Zephyr Breeze: Smartest Stallion Alive

by Thought Prism

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Zephyr Breeze, Sex
Length: 10465

He's just as shocked about that fact as you are.

Ponies desire many things. Freedom. Happiness. Money. Fame. Love. Or all of the above. Usually they find something to be satisfied with, through hard work or a bit of serendipity. But a few find that destiny has a sense of humor. And not the good kind.

For those who have nothing and seek everything, well, that's when destiny breaks out the biggest jokes. Zephyr Breeze, meanwhile, has zero clue about any of this. That is, you'd best be careful what you wish for... because you just might get it.

Implemented very minor edits 2/3/20

Published 2019-12-28 16:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-12-28 16:30:01 UTC

NANI?

Today was going to be life-changing, I could feel it. If I wasn't currently taking a frankly exhausting flight, I'd be prancing for sure. Like, seriously, Griffonstone was so far away from everything, it was practically a world away. These days, everypony was totally always like 'Zephyr, you're the greatest, wow!', because I'm so multitalented. But fast flying wasn't one of them. That's part of why Dashie so impossibly stole her way into my heart, I think. And soon, there'd be no way she could continue to resist my smooth charms.

Soaring far above the narrow strip of earth which connected Equestria to the exotic lands beyond, I fought valiantly against the headwind, breathing hard and fast. It was way more fun to let the winds carry me off to wherever fate required my amazing presence. Normally, this would so not be worth the effort, but I had a deadline to meet. It was noted at the bottom of the flyer I'd found a few days back, and the opportunity it spelled out was simply too enticing to pass up. Below a small logo featuring two snappily-dressed unicorns, it read:

Do you wish you could be more than you are?
A paragon of perfection, a veritable superpony?
Then come try our brand-new Enhancement Pod!

Advanced technologies never-before-seen!

Will make you smarter, stronger, and more attractive!

Easy and safe process, guaranteed!

All for the limited-time, insanely low price of 499 bits!

At the bottom, it instructed anypony down to take up the offer to meet at a specific address in Griffonstone today. There was also a bunch of fine print, taking up like half the page, but when the text was so annoyingly small I wasn't going to bother. Still, who could possibly resist such a proposition? I sure couldn't. Oh, the possibilities! Mares falling at my feet, begging to be blessed by the Breeze's tender caress. Ponies would flock in droves to my mane-styling business; I'd easily make the rent. Or maybe I'd be showered with so many gifts I wouldn't even need to work another day in my life! It'll be such a great surprise for everypony when I come back a changed stallion. Unable to hold back a bout of laughter, the weight of my saddlebags almost seemed lighter.

Eventually, I reached Griffonstone, coated in unseemly sweat, and was instantly disappointed. Mom and Dad would probably call it 'quaint' or 'rustic', but really, it was a dump. The houses were all made of rocks and sticks, dirt and dust seemed to cover everything, and the inhabitants weren't much better. Traumatic flashbacks of that horrific night spent in the unforgiving wilderness flashed before my eyes, but I powered through. Scanning crumbling street signs for direction, I trotted past numerous griffons, most of whom seemed similar to Manehattan ponies, in that examples of friendliness were there, just few and far between. Some of the hens were easy on the eyes, to be sure, but beaks were hard and sharp. And no manes? Dealbreaker. Still, I was looking for unicorn stallions; the ladies could live without me for a few hours, surely.

When I finally spotted them, standing around in what passed for a public park, my excitement returned in force. The red-on-yellow twins stood by a pair of large, exotic, boxes of polished metal, like tanning beds but with pipes and tubes looping around the exterior. Both were open, revealing even more obtuse-looking parts and doohickeys alongside cheap pillows. There was one other pony present, a plain looking mare in work clothes - four out of ten - who was probably related, judging by her matching palette. I sidled up to them with grace and poise.

"—you emerge, you'll hardly believe the results! Why, I'd wager— oh!" One of the stallions cut himself off, turning from the mare to me as he noticed my arrival. "You must be another customer!" he exclaimed, reaching out with a hoof.

I shook it, beaming. "You would be correct, my good pony. Zephyr Breeze, soon to be the most eligible bachelor in all the land!"

Both stallions chuckled at that, the one shaking his hoof stepping back. "Well, I'm Flim, and that's Flam."

"Always happy to spy an eager face," added Flam. "And if you've got the bits, we can make that dream of yours a reality!" he proclaimed, waving dramatically.

Here, I shimmied some, nothing too fancy, to produce the sound of clattering coins from my withers. "Best purchasing decision I've ever made."

At this, the mare sighed in relief. "Good to know there's at least one other pony here, eh? I was worried this might be one of those unsavory scams my ma warned me about for a minute there."

Flim snorted at that, waving away her concerns. "Why, that's simply nonsense!"

"However could you doubt our rock-solid credentials?" finished Flam.

"Oh, I'm not," she clarified, scratching her chin with a hoof. "It's just that your Enhancement Pods are so strangely built I can't figure 'em out at all, and I know my machines."

"That must be because of all the rare materials we used, difficult to obtain in Equestria for... reasons," Flim explained.

Flam sighed despondently. "Tariffs, international hazardous material laws, you know how it is."

"Ah, well alright then," she said.

I'd barely heard what they were talking about, my mind otherwise occupied by a burning question. I looked back and forth between the three ponies, somewhat confused, my eyes narrowing. "Wait a minute. Girl, you aren't related to these two?"

The mare shook her head, then readjusted her collar. "Nope. I'm looking to take one of these fancy pods for a spin, same as you. I can see why you might think that, though, what with my coat 'n mane. Crazy odds, those. Name's Torque Wrench."

In hindsight, the adorable accent, which Flim and Flam didn't have, should have tipped me off. Shooting her my best smile, I dropped into a bow, tipping an imaginary hat. "Zephyr Breeze. A pleasure to meet you, milady."

Torque Wrench stared long and hard my way, the pinched lips of abject disgust somehow suiting her rather nicely. "I can see why you're here."

"Ouch!" I winced playfully. "Low blow, low blow. Hopefully in a few minutes you'll think differently," I added with a wink.

She shuddered, but I'm pretty sure it was a good shudder.

Time to keep up the pressure. "So, Torque, why did you come all this way to get enhanced, hmm?" I asked. "Wait, don't tell me, it's because you're unattractive, isn't it? Maybe you should've tried wiping some of that grease off your... everywhere, first," I added, tugging at a stained spot on her overalls.

At this, she shot me a positively smoldering glare, batting my hoof away. "I wanna be better appreciated. For my talents. Maybe make the leap from repairmare to engineer."

"That's cool, that's cool," I said, nodding. It really wasn't, but being mean never got anypony anywhere, right?

