A Foreigner's Guide to An Alien World
Darkness, smoke, brimstone, and blood. Those were the sites and smells which seemingly clouded the young adventurer as he looked about the broken battleground before him.
Surrounded by the corpses of his recently slain friends, the gurgled screams and ripping of flesh forever haunting his mind, he looked about to see the grotesque damages done not only to his partners but to the rocky battlefield that had become nothing more than a broken and burnt shape of its former self.
The numerous scorch marks that blacked the ground, as well as many of his comrades, to a crisp, the broken amount of dirt and rock that sat upon the destroyed earth, and the many smears of blood and boon that perverted the ground like some sick art display.
As the young knight looked about the world before him, the repeating question of, 'why' seemed to play like a broken record.
However, those thoughts seemed impartial, as the low growls and the booming steps of the damned beast approached closer and closer towards him, causing the man nearly weep, as he heard the steps reach closer and closer.
In the dim light of the cave, the approaching creature could be seen in all of its horrendous features; its large grotesque scales, it's seemingly glowing emerald spines and bloodied sharp teeth that still held bits of his friends in them, and its billows of black smoke that flowed from the sides of its mouth.
As the creature approached closer, its growling getting louder and louder by the minute. The doomed knight dropped to his knees in despair, as he knew of his income demise. Saying a silent prayer, the beast before him looked down at the hopeless knight.
The dragon growled something at the awaiting knight that, caused the young many to look up at the beast with confused, teary eyes, "w-what," he wept.
"Anthony" the dragon growled once again, receiving the same confused question once again.
"what?"
"WAKE UP YOU DRUNK!" the beast shouted, only this time, rather than the voice of a booming monster, it was the voice of a pre-teen girl.
In one quick motion, the dragoness(?) raised her claw high, and swatted the knight, however, once again, rather than the might crunch the knight thought he'd feel from the dragon, was instead a small slap to the face which quickly awoke the twenty-something human laying in bed.
My eyes shot open, as a familiar sensation shot me away from my dream-nightmare?-maybe a bit of both, whatever. Anyways, the second I felt that claw slap me, you could say my reaction was quite...delayed.
"What the fuck!" I shouted as I shook about like an epileptic at the nightclub, knocking over a few of my favorite drinks-or, I guess that correct term would be bottles since their empty, right?
Drinks aside, once I had my seizure awake, I turned to the bane of my existence that seemed the feel that same way I do about her. Barbra; a little, fucking dragon with the body of a kid, but the attitude of the world's bitcheist know-it-all. So pretty much like every third-year college chick.
The second my glare met her's it was obvious how this morning would go, "Jesus Christ, what the fuck is your damage, this morning?"
"It's three in the afternoon," she responded curtly.
I gave the bitchy lizard a returning glare, before, of my own volition, checking the clock in my room. Picking up the device, I looked to face the clock which, unfortunately, agreed with the teen-dragon, "Huh," I hummed inquisitively before turning back to the glaring dragon, "Okay, I'll let you have that one, but that still doesn't me you have to Sean Connery the shit out of me,"
"First of all, I don't know who that is," she replied, "and secondly, I did,"
"What, am I in trouble again, did I piss in the castle gardens again?"
"Surprisingly no," she responded in disgust, as the memory of discovering me mid-piss stream still scared her mind, "Dusk wanted to talk to you in the dining room about something,"
As soon as she mentioned Dusk Shine, who by the way is, and I'm not shitting you, the literal Prince of Friendship. I'm not homophobic or anything, but that's probably one of, if not the gayest thing I've heard in my life. I mean, when I first came to Equestria I was pretty weirded out by the look of it, but when I heard about Dusk Shine, it almost felt like I was in some sort of kids shot meant for little girls.
Which means, I must have died when that truck ran me off the road, and now I'm in hell. Guess that's what I get for going to a church with child molesters, huh?
Anyways, my glare towards her had softened slightly at the mention of the Prince of Friendship, Wait seriously?"
"Yeah, I can't believe it either," she quipped in that same bitchy tone.
"Then why the hell didn't he just wake me up?"
