Mr. Jones Goes To Equestria
There was no unicorn holding a sign with my name on it when I got back to San Antonio International Airport. There was no ancient Checker cab to ride in. Just my beige Volvo sedan waiting in long-term parking. When I parked my car here a week ago, that wouldn’t have been the crushing disappointment it is now. As reluctant as I am to admit this, I truly enjoyed my time at the Mareiott.
Not that it was a perfect experience, by any means. There was one glaring drawback, but there was an easy way to satisfy that particular craving. Thankfully, the In-N-Out Burger in Windcrest isn’t far from the airport. After a mostly meat-free week, it felt good to order a 4x4 and Animal Style fries. I ate the towering burger and sloppy fries in silence, reflecting on what Snowcatcher had told me. I looked down at the remnants of my burger. If I moved to Equestria like she suggested, I’d have to give up meat.
So far, that was the one of the few items on the drawbacks side of the mental list I’d been compiling since leaving New Jersey. But she’d mentioned griffins ate meat, so it couldn’t be completely impossible to satiate my carnivorous tendencies. The only other hurdle was my family. Not that I saw any of them with any frequency, anyway. I’d grown up in Ohio and moved to Texas for college. An internship turned into a job, and well, I never left. My birthday falls between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I always take my birthday week off and go home to save myself the headache of trying to get time off during the holiday season, and to avoid traveling on the busiest weeks of the year.
As for my job, I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it by any stretch of the imagination. It paid for my apartment and my car, and I certainly wasn’t starving. A sip of the Neapolitan shake was all the confirmation I needed for that last one.
I opened my laptop and pulled up the Wikipedia article for Equestria, scanning it for any useful tidbits of information. Sadly, it was lacking in details, probably because they didn’t have internet there. Not yet, anyway. So the humans who’d already moved there had no way to update the Wikipedia page, and the ponies living here apparently hadn’t gotten around to it yet. I’d seen them using phones and iPads, so I know they use the internet. I made a mental note to write to Snowcatcher and ask her to fill in some gaps in my Equestrian knowledge, and maybe suggest she take it upon herself to fix the Wikipedia entry.
At the very bottom of the page I found a link to a list of Equestrian embassies and consulates on Earth. They’d set up consulates in many of the major cities, and the closest to me was in Houston, about two hundred miles away. I pulled up Outlook and sent my boss an email, requesting this coming Friday off from work. Time for a little road trip. I should be over my jetlag by then. I shut my laptop, stood up, stretched, and dumped my trash in the bin. It had been a long week, but now it was time to go home and relax.
The next four days were a blur of routine, as I submitted my expense report and receipts for my trip and got back into the normal grind. As expected, my boss didn’t even raise an eyebrow at my use of a ‘booth babe’ to generate traffic to our stand. All he said was, ‘Good improvising, Jones.’ Then he asked if I got her number. I just rolled my eyes and laughed. I neglected to mention said booth babe wasn’t even human and that while I found her absolutely adorable, I didn’t find myself interested in her like that. On the plus side, he approved my day off, even with such short notice.
Not that she left my mind for the next week. My king-size bed felt even emptier without her cuddled up next to me at night. Pity I had a way with women – the wrong way. I suppose I could get a dog, but I’m not home all that much, and it’s a moot point since my apartment complex doesn’t allow pets. I wonder what they’d think of a pony?
I don’t know why the loneliness suddenly seemed crushing. I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I like spending a lot of time by myself. But ever since coming back from New Jersey I felt a need to socialize. So that’s what I did. The first night I called my family in Ohio. The important part was everyone was doing well. The only real news was my little sister was graduating high school in just over a month. They asked if I’d attend and of course I said I’d schedule the time off.
A month. That would have to be sufficient time to wrap up all the loose ends of my life. I guess it would all depend on how well the meeting with the Equestrian consul went as to whether I’d be vacationing in Ohio for a week, or putting in two weeks’ notice on Monday, and making Canton my last stop on Earth for at least five years.
The rest of the week I called up various friends and started scheduling times to hang out and do things. Just to get me out of the apartment. I didn’t want to be here alone any more. Maybe I wasn’t as happy being all by myself as I thought I was.
Amazingly, I managed to get caught up from my week away in those four days, even if I had to put in some extra hours to pull it off. With everything I’d needed to get done, the week just flew by. Friday dawned sunny, the sky reflecting the same optimism I felt. There weren’t many Equestrians living in San Antonio, and I hadn’t seen a single pony in the week since I’d left New Jersey. Hopefully, Houston had a larger population of equines. It’s possible they just chose to put consulates in all the major cities regardless of pony presence, but I really hope not.
I waited until just after 9:00 to leave, avoiding the worst of the rush hour traffic in the process. I merged onto Interstate 10, a straight shot into Houston. I made decent time staying with the flow of traffic. I made even better time when I tucked in behind a blue Mustang with out-of-state tags traveling at a higher rate of speed than my Volvo’s motor could comfortably maintain for an extended period of time.
I arrived at the Equestrian Consulate a little after 1:00 PM, in plenty of time for my appointment at two. I had more than enough time to get familiar with the lobby after a pair of security guards finally let me in after sufficiently interrogating me. Magical body scans are faster, though no less invasive, than normal ones. A pair of portraits hung on either side of the main entrance, depicting ponies with both wings and horn. One had the sun decorating her flank, while the other had a crescent moon.
I studied the rest of the office while I waited for my meeting. One wall was dominated by maps of the United States, Texas, and what I presumed to be Equestria. Scattered throughout the waiting room were some interesting Equestrian artifacts, though likely they were either replicas, or otherwise not particularly important. And of course, there were political gifts given in the spirit of friendship from various local, state, and national government representatives.
“Howdy. I'm Tex.”
I looked up to see a massive yellow stallion with pink and blue hair tucked under a sombrero. A trio of cacti decorated his flank. This was my first time meeting a male of the pony species, and he was significantly bigger than the mares I’d met in New Jersey. He was shorter than me, but not by much. Muscles rippled under his coat as he moved to stand alongside me. “Howdy,” I finally replied, balling a fist to meet his hoofbump.
“You must be my two o’clock. Mr. Jones?” He held the door to his office open, and I took a seat in front of his desk. Much like the waiting room, it was furnished in a mishmash of Equestrian artifacts and trinkets from Earth.
“That’s me. I’m interested in potentially emigrating to Equestria.”
He nodded. “We’d be happy to have you, of course. We can start that ball rolling with an interview. Why the interest?”
“A week ago I was in New York for a major trade show. While I was there, I stayed at a hotel called the Mareiott, run by some very nice mares who spoke highly of your home world. One mare in particular, Snowcatcher, took it upon herself to teach me the proper way to massage ponies and suggested I consider a career change. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, and that tells me I should explore the opportunity further.”
“A masseur?” He looked at my hands. “Yeah, I guess humans would have an advantage there.” Much to my surprise, the stallion shoved a number of items off to the side and climbed onto his desk. “Show me what you’ve got.”
I started with his withers, and continued as Snowcatcher had taught me. It was harder to work on him due to his muscular frame. I felt like a fly trying to massage an elephant. “I’m not delicate. You’re not going to break me.”
“Sorry. I’ve only had the opportunity to practice on mares to date. This my first time working with a stallion.”
“I see.” He climbed off the table and sat in his chair. He pushed the intercom button. “Truly, your assistance is needed.” He turned his attention back to me. “Truly is my special somepony.” He flexed a few muscles, the unspoken guarantee of pain should I hurt his wife in any way.
