July - 2012 (T.W.G.)

by The Writer's Group

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 8151

I'm not saying this is [i]hilarious[/i] or [i]highly irregular[/i], but...

I'm not saying this is hilarious or highly irregular, but... enjoy the responses to the prompts of July - 2012.

Premise: In five-hundred and fifty words or less, please respond (in the most amusing way possible) to one of the prompts.

Published 2012-08-19 09:14:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-19 09:14:03 UTC

Daddy - Lime Attack

Author: LimeAttack
Prompt: You work as a telephone conversation screener for the CIA (Celestia’s Intelligence Agency). Your job is to listen in on ponies’ talking. You overhear the conversation of a mare calling from a bar payphone.
Title: Daddy

I and my seat sigh as I take my position in an extraordinarily large room full of rows upon rows of unicorns, all dressed in sleek suits not unlike my own. With a flare of orange magic, I slide the headset over my ears and tune it to my assigned phone of the day: 104 Canterlot Avenue, the site of a payphone servicing the patrons of the local pub. With a magical click, the signal locked in place and I began what could be construed as the most grueling shift: night.

After perhaps a few hours of the occasional short phone to a friend asking for some bits or to be helped home, a mare dialed the phone—the first of the night, in fact.

Her voice came through a little gritty, but otherwise just as cutesy and melodious as it probably sounded in real life. “Dad? It’s me, Marigold.”

The other line, a rather gruff stallion, only had the chance to mutter “What?” The mare overtook him again soon.

“Listen, I went out to the bar tonight, and I got a little, hehe, a little crazy. I thought I’d go ahead and tell you this before you found out yourself anyway, ‘coz you sometimes get really mad at me when I mess up.”

The stallion seemed confused rather than contemplative. “Listen, I—”

“But I just want you to know that no matter what you hear in the news, I didn’t do any of that crazy stuff,” she pleaded. “I didn’t do anything bad, really! I just bought some stuff for some guys and, well, they may have gone and done something a teensy bit illegal.”

I could hear the frown on the stallion’s face. “I’m going to have to stop you right there. You see, I think you’ve—”

“Just listen to me, Dad!” The desperation rang out in her voice. “The guard’s coming; they’ll probably take me away soon. I just want you to know that—”

“Hey! Marigold, or whoever you are, you’ve got the wrong number.” I thought that she had hung up.

After a growl that I’m sure came from Tartarus itself, the mare simply bugged out. “Celestia’s tit! Now I’m going to have to make up a whole new story! I had it just right so that my Dad wouldn’t care nearly as much that I slept with someone! Thanks a lot, random stranger. You’re a buckin’ pansy, just sitting there and letting me spill my guts without telling me something.” Her end of the line clicked shut.

“This is why I’m still single.” The stallion clicked his as well.

Incognito - Dafaddah

Author: Dafaddah
Prompt: Derpy is not what she seems.
Title: Incognito

Derpy Hooves got home just in time to help prepare dinner. Her husband was already in the kitchen. He had gathered all the ingredients for one of his signature salads. This time he also had walnuts, maple syrup, lime juice, olive oil and grated cinnamon. The aroma was already enticing, and he still had to toss everything together. So cute! she thought, as he banged about the kitchen in his apron, humming tunelessly all the while.

She sidled up next to him, pressing close and feeling the warm of his muscular body against hers. "You're in a good mood, my sweet." He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. She said she found this irritating, but it usually left her smiling that special smile she only had when she was really happy. This time was no different, he observed while together they set the table.

"It was a good day. Not much mail, and I got a really great cupcake from Pinkie Pie," she said in her low voice. She poked him in the flank with a large wooden spoon, chuckled when he started, and then licked him once behind the ear as a consolation. "And how was your day, Dr. Hooves?" she asked.

The brown stallion finished laying out some bread and butter. "Oh same old, same old, I suppose. Saved the entire galaxy once, and Equestria at least twice, possibly thrice." Satisfied with the table setting he looked up and called out to their daughter: "Dinky, sweetie, Mommy's home and it's dinner time!"

They took their places at the table as the sound of tiny hooves galloping rang through their cozy little house. The foal appeared a moment later, and threw herself into her mother, who picked her up and cradled her with a foreleg to her neck. "Mommy!" she said with foalish enthusiasm. Derpy revelled in the moment of closeness, which didn't last as Dinky started squirming. "Wow, something smells wonderful!" She plopped out of her mother's embrace and took her own place at the table.

"Eat up honey. Daddy made a special salad today," said Derpy, serving her husband and their daughter before serving herself. The youngster immediately plunged her muzzle into her bowl, making happy eating sounds while her parents ate from their own bowls a bit more sedately.

"So, how was school today, darling?" asked Derpy when her daughter had started to slow down a bit.

"Mommy, you'll never believe what Cherilee showed us. Did you know that the earth was round?..." The filly enthusiastically began describing her lessons as her parents listened attentively. Dinner was the family's favorite time, and today was no exeption.

***

Derpy and the Doctor had put Dinky to bed with a sweet little bedtime story about delivering mail to a Dalek planet. They went to their own bedroom, closing the door tight behind them. "This really was an excellent day, my dear, I wish they could all be so." There was a blue flash. "Yes, my love, it was. Our effort to give Dinky a normal foalhood is one of the best decisions we ever made, even if it can lead to some hectic moments." There was a violet flash. Celestia nuzzled Discord. "I love you!" she whispered, as they made ready for bed.