"Probably because he told you about it last night before you went on your drinking binge and passed out, like usual,"
"Oh," I replied, as the memory of last-night slowly began to return to his mind, "I kinda remember something like that,"
"Sure you do," she scolded with a smirk, "anyways just come to the dining hall, and try not to piss your pants again," with those final words, the fir-breathing bitch finally left me be. as she nearly slammed the door on her way out.
"Christ is she on the rag or something," I groaned, as I finally got up from the king-sized bed that was stained with god knows what. After a while of stretching and scratching my balls, I decided to go out for a walk around the castle, and see if I could find something quick to eat before my stomach could grumble.
Now you could be asking me, who the hell am I? Well to answer that, let's begin with a quick intro.
To start, my name is Anthony, but most of my friends just call me Anon because why the fuck not. If you got a problem with that, then you can fuck off. Anyways, I was just your average guy living my life in Hoboken (you can feel sorry for me afterward) working at a telemarketing firm for some easy cash. As much as people give me shit for it, it was a good job.
It paid my rent, got me groceries, and allowed me to splurge on some much-needed anime materiel. You see me and my friends would attend cons together, cosplaying as our favorite character, or not, we would usually go either for the events or just make fun of fat people trying to be hot or basement dwellers trying to act cool.
And at times, probably ogle some girls who did their cosplay to the tee. Or at least some of them anyways I wasn't that much of a pervert, I mean I'll jack off to bondage some times and shit, but even I have my limits.
That aside, my life was pretty whatever. That was until one day where I was driving home late one night.
I was working the late shift one night cause one of the workers was out sick, so I had to take over the dick's place, it was a Friday night, so it's not like I had anything better to do anyway.
By the time I was done, it was really late in the night, like to the point where most of the streets look fucking deserted like some horror movie. Which was a plus for me because as tired as I was, I didn't feel like going to jail for vehicular manslaughter, cause that all sounds like a huge pain.
As I drove through the streets, my mind wasn't exactly, on point if you get my point.
To make a long story short, like most isekai anime, it seemed like truck-kun came running for me next, and the next thing you know, everything went white like the fade-in of a shitty VN game.
After that, I woke up in a forest, which was called the everfree forest, and that's basically how I ended up here.
I know you might be reading this thinking' Wait, if you woke up in a forest, how the hell did you end up living in a castle?'
Well, to put it bluntly, the guy running the country, aka prince o' friendship, found out about me pretty quick for a world with no cellphones. In a move I can only assume he did out of good PR, he asked me to stay in his castle, and of course, I said yes. Because when your options are medieval village or a top tier castle, I'm going for the fucking castle in a heartbeat.
For the month and a half I lived here, life was pretty great. Sure I had to deal with the stares from the locals here in Canterlot, and forcing myself to go vegetarian was a bit of a hassle, but ya get used to it
And of course, the lack of phones or computers, or tv's was a change I was not ready for, but that aside, things were going pretty well.
That was until I found out that, well, I'm pretty much stuck here.
You see in some twisted fucked up fashion, the universe through it'd be funny to say, hey how about we just up and pull you into to a whole new dimension, and into surprisingly, it seemed the Fuher of camaraderie had some difficulty with the whole trying to bring me back thing.
I sort of zoned out while he was explaining it, because of the whole, you know, being stuck in a foreign world thing, but from I kinda remember, it was like a save space, In the crash where I was supposed to die the fate, god, or whatever have you, loaded me up in another dimension where I didn't die. But unlike most games, there wasn't a respawn point or load file or anything of the sort to go back to, and in a sense, and in a way, lost my save file and had to start from scratch. The only difference being that, instead of a mild annoyance, I would end up in a world of fleshing-eating monsters or get my molecules fucking destroyed if I even tried to enter the Dusk's little friendship portal.
Suffice to say, I wasn't having it.
But, since then life been pretty okay so far, I got a little upset after I found out about it, but I'm cooler now.
I mean hey, after two years of this, you stop giving a shit and just go with it. Besides, it was sort of a blessing in disguise, I wasn't really close with my family, and my friends were cool but I wouldn't say we were best buds or anything thing like that. Not to mention getting away from all the jackassery that was Hoboken did me in good.
So I've been good, you know, besides a certain draconic bitch, things have been fine. I've still got my health, don't I?
Anyways, now that we're done with that little spiel, guess it time to get you caught up with the present, depending on if anyone finds this or not but, whatever.
