The Stars Revolt!by Andrew Joshua TalonChaptersOneTwoThreeEpilogueOneThe Stars Revolt! A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. So, as it turns out, humans can adjust to living anywhere. Even a world ruled by sapient, magic equines. Yeah I wish I was kidding. I felt like I’d ended up in a pastel version of Aesop’s fables crossed with a sadistic session of Dungeons and Dragons. But hey: I was no hero. I was just an average male human from Earth: I got to work as a handyman, and that suited me just fine. Yes, it’s a pun. Don’t worry, there are a LOT more where that one came from. I don’t know, maybe it’s the translation magic that lets me speak Horse. I’ll leave that to the linguists, philosophers and stand up comedians to sort out. Hey, I’m Andrew Shepherd. And to my knowledge, I’m the first human being to ever end up on an alien world. I still don’t know how: One minute, I was relaxing in bed after a hard day’s work and the next, I was falling into a forest full of monsters. I ran for my life and was found by the local sapient natives. After some examination and testing by the local scientists, wizards, and god-queen, I was declared not a threat and allowed to apply for citizenship. Which I did. Another thing for the boys back home to work out, if I ever get back there. I was offered a nice job as a handyman in a little town called Ponyville, and frankly I was glad for it. The capital city, Canterlot, was like Minas Tirith high on whimsy and where the noble ponies all saw me as either a freak, a key to political maneuvering, or both. In comparison, the simple ponies of Ponyville took only a few weeks to adjust to my presence. I made friends, did good work, helped others. Got my own little house with clean running water, lights powered by magic, a refrigerator in a proper kitchen, a cozy bed, and a bookshelf filled with books to read. It was a slower pace of life: Nopony had invented television yet, so everything media wise was print or radio. But I didn’t mind this too much. A slower world was one that was easier to adjust to, after all. I grew close with a local animal expert, one Miss Fluttershy of Cloudsdale. She was a pegasus pony who could fly, but preferred activity on the ground. She took to me immediately, as she loved all animals. That I was the first and only one of my kind was a source of endless fascination, but she was also warm and friendly and kind. And surprisingly a big fan of their equivalent of manga, which she shared with me eagerly. She also had a strange tendency to sleep fly. Often ending up in my house, cuddled up to me in my bed. I guess I didn’t mind too much, but the rumors that flew about us were a bit embarrassing. Especially when it happened on Hearts and Hooves Day. Oh yeah: Like any other society, the ponies marked the change in seasons with celebration. And on this day, almost a year after I’d first appeared, there was a great celebration. The Summer Sun Celebration, where they would honor the longest day of the year by partying all night long before. Usually, I would be up for that. A hard day’s work, however, had persuaded me to try to turn in early. I also had to deal with a crazy purple unicorn who was some emissary of the princess, and a lot of other hard jobs. So I thought some sleep would be nice. Unfortunately… My cottage was near the town hall. Where the local party planner/sugar addict, Pinkamenia Diane Pie (or Pinkie Pie for short), was holding a loud, raucous party. With loud booming music and equally loud cries, laughs and screams. And of course, flashing lights of multiple colors that kept me up. I sighed, and sat up in my bed. I rubbed my face and grumbled. “Damn ponies,” I muttered. I sighed, stretching my arms up over my head. I checked the clock-Yup, it was nearly dawn. I grumbled a bit. The music didn’t stop, of course. It just kept going. I’d politely declined going to the celebration-Pinkie Pie had looked so heartbroken I’d nearly changed my mind. But I’d stayed firm. I wasn’t going to the party, and that was final. … So of course, hours later, with the music pounding in my skull, I decided I would go. If only to not have to suffer alone. Pinkie Pie is… Different. Even in a world of talking, magic equines where one (the queen, though she calls herself ‘princess’ for some inane reason) literally controls the motions of the sun and moon, she stands out for how weird she is, with her ability to teleport and talk without breathing and tendency to pop up out of nowhere. Maybe she’s Loki’s granddaughter-She had mentioned Sleipner at some point. Asking her about her strange abilities just went over her head, and I got the feeling that it was better not to inquire further. Stare into the Pink Abyss too long, and it makes faces back at