Some Postmare

by Peridork

Rating: teen
Tags: Bulk Biceps, Slice of Life, Aunt Holiday, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Random
Length: 9540

Luna gets a new job- the newest employee of the Ponyville Post Office. She loves her job.

It was all about the process. Without a focus in her life now that Twilight is the single ruler of Equestria, Luna decides to apply for her dream job.

A mailmare. The best mailmare in all of Equestria. Or at least the Greater Canterlot Mail District. This would be a fantastic learning experience.

Published 2022-04-24 18:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-07-25 00:01:12 UTC

Take A Chance On Me

Luna hummed quietly to herself as she shuffled the papers in her folder. She had asked Twilight exactly what a hypothetical pony might do in a very certain situation like this. She cautiously poked at her mane, carefully put up in a bun with a rather fetching scrunchie and she wore her best shirt. She looked rather dashing in her shirt, the little palm trees that festooned the red shirt bringing out some nice features in her. She had heard Rarity call it something like 'pizzazz' or 'an unknowable factor' but she just liked how the shirt fit her. It was rather hard to find shirts in alicorn sizes.

A short bespectacled mare opened the door and smiled out at her, slightly taken aback at having an alicorn in her place of business, even if Twilight's acceptance on ruling Equestria caused some rather large issues in everyday life. "When Bulk Biceps mentioned that he saw you take a request form, I thought he was joking." The mare grinned slightly. "Well I think Lofty might not like my slight betting habit, but twenty bits is twenty bits. And it's not everyday you can say 'I interviewed a former princess. You are a former princess. I mean-" The pony stopped for a second as she noticed Luna's slight discomfort. "Sorry, sorry, got carried away. Name's Happy Holiday."

Luna carefully got off the chair and walked into the small and messy room that was where the interview was going to happen. She quickly ran through all the hypotheticals that Twilight had put forward, running through the answers in her head, letting some of the more personal questions have short answers and barely answering some others. She shuffled the recommendation forms in worry as she looked at the mare staring at her from across her beat up mahogany desk.

Holiday stirred a cup of coffee with a spoon and gathered her thoughts as she finally got over the shock of having one of the most powerful ponies in Equestria, even with the abdication, sitting in her office. She ran part of the mail service, not a five star restaurant. She carefully chose her words as she spoke. "So what caused you to apply for the postal service?"

Luna perked up ever so slightly. "Well, I just love what you have done in the last thousand years. Having a service where mail can be delivered promptly without major problems, it's rather impressive. I mean the attempt Starswirl made at having mail delivered caused a few ponies to die. So no deaths is a good thing. And I just love the little details, the stamps, the looking up of ponies, the delivery, the process. Its exciting and yet so mundane, which after the few years I've had, I kind of gravitated toward it."

Holiday raised an eyebrow at the currently grinning alicorn. "What was that about Starswirl? I thought the first one who did the mail was a pegasus."

Luna waved a hoof. "It was more of an attempted thing in the battle against the Sirens, though his attempt at rapid transit of information melted the brains of a few dozen ponies. Something about their brains being unable to contain any new information. Or something, It's been years."

Happy Holiday grimaced at that thought. "Okay, let's move on. So I can see by the lengthy gap in your work history that you have been in, as you put it, 'time out' for a thousand years." She racked her brains trying to fit normal interview questions as she looked down the papers, trying not to scream as she looked at the references, all done in perfect order. But each one was a pillar of Equestrian culture: the former princess, the current one, Crystal Empire, Discord. Her eye twitched. "Can you try and explain what you learned in this. . .stint in prison?"

Luna raised an eyebrow at that. "Prison? Nay. It was only a rather bad mistake on my part. But what alicorn, or unicorn, doesn't play with dark magic. I mean I was only a few hundred years old so it would fit into a, what did Twilight call it, adolescent rage and an attempt to reject authority."

"And?"

Luna nodded, ready for the answer she had ever so briefly prepared. "Well, I learned that I'd rather be a useful member of society and how to enjoy the small things. I mean my sister's the one who likes rather grand gestures and things like that. I'd rather sit alone with a book or sort through the letters I got from fans. By date, by zip code, by color, all that fun stuff." Luna smiled awkwardly, her legs slightly twitching as she spoke.

Happy Holiday sighed and pushed the resume aside. "Well, from reading your resume, and knowing that you can probably kill me without a thought if you really wanted to, we can let you work temporarily. Nothing too major, more like protocol. See if you can handle the job and all."

Luna almost couldn't contain her excitement as the interviewer opened the door and beckoned her out of the office. She waited a moment, carefully tried not to use the Canterlot Voice, and floated out of the office as her hooves didn't want to touch the ground.

***

Derpy sighed as she looked at the piles of unrecovered mail. Being in the lost and found department of the postal service, while not fun, was important. And she didn't have to worry about breaking packages- if a lost package was truly broken, it wasn't too big of an issue. Just fill out some forms and move on since this department handled the old and forgotten things. She picked up a package and peered at the hastily scribbled note on the side. A partially legible scrawl of letters and numbers were on it, a partial address and not much else. She gently placed it back and watched as Bulk Biceps pulled a trolley of mail, filled to the brim of letters and packages with similar enough addresses. She cantered towards him and whistled to get his attention. "Hey, Bulky, you mentioned a new pony getting interviewed."

Bulk grunted as he dropped the packages off and turned to face Derpy. "Yeah. What of it?"

Derpy shrugged. "Well, hopefully they don't get scooped up by the front lines of the post cause we need a few new hooves on deck."

