The Tragedy of Pepino and Juustoleipa
On a chilly Friday night the large clock of the Cake Household chimes at “8”. Little hoofs scurry up to their rooms as the Cake Twins giggle like proper happy children, and following behind them is Tempest Shadow. She is the exact opposite of happy.
Maybe it has something to do with the flour covering her from head to hing quarters. Or maybe it has something to do with the jelly caked in her mane. Or the glitter glue on her tail. Or the throbbing pain in her ear. Or the headache she got after getting hit on the head after slipping on all the soap the demented kids lathered the kitchen floor with.
After all the chaos and pain she has been through for the past five hours she is beyond done with the day and wishes that the Cakes would come back so she can get paid, go home, have a bubble bath and maybe have Starlight mind wipe her.
The demon spawns, Pumpkin and Pound, gallop to their room and leap on their shared bed, still giggling up a storm while Tempest limps in after them, not caring that she is stepping on their toys. In fact, she is actually doing it on purpose, not that the Twins notice since they are hitting each other with pillow.
“Okay, settle down and go to sleep,” orders Tempest, her hoof planted firmly on a stuffed ursa.
“But you're stepping on Mr. Glitters,” says Pumpkin, pointing at the squished ursa. “I can feel his pain.”
Tempest bites down on Mr. Glitters' ear and tosses it to the far corner of the room, where it bounces off of the wall and lands on top of the toy box, which has every toy that's supposed to be in it on the floor.
“There, no more pain. Now go to sleep,” says Tempest.
Tempest turns around to leave, but before she can take so much as a step, Pound Cake calls her, making her crane her head up and groan quietly before turning and facing the Twins with a strained smile.
“Yes, Pound?” asks Tempest.
“We need a story before we go to sleep,” says Pound.
Tempest frowns. “No you don't.”
“But Aunt Pinkie always tells us a story before we go to sleep.”
“Do I look like Aunt Pinkie to you?”
“No, but you're taking her place for the night so you should play the part.”
Tempest stomps towards Pound and points at him, vein throbbing and eye twitching.
“Listen here, you little twerp. You two have been trying to kill me all night. The only thing you deserve is time in the dungeon,” says Tempest.
“If you don't tell us a story we won't go to sleep and we'll tell mom and dad you were mean to us.”
“Oh, give me a break. I've met paraplegics more threatening than Carrot. Besides, he's not even your real dad.”
“What?” Pumpkin's eyes widen and begin to water. “My dad's not my dad?”
Pound sniffles. “That means he doesn't love us.”
“B-But that means mom doesn't love us, either.”
Tempest's eyes bulge. “Oh, uh...”
“That means nopony loves us!” cries Pound.
“How did... What?” stammers Tempest.
“Mom's going to leave us in a dumpster!” wails Pumpkin.
“Now, hold on-”
The Twins wailing suddenly turns into screeching cries of despair, and Tempest cringes and steps back as her ears fold down in a feeble attempt to block the pain and annoyance.
“NOPONY LOVES US!” sobs the Twins in unison.
“SHUT UP!” screams Tempest.
The Twins immediately stop crying, like a flipped switch, and Tempest rubs her ear as she glares at them.
“Nopony is going to toss you in a dumpster (yet), and your mom and fake dad love you, but I can promise you they will love you less if you don't go to sleep right now,” says Tempest.
“But story time helps us sleep,” claims Pumpkin, her tears mysteriously gone.
Tempest sighs and rubs her temple. “Fine. Whatever. But-”
“It has to be a good story, too,” says Pound, his tears also mysteriously gone.
“Fine. If you will shut up for five minutes I will tell you a story that will put you right to sleep,” says Tempest as she sits down in front of the bed so she can face the both of them.
“Its not boring, is it?” asks Pound.
“Oh, its really boring. One of the dumbest and most boring stories ever, and since you tried killing me I figured it is only fair that I kill your desire to stay awake.”
Pumpkin and Pound shakes their heads.
“We want a fun story,” says Pound.
“Yeah, a fun one,” says Pumpkin.
“One that makes us happy.”
“And gives us happy dreams.”
“Tough. Just shut up and listen,” says Tempest.
“You said a bad word,” says Pumpkin.
Tempest glares at her, and the little unicorn filly shrinks in her bed while using her magic to grab Mr. Glitters and hug it close to her chest. Tempest continues staring at the filly for a few more seconds before she clears her throat.