A white mare with a pink mane and tail trotted into the room. “Y’all call?” A dove surrounded by hearts adorned her flank, and she tucked much of her mane underneath a sunhat decorated with flowers. She’d be the perfect stereotypical Southern belle if not for the fact she was a pony.
Tex motioned to his desk. “Would y’all mind lying down for a while? Mr. Jones here is applying for emigration, and I’d like him to demonstrate his skills. He’s seeking a work visa as a masseur.”
The earth pony took one look at my hands and leapt onto the desk, landing so hard I thought for sure the desk would break into a pile of splinters. But it was sturdier than I thought, and Truly flopped down onto her stomach. “Are good masseurs this hard to find in Equestria?”
“No. But there’s a big difference between hooves and hands. And a lot of us have been very curious as to what a hand massage would feel like as opposed to hooves or magic.” She was absolutely quivering with anticipation. “You can start any time.”
I had far more of an effect on Truly than I’d had on Tex. She melted under my hands like butter on an oven-fresh baked potato. She relaxed so much she fell asleep right there on Tex’s desk.
As his wife softly snored on his desk, Tex turned to me. “Okay, I can see you have a skill set Equestria’s in dire need of. Your work visa is officially approved. As soon as you submit it, that is.”
“Give me at least a month. I want to see my little sister graduate high school, and then I’ll be ready to go. I understand the length of stay is a minimum of five years?”
“Barring any extenuating circumstances. Family emergencies, for example. But if you leave, you won’t be allowed to return until sometime after those five years expire. And if you commit a crime, you’re out immediately and permanently. If you want to submit the paperwork today, while you’re here, you’ve got three months from the time of issuance before it expires.” He slid the form over to me.
I looked down at it. I hadn’t completely made up my mind yet. But doing this, now, would save me a trip to Houston in the future. In for a penny, in for a pound. I grabbed a pen and started filling out the application, asking questions for clarification where needed. Truly woke up not long after I started and rolled off the desk and back onto her hooves. “That was the best massage I’ve ever had, sugar.” She looked apologetically at her husband. “No offense, hon.”
He shrugged. “If you say so. He couldn’t do a thing for me.”
Truly laughed. “How can anycreature do anything with all these muscles?” She traced a hoof across his barrel.
I was starting to feel like a third wheel, so I excused myself. “Thank you both for your time. If there’s nothing else, I’ll get out of your hair.” There wasn’t, so I left. Security scanned me again to make sure I wasn’t leaving with anything that didn’t belong to me, and then they escorted me out. I found myself standing outside the consulate, just looking at Houston all around me. Sure, I’d been here before many times, but I’d never explored the city like a tourist. I couldn’t help wondering if there was an equine tour guide in the city.
I put in my two weeks’ notice the following Monday. My boss was surprised, but I didn’t explain why I was leaving or where I was going. He wouldn’t understand. He probably thought one of our competitors hired me away during the trade show.
As I wrapped up my old career, I concluded all other aspects of my life. I terminated the lease on my apartment, effective at the end of the month. I called all my friends and explained my decision to them, and promised to write once I was settled in. Technology had yet to catch on in Equestria, so emailing and Facebook were out. I dumped my Volvo at a used car dealership after my last day of work, knowing they’d give me next to nothing for it, but I didn’t have the time to sell it privately. From there I took an Uber to U-Haul, and rented a box truck for my drive to Ohio. I’d separated my belongings into three piles: things my parents would store, stuff they could sell or donate, and the smallest pile was what I’d be taking to Equestria with me. There were strict limits on size and weight of luggage, and honestly I had no idea where I’d be staying until I got on my feet. That was being handled on my behalf by the Equestrian government, and I sincerely hope they’re more competent than the bureaucracies I’m used to.
After two days of driving, I arrived home for the first time since December. I’d managed to arrive between the time my sister got home from school and the time my parents got off work. Samantha greeted me with a hug. There was enough of an age gap that I was already in college while she was still in elementary school. As such, we’d never had much of a sibling rivalry. The flip side was we’d never been particularly close, either. “You came!”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world, sis.” I tousled her hair, not caring that she glared at me. She's a girly girl, a lover of anything pink & frilly and/or cute & cuddly. She also has an insanely large collection of Breyer horses. I wanted to break the news to her before my parents to gauge their reactions. Besides, if anyone in the family was going to appreciate what I was doing it would be her. “Can we talk?”
“Girl trouble again?”
I chuckled at that. “Not this time. And your track record with guys is almost as bad as mine is with women. I quit my job.”
“That’s what Mom said, but she didn’t say why. She just said that you’d be storing some stuff here for a while.”
“I haven’t told them yet. I figured I’d break the news to you first.”
“Scared, huh?”
“I’m an adult, I make my own decisions without needing parental approval. I’m not scared at all. I’m absolutely terrified.”
“This is gonna be good.”
“I’ve decided to move to Equestria. For five years anyway.”
“Equestria? The pony nation?” I nodded. “Take me with you!”
“If I do that, who’s going to look after mom and dad?”
She laughed. “You couldn’t wait to get away. You moved halfway across the country to get away from them. And from me.”
“It’s not like that. I went to the school that offered me the best scholarship. And I stayed because I got a job. Besides, aren’t you off to college come fall?”
“Who says I couldn’t go to school in Equestria? They have colleges too.”
“You’re an adult now, and that means you can make your own decisions about your life. Go if you wanna go, stay if you wanna stay.”
“You bet your butt I’m going. If not now, then in a few years. But wouldn’t it make more sense to go together? Besides, how’s your Equestrian?”
“Er, I know random words.”
“You need a translator. And I’ve been practicing ever since we learned about Equestria. Please?”
“It’s not up to me. You need a passport and a visa.”
“I’ve got a passport, doofus. Remember when our folks went on that cruise last year?” Right, the one I hadn’t been invited on. I nodded. “How do I get a visa?”
“Normally they try to sign you up right when you turn eighteen. You can’t tell me you haven’t gotten a bunch of applications from them, MasterCard, and Discover?”
She slugged me in the shoulder. “Come on, be serious!”
“You go to a consulate and apply for one. I went to the one in Houston. I’m not sure what the nearest one to here is. Cleveland maybe? Pittsburgh?”
She whipped her phone out and looked it up. “New York City.”
I didn’t need to ask her if she was serious. In a way, I’d been hoping she would be. And New York? I knew just the ponies to talk to. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to take a trip to New York after you graduate.” She pouncehugged me.
“Oh! I need to show you my room!” She practically dragged me up the stairs. The last time I’d been in her room was years ago, and I remember it being very, very pink. That hadn’t changed, and neither had the wall filled with shelves of Breyer horses. What had changed, however, was the various posters of Equestria and random ponies adorning the walls. A soaring pegasus in a spandex uniform with “Wonderbolts” emblazoned across it. The same pegasus-unicorn hybrid with the sun on her flank as I’d seen at the Equestrian Consulate in Houston. She pulled a book off her shelf and handed it to me: Equestrian-English Dictionary. She was practically vibrating with excitement. “Your lessons start now.”
I groaned, but she wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.
The next week passed in a blur. Surprisingly, our parents were completely on board with my taking Samantha with me to Equestria. They didn’t even seem particularly disappointed in me for quitting a decent-paying job to go live amongst miniature pastel horses. Or, for that matter, the fact they wouldn’t be seeing either of us again for five years. Then again, they’d spent the last twenty-nine years raising one or both of us, so I guess they were due for a break. It wasn’t until that last day we were in Canton that Mom broke down, sobbing inconsolably as she kept randomly hugging us.
