Of All Trades

by Vendetta

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure, Main 6
Length: 2156

Master of None.

Jack Spade is an assassin, and she doesn't do anything to hide it. When she attempts to assassinate the Regent of the Sun, things get bad very fast. Join our sarcastic anti-heroine as she goes across Equestria after she escapes at her execution. Will she survive long enough to know the magic of friendship?...probably not.

Published 2012-08-17 20:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-17 20:34:01 UTC

Fun in the Sun

It was that time again.

The "Summer Sun Celebration". The longest day of the entire year, and the day that Celestia raises the sun for all of the ponies to see. It was in Fillydelphia this year, and I was sure to attend. It generally went well every year.

Well, except last year, where some crazy chick who just so happened to be Celestia's sis tried to make it nighttime eternal. Not all was bad, though, as the elements of harmony kicked her ass. Happy endings, huh?

If all goes well tonight, we will have no happy endings.

Did I forget to introduce myself? My name is Jack Spade. I'm an assassin. And tonight, my target is the Regent of the Sun, Princess Celestia.

CHAPTER 1: FUN IN THE SUN

I had picked out a pretty good spot. From this angle, my 50. could hit her in the head with undeniable accuracy. She be'd out like a light in 10 seconds flat. Who made that popular, anyway? Was it Dashie? It was Dashie. Anyways, I had the shot, and half a million bits, lined up perfectly. Until I heard a voice behind me.

"H-hey! S-stop."

I sighed and turned around. It was a royal guard, and, by the look of him, he was a rookie. Rookies. I remember that time in Neigh Orleans...sorry, getting off track. I pointed the rifle at him.

"I'm going to give you a riddle. If you answer it, I'll let you go. Got it?" the guard nodded.

A veteran would have easily noticed that had I fired the gun and shot him, I would have given myself away and would be arrested on the spot. Not rookies! They haven't figured out that little bit. Also, he pcould have just attacked me right there on the spot.

"What's black and white and red all over?" I asked.

"A-a newspaper." answered the guard.

"Really? Hmm, I was thinking "Sunburned Zebra"...ah, you replaced red with read! I see what you did there, you clever little guard! I don't know if I should shoot you or let you go...how about this. I won't shoot you."

The guard gave a sigh of relief.

Which turned into a scream of terror. We happened to be on a balcony, so I casually threw him over the rail. What? I've done much worse. One time, I dressed up as the Slender Pony and-off topic again.

With that little distraction, I lined up my shot to see the Regent of the Sun and Moon looking over to the fallen guard. I was about to shoot when a cold object pressed against my neck.

"Not so fast."

I turned around to see the captain of the royal guard, Shining Armor, with a SIG Saur pressed against my throat.

"Heh, heh...wanna hear a riddle?"

EXECUTION OF JACK SPADE

Did you know they still used chopping blocks? I didn't. The only executions I've ever seen are the ones I carried out myself. Than again, Equestria doesn't really get a chance to execute often, so I'm sure the royal guards are super excited. They probably can't wait to lop my flippin' head off. Is that a popcorn vender? Damn...I want some.

"Jack Spade, Hitmare for Hire." said Princess Luna, standing next to Princess Celestia who was overseeing my death.

"And you're Nightmare Moon, right?" I asked, smiling.

"DO NOT CALL US NIGHTMARE MOON, CRIMINAL! WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA!" she responded in her Canterlot voice.

"More like "Lunatic". Say, do you know any dragon shouts? The Dragonborn ain't got nothin' on you." I responded.

Celestia sighed while was blowing smoke out of her nostrils.

"Does the criminal have any pleas against the crime?" asked Celestia, giving me a death stare. Fluttershy would crumble beneath the stare that was being given to me by the Princess of the Sun.

"Hmm...nope. I did it. Tried to, anyway. I failed. Hey, about the popcorn dude, can I-" I said.

"SILENCE! This is a serious offense! You attempted to kill me, on the Summer Sun Celebration no less! You should be thankful that I'm making your death quick and painless!" she shouted. A purple unicorn next to her was cowering in fear.

"Actually, I would like to thank Shining Armor on this one." I said casually.

"...why?" asked the princess slowly.

"Well, he forgot to check me for weapons." I responded.

I opened my mouth. Inside was a little gun that shot tiny needles. Inside these needles was a liquid that was knock people out instantly. It also served as a knife, which I would need for my bound wings and hooves. I shot the guards surrounding me and I freed my wings and my hoofs.

about 20 royal guards surrounded me, so I flew up in the air and took off. I was pretty fast for a pegasus, giving off 30 wing power to Rainbow Dash's 60. I began to fly north before I heard a bullet fly past me. They were shooting!

I flew higher higher until I was concealed by the clouds before I took a quick breather. They would be sending a search party soon, So I had to move, and quickly. Where would I go? I would need a rural place live where not many folk came around.

Ponyville.

Wait a minute. Didn't, like some of the elements live there? That would be trouble...but It would be worth the risk. I had to go to Ponyville to avoid detection from the public eye. IT was either there or Los Pegasus, my home town, and I couldn't go back there after what just happened.

I flew in the direction of Ponyville as fast as I could, not looking behind me, not slowing down. I had to things to do.

The first was to find out who sent me that contract.

The second was to kick his, or her, ass.

PONYVILLE

Well, here I was. Ponyville. It was huge, but not a lot to fill the space. It looked old-timey. like something that would be around in the colonial days. It was a start. The first thing I needed to do was get a map of this place. I looked to the right to find a tree with a door and the word "Library" written on it. They would have a map for sure!

I opened the door and went inside. A purple pony was at a desk reading a book.