Getting out of bed, on my own terms mind you, I made my way into the halls of the castle, which reminded me a lot of those old European styled museum halls you'd see, minus the velvet carpeting of course. Seriously this place went above and beyond in terms of how it looked, but considering this place has been up for years I can't really blame dusk for this. And considering how much of a hard-on he gets for the former Prince, (why isn't it just King) I bet you he wouldn't change a damn thing.
But hey, it's a dope ass palace, so I'm not about to complain.
I just sort of aimlessly walked through the halls until I made it to my destination; the shower room.
I'll be honest, After that little breakdown with uck about the portal, I've been...a bit...neglectful about my hygiene. I mean sure it's been a ~~few~~ a bit since I took a bath, but living in a world where most of the population barely had any hands at all, It shouldn't be that much of an issue.
I mean, look at that I have to deal with here; besides a bunch of victorian era ponies, there's also apparently a shit tonne of other animals that roam this epitome of a little girl's dream. Zebras, donkeys, goats- Yaks if you can fucking believe it-Caribou, Changelings-which after seeing a picture of one was an example of God's dark sense of humor- and something called a seapony which makes me either want to laugh or cringe.
And besides all them, their world also seems to have a raging hard-on for D&D, since there are also a bunch of mythical creatures like dragons and minotaurs, both of whom seemed to be the only two species that I could relate to physically.
Anyway, exposition dumps aside, this was a world where, from my perspective, showing seemed optional, so I'm not really much of a slob if I forget to take a few showers right?
But, after the umpteenth sniff check, I think I'm in need of a good tribble 'S' protocol; Shower, Shit and Shave.
Starting with my tie, I entered the royal bathroom and began to disrobe myself, and finally, get the chance to clean up a bit. After all, if I'm gonna die I might as well look fresh as fuck while I'm doing it. Even if there were a few, stains on my blazer jacket, nothing some club soba couldn't fix.
Taking off my pants and jacket, I placed my old dungarees on the other royal throne and went to turn the valve of the shower on. Again, for a society with hooves, it's still a wonder how they're able to operate this kind of shit.
As I waited a bit for the shower to heat up, I thought I'd I take a quick look at myself in the mirror. In my reflection there stood a skinny, olive-skinned twenty-something with a serious case of bed-head who looked a little worse-for-ware, but nothing a good 'S' procedure can't fix. After all, with the amount of wine and beer that went into my system, it's a wonder how I'm still able to get up, heh.
Okay, I'll be honest, After finding out I was stuck here, I'll admit, I had a few drinks to help..ease into the whole situation- just a few though, and last night was a bit of a party so I may, or may not, have had a few too many drinks but that's pretty much to be expected though, right? I mean, if you're gonna have that much alcohol at a banquet like that, how can one, not go a little overboard, I mean either way it was bound to happen.
So don't get the wrong idea about me, I'm fine. As I said, it's not like I'm leaving anything behind back on earth.
All that aside, as I continued looking at my lanky goblin of a body, I felt the steam of the shower envelope me as if it was calling to me, Whelp, no time like the present, taking off my underoos, I placed them onto the toilet as well and entered the heavenly scented shower, scrubbing every part that I felt I've neglected for some time.
Cleaning away the grime and beneath my coin-purse, I let my mind take a bit of a wonder as Ithe water droplets hit my body.
It was pretty late in the afternoon after all, so I guess the only thing I could think of us what exactly to do today?
I knew damn well that breakfast was out of the friggin question for sure, so much for getting some hotcakes, and damn would that sound good right fucking now!
I guess I could go over to that dive bar south of here, they make some pretty bomb-ass drinks, not to mention they make a pretty dope tuna melt. But it's a little farther south and, I don't think I got the energy to all the way there just to get a tuna melt.
You're probably thinking, why not just take a carriage cab there? Well, to put it bluntly, let's just say that mistaking the back of the taxi cab for a toilet and berating the driver to tears kind of fucks up your rep with the entire unit. And now, like many other ponies, I'm pretty much ban from the entire service.
And I already know what your thinking, but that option was a brick wall too. I could have gone with another taxi cab, but the entire service seems to be a pretty tight-knit community so if one person knows, the whole service does.