I rented an SUV and we loaded it with everything the two of us were taking with us. First stop New York, then Equestria. Luckily, Interstate 80 would take us almost to the Mareiott’s front door, but only after five hours or so spent driving through Pennsylvania. Granted, it was a shorter, more pleasant drive than my trip from Houston to Canton had been. The scenery made up for the increase in tractor trailer traffic.
We stopped for a late lunch at the Quaker Steak & Lube in Bloomsburg. Which, as it turned out, was conveniently located next to a Gertrude Hawk Chocolate Shop. My attempts to get back on the road were futile, and instead we spent the next hour browsing the various cocoa selections. And of course my sister had no money, so I ended up paying for all the chocolate we bought. Not that I really complained about that. There was some for us, and some I’d purchased specifically for some mares who weren’t expecting us. I hadn’t bothered with reservations this time. We needed to go to New York regardless of whether they had room for us, but I had a feeling they’d have some vacancies. I’d planned the trip for the middle of the week intentionally, knowing they were normally slower on weekdays.
We crossed the Delaware River at a significantly higher rate of speed than George Washington had, not to mention further north. We got caught in rush hour traffic once we hit Parsippany, and I handed my phone to Samantha. The Mareiott’s number was already up, and I instructed her to connect the call and ask if they had vacancies.
She put it on speakerphone as someone, or rather, somepony picked up. “Little Falls Mareiott. This is Daisy. How can I assist you today?”
To my knowledge, I hadn’t met Daisy during my previous visit. “Do you have any vacancies at the moment?” Samantha asked, sounding far more professional then I’d ever heard her before.
“We do.”
“Two rooms, please.” I answered before my sister could.
“Your name?”
When I failed to speak up, Samantha answered. “Samantha Jones.” She hung up the phone and looked at me. “Two rooms? Are you sure you want to spend that much?”
“It’ll be worth it. Beats sharing a room with you.” She slugged my shoulder again. The look on her face when she sees the residents of this hotel will be worth it. “Consider it a graduation present.”
“I thought the chocolate was a graduation present.” Despite her petite frame, she’d scarfed down half a dozen chocolate bars already. I wish I still had her metabolism.
“Nothing says I can’t spoil my little sister a bit? Besides, where we’re going, American currency is useless. May as well spend it while we can.”
“I guess that makes sense. And at least your snoring won’t keep me up half the night.”
“I don’t snore!”
“Says you.” She stuck her tongue out at me.
As we got closer to our destination, I distracted her by having her look up local restaurants. She completely missed the Mareiott’s sign, and I backed the SUV into a parking spot to give her a view of the road, instead of the hotel and its residents. “I’ll go check us in.” She mumbled an acknowledgement and I walked in.
It had been barely over a month since I’d last been here, and there were no discernible changes. I did, however, recognize the mare at the front desk. Daisy had apparently been the pony to chase me out of the kitchen on my last stay here. “May I help you?” She was looking at me funny, as if trying to remember where she’d seen me previously.
“Two rooms for Samantha Jones. Room 16, if available, please.”
“You’re in luck, Snowcatcher has a vacancy. Your other room will be directly adjacent, with Rainbow Flash in 14.” Rainbow Flash was another mare I hadn’t been introduced to previously. And if Daisy was working the front desk, that meant they had at least one other available room. Come to think of it, there hadn’t been many cars in the parking lot when I arrived. “Do you have any luggage?”
“A little. We’ve got the black Chevy Equinox.”
“All right, they’ll be out shortly to grab your baggage for you.”
I nodded and returned to the SUV. “What are you bringing in?”
“Just my overnight bag. How close are we to New York?”
“Fifteen miles.”
“Oh. That explains why I can’t see the skyline. Why are we so far out?”
“It’s cheaper. Besides, I stayed here a month ago when I was out here on business. It’s a great hotel.”
“It isn’t very big.”
“No, it isn’t. What it lacks in size though, it makes up for in quality.” I could see a very familiar unicorn approaching the sport ute in the side mirror. A pinkish unicorn with purple, orange, and pink hair trotted alongside her. “Ah, here come the porters to grab our bags.”
“Seriously? You got porters for these few bags we’re bringing in?” She rolled her eyes at me. “Since when did you become Mr. High and Mighty?”
I reclined the driver seat all the way back as the two mares approached. One on each side of the car, they tapped on the side windows almost simultaneously. Samantha’s eyes flew open wide and she let out the girliest squeal of delight I’ve heard from anyone over the age of six.
Four ears flattened and two heads ducked involuntarily. “Great first impression, sis.”
She clamped her hands over her mouth. “I’m so, so sorry! I had no idea I was going to meet actual Equestrians!” She switched to the pony language. Son of a gun, she really does know how to speak it. Her words were hesitant, and her speech broken in the manner of someone who’d studied a foreign language in high school but never had anyone fluent to practice speaking to. In a way, I guess that was exactly the situation she found herself in. I had to wonder if Equestrian was a recent addition to the curriculum, or extracurricular on her part.
She opened the door and embraced the pink unicorn. Rainbow Flash returned the hug enthusiastically. Whatever my sister had said, it had put the unicorn at ease. Snowcatcher, meanwhile finally looked in the window and spotted me. Her eyes flew open wide, and the SUV’s door was nearly ripped off its hinges with the force of her magic as she opened it. She leapt into the Equinox, landing atop me and nuzzling the side of my face. “You actually came back! And you brought your special somebody! How come you never mentioned you were in a relationship?”
Samantha and I both paled at that. “She’s actually my sister.”
“Oh, how very redneck of y’all.” Snowcatcher winked and stuck her tongue out to let me know she was just razzing us.
“Did we just get insulted by a pony?”
“We did. Snowcatcher, this is Samantha. Samantha, meet Snowcatcher.”
Samantha smiled at the mare. “And this must be the lovely unicorn who convinced you to start dating outside your own species, bro.” She patted Snowcatcher on the head. “You’re cute. You can do better than him.”
“Hey!” It was Snowcatcher’s turn to blush, while my cheeks turned even redder than they’d already been. “I’m not dating outside my own species.”
“Yet. I bet a few months in Equestria is all it takes before you’re ready to go native.”
Well the cat’s out of the bag now. Trust Samantha to ruin my big reveal about moving to Equestria. “So I was thinking about what you said. I’m going to Equestria. I’d been planning to take this little brat with me, but I think I’m just going to send her home instead.”
“You need me! I speak Equestrian far better than you do.”
“Not being able to converse with the natives isn’t that much of a downside. I’ll get some peace and quiet, and I’ll be sure to send you letters with plenty of pictures of all the adorable ponies you’re missing out on.”
Samantha grumbled but fell silent. The pair of unicorns took our luggage into their respective magical auras and trotted into the hotel. We followed, Samantha practically bouncing after them. Once our bags were distributed to our respective rooms, Snowcatcher led the way to garage. The trio of vintage Checkers were still parked there, as was a black Checker limousine. That hadn’t been here last time. The limo had Equestrian flags mounted to the front fenders, as if the car served in an official capacity to the Equestrian government. Snowcatcher motioned us to the nearest of the Marathons, and we all climbed in. She magically closed all four doors and we pulled out of the parking lot.
We drove for about twenty minutes, arriving at a small park overlooking a lake. Terhune Memorial Park turned out to be the remnants of what had once been author Albert Payson Terhune’s estate, Sunnybank. Snowcatcher gave us the background on the park as we sat overlooking the lake below us.
“I like coming here. I find this is a nice place to think.” Snowcatcher stretched out in the grass.
I tossed her a penny, which she caught with her magic. “Penny for your thoughts.”