Bulk smiled. "I'd be surprised if they get anywhere near the front office. Didn't seem like a usual interviewee."

Derpy rolled her eyes, her line of sight trailing as she saw both the door out of the loading area and Bulk himself at the same time. "Why is that? Every single new hire has been scooped up. Parcel Post? Happy Trails? Speedy Delivery? All snapped up by the front deskers. And those were the ponies that got close to us. Any number of unknown applicants, second interviews, interns even, all gone to the Diamond Dogs."

Bulk flapped his wings in slight annoyance. "Yes, but like I saw the interview paper. It said Luna."

Derpy giggled. "Good one, Bulk, as if a former princess would even dare walk in here. I thought they were supposed to hate all the nitty gritty business of ruling. Isn't Celestia headlining like Las Pegasus with her death defying stunts. Luna wouldn't be caught dead here."

***

"Oh aether, a mail sorter! I always dreamed of the day I'd see it on this end. See how the hay is baled and all that. And that over there is a stamp machine and a exact scale and. . ." Luna flitted around the back of the post office, letting her eyes wander as she took in the sights, pausing ever so briefly to let a hoof dangle above a particularly large package of mail.

Holiday groaned and cursed herself. The pair had spent all of two minutes staring at a loose stamp that had fallen and stuck to the floor. She had tried, so valiantly tried, to push the blue alicorn somewhere else- to get her away from the main desk and away from any prying eyes that would be more amazed than annoyed that a former princess was here. Holiday was more annoyed than anything else since Luna had tried to explain to her the ins and outs of the Equestrian Postal Service, every detail, every historical anecdote, with notes. She quickly reformatted her placement list into something more realistic. She was rather impressed, to be sure, but when a pony so enamored with something so banal as the postal system came to her doors, she expected Twilight.

She got Luna instead. Which was like Twilight and her brand of insanity, but just weirdly chipper about most things which felt disconcerting- she had been one of the few things her mother warned her about as a foal in graphic children stories and here she was showing the not evil version of Nightmare Moon where she weighed packages.

"So, Miss Holiday, I dare presume to be so forward, but if I'm back here in the command center of this postal office, that means I did get the job? Though that means that I have another question. How exactly is a pony my stature going to fit into a uniform? Twilight had shown me the normal outfit and I had attempted to try one on, but it didn't go well. Ripped right through the seams and all that." Luna twirled her hair as she thought of that awkward moment, blushing heavily at remembering that Twilight had teased her endlessly about being far too majestic to fit, rubbing a feather near every single place a seam had failed. That was a good memory, even if it had been awkward, more so for what happened after. Luna shook her head, letting that lewd memory pass and focused on the present as she heard Holiday respond.

"Well we never expected an alicorn. So you'd have to get that hemmed out right and expanded. Carousel Boutique could get that done quickly since I've sent ponies who don't fit into the average size over there a lot. If you went there soon, Coco Pommel would know exactly what to do."

Luna hummed in thought. "Yes, the Lady Rarity's place. I know where that is."

Holiday smiled and nodded. "Of course, well, we have run through the general tour. And you ran through the duties and responsibilities of a mailmare or stallion in record time, so we don't have to run through most of that. Let's see, that just leaves the bank routing number that we need to direct deposit your check, when you get it of course, and the area you will be working in. Come this way, please, and do be careful, with this being holiday season, I don't want you to be lost here. The last pony who did turned into an insane paper golem."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Truly? How rather interesting, I'd have to have Cadance check it out. She so wants a helper around with Flurry."

Holiday was slightly taken aback. "Prin- I mean Luna, that was a joke. There's no way that could happen. I mean we have standards for clocking in and out, nopony would stay here that long. And anyway, that's for saying that Starswirl made ponies go insane. Still trying to figure out how that would be possible. And no, I'm not going to ask him a sensitive topic such as that even if he's a reference."

Luna cocked her head. "If you don't get the method, I could easily demonstrate on something. It's simple to show off the trick once you see it in action."

Holiday blanched. "No, no, that's perfectly fine. Can't have my workers going missing. Or dying. We're already vastly understaffed as it is. Thanks." The cream-colored earth pony shivered as she walked on. She knew exactly where to put her. Out of sight, out of mind, and Derpy had been complaining about being understaffed. She could deal with her far easier than any normal pony here and it would limit the chance of the former princess accidentally turning somepony to goo. She knew that once she got home, she'd have to tell Lofty about this. "I was reading your resume. You said you'd love helping out in a critical role, yes?"

Luna blinked. "Well, not in those terms, but of course."

The earth pony mare grinned. "Wonderful, wonderful. Now let me tell you about the most important place here. The lost mail department."

***

"Hey, Bulk, you ever wonder how many parcels we have here we can't deliver. Cause there has to be stuff that would have gone to like dead ponies and all that. Especially now. What with Twilight's reform of the whole shebang. Changelings who became ponies full time, those who didn't, gryphons, yaks, kirins even. Whole mess of creatures all using the same damn system cause priorities and all that. I bet there's packages up there. . ." Derpy paused, putting down her cart, and stared up at the mountain of mail. "that my grandmare sent, or my mom. Just unrecoverable mai."

Bulk shrugged. "At least we only get a few packages every once in a while. Just think if we had to do what the ponies in the front do, deal with customers, weighing stuff. I'm glad I'm back here, cause I'm awful at that stuff."

Derpy smiled briefly. "Yes, well I haven't ever thrown a pony into a box during a panic attack, that's true. But ponies still talk about it."