"Anyway, getting back to business" Flam began, his teeth shining in the sunlight, "let's not keep you waiting any longer, then!"

"It looks like nopony else is coming, unfortunately," said Flim, scanning this way and that. "But that's okay, it means you lucky ducks can take our machines for a spin right away!"

"Indeed!" Flam continued, patting one of the pods. "As soon as you hand over your bits, we'll get you nice and comfortable, ready to step into your better selves!"

"Well, alright then!" I exclaimed, tossing the stallion a sack full of money, which he deftly caught. "Rev this thing up, boys, I've got a date with destiny!"

In unison, Flim and Flam saluted, the latter stashing the bits under his hat with a flourish. "It's our pleasure, sir!"

As I doffed my bags and hopped into the closest pod, practically vibrating with anticipation, Torque Wrench sighed and pulled out her purse, counting out high-denomination bits one at a time before handing them to Flim in the most practical and boring manner imaginable. That mare just had no style, no pizzazz. Would've made more sense to me if she was here for that. Still, she got in the other pod all the same, forehooves resting at her sides as she stared upwards.

"Please keep your hooves inside the pod at all times while in use," instructed Flim. "Failing to do so could compromise the results or damage the hardware."

"Side effects of using the F&F Brand Enhancement Pod may include nausea, chills, soreness, fever, explosive diarrhea, or spontaneous organ failure. We don't know; they're untested," noted Flam.

"Do not drive, fly, or operate heavy machinery within two hours of the procedure. F&F Co, Inc. is not liable for any damage you may incur, and no refunds will be issued. Thank you most kindly for your patronage!"

Torque's eyes widened. "Wait, what was that before about organ failure?"

But neither salespony answered her question, and they instead opted to close the lids on their pods. I watched the steel hatch snap shut around me with a hiss of air. Though I was slightly claustrophobic, I knew it would be worth everything in the end. Shutting my eyes, I held still and waited for the pod to activate, and I didn't have to wait long. A faint whirring noise reached my ears, followed by a click and a series of beeps. Then, I could feel the air inside the pod shift in some strange way with my pegasus magic, and a tingling sensation seeped through my coat and under my skin. It was working!

Giddy to experience the new and improved Zephyr Breeze, I didn't struggle as the foreign magic filled me completely, and my consciousness slowly faded away into a dreamless sleep.

A sudden, painful jolt to my shoulder snapped me back into reluctant wakefulness. Apart from the pain, my muscles were heavy with lethargy as if I'd been resting for half the day, which was nothing new. Unable to muster the energy to move, I mumbled a reply automatically. "Mmm, five more minutes, Mom..."

However, my body refused to go back to sleep, and in moments my recent memories returned. When they did, my eyes shot open. The Enhancement Pod must've done its thing! Time to check out the new me!

Once I'd adjusted to the light, it became immediately clear that something was off. The view through the small window was no longer that of the sky, but a white ceiling. Moreover, the lid of the pod had been badly dented by his head, the seals on the side breaking to allow in yet more light. It did not open, nor did anypony seem to be trying to open it. "Okay, what gives?"

Mustering what little leverage I could in such a tiny space, I managed to bash the hatch open with my elbow after a few painful attempts. Panting, I flopped over the edge, preparing to complain the feathers off of everycreature within hearing distance. However, there was only one other being present: a griffon, with grey fur and tan feathers, not very well groomed for a chick - three out of ten. She stared at me like a deer in magelights, totally confused. Below me, a weird-looking, polished pony mannequin with eyes lay sprawled next to the dent in the pod, sparks coming off of it for some reason.

Then I put two and two together. The crazy griffon had smashed the pod open with that thing! Flim or Flam should've been here, but instead, they weren't present at all. Neither was the other pod containing Torque Wrench. I wasn't even in the park anymore.

Instead, I seemed to be inside this griffon's house, though it was unlike any living space I'd ever seen. The floor seemed to be a solid sheet of dull orange plastic, along with the walls. There was one window, seamlessly flush with the wall and barely different from open space, as well as a set of chairs that looked more like big, cushiony mushrooms than anything else. A brightly colored movie screen continued to play a cartoon on the opposite side of the room.

As I took this all in, the griffon just stared at me, her expression unchanged as she finally spoke. "Why was there a pony in my table?"

It took me a second to process exactly what she'd said, and when I did, I returned her stare. Was... was she serious? "In what world is that a table?" I replied, making my bafflement as clear as possible. Gesturing to the remains of the pod, I added "It doesn't even have legs!"

At this, the griffon cocked her head. "Only animals have legs, duh."

For once, I had no words. What was I supposed to say to something that stupid? Unable to answer this question for myself, I switched automatically to my default M.O.: flirt away the problem. "If you say so, sweet cheeks." Lowering my voice seductively, I continued, closing the distance to the hen and wrapping a wing around her withers. "How's about I buy you a drink, and you can tell me all about it?"

She did not react beyond stating "I'm not thirsty."

It took all my willpower not to flinch away from her in horror. What was happening here? Was there something wrong with me? No mare had ever reacted this way to my advances. Even kids these days knew what that was about! How could anycreature possibly be this dense? And suddenly, in a flash, I remembered the whole thing with the pod, again. What it was supposed to do. But instead, what if...

Heart racing, I grabbed the clueless, placid griffon by her shoulders. "Mirror. I need a mirror!"

"What's a mirror?"

I sputtered incoherently, well and truly stunned. Then, a calming, androgynous voice sounded from the toppled mannequin. "Most griffons think mirrors are other griffons and hurt themselves. So griffons cannot have mirrors."

"Oh," smiled the hen. "I'm happy I don't have one, then."

Meanwhile, I stared at the metallic mannequin, stupefied. Was it actually... a robot? But, those only existed in stories! They were all pew-pew and zap-zap, at least in the ones I read, all of which took place in outer space. Imaginary fun. Not lying broken on the floor of some chick's weird house, in dumpy Griffonstone, no less! Something had gone horribly wrong. Something beyond the pod making me ugly, thank Celestia.

But the more I tried processing all this, the less anything made sense. Robots, adults dumber than foals... I needed air! I needed to see. Galloping to the closest feature in sight that looked even remotely similar to a door, I slammed my hooves against it, and it slid upwards into the wall with a whoosh. Stumbling outside, I muttered. "Please be normal, please be normal, please be..." I trailed off, the sight before me shutting down everything as my jaw hung open.

Griffonstone, if this even was still Griffonstone, had changed. Drastically. More than even the most radical of haircuts. The rocks and dirt were all gone, replaced by winding terraces of asphalt and steel, each level more dizzying than the last. So too were the buildings new, domes of various sizes in bright, clashing colors. Some bore huge signs with some sort of strange, abbreviated language, most words spelled with two or three letters. Trampolines floated around by magic, patrolling the streets for some reason, and rings of green light hung suspended in the sky, forming paths. Griffons lackadaisically flew through them with the bare minimum of technique or focus.