"Ponyville Library, what can I get for-" She looked up at me, gaping.

"You...you're the..."

I flew out the door faster than Derpy eating a muffin.

Bad "Luck"

Where was I? Ah, yes! Twilight flippin' Sparkle, Element of Magic, is chasing after me through a town I don't know too much about! It isn't so hard to remember when you-off track once more. I need to work on that.

"Hey! Stop!" said Twilight, who was probably behind me. I didn't look back, for I was trying to save myself by locating a hiding spot. Irony, you suck.

I found a bakery to my left and I dove right in...to find the Element of Laughter sitting at the front desk. I take back my prievious statement, Fillies and Gentalcolts. Irony REALLY sucks.

"Hey! You're the assassin! The one who escaped three days ago! Woah, I was at your execution! My tail twitched then my eyes them by nose itched and my hooves stomped which means that you're being chased by Twilight! Do you need to hide? I'll give you a hiding spot, but you'll have to pay me back!" she said.

"Deal!" I responded. I bolted upstairs and pressed my face to the wall. I heard the door open; that had to be Sparkle. She was panting.

"Pinkie! Have you seen a mare run in here?" she asked.

"Was she red with a white mane and black tail? Did she have a single spade as a cutie mark?" asked Pinkie, her voice still jovial as ever.

"Yea! That's her!" replied Twilight.

"Haven't seen her." said Pinkie.

"What? Then how did you know-"

"Well, my fourth-wall powers allowed me took look at the cover of the fanfiction we're in! But that only shows her head, so I read Ven's mind using my gypsy magic and I found out what she looks like from that! But, I haven't seen her around, Twilight. Sorry."

I was sure Twilight was gaping. Me and you both, sis. Me and you both.

"W-well t-thanks, Pinkie..." She quickly left.

I came out from my hiding place.

"How much do I owe ya, Pinkie? 1000 bits? 2000?" I asked.

"No no no no no, silly filly! I want you to deliver a package to my friend Rainbow Dash!"

"S-she lives here too? How many other Elements live here?" I asked.

"All of them! Isn't it great!" said Pinkie.

If any of you readers see Irony, could you kick his ass for me? Thanks!

"Alright. What's in the box?" I asked, hoping it wasn't that heavy.

"It's just some rainbow cupcakes I've been wanting to test. They seem super-rific to me, but I want to see what Dashie thinks! Just do that and we're even." said Pinkie.

"What if I take the box, get out, and throw it in the trash can?" I couldn't see how she could be so sure the task would be done.

Her expression from oozing with joy came to a death glare.

"Oh, I'll find out. And when I do, I'm going to kill you! I shall put you in an oven and bake you to 350! Your death will come slowly with you wishing that you haden't messed with me! You're final breath will be a call for mercy, one that shall go unheeded as I relentlessly devour you soul! So what are you waiting for, silly filly! Deliver the package! But most importantly, HAVE FUN!" she shouted.

Note to self; Don't talk to Pinkie Pie EVER AGAIN.

I walked out the door, looking behind me to see if she had an axe in her hooves(she didn't, thank Celestia), and I flew up above the clouds as I did on the day of my escape. I was going to have to pull an EPS guy on this one. Ya know, ring the doorbell, put down the package, and run away? I hate it when they do that. Deserters.

Well, I approached the house of which I assumed was Rainbow Dash's. So, I did what any other mailmare would do(except for Derpy. Derpy would probably drop an anvil on somepony from the sky like in the cartoons. Say, where do those birds get the anvils? I mean, do you buy them or do you-sorry). I rung the doorbell, dropped the package, and flew away as fast as I could.

Unfortunatly for poor old Jack, Rainbow Dash was faster.

As I stated before, I have 30 wingpower. That is generally considered outstanding for a pegasus, but we're talking about Rainbow Dash here. She averages 60, but has been known to clock 75-77. That's insane. Anyways, short story short, She brought me to the ground after kamikazee-ing me in mid air.

"Who are...ah ha! You're the assassin!" said Rainbow.

"You've heard of me? Flattered." I said.

"Not a very good assassin if you failed." Rainbow teased.

"I would have gotten away with it if it wern't for those meddling guards!" I shouted, shaking my hoof in the air.

"Scooby Doo? Really?" said Rainbow.

"Hey, already did Friendship is Witchcraft. What else?" I asked.

"Whateves! What was in the package, huh? A bomb?" said Rainbow.

"No. Pinkie wanted me to bring you some cupcakes for you to try. Not a bomb. BUT, I should try that sometime, better than a bullet to the face-"

"Wait a minute. Pinkie trusts you?" asked Rainbow.

"Heh he-no. She wanted me to do this favor in return for shelter. But you caught me, so you can take me off to the clink. Actually, they'll probably just chop my head off."

Rainbow looked at me before smiling.

"...Actually, I need a favor done as well."

"Mother of Celestia." I said, returning the smile.

"I'm an avid pranker. Do you know who the Slender Pony is?" asked Rainbow.

"Of course. I've taken out targets dressed as him." I said.

"That's messed up. Anyways, Fluttershy saw me playing a game about him and got kinda freaked out. I conforted her and told her it was okay. Now I need you to go into Carousel Boutique and steal a manni-majiggy from her shop. I can do the rest." said Rainbow.

"One. I'm not a theif, I'm an assassin. If you wanted me to snipe a mannequin in the head, that's more my game. Two. You would let a Equestrian-wide kknown assassin off the hook becasue you want to pull a prank on somepony?" I asked.

"...Yes."

"I'm starting to warm up to you, Rainbow Dash."