You're Only Human

Chapters

Lesson Zero: Run!
The Clop Part
Let the Research Begin!
Apple Clop
Widen the Sample Size
New Oversight
Rarity's Instructions
Unexpected Variable
Data Collection

Lesson Zero: Run!

You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Hello, I’m Andrew Eugene Shepherd. The first human to make it to Equestria, the world of talking magic ponies. I’m also the first modern human to try to make it a home. I have had a tendency to get into crazy situations, most of which end with me in the hospital. It’s not a safe place, but then, Earth isn’t safe either. Life in general isn’t safe.

Yet we still soldier on and muster up the courage to get out our doors. Because even if the world isn’t safe, there’s a lot that makes the trip worth it. Like relating to our fellow beings and building strong, lasting friendships: Helping our friends through tough situations, because they would do the same for you.

It’s especially important here in Equestria, where Friendship can be turned into a gigantic rainbow death ray. Usually by the pony I was visiting with in her treehouse library. Originally, it had been to fix a broken bookshelf. It’s something I’ve done before: Having hands has made me a very handy person to have around Ponyville.

However, it seemed that I needed to try to fix something else. I came to this conclusion based on how Twilight Sparkle, apprentice of Princess Celestia, the ruler of Equestria, was frantically pacing in the library she called home.

“Uh, Miss Sparkle?” I asked hesitantly. “You all right?”

Twilight froze. I blinked, and opened my mouth. She snapped her head to me, her eyes wild. I felt the very strong urge to run away, but I held my ground.

“Is everything okay-?”

“ANDREW SHEPHERD!” Twilight cried. I felt the telekinesis of the unicorn grab me: It made my skin tingle as I was bodily yanked off my feet and right up to her.

“UWAH!”

“Andrew Shepherd! The only human in Equestria!” Twilight cried, her grin wide and unsettling. “Isolated from his own people and often hurt! Surely, surely you have a friendship problem I can resolve and write Princess Celestia about!”

“Uhhh… No? Not really?” I managed to squeak out. I smiled nervously at her, trying to control my pounding heart. She could probably smell my fear.

The purple unicorn giggled in a manner that made me want to pee. “That’s silly! You’re an alien stranded on another world without any of your fellow humans to talk to!” Twilight pushed me up against the nearest wall, her nose still pressed against mine. “You must have problems!”

“I-I do! I do!” I insisted. “But nothing to do with friendship!”

“You HAVE. TO HAVE. A PROBLEM. I CAN SOLVE!” She bellowed, her eyes twitching in opposite directions. “NOW GIVE ME IT!”

“Okay, done with this now,” I stated. I reached up and grasped her horn. The unicorn gasped, her eyes crossing back the opposite way. My other hand? I moved that up to behind her ears, and scritched like I’d never scritched before! Twilight groaned, her jaw going slack. Slowly, her magic grip released me, and I could stand on my two feet again. I kept up the scritching, hard, and rubbing up and down her horn.

… Whatever you’re thinking, shut up.

“Ooooh… N-No… Don’t…!” Twilight moaned. I shook my head and patted the top of hers.

“No. Take deep breaths. Calm down,” I said. “Just keep taking deep breaths… That’s it…”

Twilight obeyed, her cheeks bright red but her face returned to a semblance of normality. I knelt down and smiled at her.

“All right… What’s wrong?” I asked. Twilight trembled, near tears.

“I-I’ve been sending a friendship report to Princess Celestia every week for the last year, and I… I don’t have one this week!” She cried. “I’m supposed to be studying the magic of friendship and I-I don’t have anything!”

“Well can’t you just write her about something else?” I asked kindly. Twilight glared, shaking her head violently and making me withdraw my hands.

"You don't get it! It has to be a FRIENDSHIP REPORT! It has to be ABOUT FRIENDSHIP!" She shouted. She held her hooves over her head. “Oh Celestia, she’ll be so disappointed-She’ll send me back to magic kindergarten-I’ve failed, I’ve failed, I’ve-!”

I sighed, and hugged her. “It’s all right, it’s all right,” I said. “I’m sure it’s not that big a deal-”

“IT IS A BIG DEAL!” Twilight shouted. “I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING I CAN SEND HER!”

I stared down at the shaking unicorn. She was nearly sobbing out of fright and dread. I closed my eyes and took a deep, deep breath. I had the distinct impression I would regret this, but...

"Okay, okay, okay, hang on... Um, look. Twilight, you might think this is kind of weird-" I began. Her eyes snapped up to lock onto mine, desperate.

"What is it?! What could be weird?!” She demanded. “I promise you, I absolutely will not judge you for anything weird!"

This wasn’t going well.

"You shouting isn't very encouraging-" I tried, before she shoved me up against the wall again-This time with her hooves. She was making the crazy face again.

"WHAT IS IT?! TELL ME NOWWWWW!" Twilight screamed. Which made me scream back.

"I THINK I'M ATTRACTED TO PONIES! LIKE YOU! SPECIFICALLY YOU!" I admitted in terror. Twilight gaped in shock, and that was enough to bring her to her senses. She blushed, and stepped back.

"... Wait... You... you're... Attracted to me?!" Twilight gasped.

I groaned, looking away, my own cheeks bright red. I rubbed my face, before looking back at her.

"Yes! ... I mean, I'm a sapient tool using mammal, you're a sapient tool using mammal…” She looked confused, and I shook my head. “Okay not the greatest start-Let me start over?”

“I… yes, of course,” Twilight said quietly. She rested a hoof on my knee. “Go on…?”

“I'm attracted to you,” I tried again, “because of your intelligence and kindness and charisma and... Also physically? Which is kind of weird for me. I didn’t think I could be attracted to aliens, but who knew?”

“Why is this a bad thing?” Twilight asked. She blushed hard. “I actually find you attractive, and you’re an alien,” she admitted quietly.

“I… Well thanks,” I said with a shy smile. “But on my planet, it’s a taboo to be attracted to other species. Mainly because all the other species aren’t sapient, you know? So being attracted to beings that resemble livestock is just, you know, kind of weird for me. I’m not sure how to deal with it.”

I steeled myself, and smiled at her in a mix of trepidation and hope.

“So maybe you could help me with it?”

Twilight beamed. Like all the stress and anxiety vanished and all was right with the world. She hugged me tightly, and I returned the embrave.

"THAT'S PERFECT! THAT'S A FRIENDSHIP PROBLEM TO SOLVE!" She cried. She nuzzled me. “THANK YOU!”

"I-Sure-Okay,” I replied with a smile. I reached up to rub her head. “So... I guess we talk about the issue and-?"

Twilight shook her head. She used her magic to shut and lock the door, as well as close all the curtains that had been letting the light of the setting sun in. I gulped as she turned back to me: She was looking manic again.

"NO TIME!” She cried. “We need to resolve your attraction to me RIGHT NOW! So... “ She blushed, but there was a fire in her eyes there hadn’t been before.

“KISS ME!"

I tried to back away again-Right into the wall. I held up my hands and smiled, as charmingly as I could manage.

"Woah! Hang on a second! I’m willing to help but we need to-!”

My clothes vanished in a magical burst of light. Twilight pounced on me, her breath hot against my face. It was in this moment I knew… I was screwed. Figuratively...

"I’m not going back to magical kindergarten, Shepherd!” She cried. She narrowed her eyes. “NOW KISS ME LIKE YOU MEAN IT!"

And very literally.

Dear Princess Celestia,

As it turns out, Shepherd has had trouble with the fact he is attracted to ponies. Since we’re not of his species he wasn’t sure how to handle it. But I helped resolve things, and we’re both much better for the experience. I went a little overboard, I’m afraid, but he was able to show me how my anxiety was unwarranted. Now I have a whole new series of things to tell you about! The magic… Of romance.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Enclosed are several pictures with comparisons to positions in sources I have included at the bottom. I hope you can provide feedback on whether or not we’re doing things properly.

Princess Celestia looked over the scroll a few more times. She looked over the pictures. She raised an eyebrow.

“Well… I certainly never taught her that.”

- - -

Author's Note

Clop is coming next chapter. Just wanted to get started with this while I had time. Yes, it's the same Andrew Shepherd from "Hands" but this is a different universe. More focused on clop and comedy than comedy and action. Let's see if I'm any good at actual clop...

The Clop Part

You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. The following contains adult content and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18.

I am Andrew Eugene Shepherd… And I’ve had enough.

All right. I consider myself a kind person, I know this in my heart. I do have a temper, sure, but I’ve learned to manage it through long experience. And I do care for this crazy unicorn, deeply. Perhaps deeper than I can really grasp.

But there comes a time when the lion needs to remind the Serengeti why he’s king of the beasts. There comes a time when the primal male needs to roar. And that is this moment, right now. Either I let the crazy unicorn force herself on me… Or I have her on my terms.

It’s as though I can hear and feel generations of human men, from all across my world and from all places and times, chanting in my blood. Bellowing out a simple command, just four little words:

Fuck. Her. Brains. Out.

My hand snapped up, fast as lightning, and I grasped her glowing horn. Her crazed face became surprised, her eyes crossing as I tightened my grip. I could feel the magic thrumming through the horn, trying to get out but failing. That suited me fine.

I reached up with my other hand, and grasped the back of her head. My fingers dug into her mane, and she whimpered. I swallowed any further sounds she made in a kiss, pulling her mouth to mine.

Her tongue flailed a bit, her inexperience showing. I took control, my tongue lashing around hers to deepen our kiss. She moaned against me, and the sound sent a rush of heat right through me. I squeezed her horn, and she gasped loudly against my mouth. I didn’t let her pull away though, and after a minute she finally gave up her resistance.

Part of me relished it. Another part wanted her to fight me more. I’d deal with those later.

I sat up, still kissing her, still holding her horn tightly to keep her helpless. Her hooves batted weakly at my shoulders, even as I pushed her back, back, right onto the floor. Only now did I break the kiss, a long string of spittle connecting our lips. Twilight gasped for breath, her cheeks flushed even through her fur.

“Sh-Shepherd, I-” She tried, but I gave her horn another tight squeeze. She squeaked, and trembled. I shook my head.

“Shush,” I ordered, eyes narrowed. She blushed harder. “Don’t move.”

She trembled, but obeyed. I looked down her body with a predator’s gaze.

She wasn’t actually that different from a human in many respects-Her torso and the curves of her hips and flanks were definitely human-like. And nestled between her hindlegs was a mound-Again, not unlike a human’s. It was much softer looking than an Earth horse’s, though she was still winking as she leaked juices from her slit.

Above her mound though was an interesting surprise-Her teats. Granted, they were small but still soft, perky, and inviting. If not for the purple coloration, they would also almost look human-Just in the wrong place.

On the other hand… I took the hand that wasn’t holding her horn, and ran it down her belly. I gently grasped her teats, and Twilight trembled again. I felt her up, and she closed her eyes. Her hooves moved to her cheeks, like she was trying to hide herself in embarrassment as I fondled her.