I had no words. Making a concerted effort not to follow the old Shy family mainstay of cowering in fright behind a nearby object until the problem went away, I instead began galloping again, searching the street frantically for passersby. There had to be someone who could help make sense of all this, like a princess! No, wait, griffons didn't have those. Horseapples!

Spying a wrinkled old griffon on a walk, I dashed into his path, probably looking more like a frantic madpony from the loony bin than a suave operator, but at this point I couldn't care less. "Hey, I need your help! I need to speak to y-your king, or mayor, or whatever authority figure it is that you have!"

The griffon stared, unsure what to make of my panic or my pleas. "What's a mayor?"

"Gah!" Leaving the old coot in the dust, I redoubled my pace, increasingly desperate. Soon, I found a third griffon, this one accompanied by another, non-broken pony robot that kept by her side as she moved, light coming from under its joints. I threw myself down in front of her path. "Girl, can you point me towards someplace that sells newspapers? Or, like, a school? A library? Anywhere I might find a smart griffon!?" I pleaded.

She blinked, owlishly. Which would have been expected, but she was half falcon. "What's a newspaper?"

I wailed in pure frustration. Heedless of my plight, the robot began to answer the griffon's question. "A newspaper was an old way to—"

Wait, that's it! They answer direct questions! "You, robot pony thing! Where am I?" I demanded, cutting off its current sentence.

"You are in Griffonstone," it answered, in that same, calm voice as the other one. "You seem upset."

"I am upset!" I shouted. "Nothing makes sense! I was just in Griffonstone five minutes ago, and this is totally not Griffonstone!" At least, not the one I knew. Maybe they just reused the name? No, that would just be even more confusing, I thought.

And then, as I scowled at both the idiotic griffon and the robot, the former not even realizing she could just walk around me, an explanation took shape in the back of my mind, as the dots connected. The creatures acted strange. I was in the same place, yet it looked vastly different. There were robots. All of that, together, pointed to one conclusion.

I was in the future. The far future.

Knowing did not make my anxiety go away. Just the opposite. I knelt before the robot, hoping that I was wrong, that I was just as stupid as these griffons, and that I would be able to go home and eat Mom's cookies and laugh about this whole thing. "W-What year is it?" I asked.

"One thousand thirty six After Twilight," the machine replied. "If the numbers are too big, I can show you a picture."

I could feel the blood drain from my face. Twilight's second coronation had been less than a moon ago for me. And now a thousand years had passed!? Everything was gone. My stuff, my family, my friends - if I'd had any - even sweet, juicy Rainbow Dash, just ashes in the wind. I was alone, surrounded by idiots. And not even the bimbo-y kind.

As tears ran down my cheeks, I sniffled. What had I done to deserve this? This was a cruel fate, for only the most vile, heinous villains. What would I even do now? Where could I go?

Hold on, could I actually go back? Find, like, a time machine? Or a time spell? Twilight Sparkle would probably know, but— oh, duh! The princesses! They're probably still around, being divine-ish. I just needed to find Twilight, and then she'd fix everything!

With the fire of hope sparking in my breast, I stood tall once more, wiping my tears away. The griffon hen had been distracted by a large squirrel, but the robot hadn't moved from its spot, only turning its head to watch her. My goal determined, if not my course, I spoke. "Robot, where can I find Princess Twilight?"

A moment later, the robot's forehead flashed, as if casting a spell on me, and then there was a semi-transparent, illusory map floating in front of my face, featuring a large star at the top. "Princess Twilight Sparkle is there. Please follow the green line."

Well, that was convenient. Things were looking up! Including me, as I set my sights skyward, spreading my wings. "Thanks, you ol' bucket of bolts! I am outa here!"

The path that had been laid out in front of my vision, tracing back into Equestria, was a lengthy one. I only occasionally stopped to rest, grazing on patches of meadowgrass, because it was free, and quick. I wanted out of this crazy future right now, and unfortunately taking naps would not get me any closer. Ignoring sore muscles, I soared over other towns and cities along the way, first griffon-populated, then pony. Each was more unusual and terrifying than the last. And much to my dismay, all the ponies I talked to seemed just as dumb as the griffons had been. I didn't know why, and didn't want to ask, about that or anything else.

Still, I pressed on, more determined than I'd ever been to not give up. After an eternity of struggle, I was within spitting distance of the star that marked the Princess' residence. Not Canterlot, or even Ponyville, either of which would have been expected, but Manehattan. That's what the magic map said, at least. There were definitely enough towers, far more massive than any building had a right to be. Spires of silver and glass, rising past the clouds. Some square, others round, many taking up whole city blocks. Advertisements flashed on every available surface like cloud ivy on a cottage, and wheel-less carts pulled themselves, carrying goods to and fro.

Weaving through the air, and somehow also phasing in and out of the skyscraper's walls like ghosts, were green tubes, much like the rings in Griffonstone. However, these tubes moved, changing layout as I watched into a confusing web of pathways. A pony on the street walked under the exit of one, a map like mine in front of his face, before being sucked inside like a vacuum, the tube shifting direction to carry the stallion right to his destination. Even all the pegasi were using them, and not a single bird hung in the air outside of one.

Did they look useful? Yes. Would I use them constantly if we had them in Cloudsdale to avoid getting a windswept mane? Yes. Were they an affront to the most fundamental freedom of being a pegasus, one my peers would never have accepted? Yes. Shuddering, I tried my best to tune out the centuries-advanced version of the glamour capitol of ponykind on all sides, and simply follow the path. Just in case I saw something else that might tempt me to stay. This breeze did not blow quite so far out.

When I reached Twilight's place, I didn't need the map to tell me so. It was on the island's coast, painted a bright magenta, as well as the only building of a reasonable height I'd seen so far, only two stories. Above the large double door was a single word, LAB, and a picture of a familiar star-and-sparkles cutie mark. Yeah, this was the place, the home of my ticket to sanity.

The door rose at my touch, and an alarm chimed from deeper inside. I was in a small, featureless foyer, with nothing but lights and some kind of hovering loading platform. Before I could venture deeper in search of Twilight, the sound of hoofsteps echoed in from around the corner. Soon, their luscious source appeared before me.

"Woah," I uttered. The mare, as expected, was unfamiliar, and yet unmistakably who I'd been searching for. She'd filled out in all the best ways over the years. Taller than Celestia, with sharp cheekbones, legs for days, and a curvaceous rear. Not to mention the huge wings and shining, dancing mane. Easily one of the top five sexiest mares I'd ever seen, no question.