“This is story of 'Pepino and Juustoleipa', by William Quillpen,” begins Tempest. “A long time ago, in a kingdom far away, there were two very rich families who hated each other for some reason, and because they hated each other they were always fighting.”
Pumpkin and Pound exchanged looks, and turn back to Tempest when she resumes speaking.
“One family was the Melons and the other was the Cheeses,” says Tempest. “On the Melon side was Pepino, a pretty boy who never appreciated the good mares and always went after airheaded ninnies!”
Pumpkin gasps. “You said more bad words.”
Tempest rolls her eyes. “On the Cheese side was Juustoleipa, and she was not as good looking as she thought she was. In fact, she didn't deserve all the googly eyes she got! She was dumb, ugly and fat!”
Pumpkin gasps again. “You said even more bad words.”
“I'm an adult. We say bad words all the time. Deal with it! So, the two families are fighting for unknown reason, but Pepino and his pal, cousin, whoever, Benchpress McGee, another shallow doofus, decide it will be a good idea to sneak into a Cheese Family masquerade party, because that's always a good idea to sneak into a house full of ponies who want to kill you.”
Pound raises his hoof.
Tempest sighs. “Yes?”
Pound drops his hoof. “What's a masquerade party?”
Tempest arches a brow. “You don't know what a masquerade party is?”
Pound shakes his head.
“It's expensive parties where adults dress up and wear masks and eat expensive stuff to flaunt their wealth and remind poor ponies how they'll never have anything in life.”
“Oh, like a royal gala?”
“Exactly like a gala.”
Pound rubs his chin. “I see...”
“Good.” Tempest clears her throat. “So, Pepino and Benchpress McGee sneak into the party, and Pepino runs into Juustoleipa, and they fall in love right on the spot. Love at first sight, if you will.”
Pumpkin's eyes glow with wonder and Pound turns away, gagging.
“Their love is so strong that they ignore their family's wishes and do love stuff. Like, saying how much they love each other, kissing, sneaking around, saying how much they love each other.... and saying how much they love each other,” says Tempest.
Pumpkin leans forward, her smile growing, while Pound lays down and looks at the wall, scowling with his ears splayed back.
“And then they died! … The end,” says Tempest; she then stands up and goes to the door. “Alright, that's all for the night. Go to sleep.”
Pumpkin's jaw drops and Pound jerks up, now intrigued.
“What? How?” asks Pumpkin.
Tempest sighs and turns around, giving Pumpkin an annoyed look.
“They just did. Go to sleep,” says Tempest.
“But they fell in love,” says Pumpkin. “Falling in love means happy endings.”
“First, no. Second, they didn't fall in love. They were just hormonal brats who got a lot people killed, including themselves.”
“So there's more to the story?” asks Pound. “Like fights and stuff?”
“Yes, but-”
“How did they die!? Who else died!?” asks Pumpkin, now pale in the face.
“Tell me about the fights! That sounds awesome!” says Pound.
“Pepino poisoned himself and Juustoleipa stabbed herself and lots of other ponies were stabbed to death by other ponies because they hated each other. Now go to sleep,” replies Tempest.
“Was there a lot of blood?” asks Pound.
Tempest face-hoofs. “Oh my gosh, will you two just go to sleep already?”
“Aunt Pinkie always tells us nice stories before we go to bed. This story was messed up,” pouts Pumpkin.
“And mom and dad always gives us warm milk and cookies,” adds Pound. “Also, tell me about all the deaths. That sounds cool.”
“Well, life's messed up and you're going to get diabetes, so have fun with that,” says Tempest.
“Can you tell us a nice story?” asks Pumpkin.
“No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Pleeeeeeeeeease?”
“No.”
“Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?”
“STOP!”
The Twins look at Tempest with big, wet eyes, attempting to infect her very soul with a sadness to consume her, which only succeeds in making her want to smack the two in the rump with a wet bamboo stick. That said, to keep herself from doing such a thing Tempest closes her eyes, takes a long deep breath, and after slowly exhaling she opens her eyes, giving the two a glare from the fifth circle of Hell. This, of course, terrifies the two and they bring their blankets up to their faces while keeping their beady eyes on their babysitter.
“If I tell you two a nice story will you finally go to sleep?” asks Tempest.
Pound and Pumpkin nod quickly, and Tempest takes another deep breath to collect her thoughts, and then she smiles, approaches their bed and sits down in the same spot as before.
“All right, now this is a story I love,” begins Tempest. “This story is about a nice writer who takes his lovely family to a secluded hotel in the mountains...”
-The End-