My most primitive instincts and my higher brain functions were in agreement:

Tits are tits.

The smell of her musk… That was something else. I’d smelled aroused women, and their scents could be very distinctive. Nothing quite like Twilight’s though: Musky, but sweet and a bit fruity. Kind of like a rich wine. I leaned in and sniffed more deeply of her winking slit, and she moaned as more juices leaked out. I stuck my tongue out and ran it up, from her anus to her hooded clit. She trembled violently, her hooves squeezing around my hand that kept her helpless.

I could taste tartness, and sweet-Like a rich meade mixed with wine. I looked up into her eyes, and pulled her horn to make sure our gazes were locked. I licked again, and her mouth opened as she gasped loudly. I added a tweak to one of her nipples, just for spice.

“AH-Ahhhn~!” She covered her mouth with a hoof, biting down on it. I began lapping at her marehood, eagerly thrusting my tongue in deeper for more. She was a furnace-Vaguely I remembered that horses have a higher body temperature than humans-a hot meal for my tastebuds to enjoy as my hand enjoyed her tits.

“Ahh-Ahhhh… Sh-Shep… Mmmm…!” Twilight suppressed another loud groan, and her pussy flooded my mouth. Enough I could audibly swallow, and I did so while our eyes were locked. She looked away, still trembling, still redder than an apple. I gripped her firm, soft flank, squeezing it tight, and she jumped. She looked down at me, caught between pleasure and mortification. I loved it, loved the power, loved how good I was making her feel.

Loved it all as a prelude to me finally busting my nut in her.

I shoved a finger up her pussy then, as it was nice and lubricated. I needed it, too-She was tight as a screw buried in wood, squeezing jealously around my digit. She squirmed as I probed her depths, her head thrown back as I sought out her weakest points. I curled my finger upwards-Did she have a G-spot like a human woman?

“MMM! MMPPHHH!” She practically shrieked through her hoof as I ran over a cluster of nerves somewhere behind her clit. Okay, that was a big yes. My smile began positively demonic. I waited for her to look down again. I opened my lips wide and took her clit into my mouth. I closed my jaw slowly, my teeth grazing over her nub, as I ruthlessly rubbed her weak spot with my finger. She squirmed almost violently, to the point I had to tighten my grip on her horn-And it all came together.

“MMMMNGH! MMMMMMMMMMNNGGHHH~!” Twilight squirted, gushing out like a firehose, all over my face and jaw as her body contacted like an accordion! My ears were saved from her shriek only by her hoof, but as it was she was still bellowing around the gag. I was briefly concerned, and had to hold her kicking hindlegs in my shoulders to keep her from thrashing about. I kept her tail trapped under my weight, even as she tried to whip it around.

I slowly eased off the pressure on her, letting my teeth relax. This had the benefit of letting me lap up any remaining juices as my finger gently rubbed elsewhere inside her vagina.

She slowly calmed down, just enough that I didn’t think she’d throw me off. She withdrew her hoof from her mouth, her drool dripping from it, as she sucked in deep, desperate breaths of air. Her musk was filling the air, a perfume that seemed to send all my blood right to my cock.

I crawled up on top of her, pinning her down by her shoulders. She looked up at me, mouth agape and sucking in air, eyes slightly glazed. She looked down, her ever present blush much deeper than before. She made a worried knicker.

“Sh-Shepherd, I-”

“Shhh,” I hushed her. I leaned down to nuzzle her. “Crazy horse… You’ve got exactly one thing to care about right now.”

“Wh-What?” Twilight whispered. I kissed her, muffling any cry she might make as I slowly forced my cock into her waiting pussy. It was a good thing, too-She was immediately crying out down my throat as I pushed in, parting her tightness like a nail driving into wood.

I felt a barrier, and somewhere in my mind that wasn’t consumed by the heat and wetness, I remembered that horses, like most large mammals, did have hymens. A fact not lost on Twilight, who patted me urgently enough on the shoulder I broke the kiss. She took deep breaths, her chest heaving.

“W-Wait…!” She looked up at her horn. “Please.. Just…!”

I released my grip, but kept my fingers running up and down her horn. She groaned, but she was able to focus long enough to shoot a bit of purple energy from her horn into her belly. She looked up at me with a smile, still pulling in deep lungfuls of air.

“O-Okay… It won’t hurt now,” she whispered. “Please…!”

I smiled at her, again holding her horn. Her eyes rolled back and she grinned, and that’s all I needed to slam into her, deep. She again cried out, my mouth too late to silence her. She curled up again like she was doing a sit up, her legs wrapping tight around my waist and shoulders.

It was tight. So tight I couldn’t recall a human woman being like this. Hot too, and so deliciously wet and sloppy every move I made was like through warm oil.

Her internal muscles though… My dick felt like the hands of goddesses were stroking, caressing and squeezing it! Her lower lips kept winking around me, massaging my base!

Crap. One thrust in and I was almost ruined for any more human women.

Then I pulled out, her tight pussy doing everything in its power to draw me back in, and I let out a groan.

Okay… Definitely ruined for human women.

Twilight’s cries were loud as I began to get into a rhythm-Loud enough I kept trying to kiss her to keep her quiet. It didn’t do any good though-I needed air and to cry out too, so soon we were both making a lot of noise. Any concern for that though seemed to vanish, the harder I pounded her. I felt her tail wrap around my thigh, her hooves digging into my ass and shoulders, her teats squeezed against my waist and how her cries and gasps got louder.

The floor creaked as I pounded into her, that singular drive taking over. All my life, endless distraction had ruled my mind but in this moment? There was only one thing I cared about-Making this mare mine. Over and over and over I thrust in, that delicious tightness pulling me back in as surely as her desperate pleas for more!

I was so overwhelmed that even my own orgasm crept up on me-Her sopping wet pussy a symphony in flesh! And I added my own finale: One loud, almost violent pounding finale as my balls slapped against her tight rump. I recalled that horses often bit their mates in coitus, and my teeth found her neck and clamped down. She screamed, so loudly my ears almost hurt. I was beyond caring though, as I exploded with a muffled roar deep inside her.

I felt her womb slurp up every drop I put into her, and I’ll be honest-It was a lot. A lot more than I was used to. I hadn’t masturbated a lot since I got here, because it always made quite a mess. I don’t know what it was: The magic in the air maybe? I had no clue. All I did know was that I was filling her up like a hose, a bulge forming in her belly like a purple water balloon.

Seeing this, I almost hoped I could get her pregnant.

I kept thrusting, a few more times, her pussy still a heavenly place drawing out all my seed. I finally slowed as her body relaxed. I joined her, my arms already around her. I cuddled her tightly, and she nuzzled me back. She licked the sweat from my skin, humming in a tired, happy way. I finally let go of her horn, and scritched behind her ears. Twilight cooed, burying her nose in my chest.

“Haa… Haaa… Haaa... “ I panted. “I think… I think I’m… Okay… With being attracted to ponies.”

“G-Good… Good…” Twilight mumbled, her eyes sliding shut. It didn’t take long for her to start making cute little snoring sounds, tucked tightly against my body. I very slowly, gingerly, stood up-I had to lean back to balance her weight.

Remember kids: Lift with your legs, not your back. Especially when an exhausted unicorn is on your cock.

I don’t even know how I got her up to her bedroom, but I managed it. It was only then I pulled out-And I kind of regretted it. That massive load I’d shot into her began to leak out onto the mattress, along with her own juices. I grimaced, and awkwardly positioned her as the little spoon. I got up behind her as the big spoon, and pulled the unspoiled sheets over us.

It would have to do for tonight…

The next morning, I felt a distinct lack of body heat against me. I also felt the sun in my eyes, so that was another annoyance. I groaned and opened my eyes, cursing that Celestia even existed. Stupid pony princess with her stupid sun converting hydrogen into helium at me…

I leaned up and rubbed my temples. I sighed loudly, and looked around the room. I blinked as I noticed something. Or rather, the lack of something.

The odor of sex was gone. Completely. I checked the bed-Not a drop of sex juices left! My clothes were on a nearby chair, nearly folded and cleaned.

For a moment, I wondered if I’d imagined it.

Then Twilight trotted up into the room, a platter of breakfast held in her telekinetic grip. She stared at me, blushed, and looked down.

Okay Dorothy. Looks like you did fuck a pony last night.

“Sh-Shepherd, um,” Twilight began slowly, as she trotted up to the side of the bed. She placed the platter down in front of me, still not meeting my eyes. “I… I’m so sorry.”

I blinked. “Oh?” I asked. It seemed as good a response as any. Twilight nodded.

“I am. I… I feel like I almost forced you into this,” she admitted. “I-I mean, you took control pretty fast because um… I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know what I was doing before that…” Twilight held her hooves to her cheeks, her breathing becoming faster. “Oh Celestia, what have I done?! I’m a-I’m a-!”

“Woah woah woah!” I said. My hand again grasped her horn, and she froze. “Once again… Calm. Down,” I said. Twilight slowly looked at me, again blushing bright red. She swallowed loudly.

“I… You’re right, you’re right,” she mumbled. I scratched her head, and I sighed.

“Look,” I began, “this… This wasn’t ideal. Hell, this probably wasn’t your ideal way to… You know, lose your virginity.”

Twilight blushed harder, and glanced aside. “No,” she admitted. “But it was-I really enjoyed it.”

“Well, so did I,” I said. “This was completely consensual sex in the missionary position, Twilight: That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“The what position?” Twilight asked, curious. I smiled.

“I’ll explain later,” I said. “But look. Yes, you went nuts. Yes we had sex. Yes, I enjoyed it. So did you. So… Is there anything you really need to worry about?”

Twilight shook her head slowly. “I… A few things,” she admitted. I pulled her up into my lap, ignoring her squeal. I turned her to look at me and smiled.

“So let’s deal with them together,” I said. “You don’t have to face it alone.” I cupped her cheek, and she blushed prettily.

Maybe it was the sex talking. I mean, it had been a while. Maybe it was seeing a lot of her own fretting in me. How I was when I first got here. But there was a part of me that deeply cared for this little, crazy unicorn. And that part didn’t want to freak out.

“All right,” Twilight said with a nod. She looked at me, determined. “We’ll face it together… As we continue to explore the magic of not just friendship… But also romance! If... If you'd like?”

She looked so hopeful, how could I turn her down?

Also, pussy. Hard to turn that down too.

“Ah,” I began, and then shrugged. “Okay. Sounds good to me.”

“So let’s explore more of it, right now,” Twilight said happily. She leaned in for a kiss, which I happily returned. It was so nice that neither of us heard the clopping of hooves on the staircase.

“Twilight! Spike heard screaming last night! Poor dear stayed with me, is everything-?” Began Rarity, before she abruptly stopped. Twilight broke the kiss first, looking back over her shoulder. The entirety of her friends, the other holders of the Elements of Harmony (plus Spike) were staring with slack jaws at the scene. Nobody said anything… Until…

“Wow! One less crazy catlady in our future group!” Pinkie Pie cried cheerfully. Rainbow Dash began to laugh hard. Applejack flushed, and tried to pull the now catatonic Spike away. Rarity immediately began barraging us with questions, as Fluttershy just blushed bright red.