She approached with lengthy strides, her stiffly pressed lab coat rustling as she moved. The Princess' eyes were full of confusion. "Huh. That's weird. I think somepony's schedule must've glitched. We never get our shipment this early." Then, she spun around, yelling. "Hey, Cadance, the groceries are here!"

Finally, I snapped out of my smokiness-induced stupor, remembering why I was here. "Uh, I don't have any groceries, Princess. Don't you recognize me? I'm not supposed to be here, and I really need a magic touch, pronto!"

"By Velvet," Twilight eventually whispered, making me uncomfortable with the intensity of her gaze. "Multiple sentences..." she trailed off.

"I don't know who that is. It's me, Zephyr Breeze!" I added, lifting a wing to show my mark. "You know, Fluttershy's brother? I'm positive we've met a few times; how could you forget? I tend to make an impact. Anyway, there was this machine these unicorns made, and they said it would make me cooler, but instead it put me to sleep for a thousand years! I gotta get back to the past!"

Twilight did not reply. Instead, she stared down at me in the same dumbstruck manner as I had that first griffon. After a moment, I waved an arm in front of her face, but she did not respond at all. This lasted for nearly a full minute before her horn blazed with energy. With a pop, four other ponies poofed into the room next to her, teleported in.

The first three were easy to recognize as the other three alicorn monarchs. Er, former, in some cases. None of them wore regalia. There was Luna, a pillow clutched in her forelegs as she snored softly on the floor, looking rather adorable when sleeping. Cadance nearly tripped at the sudden interruption from whatever she'd been doing, brows rising in confusion at Twilight. Her mane was all wavy now, too. Celestia, meanwhile, was cuddling with the fourth pony in a lounging position, both of them falling to their rumps without a seat. "What is it this time, Twilight?" Celestia asked with a huff, once they'd risen.

"We were rewatching the seventh Daring Do reboot! It was just getting to the good part!" the last pony exclaimed. She was also an alicorn mare, blue spirals literally whirling through her purple mane in a hypnotizing manner. Not as hypnotizing as those flanks, though, or her lengthy, lengthy wings.

However, all Twilight could do was point at me with a hoof, mouth opening and closing like a fish.

"Oh, hey, you called in the royal reception," I noted aloud, once more glad to be the center of attention. "Nice, very nice. I totally deserve it." Then, I took a deep breath. "Can you zap me back in time now!?"

"That stallion is speaking above a third grade level," Celestia said, awed. "How is that stallion speaking above a third grade level?" Then, she shot a disapproving glare at Twilight. "You didn't experiment on him, did you?"

As Celestia was talking, my yelling had roused Luna from her slumber, her baggy eyes briefly opening as she mumbled from her spot. "'s too early. Put me back, Twi."

"I think you need to see this, Luna," Cadance said, joining Twilight in ogling me with surprise. It was almost surreal. "I'm not hearing things, am I, Flurry Heart?"

"No, I heard him talking properly, too, mom," she spoke, barely above a whisper. Now I was floored myself. She was Flurry Heart? Wow. I might need to expand my wish list again.

I let out a wolf-whistle. "Dang. And here I was thinking bookhorse over there grew up nicely. Maybe the future isn't that bad after all..."

"Excuse me?" Cadance and Celestia both objected in unison. "Uncommonly smart or not, nopony treats my daughter that way," Cadance added, threateningly, her shock replaced with unjust contempt towards my debonair actions.

"Or my wife," said Celestia, the fury of a thousand suns blazing behind her eyes.

Wife? I gulped, shrinking away. "Uh, hehe, my bad. You two make a great couple!" I insisted, totally impressed with Celestia's work for once, with a catch like that. "Won't happen again. Well, probably. If she does her job," I said, gesturing at Twilight.

Here, Princess Twilight finally regained her brain function, un-ruffling her wings as she probed me here and there with her aura. "I can't believe it. It's really you, Zephyr. You went missing ages ago. The guard was called in to search, but nopony ever found you. Everyone assumed you'd gotten yourself killed in some asinine fashion."

"That's not right," I protested. "If I was going to get myself killed, it would have been in a fantastic fashion, thank you very much."

Flurry Heart let out a giggle. "What do ya know, real or not, he's actually kinda funny. In a dorky way, but still. Never thought I'd see the day."

"Don't get used to it, hot stuff, 'cause I'm not staying," I insisted. "Not in this wacked-out year, no ma'am."

"What did I just say?" growled Cadance.

"Just who is this... ill-mannered colt, exactly?" asked Celestia as diplomatically as she could manage, sticking protectively close to Flurry's side. "'Zephyr', you said?"

"Oh, right, you weren't in the room yet. This is Zephyr Breeze, Fluttershy's older brother!" Twilight exclaimed. "I don't know all the details, but he just got here, somehow. To think, that a pony from the greatest era would find their way to my side again..."

"Fluttershy had a brother? How come nopony ever mentioned that to me?" Flurry Heart asked.

"Because he wasn't worth mentioning," Twilight deadpanned.

"Uh, rude," I said. "How could you fail to regale her with not a single tale of the greatest mane stylist in all of Cloudsdale?" I posed, flipping my mane for emphasis. "I'm sure ponies are missing me as we speak, so shut your pie hole and get with the time spell already!"

However, Twilight did not do that. Instead, she cringed, pursing her lips. "I'm sorry, Zephyr, but I don't think I can. It's not because we were never the... best of friends, or anything like that. Messing with the past at all, regardless of intent, has disastrous consequences. Even if I could send you back that far, I wouldn't. Your presence a thousand years ago would ripple outwards, creating a chain of events which would most certainly lead to this future not existing at all!"

Oh, was that how that worked? I sat down, crossing my hooves. That was a stupid reason not to help me, and I would not be denied. "In that case, why do you even like this future? Present? Whatever. Pegasi don't fly anymore, and everypony outside this room is dumber than a sack of rocks! How did that even happen?"

"You're one to talk," muttered Cadance, still upset for some reason.

Twilight, sighed, cheeks flushed with either sadness or embarrassment. "Funny you should ask that..."

"To put it bluntly, Luna and I were right about Twilight being more than capable of leading Equestria, and by extension all the nations she befriended," Celestia explained, back to her typical serene state. "The problem was, we realized too late that she was too good at her job."

Flurry Heart nodded, her wing draped around Celestia as she reminisced. "I grew up watching it all happen. Working diligently, Twilight managed to achieve world peace. All the wild monsters of the world were tamed. Creatures never went hungry, and she pioneered all kinds of breakthroughs in medicine with science and magic to end sickness. Artificial Assistants - robots - were invented to do boring, tedious chores. Ponies were free to just be happy."