“I’m still processing that you quit your job and want to move to Equestria. And that you brought your sister with you. I’m trying to formulate a plan of action for you. You’ll obviously need to stay here for a few months as you learn everything you need to start your new life. And then, when you’re ready, we’ll have to get you visas…”
“I’ve had my visa for a month.” Samantha’s eyes just about bugged out of her head when she heard that. “Issued by Tex in the Houston Consulate.”
Snowcatcher levitated it away from me. “Yeah, I’ll be checking this for errors. Tex is… You know what, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. He’s incompetent. He got his position solely based on his name, and not on any particular merits. He’s a good pony, don’t get me wrong, he’s just not very bright. Easy on the eyes, though don’t let Truly catch you checking him out. Truly’s truly the brains of that outfit. We don’t issue visas unless you can speak the language, and I know you can’t.”
“I can!” Samantha happily added her two cents.
“Barely. But between all of us, we’ll teach you both. At least enough of the basics to get by in Equestria. When I suggested you learn a skill and move to Equestria, I didn’t mean to do it immediately.” She sighed. “You need to know the language. How else are you going to communicate with everypony? You don’t understand the culture. How do you intend on not making a fool of yourself? I’m sure you heard about the wave of people who moved to Equestria as soon as we permitted them to.”
“The bronies and pegasisters!” Samantha was continuing to be helpful.
“Yes. They studied for years as our worlds negotiated with one another. They were all thoroughly prepared for what lay ahead, while you’re more or less clueless.” She turned to Samantha. “And what do you know?”
“I’ve been learning your language for as long as I’ve had access to it. I’ve watched every video I can find on Equestria. But until today I haven’t met a single pony. We don’t have many in Ohio.”
“Yes, and your immediate reaction was to try deafening us with some high-pitched auditory assault.”
Samantha grimaced. “I couldn’t help it. You’re just so cute. I want to hug all of you.”
“I thought it was darling of her. Well, after my ears stopped ringing…” Rainbow Flash reminded us she was still there. Samantha all but had a death grip on her, daring anybody to try and take the pony away from her. Rainbow, for her part, looked to be enjoying the attention and was snuggling against her.
“No time like the present to get started.” Snowcatcher pointed to the lawn. “What’s the Equestrian word for grass?” Samantha answered with something that sounded like a strangled whinny. “Pronunciation’s a bit off, but you’ve got the right word.” She repeated the strangled whinny sound, and I honestly couldn’t tell the difference between her sound and Samantha’s. But my sister nodded, and said it again, correctly. “Better.” She motioned to the trees, quizzing Samantha on the various types, as well as the generic word for trees in general. She got about half of them, which impressed Snowcatcher. “And you?” She looked at me expectantly. “Do you know any pony words at all?”
I responded with a guttural sound that could only charitably be described as equine, followed by a couple of whinnies and a nicker.
“Random words. Great. I suppose those are the words I used most frequently on your last visit?”
I nodded and my sister giggled. “What’s so funny?”
“One of the words you said was ‘butt’ and I’m curious as to why that was one of the most common words your friend used in your presence.”
Snowcatcher repeated one of the words I’d said. “This one?” Samantha nodded. “The translation is actually ‘flank’ not ‘butt’. As for why I was using it…” She looked at me expectantly. Rainbow Flash wasted no time, extricating herself from my sister’s death grip and lying next to Snowcatcher.
“Tell you what, sis. Follow my lead.” I sat down next to Rainbow Flash and started rubbing her withers. Samantha flopped down next to Snowcatcher and started doing the same. “Right here is where they carry the most tension.” I grabbed Samantha’s hand, and had her rub a specific spot between Rainbow Flash’s shoulder blades. It wasn’t hard for her to locate the same area on Snowcatcher, though she had me double-check, just to be sure. I nodded, then demonstrated the proper technique to release the tension. With a sigh, Rainbow Flash shuddered. Samantha followed my lead, and Snowcatcher’s eyelids drooped as she immediately melted into a near-catatonic state. “Looks like you did it right.”
I moved my hands lower. “As for why Snowcatcher kept saying flank, first of all, it’s where their cutie marks are located.” Snowcatcher’s snowflake comprised of hearts was as I remembered it, while Rainbow Flash’s was a rainbow leading into a cloud. “I’m sure you know why that’s important.” I figured she actually knew more about the subject than I did.
Samantha nodded. “It’s a sign of a pony’s special talent, and a big part of their sense of identity. It can often traumatize foals when their classmates start getting cutie marks but they haven’t.”
I hadn’t known that, for example.
“In addition, their cutie marks are highly sensitive. You should always ask permission before touching one. The next reason is there’s a pressure point around here…” I found it on Rainbow Flash and the mare let out a startled squeak as her rear legs involuntarily shot out from under her backwards in a bucking maneuver. “Which is why you should never stand directly behind a pony when giving a massage. But it’s another vital tension release.”
“Though usually you’ll want to have the pony’s rear legs and hindquarters dangling off the side of a table or bed when initiating it.” Snowcatcher looked to the grooves in the dirt Rainbow had made when her legs moved. “We’re going to have to do some landscaping before we leave here.”
“And finally, there are a lot of muscles here in the hindquarters to work knots out of.”
Samantha watched me with interest, and I could see the gears turning in her head that said ‘if I learn how to do this I can get paid to spend every day petting ponies’. I couldn’t begrudge her that, since it was really my intention as well. If Snowcatcher was right, and I had no reason to doubt her, my services would be in high demand, and I should make more money than I did on Earth working a less stressful job, while simultaneously benefiting from a lower cost of living. Granted, it was arguably also a lower standard of living, with little technology to speak of. I had no qualms giving up my cell phone or my internet. As a teenage girl, I’m not sure how Samantha was going to cope, but I had a relatively small circle of friends so my own phone was rarely used. I wouldn’t miss it.
I moved on to Rainbow Flash’s hind legs, since they were now conveniently in reach, making sure to demonstrate the finer points of massaging them. Samantha was a quick learner, perhaps mostly because this was relevant to her interests. Snowcatcher cringed less her first time than she did during mine. And every time I’d call out an English word for equine anatomy, Samantha would list the Equestrian word, then I’d repeat that back to her if one of the two unicorns didn’t correct her with either a different word or pronunciation first.
We didn’t leave that spot until Samantha had mastered the ins and outs of equine massage and I’d learned all of the Equestrian words for the various parts of their bodies. It was a long three hours, and it took me longer to learn than it did my sister. She was a lifelong horse enthusiast. I was new to this.
When we finally wrapped up, we got back in the car and crossed the bridge over Pompton Lake, arriving in the town of Pompton Lakes. Snowcatcher hadn’t forgotten my love of pizza, and we stopped at Tony’s on Pompton Lakes’ main thoroughfare.
Watching my sister’s face as she bit into a New York-style pizza was worth the cost of the two pizzas we were all sharing. “Where has this been all my life?”
“Right here, actually.” I’m sure she would’ve slugged me in the shoulder for that one, but her hands were too full with a folded over slice of pizza. She had to settle for glaring at me instead, but the look was spoiled by the grease dripping from her oversized slice.
We drove back to the hotel, and wound down the night playing a special variant of Monopoly based on Equestria. As usual, the ponies let us win, making the final battle for the win between Samantha and myself. I lost, primarily because I conceded defeat so we could go to bed. I was behind, but not out of contention.
There were bagels the next morning, as well as slices of fruit. But the biggest addition to the room was a massive whiteboard. Samantha and Rainbow Flash joined us, and the two unicorns started their lessons with Equestrian numbers. One plus one equals two was a concept that was universal between our worlds, but there were some fundamental differences, most notably human cultures tended towards base-10 due to having ten fingers, while ponies had developed as a base-4 culture due to having four hooves. Then they'd gravitated to base-16 after the limitations of base-4 became apparent. That was a completely new mathematical concept for me, and Snowcatcher spent most of that first morning explaining the differences between the bases. Then it was time to start learning the numbers. She threw in some economic lessons toward the end of the day, once we’d mastered the digits. If we were living in Equestria, we’d need to know how to use their currency and what the exchange rate was between dollars and bits.