Twilight seemed to have gone catatonic as well, seeing as she was frozen on my lap. I sighed and patted her on the head.

“Lesson one,” I managed. “Lock the door.”

Author's Note

Less comedy, more sex. So, how'd I do?

If the response is positive enough, I'll probably do more such one shots-Involving different ponies as Twilight decides to study the magic of romance thoroughly. Yes, it is probably just an excuse to get laid a lot. Shepherd is not going to complain about that... Much.

Let the Research Begin!

You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

So, there’s an entire genre of fiction about a normal Earth human ending up in a strange, magical world of fantasy and adventure. In Japan it’s called ‘isekai’. It is a wish fulfillment fantasy of course, but that’s what fiction is for! And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to escape the real world and get away from it all. At least for a little while.

Of course, people writing this stuff never had the real thing happen to them. With no means of getting home. Surrounded by aliens in a chaotic world of gigantic monsters and living gods. Of having to actually count the minutes as time went by. Of being hunted and terrified. Of being isolated.

“Shepherd!”

A bright and happy female voice broke into my thoughts, and I turned from my brooding. Twilight Sparkle was there, beaming like the sun and lighting up the library. I returned the smile, my dark mood vanishing.

Hey, it wasn’t like it was all doom and gloom.

“Yes Twilight?” I asked with a grin. She floated a book in front of me. I took it into my hands, and blew the dust off it.

“I found a book on humans!” She said happily. I raised an eyebrow.

“‘To Serve Man’?” I asked. Twilight nodded.

“It’s a cookbook!” She said cheerfully. I began thumbing through the pages, and was relieved-Yes, it was a cookbook. But not to make food from humans. Just food for humans.

Seriously though, was this entire world just built on puns? Or was that how the magic that let us understand each other translated everything?

Oh right, Twilight was still talking.

“Yes! This means humans have been in Equestria before!” Twilight said happily. “It’s hard to find out more though, because the legends about them are so old! This book was kept in a preservation spell enchanted safe! It’s so ancient, but it was kept like it was just a few decades old! Don’t you just love the smell of old books?”

“I really do,” I said happily. I nuzzled her happily. She beamed, and sucked in a deep breath through her nostrils. She nuzzled me back more eagerly.

“So, do you like it?” She asked. I beamed.

“I love it! I’d be happy to put it to good use once I get some meat,” I said. Twilight hummed.

“I’ll be much happier if I get some meat soon,” she said.

I blinked. “But I thought you were an herbivore.”

Twilight flushed. “Um, I was referring to… A different kind of meat. You know?” She beamed. “I’m trying sexual innuendos, as part of my research into romance. What do you think?”

“It uh… It’s all in the presentation,” I said. Twilight drooped a bit. I beamed. “But I bet somepony still wants to have sex while reading her new book!”

Twilight blushed, and her jaw dropped. She began panting. “Y-You mean… We can… Do it while reading?!” She gasped. I nodded.

“Yes. You can actually combine a lot of things with sex-GAH!”

She pounced like a tiger in heat.

“TAKE ME NOW!”

And that was the last anyone saw of us for a while.

Of course, another part of many series in Isekei fiction is getting the girl. I suppose I did get that. Not by slaying a dragon or anything like that. Though I suppose calming down an irate, superpowered unicorn by banging her is kind of the same? If it was a hentai isekei, anyway.

If I was being honest though, it was more like she’d gotten me. I mean, I was a poor alien with few marketable skills and she’s the apprentice to the Princess herself. I felt like a cabana boy.

So I decided to make myself useful however I could. Namely, in help with Twilight’s research.

“So, males find fighting to be a form of friendship?” Twilight asked, fascinated, as we walked towards Sweet Apple Acres. It was a beautiful day out and I was going out to fix the plumbing.

“With the right friend, yes,” I said. “If you’re fighting a friend, you’re pushing each other to grow stronger with someone you trust. There’s a difference between a bad fight, and a good fight.”

Twilight was furiously writing this down in her notebook, nodding eagerly. “Yes! It’s a means of letting out aggression in a healthy way to improve one another, and thus the bonds of friendship for an entire group!” She grinned up at me. “Thank you for this insight, Shepherd!”

“It’s no problem,” I said with a smile. “More than likely the stallions of your race have similar bonding methods.”

“It’s just that, female and male views of friendship can be so different,” Twilight explained, “and it’s hard to understand at times! But there’s nothing wrong with those differences.” She beamed. “It’s great to learn about these things!”

“Without a chaotic adventure that nearly ends the world?” I asked dryly. Twilight blushed hard, and shrugs.

“It just… Sort of happens,” she said. I reached out and rubbed the top of her head, making her whinny happily.

“I suppose being a hero who has saved the world twice attracts more attention,” I said. “Or more responsibility. That attracts more attention.”

“Huh, I wonder if it does?” Twilight murmured, looking thoughtful. “Given that magic does allow for limited reality bending, maybe it also affects the probability? So the odds of stranger things increases the more magical power is involved…” She muttered to herself, and writing down strange looking mathematical formulae on paper. She kept trotting away, and I had to bump her to the side to avoid running into the fence surrounding Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight started, and blushed.

“Oh, sorry. I got a little carried away,” she said. She tucked that notebook away into a saddlebag. “One science experiment at a time!”

“Yeah, about that,” I began as we headed up to the house. “What sort of experiment are we talking about here? It won’t involve my dissection, right?”

“Of course it won’t!” Twilight cried. “But it will involve exploration of romance!”

“Okay, so,” I started, as we went up to the front door, “what kind of romance?”

Twilight knocked on the door with her hoof. Applejack opened it, greeting us with a wide smile.

“Howdy Twilight! Howdy Shepherd!” Applejack said happily. “So, what’s this here experiment about, anyhow?”

“I’m glad you asked, Applejack,” Twilight said happily. “It will start with a nice, simple interview. To establish romantic wants and desires.”

“Oh,” I said with a nod. The orange farmpony nodded back. We both looked relieved.

“And then,” Twilight continued, still with that maddeningly cheerful smile, “sexual compatibility!”

“Wait, what?” We both asked at the same time.

Author's Note

I think I'll alternate clop with non-clop chapters.

Apple Clop

You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

More clop. Hope you like it.

So it turns out that for a girl-er mare-that was assigned to study the magic of friendship, Twilight Sparkle was about the worst at small talk you could imagine. Also being subtle: She was not good at that. In conversation, anyway. She was quite subtle when it came to chess. Conversation though?

“So Applejack, what kind of stallions do you like? And what is your sexual history with them?”

Well, we were sitting in Applejack’s sitting room talking about Applejack’s sexual history without any preamble. So yeah, I think my point is made.

Applejack, to her credit, took Twilight’s My Autism Is Amazing moment with her usual grace. She blushed hard, and glanced over at me. I shrugged, and she sighed.

“Well. Ah suppose ah lahk strong stallions. Confident ones, too-Not too sure of themselves, o’ course, but know who they are and own it. Good, honest ones… And ah suppose ah uh, kind of lahk pegasi.” Her blush grew. “Wings are nice.”

“I see,” Twilight said, rapidly writing this down. She looked up and beamed. “You have sexual history with pegasi then?”

“Ah didn’t say that!” Applejack interjected. Twilight looked at her, still smiling. She sighed, still blushing hard. “Ah… Ah suppose.. Yeah. Once,” she admitted. “Or twice.”

“So…?” Twilight asked, leaning forward. She was eager to hear more. Frankly, I wasn’t. I was beginning to wonder why I’d come.

“Well,” Applejack began, “it weren’t nothin’ too… Complicated. Or romantic. Jest crazy horny teens havin’ fun. Cider ‘n heavy pettin’. Ah never let on about it, cause Big Mac would kill ‘em.”

“Ah, yes, that would be an issue,” Twilight said thoughtfully. “He doesn’t seem overprotective.”

“You ain’t seen ‘im when stallions are around,” Applejack said dryly. “Ones that want to watch me buckin’ apples.”

“I see,” Twilight said, rubbing her chin with her hoof. “Would you say that’s… An annoyance?”

Applejack looked over at me, blushed, and then back to Twilight. “Well… Ah would say, yes. It absolutely is.”

I leaned back on the couch, and sighed. Wow this couch was comfortable. It was like it was so comfortable, it was literally sapping my will to stay awake from me. Clearly it was some kind of Earth pony magic, if it was this comfy. I felt my eyes begin to droop.

“Would you say that you’d like more chances to… Explore your sexuality?” Twilight asked.

“Well… Ah would but… Ah’m not comfortable wit mares. Despite mah rivalry with Dash, ah am one hundred percent straight,” Applejack responded. Twilight smiled and nodded.

“I understand. I don’t exactly know if I like mares as well as stallions though-I mean, my first time was with an alien stallion…”

Their conversation became dull droning. I began to doze. My thoughts wandered as everything became warm and soft.

… And then I noticed something warm, soft and wet around my dick. Actually, make that two things. I slowly opened my eyes.

Applejack was lapping with her broad tongue all over my length, which had hardened from the stimulation. Up and down she went, her tongue fluttering over the underside. I let out a groan-One that deepened as Twilight took one of my balls into her mouth and suckled noisily.

“Ahhh… Haa…!” I groaned. Okay, somehow I knew this was probably going to be happening. That Applejack was good at giving head? That was a surprise.

Twilight came up, dragging her tongue up my cock, and lightly touching hers to Applejack’s. The farm pony licked back, before pulling back just enough to let Twilight wrap her lips around the head of my penis. The soft, wet warmth on the head of my dick was wonderful, and I groaned happily as she sucked like it was a lolly pop. Applejack hummed thoughtfully, and pulled Twilight back.

Both Twilight and I groaned in disappointment. Applejack chuckled softly, her green eyes locking with mine.

“Here sugah… Let me show ya how it’s done,” she murmured. She began slurping up and down my dick, her lips and tongue working together to barrage my length with a storm of sloppy pleasure. Her hoof slid up and cupped my balls, making me suck in a deep breath and release it as a low growl.

“Ohhh… Fuck, Applejaaaaack…”

“Wow,” Twilight panted, watching intently. Applejack went up and down, up and down, her saliva positively dripping down to my testes. She slowly slathered her way up to the tip, paying special attention to my glans-It made me shudder, and grip the couch cushions hard.

Then, Applejack looked into my eyes, and slowly, slowly, spread her mouth open and slid my dick right in. Down… Down… I felt her throat muscles, and felt them contact around me. Her tongue lapped all over my cock, never giving it a moment’s rest. Her head sunk down, lower, more of my length vanishing. The heat and moisture made my eyes roll back into my head, and my fingers dug hard into the cushions.

Then she began humming.