Before I could ask how any of that was bad, or even relevant to my question, Celestia shook her head. "Are you familiar with natural selection, Zephyr?"

I wracked my brain for a bit before coming up dry. "No clue. Fluttershy would probably know, that sounds like her forte," I said, somewhat melancholy. I never thought I'd miss her as much as I did now, tendency to nag and all.

"It's the process by which a species evolves, adapting to its environment. Ponies included. Some, like your sister, tried to circumvent it, but typically, the harsh pressures of survival in a hostile world ensured only the best lived to reproduce and pass on their traits to the next generation. 'Survival of the fittest', some called it. However," Celestia continued, "dear Twilight had successfully removed essentially all of those pressures on ponykind. Which meant the traits which flourished were those that simply led to the most foals. IE: a lack of foresight."

"Ponies too stupid to use protection or plan ahead when they got frisky, basically," Flurry clarifed.

"Over the centuries, the intelligence of the average pony steadily declined, bringing it down to the level you observed, Zephyr," Celestia finished.

Twilight took a deep breath. "When I caught wind that many ponies were not only illiterate, but had no vested interest in learning much of anything at all, about friendship or otherwise, I kind of... freaked out and quit in shame. Stepped down as regent, and let my comprehensive systems run themselves."

I didn't really get the science mumbo-jumbo, but basically, they were saying ponies were just as happy here as they were stupid. I put on my best scowl, barely holding back more tears. "Great. Just great. So I'm stuck here. And I'll never see my family again."

Hearing this, Twilight trotted closer to me, exuding sympathy. "I won't turn my back on a pony in need, no matter how annoying. The grieving process can be difficult, but I'm here for you, every step of the way."

"Us too," confirmed Flurry Heart. "We have loads of practice. Also antidepressants."

"Tabling that for now, since he seems alright at present, should I alert the housing allocator?" posed Celestia. "He's going to need a place to live, not to mention help integrating."

"Send him to Spike," suggested Cadance. "If not him, maybe Ember or Smolder can find Zephyr something productive and ideally grueling to do."

"Hmm, those are both good points." Twilight scratched her chin with a wing. "It would be unfair to force Zephyr to interact with nothing but idiots for the rest of his life. But at the same time, Spike is busy as acting Dragonlord, and the dragonlands don't really have the proper amenities for ponies. Assuming everypony else is fine with it, how about we let him stay here with us?" She turned fully to the other alicorns, waiting.

“He’s a womareniser,” Cadance said, glaring with disdain. “A reminder of a gross minority long since destroyed. He can stay, but I won’t like it.” Locking eyes with mine, she added “Be grateful I’m so selfless, to take pity on the sad and lonely.”

Wishing to avoid being encased in crystal, I kept my mouth shut, just to play it safe. After all, I just had my wish to have gorgeous mares fawning over me granted, and look how that turned out.

"I have no complaints, if Flurry doesn't," said Celestia. "Having Zephyr Breeze around will make for a refreshing change of pace. How about you, honey?"

"Again, I think he's funny," noted Flurry Heart. "Kinda reminds me of dad, only less noble. And in worse shape."

"Hey!" All my objection did, though, was prompt her to chuckle again.

"Oh, I don't know about that. He doesn't look half bad to me. Not to mention he's somepony new to talk to!" That was Luna, who I'd totally forgotten about. She was fully awake now, sans pillow, and had probably been listening silently throughout this whole conversation. Though her eyes were still slightly lidded. "I want him to stay, of this I am certain."

"Ah, good! It looks like we're settled." Twilight smiled softly. "Zephyr, welcome to your new home."

"I, well, thank you Twilight," I said, still processing everything, or trying to. Everything was still crazy, just a different kind.

"I'm going to start on lunch. For six," Cadance said after a brief silence, her tone clipped as she immediately retreated further back into the live-in lab. Or was it a house with science equipment?

Twilight watched her go, a little disappointed, before facing me again. "Don't worry, we have fun here," she insisted. "Occasionally we'll go out to avert some unpredicted crisis or other, but we mostly just chill, as an old friend of ours would say. In my case, that involves plenty of experiments!"

"Indeed. Experimentation can be fun," said Luna, voice low. At the moment, she was walking straight towards me, swaying her hips. I blinked, hard. "It must be so troubling, being thrust into an era so far removed from your own," she continued. "I've been there, and I'd be more than happy to comfort you." Reaching me, she flicked her starry tail across my muzzle. She smelled like lavender.

Sweet balls of fire, Luna was coming onto me. Talk about mood whiplash. "Uhh…" I managed.

Luna giggled melodiously, circling me like a lioness with a grin to match. "Oh, aren't you precious. Why, I could just gobble you up. And I'm very hungry; it's been longer than the average lifetime since I've brought a stallion into my bed."

I could feel sweat beading down my face. This had never happened to me before. I've always assumed aggressive mares were a myth! The others were equally disbelieving, and Flurry Heart actually gagged.

"Good thing Cadance left," Celestia quipped.

"Mmm, how I've missed the repartee, the delectable tango of the night," Luna continued, licking her lips. "Even stallions' dreams are so dull, now. But you, my little charmer, are different. Exactly what I've been craving. The things I'd do to you..."

This set my imagination spinning. I could picture it clearly. Luna would drag me into her candlelit bedroom, wearing lacy delicates. After I peeled them off, she'd get really into it, start grinding against me. Hard and fast, jumping on top of me with that huge plot of hers. That huge, muscular, too-eager, alicorn-tier-earth-magic-strong plot, liable to pop every skinny, fragile bone in my body except the correct one. "PASS," I uttered.

Luna froze. "Pass? What do you mean, pass? Zephyr, you were playing the part of a most thirsty stallion not a minute ago!"

I shrunk from her gaze, my normal bravado withering. "I mean, yes, but I wasn't really going for death by snu-snu."

Celestia let out an unladylike snort of supreme amusement. Flurry was speechless.

Stepping backwards, aghast, Luna sputtered. "I-I can be gentle! Sure, I've never been known for my restraint, per say, but if I visited you while you slept, it would be perfectly safe!"

Before the possibilities of such an encounter could take shape in my head, Twilight leveled a stern, almost motherly frown at Luna. "We've had this discussion many times over the decades, Luna. Consent loses its meaning when you have nigh-omnipotent control over reality and your partner may not even be lucid."

More sputtering emerged from Luna, followed by a needy pout. "But he's cute and I want him."

"Maybe he'll be open to the idea later, once you've calmed down some," Twilight said.

