Turn Your Head And Cough...
~*~
Today is the day. You sucked it up, swallowed all your fears, and asked your friend Gabby the griffon out on a date. And she said yes!
...okay, to be fair, she didn't think it was a date. She kept asking who else would be there, if she should invite anyone, all that stuff. Even when you told her that it would just be the two of you, she said she was thrilled to "do a more relaxed hangout session." She also seemed oblivious that you were inviting her to the Horse Apple restaurant, the fanciest place in town.
It made you wonder if maybe she sensed your ulterior motives and was actually just ducking your advances. But at the same time, it made sense. The two of you have been friends for over a year now, and you haven't had the balls to make any sort of move besides the occasional compliment and hug. You did pop a boner that one time she hugged you extra tight, but she just asked you why humans grow their tails out the front, and you made up some story about how human asses are so fat that they need balance on the opposite side or else you'd all just fall over. She totally bought it, and occasionally asks you how your tail is doing today. You tell her you coil it around your leg, so it usually doesn't show. God forbid you ever do get her into bed, because she's in for a world of disappointment.
The point is, she has no reason to believe you're actually into her like that. And she's a little ditzy and oblivious, but you find that charming in its own way. Like a golden retriever, but sexy. Well... sexier than usual.
That's why you're going to break the habit today, and just say it outright. You've practiced in the mirror a bunch of times, you've said the words over and over again. 'Gabby, I'm in love with you.' It seems so easy until you are face to face with her, then your knees go to jelly and you make noises like a slow-bus species of goat. But your resolve is firm. You just have to do it.
As you sit down to dinner with your "date," you can see how excited Gabby is by the beaming look on her face.
"Wow Anon," she says, her eyes large, her cheeks full and pink, "this place is pretty fancy-shmancy!"
"Well, I mean... it's a special occasion," you tell her haltingly, trying to hide your own blush.
"It is? Ooooh tell me!" she squeals in delight.
"Well... it has to do with you and me."
Gabby stares at you, both confused and excited. It seems to be her constant state of being.
"It does? Hmmmm."
She scratches at her beaky chin with one claw, obviously thinking hard. Now's a perfect time, Anon! Just tell her while she's sitting there, looking all cute like that. Just say it like you did in the mirror. Remember how you always said it back to yourself? How you'd fuck you? You'd fuck you hard? Okay, she's not going to say that, but she might say she likes you too! You won't know until you say it so just...
"Gabby, I-"
"Ah-HAH!" Gabby cries out suddenly, interrupting you. Ponies at neighboring tables all turn to look at her, and waiter gives you a disapproving glare. "It's the anniversary of when we became friends, isn't it!"
You simply stare at her, open-mouthed. She takes you silence as a sign she got it right.
"Oh my gosh, that's totally amazing Anon!" she goes on without waiting for you to respond. "You wanted to celebrate our friendship, and you took me here? That's super super sweet! I'm so glad we're friends, this is a great way to mark the occasion!"
"S-sure," you say, hating your own traitor mouth as the word comes out.
Shame spreads over you as she claps her front claws together and waves at a nearby waiter.
"Hey, get me and my friend here some champagne," she declares without asking you if you even like the stuff, "we're celebrating our anniversary!"
"Oh, congratulations," says the waiter unenthusiastically, looking you over with an eye that says he doesn't approve of your peasantly existence, "how long have you been a couple?"
"Hahaha," Gabby giggles as she slaps a claw on the table at the humor of it all, "no, we're not a couple or anything. It's a friend-aversary!"
The waiter cocks an eyebrow at you and seems like he's trying to stifle a laugh. You begin to study the tines on your fork, wishing endlessly that death's sweet embrace would just come and take you now.
"Very good," he says, nodding at Gabby, "I'll bring it right over."
As he turns away, you debate for a moment how you should handle this. You could let it go, just enjoy dinner and then go home and commit sudoku. Or, you could try again, tell her, and just rip the bandaid off. If she says no, she says no. But maybe she could still say yes? You doubt it now, but here's hoping.
"Actually, Gabby," you say slowly, still not looking at her, "there's another reason we're here."
"There is?"
You reach a hand across the table, thanking satan that it isn't trembling, and take her claw. You dare to glance up to see how she responds to this before looking down again. She stares to your hand, looks up at you, and tilts her head in a confusingly parrot-like way. She looks concerned, but not repulsed. At least that's a start.
"Gabby," you say, "It's been over a year, and we've gotten close. As we've gotten closer I've come to realize that... that..."
All at once, you are interrupted by a cough. You look up at Gabby and see that she's gently pounding on her chest with one claw, a look of discomfort in her face.