“Mmmmm… Hmmm…”

She went all the way to the hilt, her nose buried in my curly pubic hair. I felt I was drooling, watching her. Her eyes once again locked with mine, and she moved up, the suction tugging on my cock like a vacuum cleaner. Twilight was drooling too, utterly enraptured. She was writing on two notepads at once with her magic, scribbling away frantically.

Up… Down… Up… Down… Applejack’s hooves stroked my balls and the base of my cock, every time she moved up. She breathed hard through her nostrils, blowing me like it was the only thing in the universe that mattered. Heat flowed from my brain to my cock and back again. My hands went up to her blonde mane and grasped her head, hard. I yanked her up and down, my hips unable to hold back.

Amazingly, Applejack didn’t complain. If anything, she became more enthusiastic! Her tongue and lips and cheeks all went to work, as she happily helped me fuck her throat. Again, her eyes met mine and she smiled around my dick…

That was it for me. My balls contracted and the heat blasted from my dick. I think I yelled something, maybe her name, but every pulse of my seed robbed me of my senses.

Applejack noisily gulped it all down, keeping her lips as tight around me as a gasket on a diesel engine. All the tension that existed in my body seemed to vanish, and I slid down into the couch as the afterglow set in. Applejack’s cheeks bulged as she very carefully pulled away. She kept her lips shut, and she turned to the gasping Twilight.

“Ap-Applejack, what are you-?”

Applejack grabbed the back of Twilight’s head, and pulled her into a kiss. It was then that I saw it: White goo, dripping out from the seal of their lips. My cum.

Holy shit she was feeding my cum to Twilight and Twilight was loving it.

Applejack pulled back, panting softly with an open mouth. She turned to me, and lowered her tongue. Just enough I could see into her mouth, and see the globs of my semen still in there. She then closed her mouth, and swallowed loudly. Her grin was smug, as Twilight finished noisily swallowing what Applejack had shared.

“Mmm… Tastes mighty fine, Shepherd,” she drawled softly. “Don’t you agree, Twilight?”

“I… Y-Yeahhh…” Twilight murmured, looking almost drunk. I couldn’t blame her. “Andrew? How… How was that?”

“That? That was… W-Wow,” I managed. “So wow…”

It was hard to think beyond anything than mate and hot females and breed and holy shit...

“Rarity brags about her skills,” Applejack smirked, “but she ain’t the only blowjob princess…”

“You’re teaching me everything,” Twilight insisted. Applejack beamed, and gave Twilight a friendly pat on her head.

“Don’tchu worry none. Won’t be too long before yer makin’ him look like that,” she said. Twilight beamed back.

“Well then, I should only be fair,” she said. “I think Shepherd should return the favor.”

Favor? Right, favor… What was a favor again?

Applejack blushed. “Well… Ain’t nothin’ ya gotta do right now… Though ah’ll admit, ah’m mighty worked up.” She looked up at me. She turned around, and looked back over her shoulder. Her tail was already flagging, revealing her dripping wet pussy and winking clit. “Ah mean, ah reckon them fingers are better fer this than hooves, so ya can-”

I found my strength, and my cock became rigid once again. I grabbed Applejack’s firm, meaty asscheeks and pulled her onto the couch. She yelped as I pushed her down into the cushions, and I took hold of my length. I could faintly hear protests, but her pussy told me everything the second I rammed right into her.

Plow me good and hard, it seemed to say. And judging from the slutty moan Applejack released as I penetrated her, I had heard correctly.

I wrapped my arms around her barrel and began plowing away, my balls slapping against her as I fucked. She rammed her bottom back into me, her strength impressive. Almost frightening. But I held on-This was one horse that wasn’t bucking me off!

Okay that sounded kind of weird. Oh well.

Everything was heat and warmth and Applejack shrieking, as Twilight eagerly watched and scribbled. I felt the farm pony’s hot pussy contract around me, tighter and stronger than Twilight had when she came… And came…

And still I pounded her, everything else rendered less important. Everything but the hot mare moaning under me and my urgent need to breed her. I took hold of her mane and pulled back, hard. Her pussy seemed to shrink around me, and I felt and heard her squirt all over me. She again looked up at me, green eyes locking with mine. Her mouth panted, her broad tongue hanging out. Then Twilight’s eyes met mine… And she smoothly grabbed Applejack’s cheek, turned her to face her, and kissed her messily. Their tongues writhed in their cheeks like mating pythons.

And on that admittedly disgusting mental image… I hit my orgasm again, my seed exploding inside Applejack’s vagina like a fire hydrant being ripped open by Superman. She contracted again and again, milking me for every drop. I held on tight, her bucking becoming less intense. We both sank into the couch, holding tightly onto each other. Twilight joined the cuddle ball, nuzzling and kissing us both.

“Haa… Haaa… S-So,” Twilight began, “what… What do you think of… Humans and other mares?”

Applejack panted hard, and looked up slowly. I brushed from sweaty locks of hair from her face. She smiled up at me, and then at Twilight.

“Ah think… Ah like the former more than the latter… But ah’m open t’ more experimentation.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Twilight murmured softly. She planted a kiss on my cheek. “Mmm… You’re such a good research aid.”

“And coltfriend,” I reminded her. Twilight nuzzled me more, kissing me on the lips.

“Absolutely,” she said. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said with a smile, “I can think of some ways to make it up to me…”

Yup. I was definitely going to hell. But what a ride.

Author's Note

Well, that was Applejack. Who should be next?

Widen the Sample Size

You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

So, I don’t think Captain Kirk quite had this in mind for making it with alien women. I don’t think anyone did. And I’m still kind of freaked out about how… Easy it was to adapt.

Well, okay, maybe not that easily. It was still weird, in some ways. Okay, many ways. It was like having sex with a human woman who had pony legs, a pony tail, a pony-ish head, had short fur all over her body-That isn't helping. That really isn't helping.

But at the end of the day, I still had a sexy threesome with two alien girls. That they resembled equines in some way was irrelevant-My penis didn’t care.

The fact I’d pounded them until they’d both passed out from orgasms was also another major boost to the old pride.

Of course, that had come with having to frantically wake Twilight up to use magic to clean up minutes before the rest of the Apple Clan had returned. We’d just narrowly made it, though the little smirk Granny Smith had shot me as I explained Applejack had been put under an experimental sleeping spell told me she wasn’t entirely convinced.

Well, at least Big Macintosh had been fooled. I hoped.

I hadn’t been bucked through a tree so I was probably safe for now.

In any event, Twilight and I adjourned to her treehouse/library and she began writing down her findings eagerly. I sat by her at the table, as she happily inscribed all her thoughts and feelings, occasionally asking me questions. Questions I dutifully answered.

“Yes, I did feel a primal sense of accomplishment,” I said. “No I don’t think I can rate it on a scale of 1 to 10… I dunno, let’s call it a 10?”

Definitely a 10. Having this surge in testosterone was amazing.

“Which probably means I’ll need to modify the scales for future experiments,” Twilight commented distractedly, several quills going all over several pieces of parchment.

I sighed, and reached out to scratch her back, dragging my fingernails through her short fur. She groaned and shivered, and gave me a mock angry look.

“Shepherrrrd… I need to get this all down while it’s fresh in my mind!” She whined. I sighed and lifted my hands away from her.

“Fine, fine. I don’t have to give you a back scratch and rub while you work. I absolutely do not have to do that,” I said with a wry grin. Twilight blushed, and worked her jaw as she looked back at her scrolls.

“I-I didn’t say that,” she said. I got up and went over to the other side of the library, to browse the books. I shrugged, pulling out a book at random and flipping through it. Twilight’s scratching with her quills slowed down just a bit.

“No, no, you don’t have to… I may have been hasty-” Twilight began. I shook my head, eyes locked onto the passages.

“Not at all! Not at all, work comes first,” I said. “Actually this is very interesting-I had no idea you had inter-tribal wars between the Ponies. Lots of attempts to conquer the Earth ponies. Lots of failed attempts, that is neat. Then again I’ve met Applejack, the Doctor, and Pinkie Pie so that would explain things,” I said, wandering back. Twilight’s quills nearly slowed to nothing.

“You’d be helping me,” she said.

“No, it’s a distraction. You said it yourself,” I replied, leaning up against the wall of the tree library with a smile, my eyes still on the book. “I’d be distracting you.”

“You’re distracting me now!” Twilight complained. “At least distract me in a pleasant way!”

I looked up at her with a little grin. She scowled at me, but her cheeks were flushed. “This isn’t pleasant? Aren’t we having a pleasant conversation? Right now?”

“It’s less than pleasant for me,” she said. “Why are you so… Flirty and…?” She beamed. “Oh! Increase in male confidence from mating two mares at the same time! This is interesting! You’re flirting with me and talking like-”

“Like Tony Stark,” I said.

“Who?” Twilight asked. I shook my head and smiled.

“I’ll explain later,” I said. “As I recall, someone wanted to combine back scratches with work, right? And not have me flirt with her?”

“The flirting is fine, keep that up. The lack of backscratching is what you have to change,” she said. I shrugged and walked up behind her. I sat down and resumed scratching her. She sighed happily.

Spike the dragon walked in, and let out a low groan. “If you two are going to keep doing stuff like this, can you at least buy me my own house? So I don’t have to see it?”

“Think of it as practice for Rarity, don’t be a pussy,” I commented. Spike blushed heavily.

“I-How am I a cat?!”

“That’s a good question ooohh,” Twilight moaned happily.

I sighed, closing my eyes. The temptation to do evil with this was too great. Thankfully, I am the greatest.

“... Yes you’re like a cat. A soft, usually hairless, wet cat,” I said.

Well I’m all right.

Yeah, Twilight wasn't very happy about learning that bit of slang. Well she kind of was, new knowledge and all. But she didn't like the prank. Which I did apologize for. I'm not an asshole.

And to Spike. Though I had to buy him a lot of Power Ponies comics. Yes, they have comic books.

As compared to Earth's comics? Well that's not really fair. We've had graphic novels for much longer, so the medium hasn't evolved or developed nearly as much. It's more like the Silver Age, with all that it implies. Gwen Stacy has not been killed yet, so to speak.

No Dark Knight Returns, no Watchmen... Subsequently no Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. So no Frank Miller yet. Maybe they'll get it right. Maybe they won't, we'll have to see.

And yes, I know Frank Miller didn't write Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can feel the nerd pedantry from a universe across. I can't remember the names of the guys who did. I just know it was Frank Miller's incredible grittiness that inspired them to parody it. There. We done with the pedantry?

We're never done with the pedantry.

Sorry, bit of a sore point for me.

Anyway, it was probably not that huge a surprise that eventually, the Princesses would find out about Twilight's new relationship. And that she was doing a whole lot of research into it. It wasn't like I didn't think of the potential consequences, I just figured that Princess Celestia would recognize that Twilight Sparkle was a grown mare capable of making her own decisions. And that I wasn't some alien monster trying to impregnate her to take over the planet.

