Future Me is Terrible
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.
Princess Twilight Sparkle, first of her name, the Princess of Friendship and the Library Sciences, was engaged in one of her favorite pastimes: Reading. The lengthy tome on the book stand before her was massive, ancient, and filled with obscure knowledge and ancient magical secrets. Knowledge she was greedily absorbing like a gigantic sponge.
Time to herself was a rare commodity nowadays, with her growing responsibilities. It was a treasure, one she cherished like one would their child. Just getting to relax and enjoy herself, her worries pushed ahead to the next crisis. Here in her library, alone within her beautiful castle (save for her faithful assistant), she could be at peace. She turned the page with her magic, a little sigh of enjoyment leaving her lips.
Then… There was a bright flash of light, a burst of magic, and the push of rushing wind at her back. She jumped in fright, and spun around, her horn already glowing with incredible magical power. Her eyes widened at the tall, equine form that stood before her.
“Huh?!” Twilight Sparkle gasped, as she beheld another alicorn… Herself. She was taller, leggier, with long flowing hair and broad wings. She wore a golden crown and gauntlets, the Element of Magic glowing over her brow. Her cutie mark was hers-Perfectly exact to the last detail.
The other Twilight Sparkle was panting, her eyes bloodshot with bags under them. Her flowing mane, while ethereal, was quite disheveled. Her fur was unkempt.
“Twilight! I’m you, from the fushure!” The princess cried. “And I need your help!”
Twilight Sparkle, the present incarnation, trotted forward: Anxious and desperate to know what would have brought a future version of herself into the past… Again.
“What is it? What can I do?” She immediately asked. Her older self lean in closer, and pressed a hoof against her past self’s cheek. She took a deep breath.
“In order to save the future…” Future Twilight began. Present Twilight sucked in a deep breath, noticing a terrible rank odor from her future self.
“Yes?”
“We have to…” Future Twilight continued. Present Twilight’s eyes widened.
“Yes?!”
“Maaaaake ouuuuut,” Future Twilight slurred, her eyes crossing. She then burst into giggles, falling back on her plot as she wrapped her forelimbs around her belly. Present Twilight blinked, her jaw dropping.
“... Huh?” She managed.
“Yessss,” Future Twilight said. “We need to… For the futurrrre…!” She broke into giggles again, and Twilight finally identified the rank scent around her future self. Present Twilight gasped.
“You’re… You’re drunk!” She shouted. Future Twilight snickered.
“Incredibly so,” she replied. She shakily got to her hooves, and stumbled across the room to a nearby bookshelf. Present Twilight watched in disbelief.
“Then… There’s no emergency?”
“Jusht… A shexy emergency,” Future Twilight said, tripping over nothing and landing on her nose. She snorted out in laughter, getting back up onto her hooves. Present Twilight’s shock turned to anger.
“You time traveled… Drunk?! You have any idea how this might affect the timeline-?!”
“Sorry offisher buzz kill,” Future Twilight replied mockingly, her magic sweeping books off the shelves. This only infuriated the present Twilight further.
“HEY! You can’t just-What are you even-?!”
“Aha! There it ish,” Future Twilight said happily, telekinetically lifting a bottle of brandy out from behind a hidden nook. Present Twilight blinked.
“Wha-What was that doing there?! I didn’t put it there!” She cried. Future Twilight grinned, uncorking the bottle.
“Prinshesh Shelestia of course,” Future Twilight said happily. “She told me where she hides all her booooze.” She held out the bottle to her past self, waving it under her nose. The present Twilight grimaced, and glared at her future self. The older alicorn grinned, and shrugged.
“More for me!” Future Twilight said cheerfully, tipping the bottle upside down and noisily gulping it all down. Present Twilight shook her head in disbelief.
“I will never abuse my powers when I’m-How old are you?!” She demanded. Future Twilight finished the bottle, and burped a gout of flame. She then hummed, holding up her hooves to try and count. She then grinned.
“Four hundred and… Fifty-shix!” She said proudly. Present Twilight snorted.
