My Little Ponies The Hitler Stories
Sha-ba-bow-bow-pa-pow, went the machine guns of the Nazi soldiers, cutting down ponies by the thousands.
"Ve must hold ze line!" the Nazi commander said in German. "Zey cannot reach ze fuhrer!"
"Mein Kommander," said a low ranked Nazi, probably like a private or whatever Nazis ranked their soldiers as.
"Vhat is it?!" cried the commander in his funny accent. "Speak or be sent to ze gulags!"
"I bring a message from ze high command. Ze fucker is safe in ze bunker vis his family."
"Mein gott, finally, vis ze fuhrer safe, ve can abandon zis front. Tear down ze tents and vacate ze trenches and get ze tanks, ve are LEAVING!" the kommander yelled, and his hair piece fell off. He picked it up from the mud and said some more German bad words.
"Sir!" said Flash Magnus.
"Report, soldier," said Shining Armor.
"The enemy is retracting."
"Very good. We lost some damn fine men today, but god damn it, their sacrifice wasn't in vain."
"That was the good news."
"Okay so what's the bad news?"
"They managed to secure the furry in a bunker. Our mission to kill Hitler cannot succeed while he is safe in a fortified fortress."
"Damn it! All the lives lost were in vain!"
"Sir, there's more."
"Spit it out, soldier!"
"Yes sir!"
"Spit it out, soldier!"
"Yes sir!"
"So what's the other news?"
"Sir, there may be a way into the fortiried bunker. It is only fortnite on the outside but there is a weak point if we can dig in with the help of Rockhoof!"
"My god, the men who died today may not have died in vain."
"Sir, he already has a tunnel half way there. We may see this thing through yet, Oh Captain My Captain."
"Very good, Flash Mangus. You may at ease for oh-two hundred hours in the mess hall, but don't go too AWOL."
Both ponies laughed at Shining Armor's funny joke, and Flash Magnus went for his shore leave in the mess hall.
"Sir!" said a german at a station with lights and screens and stuff. "Seismic activity detected under ze ground!"
"Is ze earthqvake machine acting up again?" replied the commander.
"Negative, sir. Ze radar is picking up ponies under ze ground. Zey are digging faster zan our secret giant drill!"
"Vhat?! Impossible! Zis bunker is impenetrable! Zey vill never make it through ze concrete floors!"
"Mein gott! Zey are past ze outer perimeter. Zey are directly below us!"
The radar beeped, and a little pony-shaped blob moved every time the scanning line thing went past it.
Boop-dooooo...
Boop-dooooo...
Boop-dooooo...
A bead of Nazi sweat formed on both their brows as they watched the dot move.
Then it stopped.
The commander sighed. "Good. Zey are stuck at ze--"
There was a loud bump directly below them, and the sitting-down Nazi's chair jumped up a little.
"No more games!" The commander shrieked at the top of his das lungens. He pressed the soldier button and there were soldiers. "Ready! Aim!"
All the soldiers aimed their M60 machine guns down at the floor.
"Fire!"
Every AR15 went off at once, and bullets went in the ground as the sound of a hundred AK47s firing 50 caliber Full Metal Jacket rounds filled the seismic radar room.
"Zey are still closing in! 500 meters!" said the scientist.
"Keep firing!" the captain ordered, and the soldiers pushed the triggers harder to make their guns shoot faster, and the commander could barely hear a pin drop among the noise of M16 rifles. "Ve cannot let zem kill ze fuhror!"
"400 meters!" the radio guy said.
Surely nothing could still be alive down there.
"300 meters! Zey are almost inside ze concrete!"
"Do you men vant to spend ze next hundred years in ze gulags?" the commander threatened, and the soldiers saluted amd kept shooting into the ground.
Rockhoof dug like his life depended on it because it did, because it was his duty as an American soldier.
"Och! Ah cannae break through the concrete like this! Ah've not seen rain so bad since the storms over Glasgow!" Rockhoof said in his thick American accent as he held his shovel over his head to block bullets from above.
As a bullet hit his shovel, however, he could hear the way that it was, and he knew they were hollow point rounds. Hollow, like digging. Which meant...
He tilted his shovel just the right way so that the bullets went straight back at from to where they were coming which.
The dirt and concrete melted insanely, and made a hole bigger than enough for him to fit through, and he jumped up inside the ferretfied bunker full of Nazis, and they shot at him with their SMGs, but you know what they say, the shovel is mightier than the sword, so his shovel swang around in a circle and took out all the Nazis, and they stopped shooting because they were knocked out, and Rockhoof whipped sweat off his brow, and then suddenly a pin dropped, and he knew it was too late, because the gernade rolled into front of him, and he gulped and said "I will miss you, Yona," and he was blown to tiny American smithereens.
