The Jizz-Crusted Onesie Mystery

by AtomicClop

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Sugar Belle, Big Macintosh, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1682

Twilight learns she's the most popular sex toy in Equestrian history.

Twilight learns she's the most popular sex toy in Equestrian history.

Doesn't contain clop, but still very lewd.

From the comments:

This is *exactly* the correct amount of dumb to remain funny throughout. Good job.
— Ariamaki

We got to talking in the site Discord, and decided we would all make attempts at "Twilight finds a jizz-encrusted Twilight outfit."

SPOILERS IN COMMENTS! Don't scroll down!

Published 2019-12-08 15:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-12-08 15:20:01 UTC

Twilight's laundry day

Twilight hummed as she trotted through the streets of Ponyville, levitating her hamper of dirty clothes. Although her castle had a full laundry, although she could pay ponies to do her laundry for her, she often took her things to the Ponyville Laundromat as an excuse to get out of the castle and meet her citizens.

She passed Ponyville Hospital, and had to detour around a line clean out the door. She didn't understand why, but there seemed to be a baby-boom going on. Five times the usual number of mares were pregnant at present, and it bothered Twilight that she didn't know the reason. Well, she had assigned Rarity to make some discreet inquiries and report back.

"Big Mac, how are you?" she asked as Mac exited the laundromat, a huge basket of clean clothes balanced on his back.

"Eeeyup!" he said, holding out a rear hoof to prop the door open for Twilight.

Entering the laundromat, she tripped as something wrapped around her back hooves. Twilight sprawled and went down chest first, and her chin clacked against the floor, rattling her teeth. Her laundry hamper dropped and spilled.

"Ow!"

Berry Punch hustled over. "Princess! Princess, are you okay?"

Twilight shook her head. "Yeah. What, what did I trip on?"

Berry tilted her head. "Looks like a kigurumi."

"A what?"

"Ya know..."

Twilight looked. Something made of purple fabric was wrapped around her rear legs. "I don't know."

"Ya know... kigurumi..."

Twilight levitated it out from under her own ass.

It was the same color as Twilight.

It was a onesie.

A Twilight onesie.

Complete with wings, a floppy horn, and tail.

Twilight's exact tail, right down to the raspberry-colored stripe.

"It's a me-onesie."

"It's dirty," Berry Punch said. "Somepony must have dropped it on her way into the laundromat."

"Why do you say 'her' way in?" Twilight asked.

"Well..." Berry Punch shuffled her hooves and looked away.

"Why?" The alicorn's voice was getting colder.

"The crotch."

Twilight stared. "This onesie is crotchless."

"Well, Princess, what did you—"

"This me onesie is crotchless. And wet." She levitated it to just under her nose. "Wet with fresh vaginal secretions and semen."

"Princess... that's what they're for."

"Explain that very slowly."

"Princess... you walked past the hospital on your way here?"

Warily: "Yes."

"All the pregnant mares waiting for appointments?" Berry Punch asked.

Angrily: "Yes."

"This product hit the stores about five months ago. Do the math."

"Who has been in here today? I saw Big Mac."

"Your brother," Berry Punch said.

"This is pony jizz," Twilight said, sniffing the stain. "Yep. Pony mare, pony stallion. Not hippogriff, not griffons. I've cleaned the bathroom enough I definitely know what dragon jizz smells like. Who else?"

"Big Mac. The Cakes. Thunderlane with... hmmm... I never got her name."

"ANYPONY else?"

"One more. Rainbow D—"

Snap! Twilight teleported out.

Dash opened the door to her cloudominium. "Oh, hi Twilight! What's up?"

Twilight Levitated the jizz-soaked onesie right in front of Dash's nose. "Is this abomination yours?"

Dash used a hoof to straighten the fabric. "Nope. Not mine. I hate having my wings covered. Remember how much I bugged Rarity about it with that dress she made? Mine totally has wing holes. It's a nice twigurumi, though."

"Twigurumi?!?"

"For some non-pegasus mare, it would be nice. I don't know any pegasus mares who own one without wing holes."

"So you... you... you have one of these?"

"Twi, c'mon, everypony has one." Dash sniffed. "This one needs washed, though. Smells like the mare was in heat. I'm on birth control, because of my career, but a lot of mares are using these twigurumis to get—"

"Wait. Wait." Twilight held up a hoof. "You're on birth control? I didn't know you were dating somepony."

"Soarin'. We're not 'dating' so much as 'bang bud—'"

Twilight teleported out.

Applejack opened the door to the Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse. "Oh, hi Twilight. What can I help ya with?"

Twilight levitated up the twigurumi. "Whose is this?"

"Lemme see that. Wings, so ain't Fluttershy's. See the horn is just a soft sleeve? You can fit it over your horn? That means it belongs to a unicorn, not an earth pony or pegasus. Sugar Belle! Hey, sis, c'mer!"

Sugar Belle totted down the stairs. "Twilight! So nice to see you."

"Is. This. Yours?"

Sugar Belle levitated it up. "Nope. It's a size smaller than mine, I'm a 'large,' and I just hung mine in the closet anyway."

