You have to hurry!
Today’s the last day you can claim your winning lottery ticket!
You’re still vaguely lightheaded and giddy from the whole thing. You always believed the lottery was just a total waste of 5 bits per week, but for some reason you decided to buy a ticket this week.
And you won the jackpot! 25 million bits! You’ll never have to work again! You can buy whatever you want!
You have all day to claim the ticket, but you made sure to get up bright and early (it’s only just past 7am right now) and get down to the post office to cash your winning ticket in.
*SMASH!*
You go sprawling across the ground as something smashes into you at top speed. As soon as you recover from the dizziness of being knocked over, you turn around to find out what smashed into you.
Or rather, who smashed into you.
A grey pegasus with a yellow mane and a cutie mark of bubbles is laying on the ground, her eyes twirling around from the crash as if she were in a cartoon.
You go over to her side and help her up.
“Are you okay?” you ask her.
“Haha… yep!” she says. She suddenly looks worried. “Oh! I crashed into you didn’t I! I’m so sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was going because I was in a hurry to-“
You cut her off. “Don’t worry about it, nobody got hurt,” you assure her. She smiles at you.
You notice one of her eyes appears to look in a different direction to the other eye. You decide not to mention it in case she finds it to be a sensitive subject.
“Still, I’m sorry for crashing into you. I was in a hurry, see, because I was making muffins to give to Sugarcube Corner,” she explains.
“Cool,” you say, not really listening. Your head kind of hurts from the crash.
“Mrs. Cake asked me to help her because she got a really big order from some guy named Fancypants in Canterlot and she and Mr. Cake just can’t fill an order that size. So I offered to help them!” Derpy says.
Something about her is drawing you in – perhaps it is her infectious optimism which appears to be spreading to you and lightening your mood, or perhaps it’s the fact she selflessly offered to assist Sugarcube Corner for no charge. You feel compelled to help her.
“Hey,” you say. “I’m actually a pretty good cook. Do you want me to help you make the muffins?”
Derpy’s eyes light up at this. “Sure!” she says. “My house is over here! Follow me!”
At that, she flies into the air before managing somehow to turn upside down and smash straight into a brick wall. You initially fear she might have hurt herself, but she starts giggling about it immediately. You can’t help but join in.
“Thanks so much for all your help!” Derpy says as she takes a fresh tray of muffins out of the oven. “We can give these to Sugarcube Corner right now!”
“Um, hey, mind if I stay back?” you nervously say. “I dunno if I’m welcome at Sugarcube Corner anymore.”
“Huh?” Derpy says. “Why not?”
“I’d rather not go into it,” you say. “Anyway!” You attempt to change the subject. “Is there anything else we need to bake?”
Derpy takes off her chef’s hat which she seemed to get out of nowhere (and you still can’t decide whether it looked adorable or comical on her) and smiles at you. “Nope! We’re done!”
“Awesome. So, I guess I’ll be leaving…” you say with an air of sadness. You had warmed up to Derpy a lot during the morning you had spent with her, and leaving now felt… wrong, somehow. But you weren’t about to invite yourself to stay.
“Oh… already?” Derpy says. “I was having fun.”
“Yeah… me too,” you say. “I can stay, if you want… I mean, I thought I should go but if you wouldn’t mind me staying…”
This had gotten a little awkward.
Derpy somehow managed to completely destroy the awkwardness by leaping forward and gripping you in a hug. “Yay!” she squeals adorably.
You and Derpy have been talking all day. It feels like only minutes have passed, but it’s well into the late afternoon now. You feel like you have known Derpy forever.
You somehow ended up sat together in her garden. You’re currently watching the sunset together.
“I love the sunset,” Derpy says.
“So do I,” you agree.
“It’s even better when you have someone special to share it with,” Derpy says. You cringe at her use of such a clichéd line. Wait, did she say someone special?
“Oh, I didn’t realize you had a coltfriend!” you say.
She looks at you with a look of bewilderment. “Huh?”
“A marefriend?” you guess again.
“I don’t have a coltfriend or a marefriend,” Derpy says.
“Oh, sorry. I thought you did, since you said you liked to watch the sunset with ‘someone special’,” you say.
She laughs the cutest laugh you’ve ever heard – kind of a mixture between a giggle and a snort, and her snout crunches up in the process. “Haha, I was talking about you!” she giggles.
You take a moment to digest this information. “Huh?” is the best response you can come up with.
Derpy smiles again. “I dunno… I just like you. You’re easy to talk to… sometimes I have trouble talking to people. And you haven’t said anything about my eye. Some people just seem to go on about it forever,” she says. Her smile quickly disappears and is replaced by a look of embarrassment. “Um, I hope I’m not creeping you out or anything.”
“No! Not at all!” you quickly say. “I like you a lot too.”
You stare into her eyes for a second, and she stares into yours. Slowly, you move towards each other until you’re locked in a kiss.
You break the kiss and stare into her eyes again. She has tears of happiness sparkling in her eyes, and she’s smiling. On top of all that, the sunset is reflecting off her eyes… she looks gorgeous right now.
How did you get into this?