“Well, I will never act like this when I’m four hundred and fifty six!” She declared. Future Twilight laughed, a strange mixture of glee and sadness in the sound. She reached out and patted her past self on the shoulder.
“Ohhh… Trusht me, you will,” Future Twilight said. “You totallllyyyy will. Now where’sh Big Macintosh? I wanna see if he’s… He’s really THAT big.” She broke down into giggles again. Present Twilight sighed, annoyed and blushing.
“Did you really just come here for booze and to traumatize me?” Present Twilight demanded. Future Twilight leered, leaning forward. Her nose touched her younger self’s, and she licked her lips lewdly. Present Twilight blushed.
“Jusht putting it out there… But… Ya wanna find out if it’s masturbation or inshest?” Future Twilight asked. Present Twilight gaped.
“I-Wha-What the-?!”
VWORP… VWORP… VWORP… VWORP…
A strange, creaking sound with strange electronic noises filled the air. A tall blue box with the words “POLICE BOX” printed on the top appeared. The doors on it opened, and an annoyed looking chestnut stallion with wild hair, a suit and tie, and an hourglass cutie mark emerged. The present Twilight gaped in astonishment, as her future self huffed. The stallion sighed and shook his head at the taller alicorn.
“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Nearly scared Mistmane half to death, appearing in her shower! And-Oh no,” Doctor Whooves sighed as he saw the younger Twilight, “she already got to you.”
“D-Doctor?!” Present Twilight gasped. “You-What are you doing here?! What’s that box?!”
“No Fun Police, right on time,” Future Twilight groaned. The Doctor trotted up to the taller alicorn’s side, and took a gentle hold of her.
“Come on, we do this every time,” he said. He glanced over at the present Twilight, and gave her a reassuring smile. “I’m sorry Twilight-Your older self is a bit of a hoof full, as you can see.”
“But you-” Present Twilight tried, pointing at him, the box, and her future self. The Doctor sighed.
“Okay, look, spoilers but I actually am a Time Pony-You’ll find out more later-and in the future I have to… Well, deal with your shenanigans.” He shook his head with a sigh, as he ignored the future Twilight trying to nibble on his neck. “Among other things. Come on Princess, time to go!”
“Jusht one little kish, pleashe?” Future Twilight begged. “You can even watch!” Her expression became sultry. “Orrr… Join in~?”
The Doctor actually blushed, and shook his head again. He pulled on the Future Twilight, but she stubbornly stayed put. “Come on! Into the TARDIS, come on!”
“Do you need help, Doc?” A familiar voice asked from within the softly glowing confines of the blue box. A tall, pink alicorn emerged, dressed in light blue armor with the Element of Laughter embedded in her crown. The Present Twilight’s eyes goggled.
“PINKIE PIE?!” She cried. The Doctor groaned, as the tall, pink alicorn grinned.
“Oh, hey Past Twilight!” She said cheerfully, waving a hoof. “Wow! You looked so small and cute like this! I’d forgotten!” The future Pinkie Pie framed Twilight between her hooves. “Aw, you fit!”
“You-You’re an alicorn!” Present Twilight gasped. Pinkie Pie grinned and nodded.
“Yupperooni! I’m the Princess of Partying! Also Foalbirth, can you believe it?”
“Pinkie!” The Doctor admonished, as he gave Future Twilight a shove. The purple alicorn snickered, shoving back playfully and knocking the Doctor onto his back. The pink alicorn looked over and sighed, shaking her head.
“Wow she is hammered this time. I thought it was bad when she dropped in on you last year… Which is next year. For you. Also for me,” Pinkie said. Present Twilight shook her head in disbelief.
“But-You’re an alicorn!” She cried again. Future Pinkie turned back to Present Twilight, as though remembering she was there. She grinned, sticking out her tongue while lightly clocking herself in the side of her head with her hoof.
“Oh yeah! See, eventually all the Elements ascend and join you as fellow rulers of Equestria! Then things are pretty great! Except for that Prank Civil War between AJ and Dash, that kind of got out of hoof. Then Spike and Rarity making their twelfth child set off that volcano that unleashed the Smooze. Then those ice penguins started trouble-”
“I-You-Stop it!” Present Twilight shouted. “Stop spoiling the future! You’ll create a time paradox!”
