Stop Me If You've Heard This One...
"A pony, a gryphon, and a dragon walk into a bar," Discord said, "It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke." The draconequus stood tall in the doorway of the Ponyville tavern. Rarity, Gallus, and Smolder stood outside the doorway, entreating entrance to the bar.
"You're the most basic of jokes," Maud Pie quipped from one of the tables inside. Her sister, Pinkie Pie, had a laugh beside her. Discord bristled for a moment but just rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Are we a joke to you?" Gallus asked.
"You must be joking if you think I'm going to let a couple of students in," Discord said. "Adults only."
"I'm old enough to drink in Draconia!" Smolder said.
"Spoiler alert," Discord said, "you're not in Draconia."
"Of all creatures, you're the last one I'd expect to be upholding the law," Gallus scoffed.
"I am as surprised as you, Gallus, I really am," Discord lamented. "But I'm afraid I've fallen into a debt to the owner of the establishment, and I'm paying it back thusly."
"I thought you didn't drink. Or that you couldn't. Or- you can't get drunk, so there was no point," Gallus said.
"And besides, can't you just snap your fingers and make yourself an entire horde of bits?" Smolder asked.
"Don't be crass!" Discord spat. "It's nothing so simple as mere money. This is a debt of favor. Ms. Punch did a kindness for me last Hearth's Warming that I thought I might never be able to repay. But she has seen it fit to ask me to mind the door this evening so that her usual employee might have the evening with his family. Which is exactly what you two should be doing!"
"We don't really do Hearth's Warming in Draconia," Smolder said.
"Or in Gryphonstone," Gallus added.
"Well you don't have to go home, but you can't come in here," Discord said with finality, shooing them away. The two students left, dejected. The adult unicorn walked forward as he waved her through. "And how are you this evening, Ms. Rarity?" he asked.
"Simply fabulous, darling!" Rarity said, walking past him towards the bar. She took a seat on one of the bar stools and waited patiently for the bartender to come by. She watched as the bartender, Berry Punch, moved back and forth behind the bar bringing drinks to the other ponies. Then she even served ponies that had come in after her.
"Um, excuse me?" she said, actively flagging Berry down. Berry Punch finally took a moment to notice the mare.
"Can I help you?" Berry asked.
"Yes," Rarity said. "I'd like one 'The Perfect Drink', please," she said. Berry just smirked and turned around, grabbing a fresh glass from the shelf. She set to work filling it and placing it in front of Rarity.
Rarity picked up the glass and drank some of it.
"This is just water," she said, pushing the glass away.
"Well that's all you're getting..." Berry said, pushing it back towards her, "Ocellus."
'Rarity' blushed and glanced back at the door. Discord either didn't hear her or didn't care.
"How did you know it was me?" Ocellus asked in her normal voice, even as she still wore Rarity's appearance.
Berry clicked her tongue, and tapped the side of her nose. “Earth pony magic.” Berry poured a drink for another patron.
"But I mean, how did you know it was me, but Discord didn't?" Ocellus asked. Berry served another pony and walked back over.
"Look, if you want to talk," Berry made a general motion at her appearance as Rarity with her hoof. "At least take- that off. It's disrespectful."
Ocellus blushed and returned to her true, changeling form. Her white fur was gone, but the blush of embarrassment she kept. The flash of green magic did not go unnoticed by the temporary bouncer.
"Hey!" Discord shouted, moving briskly across the floor to escort the changeling out of the tavern.
"It's alright," Berry said, waving him off. "I've got this."
Discord begrudgingly returned to his post at the door.
"Sheesh! Why is he so upset? I didn't think he would care that much," Ocellus said.
"He cares for exactly the same reason why you were able to get past him," Berry said. "Discord is a fool."
"Oh my gosh!" Ocellus balked, expecting an eavesdropping draconequus to turn the entire tavern into cheese.
"You misunderstand," Berry said. "I don't say that out of disrespect, or as an insult to his intelligence. When it comes to knowledge, I'm sure he has forgotten more than Celestia and Luna will ever learn combined. No. He's more like... the Court Jester of Equestria." Ocellus tilted her head to the side, not quite understanding the term.
"The court jester is a special position for a pony," Berry explained. "Normally, nopony is allowed to make fun of the princesses. But as a fool, the court jester can. It's important to keep the princesses humble. But it comes at a price. Because as a fool, everypony can make fun of the jester. So when the jester makes fun of the princess, they don't feel hurt, since any joke he makes about them, will come back to him ten fold. He could tease Celestia in one moment, and then take barbs from Maud, there, the next. And that's the secret." Berry leaned closer to Ocellus to whisper.
"Discord is a fool. The Fool. The greatest of all. He can fool absolutely anypony. But... the other side to that, is that he can also be fooled by anypony."
"Wow... really?" Ocellus asked. Berry Punch let out a fit of full-bellied laughter, no longer able to keep a straight face.
"Hahaha! I have no idea!" She wiped the tear of laughter from her eye. "I just knew you weren't Rarity!" Berry calmed herself. "Ms. Rarity doesn't order her drink like that. Actually, nopony ever comes in here and asks for 'one The Perfect Drink'! Especially not Ms. Rarity. Therefore..." Berry nudged the glass of water towards the youngling.
"But- you ignored me before I even ordered," Ocellus said. Berry talked as she continued to work.
"Rarity never sits at the bar. She always gets a table. That was the first red flag," Berry said. "So with that suspicion, I looked you over. You do a good impression. But you still got a few of the details wrong."
"Like what?" Ocellus asked.
