Hydia's Hideous Hex

by Shaxbert

Rating: teen
Tags: Twist, Tragedy, Adventure, Diamond Tiara, Dark, Silver Spoon, Equestria Girls
Length: 1852

Can Zirconia Diadem and Argenta Runeladle stop the Smooze?

When an ancient evil threatens the peace of her kingdom, it's up to Princess-Knight Zirconia Diadem XVI and her faithful court wizard Argenta Runeladle to drive it back. It won't be easy, but they've got heart.

If only they had experience to match...

Published 2019-12-07 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-12-07 00:50:01 UTC

Nightmare in Dream Land

Princess-Knight Zirconia Diadem XVI's time on the throne of Dream Land had only just begun, but she was already convinced that she would never feel entirely comfortable on it. In fact, when matters of state required her judgment, she often had to be forcibly placed on that throne by her friend and seneschal, the court wizard Argenta Runeladle. Even then, every second Zirconia spent on the massive crystal seat was spent absorbed in her own dreams. Dreams of following in the legendary footsteps of her fearless forebears as they pulled squabbling nation-states together through amazing feats of valor and heroism, uniting them into a force to overthrow the wicked witch Hydia, and from the defeated overlord’s shattered dominion, assemble the idyllic nation that the Diadem dynasty had presided over for five hundred years. How could adjudicating petty squabbles amongst the minor nobility compete with that?

Fortunately—well, in a very specific sense—Zirconia's reign coincided with a dreadful anniversary. The evil of Hydia could never be fully driven from the world; it could only be contained, in a magical prison deep underground. Roughly once a century, the spells holding the seals on Hydia's prison in place would weaken, and Hydia would emerge in fury and ruin, bent on reclaiming her dark kingdom from her usurpers and turning Dream Land into a world of waking nightmares. Each time, she would be driven back into her prison by heroes of the time, led by a descendant of the Diadem family. Zirconia's coronation had occurred seventy-two years, ten months and two days since the last breach.

Evil, however, did not keep to a strict schedule, and Hydia’s latest escape occurred nearly thirty years earlier than anticipated.

The witch's return came without warning. One idyllic summer morning, every faucet and drain in the castle suddenly began to run with a thick purple muck, smelling of rotten earth and dead things, and tasting even worse. Once it began, the foul flow could not be stopped as it overtook everything and everyone in its path. A vile brew of Hydia's making: the Smooze.

Zirconia wasted no time in donning the armor of Princess Zirconia Diadem the First, her many-greats grandmother, and taking up the family sword to defend the nation she had founded. With Argenta in tow, the princess immediately set about driving back this resurfaced threat, vowing to put an end to Hydia not just for another century, but for all time.

Considering how the quest had unfolded, however, Zirconia was beginning to wonder whether the throne might not be so bad a place after all, perhaps with a few new cushions.

"Stupid, stupid muck! Why won't you QUIT IT?!" Zirconia yelled. With a sideways swing of her sword, she sliced away a dripping tendril that threatened to encircle her waist. Two more mucous members bubbled up from the creeping crud to take its place. Ropy strands of Smooze already held fast to her legs, their cool, clammy touch spreading a tingling numbness through her lower body.

At her side, Argenta Runeladle fought to maintain her balance as similar tendrils threatened to pull the wizard off the small rocky pedestal that the pair had been forced to retreat to. The tiny headland was the only patch of land in view that wasn’t covered by the heaving mass of the Smooze. "You're trying to fight a giant soup with a big knife, Your Highness. It's arguably the worst tool for this particular job."

Evidently, their dire straits couldn't spare Zirconia from Argenta's withering brand of wisdom. "Well, you're the one with the giant spoon," retorted the Princess-Knight, indicating the Runeladle—a gleaming silverwood spoon-staff as tall as its wielder that Argenta was never without. "Can't you do something with it?!"

"Not since I burned its last charge against the Smoozelings while we were escaping the castle," Argenta replied. "I suggested that we rest before storming Hydia's stronghold so I could get my spells back, but alas, I must have forgotten that Princess-Knight Zirconia Diadem can never rest when evil is afoot." Argenta’s unflattering impersonation of her regent became a grunt as a tendril grabbed her armor’s tabard and yanked, threatening the mage's already-precarious balance.

Great jabbering heads loomed around the imperiled pair. It was said that those lost to the Smooze became a part of it, resurfacing as those slimy faces for brief moments of blabbering insanity before melting back into its mass. Zirconia was beginning to fear that two new faces were about to be added to that incalculable number. "Tell me you have SOMETHING left in the tank, Argenta! A lightning bolt, or a fireball—anything?!"

"Just this." Argenta focused as best she could with the Smooze pulling her in three different directions, and a glowing, spectral Mage Hand, as large as her torso, materialized several feet in front of her. The hand turned its back to the nearest Smooze-head, then extended a single finger in an extremely rude gesture. After holding its pose for a few moments, it disappeared in a swirl of silver sparkles. "...And there it goes. So, do you want to jump in first, or shall Iiiiii"

Argenta's final question was cut short, punctuated with a shriek as a huge, slimy tentacle swatted her clear off the rock. The mage barely had time to register what had happened before she was pulled beneath the Smooze's undulating surface, but Zirconia knew she would hold Argenta's sound of horrified realization in her memory for the rest of her life.