With that option like T.I's and Justin Timberlake's song, all I had left was what was closets to me with was this quaint little donut shop that barb took me to my first week here. It was pretty much like those old school fifties bars you'd see in the deep country.
The mare who runs it seems pretty cool, and she and Barb seem to have this pretty tight friendship so might as well exploit it as much as I can. I know it may seem shitty to you, but I could honestly give less of a shit about what she thinks, and besides, I might be able to charm that old mare and get some blueberry donuts and some glazed ones too.
I'd say she's about in her forties, maybe her early fifties, so anything positive about her I say, I might get something good out of it.
That might work, I thought to myself, I mean when was the last time any actually told her she looks good. Even for a pony, that make-up she's got on ain't coverin' shit for those crows feet.
After that, I pretty much planned the rest of my day in the shower right there and then. I do my best thinking in the bath, after all, guess you could say I'm a modern-day Einstien.
After shmoozing the donut lady, I could take a trip over to the park, watch the birds and clouds go by, or at least when the pegasi are moving them. Yeah fun fact, turns out physics in Equestria is super fucked. Not gonna get too much into it because Dusk Shine explaining it to me almost gave me an aneurism but to summarize it, the clouds don't move on their own, and instead are pushed around by those winged ponies who, for some fucking reason, have this ability to push water and air molecules around like furniture.
Not just them, but ever earth ponies, which wee just these regular-ass looking ponies, had these abilities to sort of mess with the earth or some shit and, in a way, they were basically like Poison Ivy. They had the ability to help grow crops and plants and stuff faster, and in general help with all the farm and agricultural work in Equestria.
Again, this place would have made Newton, Hawking, Einstien, and to some extent, Darwin shit their collective pants.
That little tidbit aside, I could just watch the clouds for a bit before going to my favorite shop in the whole world; the ~~liqour~~ library, and read up on some good books, and learn more about this place. Yeah that's it, the library
And after that, get a good night's sleep like usual. Maybe with a good drink of wine before bed, it helps me sleep faster.
With that plan inset, and the luke-warm water not dousing my body, I knew my time was up.
Turning the valve off, I grabbed the nearest towel I could find and wrapped it around myself before stepping out of the shower and grabbing up all my clothes from the back of the john.
The steam should have at least done something to them, make them sell a little less shitty than usual.
Before I left, I looked towards the mirror, and, using one of my socks, I wiped the fog away to get a better look at myself, and -to no one's surprise- I still looked like shit, but not as bad as before. At least now I don't look like some hobo, can't wait to see that fucking kid's face so I can tell him off, like he's never seen a grown man- stallion-whatever, pissing in the fountain. Hell, he looks about Barb's age-in a physical sense- and she's pretty much use to it, so what's his damage?
Anyway, after a quick check in the mirror, I opened the door and walked back out into the hall to head back to my room and get dressed.
"Fucking tie," I grumbled to myself, as I made my way from the guest bedrooms into the main area of the castle to see if I could find a quick meal to eat in the kitchen.
It's been a while since I last wore the damn thing so sue me if I forgot how to tie it.
Anyway, I walked my way over into the dining area, hoping to find something to snack on, that was until I ended up running into a certain someone, or as they say, some'pony'. God that made me cringe.
Walking out of the kitchen, almost as if on purpose, there the protocol son of a bitch himself, Prince Dusk Shine.
"Oh, Anon!" Dusk Shine shouted in what I could only assume was feigned surprise, "I wasn't expecting to see you,"
"You weren't expecting to see me, the only human in this castle, to walk into the dining room to go to the kitchen?"
The Alicorn, which was some concoction of a pegasus and a unicorn, laughed sheepishly, "Oh well, I was just fixing to make some lunch ya know?"
I rolled my eyes, I swear this guy would look for any excuse to make small take, and if anything that's the one thing that pisses me off is people attempting to make small talk when it's unnecessary. If there's nothing to talk about, don't say anything.
"Right," I disregarded, "Anyway, I need to get some lunch too, so..."
"Oh right," Dusk replied as I made my way over the kitchen.
But before I could even get into the kitchen, Dusk Shine stuck his hoof out before me like some bully in those shitty Disney channel movies, "Actually" he began his voice sounding a bit guilty as he saw the irritated look on my face, "I was wondering if you and I could, have a little talk,"
"A talk?"