"-through here is the department you'll be working. Now I don't want to be scaring you off just yet, but this is where the oddjobs and weirdos tend to gravitate towards."

"Fun, Twilight did tell me some of the more interesting tales of her friends and if they might be anything like hers, I think we will get along just fine."

Two ponies walked into the room and Derpy stood there shocked. Luna. In the post office. "What?"

Luna pleasantly waved and cantered over to Derpy, Happy Holiday trailing behind as the alicorn hit her stride. "So this is the central command of the post office? How quaint and festive."

Derpy stared at the offered hoof of Luna and cautiously shook it, wondering if this was some kind of odd dream.

"Derpy and Bulk will try and train you. Though the process is simple, find a package in that pile over there and try to deliver it. No questions asked, no real help since most of those packages are the cast off parcels and lost things in this Greater Canterlotian Mail District."

Luna buzzed with joy. "So there's a treasure hunt involved as well. Twilight told me this would be a rather fun way to interact with ponies, but she didn't mention a puzzle aspect. This job is getting better and better."

Bulk and Derpy shared a look. Derpy raised an eyebrow at her manager, who shrugged and mouthed 'alicorn' and 'you should see her resume. Creepily into mail.' The female pegasus shook her head. She'd never heard of a pony willingly joining the service, most left a few weeks in, burnt out and dead inside from the ever widening detachment and piles of mail crushing their souls. She expected Luna to be. . .something else. She had heard that Twilight and her were dating, but the thought of them being so. . .compatible in their obsessions seemed kind of disconcerting. She had expected Luna to be distant and cold, not a bubbly mess that loved, of all things, the post office. She grumbled as she noticed Bulk's grinning smile in her peripheral vision- she owed him bits for that bet.

Holiday clapped her hooves. "Dismissed. Now if you don't mind me, I have a daisy sandwich in the breakroom that's calling my name and I really don't want to be interrupted. So, unless the world ends or the mail becomes a sentient ooze, don't call me. Oh and Luna, get going to Carousel Boutique, they should get that new uniform done as fast as possible so you can fit neatly into our little group of misfits here."

Derpy groaned as she saw Luna's unguarded goofy smile and grumbled silently to herself. This wasn't what she had expected when she said she needed help.

Author's Note

Something dumb I wrote in 2020 and never posted because I never got to the editing stage.

I Love A Mare In Uniform

"Welcome to Carousel Boutique, the home of the most chic dresses in all of Equestria. My name's Coco and what can I help you with today?" Coco Pommel quickly walked out of the back of the Boutique, quickly running through the general greeting that she welcomed all her customers with when the bell announced their entrance into this busy place. She carefully placed a few bolts of fabric near the dress station and turned to face the pony who entered.

She stopped as her mind raced with so many different questions and fears. She had been trying to stop the inner monologues and worries through a bit of meditation and stress relaxation activities, but she was used to using that on unruly customers, the elderly, and foals. And service was a mentality that she had to switch to every moment, not a full on personality trait, even if she loved her job.

She wasn't expecting to have Luna in the Boutique. Alone. Carrying a mail uniform.

"Hello, miss Coco, I have a request that might seem a bit odd, but I was told that you would get the hint once I told you what it was about."

Coco Pommel's heart raced as she worried that this was a dream. "Yes?"

Luna sighed and quickly tossed the mail uniform to the small unicorn. "See, I got a new job and, well, the uniform doesn't fit correctly. My coworkers all said that you could easily fix that with some alterations of the costume and I knew exactly where to go since I am at least an acquaintance of your boss. So, how does Twilight put it? No pressure?"

Coco stared down at the brown mailmare uniform and stood there unable to comprehend what was happening for a moment. "So you actually got an actual job and this isn't some odd prank of somepony's?"

Luna cocked her head. She had spent years back in Equestria and the idea that she was joking about something as important as this eluded her. "Yes, not everypony can be my sister who just decides to retire and jump off tall buildings and blow things up for fun. Some ponies get bored doing that."

Coco nodded, ready just to move on. She was professional and had a few years of running the Ponyville branch of the boutique just fine. She worked on instinct and reaction when her brain took a moment to file away her newest customer. She carefully pulled out her tools of the trade and looked up at Luna. "Okay so eyeing you up, you are a few heads taller than me and about half as wide as Bulk Biceps who had been my last alteration to this basic uniform so just to make sure the eyeball measurements are semi- correct. This will just be a minute."

Luna hadn't actually tried much in the ways of clothing before so besides her dressy shirt she had on right now, she had become used to the regalia of her former role or to go without entirely- which often made ponies pause in fits of sheer confusion. Luna blamed her sister on that front. She had always put up the mask of formality so seeing an alicorn without some form of royal clothing probably made ponies worried that something was wrong.

Though Twilight did say that it was more that she was walking around in "the nude" which confused Luna more. Most ponies didn't wear clothes besides the few ponies in uniforms or the highly vain Canterlot elites.

"-and done. It's slightly close to what I thought. Thank goodness you have wings- with how the post office runs I'd have an actually harder time retrofitting a uniform for unicorns or earth ponies. So, let's see. . .that's about triple the fabric, adding some elastic straps to help with sizing and that's about it. So that comes to about forty bits."

***

Twilight carefully walked through the hall of her castle and sighed. She adjusted her ill filling regalia that she had worn for the last few months, and it still felt odd to her to wear the copper colored jewelry. There was a definite stress that she was going to fail a test of character or some political idea would collapse in on itself as she debated with the aristocracy about some minor inconvenience it would cause them. The new ruler of Equestria stared at her crystal walls and smiled briefly, wondering if the seeds of doubt that filled her mind with worry had caused her mentor and Luna the same amount of strife. Maybe she could ask one of them one day about it.