My head still spinning, I managed a nod Luna's way. "Like, at least let me mourn first." Was this how it felt to be another pony in my presence? All uncomfortable and concerning? Maybe that's why I never see any action. Nah, couldn't be. Well, now I'd never know. I'd never know.

"I think you might've broken him, Luna," said Flurry. "His eyes are all vacant, now."

"Well, there's nothing some new friends can't fix!" declared Twilight. "Also Cadance's cooking, to a lesser extent."

"How about we show you around first, Zephyr?" asked Celestia. "To help get you settled in."

Flurry Heart's eyes unfocused in thought. "It'd be easy to convert that old test chamber into a bedroom; it's already empty. I'm pretty sure the radiation has mostly dissipated at this point, right Twilight?"

Eyes lighting up, Twilight beamed. "Glad to see my favorite couple on top of things! You get started on the tour, I'll go transmute up some furniture." With that, she vanished in a flash of pink light.

This left me, Luna, Celestia, and Flurry Heart standing around in the entryway, the silence extending into my own head. It was dizzying. Luna had been the last straw, and my train of thought collapsed like a house of cards. (Metaphors were hard.) Mom, Dad, Fluttershy, Rainbow, they were all dead, long dead. Once-princess Luna was determined to have passionate sex with me. And I had been thrown into a maddening future full of contradictory ponies and technology that managed to be awe-inspiring one way or the other. Elation, sorrow, pure shock. These three titanic bombshells had scrambled me utterly, such that I couldn't focus on anything. I saw without seeing, heard without hearing.

So, when the alicorns began to trot off, I followed without thinking about it, unable to even relish being behind them as they moved. Luna kept her eyes off me, out of shame or self-control, as Celestia and Flurry ushered me from room to room, pointing out anything of note. My subconscious absorbed the information hungrily, even as the rest of me was picking up the pieces. The lab had most everything a pony could need, but also things which defied description. A comfy living room with plush sofas facing another of those screens bordered a vast storeroom stuffed with all manner of transparent boxes, filled with arcane doodads and scientific gizmos. There was a padded gym with alien exercise machines, self-cleaning bathrooms with sleek fixtures, and an old-fashioned (by my time's standards, even) library with a mechanized massage table. I was shown upstairs - though we took an elevator - where all four bedrooms were. They barely let me glance inside, not that I was in the mindset to try anything.

The smell of unknown, warm spices snapped me out of my stupor. We were in the kitchen, now. At least, I figured it was a kitchen, what with the table and everything. Most of the appliances were radically different from what I was used to. Cadance busied herself flipping vegetables around in a large pan with practiced ease, producing a tantalizing sizzle even without any flames from the stovetop below it, somehow. She glanced briefly to us at the sound of our hooves on the tile. "Almost ready, girls. And Zephyr."

"Good timing, then," noted Twilight.

As Cadance finished cooking and set the table, the others took their seats swiftly, probably some long-established arrangement. I joined them at the one open spot, my head barely clearing the edge once I'd settled into the cushion. Because, well, everything was princess sized. Flurry Heart snorted in amusement at my expense when she noticed, but I graciously let it slide. There were more important things to deal with. Namely, the steaming plate placed in front of me, which held some strange pasta stir-fry in a ugly brown sauce.

When they began to eat, I hesitated, unsure exactly what it would taste like. Still, it smelled great, and I was ravenous, so I took a bite. An explosion of flavor hit my tongue immediately, and I almost moaned. After chewing, I stared at Cadance, genuinely impressed. "You seriously made this? It's delicious!" I uttered, already back to digging in.

"Thank you," she replied, curtly.

"In-home food printers can't produce anything nearly this tasty," Twilight said, also devouring her substantial portion. "And the rest of us are terrible cooks compared to Cadance."

"Hey, I can make pancakes! And regular cakes!" countered Celestia.

"That's two items, sister," Luna noted with a chuckle. "Neither of which include actual nutrition."

"Appetite aside, Zephyr, how are you feeling?" asked Flurry, suddenly. "You didn't say a word during the whole tour. Should I grab the drugs? Or would a hug be better?"

A hug from Flurry would be amazing, but it wasn't what I needed. "I'm fine." Or at least, I would be, once the tiny holes in my heart scarred over. "Nothing a good old hours-long cry can't fix!" I chuckled. Nopony else did, the alicorns staring at me in concern, saying nothing.

Well, this was awkward. Maybe I could try some normal small talk? Something that wouldn't have any chance of leading to me being kicked out. The dragonlands sounded so hot. "Umm, so, how's the weather been?"

Twilight set down her fork, the fog of malaise passing. "Excellent. I engineered it to always be excellent." After a deep breath, her lips drew back into a wan smile. "You don't have to tread quite that lightly around us, Zephyr, especially when you're in such dire straights. Nopony would want you to stop being yourself."

"I would," said Cadance between bites.

Huffing at the interruption, Twilight continued. "It would just be nice if you made the effort to be the best version of yourself. More respectful. And we'll do our best to put you at ease."

"Just because we've dealt with far worse doesn't mean we enjoy being treated poorly," said Celestia, even as Cadance rolled her eyes in dismissal.

"And it wouldn't hurt if that went both ways, Mom," added Flurry, brows raised.

Sighing, Cadance buried herself back into her pasta before responding. "I suppose I should give him the benefit of the doubt."

Relief flooded my chest, replacing tension I didn't know I had. "Oh, thank Celestia."

"You're welcome," she said, covering her grin with a napkin.

Rather than facehoofing, I scooped up more food. While any follow up I may have had withered before it passed my teeth, Luna smirked, slowly twirling her fork. "In time, it won't be her name you cry out in relief."

Swallowing, I was drawn into her eyes, still wary of falling in. But the fantasies were nevertheless tantalizing. Luna was still a knockout, relative to the average mare at least. I'd just have to be careful so I didn't experience both kinds. "M-Maybe later, yeah. Once we've both calmed down, gotten to know eachother better, I'll show you a good time. With all the trademark Breeze swagger. Yep," I said, as much convincing myself along with Luna. "You'll totally get the D. Just, uh, as long as I can take top, if you catch my drift."

Luna mulled this over as she chewed, her intense excitement reduced. "This arrangement is acceptable. You'd best give me your all, boy..."

Twilight cleared her throat. "Can we please change the subject? This really isn't appropriate mealtime conversation."

"Oh, right," I said. There were plenty of other things I could ask about. With uncommon care, I planned out how best to put my most burning question. Respectful, respectful... "So, you two," I began, facing Flurry and Celestia, "are... an item? How'd that happen? I had no clue you even dated," I said, pointing at the latter.

The pair of them grew fond smiles as their memories reemerged, but it was Luna who answered. "One of the many ways in which my sister and I are opposites is our preferred gender of partner," she explained, impishly. "And the nature of the relationships we pursue." Here, her demeanor tempered. "Celestia was always more of a 'true love' sort of pony, which, as you can imagine, can be tough on an immortal."