"I just wanted to chat about something,"
Talk about something, the second that thought entered my mind, it was only then I realize what he was getting at, "Let me guess, it's something' important' isn't it?"
Dusk Shine sheepishly rubbed his head, "You could say that yeah," he chuckled a bit, before it died off, as he noticed my deadpan expression, "Well um, just take a seat over at the table please,"
Oh, for fuck's sake what is it, I groaned as I made my way over to the long table where Dusk sat at the head, and I sat at the right side of him.
From what Barb told me, it was something important, so it better damn well be for him to be acting like this.
The second I sate down, there was a bit of awkward silence, with Dusk simply smiling at me, and I just staring at him waiting for the monotony to end.
Breaking the silence, I finally spoke, "Well," I began "What is it,"
Dusk, like he was about to give some kind of briefing, cleared his throat, "Well, Anon," he began, "As you know, it's been about two and a half years since you've stayed with us in his castle.
Yeah, I groaned internally, waiting for the shit bomb he had waiting for me.
"And during this time, I have to admit, it's been...quite the adventure having you at the palace,"
Adventure, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
"Well-I'm not really sure how to say this-Anon, I-"
As Dusk stuttered like the rain man, I frowned, what the fuck was up with this guy? It almost sounds like he was going to fire me or something...
Wait...Why does he sound like he was going to fire me?
Once that thought crossed my mind, Dusk still was having trouble finding his words, "Well, Anon, I'll be blunt," he finally said, "While we appreciate your company-"
A sudden laugh from the kitchen interjected into dusk words, take a good guess who it is. Hint, she's like Kyle's mom.
"Barb!" Dusk scolded at his dragon assistant before clearing his throat again, "Anyway, while I your company I feel that- and please don't take this the wrong way- but it seems to me you have a bit of a...problem,"
"Problem," I repeated, slightly offended by what he meant by that "Thet hell do you mean by that?"
Before he could even respond, the prince of friendship pulled out a long list of paper slips each one longer than the last. From my angle, I could make out some numbers and text on each one. And from what I could make out, some of the text looked familiar, almost too familiar.
"Well," Dusk said, "As you know, to sort of help you out on your first week here in Equestria, I thought I'd give you a Bit Charge card as a means of emergency to sort of help you out considering your kind of currency was, not to sound rude, but useless here,"
"No shit," I replied, "I got laughed out of that deli when I showed them my money,"
"Yes, quite," he agreed, "that being said, that card there is connected to my finances, so when I make a bit of money from the treasury, That also goes back into your card. So, I was hoping that that bit of money would last until you went back home,"
"But-" he looked up at me and, with that same sheepish smile, chuckled, "we know it didn't really turn out like that, hehe," I gave him a blank stare, and that stupid chuckle of his died down, "Um, well then, it's been two years and it seems to me you've made quite the purchases on this little card here,"
Now let it be known, I wasn't stupid, I knew what he meant, again, I had a little speel of depression when I was told I was stuck here, and honestly, it shouldn't be that surprising. But again, I got better, so so what I bought a few things to help make myself feel better, not like all of them were bad or anything. But hell, I'll humor him. "What kind of purchases?" I asked, leaning in a bit to see the rest of the receipts.
Dusk sighed, "Well," he began, before using his magic to pick up one of the notes and read it aloud, "You've bought a total of almost fifty thousand bits in alcohol; mostly wines and beers,"
I shrugged, "What, I can't have a drink every now and then?"
"Well, it's one thing to have a drink every now and then, but ti's another when it's almost every day,"
I rolled my eyes, "Whatever,"
"On to the next one," Dusk continued, "you purchase a number of comics-"
"What I can't have a little-"
"Erotic comics." He stated boldly. I closed my mouth as soon as he said that. I'll admit, being the only human on another planet can make you lonely, but no way in hell was I going native and stick my dick in any of these fucking animals. Last time I checked, I'm not a British Prime Minister.
"L-like I said, I can't have a comic collection?"
"Only a guy like you would have a collection of porn comics," a certain bitchy dragon quipped as she left the kitchen carrying a tray of teacups and a steaming kettle of tea. Dusk sighed once again, as he simply gave the dragon girl disapproving eyes as she set the cups at our table.