"His death won't be in vain!" said Shining Armor as he charged inside the bunker through the whole.
Many Nazis were waiting with bayonets and muskets, but Shining Armor knew how to defeat Charlie was the element of surprise, the secret 7th element of harmony. It was on his neck, so when he came he yelled "Surprise!" And all the Nazis were surprised, and they had trigger finger frostbite, for they lacked Skinnerian training unlike Shining Armor, and he stabbed them all with his spear.
"Mein leben!" they cried as they died.
Soon the halls were filled of dead Nazis who spent their last monents twisting their bodies into the shape of swastikas so that their corpses could be symbolic of their eternal loyalty to Alfred Hitler.
And then there was his door. It said "A.H." in plastic letters. Shining Armor tried the door knob, but it was locked.
No matter. He was a former Navy Seal, and he knew how to make semtex. He took out his MRE packs and went absolutely AWOL on them, ripping them to shreds and mixing together chewing gum, sugar, gunpowder, powdered zinc, flour, sawdust, and toothpaste. Soon, he had a small bomb that would do more than just knock on the door if you know what I mean.
"I bid you adoor," he said as he hit the detonator.
Beep.
Ka-bla-blowie-bazoom!
The door was reduced to steel splinters.
Inside was Adolf Hitchcock and his family sitting on a couch shaped like a swastika. He was with his beautiful wife and 3 kids. They were all laughing and playing connect four.
"Damn it, nobody said nothing about no kids," Shining Armor laminated. He could kill a Nazi if he was 18 or over, but not kids. Nothing justifies killing kids. Not even Doom music.
He stank to the floor in a pile of puddle, and sobbed like a real human (even though he was a pony but human as in not a Nazi).
Hitler and his family got away to safely back in deep Germany where nopony could find them.
"It seems they all died in vain," Shining Armor cried, and if he had a shirt, he would have ripped it off, but all he had was armor, and that was too strong to rip off even for how sad he was then.
One Nazi came around the corner carrying a tray of Nazi tea, and dropped it, and wet himself in fear, and Shining Armor killed him, and that made him feel a little better, but he was still inconsolable for the rest of the day.
Back in War Camp, in his tent with the generals to be specific, Shining Armor was crying, and the other military guys said it's okay, you did your best, etc.
But Shining Armor knew he had more to do. There was always more.
And besides, the war wasn't over.
The real war had only just begun.
Author's Note
To be contintued?!
If you wanna see more, smash that button. Any button. Just press buttons, and I'll write more.
P.s...... I hope I don't get in troble for telling the recipe for semtex.
My Little Ponies The Hitler Stories
Shining Armor sat with the Emperor of Japan, Naruhito, and they discussed the new plan.
Satellite footage revealed Hitler was hiding out in Pearl Harbor. America refused to believe it, because they were too busy playing baseball and eating cracker jacks and throwing shrimps on the barbie and whatnot. So, the ponies had to turn to Japan, which was America's closest ally, but secretly.
"Naruhito-sama-senpai," Shining Armor said with utmost respect for Japanese culture, "we believe we must bomb Pearl Harbor to defeat Hitler."
Naruhito bowed deeply to the pony, for he felt much honor for him. "We are secretly allies with America, and we hope to sell them many mangas and dakimakuras 80 years from now, but if it means defeating Hitler-san, we will break our alliance temporarily. The Americans are quick to anger, like the sacred gods of the forests and Inuyasha, but it will be worth it in the end."
Shining Armor sipped his tea, and it was the greatest tea he ever had, made from a real Japanese tea set with cool hand painted designs on the cups and saucers and on the teapot too. He shed a single tear for all the lives that would be lost in defeating Hitler, but he knew they wouldn't be lost in vain.
Armed with an authentic Japanese Katana, forged by the true masters of their time, folded over ten thousand times in the heat of Mount Fuji itself, tested on real POWs by cutting them in half, sharpened to a deadly edge over the course of a century by an ancient Ninja clan, made from the purest and hardest steel mined from the Earth's core itself, its sheath fashioned from the Emperor's own cypress tree that he personally planted as a child, handle made from the same wood and wrapped in the cloth of the kings it had slain, anointed with their blood, blessed by the gods themselves, and signed by the CEO of Nintendo, Shining Armor climbed into the cockpit of a B17 Bomber with a Japanese pilot at the wheel.