Well I am an alien. Kind of a monster. Impregnation? We'll see. Take over the planet? Not unless you're talking about a fast food franchise. Or maybe a cartoon show. "Shepherd and his Human Hijinks." Good title.

The point is, when I saw Princess Luna and Princess Celestia waiting for me when I returned to the library, I wasn't that surprised.

"Your Majesties," I said with a polite nod. I don't bow or kneel. I'm an American damnit.

They didn't seem to mind, returning the polite nods. Luna was blushing and looking away from me right after though, as her older sister kept smiling.

"Andrew Shepherd," Celestia said, "it is a pleasure to see you again. How are you doing?"

"Well," I said, tucking my tools into a nearby closet. Celestia nodded.

"Busy day?" She asked, indicating my rather dirty clothing. I shrugged.

"Yeah, busy. Ten mares wanted me to fix their plumbing, five more wanted their heaters fixed. One wanted me to plow her flower garden, that's where I just came from." I shrugged. "I'm not complaining about the money though."

Luna's cheeks burned brighter red. Celestia's smile became a bit saucier.

"Oh? Without Twilight Sparkle?" She asked. I shrugged again, stripping off my work jacket.

"She's got her own work to do. Lots of experiments to run, I can handle things myself," I said.

Celestia nodded. "Yes, truly you are a hard working stallion. Earn every bit. I am pleased to see you so industrious!"

I smiled back. "Thank you! I uh... I don't like hand outs," I admitted as I went to the kitchen. I began washing my face and arms, vigorously scrubbing the dirt and sweat away. "So! Is this an official call? State business? Just for tea? I can make tea."

"Tea would be lovely, yes," Celestia said happily. "Luna, how do you take your tea?"

"Um... H-Honey," she murmured. I emerged from the kitchen, drying off with a towel.

"Sure you wouldn't like Shepherd to give you some sugar?" Celestia asked. "Why don't you ask him for some?"

"Um... Shepherd," she murmured, shyly trying to look up at me through her bangs. "Can you give me... Some sugar? For my tea?"

I smiled. She was still so small and cute. "Sure! Not a problem," I said. "Does Twilight know you're coming?" I walked back into the kitchen, put the kettle on the boil, and started pulling together the tea set. Princesses Celestia's voice echoed from the main library room.

"No," Celestia said, "so I expect she'll be quite surprised."

I could already imagine the incoming freakout. I mentally sighed.

"Oh yes, that's one word for it," I admitted. The kettle whistled, and I poured the hot water into the teapot on the tray. I mixed in the tea leaves carefully, until the water was a nice, deep brown. I then let it steep, with the cover on. I got the sugar, honey, and cookies together, waiting a bit longer on the tea. When I was sure it was done, I poured the tea from the pot through a nice filter into the cups, the steam wafting from all of them in a nice, relaxing way. This done, I carefully picked the whole set up, and carried it out. Luna and Celestia were already sitting on a couch, so I sat in the chair facing them after carefully depositing the tea set onto the table between us. I snagged a cup and cookie after they had taken theirs with magic, and I chewed on the cookie thoughtfully. Celestia was still smiling that strange, almost saucy smile of hers. Luna still was blushing. I frowned deeply.

"So," I began, trying to probe for answers with my usual subtlety, "is this where I get the shovel speech? You can make it, if you'd like."

Celestia's smile didn't waver. "Shovel speech?" She asked. Luna perked up in curiosity. I grimaced, but pressed on.

"You know," I began, swirling the tea around in my cup, "the speech every parent gives to the guy dating their daughter? Like, 'if you hurt Twilight Sparkle I will kill you and bury you with this shovel'? Something like that?"

Celestia chuckled, as Luna looked back down at her tea. "Oh Shepherd," Celestia said kindly, "you are probably fully aware of what I could do to you if I really, truly had any worries for Twilight Sparkle's safety with you as her paramour."

"I'm... Not, and I really don't want to be," I said with utter sincerity. Celestia's smile became a bit darker, and her eyes seemed to glow like flame.

"Wise decision," she said, a bit harder than before. She then returned to her previous saucy, happy expression. "So no! I'm not here to do that. I can't say the same for Twilight's parents, but I imagine they also respect their daughter's independence enough to let her make a few mistakes."

"Ouch," I replied. Celestia tittered, as I smiled a bit self deprecatingly. "No need to be that honest: You're a politician, after all. Try lying a bit more."

"The best lies are mixed with truth," Celestia said, sipping her tea delicately. "It makes it easier to swallow. But no, we did not come for that reason."

I nodded slowly. "Okay, so... If it's just teatime then Luna should still be sleeping so... Why is she here? Uh, no offense," I said quickly to Luna. "Sorry. Didn't mean to imply anything."

Luna looked up at me, muttered something about it being no big deal, and quickly looked back down. Celestia laughed softly again.

"It's quite all right," she said gently. "The real reason is quite simple. I wanted to talk to you and Twilight about your relationship, and her... Experiment."

"Okay," I replied, "do you have any concerns?"

"No," Celestia said, and waited for me to start sipping before continuing, "I want Luna to participate."

Shepherd used Spittake. It was super effective.

Author's Note

This can be considered a sequel to "The Stars Revolt", so it's official! There's a sequel! More to come! And cum!

... I'm not sorry.

New Oversight

You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

I stared. I blinked, at some point. I didn’t know what to do or say. I felt like I’d been frozen for months as I gazed back at the two pony princesses.

“... Excuse me, what?” I managed to ask.

Luna immediately bowed her head, scooting back to take shelter behind Celestia. I felt bad about my tone, and opened my mouth to apologize. However, Celestia silenced me with a look, and pushed Luna back up.

“I would like Luna to join in your experiment with Twilight,” Celestia repeated. “She has been without physical intimacy or affection for a very long time. You were able to bond with her when she was possessed by Nightmare Moon. You would be ideal for helping her.”

“I, uh,” I began. “Listen, this is kind of sudden. And I’m not just a dick for hire.”

Celestia chuckled. “You don’t have any objections to lying with Twilight’s other friends, correct?” She gestured to Luna. I scratched the back of my head.

“No! I mean, not really?” I shook my head. Celestia hummed.

“Your reticence suggests otherwise. After all, Twilight did kind of force herself onto you, did she not?”

I again shook my head. “No! No!” I paused, and shrugged. “Well… Sort of?”

“PRINCESS CELESTIA! PRINCESS LUNA!”

Speak of the neurotic unicorn. Twilight galloped in and immediately threw herself at their hooves. She looked up, pleading and desperate.

“I’M SO SORRY I MISSED YOUR ARRIVAL!” She cried. “AND THAT I FORCED MYSELF ON SHEPHERD! THOUGH HE WAS IN CHARGE TOWARDS THE END I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER!”

“Nice to know her priorities,” Luna muttered. I couldn’t help a little laugh. At Twilight’s shocked look, I took a deep breath and calmed down. I walked over to Twilight and hugged her tightly. I immediately began stroking her mane, and she slowly calmed down.

“Twilight, it is clear that Shepherd bears you no ill will,” Celestia said gently, very clearly keeping her laughter under control. She leaned over and nuzzled her student gently. Twilight finally stopped hyperventilating, and looked up at her teacher in relief.

Celestia smiled, and looked over at me. “My dear Shepherd,” she said, “Twilight and Luna both have issues with intimate relationships.”

That was an understatement worthy of Queen Elizabeth II. I slowly nodded, my eyes glancing over to the skittish Luna. She looked aside, then back at me. Celestia continued to smile.

“That is why I think this experiment should continue with you,” she said. “You have proven yourself a brave, clever, and reliable companion. You bear no ill will towards anypony-You are afraid of harming their feelings. But what they need is a firm hand. A confident hand. And as you are the only one of my knights with hands, it falls to you.”

I blinked. She kept smiling. Had she just made a dad joke? Or a mom joke, in this case?

Also:

“I’m a knight?” I asked. Celestia blinked.

“Of course! You and the rest of the Element Bearers are knights, heroes of the realm,” she said. “For rescuing our beloved sister and saving Equestria.” She blinked. “Has nopony told you?”

“No!” I said. Celestia hummed.

“It should have been delivered by mail…”

There was a crash and a thud against a window. We all looked over at it. A gray pegasus with a blonde mane and eyes going in opposite directions waved, and then pushed open the window. She pulled out an envelope, and tossed it to me. She then waved again, and flew off through another window. We heard another crash, and a faint “I’M OKAY” from the pegasus.

I looked at the envelope, and tore it open. There it was: The royal seal, and a letter telling me I was a knight. I looked back up at Celestia, and shrugged.

“So… Do I get a ceremony or what?” I asked. Celestia chuckled.

“I think we can arrange for it later,” she said. “At the moment, I would like you to aid Twilight and Luna in this arrangement. Please?”

I blinked a few more times. I looked at Luna. Luna looked back at me, blushing furiously. I smiled at her.

“Listen,” I said, “I think we need to take things slow. So, how about this? You come over this Saturday night. We talk, we chat, and we have fun. Like a date. And after that, we see what happens.” I looked over at Celestia. “That would be much better for everyone, don’t you agree?”

Celestia blinked. She then blushed, and shook her head.

“Oh my. I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to imply that I wanted you two to have sex in front of me. Right now.”

Luna and Twilight became far less tense at this. I rubbed my face, as Celestia looked sheepish.

“That helps a lot,” I said honestly.

“Princess Celestia wouldn’t have wanted that!” Twilight said earnestly.

“You were thinking about it!” I shot back. Twilight blushed hard.

“I-I knew that! I just thought that for a moment!”

“It was a long moment!” I replied. Luna cleared her throat.

“I would… Like that,” she said. “To-To go on a date, that is. This Saturday night.” She bowed her head. “I look forward to it, Sir Shepherd. Lady Twilight Sparkle.”

Oh, that wasn’t going to get old any time soon. I just had to hope that Rainbow Dash didn’t hear about this. I would never hear the end of it!

“I-I look forward to it too,” Twilight said shakily. Celestia beamed, and nuzzled Luna. She smiled back at us.

“Wonderful! Thank you for the tea, Shepherd, Twilight. See you soon!”

She and Luna vanished in a flash of magic. Twilight looked up at me, and I pulled her into a hug. I patted her back.

“Come on babe, breathe, breathe,” I said. Twilight nodded, and rested her face against mine.

“Oh my, oh my,” she murmured. “I… Sex with Luna?! And you? At the same time?!”

“It doesn’t have to lead immediately into sex,” I lied. I wasn’t very convincing, as Twilight glared at me. I then shrugged.

“I mean, I’m totally fine if it does lead to that,” I said, “and I think Celestia is just being her sister’s wingman in the most awkward way possible. Maybe she’s old fashioned and just thinks fucking is the best therapy?”

Twilight grimaced. “Please,” she moaned, “don’t make me think about my teacher and sex! Please!”

“Your efforts at denial are verging on the delusional, you know,” I commented.

Twilight hit me with her hoof.