Zoë-tropes - Owlor

Author: Owlor
Prompt: Horror movie gone wrong.
Title: Zoë-tropes

Twilight looked at the building in front of her. The rest of the mane 6 was weary from the long hike, only Pinkie Pie smiled a proud smile besides her.

"It is a cabin," Twilight observed.

"Yes!" Pinkie confirmed

"In the middle of the woods."

"Yes!"

"Pinkie Pie? Are you insane?" Twilight asked.

"Yes! But that doesn't not mean I can't pick out a good camping space, now doesn't it?”

"I..."

"I thought so! Let's unpack, girls, I wanna play game of truth or dare!"

The other ponies went inside. Twilight went trough her mental checklist. This was not good, there were just too many things here that could trigger Pinkie's sense of narrative.

* * *

"ah choose... Pinkie Pie!" Applejack said. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth!

"Have you evah been 'clared legally insane?"

"... yes!" Pinkie cried.. "I- It was an accident, okay? I didn't meant to! Let's go on, please?"

* * *

Twilight was hiding outside. It was only a matter of time now, once they went to sleep, they would all get slaughtered by their best friend. There was only one solution. She made eyeholes in a sack and she picked up an axe.

* * *

Inside, the ponies were sleeping. Twilight went up to Pinkie's bed and woke her up.

"You're The Killer!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Run," Twilight whispered.

"No, I'm the comic relief, it's not my time yet.”

"uh..." Twilight said behind the mask.

"now, who will be the final girl? I'm guessing Fluttershy since she's pure and innocent, am I right?"

"I'm going to kill you!" Twilight growled.

"oh no, not yet! Rarity is obviously the first one to go, then Rainbow Dash, then me. Don't tell me you killed Twilight first, she's the smart girl, she needs to survive until almost the end. You really are bad at this, aren't you?"

"Uh..."

* * *

"ah am gunna KILL yooouuu...." another voice echoed. The shadow of a mare in a hockey mask and cowboy hat appeared, and from behind her another shadow.

"I'm going to kill you all.. uhm, if that's okay..." it said and from behind her, ANOTHER shadow appeared...

"Stop this nonsense! Twilight exclaimed. "Pinkie, there's no nice way to say this, but we were afraid you were going to turn into the killer because of your... y'know."

"Oh, don't worry, I take pills for that now," Pinkie Pie said.

"Thank Celestia for that," Twilight said. "now maybe we can get a good nights sleep and tomorrow..."

* * *

A pathetic little squeal was heard and Fluttershy fell down to the floor. Rainbow Dash was next to her, but before she could react, her head flew off in a gush of blood.

Applejack sent out a kick but felt something grabbing hold of her hind legs. She fell down onto the floor and grunted as a knife got trusted between her shoulder-blades.

Pinkie Pie and Twilight held each other close and it only took one chop to sever both their heads. Once the deed was done, Rarity wiped her hooves off with a handkerchief.

"Oh the things a lady needs to do around here to get some bucking beauty sleep!" she muttered to herself.

CMC-4 - The Grey Pegasus

Author: The Grey Pegasus
Prompt: The Cutie Mark Crusaders get explosives.
Title: CMC-4

The three Cutie Mark Crusader fillies stood outside Sugarcube Corner.

"Gee, it sure was nice of Pinkie Pie to give us some clay for our school project! But what did she mean by pressing this remote gives an added effect?" Scootaloo exclaimed.

"And what would blocks of clay be doin' in between fireworks, firecrackers, and other explode-y stuff anyway?" Applebloom wondered out loud. "Also, what kind of clay would be called such a weird name? 'Composition 4'? It sounds like somethin' from Twilight's books. Or some stupid classical music."

"Well," Sweetie Belle began, "a composition means it's made up of different kinds of things, right? And the 4 must mean that it's the fourth one they got to work or something."

"Who cares? Now we can start our school project!" Scootaloo stated.

"Yeah!" Applebloom agreed. "Maybe we can get clay sculptin' cutie marks!"

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER CLAY SCULPTORS YAY!!"

The three fillies spent all day molding the malleable blocks to a sculpture that they wanted. Deciding to keep it simple, they created a well-sized pony bust. The result was actually pretty decent. Granted, it took a while since they argued how the pony head was going to look like, with Applebloom wanting to make it look like Cheerilee, Sweetie Belle wanting it to look like one of those fancy ponies in Rarity's magazines, and Scootaloo typically wanting to model it after Rainbow Dash. There was also the problem of random metal pins stuck in some of the blocks of clay.

After a couple hours of half-planned, half-improvised work, the three fillies finally finished their school project. In the end, it looked comparable to some mare you could find off the street. Probably like Applejack without her hat. They were sure it was so good, it could blow away anything Diamond Tiara tried to rub in their faces.

The next day's course ran as normal as possible. Diamond Tiara came in with some ridiculous metal abstract art that nopony really cared for. After getting her presentation time, she naturally walked up to the Crusaders and did some self-promoting while mocking their pony bust. The trio were the last to go up.

"Okay, last to go is Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo! Can you please show the class what you made and tell us a little bit about it," Cheerilee announced.

"Well, we decided to make a clay statue of somepony's head," Applebloom started.