you. Still, for an Eldritch abomination in a pink pony suit, she was very kind. She was the first to welcome me to Ponyville and threw me a great party. Though her tendency to greet me in the mornings with her party cannon weren’t as great. So I got dressed and trudged my way to the town hall. Most ponies didn’t wear clothing full time-They had fur, after all-but they still wore them for certain purposes. So there was a seamstress and designer in town: One Rarity Belle. She was rather melodramatic, but unfailingly generous, kind, and intelligent to talk to. Sure, most of it was gossip but she had an incredible talent for social-fu and had helped me avoid many a faux pas. She had also been delighted to make clothing for me: The idea of a world of creatures that all wore clothes almost all the time was a fascinating one. Rarity was also a flirt, and despite her being an entirely different species? I could say that I was… Tempted to engage in, as Larry Niven called it, rishathra with her. There was still a part of me that was weirded out by them being akin to horses, but every session with Rarity made that part of me quieter and quieter. Damnit… All these naked ponies. I hadn’t been an ass man but Equestria was doing its level best to change that. I yawned and covered my mouth as I approached town hall. Several ponies were already gathered, and many of them greeted me with cheerful smiles and kind hellos. I returned them as best I could, giving a smile back. I caught sight of an orange mare with a cowboy hat, and I grinned. “Hey Applejack!” I said with a wave. The mare beamed back at me. “Howdy sugarcube! Nice to see you up and about!” She winked. “Finally decided t’ join us?” “Well, can’t sleep, might as well surrender,” I said with a shrug. “How’d your last race with Dash go?” Applejack huffed. “Ah wish you’d been there t’ referee. Ah swear she cheated again!” Applejack’s accent was translated via the spell into an American southern accent-A touch of Texas. I guess it was kind of like how Japanese English dubs made Osakan characters sound southern: To reflect her working class sensibility. She and her large, extended family had also greeted me warmly. I’d happily helped their large apple farm with many repairs, and they’d given me not just money but also wonderful family dinners and gifts of food and furniture. A blue pegasus flew down and pushed down Applejack’s hat over her eyes, making the orange mare yelp. The Rainbow maned mare laughed, as Applejack glared up at her. “You’re just a sore loser!” Rainbow Dash laughed. She grinned at me. “Hey Shepherd! Your weather thing is broken again!” “You mean it broke, or do you actually mean you broke it? Again?” I asked wryly. She laughed and floated behind me, resting her chin on my head and her hooves over my shoulders as we walked into the large town hall. “Come on, you know you love fixing it! It means you can see me be even more awesome!” She grinned. I shrugged. “That would be a nice change of pace,” I replied. Dash snorted, and lightly bopped me on the head. She flew away. “Your loss!” Rainbow Dash was a pegasus who helped managed the weather. She was also really, really fast and incredibly cocky. She was, however, a lot of fun and had a wicked sense of humor. She was a bit of a nice change of pace from most of the other happy, edgeless ponies. She did have a strange habit of touching me a lot-Maybe it was a pegasus thing? I yawned, and rubbed my eyes. All the ponies had gone ahead to the stage. I turned around and headed for the lobby-I had smelled some coffee, and my caffeine deprived body demanded I partake. I found the coffee maker and a cup, and poured myself one. I added a lot of sugar and milk, while the Mayor made some kind of speech. The curtains must have opened, because there was a loud gasp by all the ponies. I turned around and sipped my coffee, as everything had gone incredibly silent. “Mm, Sumatran,” I mumbled. I blinked, noticing how quiet it was. "... Sound system go on the fritz again?" "BWAHAHAHAHAHA! THE NIGHT SHALL LAST FOREVERRRR!" I looked up at the stage. A very tall, black pony with wings in blue armor was cackling. I blinked in confusion. "... I guess I missed the part about it being open mike night. Or a cosplay contest,” I mumbled. Everyone else was still silent. It was getting awkward. I looked at the stage and smiled, punching a fist into the air. I cheered for the cackling performer. Hey, if no one else was going to... "Uh, you go! Great performance! And costume! Never seen anything like it! WOO!” I shouted. The black pony teleported, appearing right in front of me in an instant. She glared at me, baring long, sharp teeth which gleamed. I blinked owlishly, and sipped my coffee. "You dare mock me, you hairless