She's Everywhere, She's Everywhere!
The city of Ponyville is a sprawling metropolis. It has one mid sized bakery, a library set inside a hollow tree, and nothing else of much note.
One weekend, Mayor Mare was reading the newspaper. She took a sip of coffee and called for her assistant.
"Raven!" Her assistant, Raven, poked her head through the door, a clipboard clutched in one hoof.
"Yes, madam mayor?" She asked. Mayor Mare gestured to her newspaper.
"What do you make of this headline?" Raven read the headline.
"Evil is up, crime is down," she read. "You're right, that is somewhat confusing."
"Raven, I'll be honest with you," said Mayor Mare. "Life here in Ponyville is not as easy as it once was. Sin and debauchery are through the roof!"
"Madam mayor," asked Raven, "Wasn't it you who legalized all that sin and debauchery?" Mayor Mare raised an eyebrow.
"Now why would I do a thing like that?" She asked in surprise. Raven glanced down at her clipboard.
"According to this, you did it to make Ponyville 'a swinging place to live'."
"And it was swinging!" declared Mayor Mare as she thumped her hoof on her desk. "But now it's too swinging! I need a way to make evil go down in this city. I need a new, special kind of crime fighter. A pony to strike terror into the hearts of vicious criminals everywhere. Something like a religious fanatic."
Raven cocked an eyebrow. "Shall I put an ad in the paper, madam mayor?" Mayor Mare nodded.
"Yes, offer the position of crime fighter to any and all willing applicants. By Celestia, we will stamp out sin and debauchery in this fair city once and for all!"
…
Early the next day, Pinkamena Diane Pie set out for the local costume shop. The jingling of a bell announced her entry into the store. The storekeeper looked up and smiled.
"Ah, Pinkie Pie, one of my best customers! Tell me, what kind of costume are you looking for today?"
"I have a very particular kind of costume in mind, dear shopkeeper," declared Pinkie. "For you see, I am about to embark on a noble crusade. I require a costume which will strike terror into the hearts of vicious criminals everywhere. Do you have anything like that?"
The shopkeeper blinked in confusion, then nodded. "Of course, of course I have something for you!" He reached down behind his counter and pulled out a costume. "How about this, yes?" Pinkie eyed the costume uncertainly.
"I don't know," she said slowly. "Are you sure this costume will strike terror into the hearts of vicious criminals everywhere?"
"Oh, of course, of course, do not worry! Wear this, and ponies will tremble in your presence! Your name shall be spoken only in hushed whispers! None shall ever again feel safe, knowing that they live in the same town as the dreaded Pinkie Pie!" By the end of his speech, the shopkeeper stood atop his counter, striking a dramatic pose. Pinkie stared.
"I don't know," she said with her head on her hoof. "That seems like that might be overdoing it just a bit." The shopkeeper waved his hoof.
"Bah, what do I know? I just sell costumes for a living. Try it on, try it on!" Pinkie pulled the furry white outfit over her head and zipped up the front. She posed for the shopkeeper.
"Well? What do you think?" She asked. He clapped his hooves together.
"Magnificent! Stupendous! Superlative! Would you like to buy it?" Pinkie thought about it.
"Could I go outside and try something first?" She asked.
"Of course, of course," said the shopkeeper. "Just bring back my costume in one piece!" Pinkie Pie walked out the front door of the shop and began searching for vicious criminals.
Just a few doors down, she heard something coming from an alley. She turned to see what all the commotion was about. A pony was laying in the dirt, curled up in a tiny ball. A much larger pony, covered in scars and tattoos, was thoroughly engaged with kicking him in the side, laughing as he did so. Pinkie Pie walked up to him.
"Excuse me, sir, would you happen to be a vicious criminal?" She politely asked. The tattooed giant turned to face her and nodded. "Awesome! Could you please tell me if this costume I'm wearing strikes any particular feeling into your heart? Any sort of emotional reaction?" The giant pony sat back on his haunches and scrunched up his brow, deep in thought. Finally, he looked up at her.
"Well," he rumbled, "I would like to give you a kiss." Pinkie stared at him in confusion.
"Why?"
"Well, because you look like an adorable bunny rabbit!" Pinkie looked down at her bunny costume. Truth be told, it was more adorable than awe inspiring. She turned back to the giant.