"But we kind of went through some arguments and stuff, and we couldn't make it look like anypony," Scootaloo added.

"I think it looks like Applejack," Sweetie Belle commented.

"Oh, and we worked really hard to make it look good, in case we get clay sculpting cutie marks!" said Applebloom.

"How would you get sculpting cutie marks?! It doesn't look any good!" Diamond Tiara teased. "Who would want a cutie mark for that anyway?"

"Now, now, I think it looks very nice, and you girls put lots of effort into it," Cheerilee assured them.

"Yeah! Pinkie Pie even said this remote makes the clay do really cool stuff!" Scootaloo found the remote given to them earlier.

"What? How? What kind of clay is it?"

"Oh," Sweetie Belle answered, "It was something called 'Composition 4'. Whatever that is."

Cheerilee's eyes opened. "Composi-...C4?! W-"

*boom*

Marked by cuties - Cytotoxin

Author: Cytotoxin
Prompt: The Cutie Mark Crusaders get explosives.
Title: Marked by cuties.

"...Right. How much longer, Applebloom?" - Scootaloo was getting impatient. Hovering in air like that took a lot of effort. She sorely wished shed bring that little cloud she used on the other side, but Applebloom sworn theres just a few spots over here...

"Hold yer ponies, Scoots. Ahm doin it as fast as Ah can! Ya know dynamite cant be rushed." - down below, Applebloom was clamping several cardboard sticks together. Giving the clamp a test tug, she nodded - "Aight, ahve got it!" Scootaloo looked up, and nodded - "Alright! Sweetie Belle, you`re on!" Unicorn nodded, grasping the ends of visco fuses with magic and holding them aloft while Scootaloo quickly fluttered down, grabbed the ready explosive and hovered back, holding it snug to the cliffside as Sweetie Belle levitated a strip of adhesive tape over it, securing the bundle. A second later, fuses were stuffed into dynamite sticks and secured with another swath of tape.

"Alright, wheres the next one?" - inquired Scootaloo, as she landed and flexed her wings, getting rid of the stiff feeling in them. "Next? Aint no next one, Scoots. We`re done!" - offered Applebloom as she carefully closed the crate containing the leftover dynamite.

"Indeed, that was the very last one we needed to place." - proffered Sweetie Belle, as she trotted in, undoing her harness on the move - "Now, let us adjourn to safe distance so we could witness our greatest creation." "Ah would, if ya`d help me... ah, thank ya kindly." - grunted Applebloom as Sweetie Belle helped her to heft the crate on her back. "Alright. Last second checklist, ladies. Dynamite?" - called out Scootaloo.

Check!

Fuses?

Check!

Awesome?

...

Scootaloo looked back on her friends - "I said awesome?... oh wait, it`s me. Doublecheck!" Both Applebloom and Sweetie Belle rolled their eyes and began trotting towards the hill at the distance, where they set the flag and the rest of their supplies. Scootaloo shrugged and followed.

"....Right. Let`er rip, Sweetie Belle!" - said Applebloom as all three of them settled down on the hill, covering in a makeshift trench. Nodding, unicorn concentrated for a second, a flicker of flame flaring over the exposed tips of visco fuses, setting them off. SsshhhhhhWHOOOOOM!

"...Oh heck, this is double-awesome!" - whooped Scootaloo as they cautiously peeked over the edge of trench. The cliff in front of them had been scored by dynamite into a humongous statue of divine princesses rearing back to back.

"High-hoof, ladies!" - offered Sweetie Belle after a moment of consideration. Normally, she`d refrain from such brash expressions of joy, but situation called for it. Si... wait a second. She twisted her neck - and let out a long-suffering sigh at the sight of her blank flank. Her actions were mirrored by Scootaloo and Applebloom.

"Aw, come ON! This is totally not fair. What we just did was awesome over nine thousands! What could we possibly do to top that?" - wailed pegasus, as she flopped on her back with a whine. Applebloom shrugged - "Yah know, Scoots, maybeh it aint the mark that is important, but searchin for it? Whole maturing thing and whatnot?"

"I`d like to believe you, Applebloom." - offered Sweetie Belle despondently - "I really would. But for crying out loud... Just how much more maturing thirty-something mares could need?"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders Fire a Bazooka In an Explosives Warehouse - Kavonde

Author: Kavonde
Prompt: The Cutie Mark Crusaders get explosives.
Title: The Cutie Mark Crusaders Fire a Bazooka In an Explosives Warehouse

"Um... are you sure this is a good idea?"

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom rolled their eyes. Sweetie Belle had been dragging her hooves the whole way here, and they were both pretty tired of her complaining.

"Sweetie Belle," Apple Bloom said as reasonably as she could, "we all voted on this, an' me an' Scootaloo won. Ya'll just hafta go along, whether ya like it or not. That's how democracy works."

"But... Equestria isn't a democracy!"

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Well, then, you're still coming with us, because we outnumber you."

Sweetie made a dejected sound.

"Okay, I reckon the guards should be gone by now," Apple Bloom said. She leaned against the red barrel and peered around it. "Looks clear."

She crouched down, put her hooves together, and nodded at Scootaloo. The pegasus jumped forward, wings buzzing furiously, and she briefly got to experience the magic of flight as Apple Bloom launched her up and over the stack of barrels. She landed moderately gently on the other side, rolled behind cover, and waited. No adults sounded the alarm or shouted for them to get lost. "Okay, c'mon!"