After kissing Derpy, you went back inside together and started kissing again on her sofa, and now somehow you’re in her bedroom with her lying back on the bed and staring up at you, biting her lip and giving you the bedroom eyes.
Not that you’re complaining – everything seems perfect right now.
You cuddle Derpy again on the bed. She kisses you again. Then she spreads her legs to allow you to enter her… but you suddenly get a thought.
“Hey Derpy,” you say. “Do you want to try, um…” there’s no easy way to put this, you think. “Do you want to try anal?” You immediately wince after saying it.
“Huh?” Derpy says. “Like… in the…”
“Yeah,” you say. “Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to try it. You can say no, of course, I don’t want to force anyth-“
She interrupts you. “Sure!” she says.
Woah. You didn’t expect her to agree that easily. You didn’t expect her to agree at all.
“One sec!” she says and leaves the room.
Wow, you think to yourself. Anal with a girl! At last!
You hear Derpy walking back into the room. Your cock is so hard right now.
“Okay, ready!” she says.
You look down to see that Derpy is wearing a strap-on. A huge, black, hard, cold, plastic dildo strap-on.
“Uhhh… what?” you say.
“Oh god, did I mishear you or get it wrong or something?!” Derpy asks, panicking. “I thought you said anal!”
“I did, but…” you begin.
“Oh good, I thought I’d misheard you. Can you imagine how awkward this would have been?” she chuckles.
You attempt to speak to tell her she’s got the situation the wrong way round, but you can’t seem to say anything. You’re crippled by embarrassment.
You are about to allow yourself to be anally penetrated by a huge black dildo because you’re too embarrassed to say anything.
You bend over. This is so horrible. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever. You bury your face in your arms and start whimpering. This is gonna hurt so much. Oh god.
“Um… are you okay?” Derpy asks.
“I’m fine!” you choke out. “Just do it!”
You feel the bed sink behind you as Derpy takes position behind you.
This is going to HURT so MUCH.
You gasp in pain as the dildo slides into you. This is horrific. It takes all your effort not to scream out.
‘Oh god,’ you think. ‘this is horrible. Maybe it’ll be better if I just imagine it’s Big Mac mounting me and-‘
What the hell?! Where did that thought come from?
The dildo is thrust inside you once more. You whimper.
“Oh! Am I doing this wrong?” Derpy asks worriedly.
“No! It’s perfect! It’s just what I’ve always wanted,” you lie.
“You don’t look like you’re enjoying it,” Derpy says.
“I am,” you lie.
She rams the dildo in again. You bite your tongue to resist the urge to scream. Your asshole is getting so torn up right now.
You decide to attempt to at least fake enjoyment.
You mutter some mindless dirty talk without really thinking about what you’re saying. “Yeah, fuck me so hard that your shit eye rolls right around!” you say without any passion or enthusiasm.
She suddenly stops, jumps backwards away from you (which causes the dildo to be agonizingly ripped from your ass) and turns to face you, tears welling up in her eyes. “W…w-what?” she asks.
“What’s wrong?” you ask.
“My eye… it’s… did you have to draw attention to it?!” she asks. “Why would you do that! I thought you liked me! Why would you mock me?!”
Derpy sprints away from the room in tears.
“Derpy! No! Wait!” you yell. You jump off the bed and run after her. “I didn’t mean it! Derpy!”
She runs outside and off into the night.
“Oh, god no! NO!” you scream.
You suddenly become aware of the burning pain in your ass. You look down to see a trickle of blood travelling down your leg.
You've screwed up everything with Derpy and your ass is in the worst pain ever.
You need to smash something before you explode with anger!
You bring your hoof down to smash the coffee table to relieve your anger. Unfortunately, your hoof smashes right through the table and continues on it’s trajectory, colliding incredibly forcefully with your erect penis.
The pain is blinding and you collapse to the floor in a wave of agony. Still, your anger grows. You’re so stressed, it feels like you’re having a heart attack!
Which is probably because you’re having a stress-induced heart attack.
You wake up in a soft bed.
“Are you awake now?” you turn your head to the source of the voice. “I’m nurse Tenderheart.”
“Uh… am I gonna be okay?” you ask.
“You’ll be just fine as long as you avoid stressful situations,” she smiles.
"Okay, I'll relax," you say. You think of calm, tranquil waters. You think of beautiful, blue fields.
Nurse Tenderheart smiles at you sympathetically. "Yeah, that was the jackpot of all heart attacks..."
"Oh, right... OH, FUCK THE JACKPOT! THE LOTTERY! FUCKING FUCK!" you scream.
"What? What's wrong?" Tenderheart asks.
"Turn the TV on! Turn it on now!" you yell. Tenderheart switches the TV above your bed on.
There's a newsreader on the TV. “And in other news,” the newsreader says, “the highest winning lottery ticket of all time was not cashed in. Sadly for the unknown winner, it is now too late for the winnings to be collected. The unclaimed 25 million bits will be returned to the lottery fund.”
"Um.. N-nurse?!" you ask.
"What's wrong?" Tenderheart asks.
"You know how you said to avoid stressful situations..."