"You both have—wait, and why did you mention Fluttershy?"

Applejack blushed. "I gotta go check the south fields goodbye!" and bolted from the farmhouse.

Sugar Belle looked at Twilight's hooves.

"Mac and I... eh... Fluttershy often... joins our... Mac and Fluttershy and I... we all wear... well, Fluttershy and I..." She waved a hoof at the Twigurumi.

Twilight sighed. "Does literally everypony have one of these?"

Sugar Belle made eye contact again. "Well, you can't blame Granny Smith. At their age, she and Mister Waddle need all the help they can— "

Twilight teleported out.

Thunderlane opened the door to his cloud house.

"Princess! To what do I owe the honor?"

"Is this yours?!?"

He looked at the crusty twigurumi and then called over his shoulder, "Honey? Missing your Twilight kit?"

"Yes!" came a female voice from inside the house.

Gabby walked into view and used her talons to grab the twigurumi from Twilight's field.

"Nope, not mine. You see, on mine, the crotchless part goes up and frees the tail and exposes the butt, because Thunderlane— "

Twilight teleported out.

Pinkie opened the back door to Sugarcube Corner. "Oh, hi Twilight! Why do you have a Twigurumi? Are you selling them door to door? I could use a new one, mine is all stained with cheese."

Twilight clenched her eyes and sighed. "Pinkie. Please. I found this in the laundromat. I know that the Cakes were at the laundromat. Does... does Mrs. Cake... could I speak to her? Does she know where hers is? I'm assuming she has one..."

Pinkie's eyes got wide. "Uh, Twilight, well... you see... the twins are down for their nap—"

A feminine shout and a stallion's whinny echoed down the hallway from Sugarcube Corner's living quarters.

Pinkie thrashed her tail and broke eye contact with Twilight, looking over her head at the sky. "Mr. and Mrs. Cake know exactly where her Twilight outfit is right this second."

Twilight facehoofed. Around her hoof, she asked, "Where are these preposterous things coming from?"

"Why, Rarity—"

Twilight teleported out.

Rarity opened the door to the boutique. "Oh, Twilight, darling, you look a fright. What's wrong?"

Twilight levitated up the jizz-crusted twigurumi and rubbed the crusty part against Rarity's nose. "This! This is what's wrong!"

Rarity gagged, trotted two steps back, and then grabbed the twigurumi in her magic and shook it out. "A model six, size medium, unicorn mare: vaginal opening, wings, and horn sleeve. Twilight, darling, you would never fit in this, you're an alicorn. You're an extra-large and need a model seven, alicorn mare, the one with vaginal opening, wing holes, and the horn sleeve. Unless you want your anus exposed too....? That's model seven-A. Although I never envisioned you liking getting—"

"Rarity! Why are you selling sex outfits of me?"

Rarity blinked. "Because that's where the demand is, darling. I've sold over four thousand of these, just in Equestria. Hippogriffia, two thousand. Griffonstone, five hundred, Yakyakistan—"

"But... but... why me?"

"Why do you think Equestria is having such a baby boom, darling? Do you know how many I've sold of the other three princesses combined? None. Zero. Not even one. Even though I have patterns and raw material ready to go. I invested so much capital, for no return at all!"

"I give up," Twilight said, hanging her head, letting her wings droop. "I can't—I can't be mad anymore, if you've sold thousands of these. Can you tell me who this one belongs to, so I can at least return it to her?"

"They don't have serial numbers, darling, and even if they did, this is a sex toy! I could never break a customer's confidentiality—"

Twilight grabbed the twigurumi back and teleported out.

Twilight stomped into her library at the Castle of Friendship. The back of Spike's head poked above the back of a couch. "Spike, you would not believe the day I've had!"

She threw the twigurumi down and dropped to the floor, wrapping her wings over her head and her tail around her body. "I learned the most embarrassing thing..."

Spike's footsteps sounded against the crystal floor as he walked around the couch to his sister. "Twi, what's wrong?"

He sat down next to her and ran a hand down her spine.

"I... today... I learned that ponies..." she levitated up the Twigurumi and shook it.

"Oh!" Spike gasped. "That's Starlight's! I lost it at the laundromat, thanks for fetching it for me!"

Twilight surged up to about ten feet in altitude, her wings flapping angrily. "What? What? My own personal student has a sex outfit of me? Wait—wait. There was jizz on it. Who is she—who's the stallion?"

Sunburst trotted into the library from the other door, and levitated up another twigurumi from the couch, where Spike had been sitting.

"Spike, thanks a million for the help! I can't sew to save my life. I just wish Rarity would make the stallion holes sized for me, I had no idea my... eh, magic wand... would rip out all its seams."

Twilight screamed, and teleported out.

The next day, Rarity opened the door to her boutique again after Twilight knocked.

"Twilight? Are you calmed down? I have been working on my apology since you left—"

"Rarity," Twilight said. "I... a question. Princess Luna..."

Rarity blushed. "I cannot break a customer's trust by either confirming or denying."

"Luna already modeled her Twilight onesie for me. She and I have a date tonight. So..." Twilight levitated up a purse full of bits. "I want a Lunagurumi, right now."