120 Nights of Pony

It was the best kind of isekai, it was the worst kind of isekai. Well, either/or. All the worst ones open with the black void and the angel coming down, but all the best ones do too.

I could see the blue of her dress--no, wait. It's not her dress, it's her. Her whole body is blue, and she hasn't got hands, and is that a horn--oh, come on.

"Greetings, mortal," she says. "I am the Great and POWERFUL--"

"BROOOONIIIIIIEEES"

"...excuse you?"

I pound my fists on the non-existent ground. "Dammit, dammit, fuck shit god fucking DAMMIT! I WANTED KONOSUBA! I WANTED PLATONIC EXPLOSIONS!"

"...Trixie does not understand."

"Of course you don't, you've probably never seen Megumin before."

"Who?"

"Exactly!"

She sighs, brushing non-existent dust off of her idealized cape, and regards me in the same way that you'd regard a walking talking head of cabbage. "You..." She lifts her hoof and studies something scribbled on the side. "A Ton A Moose?"

"Anon Y. Mous. The Y stands for 'Yours Truly'."

"Very well," she mutters, as she clears her throat. "You, Anon Yours-Truly Mous, have died. However, we have a proposition for you."

"Wait, does this mean heaven's filled with horses?"

"...no. Heaven's just one universe of many. And we happen to run the show."

"Oh! Do continue."

She groans in exasperation, like I've even done anything yet. "You have been offered a choice, Anon! Go back to your original life--or live out an eternity, one day at a time, in an Equestria which never changes!"

Oh, this is a new one! Groundhog Day, huh? Wait a second. "Wait, this doesn't sound like the kind of shit Heaven does. Don't you know what I'd DO with a timeloop?"

"We feel like finding out. Also, since it's a timeloop, none of the foul deeds will exist past the day you perform them. For all intents and purposes, none of what you do will matter, so as far as we are concerned, none of it is truly an act of evil."

"Wait, really?"

"YES, REALLY! Gods and Goddesses, Trixie has done this song and dance more times than her equine cannonball act! And let Trixie tell you, being shot head-first out of a cannon is LESS of a headache than dealing with you! Why, you probably want some special condition, or a--"

"Free trial."

"Excuse me?"

"I want a free trial!" I shout, enthusiastically pumping my fists. "I can't make a decision like this in five minutes, girl! I know everything about my life but nothing about yours! You don't even know what Groundhog Day in Equestria is like--"

"Actually, Trixie does."

"Really?"

"Spent most of it with Twilight."

"You mean, Twi put both of you in a timeloop--"

"Oh, Trixie was the only one being timelooped."

Hot. "Anyway, I want to try before I buy, if you get the meaning."

"Trixie cannot provide this. Part of the point of the exercise is to see--" She pauses, and tilts her head. "But it defeats the purpose of the--" She cocks her head in the other direction. "Well, Trixie supposes that's accurate--" She closes her eyes and rubs her forehead. "FINE! Fine. Anon Yours-Truly Mous, you have one hundred and twenty days."

Oh. Oh this is even better than I thought. Not only do I get to try the horsebutt before I commit to it, I get to call it...

"ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY NIGHTS OF PONY!"

"...Trixie is aware of the reference. Trixie isn't sure if she should be surprised, amused, or disgusted."

"So! Anon, you must choose your form."

We float over Canterlot's nighttime skyline, watching the lights wink on and off.

"...I only get to choose one?"

"Yes."

"Do you have internet in this place?"

"...No. Just--no!"

"Oh, come on--"

"I cannot allow you to become a--a--"

"Robot triplicorn."

"Robot tripli--is that why it has three horns?" Trixie mutters.

"Yeah, three times the magic power."

"And the flamethrower?"

"I am exercising my second amendment right to flamethrowers."

"...Anon, the second amendment only exists in America."

"How could you."

"Listen. I have a counter-offer," she says, acting like it matters.

"Does it have three horns, wings, and a flamethrower?" I reply.

"It has...one of those things."

"Is it the horns?"

"It's the wings."

"Fuck." That was the least valuable part of the deal!

"But! He has a twin sister."

"...is she cute?"

Trixie's horn lights up, and she shows me a mare whose name might as well be Effortlessly Pretty. Her mane has exactly that kind of wind-blown look to it, and her wings ruffle softly as she turns those big beautiful blue eyes toward the camera.

"All right. All right. You drive a hard bargain."

Trixie nods, closing the preview vid. "You are going to inhabit the body of Dawn Breeze. He'll be given his own time-loop as a thank-you for letting you run around with his name."

I feel a gentle pressure, pushing me down, down into Canterlot; I see a window, still lit up, as that cute mare tugs on the curtains.

"Don't worry about remembering everypony's name, you'll have his latent memories to draw on for that. Time resets at midnight. You can get to any major city in Equestria within an hour, if you get to the skyport early enough."

"Wait! What happens if I tell somepony it's a timeloop!?"

"DON'T TELL THEM IT'S A TIMELOOP!"

And with that, I fade into unconsciousness...