ape?!" She demanded. I blinked again. "Sooo... Audience participation?” I asked. Okay, a little weird, but hey. I wasn’t going to spoil things for this enthusiastic performer. “Should I act scared?” I asked softly. I raised my voice, widening my eyes in mock terror. “Ahh, oh no, she's... She's got me." I lowered my voice again. "That okay?" Okay, so I wasn’t an actor. Sue me. The tall pony didn’t seem happy, snapping her jaws at me. I dropped my coffee, and it spilled onto the floor. "We'll see how long your attitude lasts when the SUN IS GONE AND MY NIGHT REIGNS SUPREME!" She bellowed, making my ears hurt. I covered them, and winced. "GAH! Jesus Lady! It's called volume control!" Annoyed, I reached out and grabbed her horn. I heard everyone gasp-Especially the performer. I stayed calm, and reached up to scritch behind her pointed ears. It was a bit difficult getting under her helmet, but a good ear scritch was something that had let me make a lot of friends here in Ponyville. "Look, I'm sure you're doing a great job but I'm just not into this. You're going to have to choose another volunteer from the audience, okay?" I gave her a comforting smile. She blushed through her dark fur, her eyes glowing in confusion and fury. "You-How dare you-?!" She sputtered. She then moaned loudly-Yes, my nails had found her sweet spot. I smiled as she leaned into my scritching fingers. "There you go, calm down. See? Sorry if I broke your rhythm." I looked around at the gaping faces of a multitude of ponies. Fluttershy’s eyes were the widest I’d ever seen. "SHEPHERD GET AWAY FROM HER!" She screamed-Easily the loudest I’d ever heard her. I winced, realizing that I’d done something incredibly stupid. I’ve probably screwed up their whole celebration-Like making a ham sandwich out of the Quran during Ramadan. I hoped I wouldn’t get stoned to death. I looked around, and cleared my throat as my hands continued to pet the tall alicorn. "Oh God, I really have ruined things this time. I'm sorry guys, I didn't know-!” Applejack shook her head. "No! Ya don’t understand! She's Nightmare Moon!" Nightmare Moon? "And that means...?" I asked, confused. I got more looks of disbelief, like they couldn’t believe I could be this stupid. I guess I couldn't either. The purple unicorn who had made my work day weird stepped up. What was her name-Twilight something? "She's an evil alicorn princess who wants to plunge the world into eternal night and destroy the planet! She sealed away Princess Celestia!” The purple unicorn shouted. I blinked. I blinked again. “... Ah.” I slowly turned to look into the eyes of the alicorn, my hands still scritching and rubbing away. “Ahhh…” I smiled nervously at the now very imposing alicorn, who was staring back. “Ahhhhh… I… I see.” My hands wouldn’t stop. Why wouldn’t my hands stop?! Somehow, miraculously, my mouth kept talking. “Ahem. Listen, your majesty, I'm new here and I don't really understand the politics going on between you and… Everything. So you'll have to forgive me if I crossed any line, if I insulted you, or-" She grinned, her sharp teeth shining. Her mane came to life, pushing my hands off her head. She licked her chops. "Mmmm... Yessss... You will do,” she said. I blinked. "Do? Do for what?" I asked slowly. Nightmare Moon laughed villainously, making everypony wince and tremble. "As my consort. I will need one for ruling the world and you will do! TO MY CASTLE, MY NEW CONCUBINE!" Her mane expanded out into tendrils that reached out. I was frozen in fear, so it wasn’t hard for her to grab me around my waist, wrists, and ankles. She lifted me up, still laughing evilly. And really, there was only one thing I could do. "I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULLLLLLLTTTTTTT!" I shrieked, as we were teleported away into darkness! Author's Note You can consider this a sort of spin off of "Hands". I'm just using the same OC here. It originally started as a script style omake, but it grew into its own thing. So I'm going to post these bits as they're done. It will be in three parts, but I may write more in this same universe. TwoThe Stars Revolt! A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. So, for any humans thinking that Equestria would be easy pickings for military occupation and exploitation, allow me to advise against it. One, I've done a lot of work to make a good first impression of our species to an alien race. And you repeating the mistakes of the past would really screw up our chances of building a peaceful Federation of Planets. And two, Earth would probably lose. They have a princess that can literally control the sun and moon. I know-I asked her to prove it. She proved it. She was happy, nay, eager to prove it. Apparently she'd never met a creature who doubted