She stretched her neck and felt her back pop and ache as she mentally noted to get an actual cushion for her chair. She loved the design of it, but the Tree of Harmony had decided to make it almost a throne all those years ago- with every single uncomfortable downside that caused her now.

A slim opossum slunk through the hallway and sat down in front of the purple alicorn, looking up at her with a sense of purpose as it lazily waved its paws at her.

Twilight smiled and leaned down to Luna's odd choice for a pet and carefully pet the marsupial on its head. "Hello, Tiberius, are you hungry?" She tried to get some hint of the creature's thoughts, but she wasn't Fluttershy. She could only guess broadly at the opossum's mood. She had been horrible the first few times she had tried to feed it since she had tried to follow directions from a book on the creatures and Tiberius had tried to bite her when she didn't give him his breakfast the way he was accustomed to.

Luna had walked in the kitchen to figure out the horrible racket and found one frazzled alicorn holding her beloved and normally calm pet at hoof's length with magic and nearly ready to toss the creature out of the closest window with a simple pot of oatmeal starting to boil over on the stove.

Twilight had taken one look at Luna, tossed her marefriend her opossum and teleported to the nearest Hayburger so she could eat a ton of hayburgers to counteract the waves of stress that she had been feeling. That had completely ruined the anniversary date that Twilight had planned for months.

The pet had calmed down considerably in the months after that mess, but she still gave the opossum a side eye whenever the two of them were alone.

Twilight heard the door of her personal castle open and she let Luna's pet run up her leg and perch himself on her back, the opossum running into her slightly ethereal mane, the purple waves a new addition in the last few months. "Hopefully that's Luna, should be though she's running later than usual." Twilight cantered through the halls, mentally checking the list of questions she had for Luna- if she got the job, her hours, her coworkers. Normal things- at least Twilight thought the questions were normal. It was hard to gauge what constituted as a normal question when you were the ruler of an entire nation and had been a bit of a magical prodigy for literal decades at this point. As long as some horrible master of evil didn't invade Equestria, it was a normal day.

"Good news, Twilight." Luna popped her head into the hallway, her voice a few too many decibels above normal. She was excited about her new position, and the walk over to the castle had not been fast enough, her mind racing with possibilities. Well, she had definitely taken longer than expected since she decided to fly to Hayburger and get what ponies might call a ''feast fit for a queen' or princess.

What she hadn't expected was accidentally scaring her marefriend to death.

***

"I saw my life flash before my eyes. Next time, warn me you're going to use a bit of the Canterlot Voice. Especially since it's been a while since the last time." Twilight held a bag of ice in her magic and nursed a bump on her head that was swelling ever so slowly. She had reacted poorly and reflexively flew up away from the loud, unexpected noise- straight into the ceiling.

Luna sheepishly held the bags of lukewarm burgers and fries and offered them gingerly to the purple princess. "I'm sorry, I just couldn't hold in my excitement. I think they liked me a ton. Or at least I got the job, which you said was the hard part."

Twilight nodded slowly. "I mean I figured you might, it's not like I had a sample size of "alicorns that work normal everyday jobs" to figure out how badly you would do. Though it was your idea to get every random power in Equestria to give you references. Which had to be intimidating- I had said the job offer only needed three of those."

Luna blushed. "Well, I thought that perhaps it would be a good idea to 'go above and beyond' as Rainbow might say. And my original plan for references you completely shot down on principle."

Twilight grimaced, remembering Luna's giddy plan to call the spirits of the dead for personal recommendations. "I told you that using necromancy to reanimate your rebellion's captains was a terrible idea. First of all, that's not what Dash means by going above and beyond. And secondly, it'd be hard for Holiday to call up literal zombies if she had questions."

Luna rolled her eyes. "If she had questions, I'd have just summoned them again. It's a simple-"

Twilight facehoofed and immediately regretted it as she remembered she had been shoveling two burgers in her mouth at the time. The burger she had held in her hooves spurted a gout of condiments all over her face and snout. She hummed to herself, carefully counting down from ten as she floated over a roll of paper towels and tried to wipe her face and failed miserably as the ketchup and mustard smeared itself into her coat with a fine layer of grease.

"Twilight, you got a whole lot of. . ."

Twilight's eye perceptibly twitched, her body unused to the microexpressions that Celestia had perfected by ruling for a thousand or two years. "I know that. Food now, shower later. You can't just summon the undead in an office, that'd be a Pony Resources nightmare."

Luna grinned. "Not really, they have a paper golem."

Twilight sat there dumbfounded, a new burger half angrily eaten, as she tried to process what Luna just said. "You're telling me the Ponyville Post Office has a paper golem?"

"They said so. Is that not normal procedure for mail sorting and delivery? It'd make the process so much more efficient."

Twilight mentally wrote a note to herself to show Luna, yet again, that sarcasm exists. "It was probably a joke. I would love to see practical uses for golems in modern society, but Ponyville as a town freaks out when anything out of the ordinary happens. I personally blame the flower ponies for that since I've seen them a few too many times leading crowds of panicked ponies. If the post office had a golem, I'd have heard about it, not because I'd be geeking out about it, but because I'd have a riot on my doorstep.

Luna blinked. "So they don't have one?"

Twilight shoveled the next burger into her mouth. "No."