Day two started with a recap of pony anatomy and numbers. From there, Snowcatcher started teaching us the Equestrian alphabet. Samantha had an edge there, since she already knew it. Still, she sat in on the lessons regardless, and I saw her taking notes so I know she wasn’t completely up to speed just yet. And that made me feel just a bit better. I didn’t like being shown up by my kid sister, and we’d already covered the only thing I had an edge in.
We transitioned from the alphabet to words and grammar on the third day, something we continued for the next few weeks. Snowcatcher and Rainbow Flash were our primary teachers, but most of the other ponies working at the hotel stopped in and taught various lessons, anything where they were considered more of an expert than our main teachers.
I was getting a handle on the language when we switched to history. If there was any doubt that Snowcatcher was a history buff, it went out the window that fifth week. She dedicated exactly one week to equine history, and she packed it full of every detail she could possibly cram in. Rainbow Flash was usually silent during the lessons, interjecting when needed, or offering a differing point of view on some things, but for history week she was completely absent. We had no visitors that week, and the pastel blue unicorn was absolutely in her element.
Week six began with a lesson from Lulu Luck, the pony I’d first encountered working on the cars in the hotel’s garage. She was a pink unicorn with green, yellow, and magenta hair, which was amazingly less garish than it sounds. She spent the day covering Equestria’s technology and what we could expect, what was similar, and what was different. She also instructed us on some basic maintenance and simple repairs for more common household objects around Equestria.
The next day the earth ponies of the hotel, Daisy Dreams, Plumsweet, and Honeybuzz, took us out to the hotel’s backyard and demonstrated some of the abilities of the earth pony tribe. We watched in awe as they grew trees from seedlings to saplings right before our eyes with nothing but water, fertilizer, and magic. They could feel the earth, and Daisy in particular was the hotel’s primary gardener. Her mark was that of her namesake flower, and she was more than happy to plant an entire garden of flowers and grow them to show off for us. Honeybuzz was more in tune with the local animal life, insects in general and bees in particular. Considering the bees pollinated the plants, the two ponies worked in harmony to keep their plants thriving. Plumsweet’s specialty was food preparation, and she happily demonstrated baking cookies and making milkshakes for us.
The day after that, it was the pegasi’s turn to show us what they could do. Not all of them were present, just Flitterheart, Sunny Rays, and Lily Blossom. We witnessed the aerial acrobatics of the pegasi, along with their weather manipulation. There are parts of the world where snow comes down in June, but New Jersey isn’t usually one of them. They made it snow a full six inches, localized entirely over the hotel’s property. We were joined outside by most of the rest of the staff members, and some of the other hotel guests for an epic snowball fight.
The temperature stayed chilly over the hotel, while it was a mild seventy-two in the rest of Little Falls. The hotel’s staff was quick to pass out coats, gloves, mittens, and hats to the guests, considering only my sister and I had any winter gear with us. It had long since been unloaded from the rental Chevy Equinox, along with the rest of our possessions, and the vehicle returned to the rental agency. We hadn’t intended to stay here for a few months, but Snowcatcher wouldn’t let us proceed without the knowledge we needed to succeed. As such, we'd had no further need for the SUV.
And if I’d thought Snowcatcher was in her element teaching history, I was quickly proven wrong when she was out in the snow. She absolutely glowed, giggling and bouncing all over the backyard, catching snow on her tongue and launching snowballs at the rest of us. She even found time to make a snowpony. I’d come to think of her as a fairly serious pony, but out here she was anything but. She was playful, mischievous, and happier than I’d ever seen her. This is what she’d been born to do. She was a great teacher; knowledgeable, patient, and able to explain even the most difficult concepts in a way we could understand. She was an exceptional mage; I’d witnessed her perform incredible feats of magic during my last stay. But at her heart, she was just a little filly who wanted nothing more than to play in the snow all day. I’d gotten used to her to the point that I’d finally stopped thinking of her as ‘adorable’, but once more that word jumped to the forefront of my descriptors for the pastel blue unicorn.
Snowcatcher had let us dominate her at every card game or board game we played, but on the snowy battlefield of the Mareiott, she took no prisoners. Her magical aim was true, and she nailed the pegasi regardless of how high they flew to avoid her snowballs. She got those of us choosing to hide behind bunkers by dropping snowballs on us. Even all of us working together were no match for the mare in her element. On display for all of us was the true power of a cutie mark. I’d been wondering what Snowcatcher’s real talent was for months. No wonder she was drifting through life. Even with all the amazing things I’d seen Snowcatcher perform with her magic, it all paled in comparison to this. It wasn’t a series of teleports. It wasn’t an incredible 3-D virtual reality golf course. It wasn’t a two-month crash course in Equestrian. She was just a mare playing in the snow, but the important part was she was genuinely happy, and I’m not sure I’d ever seen that previously. This mare needed snow to be at her best.
One of the pegasi, Lily Blossom, attempted to dive-bomb Snowcatcher, but her efforts were for naught. The unicorn strafed her with snowballs, hitting her in the wing and causing her to spiral out of control. She crashed into a snowbank and tumbled end over end, coming to a stop face down in a drift, with her rear end sticking out in the air. Snowcatcher teleported in behind her, yanking the mare free. “Sorry I got carried away out there. Are you okay?”
The blonde pegasus with a grayish purple coat confirmed she was fine. And just like that, the serious Snowcatcher returned from her hour-long vacation. She nodded to Sunny Rays, and the mare bucked the clouds that had dumped the snow on the hotel, dissipating them entirely, and letting the sun shine through. Flitterheart flew around, changing the prevailing winds from freezing to warm. Oh well, all good things must come to an end. The snow started melting rapidly as the temperature warmed up to the seventy-two degrees Fahrenheit it was all around the hotel.
The following day it was the unicorns who took center stage. I’d already seen much of what Snowcatcher could do, but she hadn’t had much need for more than basic magic over the six weeks we’d been there. With the exception of the previous day’s snowball fight, levitation was really the only thing I’d seen her do with her mana in over a month.
First up it was Rainbow Flash, and I was extremely curious about her abilities since she seemed to defer most magical acts to Snowcatcher. We were in her room, where Samantha had been staying these past six weeks. Feathermay joined us, and Rainbow began her demonstration. Rainbow’s horn glowed, and Feathermay was scanned from head to tail by a mint green magical glow. Just like the unicorn security guards had searched me at the Houston Consulate. Much to my surprise a roll of fabric, several pairs of scissors, needles, and thread all levitated around the pegasus and a dress started taking shape above her.
It wasn’t long before Feathermay was wearing the new dress, and Rainbow Flash’s magic hemmed it until it fit her perfectly. She twirled, showing the garment off for all of us. It was a beautiful dress that matched her coloration perfectly.
The mint green aura surrounded both Samantha and myself, and we found ourselves stripped down to our underwear as Rainbow scanned both of us for measurements. I could feel the magic pressing against my body, acting as a tape measure. I’d forgotten my sister was ticklish until I heard her giggling as the scan continued.
The green aura around us dissipated, and we stood in awe as fabric materialized around us. Moving was inadvisable, since multiple pairs of scissors were still flying around us, working in harmony to create new clothing for us. Maybe I was finally becoming accustomed to their casual nudity, but I wasn’t as embarrassed by my state of undress as I would’ve expected.
