I Nut- Wait, What?

by Fazponyjack

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1375

Milk pony, but twice as NSFW. (It's not clop I swear)

I nut, on the butt, in the hut, with the cut, keep the putt, lead them up, keep 'em down, do it good, or do it noun, keep it brown, like a stick, stick 'em up, like a dick, grab a pic, have the grit, do the bit, suck the clit, knead the mitt, holy shit, catch the heat, such a treat, suck my meat, keep it neat, not so cheap, make 'em weep, keep the keep, bro that cheat, it's so niche, throw the leash, grab the dish, eat the kish, what is that? It's a Mitch. Hell yeah.
He's the manager now. Huh. Well, Suck on that, RyanP!

Published 2019-12-12 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-12-12 18:00:01 UTC

Matt, the Manager of the Motherfucking Misfits with Merry Misfits Merch

Author's Note

Be warned: Plot necessary implied racism ahead

Matt, the Manager of the Motherfucking Misfits with Merry Misfits Merch

“The Misfits. You heard of ‘em?”

“Those fine gentle ponies that began arriving? Sure.”

“I need you to take me to them.”

“What for?”

“I'm their manager.”

“Gotcha.”

/|\

SwaggerSouls was sitting in Twilight's library, eating breakfast in the kitchen while Spike attempted to cook bacon, which equated to a pile of charcoal and some scrambled eggs before he gave up and went back to sleep.

“Whatever. I'm going to sleep." Spike tiredly said, yawning as he opened the door. Before he left, however, five ponies burst in, intent on chowing down on the rest of the massive spread prepare for them. Spike fell to the ground in surprise, before remembering why he had such an inclination to cook so much.

“Just wash the dishes when your done!" Spike yelled over to the chattering ponies.

He stared at them roughly bump into each other as they tried to get at the food as a familiar feeling welled up in his stomach. Soon after, he burped, green fire forming into a message that was quickly plucked out of midair as a lavender princess trotted by.

“Another letter? I swear to Celestia, if it's another one of those Misfits…”

Twilight trotted up to the crowded table before clearing her throat.

“ATTENTION!” She was interrupted as the pony she had elected to stand behind yelped in surprise as he fell to the ground, clutching his ears.

“Jeez, ya could've told me, cunt!” Zuckles exclaimed, glaring at the sheepishly smiling princess.

“Oops! Sorry!” She apologized, helping the red grumbling pony back up into his seat, which he rejected.

“Anyway, I have an announcement!” Twilight said, handing the quickly read letter back to Spike, who ran off immediately.

“Princess Celestia has found another one of you!" She said with a smile. She stood and waited for cheering or clapping, but nothing came. The six Misfits stayed silent.

“You're not happy? She said she found a pony named Matt!” She said, her smile faltering at the disinterest shown by the humans turned ponies.

“Sunbutt found INut?” Zuckles exclaimed, smiles finally adorning the strangely disheveled ponies.

“Don’t call her that.” Twilight scolded with a scowl.

“Fuck off, cunt.” Zuckles said, returning to his quickly depleting food.

“Oh boy, this'll be an experience.” Smitty said, grabbing a hoof-full of eggs and shoving it into his mouth, chewing loudly.

“What do you mean?" Twilight asked. She was quickly shushed by a raised white hoof as Smii7y chewed for a moment before swallowing.

“Matt isn't my manager, and I've barely played with him and the boys, so it'll be nice makin’ friends while stuck in an alternate universe as multi-colored quadrupeds generated in a child's fever dream.” Smii7y explained, taking a swig of his milk as he pet the purring milk bag plushie in his lap.

Twilight took a seat at the only available chair between Fitz and Swagger. She nervously picked at her pancakes with a levitating fork as the others gulped down their food, Zuckles’ face literally in his food.

Fitz put swallowed his food and looked over at Twilight with a concerned expression. “What's wrong, princess?" He asked.

“Nothing. I just…" She sighed and placed her fork down beside the plate. “I just feel strange throwing a sleepover for ponies I barely know.” She said, looking back at Fitz.

“Oh, don't worry about that." Fitz assured her, wrapping a wing around her in a comforting gesture. “We're all friends here!" He exclaimed with a soft smile.

“I didn't know you had actual feelings, Cam.” Matt said, walking in the room with a smirk.

“The fuck? Where’d you come from?" Zuckles asked, his mouth full of food as he held a fork with even more food.

“My mother's womb." Matt calmly replied, trotting up behind Fitz and Twilight.