The blue alicorn looked horribly distraught for a brief moment, her joy at having magical post office creatures shattered. She breathed out and laid her head on the table, looking up at her marfriend with sad eyes. "I was coming up with names for it and everything." Luna slumped in her chair and closed her eyes, worried that the wonder of the post office would be dimmed ever so slightly. That is until she had a wonderful, exciting idea.

She'd just make one.

"Luna, I know that look in your eyes. No, no, no, that's a terrible idea. As a self-admitted mad scientist, I have to say don't make a golem just because there isn't one. Plus, you have to get a soul from somewhere."

Luna waved a hoof. "Is that all?"

***

"Go to bed, Derpy." Carrot Top carefully walked through the dimly lit kitchen and around whatever worried mess that Derpy had out. She couldn't really tell what it was- the gray mare, loved some sense of routine, order, the like, and sorting messes was her way of calming down her nerves. It made their home pretty much spotless, but finding her marefriend sorting clothes at 3am some nights because she had something on her mind was troubling.

Derpy sighed and looked up at the earth pony. "I want to, but Bulk had to keep talking about our new hire."

Carrot rolled her eyes, knowing far too well the excitable stallion and his love of talking. "Wouldn't you be excited if a former princess joined your lowly, underfunded team?"

Derpy grimaced. "Probably, but you didn't see her. She seemed too happy to work in-"

Carrot placed a hoof on Derpy's mouth. "Too excited to work in a post office? What happened to the easy going mare that I remember those few years ago? I mean she wasn't drooling over procedure and scales like how you described our secretly nerdy ex-princess, but I remember you being slightly too into holiday hours. And thinking that shipping yourself in a box was quirky."

Derpy laughed. "I only did that one time."

"Because one rather livid boss of yours told you that shipping full grown adults was illegal."

Derpy sighed and dramatically laid over her chair. "Foiled by age restrictions. If only I was a foal and fifty pounds yet again. Then I could have totally done it."

The pair giggled at the thought.

Carrot Top hugged her marefriend. "It's going to be fine, muffin. And even if not, I'd think having some sleep would be better than none." She ran a hoof over Derpy's wings careful to pull out the few feathers that were decidedly out of place. "And anyway spicing up the mail service might be fun for all of you. I mean doesn't Holiday get the exciting parts? Why not just let Luna mess with her a bit. Be a lot less stressful for you- no need to micromanage every single spell she uses, no need to outright ground her to simple returns. Think of the possibilities."

Derpy leaned ever so slightly into Carrot's touch. "That's a terrible idea and Holiday would totally hate me."

Carrot groaned and rolled her eyes. "She uses your department as the trash pile, of course she doesn't like you. And think of it as a way to get back at her for the holiday party from Tartarus. That was a terrible party."

"It wasn't too bad."

The earth pony huffed. "No, Lofty was pretty fun, but Holiday said my carrot cake cheesecake was awful. Oh and Bulk did drink a bit too much and ended up dancing on a table, but who's counting, I'd have done that too. At least it was more exciting than that terrible charades display."

Derpy smiled. "I told you it was a bathroom brush."

Carrot Top's eye twitched. "I thought toothbrush. Most ponies would have. Not toilet brush. Who in their right mind would remember toilet brushes? I lost out on a month of free groceries for that. Which would have been super useful with how your two wonderful kids eat."

Derpy giggled. "Well at least we tried. That's what counts. right?"

Carrot rolled her eyes and ruffled Derpy's mane. "Right, but if Holiday invites me to another party, it will be too soon." The earth pony yawned and put a hoof to her face to stifle it. "Well good talk, but I'm bushed, I'm heading back to bed."

Derpy nodded. "Yeah. I'll just be a minute."

Carrot nodded and slowly trudged her way back upstairs. Derpy head the hoofsteps recede and she squirmed in her chair, her mind still racing with worry. She carefully breathed out and looked out at the cool, dark night and sighed.

"Tomorrow is going to suck."

Author's Note

Sending kids by mail used to be cheaper than sticking them on a rail car- helped that there was no laws for a while saying you couldn't stick stamps on your kids and send them on mail cars to their grandparents.

Death Letter Blues

"I am so sorry, but the postal service has removed a few packages and services from circulation." Holiday breathed out and carefully straightened her nametag that she used when she was working the front. "Would you prefer a nine by thirteen sized envelope and a three-day shipping rate?" She carefully smiled as she saw Spoiled Milk's face have the stages of grief all over her face. Sometimes there were a few bonuses to her job and seeing Ponyville's least favorite mother in a sense of impotent rage brightened her day.

"I would like to speak to the post office. . .manager." Spoiled Milk spat out, unused to the apathy that was on display. She was one of the richest ponies in the entire town, princesses, of course, notwithstanding. There was a dance to this whole thing- she would get her way somehow.

Holiday smiled, an odd look coming from the normally stoic earth pony that ran most of Ponyville's mail service. She flipped her name badge with purpose. She had two badges- so carefully stuck together by Lofty's craft skills to seem as good as nonexistent outside of situations such as this. It was a sort of prank the pair hatched one night when Holiday had come home complaining a bit too much about customers. A wickedly fun one. She faked a nervous tic with her hooves as she flipped her badge over, completely ready to destroy this mare's power over her. She looked Spoiled Milk directly in the eye and smiled. "I am the manager, sorry for not being a pegasus, what seems to be your issue?"

Spoiled Milk breathed out; her face flushed red with rage. "I. . .nothing. Nothing seems to be the problem, give me one of those larger packages I guess."