Apple Bloom and a reluctant Sweetie Bell rounded the corner. Just a few steps away, sitting out in the open for anypony to see, was their prize.

"How d'ya reckon this thing works?"

Scootaloo shrugged. "I think you put one of those things in the end, and then press that button on the side."

The earth pony nodded and picked one of the strange cylinders up, balancing it awkwardly in her hooves. She angled it up to the edge of the device's long, dark green tube, but before she could release it, Sweetie Belle grabbed her foreleg. "What're you doin'?"

"Those things explode, don't they?" the unicorn asked. "Don't just drop it down there!"

"Well, how'n the hay d'ya reckon we load this thing? Ain't like we can reach all the way down there."

"Well... maybe there's instructions or something?"

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and released the cylinder. Despite her bravado, she tensed, too, as it slid down the tube and came to rest with a soft 'clink.' When it failed to detonate, she breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay. What now?"

"Well," said Scootaloo, "now we point it at something and press that button."

"Okay. What're we pointin' it at?"

The pegasus looked around, considering. After a moment, the brightened and pointed towards the far wall. "There!"

"Um... those crates?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Yeah!"

"They all say 'explosive.'"

"Sure! And if you shoot something explosive at something explosive, the explosion's gotta be even cooler, right?"

Apple Bloom nodded emphatically.

Sweetie Belle looked nervously between her friends, but finally sighed and gave in. "I guess so."

"This is gonna be awesome," Scootaloo said with a wide grin. "We're gonna get our cutie marks for sure!"

The funeral was held six days later.

The Grey Mare - GWFan

Author: GWFan
Prompt: Derpy isn’t what she seems.
Title: The Grey Mare

Sparkler and her little sister Dinky Doo rushed into the hospital lobby only to hear a horrible scream come from the next room. Almost immediately, Sparkler saw a familiar pony she had seen around Ponyville many times. “Rainbow Dash!” she called out as the cyan pegasus looked back at her. “We came as soon as we heard. What happened?”

Dash appeared a bit confused at their arrival but complied, “Derpy Hooves got electrocuted by a storm cloud and now she’s acting weirder than ever.”

“Derpy?” Sparkler looked in the room where the scream had emanated from. “That’s our mother, Ditzy Doo.”

“Derpy has kids?”

“It’s complicated. And her name is Ditzy.”

“Ditzy? I know they look alike but that’s not Ditzy.”

“I would know her if I saw her!”

“Wait a minute,” another voice filled the room. “Perhaps I can clear this up.” Dash, Sparkler, and Dinky all looked when a strange stallion walked in.

“Who are you?” Dash asked.

“I’m the Doctor.”

“Doctor who?”

“Just the Doctor. Look, this is a bit of a complicated story but let me see if I can condense it. To put it shortly, I am a time lord.” Dash and Sparkler appeared completely unimpressed, if not completely unconvinced. “I suppose I should be used to that reaction by now. Anyway, I know this may be hard to comprehend but the mare in there… let’s just call her D for now… basically, I recruited her to be my assistant some years back and we traveled all across time together, saving civilizations, righting wrongs, and generally helping people… err ponies. Unfortunately…” The Doctor peered into the room where the grey mare was still screaming. “I failed to rationalize the sort of side effects time travel might have on an individual such as her after so many time jumps.”

“What do you mean? What kind of side effects?” Sparkler asked.

“It seems that in order to cope with the tremendous pressure of time travel, she developed a split personality complex. Thus both Derpy Hooves and Ditzy Doo were born.”

“They’re the same pony? I never knew that. I always thought they were twins or something,” Dash remarked.

“But which one is the real personality?” Sparkler asked.

The Doctor looked askance of them. “She is both and neither.” Another scream filled their ears and the Doctor winced. “The fact of the matter is I fear her electrocution somehow made her two selves aware of one another. She’s having an identity crisis and her simple mind can‘t handle it.”

“What do we do then? Can’t we help her?” Sparkler pleaded.

The Doctor was silent a moment. “I don’t have an answer for that.”

Abruptly a grey mare burst into the room. “Doctor!” she screamed when she saw him. “Doctor, please… who am I? Am I Derpy Hooves or am I Ditzy Doo? I just don’t know anymore.”

The Doctor stared at her, unable to answer. Dash turned away, not sure how to address her friend. Sparkler wanted to cry. Then Dinky Doo stepped forward and looked up at her.

“You’re neither,” she said softly. “You’re just mom.” And she hugged her.

Though silent for a moment, the grey mare slowly smiled. “You’re right. I’m mom.” She hugged her daughter tight and cried a few joyous tears. “I’m mom.”

The End

The Mysterious Thunder - Askre

Author: Askre
Prompt: The Cutie Mark Crusaders get explosives.
Title: The Mysterious Thunder

Twilight Sparkle entered Ponyville market intending to buy some much needed ingredients for a salad recipe she wanted to try. Rarity had given it to her and as the fashion designer had described it, it was simply divine. Spike rode on her back, checklist and quill in his claws. It looked to be a busy morning as there were many ponies around either buying or selling.

“What’s the first item on the list, Spike?” the purple mare asked.

“Uh let’s see.” The young dragon rolled up the scroll to check the parchment. “Looks like its turnips.”

