember what it did, I abandoned my studies to study that. Once I felt I was ready, I went through.
I’ve tried to go back and see her, but she has always shunned me. Shut me out of her life.
It’s been a year now. She still won’t talk to me. She still shuts me out of her life. I do have contact of Dad, but when I ask about her, he tells me that she is not the same. That she is just a shell of what she used to be.
Tonight I sit here, looking down idly at my phone, tears streaming down my face, my nose is runny, and I just sit there and cry. “It’s all my fault.” I say to myself. “I ruined everything.” My voice was nothing but a strained whisper. ‘I am so sorry Mom. It is all my fault. Yet no one believes me when I tell them that it is. They say it’s not. That it’s yours. But I know the truth. I am to blame for all of this. I broke you. I broke my own family apart. It’s all me.’ I put down the phone and hugged myself tighter. ‘I lost you Mom. Your still here but then your not. I feel nothing without you.’ I inhale in my snots and wiped my tears with one hand. ‘Where are you? Mom, I need you. I miss you so much.’
I layer my head onto the pillow that I set on the couch in which I’m crying in. I brought got myself comfortable and continued to cry. ‘I’m so sorry.’ It is all I say. I repeat the phrase several times in my head. Then as my eyes grow heavy, I say one final thing before I give myself into the awaiting darkness of the night. “I love you, Mom. I love you so much.”
Author's Note
Thank you for reading. I know that this was very sad, I cried a little bit myself writing it out. This really did happen. I am sorry for bringing in a piece of my life in here, but I just really needed to write it down. I don’t always feel like this, but sometimes I just have to vent, and just get things out. I apologize for any grammar mistakes. Thank you for your time and have a good night/day.