“Just let me pretend! For a little while!”

I sighed. I nuzzled her.

"Look," I said, "just chill out. All right? That's not helping. You established us as a polyamorous couple that would have threesomes with other mares. We might as well go with it."

"It's-It's not like everypony knows this!" Twilight said quickly.

Spike wandered in, eating cookies. He looked around and sighed.

"Look, can't you two go have sex in the bedroom?" He asked. "So I don't have to clean up after you two?"

"SPIKE!" Twilight cried, "HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT SEX IS?!"

Spike gave her an incredulous expression.

"Well I sure as Tartarus know now," he stated. He glared at me. "And you! Help me clean up will ya? Lazy human!"

"All right, all right, I'm sorry," I said, holding up my spare hand. "I will be more thorough about cleaning."

"Yeah, you will," Spike stated. He turned and walked out. I heard the door open and slam shut, as the dragon headed off. I looked over at Twilight. She shook her head.

"It's just Spike! How many others could know outside of him, Applejack, you, me and the Princesses?"

There was a knock at the door. I set Twilight down, and walked up to it. I opened the door, with a polite smile on my face.

"Yes?" I asked.

Rarity stood there, wearing a trenchcoat and a fedora. She smiled kindly at me, her eyes glowing eagerly.

"Darlings! Would you let me in for a moment?" She asked. I shrugged and moved aside, letting Rarity trot on it. I shut the door. Twilight smiled happily, her calm restored.

"Rarity! I'm so glad to see you!" Twilight said, "what can I do for you?"

"Oh, no," Rarity practically purred, as she hugged Twilight tightly, "you misunderstand! It's what I can do for you two! And your wonderful experiment!"

"Huh?!" Twilight gasped. I sighed, and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Applejack told you, huh?" I asked. Rarity looked over her shoulder, and beamed seductively.

"Naturally~. That poor mare can't keep a secret to save her life," she said. "I would be more than happy to engage in this experiment with you two! Teach you some new things! As romantic as it is, two virgins discovering the magic of love together-"

"I wasn't a virgin before this," I pointed out. Rarity ignored me, wrapped up in her dramatic speech.

"You need somepony more experienced, more worldly, to guide you through the finer aspects of lovemaking," she continued. "And that's where I come in~!"

Her horn lit up, and she used telekinesis to whip off her jacket and fedora. She was wearing... Black strips of plastic crisscrossing her body in alluring ways. Her saddle bags were full of various... Implements. She was smiling broadly, as Twilight looked caught between curiosity and fear.

"And to put certain slanders about me to rest," Rarity stated firmly.

"Applejack said she was better at blowjobs than you, didn't she?" I asked. Rarity scowled.

"A lady does not back down from such a challenge!" She declared. She looked over at Twilight. "I mean, darling, if you're all right with me joining? We could do anything you're comfortable with."

I held up my hands. "Maybe we should talk this out a bit more first?" I asked. "You know, follow proper procedure?" I looked over at Twilight... And she already had her notebooks and quills out for note taking. I sighed. "This isn't very scientific," I pointed out.

"It totally is," Twilight said, blushing hard. She beamed at Rarity. "Of course you can join in on the experiment! In fact, since you're so prepared, why not begin right now with Shepherd?"

"Um," I said, raising a finger, "I have some concerns."

Rarity approached me, and used her magic to push me into a chair. She slunk right up to me, and settled herself happily in my lap. She licked her lips. I felt my concerns and objections fall away.

As it turns out, sex does mellow you out. Enough of it and any internal issues about different species just seem to fall away.

"Darling," Rarity crooned, nuzzling my throat, "I recall that on your planet, you ride ponies for transportation?"

I managed a nod as she licked up my throat. I shivered as she pressed my hands down with her hooves. She looked me right in the eyes with a fervent expression that made me hard.

"Well dear, on Equestria," she whispered, "pony. Rides. You."

Author's Note

More sex next time!

Rarity's Instructions

You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

How the Equestrians used their hooves to actually grip and move things was an endless source of mystery for me when I first ended up here. But right now I wasn’t complaining-That was the furthest thing from my mind, which had gone off somewhere in Heaven.

Rarity’s hooves had begun stroking me, and despite the unknown Van der Waals force method they used to grip things, they were feeling amazing. Especially with lotion she was using as lube. I couldn’t help a groan as I leaned back in the chair, her white hooves sliding up and down my shaft with the most amazing tweaks to the underside and crown.

I would have grabbed the back of her head. However, some time when I wasn’t noticing, she’d tied my hands to the sides of the chair with string. Not very tight or secure, but enough to keep them where they were.

I was already leaking precum all over my cock, making her hoofjob even slicker. Every stroke sent another thought destroying pulse right up into my brain, and I was left practically drooling.
Her devilish blue eyes locked with mine, as she let a little smirk cross her face.

“Hmhmhm… If you think that’s good…” She cupped my balls in the frog of her hoof-Oh right, that’s what it was called, thinking was hard now-Oh goodness!

Her horn lit up, and a warm, tingly sensation covered my genitals from top to bottom. I let out a yelp as it extended past my taint and towards my asshole. I shook my head violently.

“N-N-No!” I gasped. “Not there! Not there!”

Rarity just smirked, and withdrew the force of her magic… But not all the way. She was taunting me, and the knowledge of this made me grit my teeth. I gripped the chair seat hard, the wood creaking under my fingers.

“Hm… Should I get to the main event?” Rarity asked. I managed a nod, but the grip on my balls noticeably increased-Like a hand squeezing them.

“Speak when spoken to, ape,” Rarity ordered. I managed to get my brain back into a working order.

“Y-Yes! Yes!” I hissed.

Rarity chuckled, low in her throat. She licked her lips. She opened her mouth, and in one, fluid motion, took my entire dick deep into her mouth. Her nuzzle bumped against my pubes, and my eyes nearly crossed at the hot wet suction now completely engulfing my most sensitive part.

Her tongue… Oh God… Her tongue was doing things I’d only imagined! Stroking and wiggling all over my cock, curling around it like a lock of hair, and teasing little pressure points I’d never known existed. I was definitely drooling now, my eyes locked onto the show as the rest of my
brain was occupied with the event itself.

She took me in even deeper, her throat squeezing around my length with only a minor gag. I think my eyes nearly rolled back into my sockets as she hummed, vibrating around me. She slowly, oh so slowly, pulled back and let my cock go. She licked the tip and smirked up at me, panting hard.

I could smell her arousal. It was different, a bit musky but still pure and rich. Different from Twilight’s, which was permeating the library air. I could hear her clopping furiously, something that made my dick twitch.

“Haa… So… Who’s blowjob is better~?” Rarity managed, a bit hoarsely. Or maybe a little horsely?

Goddamnit, my brain is so stupid sometimes.

"Y-You," I said. She smirked broadly.

"You're damn right you are, darling," she murmured.

"I didn't think you were so competitive, Rarity,” I managed, which was impressive given how I felt right now. Rarity smirked saucily, and slowly licked her lips.

"I'm very competitive over some things. No one makes apparel like I can, and so far, no one I've met can blow a stallion better than myself.” She looked me up and down.

“I'll have to make sure that extends to men, now, as well."

And down her gob my dick went again, her tongue coiled around me like a snake. I groaned in bliss, and I saw her lift her bottom up higher. I could hear… Dripping from her snatch, right onto the floor. And I saw Twilight, her note taking abandoned, leaning over her desk as she stroked her pussy furiously with both hooves. Her mouth was watering like a sieve and our eyes met. She bit her lower lip.

I felt a telekinetic tug, and I looked down into Rarity’s eyes. The message was clear: If I was cumming to anything, it would be her.

And that look cinched it-I groaned as I came, the semen running up, up my dick and erupting inside her hot throat. She audibly swallowed every drop, sealing her lips tightly around my base and gulping it all down… Until the last few spurts. She pulled off abruptly, strings of spittle still glittering between my cock and her muzzle. I kept cumming, grunting each spurt all over her white face. She closed her eyes like she was in the shower, and licked up every bit she could with her tongue. She let out a sigh that made the last few shots feel like I’d reached nirvana.

Twilight soon entered my field of view, her tongue lashing out at Rarity’s face. The fashionista laughed throatily, and reached up a hoof to grasp her chin. Twilight whimpered softly, hungrily.

“My, you have gotten worked up, haven’t you Twilight darling~?” Rarity asked gently. She gave her a languid kiss, and my dick seemed to forget the last several minutes entirely. My heart pounded in my head and I breathed like I was in a marathon.

Rarity paused and looked up at me.

“Ah, Twilight? Is he okay?” She asked in genuine concern. At least I think it was, my brain was starting to have trouble processing that sort of information.

“Oh! Uh, it’s a response he seems to have when very sexually stimulated,” my main mate (Twilight, I reminded myself) said, “it may be the result of magical influence, I need to do more testing. It usually leads to him-”

I broke the goddamned chair apart with my arms, and pounced on my two females. They yelped and cried out as I pinned them to the floor. I kissed Rarity deeply, dominating her mouth as she weakly struggled, and then switched to Twilight. I was slightly more gentle with her, as her legs wrapped around me.

“Ah! H-Hey! I’m in charge here!” Rarity managed. I responded by shoving two fingers up her hot, dripping hole, and she squealed. “AHHH~! O-Oh!”

Twilight’s kissing was just as desperate, and she responded back with incredible eagerness. It only increased when I grabbed her tail and tugged, hard. She parted her back legs as wide as she could, and I broke the kiss to admire the sight of her beneath me.

Then I grabbed the still squealing Rarity, turned her over, and put her on top of Twilight. Their mixed scents made my blood boil, and I resumed fingering the white mare hard. She cried out, her wet marehood rubbing up against Twilight’s, making my main mate moan loudly.

I thrust in hard, a bit clumsily, but my cock found Twilight’s pussy. I rammed in hard, fighting against her clenching muscles as she screamed loudly. Rarity bucked on top of her, but I pushed her down hard and wrapped my arms around both mares. I bucked into Twilight, the motion forcing her full pussy to grind hard against Rarity’s.

The white unicorn shrieked in bliss, her juices squirting out all over Twilight’s pussy and my cock. I felt a feral growl rise from my throat, and I let it loose as my hips rammed into Twilight harder. She was screaming again, louder this time. Rarity arched her back, and I pushed her head down against Twilight’s.

Their lips met in a delicious, messy kiss, and I leaned up enough to bury my teeth in the back of Rarity’s neck. She broke the kiss to moan, and another gush of her juices soaked out conjoined genitalia. I felt Twilight contract many times around me, her womb milking me, desperate for my seed.

I reached down into the messy furry and slick flesh and rubbed their clits furiously as I threw everything I had into pounding Twilight’s marehood. My balls slapped against her pert bottom loudly, but still muffled against the cacophony of moans, shrieks and cries my mates were making. Rarity was already humping back against my stomach, her needy pussy drooling against my occupied cock. She looked over her shoulder, gaze burning in need.