"I would have to agree on that," said Cadance, forlorn. "And I'm the expert."

It was Flurry Heart who went into detail, holding Celestia's hoof. "I'm very grateful for her, and I always will be, but there's still a small part of me that feels she fell for me because I was the only realistic option after her few other marriages inevitably ended."

"You know that's not true, dear," said Celestia, firmly, as she planted a kiss on her cheek. "You'll always be my special snowflake."

While the wives blushed, Twilight did what she did best and elaborated. "Flurry does have a point. Cadance had her one-and-only, Luna was out for obvious reasons, and the whole teacher-slash-second mother dynamic with me would have made things supremely uncomfortable. Not to mention I've never really wanted to move past friendship. Who else does that even leave, Chrysalis? Yeah, no."

"Well, I'm happy for them," I said, honestly meaning it. "Love isn't easy, or so my parents always said. Really, what is, though? Except, like eating," I added, waving at my plate.

"Nothing worth doing is," declared Celestia. Suddenly, her smile turned impish. "Which is why you've accomplished nothing of note. I believe you young'uns used to call that a 'sick burn'?"

As I grumbled good-naturedly, Cadance giggled. She did look much better smiling, at least, so maybe the ego hit was worth it. I'd bounce back, no issue. At this point, everypony had finished eating, and Twilight grabbed the dishes in her magic, cleaning and putting them away with a few quick, impressive spells. "Okay then! Zephyr, how about I show you to your room?"

Standing, I shrugged. "Lead the way, princess."

"None of us are really princesses anymore, but okay," she said, her tail flicking.

"I meant it as a - oh what's the phrase - a term of endearment," I explained. "Yeah, that's it."

Twilight's smile widened at my successful use of advanced vocabulary. Nerds were so easy to please.

"We're gonna go finish our movie, let us know if you need anything," interjected Flurry before she made her exit.

Celestia wasn't far behind, but stopped to lean down and whisper in my ear. Her tone was pleasant, but her words were not. "If you break my sister's heart, the others won't even find ashes."

A deep, dark chill ran down my spine. By the time I'd regained enough of my wits to reply, Celestia was gone. I'd already decided to be careful, but now?

"See you tonight, lover," Luna purred, running a forehoof slowly up my chin before sashaying out of the kitchen, wings half spread.

A different sort of sensation overtook me. Maybe not too careful, I amended. I was walking a fine line, but the treasure at the goal was so close I could almost taste it. Or rather, her. This future might not be worth exploring, but the ladies always were.

From there, I slowly but surely got used to my new normal. Despite the lack of cloudstuff, the room Twilight had set up for me was nice. It was basically just a metal box with a bed, a dresser, and a vanity, but there was plenty of room to decorate with my own magnificent style. And I did. Less fortunately, I had to tread lightly to get there, given it was on the far end of Twilight's main workspace, which, while organized, was still a maze of bubbling beakers, spell-crystal structures, and whirring contraptions. I only complained about that three times though, because everything else had me in such high spirits. A soft bed, good food, better company, and best of all, no pressure? What more could I want?

There were hiccups, of course. Nothing perfect lasted forever; even I would get old and wrinkly someday. As another example, Flurry and Celestia took me out to the Manehattan History Museum, where they featured an exhibit on the Elements of Harmony, so I had something tangible to grieve over. But seeing Fluttershy labeled as 'Kind Pony' and that she 'fed animals' didn't really help me move on, though I did eventually. If anything, the sight made me upset about how her legacy wasn't properly embellished. I got some killer ice cream as an apology, though, so it all worked out.

After a few weeks, life almost seemed to be a dream come true. Well, as long as I didn't think too hard about Equestria outside the lab. Luna was a big part of that. Stars, what a mare. I did things with her that would surely have to be censored out of any future autobiographies. Especially since, you know, only the other alicorns and possibly some dragons would even be reading it. Moreover, nopony besides her expected me to do anything more than keep tidy, bathe, and stay out of trouble. They even got me my own Artificial Assistant to help out with telekinesis and a bunch of other techno-magic conveniences, including a giant virtual space called the 'internet'. A pleasing sky blue in color, I dressed her up in a maid uniform and named her Sweet Cheeks.

However, I had this nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. Something at least marginally important. Eh, it would come to me at some point. Right now, I had my nose buried in a book on astrology, the pages in pristine shape, but was actually using it as cover to watch a relaxed Twilight get worked over by the pneumatic arms of the library's massage table.

I hid my disappointment when she rose with a contented sigh, magicking up a glass of water and stretching her wings. "Alright, that's enough of that. Time to get back to work. That hoverboard Celestia wanted won't engineer itself!"

Hmm. Engineer, engineer. Where had I...

My pulse quickened as I shot upright, the sound of the book clattering to the floor drawing Twilight's attention. "Oh crap I forgot about Torque Wrench!"

Twilight blinked at me in confusion. "I don't have one of those. With magic you barely even need them." She took another gulp of her water.

"What? No, she's a pony!" I corrected. "There was a second one of those faulty pods I woke up in, and she was using it!"

The regal mare unceremoniously spat liquid all over the place before whirling on me in what I dearly hoped was mere surprise. "WHAT!? Why didn't you bring that up earlier!?"

I shied away, suddenly very afraid of spending another millennium in suspended animation as a statue. "I d-didn't remember until just now. Honest!"

Twilight backed away with a groan. Though, I didn't hold her ire for long, as her eyes began zipping all over the place while her mind whirled. Eventually, Twilight reared up into a commanding pose, her course planned out. "Computer!" she barked up at the ceiling.

A voice not unlike Sweet Cheeks' answered from somewhere. "Yes, Twilight Sparkle?"

"Run a search through all the databases, image and video. Isolate for any matches that correspond to the following description, to be assigned the designation 'Torque Wrench'." Then, she whipped her muzzle to me with a pointed look.

It took me a second to figure out she wanted me to do the describing. Which made sense, since I was the one who knew what she looked like. "Uh, earth pony mare, yellow coat, red mane tied with a green ribbon?"

"Correlation with a structure the size and shape of a coffin," Twilight added, firmly. "Return location stamps for all matches. Execute."

The talking ceiling beeped an affirmative. "Loading... Loading... Matches for 'Torque Wrench' found. 97% of results correspond to the White Snow and the Seven Tarpans amusement park ride in Orseao." Then, one of those illusion-holograms beamed down in front of us, showing the image of the other enhancement pod. It was badly painted red and surrounded by creepy puppets that were flaking away, but I could still recognize it.

