Now I have seen everything
“...And so, my true love, will you marry me? You will? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!”
“What?! Princess Twilight Sparkle, are you serious?!”
“Of course I am, Discord! Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Why wouldn’t you? Think about what you just asked, and think about what you asked the question to.”
“Uh...I asked the one that I love with all my heart to marry me?”
“Yes, yes, but Twilight? Let this sink in that head of yours. You asked a BOOK TO MARRY YOU! Even for me, this is too crazy!”
Now, I bet you are wondering if Princess Twilight Sparkle has genuinely gone insane and Equestria needs a new Princess of Friendship ASAP, right? Well, it’s my job as the sorely underpaid narrator to fill you in. Hopefully the lavender Alicorn won’t hurt herself as I do.
In the library of her castle, Twilight had proposed to her favorite book. “He” was a green twenty-chapter book all about the finer points of writing checklists, perfection, and stressing out. Perfect for Twilight Sparkle.
However, Discord, the Lord of Chaos who would be a mess to describe, was present and saw the whole thing. His eyes couldn’t believe what they just saw, and he wiped them three times. It failed to do anything.
Why is Discord even in Twilight’s castle? Wishing to show that there were no hard feelings about a “friendship lesson” Discord “taught” her two weeks ago that made her feel left out, Twilight invited him over for a tea party. Two purple teacups, as well as a pink pitcher full of tea, sat on a table in front of a purple couch. Discord sat on the couch.
Celestia help Twilight if it makes Fluttershy jealous.
But before they took the first sip of tea, Twilight abruptly felt the need to get on her knees and propose to her “true love”, which lay in a chair in front of her. She claimed that a burst of love made her unable to hold back her feelings.
Still on her knees, Twilight, with a confused frown, asked, “And what’s wrong with what I asked?”
“I know you love books, but this is taking a ‘love’ of them to a ridiculous level!”
Twilight scoffed, “Says the Draconequus that made it rain chocolate milk for fun.”
Discord pointed at Twilight and countered, “Okay, one: I haven’t done that in seasons. Two, it’s still less crazy than marrying a book!”
Twilight stood to her hooves and faced Discord. “It’s not ‘crazy’! Okay, look, I know it’s crazy, but Booky and I love each other!”
Discord’s crimson pupils changed into question marks, then reverted back to pupils. “You said it wasn’t crazy, and then you say it is! And, ‘Booky’?”
“Oh, that’s my fiance’s name. In fact, I never introduced you two, so I’ll do it now.” Twilight pointed a hoof at her fiance. “Discord, this is Booky.” Twilight faced Booky and pointed at Discord. “And, Booky, this is my friend, Discord.”
"Charmed," Discord said sarcastically.
Three ponies trotted through one of the library’s light-green double doors. They were: Applejack, an orange Earth Pony, Rarity, a white Unicorn, and Rainbow Dash, a cyan Pegasus. A fourth pony, a pink Earth Pony, Pinkie Pie, was accompanying them, but was hopping with each hop creating a spring-like sound.
Rarity asked, “Hi, Twilight! Did--”
Discord teleported off the couch and to the friends walking in. “Guys, am I glad to see you! You won’t believe what Twilight asked her ‘favorite’ book. Maybe you could give her a little heart-to-heart?” Discord snapped his fingers to materialize five sheets of paper, each with a drawing of two hearts beside each other, but the paper vanished from existence after a mere second.
Pinkie answered, “You mean “Booky” and did he say ‘yes’?”
With a smile, Twilight answered. “Yes! He said ‘yes’!”
Discord’s mouth dropped to the floor, but Twilight’s other friends cheered, ran/hopped past the speechless Discord, and surrounded Twilight and the chair still holding Booky.
“Oh, I’m so happy for you, Twilight! I knew he’d say ‘yes’!” Pinkie said as she hopped in place.
Discord scooped his mouth from the floor, and just couldn’t hide his shock. He expected at least Applejack to lecture Twilight and talk her out of her absurd idea. “Wait, you guys aren’t going to stop her? She wants to marry a book!”
Pinkie stopped hopping, and all eyes went to Discord.
Applejack rubbed her head with a puzzled frown. “Uh, why would we?”
Rarity explained, “Yes, Twilight’s ‘booksexual’ so of course she would fall in love with a book eventually. She just needed to find ‘the one’.”
Discord stuttered, “Well, y-yeah, b-but--”
Already bored of Discord’s stuttering, Applejack asked, “When’s the wedding, Twi? Six months?”
“One year?” Rainbow asked.
“One week?” Pinkie asked as well.
Twilight cheerfully answered, “It’ll be in five minutes.”