The librarian slowed down her trot as she glanced around for the turnip stand. She spotted it and changed her direction, but a thundering noise and a tremor going through the earth underneath her halted the Unicorn.

“What was that?” Twilight glanced back at Spike who could only shrug in response. They both eyed up but could only see blue sky with the occasional white tuft of clouds. From one of them Rainbow Dash was peeking up looking both surprised and annoyed.

“Hey, that can’t be a thunderstorm. It’s not scheduled for another month,” the Pegasus retorted and flew up so she could get a better look.

“You see anything?” the purple Unicorn called. There was no response just yet as Dash was still trying to determine where the sound came from, but then the blue pony gasped in shock.

“There is black smoke coming from Sweet Apple Acres,” she shouted and was off in a multicolored streak.

“Oh no, hold on Spike!” Twilight darted off herself. Spike had to cling to her neck so he wouldn’t be thrown off the galloping pony.

Fortunately it didn’t take the Unicorn too long to arrive and she expected to see carnage before her at the apple farm. What Twilight was not expecting was seeing Rainbow Dash lying on the ground, beating it with her hooves laughing.

“Rainbow, what’s the matter with you?” she asked but all the answer she was given was a blue hoof pointing at something.

Twilight looked and gasped first when seeing the smoldering ruins that had once been one of the farm’s barns. Then her attention was brought to the four shapes running in circles around it. Four black sod covered shapes, three small and one bigger.

“COME BACK HERE!” Applejack’s voice could be heard loud and clear.

“Eeeep, we’re sorry, we’re sorry, we’re sorry,” the three distinct voices of the Cutie Mark Crusaders yelped.

“Oh ya’ll be sorry a’right!” Applejack snapped. “When Ah said Ah wanted that barn down. Ah did NOT mean BLOWIN’ IT TO KINGDOM COME!”

Spike couldn’t hold it in any longer and rolled off Twilight’s back, laughing just as hard as Rainbow Dash. The Unicorn eyed her assistant but then noticed that Big Mac had appeared beside her, he nodded a greeting to her.

“So, I take it that you needed this barn torn down and the girls decided to try and get a cutie mark in demolition, found somehow explosives and blew the whole thing up,” Twilight tried to guess what had happened.

“Eeeyup.” Was the simple confirmation from the red stallion that she had it right.

Casting Call - Resda

Author: Resda
Prompt: Horror movie gone wrong.
Title: Casting Call

"Pull the other one." Rainbow Dash hovered warily overhead as Pinkie Pie bounced excitedly in place.

"No joke!" A gray earth pony with a brown mane smiled at the pair. "I know better than to prank on Ponyville's best pranksters."

"Well, I don't know," Rainbow Dash dropped to the floor next to the excited party pony. "I mean, I'm all for awesome ideas, but... a slasher flick? Starring us?"

"Aw, come on, Dashie! It sounds like fun!" Pinkie chirped. "Besides, don't you want to be famous?"

"The lady's right, Miss Dash," the stallion chimed in, lowering his shades to level her with a disarming gaze and a cheesy smile. "This script is surefire! Guaranteed blockbuster!"

"If that's the case, why don't you have some real actress ponies do it?" Rainbow Dash pointed a hoof accusingly. "Besides, I'm not looking for just any old fame. I'm looking for Wonderbolts-levels of awesomeness!"

"And being the star of a movie isn't awesome?" Pinkie argued. "Think of it! We get to be in a movie! We get to rehearse and read scripts and get into character and the director can yell cut and print and then there's all the editing and sound mixing and before you know it we're on the silver screen though I'm not sure what makes it silver and then there are the afterparties once it gets released! Afterparties, Rainbow Dash!" The pink pony had her hooves around Rainbow's withers, shaking her violently.

Rainbow shook her head clear of cobwebs before replying. "Well, the Wonderbolts do tend to go to the Cherry-wood openings..."

The earth pony saw his chance to strike. "Ah, yes, Spitfire herself is quite the movie buff. If the critics love it, maybe she'll attend a screening, crash an afterparty or two! Besides, a pony of your talent deserves the spotlight!"

"Well, if we're doing this..."

"Oh, we're doing this?" Pinkie's grin grew even wider. "I am so ready to throw a Rainbow-Dash-and-Pinkie-Get-To-Star-In-a-Movie Party!"

"Let me finish, Pinkie Pie," she cut in before the pony could start gathering decorations and sending invites. "If we're doing this, mister, I've got some requests."

The stallion began to sweat.

"First off, rewrite it so that Pinkie and me play the roles of ourselves. I'm not pretending to be somepony I'm not... especially if I want everypony to how awesome I am on screen."

"Hmm..." He ran a hoof through his curly mane. "I... think I can make that work. Might require a change of scenery, maybe have the introductory scene in Sugarcube Corner... but... okay."

"Second, I want it in writing. Spitfire comes to the afterparty. Get her a VIP thing or whatever. I just want a chance to talk to her, one on one, no cameras, nopony else."

"How in Equestria am I going to guarantee..." He thought a moment. If this movie went off without a hitch, there was a pretty good chance she was going to show anyway. And maybe, just maybe, if he pulled a few strings... "Alright, deal."

"Then we're in," Rainbow Dash replied, shaking the gray hoof before it was offered.