"I am not going to help you impersonate one of my friends," Berry said. "Suffice to say I knew it wasn't her, and therefore, a changeling. You're not the first changeling to come through those doors. But you were the first one to come in disguise. The only reason you would need to be disguised would be if you were a minor. And as the only youngling in town, it narrowed it down to just one possibility."
"Huh. Are you like, a detective?"
"Maybe in a past life," Berry said. Ocellus regarded the glass in front of her and pushed it away.
"But I wanted The Perfect Drink."
"No. You wanted alcohol. And I hate to break your heart, kiddo, but you're only fifteen. And I'm not gonna be the one to give it to you. Therefore..." Berry nudged the glass of water toward the youngling again.
"So was Fluttershy!" Ocellus said. Berry stopped for a moment. But only for a moment before she continued working.
"Told you, did she?" Berry asked without looking at her.
"Yeah. She told me the story about when she was fifteen, new in Ponyville, and you invited her into your home and made her 'The Drink' for the first time. It was the first alcoholic beverage she'd ever had. And you make it for her every Hearth's Warming."
"Yes... that's true," Berry admitted with a nod.
"So you'll give her a drink at fifteen, but not me? That's not fair," Ocellus said. Berry snorted.
"Okay, first of all kid, lesson zero: Life isn't fair. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be. And secondly, I didn't just give Fluttershy a drink. I gave her what she needed."
"She needed a drink?"
"No. She needed companionship," Berry said. "It was winter and she was new in town, cold, scared and alone. She needed shelter, and the companionship of a friend. And yeah, also The Drink."
"But the drink-"
"The Drink is immaterial," Berry said. "It's just a symbol. What matters is the connection the symbol implies. For Fluttershy, it's a reminder of a time in her life when she was alone and afraid, but was able to rely on the kindness of a stranger and find friendship there; a virtue that she has taken to embody, herself, as the Element of Kindness. That's the real magic. For Rarity, The Drink, and what it represents, is something completely different. And I am positive that you would not like Rarity's drink."
"What's in it?" Ocellus asked.
Berry clicked her tongue, and tapped the side of her nose. “Earth pony magic.” Ocellus rolled her eyes at the coy bartender.
"Ms. Punch?" Discord said from behind Ocellus. She turned and looked at him. He pointed at the clock, before going back to the front door.
"Alright everypony," Berry said. "Last Call!" she yelled. Ocellus looked at the time.
"It's not even nine o'clock."
"Yes, but I close early on Hearth's Warming to go serve over at Princess Twilight's castle party," Berry explained. "Same as last year." Berry served the last few drinks and waited for everypony to finish and pay. "Alright everypony! You don't have to go home but you can't stay here!" Ocellus got up to leave but Berry put her hoof on hers. "Hold up a minute kiddo."
The rest of the patrons paid and tipped and filed out until only Ocellus remained. Just as the last one left, Fluttershy poked her head inside the tavern entrance and smiled at Discord. Discord smiled back and walked over to the bar to talk to Berry. His head was held slightly low, as though he was bowing a bit. His hands were clasped in front of him in humble obedience. It was a rare display of deference that Ocellus had never seen from him before.
"I'm, um..." He cleared his throat. "I'm ready now."
Berry knelt down behind her bar, and rose up with a dozen bottles clutched with one leg. She laid them out in front of her and set to work, pouring and mixing a little from each one in strange combinations. She had a strange tool in her hooves, and was using it to squeeze the juice out of a bundle of rare leaves. Then she added a pinch of lime, and dust from a Breezie’s wings. The mix in front of Berry abruptly fizzed. She smiled, mixed it with a special spoon, and then decanted it into a glass shaped a bit like a closed flower bulb. The liquid was orange, but where it touched its vessel, blue starburst patterns appeared on the inside of the glass.
Discord took the ornate glass and drank it. He didn't sip it, but neither did he throw it back like a shot. As soon as he finished, he placed it politely back on the bar and smiled.
"Thank you." He turned and walked over to Fluttershy in the doorway. She floated up off the ground. Until they were eye level. Until they were face to face. And he kissed her. With a snap of his fingers, the chairs in the bar flipped themselves upside down neatly onto the bar tables. He took Fluttershy's hoof in his elbow and walked with her to Twilight's party.
Ocellus had tried to follow what Berry Punch had been doing when she made The Drink for Discord, but the bottles' labels were illegible or missing altogether.
"What did you give him?" she asked.
"A reminder of exactly what he needed last year," Berry said.
"Which was?"
Berry clicked her tongue, and tapped the side of her nose. "That, is not your business." The mare worked to clean the rest of the bar-ware before she got ready to leave.
"What about me?" Ocellus asked. "What do I need?"
"I don't know," Berry said wistfully as she wiped down the rest of the bar. "What do you need?"
"A drink?" Ocellus asked. Berry just smiled again.
"You came in here wanting," Berry Punch said. "Wanting a drink. Alcohol. Yeah, I know that it's Hearth's Warming, and part of that is about getting gifts that you want. But part of it is also about being grateful about what you have." Berry put the last few glasses in the bar sink. "That's another life lesson for you: Never confuse what you want with what you need. You have your health. Food in your stomach. A roof over your head. Friends and family that love you. So what else do you need? What do you 'capital N' Need?" she asked.
Ocellus thought about it for a long minute, understanding at last the true meaning of gratitude. She chuckled.
"Nothing, I guess," Ocellus said.
Berry Punch grinned and nudged the glass of plain water towards the youngling one more time.
"Therefore..."
Ocellus drank The Drink.
~ It was perfect. ~