I couldn’t see what Rainbow Flash was working on for me, but I could see Samantha’s dress taking shape above her. It looked elegant, far fancier than anything I’d ever seen my sister wear. My world went dark for a second, as something slid over my head. I looked down to discover I was now wearing the top half of a tuxedo. Samantha was likewise wearing the blue dress. She looked absolutely stunning. If I looked half as good, I’d be impressed. Looking down, I could reasonably say I looked half as good, considering I was still missing half my ensemble. Rainbow levitated the pair of pants I’d been wearing previously back to me, conceding defeat.
“I’m very sorry, darling, but I’ve never made pants before and I seem to be having some trouble with them. You both have some major anatomical differences from ponies. So tell me where things are too loose or too tight and I’ll alter them to your proportions. Would the two of you be okay with me working on fittings for the two of you while you're still here? You’d get to keep whatever I make for you, of course.”
Samantha nodded. “Absolutely.”
“Of course,” I added.
She clopped her hooves together. “How absolutely darling of the two of you! I shan’t let you down.”
When Rainbow Flash was done with us, it was Dewdrop Dazzle’s turn to dazzle us with her magic. She led us down to the garage, and we took one of the cabs to a nearby lake. For lack of a better description, Dewdrop was a water elemental. She created massive waves on the small lake. She shot a beam from her horn to the clouds above and it started raining, proving pegasi weren’t alone in having weather magic. But her most impressive trick was wading out into the water, ducking her head beneath the surface, and creating an air bubble around her head. She spent the next twenty minutes swimming underwater and trotting on the lakebed, never rising to the surface to breathe.
Sadly, she was a one-trick pony. If it wasn’t water-related, she struggled with it. Even basic spells like levitation and providing light were more strenuous for her than most other unicorns. But in or around water, she was unbeatable. She hadn’t been around for our epic snow battle the other day, and I couldn’t help wondering if she would’ve been the only pony to be able to go toe-to-toe…er, hoof-to-hoof with Snowcatcher. Snow was just frozen water, after all.
She’d picked this particular lake for a reason, as it had no fish in it. For her final trick, she froze the lake solid. She then went skating around the surface, sans ice skates.
All I could think of was to compare her to Aquaman. Highly specialized, but not as easily dismissed as most would immediately think. Water comprised more than 70% of the Earth’s surface, and every life form on the planet depended on water.
We drove back to the hotel, and another pony was waiting for us. She was a pink unicorn, with blue and teal hair, and several stars of various sizes as her cutie mark. I’d only seen her once or twice in passing, and never known her name. She introduced herself as Starbeam Twinkle and explained that unicorns with cutie marks comprised of astral bodies tended to be among the most gifted mages in Equestria. Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer, and Starlight Glimmer were all examples she cited, and even though the names meant nothing to me, I couldn’t help noticing they all fit a pattern, as did her own name.
In stark contrast to Dewdrop Dazzle, Starbeam quickly proved herself as a formidable magical talent. Unlike Snowcatcher, Starbeam held the title of archmage. Theoretically, that meant she should be an even more powerful unicorn than Snowcatcher. Considering the feats I’d seen Snowcatcher accomplish, I had a hard time believing that there could be a pony more powerful, though she’d explicitly stated that there were.
Starbeam started by going into the history of magic, then described the various types of magic. There was the innate magic present in every pony. That was the magic that let earth ponies grow plants, pegasi control weather, and unicorns do all sorts of things with their horns. But there were other types of magic as well, including potions that any creature could mix, magical artifacts, runes, and more.
She quickly breezed through the basics of levitation and emitting light, and didn’t even spend that much time on more advanced spells like teleportation. She demonstrated it once, then moved on, quick to point out that Snowcatcher was overly fond of that particular trick. That she dismissed it as a mere ‘trick’ seemed insulting. At least until Starbeam turned herself invisible. We both poked the air where she'd been standing and could feel her even if we couldn't see her. Then she turned an apple into an orange. She sliced the orange and offered it to us to taste. There was no doubt this apple had completely transmogrified into an orange.
“Before you ask, yes, I can turn lead into gold. No, I cannot legally do so. We do it in Equestria all the time, as our bits are comprised of solid gold. Gold’s not nearly as valuable back home as it is here, hence why we still use it as currency while you’ve been off the gold standard for decades. If I started doing it here, I’d devalue gold, and potentially wreck your financial markets.”
“Is there anything unicorn magic can’t do?”
“Very little. There was a time unicorns moved the sun and moon, though these days that task is handled by the alicorns. The list of things unicorn magic can do, but shouldn’t, is significantly longer: mind control, necromancy, and anything else along those lines.”
I awoke the next morning to Snowcatcher snuggled against me. There was nothing different about that; without a set schedule to keep, she didn’t rush through morning routines to have us out the door by a specific time. She was already awake for the day and wished me ‘good morning’ in Equestrian. I responded in English, and she rolled her eyes and informed me that from here on out that my sister and I were only to use Equestrian when addressing her or any of the other ponies in the hotel.
Samantha had picked things up quickly. I’d never admit it to her, but I think that even if we’d started on equal footing she would’ve learned everything faster than me. Sure, she’d had a head start on learning, but she was also fresh out of school, so learning and studying were still ingrained in her. It had been seven years since I’d graduated college, and it took me a while to get back into the swing of things.
Our lessons from this time on were simply to interact with the ponies as if we were already in Equestria. All communications had to be in Equestrian. Anything we might say or do that could be construed as a faux pas in Equestria was treated as such. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Samantha so sad as when they called her out for randomly glomping unsuspecting ponies. My sole consolation was that while Samantha had made better progress with learning the equine language, I’d done a better job understanding their culture. Mostly because I treated them like people, not living stuffed animals.
Two weeks later the mares of the Mareiott decided we were as ready as we could be. There was no way to predict every potential situation that might arise, but they felt we could handle most of them, especially working as a team. Friendship, teamwork, and cooperation were the very foundation of Equestrian culture. Another thing we had going for us was that ponies were as quick to jump to conclusions as humans. Anypony who mistakenly assumed we were a couple, once corrected on such, would likely be much more forgiving of our own transgressions.
Snowcatcher led us to Room #1. “I think it’s time to introduce you to Ploomette.” The mysterious Ploomette was the only pony we were yet to meet. She opened the door to the mare’s room, revealing a pink pegasus sitting on her bed, delicately manipulating an iPad with her wings.
“Presenting Her Grace, Duchess Ploomette of the House of Hurricane, Equestrian Permanent Representative to the United Nations, and Equestrian Consul General of New York City.”
The duchess pulled a pair of reading glasses off her snout and turned to face us. “Did you forget any titles?”
“I don’t think so.”
Ploomette shook her head, blurring her head behind her rainbow of a mane. “If they pile any more titles on me it’ll take a week to introduce myself and I’ll never get any work done. To whom do I have the pleasure?”
“Mr. Jones, and his sister Samantha.” My sister bowed to her new Equestrian overlord, while I stayed standing, not knowing exactly what was expected of me. “They wish to move to Equestria.”
“So you’ll be needing visas then?”
Snowcatcher nodded. “Mr. Jones has an existing visa, but it’s from Houston. There are some errors, and I think he’d do better to have a new one created.”
Ploomette took a look at my visa, which Snowcatcher had never returned to me, and agreed. “Tex means well, but…” She shook her head. “If Snowcatcher thinks the two of you are ready to venture into Equestria, I trust her judgement. I just need to ask some questions first. Why do you desire to move to Equestria?”
“Snowcatcher convinced me you’re in dire need of masseurs with opposable digits.”