“Five minutes?!” Discord’s face exploded in a cartoony way; his mind was literally blown, but after a mere second, his head popped back into existence. Twilight wanted her “wedding” with a book and in five minutes?! With how Twilight plans things, you’d think she would require a minimum of five years to plan enough to make her wedding perfect.
Yet, Twilight’s other friends weren’t surprised. Twilight can be patient about things she wants, but for things she REALLY wants, patience is not her “go-to” choice.
“Eh, works for us,” Pinkie said while spreading her forelegs in a “whatever” motion.
Discord teleported back to the couch, on his back, and materialized an ice pack, which he set on his head. The craziness of the situation was overloading his chaotic nature. He even needed to remember the mental exercises he utilized to stay semi-sane during the one-thousand years he was a motionless statue.
“I’m surrounded by idiots,” Discord muttered, even though he was not actually surrounded. “At least things can’t get any weirder, unless a little birdie inexplicably tells a super-powerful dictator to come join the ‘wedding’.” A black little bird popped into existence for a second beside Discord’s head, then vanished.
As if fate wanted to punish Discord for tempting it, a violet Unicorn peeked her head into the library inexplicably. She was Starlight Glimmer, a super-powerful dictator.
In an unusually friendly, almost meek voice, Starlight said, “Hey, a little birdie speaking ponish told me that Princess Twilight is about to get married.”
All in the room turned in Starlight’s direction. Their eyes widened, and the friends tackled Starlight to the floor and Twilight cast a “knock out” spell to render her unconscious. The friends weren’t going to risk Starlight stealing their Cutie Marks as revenge for ruining her scheme for “Equality” not long ago.
That is, because of the Alicorn-level magic Starlight has, you think they would consider jumping and KO’ing her in a preemptive strike. Wrong-o.
Instead, they stared at Starlight with baffled frowns. Rainbow Dash spread out her wings and questioned, “Starlight Glimmer? What are you doing here?”
“And if you’re here to take our Cutie Marks and what makes us special, can you try it some other time?” Twilight asked in a surprisingly normal voice. “I’m about to have a wedding, so our magical duel for the ages can happen once I’m Princess Twilight Booky.”
Starlight walked into the room with a non-threatening frown. “I know, and I agree that our epic fight can wait, so I’m here to help out. You and I aren’t pure evil, so I wouldn’t break the filly code and ruin your wedding day, Princess Twilight.”
The friends stared at Starlight for another three seconds.
“Well, that’s fine by me,” Twilight finally said while shrugging her shoulders. Everything was going better and better for her. “If you want, you can help prepare the library for my wedding.”
“On it.” Starlight’s horn glowed with a turquoise light. A stand holding a seven-tier wedding cake, covered in white icing, materialized by one of the library’s bookshelves. Boxes covered with wrapping paper of green, blue, yellow, and white, each with a bow on top, also popped into existence on the floor near the cake’s stand.
Pinkie Pie smiled at Starlight, but was debating kicking her flank to the moon for performing her job, but decided to send Fluttershy after her later. Pinkie knew that Fluttershy would later be furious about something and thus would need something to hit. Hard. Repeatedly.
Twilight turned her head to the cake and the gifts and grinned. She couldn’t wait to open those boxes, with no concern that a trap might be in them. “Hmm, not bad, Starlight. If Equestria survives our battle, maybe I’ll name you my student. I could use a rival in magic and I told you before: you can just call me ‘Twilight’.”
“Thank you, Twilight, and after I kick your flank and have my revenge, I’ll think about your offer,” Starlight answered.
“And when you two fight, I have three hundred bits on Twilight!” Pinkie said.
“And I’ll bring the popcorn for the rest of us to eat when you go at it!” Rainbow added.
“So, what’s next?” Applejack asked.
Throwing his ice pack to the floor, Discord groaned and said, “‘What’s next’ is that this is getting silly! Seriously, Twilight wants to marry a book! You ponies know that I live for stuff to not make sense, but this is too much! We should take Twilight” -- Discord snapped his fingers and materialized a bag with a first-aid sign on it -- “to a hospital before she hurts herself!” With another snap of his fingers, the bag with the first-aid sign vanished.
Rainbow Dash gasped and smiled mischievously. In a voice filled with understanding, she said, “Oh, I know what’s wrong.”
“What?” Discord asked.
With a smirk, Pinkie replied, “You missed your chance, so now you’re jealous.”
Discord’s eyes grew to three times their normal size. Now his friends thought he was jealous! “W-What?! Me?! Jealous?!”
Rarity said, “Oh, come now, Discord, we all know you’re madly in love with Twilight. Why else would you single her out to teach friendship lessons to?”