"Anyways," he said in a much harsher tone this time, "You also made a number of purchases from other liquor stories aside from wines and beers, and you've even bought a number of imported items-" he sat the paper down, "What I'm getting at here Anon, is that-"
"Were not made of bits you know," Barb interjected in her usual manner.
"Barbra!" Dusk scolded, "It's alright I've got this,"
"I'm sorry Dusk but-" she turned to me and glared, "This guy's been running you dry for years now, do you know how much he makes?"
"How the fuck am I supposed to know, It's not my job to keep up with that,"
"Of course it's not your job, because if you did, you'd be getting paid for it, and working, instead of sleeping all day like the drunk piece of shit that you are, "
"Barbra!"
"Seriously, when was the last time you weren't hungover?"
As Barb went on, I unintentionally balled my fist. It's not like I was going to hist her or anything, but I don't much care for being told off like a kid who got caught stealing. Who the fuck was she to tell me off like that, "Look here," I hissed, "I don't know what crawled up your ass this morning-afternoon- what the fuck ever time it is, but you're the last fucking person I want to tell me off,"
Barb scoffed, "It's not like you'll listen to anyone else. Anytime someone tries to help, you just tell them to piss off and you just go right back to drinking, like the alcoholic dick you are!"
"At least I'm not some brown-nosing bitch!"
"That's enough!" a thunderous voice called us out of our feud, causing us to turn Dusk Shine who looked like he was about to blow a gasket, "Barbra go back into the kitchen, now!" he commanded loudly, and the young dragon girl, with a guilty look on her face, walked back into the kitchen, but not before giving me one last look.
Once she was out of view, his death gaze turned to me, "And I'll have you know, that you have no right to call her something so nasty,"
"But she-"
"Don't even start that," he interjected, "I don't care, that was still uncalled for! Now take your seat!"
I probably would have told him off, but honestly, I wasn't in the mood for another one of his hour-long lectures, so I just went on with it and took my seat.
Dusk sat back down as well, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down before continuing, "Okay, I'll just get right to it," he said, "Anon, I'm cutting you off,"
The second those words left his mouth my mouth dropped a-fucking-gape, "W-what the fuck does that mean?"
"What is mean is, I've given you chances to help you make a little money on your own, or at least enough until you could pay me back-" he levitated the list over to me, "But that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon, and I can't just keep up with covering not just for these charges, but for the number of time's I've had to bail out of jail for half the crap you've done in Canterlot," He proceeded to pull out another list of papers, this time in a folder, and open them up, "from public intoxication, assaulting an officer of the law, and not to mention, your constant indecent exposure cases-that poor colt,"
"Poor colt?" I parroted, "It's not my fault, that kid happened to be there!"
"You shouldn't have been shitting in the bushes in the first place!" he rebutted before taking a few quick breaths to calm him down, "Look, bits don't grow on trees, so from now one, until you can find a job, Your cut off from the royal bank account,"
After that, using his magic, he pulled out a familiar-looking blue and white card, and using his ability, he cut it in half before my face.
I simply stared at the sliced remains of the card in shock. And that shock quickly turned into anger. Who the well was this guy to 'cut' me off from the credit card like I was some sort of teen girl. I mean, I've gotten the whole, money doesn't grow on trees speech a number of times. But Dusk, or anyone of these pony fucks for that matter, were the last people I needed to hear it from.
Their whole society treated gemstones like diamonds and pearls like fucking nothing, so who are they to tell me about fucking economics and shit!
I could have told him off right there and then, but you know what, I could give less of a shit about him. Besides, I had plans to make anyway. I had to go see a more about her donut holes, and that isn't a euphemism for anything.
I got up from the table, "Whatever, I'm going outside," and left the table in a huff, but not before flipping the 'Prince of Friendship' the bird. Hard.
Without another word, I slammed open the doors of the dining room and exited into the hall leaving behind two of the biggest pain in the asses I've had to deal with.
As I walked further and further, I could still hear Dusk let out a small sigh of what I could only assume was of disappointment. But I could care less about what that asshole thinks about me. He's can't cut me off like that, Canterlot's pretty fuckin huge, I can find a way to make some money.
This should be a fucking breeze!