Holiday nodded, glad that her decision to staff the front desk primarily with earth ponies paid off with dividends. Partly because the problem customers were often earth ponies, and who better to know how an earth pony ticked but another one. Even if she couldn't fly, Holiday could run the place with a cool efficiency that threw ponies off. She had gained every bit of her shrewd management style after more than a decade being the one manager in the postal service that didn't have wings. The fact that she wasn't part of the pegasi flight club made manager retreats awkward. Hard to schedule Cloudsdale retreats when she couldn't fly. But her results made up for the managerial kefluffle her existence caused.

Well, she could run her office with some efficiency- the back offices worked well most of the time. All for one group of rather problematic ponies that were a thorn in her side.

***

Luna carefully touched up her outfit, her little brown cap that signified her as a member of the postal service was laid ever so neatly on her head, a ponytail trailing behind it for ease of access. While she was used to her ethereal mane and its eccentricities that let it have a mind of its own, it would be hard to manage her full regal mane look for a job such as this. She walked through the back of the post office, careful as to not draw attention to her that much. She had debated in strolling into the front and announcing her presence, but Twilight had ever so delicately pushed her to not cause major waves like that on the first day- or at least she said that 'because you don't work in the front, just go around the back and check in.'

Luna shrugged and took her judgment. The blue alicorn hadn't had a job that hadn't involved some form of rule or warfare since she was what ponies of this age would call a 'teen' and so she had no idea how the modern era defined courteous behavior. Luna slid out her nametag and slid it through the clock on mechanism and grinned as she was logged into her first day on the job.

Whatever magical runes this card held within was pure wonder to her. Twilight had tried to explain in rudimentary detail on what these electronic chips had in store in terms of combining with small crystalline magic tech, but Luna had tuned her out once the lecture had gotten into the small details that weren't as interesting.

She slid into the back of her department and waved slightly at Bulk who was stacking a mountain of boxes to the side.

Derpy trotted up to Luna and looked up at her for a moment before sliding some packages near her. "I went through the pile and there's a few packages here that should be simple. Just a few next of kin returns- since I doubt there's a way to contact the dead."

Luna's ears perked up. She knew a myriad number of spells to contact the dead. "Oh really?"

Derpy pointed at each box. "Yeah, I sorted them out and most are going to the Acres, you know Applejack's place?" The gray pegasus was unsure on Luna's knowledge of Ponyville so she wanted to at least explain where she had to go. The last time she thought one of her workers had good direction, Bulk had taken a wrong turn and ended up in Manehattan.

"Lady Applejack's orchard? Yes, I know where that is."

Derpy pointed at each package. "Okay so there's two for Granny Smith and one for Applejack's dog, those are the next of kin. . ."

***

Luna banked through the skies, her wings letting her glide through the summer skies of Ponyville, letting her mind run through a series of thoughts as she tried to figure out her monologue for the Apples. This was her first delivery, and she was excited but slightly nervous. She knew that the postal service dealt with letters such as this- the junk mail alone for ponies that had recently died or moved away a constant annoyance for those who weren't planning to berate a bureaucratic process.

Luna was a slight conundrum at the moment- she wanted to be rather tactful but seeing the mess of the back rooms of her department, the ever-growing pile of unclaimed or nearly unclaimable mail, she had to do something.

And if that something was summoning the souls of the deceased to claim their mail, she would do it.

The doorbell rang and Applejack carefully set down her dishes that she had been washing. She had become used to the up and down of solitary chores ever since Sugar Belle and Big Mac got married, and with Applebloom having that itch to move out, she had prepared herself for one day maybe doing most of the farm work herself- or with minimal help.

She quickly shook her hooves to get off that gunk that dishes often had. She cupped a hoof to her face and tried yelling at whoever was at the door. "Give me a minute, I'm almost there."

Whoever was at the door must have thought that was fine because there were no other presses of the doorbell. Applejack grinned, at least that meant it probably wasn't one of those salesponies thinking they could one up her natural honesty. She cantered to the front door and opened it carefully, the old hinges creaking ever so gently as she did.

"I'm here, now what do you want. . ." Applejack looked up at Luna's face and sighed. "What in the world. Luna?" Applejack tried to run through her mental calendar and found no good reason why the former, she assumed, princess of the night was here on her doorstep at this time of the day. "Did something happen to Twilight or did some Elements of Harmony malarkey happen so the girls all have to go to the end of the world to save the day yet again? She hoped not that one- she understood the importance of being an element bearer, but it wasn't a vacation even if they often got sent to the back end of nowhere.

Luna cocked her head and straightened her hat that Applejack finally noticed. "No, unless it just happened. Which would be horribly surprising since Twilight usually calls me immediately if she's overwhelmed being the ruler of Equestria. Honestly understandable since I had to listen to a few Blueblood lectures on pecuniary matters and I wanted to pull my mane out with how boring the minutiae was. I'm still in shock that Twilight hasn't just abolished royalty. I said it was an option if they kept causing her panic attacks. I don't know why Celestia hadn't kicked them out of the palace in all her years- she thought they were equally as annoying."

Applejack shook her head, hoping that a quick movement might get the alicorn out of her own head. "No, no, no. I'm saying what are you doing here. Like I can count on my hooves the times you came to the Acres in the daytime, so it has to be kind of important."