“Useful appendages for such an occupation.” She laid down on the bed. “Perhaps a demonstration is in order?” And so I started massaging her in the way Snowcatcher had taught me. Samantha took the duchess’ haunches while I focused on her shoulders and wings. As we massaged her, I couldn’t help but note her cutie mark was a heart with a crown on it. With both of us working on her, it didn’t take long for her to find her tension melting away. She sank into the bed and muttered, “Approved.”
Snowcatcher took a look at the duchess and said, “I’ll go ahead and start the paperwork if you’d like?”
“Mm-hmn.”
Snowcatcher levitated the iPad away from Ploomette, and filled out the forms, and Ploomette signed them when she was done. ID pictures were quickly taken, and the unicorn started processing the documents. Half an hour later, we had visas that wouldn’t get rejected at the border. To celebrate, we went to Carvel for ice cream.
I was used to waking up to Snowcatcher snuggled against me. I wasn’t prepared to find half a dozen ponies in my bed. I guess Samantha wasn’t either, because she led another half dozen ponies through the door to my room like the Pied Piper.
“It’s time.” Everyone, equine and human alike, turned to Ploomette. Working in unison, a dozen ponies quickly packed our belongings into the black Checker limousine. We weren’t taking much, partially because of regulations, and partially because there was only so much we could effectively carry between the two of us. Everything else was back at our parents’ house in Ohio.
It became blatantly obvious that the ponies had deliberately arranged things. They had a shortage of guests, leaving the hotel running on a skeleton crew of four. Lulu Luck was driving us, and Honeybuzz was riding shotgun. Ploomette, who should have been at the consulate, was instead riding in the back of the limo with us, citing a need for a routine inspection of the portal between our worlds. Starbeam Twinkle sat next to her, ready to teleport the pegasus back to the consulate if there was an emergency. Diamond Rose and Dewdrop Dazzle sat to their outside. Samantha and I sat across from them, with Rainbow Flash and Snowcatcher sprawled across our respective laps. Flitterheart and Sunny Rays had curled up on either side of me, while Daisy Dreams and Feathermay had apparently taken a shine to my sister, and were snuggled up alongside her.
“Where exactly are we going, anyway?”
“The portal.”
“I know that. But where is it? Are we going to an airport, are we driving there?”
“We’re driving. It’ll take a few hours to get there. It’s in the Pine Barrens.”
Snowcatcher elaborated on what Ploomette had said. “The Pine Barrens is sparsely populated by humans, but home to an amazingly diverse section of wildlife. There are also a number of legends associated with the area, including what’s known as the Jersey Devil.”
“I had that video game as a kid.”
Snowcatcher facehoofed. “The local legend is that a beast known as the Jersey Devil inhabits the Pine Barrens of southern New Jersey, and has been sighted as far away as Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Delaware. If you look up descriptions of the beast, however, there’s very little consensus on what it looks like. It resembles a dragon, a cockatrice, or even a thestral pony depending on who you ask. Which makes sense when you consider that the other end of the portal opens in the middle of the Everfree Forest, which is home to a number of monsters. It’s certainly not beyond the realm of possibility that any of the above could have come through the portal and become lost in the woods.”
Snowcatcher, of course, had gone into lecture mode and a number of barely relevant facts about the history and folklore of the Pine Barrens was shared over the course of the ride. All the while I continued scratching her behind the ears. I was so tempted to go for that spot on her back I knew would relax her to a near-catatonic state, just to get some peace and quiet, but ultimately I decided not to. Snowcatcher had done a lot for me in the last few months. If letting her drone on about subjects no one else cared about made her happy, who was I to stop her?
We arrived at the portal around noon. We’d long since left anything resembling a highway, and we’d needed to take a narrow dirt road the rest of the way. There were a few small structures built around the portal, with a garage full of lifted Jeeps primary among them. It was safer here than in the Everfree, and ponies and humans had both set up their border crossing on this side of the divide. The fact we arrived by limo with the New York Consul General in the car expedited the immigration process considerably. The ponies knew what they were doing. Having a sendoff party with a dozen ponies reluctant to let us go certainly scored us brownie points with the ponies at the checkpoint. Our passports and visas were both ready, and the ponies swiftly processed our paperwork accordingly.
Samantha hugged every single one of the ponies present, even the relatively grumpy Starbeam and the duchess/consul/UN representative. I followed her lead, ending with Snowcatcher. “I’ll write when we get settled.”
“We both will!” Samantha promised.
My sister and I were herded into one of the Jeeps, and we drove through the portal, emerging in Equestria. The Everfree Forest amazingly looked even emptier and more foreboding than the Pine Barrens. It was obvious the dirt path we traveled had only recently been blazed. Ground down tree stumps littered the path, and the Jeep dutifully traveled up and over them as if they were minor speedbumps. The Jeep was revealed to be a hydrogen conversion. Equestria may not have a nationwide gas station network like we do, but they do have the ability to magically convert water into hydrogen anyplace both water and a unicorn are present.
Not that there were many roads to drive them on. Apparently the Jeeps were used primarily as transportation from the portal to the nearest Equestrian town, Ponyville, which had transformed into the Equestrian equivalent of Ellis Island. Just on a much smaller scale. All humans entering Equestria did so through Ponyville.
The Jeep pulled up to the Ponyville Town Hall and we disembarked. We were greeted by a white mare with jet black hair and an inkwell and pen on her rump. “Welcome to Ponyville!” She introduced herself as the mayor's assistant, Raven Inkwell, and we followed her inside.
Once we sat down, Raven examined our paperwork to ensure it was all in order, and once she was satisfied that it was, she started asking the same questions we’d been asked twice over already. First by Ploomette, and then again at the border crossing.
“Forgive me for asking, but I can’t just glance at your flanks to determine your special talents. What are your skills?”
“Massage therapists. Would you like a demonstration?”
Surprisingly, Raven declined. “Sadly, I’m not allowed to accept that. That could be considered a bribe, instead of a demonstration. But I can take you to a pair of experts.”
She trotted to the Ponyville Spa, and we followed. A pair of mares greeted us, one blue and one pink. Raven conversed with them briefly, and they nodded. We followed them into one of the rooms, and the blue mare, Lotus Blossom, hopped up onto the table.
“Please demonstrate your abilities on my sister. If you do a good enough job, we can talk employment opportunities.”
Samantha and I approached the blue mare, who mirrored her sister’s coloration perfectly. Her mane was the same pink as Aloe’s coat, and Aloe’s hair was the same color blue as Lotus’ coat. They had to be twins. Lotus also had a very similar coloration to Snowcatcher, and I just pretended I was massaging my friend instead of this mare I’d just met. As usual when we were both working on the same pony, I took the back and my sister took the hindquarters. Since we were primarily working with mares, we thought that might make them more comfortable. If we ever started working with stallions, we’d change that up. Lotus closed her eyes and let us show our stuff. A professional masseuse, she could certainly offer pointers if we impressed her sufficiently to get hired on. She gasped as I hit the spot I knew would sink her into a blissful state. She fought that melting sensation, attempting to remain professional. Then Samantha hit the other spot, causing her hind legs to buck away from the table. She stopped fighting, leaving her rear legs dangling from the table in a blissful trance. “You’re hired.”
I walked over to Aloe. “That’s not the only service we offer.” I reached a hand towards her head. “May I?” She nodded, and I started scratching her behind the ears. She was more vocal than her sister, oohing and aahing at random intervals.
“How did we not think of this when the initial wave of settlers came through here?”
“They all had destinations and careers in mind. These two, however, were trained by our equine settlers. I’m a little surprised they didn’t keep you themselves.” Raven watched jealously as the two spa workers received the treatment they normal gave to their fellow Ponyville citizens.