“Now what do we have here?” Matt said jokingly, putting a wing around both Fitz and Twilight, slightly pulling them closer.

“Nothing!" Fitz lied, winking.

“Why'd ya wink?" Zuckles asked.

“Fuck, it was my right eye?" Fitz muttered, his smile dropping before being quickly replaced with a nervous grin. He began sweating as he looked up at Twilight’s blazing cheeks.

“U-Umm… N-Nothing?” Fitz weakly repeated.

“That's what I thought." Matt said, patting Fitz with his wing before retracting both.

“Seems like there's nowhere for me to sit, so I'll just go-”

“Here!" Zuckles suddenly exclaimed, hopping out of his seat. “I wanna go see the fucking dragon!” He said, darting out of the room.

“Okay then." Matt took Zuckles’ seat, staring at his mess in disgust.

“Ya know what, I'll see if I can go find that dragon Mason was talking about."

“Mason?" Twilight asked.

“We all have real names, hun.” Toby said, silently lifting a fork of pancakes to his muzzle.

“Really? Can I know them?"

“Cameron." Fitz replied.

“Eric Vivian Matthews.” Swagger pridefully answered.

“Toby."

“Jay.” McCreamy said, gratefully grabbing a plate of waffles topped with whipped cream.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you all!” Twilight said with a large smile. They all voiced their agreement.

*CRASH*

“Spike?” Twilight called. “Are you okay?”

The only reply Twilight got was a terrified Mason sprinting past the door, screaming ‘Fire!’.

“Spike!” Twilight exclaimed, leaping out of her chair and out the door.

Jay snickered. “Dragon get punished by pony.” He mocked, making his voice sound like Ainsley. They all laughed, returning to their breakfast.

“Shouldn’t we help?” Cameron asked, lowering his fork.

“We’ll help if they need help.” Matt calmly said, chowing down.

Just then, a ball of flame flew past the door, destroying whatever was there.

“Really?” Cameron asked, still unsure.

“Positive.” Matt stuffed some scrambled eggs in his mouth as Mason and Jay burst into laughter about something.

“ERIC, GET YOUR KNIGHT ASS IN HERE!” Twilight yelled from the library, sounding pissed.

“Oooh, someone’s in trouble~” Mason said. All the others there repeated the oooh as Eric got up and trotted over to Twilight.

“What’s the big time ru-” Eric stopped as he opened the door, seeing that the library was on fire.

“The fuck happened here?” He asked. Twilight stumbled over, covered in ash while she coughed.

“You left- *cough cough* -your lighter on, and Zuckles knocked it over.” She explained, smothering some flames with the fire extinguisher she held in her magic.

“His fault then.” Eric stubbornly concluded, turning to walk out.

Twilight grabbed him and turned him right back around, forcing Eric to stare at Twilight's steaming face.

“Fix it!” She hissed. Eric gulped and said “Yes, ma’am!” before grabbing the fire extinguisher from her in his magic and began dousing the flames in Carbon Dioxide.

One Day Later
Zecora’s Hut

The group of seven ponies each sat in a circle next to Swagger’s desk, playing Uno.

“Uno!” Cameron said, waving his last card in triumph as he smiled pridefully.

“Not for long.” Eric said, holding his eleven cards.

“six skips,” He started, placing down the cards, leaving a blue on top.

“Plus two,” He put down a plus two card. “Plus two, plus two, plus two, Uno, plus two, Uno OUT!” Eric shouted, slamming down the last plus two and raising his hands to show that he didn’t have any cards left.

“Goddamn it!” Zuckles yelled in anger, throwing down his two Jokers and a king of hearts.

“What the fuck, Zuckles?” Cameron said, calmly placing down his last card, which was a plus four.

“BITCH PUSSY!” Smii7y screamed, slamming his hoof down. The others began laughing at his outburst.

“So Cameron.” Matt said, being the only pony not laughing, choosing to smile instead.

“Yeah?” Cameron replied, the groups laughter dying down.

“You planning’ on going out with that hot mare anytime soon?” He asked.

Before responding, Cameron looked around making sure Twilight wasn’t anywhere near.

“Soon.” He simply answered.

“Gossip~!” A certain Draconequus sang, hovering above the pile of played Uno cards before snapping away.

“Damn it.” Cameron said, scowling.

Eric chuckled, attempting to take a sip of his drink he had gotten before he left Twilight’s castle.

He merely stared at the empty cup hovering in his magic in front of him.

“Fucking ni-”