Luna's face brightened and she pulled out a bag that Applejack hadn't seen before, though the orange mare hadn't really focused on much else besides Luna for a minute or two. "Okay, so here goes. . ." Luna cleared her throat with a slight cough, her nerves getting to her since she was never one for public speaking. "I, as a member of the Greater Canterlot Mail Service, a subsidiary of the Equestrian Mail Service and all its new extralegal areas outside of the literal map of Equestria, have some mail for you." Luna nervously shifted on her hooves and pulled out the packages for the Acres out. She had practiced her spiel for a few minutes on the way over here and she wondered if it had come off as unnatural. "Two for you, Lady Applejack, one for your deceased dog, and a couple for your deceased grandmare- my condolences."

Applejack blinked. "Couldn't you just not have brought the old mail? I mean it's not like I have much use for a dog toy for Winona or whatever Granny Smith lost in the mail years ago."

Luna shook her head. "And litter? I mean I love the post office but putting a strain on the trash services is just so. . .not ideal. I mean do you want to go back to the days where trash services dealt with the plague? I think not. That's how we get back to the days where piles of the deceased just sat waiting to be burned and dealt with. It was a far less cheerful time in Equestria."

"I mean I guess that makes sense. That'd be horrible." It didn't exactly make sense but arguing with an alicorn about trash wasn't on her list of chores for the day. And the last time somepony argued against Luna, Rainbow Dash had nightmares for two whole weeks. All for Dash arguing that coffee wasn't a good replacement for sleep. So, she let Luna ramble on about the logistics of trash collection for a bit. "So, if I don't want to have those packages. . .what will you do?"

Luna blinked and remembered what exactly she was doing. "There's always a secondary option. And asking you to receive the mail for what the postal code termed "deceased parties" was the simple option. The fun option is my personal favorite.

Applejack grimaced at the thought of whatever the midnight blue alicorn termed as fun. "Which is?"

Luna smiled. "Easy. Just a bit of necromancy."

***

Luna stared down at the graves that contained the bones of both Granny Smith and Winona. She could see a pair of graves off to the side in this small family plot on the Acres, a large, twisted tree with both pears and apples growing on it gave this place its natural shade. Rather serene place, she had to admit.

Applejack had followed her here, spouting questions the whole way on the 'rightness and wrongness' of necromancy. Luna nodded along ever so calmly as she listened, her mind mostly made up. Partly because she never really understood the necromancy ban her sister put into place hundreds of years into her reign and secondly, it would be rather difficult to explain how she was tasked in delivering mail to the dead without sounding like she was lying directly to Applejack's face. It sounded completely false, but she was technically tasked in getting mail to the parties listed.

So, necromancy it was. Too bad Twilight wasn't here, she'd probably love a look into the ins and outs of death based magic systems. Luna felt the leylines surrounding this place and tapped into them, breathing in the earthy smells that a place brimming in life had, tasting the hint of ash and death on her tongue as she focused on the graves in front of her, letting her magic and a few well-intentioned summoning circles etch themselves onto the grass for a moment as she hummed to herself. She felt the bones in the ground resonate ever so slightly as she filled them back up with a bit of life magic from the surrounding area, enough to use for her purpose, but not too much to impact the land too greatly.

Necromancy had a bad rap because certain practitioners didn't understand the balance between life and death.

She opened her eyes; her pupils glowing a faint blue light from her inner focus and spoke the dead into being again.

Two faint glowing spirits appeared before the pair of ponies and Luna could tell that they were who she wanted. She had seen pictures of this Granny Smith in passing in the few pictures Twilight had in the Castle of Friendship of an old green earth pony mare who had seen many a winter and this Winona- one border collie that jumped between her ghostly heels was often in pictures with Applejack.

"I have to say I wasn't expecting to get up from my dirt nap anytime soon, but I guess being dead is a bit more. . .what's that darn word? Malleable? Rubbery? Whatever. I know you, Princess, and my dear sweet Jackie." The apparition of Granny Smith turned to Applejack and sighed. "I can tell you ain't gotten married yet. Get that done, because I doubt your sister will be doing that anytime soon, what with her whole Cutie Mark Helper business. And Mac was always one for taking things slow. I need grandfoals or I'm going to haunt you forever." The ghost waved her hooves around and laughed. "No, sorry, guess I'm already dead so that threat's kind of pointless. Now what do you need me and Winona here for? Has to be something important for you to do something such as this."

Luna bowed and pulled out her remaining packages. "I am honored that you still call me Princess, but it's been an odd few years- I just became a mailpony and I had a few packages in my department that were addressed to the both of you. It didn't feel right and proper to just let your grandfoal here receive them for you."

Granny Smith laughed. "You brought me from the dead again just to give me something I can't even use. I mean look at Winona and me, do we look like we can bring whatever to the land of the dead? Things just pass right through me."

Luna nodded. "Well, I was just being thorough, just need a bit of affirmation that I saw the correct pony and with my accidental witness here. . ." Luna swept a quick hoof towards Applejack who was deathly pale and shaking like a leaf- "I think we can get the general gist of protocol out of the way and you two can be sent back to the great beyond."

Granny Smith nodded. "Sounds good to me. But just don't open the boxes. I'd love to know whatever is in them, but it don't matter too much. I mean looking around here, just knowing that I got put in this spot is all I need. I mean I thought my grandfoals would just cremate me and stick me on the fireplace like some overly sentimental rot."

Applejack shook her head. "No, I wouldn't have dared to do that Granny."

The old mare shook an intangible hoof. "I was kidding, let your dead grandmare have at least some sense of humor right now. I mean I don't get to live it up much anyway. Being dead is peaceful and all, but it's not like I have the most exciting eternal rest ever."