“They would have,” I offered, “except there’s not enough of a market yet. With as many humans as there are on Earth, they can keep training more of us.”
“Hopefully they send some more of you this way.” Lotus rolled off the table and momentarily wobbled on her legs. “That was amazing. Very different than receiving a hoof massage.”
I thought back to all the times Snowcatcher had walked up and down my back. “And I can speak for myself when I say hoof massages are also amazing in their own right.”
The twins nodded. “And we do them right. How soon can you start?”
Raven chuckled. “How about we let them get settled in first? They don’t even have a place to live yet.”
The bell jingled, alerting the twins to a customer. Aloe excused herself to answer it, while Lotus started listing all the available accommodations she knew of.
“We’ve got a list of available properties back at city hall for just such occasions.”
Aloe interrupted Raven. “We have another two clients for you. I know you do not yet work for us officially, but they are regular customers and more importantly, one of them also has something we lack: wings. It would be very good to judge how you do with a pegasus before we offer employment. We will, of course, pay you for services rendered today regardless. Follow me to the other room.”
I thought back to Flitterheart and Sunny Rays. If anything, they melted easier than any of the unicorns or earth ponies. I nodded. “Of course.”
I emerged in the other room to see a white unicorn with a perfectly coifed purple mane, and a cerulean blue pegasus with a rainbow mane. And for some reason she was wearing sunglasses. Aloe helpfully proclaimed, “Today we offer you first in Equestria massage therapy. You like?”
The two ponies turned to look at us. “Oh my,” gasped the unicorn. “How exotic.” She eyed my fingers. With their ridiculously large eyes, it was always obvious where a pony was looking. I could already see she was envisioning just how our fingers could be used. Judging from the smile, she was completely on board with this idea. The pegasus, meanwhile, looked a little apprehensive.
I strolled over to the unicorn and introduced us. She responded with, “I’m Rarity, and my friend here is Rainbow Dash. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” She sank down to the table, dangling her rear legs off the edge. Regular customer all right. She knows the drill. I started with her ears and she practically purred in response. “Yes!”
Samantha started massaging her flank, working up towards the release that would cause her to involuntarily buck. Thankfully everypony in the room was well out of the line of fire.
Once Samantha started getting closer to the release point, I started working on the tension in her shoulders. I waited for the buck, and she didn’t even squeak in surprise when it happened. After that, I set to relieving the stress in her back and neck, not that there was all that much tension there. Either this mare led a ridiculously pampered life, or she went to the spa every day. They’d mentioned she was one of their best customers. I could see the twins watching nervously from the corners of my eye. She must be a very good customer to cause them this much anxiety. That meant they’d put a lot of trust in Samantha and myself. I hit the spot and she sank deeper into the table. “Oooooooooh,” she muttered. “Just like that.”
I looked over to Rainbow Dash. “Ready?”
She nervously hopped up on the other table. “Just be really careful with my wings. I’m a Wonderbolt.”
Samantha squealed in appreciation. “When this is done can I have your autograph? I have a Wonderbolts poster in my bedroom back home.”
Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Who’s on it?”
“A yellow pony with a fiery mane.”
Rainbow Dash nodded in appreciation. “That’s our captain, Spitfire. If you’re good, I’ll bring her in the next time I come in. Not that I ever come in here. I’m an athlete, and spas are frou-frou.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Are you kidding? If anything, an athlete has more reason to need a massage than the average pony. You’re working your muscles way harder than most.” I gently guided my hands along her wings. “Like this knot here. I bet a pegasus sitting at a desk all day isn’t going to get something like this.”
Samantha started kneading Rainbow’s hindquarters, and I started working on her back. Like with Rarity, I waited for Samantha to get the involuntary buck out of the way before releasing the tension in her back. As with all the other ponies we’d worked with to date, she melted completely at the relief. It was only then that Samantha and I each took a wing. “You’ll have to let us know which one you like more. I’m more delicate, while my brother’s firmer.” We started at the wingtips, and worked our way inward. Samantha came across a knot before I did, and she slowly worked it out. Rainbow sighed in pleasure as she did.
Meanwhile, I was closing in on the knot I’d discovered earlier. “All right, I’m about to hit a knot. She winced in anticipation, and I pressed my thumbs against it, working it harder than Samantha did. The result was a faster release, and the mare seemed to appreciate that.
“Yeah, like that.”
Samantha was adaptable, and she’d go firmer than she’d been going from here on out. Of course, she had neither my hand size nor strength. But with wings, that didn’t matter. You couldn’t go too firm with wings.
Rainbow let out some soft cooing sounds as we continued, and she’d definitely melted into the table already. A glance out of the corner of my eye showed two relieved twins and a noticeably jealous Raven.
We wrapped up her massage and turned to face our audience. Rarity had joined Aloe and Lotus and their whispering to one another stopped as we finished. “How was it?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“Well, darlings, it was as unique as it was exquisite. I daresay all the spas in Canterlot will be recruiting humans soon.”
“Forget what I said about bringing Spitfire here. We need you two on permanent staff.”
“Now Rainbow, let’s be reasonable about this. You can’t just poach employees from Aloe and Lotus.”
“Technically, they are not yet our employees, Miss Rarity. But we would like very much to change that.”
“How about you hire one of them, and Rainbow takes the other to the Wonderbolts.” Spoken like a career politician. Unsurprisingly, it was Raven’s suggestion. She’d relaxed somewhat since the massages ended and was ready to once again be the voice of reason.
The twins quickly conferred among themselves. “We shall take Mister Jones. If you’re willing to work for us, we would like that very much. We have a more diverse clientele than the Wonderbolts, while a gentler touch would be good for fliers.”
“And I’m already your biggest fan on Earth!” Samantha exclaimed, practically begging Rainbow to take her with her.
“And since she can’t walk on clouds, you’ll just have to station her at the Wonderbolts’ Canterlot facility. You can get me access, of course?” Rarity pleaded with her friend.
“I don’t get to make hiring decisions, that’s Spitfire’s call. So come on, Sa-man-tha.” She hesitantly pronounced the foreign name. “That really doesn’t roll off the tongue.”
Samantha shrugged. “If it helps, you can call me Magic Hands.” She turned to Raven. “Are we allowed to adopt pony-style names while we’re here? It would probably make things easier for everypony.”
“I don’t see why not. Just as long as you register it with my office first. We’ll have to update your visa with your alias. I’m not sure how your customs work, but I think that would require updating your passport too.”
Samantha left with Rainbow Dash and Rarity, heading for Equestria’s capital. High up on the hill, it was visible even from here. “How long does it take to get there from here?”
“Two hours by train.”
“That’s not so bad. If they hire you on, you’ll come visit, right sis?”
“Of course! And you better visit me. Oh, I bet if they hire me I can get you Wonderbolt tickets! I’ve heard their shows are awesome!”
Rainbow grinned cockily. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. We put on the best show on either side of the portal.” And with that, they turned towards Ponyville’s train station and I returned to the spa to negotiate employment. Then I needed to find a place to stay.
Much to my surprise, Raven walked out as I was walking back in. “Don’t you want me to come back to your office to discuss places to stay?”
“Nope. If you accept their offer, the twins are going to let you stay here with them as long as you want. They don’t have enough space for both of you, but they can accommodate one of you. If you need anything else, just let me know.”
I walked back into the spa. It wasn’t what I’d pictured when I thought about finding a home in Equestria, but it was charming and had an excellent commute time to work.
Author's Note
Story notes found here: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/880617/story-notes-mr-jones-goes-to-equestria