“Oh, silly Twilight!” Future Pinkie Pie giggled. “The future is always in motion!”
“That’s right,” the Doctor said, having finally gotten Future Twilight up onto her hooves and begun moving her into the TARDIS. “This is only a possible future, save for the fixed points in time. Due to quantum mechanics the wave functions are still in flux until the right decision trees are made and-”
Another pink pony bounced into the library through the double doors, a happy grin on her face. “Hey Twilight!” The present Pinkie Pie cried, “I need a book on Ancient Impala party traditions and-”
The present Pinkie Pie stopped and stared at her future self. The Party Princess stared back. The Doctor sighed.
“Bollocks,” he muttered.
The present Twilight gaped in horror, already expecting the universe to come crashing down around them. The Pinkie Pie of the present opened her mouth… And waved.
“Hi Future me!” She said cheerfully. The alicorn Pinkie Pie waved back, the same smile on her face.
“Hi past me!” Future Pinkie replied. “We’re just picking up my Twilight-She had a little too much to drink!”
“Oh, okay,” Past Pinkie Pie said. “Can you get my book for me?” Future Pinkie Pie grinned. She floated a book from a nearby shelf to her younger self.
“Sure! Hey, do you want to bake cupcakes later?” She asked. The present pink pony gasped in delight.
“How did you know?” She cried happily. Her future self giggled.
“I’m from the future, silly!”
“Oh yeah,” her past self said with a nod. “I’d love to! Want some, Twilight?”
“Yesh!” The future Twilight shouted. Her younger self was still speechless. Present Pinkie beamed.
“Okay! Later everypony!” Pinkie Pie cheered, as she bounced off. Present Twilight thought her jaw couldn’t get any lower, but somehow, it did. The Doctor sighed, giving the Future Pinkie a glare.
“I suppose you can flaunt temporal mechanics like everything else you flaunt,” he huffed. The alicorn stuck out her tongue.
“It’s a gift! Also, Future Twi is throwing up inside the TARDIS!”
“Wha-?” The Doctor looked into his blue box, and his eyes widened. “No! Princess, don’t you dare! Not on the bench, I have to get that back to Lyra!” He galloped into the blue box, as the sound of loud, violent and disgusting retching filled the air. “NOOOO!”
Future Pinkie giggled. She then turned to the horrified looking Twilight, and smiled compassionately. “You okay, Twilight?”
“I… What the buck just happened…?” The present Princess of Friendship whispered. Future Pinkie sighed, and wrapped a wing around her in a comforting way.
“Listen Twi… Do you want to avoid that being your future?” She asked. Present Twilight nodded violently.
“Yes. Tell me how. Please,” she begged. Future Pinkie Pie giggled again.
“It’s not that hard! You just need to learn how to… Relax!”
“Relax?” Twilight asked. “But-But I already do that!”
“Well now, yeah,” Future Pinkie said, “but fifty years from now you become super uptight. Like, completely celibate, no hard liquor, no loud music, no just friends spooning, no fried foods-No fun at all!” She waved her hoof dramatically, pulling Twilight tight against her. “Then, one hundred years ago my time, you snapped! Banging everything, and everyone! Drinking everything-And everyone! Smoking everything, and every-”
“I-I get it!” Present Twilight cried. She shook her head. “Which means I need to be even more controlled and-”
“NO! NO NO NO!” Pinkie Pie cried, grasping Twilight’s cheeks between her hooves. “NO! You need to learn how to loosen up! Get a stallionfriend! Get laid! Drink some wine and try kissing practice with a cute mare! PLAY SCRABBLE WITH ACRONYMS!”
Present Twilight blushed severely, but shook her head. “So… Give into the hedonism completely? I mean, I can do that.” She cast a spell, summoning any alcoholic beverages in the area. About two dozen bottles flew from the shelves, arranging themselves into a pile at Twilight’s hooves. Present Twilight blinked.