Pinkie added, “It’s always ‘Twilight, Twilight, Twilight’ with you when it comes to your lessons.”
Discord pointed a finger at Twilight. “Okay, I am not in love with her! I’m just helping Twilight grow into a wise, strong, benevolent princess that could rule Equestria someday. You believe me, right?”
*Sounds of crickets chirping*
Discord complained, “It’s not even nighttime. How is that--”
Applejack interrupted, “Now, Discord, remember what ya taught Twilight: There’s nothin’ wrong with feelin' jealous.”
Starlight walked to the couch holding Discord with a shockingly sympathetic frown. “Discord? I know you don’t want to give up your pride and confess, but it’s not healthy to never let things go. You must do it so you can admit your true feelings.”
The part about “never letting things go” might be the single most ironic thing that the Unicorn known as “Starlight Glimmer” will ever say in her life. She’s not wrong about it, though.
“I can let things go, and I’m not jealous!” Discord protested while levitating off the couch, crossed his arms, but remained in mid-air.
Twilight sighed, then smiled. “Okay, Discord. I’ll tell you what: I’ll marry you too. Booky won’t mind.”
Discord’s eyes grew four times in size. His mouth dropped not to the floor, but through it.
Twilight’s horn glowed magenta. The hole in the floor of her library vanished, making the floor good as new, and Discord's mouth was back in its normal position. “In fact, I’ll be honest with you, Discord: I'm not 100% booksexual and I’ve been playing ‘hard to get’ since you reformed, but you missed my signs. I’m done waiting, so just shut up and take my kiss so you, Booky, and I can get married.”
With a flirtatious smile, Twilight walked toward Discord, who retreated from her at the same speed as her steps. He wore a frown oozing a mix of fear and confusion. If he had known Princess Twilight Sparkle would act like this, he would have stayed in his chaotic realm. Or at least, not near her.
“A-Are you in heat or something, Twilight Sparkle?! Keep your lips away from me!”
Still backing away, Discord bumped into one of the bookshelves lining the walls of the library, forcing three to fall on his head, and several others to fall to the floor. Twilight continued to advance and her smile deepened.
“Uh, no. I’m out of here, you crazy ponies! Discord, out!” Discord snapped his fingers and teleported out of the castle. He had seen everything now.
However, three seconds after Discord fled, the library was filled with thunderous laughter.
“Oh, did you guys see his face?!” Pinkie asked.
Rainbow wiped the tears from her eyes. ‘’‘Keep your lips away from me!’ he said! Oh, that was too rich!”
Holding her chest, Applejack said, “Discord might never come near Twilight again after how bad she freaked him out! He looked like he ate a barrel full of rotten apples!”
“And it serves him right for trying to make her feel left out the other day!” Rarity said in a more serious voice.
When the laughing calmed down, Applejack, in a remorseful voice, said, “And again, we’re really sorry we made ya feel like that, Twi.”
“It’s all right. I know you guys would never make me feel bad on purpose. But knowing Discord, he’ll figure out the truth on his own and come back to pick on me again in a week.”
“Yeah. Discord might be a pest, but he’s our pest and things are...interesting when he's around,” Rainbow admitted.
Sensing something was amiss, Pinkie turned her head back and forth to look around. “Guys, where did Starlight go?”
The others repeated what Pinkie did, but none saw any sign of Starlight, though her gifts and cake remained.
“In fact... who invited her to help with our prank?” Rarity asked.
Everypony looked to each other, all saying that it wasn’t their idea for Starlight to come.
“Weird. If nopony asked her to come, then why was she here?” Rainbow asked.
“Maybe she came searching for information on our weaknesses to use against us?” Twilight formed a fearful frown and gulped. “But, guys, there’s something more important to worry about: what will I do about Fluttershy? She’s the kindest pony ever, but you know what she’s like when she gets really mad!”
Rarity gasped and set a hoof on her cheek. “Oh, that’s right. Discord’s probably running to her right now. If he tells Fluttershy that you ‘proposed’ to him, jealousy will make her lose it and come tear you apart, Twilight!”
But Pinkie had already formed a plan to prevent Twilight from potentially losing her Alicorn wings painfully. In a nonchalant voice, she explained, “Oh, we can tell Fluttershy that our prank was Starlight’s idea and not Twilight’s.”
Rainbow smiled, “Oh, that’s perfect! Hopefully, Fluttershy won’t hurt her too much. Or at least she’d tire herself out looking for Starlight, forget the whole thing, and later befriend her without a second thought if Starlight ever reforms.”
The others also agreed with Pinkie Pie’s idea, and the friends resumed laughing.
Author's Note
Wow! The troll just got trolled!
Good work gang.