her ability to move the sun and was happy to be thorough about it. Suffice it to say, I believed it. And walking on the sun is not nearly as mellow an experience as Smashmouth made it seem. Point is, she has a sun; that is Game Over. And even if she didn't? The ponies control the weather around here. They can move the clouds and control lightning. They can make the rain, snow, and the wind blow at will. They would turn any invasion into Napoleon's Invasion of Russia, but worse. Except, there was one place their weather magic didn't work. A place of chaotic magic and gigantic monsters. A place I was intimately familiar with, because it's where I appeared when I got to this crazy planet: The Everfree Forest. Apparently it was originally the site of a castle Princess Celestia and Princess Luna had ruled Equestria from, but after she went Nightmare Moon, Celestia moved the capital to Canterlot. As a result, the ancient palace was in ruins-Covered in vines, filled with trees and beasts, and about as welcoming as a prison cell in Minas Morgul. One more Lord of the Rings reference and I get a free Slurpee. Here, I was being held against my will. I was forced to do the most unholy things to appease my Dark Mistress, the dreaded Empress of Evil. Things that to this day make me shudder in horror. Because goddamnit... She was disturbingly cute when I was holding her in my lap and giving her belly rubs. As well as emotionally validating her. I guess no matter where you go in the universe, you'll find millennials. Even Millennial millennials. I'm sorry. ... I'm not sorry. "Who's a good destroyer of worlds?" I said with as much enthusiasm I could muster-Which was not much. I was a hostage. My fingers clawed through her belly fur, and she shuddered in bliss. She licked her chops as she looked up at me. I raised a finger up, and lifted it to her nose. I gently booped her nose, making her gasp. "I am?" She asked. I nodded. She grinned. "I am!" "Yes," I sighed. I resumed my stroking. "Who's the cutest destroyer of worlds and soooo much better than her stupid, stupid sister?" Nightmare Moon looked at me expectantly. I again booped her, and she laughed evilly. "I AM!" I let out a longer sigh as I wondered just what I had done for God to punish me so. I mean, I suppose I was better off than Job... But not by much. "Okay, look, Your Highness-" I began. She moaned erotically, her magic mane grabbed my ear and pulling my face disturbingly close to hers. I winced as she 'whispered' in my ear, loud enough to rattle my ear drums. "Call me 'Mistress', oooh. My beloved concubine, call me that!" She commanded. I let out another very long sigh. I think I had developed an eye twitch. "Okay, not dignifying that," I stated. I looked imploringly at her, trying to be as calm and rational an adult as possible. "Listen, your Highness: If you have it be eternal night, you'll cause an ice age and kill off all life on the planet. That's not going to leave you with anything to rule, is it? What good is being a Princess if you have no kingdom?" Nightmare Moon snorted, pouting up at me like a petulant child. "I will not destroy all life!" She declared, pointing up with one of her long legs. "I shall make them worship me, and prefer the night! All that hard work, all the sacrifices and loss I suffered-And they had the temerity to prefer my sunny sister?!" Her eyes were glowing in rage and hurt, and despite my predicament I couldn't help feeling some empathy with this crazed evil empress. Great, I hope this isn't the first step towards Stockholm Syndrome. "I can understand that," I began. "I can understand not being appreciated. I dated women who were single handedly responsible for the birth, marriage, and happiness rates in the Western world declining over the past twenty years. I get it. But this is not the way to do it!" Nightmare Moon's glare turned icy. "Why do you persist in this, Consort? This is not even your world!" She demanded. I glared back. "I'm still one of the idiots who has to live on this world!" I cried, as evenly as I could. "I can't do much living if I'm dead, can I?" Okay that may have sounded better in my head. But I loved Guardians of the Galaxy. Sue me. Fed up at last, Nightmare Moon rose from my lap to her hooves. She towered over me, glaring in fury. I felt very small and very terrified, but I somehow managed to still look her in the eyes. I never claimed to be smart. "I knew it!" Nightmare Moon thundered. "You have a lover you seek to protect!" I could now claim to be extremely confused. "What?! No! Nonono!" I said quickly, waving my hands in as subservient a way as possible. Which was not apparently not good enough, judging from how the alicorn princess seethed. "You cannot lie! I know your thoughts! It's the