“Geez Princess Celestia has hidden a lot of alcohol around here,” she muttered. She reached for the one that looked like it had the highest alcohol content, but Future Pinkie Pie stopped her with a groan.
“No no no, not that either! What I mean is: Find some balance! I tried partying constantly for twenty years and let me tell you, that was a nightmare! You just need to not go overboard either way!” The pink alicorn hummed. “Though a little hedonism is okay now and then... “ She shook her head violently, her mane flowing like water. “Basically! You just have to find the balance that works for you! Don’t be too uptight and don’t be too loose! Just be like water, and flow.”
More loud sounds of retching could be heard from the TARDIS. Then the Doctor yelling.
“No! Get off there! Don’t touch that lever!”
Her future self yelled back mockingly.
“What, thish one?”
There was an explosion, and the TARDIS rocked gently. Present Twilight and Future Pinkie Pie stared. Present Twilight Sparkle nodded, grim determination on her face.
“I understand. Thank you Pinkie Pie. I’ll try my best,” she said. Future Pinkie Pie grinned, and kissed the top of Twilight’s head.
“Good! Flash Sentry will be walking through those doors in thirty seconds-Good luck! See you later!” She trotted off into the TARDIS, and the doors shut. The mysterious blue box began to fade out, that strange, loud mechanical noise again filling the air as the light atop of it flashed.
VWORP… VWORP… VWORP… VWORP…
The TARDIS vanished. The moment it was gone, a yellow pegasus Royal Guard with a blue mane entered. He stood at attention, saluting.
“Lieutenant Flash Sentry, reporting for duty as your bodyguard, Your Highness, I-” He paused as he saw all the bottles of alcohol laying around Twilight’s hooves. “Er, Princess, is something wrong?” He asked.
Twilight Sparkle stared for a few seconds. She then teleported away all but one bottle of alcohol. She smiled as she lifted it up with her magic.
“No. Please, come in Flash. Would you like to have a drink with me?” She asked. Flash looked uncertain.
“Er, well, are you sure Princess?”
Twilight nodded. “I am completely sure.”
Flash smiled. “If you wish, Your Highness.”
“Thank you,” Twilight said, her smile growing as she summoned two glasses. “And please, call me Twilight…”
As she sat down to enjoy the wine with her guard, she couldn’t help but wonder one thing:
Why hadn’t Spike come running at the sound of all this commotion?
Spike entered the carousel boutique, a letter in his right hand. He looked around the normally busy establishment, seeing nothing.
“Rarity? I got your message-What’s up?” He asked. The white unicorn emerged from the backroom, looking frazzled and haunted. She galloped up to Spike, and grasped his shoulders with her hooves.
“Spike?! Is-Is it you?! Is it really you?!”
Spike blushed hard, but managed to keep his wits about him. Rarity was in distress-He had to help.
“Yes! It’s me! I’m fine-Are you alright? What’s wrong?” He asked. Rarity hugged him tightly, crying.
“Oh thank all that is good and horsey! You’re-You’re still single, right?”
Spike blinked. “Ummm… Yes?”
“Not dating that griffin hussy?! Or Starlight? Or that dragon princess skank?!” Rarity demanded. Spike shook his head, his confusion increasing.
“No, and um, I don’t think she’d appreciate being called that-”
“Spike, how old are you? Are you age of majority in pony years?” Rarity cried. Spike blushed, and nodded.
“Yeah, I am, but-”
“Good enough for me!” Rarity cried. She seized him in her magic and dragged him off, heading upstairs. Spike blinked.
“Rarity, where are we going?” He asked.
“My bedroom. I’m not ending up some crazy, lonely catnag!” She cried. She led the confused Spike into her bedchambers, and violently shut the door. A moment passed, before a tall, while alicorn with a purple mane and the Element of Generosity emblazoned across her fashionable armor emerged from the backroom. She grinned.
“I really was gullible back then, wasn’t I?” Princess Rarity mused. She chuckled. “Oh well. Happier ending all around.”
Her horn flashed with magic, and she was gone.
Author's Note
That just... Sort of happened. Hope you enjoyed it though. Comment below!