"Er... sorry Anon, will you excuse me for a moment?"
Tell her no. She sometimes leaves hangout sessions with you and your mutual friends for half an hour at a time. You don't know what she does int he bathroom, and you don't want to know, but if she have to wait another half hour, you'll lose your nerve! Just say what you want to say fast!
"Of course," you tell her.
Okay, mouth, we are scrubbing you out with hot sauce as punishment for your treachery later.
She quickly gets up, offers you a weak smile, and strides towards the hall that leads to the ladies room. You watch her go out of sign, shrieking at yourself to do something, anything to stop her. A sudden surge of desperate bravery causes you to jump up, and before you know it you're running after her.
"Gabby wait!" you call, "I need to tell you that-"
This time you go silent of your own accord.
As you turn the corner, you spot Gabby, standing against a wall, eyes bulging and neck craning out, pounding at her own chest and coughing wetly. She looks sick, distressed, and her eyes are partially rolled back in her head. Her shoulders are shaking rhythmically, like she can't get any breath.
Oh holy fuck, she's choking!
"Shit!" you yell, and it isn't very effective," G-gabby!"
She turns to you, seeming to barely be able to focus on your face, and she goes deathly pale. Oh no, that's not a good sign. She hasn't been choking long, maybe you can still save her!
You rush over, grab her around her middle, and squeeze hard. You're not sure if the Heimlich maneuver works on bird lion things, but you've got to try. You can barely reach your arms around her, but you squeeze hard and fast, over and over With each motion, she makes a horrible hacking noise like the grinding of a cheese grater on a wet sponge. After a few more, you realize this position isn't working.
"Hold on," you say, your voice panicked, "I've got you, I'm here."
She flails her paws and claws, still making that horrifying, sickening noise, as you tip her forcefully backwards onto the ground. Maybe if you can press down on her diaphragm like that, you can get better force. You cross your hands, like you're performing a chest compression, and push down once. Twice. Each time, her neck seems to get longer and her eyes bulge more and more. Her beak works like she's trying to say something, and her front claws keep flailing, but no noises come out other than hacking and coughing. The sound is getting more intense every time.
You can't do this alone and you need to save her! For one thing, if you do you'll be here hero, and then she'll have to let you nail her! That's like a law or something. But marginally more importantly, you need to rescue her and keep her alive. You look down into her frightened eyes, her pale face, and a real terror fills you, that you'll see her die right here right now. You open your mouth, ready to scream for help...
And then it happens.
All at once, Gabby's beak opens wide, and with one loud, angry-sounding gagging hack, she vomits into your mouth. No, it's not vomit, it's too dry for that. Sure, there's bile, tasting sour like the underwear at the bottom of the laundry hamper, but most of it seems to be... hair. And feathers. Amidst them in the giant sticky gob that expertly hits the back of your throat, you feel small lumps. Something in your brain quickly tells you that these are bones. The bones of small rodents, maybe squirrels.
Under all the horror, repulsion, confusion, and terror quickly filling your mind, you remember two very important things. First, you remember dissecting owl pellets in fifth grade, and how some birds regurgitate the indigestible bits of their prey. You also remember the way your cat Chonk used to cough up these giant hairballs that both looked and smelled like turds, and made little puddles around them of brown digested meat juice.
Yeah. That's definitely what's in your mouth right now.
You don't even have the ability to scream. Instead, you just open your mouth, feeling bits of rodent bone, fur, and stomach acid trying to slide down your throat, and half-cough half-vomit the hairball pellet out of your mouth onto the floor. You make a noise like a dying fish as you do, then stand there, staring helplessly down at the sticky, squiggly lump before you.
What... what just happened? What's happening right now? Seemingly out of the ether, you hear a familiar voice.
"Oh Anon I am just so so so SO so sorry!" Gabby says quickly, "I always try to do that away from my friends. It's super embarrassing, but better out than in I always say!"
You look up achingly slowly to see her standing there before you, like nothing is wrong at all. Your brain notes her cat body, her bird head, and fits it all together. This is why she took so long in the bathroom every time. This is why she always excused herself before eating. And she just did it. Directly. Into your mouth. She's smiling there, as if nothing happened, and she offers you a big sheepish shrug.
You make a gurgling noise in response.
"So, uh," she says, blushing slightly, "What was it you wanted to tell me?"
You stare at this creature before you, her smile, her dazzling eyes. Her bubbly expression shines through, her blush is deep and inviting. And that... trail of brown bile still... dripping down the side of her beak... is...
"You know what?" you croak out, "Never mind."
-END-
Author's Note
It's been too long.
I'm sure you've all... "missed" this.
...
I know I have.