Luna pulled out a small booklet from a side pouch in her outfit and floated a pen over to Applejack. "Okay, since this isn't exact protocol, I have to have your signature that I delivered said packages to the ponies- and dog- listed."

Applejack listlessly took the pen in her mouth and scribbled her signature, a far cry from her normal scrawl, it looked nearly the same, but the loops were closer together and had far more thought put into them. Her heart wasn't into it.

"Thank you" Luna carefully let the spell matrices that let Granny Smith and Winona interact with the land of the living run out, letting the pair of ghosts fall back into slumber.

"Hey, say hello to Holiday for me. I always liked that mare. Even if she kept trying to finagle my family recipe for apple cookies out of me. Even though I'm a ghost, just tell her that I took that recipe to my grave. I mean it's a lie, but I'd rather not have her hound Applejack or the others for the rest of her life just cause she relaxes after her workday by baking." Granny Smith sighed. "Well, I guess it's goodbye again, AJ, keep your sister out of jail. Not that she is a bad mare, just she's a bit hardheaded. Reminds me of myself when I was younger."

With a pop and a faint smell of sulphur, the two ghosts winked out of existence again.

"Granny Smith will haunt me if I don't get married. . ." Applejack had been pacing back and forth for the last few minutes muttering to herself since they had got back from the rather pretty gravesite. Luna let the mare be- most ponies were horribly ill equipped to see the rising dead pop into existence. Luna just chalked that up, yet again, to Celestia just thinking necromancy was bad and forbidding it. Sure, you could create an undying skeleton army and burn down the land of the living super easily, but what was the fun in that?

Luna looked at the time on the mantel clock and sighed. While she would love being a shoulder for Honesty to cry on, she couldn't just sit here all day and get a paycheck for not working her route, that seemed slightly illegal or at least immoral to her. Slacking and getting paid while doing her first job that didn't involve starting wars and causing nightmares to the general masses felt wrong to her.

Either way, she had to let Applejack here work out whatever hang up- Rainbow Dash's term for it- she had and maybe console her later. She still had a connection to the dream realm and was still technically the Princess of the Night. Though she did enjoy not having to see each and every dream her subjects had and deal with the images they came up with.

"Well, I'm off. I'd love talking about any number of subjects, but I feel I have tarried a bit too long and my supervisors would be rather angry if I never reappeared. I mean there's entire mountains of mail to be climbed and sorted into easily delivered mail trips." Luna tapped her hooves together. Even after the years being off the moon and interacting with the greater public, she never could deal with awkward situations. And the orange farm pony just sat there. Not like she was catatonic, that would be an issue that Twilight would have words about, but just in shock.

So, Luna carefully got up and slowly walked out of the house, closing the door behind her with her magic. She quickly noted to herself that maybe using the necromantic arts would be a secretive act in a way. Because it was so much easier asking for forgiveness when ponies walked into a ghostly scene than seeing the corpse of a loved one claw itself out of a grave.

She lightly cursed her sister's name. It had been so much easier when the dark arts were seen as a true form of magical study.

***

"So, you gave her an incompletable task just to see if she would figure out and adapt?" Bulk Biceps laid down on the floor of the lost and found mailroom and looked up into the swinging lights. His back ached from digging out and sorting packages from years past, the dust and old package smell getting to him. It had been a rather productive day and it was all because Derpy kept him wading through the mess in search of mail their newest hire could deliver.

Derpy looked down at the burly stallion, her wings flapping slightly to keep her aloft. "It's a simple task. Just give Applejack the mail, let her toss the old stuff and we're like four boxes down. How hard can it be? I mean she's not directionally challenged such as yourself. . . "

"That only happened once, and I got on the wrong train. Who knew the Ponyville Express had two similar train lines."

Derpy rolled her eyes. "You weren't even supposed to get on the train. It was a delivery to Twilight Sparkle of all ponies; you know where she lives."

Bulk stretched his limbs out and bent up. "I thought she was in Manehattan that week, I mean she and her friends have weekly adventures all over the place, it's not like I was completely wrong."

Derpy scoffed at the thought. "Yeah, because having you pop up in the Crystal Empire when those mares were taking down Sombra sounds like a perfectly sane idea. I mean miss former princess can mess up all she likes. but I doubt she'd cause a diplomatic incident. Or at least not have me spend two days trying to find her in the seediest part of Manehattan. Honestly, how did you even get to the red-light district anyway, I had to ask around for hours to find a pony with low enough morals to even risk me going there."

"I dunno, I was hungry. I took a wrong turn, and I misunderstood what fish market I was at."

Derpy sighed. "Sometimes I wonder about you, Bulk. Sometimes I just do. Anyway, we have a few more package piles for our princess now, so I give you a break."

Bulk just groaned and laid back down.

Derpy glanced at the clock and sighed. "It was supposed to be a simple task, Luna, how in the world did you take two hours to deliver mail to the Acres, it's like a ten-minute round-trip flight." She grimaced at the thought that the alicorn had found one of the fun ways to get Holdiay breathing down her neck. "You know what? I just shouldn't ask so I can have deniability if Holiday gets complaints. It's Ponyville, ponies complain if the mail isn't on time during a weather emergency."

The gray pegasus sighed and got back to her work, already wondering what tall tale the alicorn would tell her when she got back. At least she'd fit right in with the other backroom workers, a hodgepodge mess of ponies that Holiday found use in but didn't work in the clean and proper customer facing section of the post office. Each and every one of the misfits Derpy had in the back probably had a few odd stories of deliveries gone wrong.

What was another one?