"One ticket to Pearl Harbor, please," Shining Armor joked, and the pilot didn't get it because he didn't speak Pony.
"Nani," the pilot said.
"Round trip preferably," Shining Armor quipped like a quick-witted quipper-snapper.
And then he went silent as a grave, knowing this pilot was about to lose his life in the glorious quest of assassination Hitler project. He prayed to the gods above that the sacrifice would not be in vain.
And they were off. The plane did a vertical takeoff and blasted into second gear as they broke sound and went hypersonic, kaBOOM! The ground below was fuzzy from their speed, and not because of fur growing on the ground, and Shining Armor vomited into a bag because he got air sickness.
As soon as they crossed the international date line into US territory, because Hawaii wasn't a state yet, just a territory, they fired all their guns at the beach, and bullets ripped America's beautiful shores to pieces. President Hoover or Kennedy or whoever it was at the time shed a tear and saluted the many lives about to be lost in vain as the B17 bomber ripped open countryside with its twin vulcan 30mm cannons, until they reached Pearl Harbor itself.
"Alright, pilot-sama, it's time to hit the ler. Catch you on the flip side," Shining Armor said as he jumped out of the plane and used his parachute. The plane did a divebomb Bonzai attack and exploded itself against a ship, and many Americans were lost.
Shining Armor pulled out his binoculars and looked around for Hitler while he was still 30,000 feet in the air and had the perfect advantage point. Then he saw him. He was on the beach playing chess with his kids with what looked to be a five minute time control with no increment, and he was absolutely destroying the little turds, who kept taking too long to make a move and then panicking when their time got low and blundered pieces away.
"Dammit!" Shining Armor sweared. "Nobody didn't say nothing about no kids," he lamented. He put away his tac-70 SMG with a silencer and scope and custom foregrip but no carvings or anything dumb like that.
It seemed all the Japanese lives lost would be wasted after all, for he could not kill a man in front of his own children. Not even Hitler.
But then a idea came to him's brain.
"But then again, if the kids are dead..."
He nodded with determinator. All he had to do was arrange a little "accident" that he didn't cause directly, to make the kids not be alive to see their own father die before their very eyes.
Shin Armor didn't know much about Pearl Harbor or how he would slip the chlorine into their breakfast, but he had to do it for America and for all of ponies.
Finally he landed, and the alarum bells rangalang-dang-dong-ding, and the Americans were shooting their guns at the sky, even the civilians, because they all owned guns. Luckily that was just the distraction he needed.
He shuffled out of his parachute backpack harness thing and went to a nearby hotel. The employees were all outside shooting at the Japanese tourists in their airplanes, so he easily snuck inside, and found the cleaning closet and a big bottle full of chlorine. He took a sip to make sure it would be lethal, and when he was satisfied, he brought it back out to the beach.
Hitler was there, facing away. The perfect opportunity. He army-crawled up to the snack cooler and dumped the bleach all over their sandwiches. That was sure to deal with the kids.
"Daddy, may I have a sandvich, mein furrer?" one child asked.
"Ja," Hitler replied.
Oh no, gotta think fast. So Shining Armor thunk fast, and vibrated himself at the frequency of sand so that he sunk into the sand and he was under the sand just as the Hitler kid walked over him and took a Windex-covered sandwich from the killer, I mean cooler.
"Now's my chance," China Armor said.
"Who said zat?" asked Hitler, spinning around 360 no scope in disbleief.
"It was me!" Shining Armor said and he popped out of the sand with his Bowie knife, and stabbed Hitler while his kids screamed.
"Haha, you sink a silly little knife can hurt me?" Hitler taunted.
"You must due," Shinng Armor said and stabbed him again, right through his heart.
Unfortunately, Shining Armor forgot Hitler's heart was on his left side instead of right, so he actually missed all his vital info.
Hitler grabbed the knife handle and pulled it out, shaking his head and waggling a finger.
"Nein, nein, nein, naughty pony. Zis vill be your last hoorah!"
Suddenly, Hitler charged with the knife, and Shining Armor used his Ju Jitsu training to do a backflip out of the way mere minutes before the knife touched him.
"It seems we are evenly matched."
"Hitler, dear, ve must get back to our room for ze free lunch," Eva Brown said.
"You're lucky for now, pony," Hitler said, dropping the knife.
"I will assassinate you one day, Hitler!" Shining Armor cried (as in yelled, but he was also crying).
And then Hitler was gone.
"I have failed yet again," Shining Armor said. As he walked back to Japan, he shed many tears for the lives lost in vain that gruesome day.