purple one, isn't it?!" She roared. Well now I was really confused and scared. I mean, granted, I was dealing with a mad magical empress but even madness needs some kind of method! "What?! No! I-I just met her!" I cried. "I mean, I'll admit I've had thoughts about ponies in that way, but it's not exactly-I mean I don't-!" Her horn glowed, and what appeared to be a small TV screen appeared in front of me. I gaped in disbelief, as I saw my own hands at work on a pipe outside of Rarity's boutique. "Did… Did you just read my mind? Are you reading my mind?!" I shouted. "SILENCE!" Nightmare Moon declared. In the memory, a purple unicorn called out to me. I looked right at her as she trotted up to me. She was panting hard, frazzled and stressed out. Behind her a few paces was a small purple dragon, who looked faintly amused. I gave the unicorn a winning smile. "Can I help you, Miss…?" I prompted. "Twilight Sparkle, representative of the Princess," she panted. "Hey, listen. Some pony told me that you're… You're an alien?" I sighed in a slightly self deprecating way. "Yes, I am. If you want a picture, it's five bits. Signed, it's ten." Yes, I make a nice bit of coin on the side as a tourist attraction. No, I have no shame when it comes to that. The unicorn shook her head furiously. "No, no, no! I'm not a tourist! I just have to... Well..." Her horn lit up, and a beam of magical energy ran over my body. I yelped as it went right through me. Like prunes. "Ack! Hey! That tingles!" I shouted. Twilight frowned, and poked me in the gut. She trotted around me in a circle, scanning me from all angles. She pulled out a stethoscope and began listening to my lungs. "I-Seriously, can I help you?" I asked in bewildered annoyance. She came around to my front and looked at me intently. "Do you have any special abilities? Increased magical sensitivity, super strength, laser vision?" She asked in desperation. I rolled my eyes. "Only under a red sun," I deadpanned. Twilight groaned, bowing her head. "Then you can't help me! You can't help anypony! We're doomed!" She cried. I reached out and took her hooves between my hands, trying to be comforting. "Okay, look. It's obvious you're stressed out. Let's get some food, on me. And for your dragon friend too," I said, turning my smile over to the dragon. He grinned back happily, even as his unicorn friend shook her head. "Ah?! I don't-I can't-!" Twilight tried, and then her dragon stepped up to her side. "We'd love to! And I'm Spike! What's your name?" "Andrew Shepherd," I said. I led the protesting Twilight and the happy Spike to a nearby cafe. We sat down at a table, surrounded by other, happily chatting ponies. I ordered her a daffodil sandwich and tea, and good old PB and J, potato chips and tea for me. For Spike, I got the same and some soda. As our food was delivered by the peppy waiter, the purple unicorn kept up her protests. "Look, this really isn't necessary-!" Twilight tried, but I shook my head. "Come on, eat. Or at least have some tea. Calms the nerves. Trust me, I needed that the first few months I was here." I had a sip of tea to emphasize my point. Twilight's face crumpled into a grimace, as she lifted some tea to her lips. She took a sip. "Fine. I had a drink. Now if you'll excuse me," she stated. I raised an eyebrow, confused. "What's the rush?" I asked. Twilight grumbled, fed up. "I... You see... You wouldn't believe me!" She huffed. "Try me," I said. "I mean, I'm an alien, after all." "Even an alien wouldn't believe me," she huffed. "Everypony in this town is crazy!" I rolled my eyes. I reached out and rested a hand on her hoof. She looked up at me, blushing a bit. "Twilight Sparkle. I'm Andrew Shepherd. I come from a planet with no magic, and only my species is the intelligent one. I ended up here entirely by accident, and I've had to deal with the impossible every day. Trust me, I will believe you." I gave her a grin that you might call heroic. Maybe. If you squinted. "Well..." She began to talk at length about her worries and concerns, and her desperate mission. I nodded, eating my sandwich and sipping my tea until she finished. I hummed thoughtfully. "Okay. So, a horrible ancient evil is about to rise and your mentor, the Princess of Equestria, tells you to come here and make some friends," I summarized. Twilight nodded eagerly. "Yes! I don't understand why!" She glared down at her untouched sandwich, as Spike happily gulped down his soda. I sighed and shrugged. "Look, you're her apprentice. You know her well-Better than me. She doesn't seem... You know... Insane? Or uncaring?" I asked. She stared at me like I was some kind of hideous alien creature-Oh right. "What? No! Not at all!" Twilight cried, more than a little defensively. I shrugged. "Well