“M-Me too, me too!” She cried. I growled back, and grabbed her mane. Her eyes widened as I yanked back on her hair, mussing and ruining it with my sticky, messy fingers. I didn’t care, and judging from the orgasm she had, she didn’t either.

Twilight’s orgasms seemed to disappear into one another, her pussy so white hot it almost scalded. She was forcing her hips up into mine, trying to drive me in deeper, bucking against Rarity with animalistic fury.My dick slid past one last barrier, the suction incredible!

I couldn’t make out words in her cries, but I knew what she wanted. What we both wanted.

And I was willing to give it to her… When I felt the tingle of telekinetics against my asshole. My eyes widened as I felt the push up my rectum, against my prostate, and-!

“YESSSS!” Twilight shrieked, and I roared in bliss alongside her as I came. I shot again and again and again, my balls clenched like teeth as I emptied my second load deep into her womb. I could feel her stretching out against my hand between the two mares, and Rarity squealed softly in another orgasm.

Twilight’s back legs wrapped around mine, keeping me in. She didn’t want to let me go, and I couldn’t back out. Nor did I want to. I leaned over a bit awkwardly past the gasping Rarity to kiss Twilight. She returned it happily, her tongue lazily lapping against mine as I filled her to the brim, and then some.

Fuck… Fucking her was like being blown by Rarity.

Twilight relaxed beneath us, and slowly closed her eyes. Her heartbeat slowed, and her tongue went slack. Rarity panted softly, and nuzzled her.

“Oh… Oh my, she’s passed out,” she murmured. She looked up at me hopefully. “So… Can I have some of that~?”

I gripped her white buttocks tightly, making her squeal. I then slapped her ass hard, making it jiggle pleasantly. She yelped. I glared hard at her.

“I didn’t ask for that,” I growled. She shivered, but gave me a smug, unrepentant smile. I felt her magic tickle at my ass again. I slapped her own bottom, hard, and she trembled.

“N-No… But you enjoyed it~,” she sang. “Maybe you should punish me for it~?”

I picked her up and gathered her into my arms. I stepped carefully over the sleeping Twilight, and slammed Rarity up against the nearest, non-book shelf carrying wall. She squealed in delight, and gave me a feral grin.

“I’m going to ride you until you’re broken,” I snarled, and her lower lips fluttered and squirted. She moaned happily as I rammed up into her tight pussy, grasped her messy hair and yanked, and bit down on her throat hard enough to draw blood.

“Break me then~,” she groaned. “Break your mare~!”

I pounded her with everything I absolutely had, hard enough to make the bookshelves nearby shake. I slapped her titties hard enough to leave red marks through the white fur, and spanked her ass until her cutie mark had a faint red hand-shaped bruise over it. I nearly pulled her mane out as my mouth devoured her own. Her tail wrapped around my lower leg as her hooves futilely tried to leave scratches on my back.

Did we have a safe word? Had we decided on one? I couldn’t remember.

She bit my shoulder hard, and I gasped at the pain as I felt my cock slip past one last barrier. Her eyes were wide and threatening to roll back, and again, that cheeky bit of magic was trying to press my backdoor button.

I thrust two wet fingers up her own asshole in retaliation, forcefully and without lube. Her resulting scream was buried in my kiss as she held onto me for dear life.

Goddamnit, I came again. Flooding her depths with my hot seed, and making her womb balloon up from all that there was. I broke the kiss to hear her gasps and cries as our mixed juices ran down my legs onto the floor.

I saw Twilight slowly trot up, and lap at our joined sexes. I reached down to rub the top of her head, and she nuzzled me back. My senses returned to me, slowly, before I got a look at the messy state Rarity was in. Twilight got it too, and winced.

“Oh! Oh, Rarity, are you all right?” Twilight asked. I shook my head.

“I’m sorry if I… If I got a bit rough-” I tried, but Rarity just smiled. She then squeezed around me, hard, and my knees threatened to buckle.

“Not at all,” Rarity sighed happily. “I happen to… Enjoy it when things get rough. Primal. Unrestrained,” she moaned. She gave me a cheeky smile. “And it’s worth exploring, don’t you think? After all,” she hummed, “I hope to have a primal lover of my own, some day. When he grows up. If you’re all right with it, Twilight dear?”

Twilight blinked a few times.

“... Are you… Are you really asking me, after having a threesome with my coltfriend and I, if you can fuck Spike when he’s older?” Twilight asked in disbelief.

“Technically we’re still having the threesome,” I said, my dick twitching in Rarity’s still very tight pussy.

Rarity shrugged.

“Is there a perfect time to ask that?” She questioned.

We were both silent. We looked at one another.

“... She has a point,” I muttered. Rarity wiped her running mascara, and smiled happily.

“So, Twilight,” she asked, “what else shall we experiment with, hm?”

Twilight licked her lips.

“Um, well… I would like to… Be up against the wall,” Twilight managed. I gave her a smile.

“You still can’t say ‘fuck’, huh?”

“Sh-Shut up! I can!” Twilight insisted. I lowered Rarity down to the floor, making sure she could stand. She was unsteady, but managed to totter over to a spot on the floor to sit. She turned around and beamed.

“Well then,” Rarity said politely,” why don’t you give it a try? Ask for it,” she said.

Twilight gulped, and looked up at me. She licked her lips, and took a breath.

“Shepherd,” she began, “please fuck me up against the wall.”

“Like~?” Rarity prompted. Twilight shivered.

“Like a dirty whore,” she said. My dick was back to full mast, and I picked her up. I pushed her up against the wall and nuzzled her happily. Twilight pushed me back and shook her head.

“Rougher,” she said. “Like… Like with Rarity.”

I turned a glare upon the sitting white unicorn.

“As long as she doesn’t do anything to my butt, again,” I growled. Rarity smiled oh so sweetly.

“I promise~!”

She lied. But she got what she wanted.

Author's Note

We're back with more smut! And more shall be on the way!

Next time... I'll leave that as a surprise.

Unexpected Variable

You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Despite our collective exhaustion after… Several sessions, with Spike soon to return home, Twilight had cleaned us all up and Rarity and I had gotten the furniture and books back into place. We’d just barely made it before the young dragon had entered, carrying groceries. He blinked when he saw Rarity.

“Huh? Rarity? What are you doing here?”

Rarity smiled warmly and genuinely. She trotted up and hugged Spike, which made the little dragon blush.

“I was visiting Twilight and Shepherd and helping them out with a project of theirs,” she said truthfully, “to help me with something in the future.”

She then gave him a very affectionate nuzzle. Spike’s scales burned bright red, as he nodded.

“Uh… Uh huh?” He managed.

“Very much so,” she said, giving him an affectionate kiss to his forehead. He nearly fainted, but the kid dragon was made of sterner stuff. Maybe the fact his big sister/mother/boss figure was getting laid was helping him mature.

“Oh my,” Rarity cried, “Spike! Are you getting taller?”

“Ah? Huh?” Spike asked, looking at himself. “I don’t know-Am I?”

“I hope it’s not like last time,” Twilight teased. Spike shook his head and beamed.

“Nah! It’s… Small! But it’s not like… Out of wanting,” he said. Rarity gasped happily, and hugged him.

“Wonderful! Come on Spike! Let’s go celebrate! I’ll find you some wonderful gems to snack on, and Pinkie can plan you a party!”

Like an elegant whirlwind, the (slightly limping) Rarity spirited the ecstatic Spike out the door, and shut it behind them. I sat back down in my chair, sighing in some relief. Twilight trotted up to me and cuddled up over my lap, and I began to stroke her back.

“Hmmm,” Twilight sighed. She looked up at me. “So… How are you feeling?”

“About?” I asked. Twilight hummed.

“I suppose Rarity. And Spike,” she said, “how do you feel about… Them?”

I raised an eyebrow.

“You’re terrible at being tactful,” I replied. Twilight blushed and scowled. I scratched the top of her head and she groaned happily.

“Still,” she insisted. I gave it some thought.

“If I’m being honest? Kind of relieved,” I admitted. “Sure, I like Rarity a lot. I care for her as a friend, and she’s a great lover.”

Twilight nodded with a slight wince. She knew how I felt. We were both going to be feeling sore in the morning.

“But,” I continued carefully, “I mean… If we went any further romantically, we’d probably just make eachother kind of miserable. Since we want very different things out of life.”

“True,” Twilight admitted softly, “she does want to be a princess of sorts some day.”

“And Spike is a prince, so it all works out,” I said with a grin.

Twilight snorted.

“Technically he doesn’t have a royal title, he’s just Princess Celestia’s ward-”

“It’ll be enough for Rarity,” I pointed out. Twilight chuckled, and nuzzled my hand.

“Fair enough,” she replied. “Mm… Are you going to stay for dinner?”

“I’d like to,” I admitted, “but I really need some actual sleep.” I poked her nose, making her wince in confusion. “And if I’m sleeping with my marefriend, I won’t get any.”

Twilight blushed heavily, and nuzzled my chest.

“I might not mind that,” she whispered. I let out a long sigh.

“We both have work tomorrow, come on,” I pointed out.

“Sex is technically part of my research,” Twilight insisted. I gave her a slightly stern look.

“Like research on friendship every week?” I asked. She winced, and I almost regretted it. But she needed pushback.

“I… You’re right,” she said. She sighed. She looked outside-It was now night, the stars beginning to twinkle in the sky. “I’ll see you tomorrow though, right?”

I gave her a kiss on the lips, and a nuzzle.

“Definitely,” I said. I gently helped her off my lap, and she trotted to the nearest desk where she began writing down notes. I walked to the door, and opened it… And a small, butter yellow pegasus with pink hair was standing in front of it. She was just about to knock. She locked eyes on me, turned bright red, and bowed her head until her gaze was at the ground.

I smiled kindly at her.

“Hey Fluttershy,” I said, kneeling down, “how are you tonight? I haven’t seen you around for a while. Are you okay?”

“Mmfine,” she murmured. “Um… I uh… I just… Um... “

I frowned more deeply.

“Are you sure?” I asked. I reached out a hand, but she flinched away from it. She managed to look over at Twilight.

“Um… Sorry,” she said to me. “Um, Twilight? Can we, if it’s okay, talk? In private? If… If you don’t mind, that is? If you’re not busy…”

She trailed off. I looked over at Twilight, who looked as concerned as I was. She nodded, and smiled at me.

“Of course Fluttershy! I’ll see you tomorrow, Shepherd,” she said. I nodded. I looked over at Fluttershy, feeling a pang of worry. She was the first being I’d met in Equestria who didn’t want to eat me. She’d saved me from the Everfree Forest. She was the first friend I’d ever made here.

Why was she acting like this around me?

She certainly wasn’t any more forthcoming. I internally sighed, gave her an encouraging smile, and stood up. I walked out and headed home.

I hoped whatever it was, I would have more answers tomorrow.