The burden wouldn't have to be carried for long. As Zirconia watched her friend disappear into the violet waves of the Smooze, one of its massive, monstrous mouths rose up out of the sludge behind her. A colossal wave of waste crashed down on the princess in a sticky, fetid torrent, driving her off of her precarious perch.

The cold numbness in Zirconia's legs immediately spread to cover her whole body as the slime coated her from crown to sole, sparing her from feeling anything else. The numbness slowly worked its way into her body as well, as the Smooze doggedly wormed its way into her ears and nostrils.

Knowing it was a futile endeavor, Zirconia nonetheless held her breath as she drifted in the currents of her violet vanquisher and found her final thoughts filled with regret. She and Argenta had fallen, and soon Dream Land would as well, for now nothing could stop the Smooze.

All too soon her lungs reached their limit, and Princess-Knight Zirconia Diadem XVI released the pressure with one final cry of equal parts defiance and despair.

"ARRRRRRRGH!" Diamond Tiara swept her dice and the sheet for the late Princess-Knight Zirconia Diadem XVI onto the floor with a savage swipe of her arm. "What a dumb waste of time!"

"That'th what you try to thay, but it jutht cometh out ath 'bllbllbllblllblbl'," Twist said, still in full game-master mode.

Silver Spoon leveled an iron gaze at Twist, one that not even two pairs of glasses and a GM screen could blunt. "What die do I need to roll to smite the GM?" she asked, flatly.

Twist shrugged. "Thorry, girlth, but I tried to tell you—first-generation moduleth aren't really good for beginnerth. Ethpethially thith one! 'Hydiath's Hideouth Hex' is dethighned for a party of at leatht four Level 5 characterth! What was I thuppothed to do?"

"You're SUPPOSED to let me WIN," Diamond groaned as she plopped back into her seat. "We're NEVER going to catch up to Apple Bloom and the others at this rate!"

"They've been playing thinthe thixth grade, Di. You're not gonna make up that differenth with jutht a couple adventureth. And if I jutht let you win, it wouldn't mean anything—and it thertainly wouldn't help your teamwork!"

"She's not wrong, Di," Silver said with a sigh. "We could probably ask Apple Bloom, Sweetie or Scootaloo to play a couple games with us. That fight with the Smooze would've gone a lot better with Prism Chime to cover healing, or Posthaste to run interference."

"Princess-Knight Zirconia Diadem XVI interns for NO ONE." Diamond paused, then retrieved her character sheet from the floor. "...Well, she interned for no one, anyway. Sorry, Silver. I guess I got too caught up in the ‘princess’ part of my character and should’ve focused more on the ‘knight’ part.”

“That’s okay,” Silver replied, taking Diamond’s hand in her own. “We’ll make sure your next character is my cook or chamber maid—something that will let me boss you around!”

Diamond giggled, but then caught a glimpse of Silver’s player token—a small rectangle of cardboard in a plastic stand, emblazoned with a cute sketch of a wizard girl wielding a massive spoon-staff. During Diamond’s final struggle against the Smooze, Silver had evidently taken the time to draw tiny Xs over Argenta’s bespectacled eyes. “Oh, right,” she sighed. “ I guess we need to roll up new characters before the next game night, huh, Twist?"

"Naaah," Twist said, "Your characterth are fine. There'th like a billion wayth in the game to bring heroeth back from the great beyond. And thinthe getting totally and utterly defeated ith thill a valid experienthe, I'll even give you enough XP to get to Level 2! Not nearly ath much ath you'd have gotten if you'd beaten the Thmooze, but at leatht it'th not a total loth, right?"

Silver raised her free hand above her head in mock celebration. "Yaay, two levels down. Only six to go."

"Awww, don't dwell on the downthide, Thilvy! Thlow and theady is the Ogreth and Oublietteth way. Bethideth, thith meanth you're the perfect level for next week'th adventure: The Printheth Promenade!" With a flourish of her hands, Twist delivered the title in her GM Voice, the menace of it only slightly blunted by her characteristic lisp.

"Gee, sounds like a real nail-biter," said Silver, a genuine smile breaking through her own characteristic sarcasm. "Did we get enough gold from this adventure for me to buy Argenta some pretty dresses for the occasion?"

"Pretty dretheth... will be provided!”

Diamond winked at Twist. “As long as it doesn’t clash with Zirconia’s armor-kini. A Princess wouldn’t wear anything less!”

Silver’s nudged Diamond’s side with her elbow. “She’d probably be arrested if she tried.”

The three friends laughed, all thoughts of the grim ending of their misadventure disappearing in anticipation of the next one.

Author's Note

So a week or so ago, some anonymous hero at Derpibooru posted a colorized version of a monochrome sketch I did back in 2016 of Diamond Tiara in some good ol'-fashioned fantasy bikini armor:

https://derpibooru.org/2207330

...And as soon as I saw it, I was gripped by an overwhelming urge to turn it into an actual picture. Especially after I started considering how to fold Silver Spoon into the mix!

And once I had a rough sketch of these two in place, I was gripped by a similarly overwhelming urge to write almost 1800 words of backstory for the picture that was forming. Y'all know how it goes!

(Apologies for all that Twist Lisp; girl's gotta have it, though.)