"I see. Thank you for your time, sir. Please, enjoy the rest of your day." She turned and left the alley. Shortly after that, she returned to the costume shop. The shopkeeper glanced up at the jingling of the bell.
"Ah, you are back! Tell me, is the costume satisfactory?" Pinkie Pie shook her head and pulled off the bunny suit.
"What else do you have?" The shopkeeper reached back behind his counter.
"Well, let's see. Ah, curse my luck! While you were gone, a group came through and bought all my other costumes except for these two!" He emerged from behind the counter, holding a teddy bear costume and a chicken costume. Pinkie Pie frowned.
"My only choices are a teddy bear or a chicken?"
"Oh, don't sound so sad!" The shopkeeper attempted to comfort her. "You would look adorable in the teddy bear costume!"
"Very well," declared Pinkie Pie. "Wrap up the chicken costume!"
…
Later that day, Raven sat at her desk, hard at work playing a game of solitaire. At the sound of the door opening, she raised her head.
Before her, there stood a bright pink pony wearing a ridiculous chicken costume. The pink pony approached her desk with a confident stride.
"Excuse me, madam secretary," she declared, attempting to make her voice sound deeper, "could you please open a window?" Raven raised an eyebrow.
"Now why do you want me to do that?"
"You see, I need to enter through a window, if my entrance is to be suitably dramatic," responded Pinky Pie.
"I suppose that makes sense," said Raven. She rose from her desk, walked over to a nearby window, and opened it. "Is that good enough?" She asked. Pinky Pie squinted at the opening, and then at her waist.
"Could you maybe open it just a teensy bit more?" She asked.
"I'm sorry, this is as open as it can go. Are your sure you'll fit?" Asked Raven. Pinky nodded.
"Oh, I'm sure it will be fine. Now, if you'll excuse me," and she turned and left the building. Moments later, she came crashing through the window directly adjacent to the one which Raven had opened. She stared in confusion at the pile of broken glass on the floor around her. "I could have sworn you just opened that," she said.
"No, I opened the other one," responded Raven. Pinkie turned to see the open window right beside her.
"So you did. Excuse me one more time." She turned and climbed back out the window, only to jump back in the open window seconds later.
"I have arrived!" She declared.
"So you have," responded Raven.
"Now, madam secretary, it is imperative that I speak to the mayor," said Pinkie.
"Certainly, the mayor will see you now." Pinkie Pie entered the mayor's office. Mayor Mare stared at her in confusion.
"Raven, why is there a religious fanatic in my office?" She asked.
"Sorry to bother you, madam mayor," interrupted Pinkie Pie, "But I'm here about the crime fighter position you advertised." Mayor Mare squinted at her.
"And who might you be?" Pinkie Pie puffed out her chest.
"I am the terror that squawks in the night. I am the white winged warrior, the fantastic fowl, the most fantastic crime fighter the world has ever known. I... am... CHICKEN MARE!" Mayor Mare nodded along.
"Very well, you sound qualified. You've got the job."
"On top of being the world's most fantastic crime fighter, I am an excellent cook, I can dance the- wait, did you say I have the job?"
"I did," replied Mayor Mare. "It sounds to me like you're just the serious crime fighter we've been looking for."
"Awesome!" Pinkie Pie smiled. "I should warn you, however, I will only be available to fight crime on weekends, as during weekdays, I'm busy working at Sugar Cube Corner."
"I think we can work with that," said the mayor. "Raven! I want you to have an article put in the newspaper! Tell the city that we have a new guardian, Chicken Mare!"
"That's right," declared Pinkie Pie. "And I will not rest until all criminals have been crushed by one blow from my mighty hoof! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Sugar Cube Corner. I promised them that I would babysit tonight, and I'm already an hour late." With that, she turned on her hoof and rushed out from the room, leaping out of the open window. That night, criminals everywhere slept on edge, for they knew that they were now being hunted by the one, the only, Chicken Mare!
Author's Note
So, I first heard the Chicken Man radio show on my way home from college for winter break, and immediately loved it. With little else to do, my mind has been wandering, and I recently remembered images of Pinkie Pie in a chicken costume. Immediately, Chicken Mare was born. For those of you who have never heard the original Chicken Man radio show, I strongly suggest you check it out on youtube. Hope you all enjoy this story!
