It was only a kiss. IT WAS ONLY A KISS!
Somewhere in the world right now, incest is happening. And now you’re thinking about it. I’m not really sorry.
That’s the inspirational line we’re going to dawn on as our mental eye sets upon Equestria. And not just some unremarkable podunk town like Ponyville. Fuck that place. No, we’re going to peek our eyes in on the degeneracy capital of Equestria itself, Canterlot.
We’re going to use our binoculars to peer in through the windows of the Sparkle home without their knowledge. Which is kind of fucked up if you think about it. I mean, seriously. Twilight Sparkle and Twilight Velvet are the only two with Twilight in their name. Night Light and Shining Armor aren’t even really ‘Sparkles’. So, for the intents and purposes of the story, we’re just gonna focus in on “These Assholes”.
It seemed to be a normal day for the Asshole household. Shining’s eating cereal with a spoon like a normal pony. Which you should give him some credit, because he just figured out how to properly use a fork last week. Twilight was reading a book. I honestly didn’t really look, but I’m probably right. Yeah, I double-checked, she’s reading a book. There. You happy? I’m a reliable narrator and shit.
Twilight’s Mom, who is called Mrs. Sparkle I guess, is sipping wine in the morning because she is a Mom of two who don’t have to explain shit. Twilight’s Dad, Mr. Sparkle, (Or Night Light for those fuckers who care about this shit) came downstairs, feeling groggy and clearly needing a cup of coffee. Which makes sense. In a household where everypony else is special, I’d be in a constant state of ‘too tired for this shit’ as well.
“Good morning, Family,” he mumbled. He sits down at the breakfast table, and kisses his wife gently on the cheek. Then, reaches to the other side of the table, and gives his proud daughter a kiss.
It’s at this point a strange silence fell on the table. Although, the silence was welcomed. After another full night of his wife’s snoring, which he so gracefully ‘slept’ through, the calmness over the table was refreshing.
He looked to the stack of toast, and lifted a piece with his magic, then drew his attention to the butter, which had wine spat all over it.
Night Light looked at the wine infused butter, and considered how the wine got on it. The insane things you could buy in grocery stores these days. He looked to his son, whose mouth seemed strangely agape.
“Leave your face like that, son, and it’ll fuse that way. Then see how that Melody filly you’re crushing on likes it.”
There was no response from his family for a change, so it seemed like he finally got one of the kid’s names right for a change. He gave himself a mental pat on the back for being a courteous, thoughtful father. He looked to his wife, who had wine all over her face.
‘Hmmmm.’ he thought to himself.
“Honey, are you okay? Have you hit the sauce too hard this morning again?”
“You just kissed our daughter,” Twilight Velvet said in shock.
Night Light looked to his daughter Twilight, who had her mother’s eyes, mane style, and wine on her face. Tears were welling at the edges of her eyes.
Night Light blinked.
“On the cheek though,” he said.
Twilight slowly shook her head.
“Oh,” Night Light said. “Oh, well that’s not good.”
“Mom?” Twilight asked weakly. “Am I pregnant now?”
“Yes, honey,” The other Twilight said, the sexy one. Not the young one. “And now we’re going to hell.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Night Light said. “Now clearly this was an accident. I meant to kiss your cheek. Just like every other morning. I just misaimed.”
“That’s what you said when we had Shining, dear.” Mrs Sparkle said.
Shining threw his hooves in the air.
“I thought you said that I was your little Miracle!” Shining exclaimed.
Twilight Velvet shook her head and sighed.
“No, dear. Mommy just decided to kiss on the first date.”
Nightlight rose from his chair, a cold sweat building on his brow.
“Twilight, did you use chapstick this morning?”
“But Dad, you said I’m too young for chapstick!”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOUR TOO YOUNG FOR CHAPSTICK TWILIGHT. DID YOU USE IT!”
“NO!”
Twilight burst into cascading waterfalls of tears. The pregnant one, not the sexy one. The sexy one came over and held her daughter tightly.
“It’s okay, Sweetie.” Mrs. Sparkle said gently to Twilight.
“Does this mean that Cadance and I can kiss now?”
“NO!” The Sparkle parents shouted in unison.
“But I learned from watching you!”
“Not the point!” Mr. Sparkle growled. “Okay. We have to think of something. I refuse to be the guy who knocked up his daughter. Even if it was an accident.”
“Sure it was an accident,” Twilight Velvet growled.
“It wasn’t like I was putting carrots in a plastic bag! I misaimed a little! Anypony could have done it!”
Twilight Velvet pulled her daughter from the table and pulled her into the living room. Night Light followed along out of a personal sense of responsibility. After all, he would be the father of this unholy kiss child.
“Okay, Twilight. When I was in college, I found out how we can fix this. I watched my mare friends deal with this all the time.”
Night Light blinked in both fear and curiosity. His wife never spoke of her college years. Or let him into the back of the video rental store.
“O-okay” Twilight whimpered.
Twilight Velvet sighed and laid down on the ground. She flexed her neck in either direction, unleashing two satisfying cracks.
“You need to vomit into my mouth. For the Baby.”
“WHAT!” screamed Night Light and Twilight, the pregnant one.
“Oh yeah!” shouted Shining, the really creepy one peering from the door.
“Shining, go to your room.”
“Okay!”
“And don’t lick your lips!”
“Awww.” he dejectedly sighed as he moved out of the doorway.
Twilight looked down at her mom in quiet fear and shame.
“H-how do I force myself to throw up?”
Twilight Velvet scoffed in mild frustration.
“Aren’t bullies in school teaching eating disorders anymore?! You shove your hoof to the back of your throat and then out comes your last meal. Or, well, in this case, the baby.”
Everypony in the room just let that settle in for a moment.
“This is the grossest thing I’ve ever heard of,” Night Light said flatly.
Twilight shoved her hoof to the back of her throat faster than a dog finding out he can make his own food.
Sure enough: One gag. Two gag. Brownish gag, Greenish gag. A slimy fluid projected out of Twilight’s mouth and right onto her mother. Twilight Velvet pushed herself onto her daughter and covered her daughter’s lips with her own, drinking down the gross fluids.
When Twilight, the not pregnant anymore one, finished, her mother fell backward and gulped the last few drops of her daughter’s sensitive fluids.
“There. Now I’m pregnant. And nopony ever has to know about what just happened.”
Night Light galloped to his wife and wrapped her in his hooves.
“Honey, I’m so proud of you, I could kiss you.”
Twilight Velvet smiled and wrapped her hooves around her husband.
“You don’t need to. I already have,” she said sweetly, vomit still trailing from her lips. Then, she pressed her lips to his.
Twilight sat down on the ground, looking down at the hoof she gagged herself with, wondering what she has done with her life until this very moment, and thinking how now everything felt like a strange, unbelievable lie.
Night Light broke the kiss for a moment.
“Oh, right. Twiley. You have herpes now.”
-End
Author's Note
If you're confused, upvote. it helps