The stallion chuckled to himself - having two Elements of Harmony in the starring roles would guarantee him the recognition he deserved. By Celestia, this film would go down in history!

"Okay. The film is called... Cupcakes."

A Generous Proposition - Kavonde

Author: Kavonde
Prompt: You work as a telephone conversation screener for the CIA (Celestia’s Intelligence Agency). Your job is to listen in on ponies’ talking. You overhear the conversation of a mare calling from a bar payphone.
Title: A Generous Proposition

Brrrrrring. Brrrrrring. Brrrrrring.

"Hello?"

" ... "

"... Hello?"

" ... "

"... Hello? Is anypony there?"

" ... "

"Hrmph. I do not appreciate being crank called. I'll have you know that I can trace this line. I shall find you, and you shall regret harassing Prince Blueblood in this manner."

"You have a sexy voice."

"... Uh. Pardon?"

"I said... I said, you have a sexy voice."

"... Thank you?"

"What are you wearing?"

"... Who is this?"

"Shh. Shh. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. What are you wearing?"

"... Seriously, who is this?"

"You know me."

"I'm afraid I don't. You certainly sound attractive, if very, very drunk, but... "

"You remember me. I know you do. From, from the party."

"... My dear, you're going to have to be a bit more specific."

"From... from the Gala! You remember? We were, we were at the Gala. There was singing, and, and... and cake, and animals running around... "

"... Rarity?"

"You remember me!"

" ... "

"... Do you ever think about me? I think about you. Like, all the time."

"... Not... particularly?"

"I think about... how, for, for years, I just wanted to... to rip off your tuxedo, to run my hooves through your mane... "

"Uh... "

"... to... to have you just rip open my dress, to take me right there, right in front of everypony, right in the middle of the Gala. Just... just take me in your hooves and, and, bend me right over the buffet table, and... "

" ... "

" ... "

"... Miss Rarity?"

"Hm?"

"You, uh... you sort of trailed off, there."

"Huh? What?"

"You were, uh... you were. Describing. Things."

".... Who is this?"

"What?"

"Who is this?"

"Prince Blueblood."

"What?! Why are you calling me?!"

"What? I didn't-"

"I cannot stand you! You arrogant, stuck-up, worthless excuse for a gentlecolt! How dare you call me?!"

"I didn't! You called me!"

"And why would I do that?!"

"You... I don't know! You were just... describing... uh, how you wanted me to, uh... take you. At the Gala. In front of everypony."

"WHAT?! You disgusting pervert!"

"What?!"

"You sicken me! The thought of you even putting one of your strong... perfectly ponicured hooves... around my waist... and just... "

"Miss Rarity!"

"Huh? What?"

" ... I... damn it, what are you doing?"

"What is who what?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

" ... "

" ... "

" ... I'm going to hang up, now."

"... Wanna come over?"

"... I live in Canterlot."

"I'm in Canterlot. At a, at a bar. I think. Maybe it's a party. But they keep giving me these wonderful drinks, and... "

"Miss Rarity?"

"Yes?"

"Drink some water."

Click.

"... Hello? Prince Blueblood? ... Hello? ... Did you hang up? ... Oh. Okay. Well, I didn't want to sleep with you anyway! I didn't want to... didn't want to tear my dress off, and press myself against your broad, muscular chest, and, and feel your heartbeat against mine, and, and feel you... '

" ... "

" ... And feel you... um... "

"Don't stop!"

"Wha- Who is this?"

"Uh. Ponyfeathers. Cut the line! No, just cut the-"

"... Hello?"

Buzzzzzzz...

Temporal bug - Candlelight

Author: Candlelight
Prompt: You work as a telephone conversation screener for the CIA (Celestia’s Intelligence Agency). Your job is to listen in on ponies’ talking. You overhear the conversation of a mare calling from a bar payphone.
Title: Temporal bug

Time for an all-nighter, like last time. Upside: I don't fall asleep at work, this post is that shallow in daytime traffic. Downside: I don't get to sleep at all. I really should swing between nightly and daily shifts, but that messes up my sleep cycle. Makes me forget what part of or even which day it is. Heh, I remember when I thought it was yesterday and I half-expected everything to play out as I remembered that day.

Sure is lonely all by myself, figures that nopony showed up but me tonight. I wonder when I get a—

"Hello? Is this the right phone? I know you're there, so listen up: I'm locked inside the bar and it's lurking outside. Since you're in the van, it's either gonna—"

What the hay? She didn't call anyone, was she talking to me? How did she know which phone was bugged? Wait a second, the bar is still full outside, I hear music and everything. And this post can only pick up the signal from inside the bar, I know cause I set it up. Ehh, might've been a prank call for all I know, didn't spill no info, so no use noting the time of recording. I hate it when the others don't bother doing that, and then it's my job to listen to the whole thing to find the part they're talkin' about.

Ah well, guess it's back to listening to background noise till I get another one. Damn, I could use a rest...

...

"You still there? Wake up! It's been two hours, I remember when you're taking that nap! So wake up damn it!"

Wh-what? Who the? Oooooh, no you don't, I'm not blowin' covers this time, 'specially not since you woke me up from my... two-hour nap? The hay, how could I fall—

"Listen up! Whatever you do, don't—"

What in tarnation is up with this mare? Same voice, sounded pretty weird through the line. Uhh, yeah, pretty invisible line, considering this thing is—

"Damn radio signal breaking up, I knew we should'a just tapped the phonelines directly! You hear, next time use the damn phone lines! If there's actually gonna be a next time for me!"