"That's it!" I pointed, squinting at the face barely visible through the pod's glass. "That's her!"

Twilight fanned her wings dramatically. "Then we depart at once!"

After a hasty assembly and high-speed flight, the six of us descended upon the scene. The amusement park, constructed by a long-gone corporation, was nonetheless still frequented by visitors young and old. They lined up to experience the attractions, bouncing in excitement as they munched on unhealthy snacks. Well, the full-grown ponies did, the foals just sort of wandered around aimlessly licking or biting things. The White Snow ride was one of the more popular areas of the park. Ponies thought the slow moving cart on its gently-sloped circular track was spectacular, holding their hooves above their head as they whooped in excitement. I was kind of ashamed to be the same race as them.

"There she is," Flurry Heart noted, angling a wing at the themed setpieces in the middle.

"We must approach this situation delicately. She could react poorly to her present circumstances," Celestia noted, shaking a hind leg to dislodge one of the aforementioned foals.

"I still can't believe nopony ever even thought to check if she was a real pony before putting her on display," I voiced. "Lemme tell ya, that's not the sort of mistake you want to make more than once."

"More than once? What happened the first time?" Luna asked.

I uttered a theatrical sigh. "In my defense, that jenny looked smoking in her dress."

As Luna snorted, ever smitten with tales of my exploits, the ride screeched to a stop. Its laughing occupants filed out, mostly. A few ponies threw tantrums, demanding to go again, before their seats sprung up, ejecting them to the back of the haphazard line. Ignoring the immature visitors entirely, Twilight took a quick wing-boosted hop over the rails, the others and I moving to follow. Careful to avoid the animatronics, we converged on the pod.

Twilight glanced sidelong at me, worry in her eyes. "So, just to be clear, you're certain nothing special happened to wake you up beyond the seal being breached? No deactivation sequence necessary?"

"You think anycreature else would know what that means?" I posed, gesturing to our surroundings. Nopony seemed to notice we were even inside the attraction.

"Good point," Twilight curtly replied. "Who wants to do the honors?"

"I'll do it," said Flurry, closing the distance to the pod as she cracked her neck. "I haven't gotten to obliterate anything in a while."

With terrifying nonchalance, Flurry karate chopped the frontmost portion of the pod clean off, just above where Torque's head rested. Then she peeled back the lid with her magic from the torn end and crumpled it into a ball smaller than my hoof, which she tossed aside. Celestia blushed slightly, and it wasn't from the mysterious vapors now dissipating into the air.

As we watched with bated breath, Torque Wrench's prone body began to stir, the pod's hold wearing off. She sat up, bleary-eyed, and confused. At least, until the presence of five alicorns sunk in, whereupon she jolted to full alertness, awed. "Princesses? What? Where am I? Why are you lot lookin' at me like that?"

Celestia forced a calm smile. "You're safe now; everything is going to be all right."

"Sister and I will make sure of it," Luna affirmed.

However, it seemed like Torque Wrench barely heard them, still absorbing everything. As she scanned our majestic visages, her gaze met Twilight's. "Wait, Twilight Sparkle? Is that really you?" she boggled, recognition dawning.

"If we've met, I don't remember," Twilight said, rubbing her forehooves together. "To be fair, it has been a while."

"What do you mean?" Torque asked. "It's not even been a year since the Festival."

"Uh, funny story about that..." Twilight trailed off.

"How do we break the news delicately?" Flurry Heart muttered under her breath.

Everypony averted their eyes and pursed their lips, mulling it over. Eventually, Torque's eyes narrowed. "Cut to the chase, eh?" she insisted, her patience rapidly wearing thin.

Well, if she wanted tactless, I would happily oblige. Tact was overrated to begin with. "Welcome to the future!" I proclaimed, hovering up so I could do jazz hooves.

"Equine population with a decent IQ: you're looking at it," Twilight elaborated, sheepishly.

Torque Wrench's confusion returned, her stare turning vacant. Slowly, she looked around at the park and its stunted guests, at me, then back to Twilight.

When she didn't say anything, Flurry cleared her throat and waved at me. "Zephyr here told us everything. Turns out those so-called 'Enhancement Pods' ended up working as stasis pods."

"You were deceived," stated Luna, disappointed. In who, I couldn't say. "Rather than own up to their mistake, those scoundrels Flim and Flam must have shuffled you away somewhere well-hidden for quite a while before you were discovered."

The ensuing silence stretched on, until Torque spoke. "Oh. Well, that's right unfortunate, innit?"

This was where Cadance stepped in, carefully levitating her out of the pod and onto the ground. She wrapped the earth pony in a tender hug. "You'll be okay. You have us now; we'll help you. Even Mr. Breeze over there will probably try."

I would have loudly complained as to why I hadn't gotten a similar get-well hug, but Luna was right there. Instead, Torque sighed. "Well, I suppose I'll have lots of new, advanced machines to study, at least. Yippee."

"Machines? Study?" Twilight gasped, yanking Cadance aside.

"Uh, yes?" Torque managed, in the face of such abrupt enthusiasm. "I'm tryin' ta be an engineer."

Twilight clapped her hooves, beaming. "That's perfect! I'll take you on as my personal student! I haven't gotten to do this in forever; you'll learn so much! It'll be fun!"

Torque blinked a few times before she, too, smiled, Twilight's excitement proving infectious. "Oh, why not? Got nowhere else to be, apparently."

Celestia nodded once. "Excellent. I'm truly glad for the both of you. You seem to be taking these revelations rather well, all things considered, Ms. Wrench."

Shrugging from her new position next to Twilight, Torque smirked. "Compared to that there stallion, anything's peachy."

Wait, was she referring to moi? As the five alicorns - even Luna, the traitor - burst out laughing at my underserved expense, I scowled. This just made them all laugh harder.

And that's how, after a grueling effort and many hardships, I became the smartest stallion alive and bagged a princess as a marefriend. Truly, I am amazing.

~ The End, For Now ~

Author's Note

This was an entry for the Season 10 Bingo Contest that grew a bit out of control. (Read: at the expense of completely derailing my muse from my still-in-progress novel) Yeah, the ending is a bit abrupt, but the fic was already over 10K, and I had to stop somewhere. My prompt was:

In case it wasn't obvious, this was partially inspired by the greatest comedy-turned-documentary ever put to film: Idiocracy. With some Futurama thrown in for good measure. Obviously, there's a lot more space to play around with in this setting than I could address in a one-shot like this, so feel free to expand on it if you get inspired. Slice of life, sci-fi adventure, there are options. Heck, I might write a sequel at some point myself. We could make this a whole thing, a Zephyr & Princesses 'verse. Zephiocracy? Zephorama? Eh, the name can come later if it catches on.