Ughhh… Fuck the sun. Fuck it long and hard. I groaned as the light washed over my eyes through the window, and I held my hand up to shade myself.

Yup, I was sore. It was worth it, but damn. Ow.

Oh, and nobody in my bed to wake up with. I sighed and got up. I walked to my small bathroom, and showered quickly. I got out, brushed my teeth, and did some stretching now that my muscles were warmed up.

I heard… Singing in my kitchen. I froze for a moment, and listened. The voice… It was Fluttershy. And the song she was singing was beautiful and happy. I could smell food being cooked-Bacon and eggs. I smiled.

Nobody but Fluttershy would make me meat for breakfast.

Maybe what had troubled her so much last night was over? I hoped so. I pulled on a shirt and jeans and headed out to greet her.

“Morning, Flutter… Shy?”

From behind… The being in the kitchen had many features Fluttershy possessed. Long, pink hair. Pretty yellow wings. Butterflies on a nice, round bottom.

But the being was standing on two legs. Gorgeous, sumptuous legs that led to strong, curvy hips. None of it covered in butter yellow fur but instead flawless, lightly tanned skin. The being turned around, and my stared intensified.

While she was wearing my small, white apron, it barely covered up her large, perfectly shaped breasts. I couldn’t guess at the cup-DD maybe? Her arms were strong but beautiful. Her features were… Japanese if I had to guess? But her eyes were sky blue, and the smile was unmistakably familiar.

“Um… G-Good morning, Shepherd,” Fluttershy said, her breasts jiggling as she lifted up a plate of bacon and eggs. “So, um… How is my human form?”

I opened my mouth. I closed it. I opened it again. Nope, still no words. Come on brain, stop doing this to me! Say something already!

. . .

“Boobies.”

FUUUUUUUUUCK!

Author's Note

The set up...

Data Collection

You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Well… This was awkward. Or was it?

I didn’t know anymore. My brain was clouded with warmth. I could only stare at the beautiful, barely clothed body in front of me. The barely clothed human body! The barely clothed, beautiful, deliciously curvy human female body, holding bacon and eggs in front of me.

“Shepherd?” Fluttershy asked. “Are you all right?”

“... Boobies,” I managed to say. Damnit! Come on brain, pull it together!

Twilight Sparkle popped up from behind my couch, beaming happily.

“Good Morning Shepherd! Fluttershy really wanted to participate in our experiments! Since she uh… She really likes you.” Twilight looked over at her with a raised eyebrow, and then back at me. “She was happy to try being a human!”

Fluttershy blushed deeply, and wiggled her hips a bit. Her eyes locked onto mine.

“Y-Yes, I do,” Fluttershy murmured. “I’ve always… Always wanted to try being human. Since I met you.”

“Uh huh,” I managed. She shifted, and her breasts shook slightly underneath the apron. I licked my lips.

“Indeed, I suspect that the pheromones that Shepherd gives off might become even stronger with a human female to react to,” Twilight said. She had a pair of glasses and her mane up in a bun, which made her look unbelievably hot. I took a deep breath through my nose, and the spicy, musky and sweet scent of females filled my senses. I looked at the floor between Fluttershy’s feet, and saw small drops of liquid drip onto it.

I growled, and Fluttershy let out a soft moan. More drops of sex fluid splattered onto the hardwood floor beneath her.

“This will also be a good chance to study human mating, and how it relates to human/pony mating,” Twilight went on eagerly, chewing on a pen she was holding with her magic. “Ooh, imagine all the possibilities! Can’t you Shepherd?”

“Uh huh,” I managed, drooling slightly. Fluttershy was panting hard, her blush going down her neck to her chest.

“Possible… Things,” Fluttershy murmured.

“You’re not even listening to me, are you? Either of you?” Twilight sighed. She licked her lips. “Oh well. I wouldn’t be listening to me, either.” She rubbed her thighs together eagerly, and sucked in a deep breath. “Go ahead…”

“Ah… Fluttershy…?” I managed to ask, trying to focus my willpower on Fluttershy as my dear friend and companion. Not just as a female I wanted to rut into next week.

Fluttershy walked up to me, quickly. She dropped the plate of bacon and eggs, which I couldn’t care less about. She seized me around my shoulders and pulled me into a deep kiss. Her tongue slid in deep, and my own responded eagerly. I wrapped my arms around her waist and crushed her to my chest. My hands were all over her, yanking my apron right off her. I pulled back just long enough to see how beautiful she was.

Fluttershy yanked me back with bestial strength, her lips covering mine. Her nails dug into my shoulders as she pushed me back against the couch. Twilight barely got out of the way, furiously taking notes as I got slammed down onto the couch cushions.

“MMPH!” I gasped. Fluttershy broke the kiss and tore my shirt and pants off-They were shredded, along with my boxers. I panted hard, as Fluttershy growled. She kissed me again, ravenous as a wild beast. I kissed her back just as furiously, humping up against her.

She pinned me down and growled, biting down on my shoulder. I growled back, and dug my fingers into her plush backside. I thrust up, and hit paydirt! Just enough to dig into her tight, incredibly wet pussy. She reached down and rubbed the tip of my cock against her sex, bathing it in her sweet musk.

“You’re… Going… To love me,” she moaned, as she pushed herself down. My eyes rolled back into my head as my dick was engulfed by human pussy for the first time in a long time. My hands went up to her large breasts and squeezed, the firm, warm and soft mounds giving in just the right ways. Fluttershy leaned down and kissed me again, and I thrust up into her pussy.

I pushed my feet into the armrest of the couch, and rammed up hard. Fluttershy groaned, and shook her hips like she’d ridden a hundred men-Her inner muscles gripping me deliciously.

I reached up to seize the bases of her wings, and rubbed hard underneath them. She groaned happily, and began bouncing like a woman possessed on my dick.

I slammed up just as hard, yanking her down into me as our mating became utterly frenzied fucking. Her hands went all over me, nails grasping my shoulders as she rammed her hips down onto me.

We kissed like we were trying to eat each other’s mouths, our teeth bashing together. My hands went back to her tits and squeezed harder, her sensitive undersides at my mercy as I rubbed them furiously. She broke the kiss only long enough to pull down more air, and I sat up as I turned her around and bent her over the armrest.

She looked back over her shoulders, panting desperately as she lifted her hips up. I rammed back into her, and we resumed our furious mating. My hips slapped against her firm buttocks, as my hands went up to grasp her big tits like handles. She screamed in bliss, and shoved herself back against me.

“AHH! AHHH! AHHHNGH!” She shrieked, pussy convulsing like it was choking on my cock. I leaned over and bit down on her shoulder, ramming into her cunt with all my strength. The couch scraped against the hardwood floor. It went back and forth, the force of our fucking making it as loud as Fluttershy’s screaming.

I held her as tightly as I could, giving it all I had left! I was almost there! Almost…! I had just enough presence of mind to reach down and rub her clitoris as hard as I could.

“SH-SHEP… HERRRRRRRDDDD!” She gushed all over my cock, soaking the cushions underneath us as her pussy seemed to shrink around me.

“AH-AHHHHNNNGHH!”

I came hard, my dick firing salvo after salvo of heat deep inside her womb. Fluttershy rammed herself back to take my dick to the hilt, and bellowed loudly as her insides milked me for all I was worth. I felt so light headed I slumped atop her, holding her tightly. I took deep breaths, as Fluttershy trembled underneath me.

Twilight cried out happily, cumming hard as she masturbated with her magic. She panted deeply, still writing down incredibly detailed notes on her notepads. She slowly set them down and trotted up, her tongue hanging out as she tried to collect herself.

“Haa… Haa… W-Wow,” Twilight murmured. “That was… Intense.”

“Ohhh myyy~,” Fluttershy sighed happily. She rubbed her belly. “Mmm… It’s so warm…” She looked up at me. “Was… Was I good?”

I smiled, and nuzzled her happily.

“You were amazing,” I admitted. “Not that I’m complaining, but… Why did you want to be human?”

“I’m a little curious about that myself,” Twilight sighed. “Not that I’m complaining, but…”

“No, no,” Fluttershy muttered. “I um… I don’t feel very confident in myself as a pony. I also wanted to make Shepherd happy by being a human. I also wanted to be… Um… Well…”

“You wanted to what?” I asked. Fluttershy’s blush deepened.

“... Give you foals?” She admitted. My jaw dropped. She looked down at the floor. “I-I’m sorry… That was too much. I’m sorry, I’m so-”

“No! No,” I murmured, stroking her head. “It’s okay. It’s just… That’s a step too far for me right now.”

Twilight shook her head. “Oh Fluttershy,” she murmured.

“If you want to have his foals first, I completely understand,” Fluttershy said quickly. “I’m so sorry!”

“Let’s just take it slow, okay?” I suggested. “All of this is just so new to me. You too.”

Geez. Okay, so Fluttershy was willing to change species and have my children? Twilight wasn’t looking happy about that. I had to defuse this. I took a deep breath, and rubbed the back of Fluttershy’s neck.

“Okay. Fluttershy tried sex as a human,” I said, “so why don’t you try, Twilight? And Fluttershy can watch and take notes.”

“I… I can do that,” Fluttershy assented. She slowly pulled away, and I scooted back. She managed to get to a nearby chair. She sat down in it, and Twilight hoofed all of her notebooks to her. Fluttershy took the pen, and clumsily began to scribble on the paper. I looked up at Twilight, as she trotted up to me. Her horn glowed, and soon so did her body.

She grew and stretched and contorted, before the light faded away. She shook her mane out, long purple and pinkish hair. Her skin was dark, her breasts were round and shapely, her hips were child bearing, and her eyes were gorgeous. She smiled down at me, and the enticing scent of human pheromones filled the air.

“So… What do you think?” Twilight asked shyly.

I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her into a deep kiss. She curled up on my lap eagerly, kissing back happily. I broke the kiss long enough to nuzzle her.

“How’s that for an answer?” I asked. Twilight giggled.

“I’ll take it!” She said. Twilight looked back at Fluttershy. “In fact, I’d like to expand the experiment! Come on Fluttershy! I want to try something called double paizuri! It’s-”

“I know what it is, actually,” Fluttershy said. “I uh… Read it in a manga. Which was not a hentai doujinshi.”

“Of course, of course,” Twilight said with a nod.

Suddenly, I was just fine with Fluttershy being crazy. Finding a hot girl who was into anime was like the holy grail.

“Anything for science,” I said cheerfully.

Several hours later…

I was back in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The smile on my face wasn’t going away. Neither were the two beautiful naked women curled up against me. My body was sore and I couldn’t move.

I needed a drink of water. I needed several drinks of water. I tried to move for the twentieth time, and my body once again refused to obey. I finally gave up and laid back, resuming my stare at the ceiling.

These ponies would be the death of me. But what a way to go...

Author's Note

This is a different universe from "Be a Human Day", and is just another excuse for smut. I hope you enjoyed it though.

And if you want to imagine Fluttershy as a human, just picture Anri Okita with a six pack. There you go.