"Okay, sister, I've had it with this act! You get off this phone and quit wreckin' the recon instruments or I'll go there and—"

"Recon instruments, oh brother! As for you coming here, yeah, that's what you ain't gonna do, not this time, I ain't gonna let—" ... "Damn this signal, just stay where you are, ok? No matter what you hear, just—"

"You still there? Hey, you hear? Do you read me, over?"

Wait, did I just go all voice procedure on her? She doesn't even—

"Oh, god, no! Please don't! Noo—" ... "You gotta help me! No, wait, you gotta stay—"

I've had enough. Gonna see for myself. Hm, the bar must've... closed while I napped... What in tarna—

Be still my heart, it's outside, the thing is lurking outside, and it can't catch us, cause we're locked inside the bar. Wait, since when do I address myself in plural?

This place is empty. No tables or stools, not even a counter. Pitch black void. Except for the dead phone. How appropriate.

It's right behind me, isn't it?

Paradox Bomb - Aethraspex

Author: Aethraspex
Prompt: The CMC get explosives.
Title: Paradox Bomb

The five of them stood in the dark room, scarcely daring to breathe. The very stillness of the air was enough to warrant their caution, like a taut rope waiting to snap. The Doctor spoke first.

“Nopony touch anything,” He said, turning on the lights. Their eyes were instantly flooded by the sight of thousands of devices, piled on top of each other in a sea of twisted metal. It caused shudders to think that this room alone contained enough destructive power to create a hole the size of Equestria, and still have explosives to spare. The Doctor, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all felt extremely fragile.

Wait, let me explain...

The fillies were in the tardis. Not in the control room as you might expect, but much deeper. The were lost in the maze of corridors within that only the tardis itself could truly navigate. The tardis had been damaged, so the internal chronology of the tardis had become twisted. As it happened, while wandering these corridors, Sweetie Belle ran into herself, only from the future.

Now, where was I...?

Watching the Doctor back out of he room was like watching a tight rope walk, except backwards and more volatile.

“Mmmm mmph mmph,” said the Doctor with the bomb in his mouth. His eyes darted about for a safe place to place the bomb, but it was far too sensitive. Apple Bloom took charge.

“Right, girls we need-”

Suddenly the Doctor ran in. “There you are! Right, Apple Bloom, you go with me... ah, him, that is. Scootaloo go find me and bring me here, then try find the exit. Sweetie Belle, go find explain this mess to yourself, so you can tell me about it later. Everypony got that? good,”

Hold on, back up a bit. I think I missed some stuff.

The explosion in the tardis split the crusaders up, forcing them on their own paths. Scootaloo followed herself to the explosives room. Sweetie Belle learned from herself that in order for the tardis to repair itself, it had to cause the explosion that damaged it and close the time loop. Apple Bloom turned a single corner and found everypony waiting already.

Right, back on track.

The crusaders set off, leaving the future Doctor and Future Sweetie Belle with the bombs.

“So... what do we do?” Sweetie barely finished asking when Scootaloo came rushing in.

“Aha! Perfect timing,” said the Doctor

“Guys! I’ve found the exit!” She called. The three of them quickly followed her to the control room, and wasted no time trying the door. It was locked.

“Huh? it was open when we came in...” Sweetie said.

“And you say you were drawn in by the sound of an explosion,” said the Doctor.

“Yeah, and then we heard you screaming about some key you dropped and followed that into the tunnels,” said Scootaloo.

“How are we going to get out?” ask Sweetie Belle.

In a rush of hooves, Apple Bloom came galloping in with the bomb and the sonic screwdriver. She placed the device carefully down next to the door and said, “Alright everypony, y’all better stand back now...”

And that’s how the Cutie Mark Crusaders simultaneously solved and created a problem, all before they were even involved in the first place.

Dragnet - JimboTex

Author: JimboTex
Prompt: You work as a telephone conversation screener for the CIA (Celestia’s Intelligence Agency). Your job is to listen in on ponies’ talking. You overhear the conversation of a mare calling from a bar payphone.
Title: Dragnet

Fillies and gentlecolts, the story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent...

This is the city: Canterlot, the capital of Equestria. I'm part of the thin blue line that keeps The Peace of Celestia and protects Her little ponies. It's an invisible part of that line, and we like it that way. My partner, Wetware, is on temporary assignment with another department, so I'm on my own for now. My boss is Wire Tap, Chief of Signals Intelligence. My name is Wednesday's Child, a unicorn. I work for Celestia’s Intelligence Agency.

It was July 10th. The Summer Sun Celebration was just a few weeks behind us and we were heading into the hot part of the summer. I was working the night watch out of Arcane Communications. My assignment was the pay phone at a joint known as The Haybale – one of the seediest pubs in Ponyville. I wasn't sure what sort of useful intel one could get from such a place, but I wasn't one to question my superiors. That was a job for the colts who do analysis for SigInt.

As 10 PM approached, I thought back on the last few hours. It had been pretty dull. There were a few crank calls from minors whose fake IDs had fooled the bartender into illicitly plying them with booze.

One stallion, apparently a famous TV talking head, had drunk dialed one of his subordinates to regale her with his lurid fantasies involving her, a shower, a loofah, and Saddle Arabian food products. Surely, a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen, but nothing of vital importance.

My boring night was about to take a change for the weird, however. At about a quarter after 10, a cyan pegasus with prismatic mane came into view of the phone's hidden camera and dialed an unlisted number.

Interesting. What was one of the Elements of Harmony doing here, and who was she trying to call? Relieved that I was finally catching something other than red herrings, I made sure that the audio recording devices were running, and listened in on her side of the call.

“Hi... Yeah, I did it... The boss was reluctant to give you all the job, but I told him he could count on you three to get it done...”

“Well, to be honest, he thought you were a little young for this sort of work, but I assured him that you all had plenty of experience. Of course, it helped to remind him of the favor he owed me for supplying him with some of that famous Zap Apple Cider...”

“He said to be here by 6 PM tomorrow, or the deal's off... Okay...”

“You know, I still can't believe I'm having to do this for you. I thought you learned your lesson last time about embarrassing photos... Fine. Goodbye, and good luck!”

Blackmail. The poor mare was being blackmailed with embarrassing photos. What in Celestia's name was she being forced to do? The answer wasn't long in coming, as I could hear the shouting even on her end of the conversation:

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TAVERN WENCHES! YAAAY!”

Oh, boy. Signals Analysis is going to just love this one...

News Flash - overdonefictions

Author: overdonefictions
Prompt: Fan drawings are found in Equestria.
Title: News Flash

Twilight awoke early Saunterday morning to the sound of a familiar thump on her door. One that always came at this time. Her favorite magazine. It was renowned as Equestria's most trusted news source, so she always read it.. Twilight quickly hopped out of bed and raced down the stairs to retrieve her paper.

Twilight opened the door with a creak and looked down at her stoop. She could make out the title of the magazine, Equine Enquirer, but not the cover image. The title of the first article was always "A shocking new development!", so she wasn't surprised when she saw this as well. She untied the small amount of twine that held her magazine in a nice, cylinder and picked it up, unrolling it with a gasp.

"How...did these pictures get in the magazine's hands?"

She looked more closely to assure they were real. There were rather...unsightly pictures of Twilight on the cover, as well as her friends. She flipped to the page the article started on. She found it easily because a centerfold of Fluttershy marked the beginning of the article. Twilight folded the picture back up, she didn't want to see her friend like this.

Twilight flipped through the article, seeing more and more pictures. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were "together" in quite a few, Rarity was with some unknown stallion, and Twilight...was with Celestia?

Twilight had actually believed this was a real article. She knew it had to be fake, she had never been in the princess's royal bedchambers. Nopony was ever allowed in there.

But what about these pictures? How did somepony fake something like this?

A sheet of paper fell onto Twilight's face. She removed it and looked at it to see a kinky picture of Lyra and Bonbon. Twilight quickly tossed the thing aside. She looked up and saw all kinds of pictures raining from the sky. Every single one of them of pornographic nature.

Twilight took her magazine and locked her front door. She would be busy for a while.

CLOP CLOP CLOP "OH FLUTTERSHY YES!"

The End

Derpy's dark secret - Ferlathin

Author: Ferlathin
Prompt: Derpy isn’t what she seems.
Title: Derpy's dark secret

I sighed. It had been one of those days when it was specifically hard to keep the disguise up. Even though my many years of training I sometimes felt sad. Today I had met Twilight Sparkle and her five best friends. They were always very polite, but I knew that they felt pity for me. They did also seem to have fun together and I envied them, slightly.

I shook off the envious thoughts and continued to look at my reflection in the mirror.

“You can do this, Derpy!” I said to myself.

I took a deep breath. Everything felt a little bit better. I didn't know how long I would have to do this, but I knew that it was important. Don't worry master, I won't fail you. I thought to myself.

Since there had not been anything special happening today, I didn't have to report anything. That was the deal. I recalled the end of our first conversation. “You need to report directly to me if something happens to 'her'. You know how to reach me, don't you?” the voice said.

“Yes, master.” I had replied.

I went to bed early since there wasn't really much to do at home, and for me not much to do outside either.

I woke up the next day, did my morning duties and went outside. As I opened the door I felt a warm breeze. The sun was rising and the sky was clear blue. I could feel that it would be a beautiful day. Maybe there'll be something to report, who knows. I thought to myself as I happily trotted out on the streets of Ponyville.

I trotted, seemingly lost in my thoughts, around Ponyville for a while, carefully looking for Twilight Sparkle. She was the one I had to look out for. When I didn't find her, I decided to trot towards the library while trying to figure out a good reason for me to be there. I noticed that one of the windows were open and that there was a book lying on the windowsill. I checked that nopony were in sight and then I quickly flew up to the window and grabbed the book.

With the book in my mouth I knocked on the library door. Spike opened after a moment.

“Uuh. Hi?” he said.

I gave him the book.

“You want to return this?” he said.

“Found it. Twilight in?” I replied.

“Thanks you! Twilight's sick, you see. Stomach ache.”

“Ok. Bye.” I said.

I hurried home. I knew that this was something that I should report. Something important. As I came home I went down to my basement where I could contact him. I sat down and focused my thoughts. Soon a little bit of smoke appeared. I knew that was the sign.

“I think it's starting, master.” I said.

“Excellent.” My master's voice echoed in the basement. “Excellent indeed.”