then, maybe she has a good reason for you to come here and make friends," I said. Twilight scoffed. "What could that be?!" She demanded. I shrugged again. The sandwiches were good, but I was still pretty hungry. "I don't know," I admitted, "but maybe it's something you should try? I'm just saying." "I... Maybe... I don't know," Twilight sighed. She looked up at me sheepishly. "Well, thanks anyway. I've... Never actually met an alien before." I shrugged back and grinned. "I've never been on a date with one before. So that's a first for us both," I said. I will admit, the neurotic little unicorn looked very cute when she was blushing. Her horn flared with magic. "Ah-Uh-A d-date?! I mean, I've never, this wasn't-!" "Shepherd!" The proprietor of the cafe, a snooty stallion named Savore Faire, was suddenly looming over us. "You told me you'd be fixing my oven an hour ago!" "Ah!" I raised my hands up. "Sorry about that, Savore. I got a little distracted, but come on. It's just an hour. How bad-?" Smoke began to pour out of the cafe, as ponies began to flee. My genteel smile became rather brittle, as Savore just glared. I sighed and looked at the embarrassed Twilight. She looked down. "I'm sorry," she said. I sighed. "It's all right," I managed. "It happens. Hope the rest of your day goes better." I got up, dropping some bits on the table. The magically induced flashback ended. I had a headache. Nightmare Moon looked triumphant, her sharp teeth gleaming in the night. "HA! I told you! She is your lover!" "NO! NO! Come on, it was just lunch!" I cried defensively. "I just met her! She made more work for me-And she didn't take it like that!" I shook my head. "Trust me, she absolutely, definitely does not have any romantic feelings for me! And I don't for her!" Nightmare Moon gave me the evil eye. "Really?" "Yes! Really!" I insisted. "And she's definitely not trying to find a way to defeat you!" Meanwhile… Twilight Sparkle and a number of the ponies she had met that day were gathered at the edge of the Everfree Forest. She had found a book on the Elements of Harmony, the one thing that might defeat Nightmare Moon and save Equestria. And she wanted to go in, alone, to save Equestria. The strange mares, however, would not back down. Despite the gravity of the situation and the stakes involved, they were willing to go all the way with her. "It's our world too! We're not letting you go alone!" Rainbow Dash insisted. "Besides, she kidnapped Shepherd!" Pinkie Pie pointed out. "We can't let her just have him!" "All right," Twilight sighed. She gave them as encouraging a smile as she could, moved by their courage. "If I can't talk you out of it, let's go save Equestria!" "Yeah!" They all cheered, in varying accents and volumes. Pinkie Pie beamed. "And save our coltfriend!" She added. They all cheered again, save for Fluttershy. "YEAH!" Fluttershy just looked shocked, and Twilight could swear she felt her glare. Twilight turned bright red, and began shaking her head rapidly. "Wait what?! He's not my-we didn't-IT'S NOT LIKE THAT! But let's save him anyway!" "YEAH!" The mares cheered, save for Fluttershy. "Yay he's not her coltfriend!" She quietly cheered. Twilight blinked. "Wait, what did you say?" "Nothing!" Fluttershy squeaked. Author's Note Chapter the second! Hope you enjoyed it. Just one more to go! ThreeThe Stars Revolt! A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. So as it turned out, Twilight and my friends (also her friends) were indeed trying to get to the Palace to stop Nightmare Moon and save the world. At least according to the crystal ball Nightmare Moon was using to spy on them. Because at this point, why not pull out every magical villain cliche in the book? That was the good news. The bad news was that apparently Nightmare Moon was done playing around. "My tricks, traps and illusions didn't work," she cursed, pacing around in front of me. "Those little FOALS! CURSES!" I sighed as I sat on a broken stone wall. I rolled my eyes-How cliched can you get? "Maybe you should have sent out some powerful minions to kill them rather than playing Snidely Whiplash," I muttered. I then slapped a hand over my mouth, my eyes wide. Nightmare Moon grinned at me. "OF COURSE! I should have done that from the start!" She turned and flared the power of her horn. Several statues of pegasi burst into real pegasi, all dressed in dark purple outfits with goggles. I slapped my other hand over my forehead and groaned. "Me and my big mouth." The pegasi stood at attention before their dark princess, ready to fly. Nightmare Moon nodded in approval. "Shadowbolts! Seek out and destroy Celestia's Apprentice!" Nightmare Moon ordered. "As you wish, my Queen!" They shouted in perfect unison. I stood up and slid in front of Nightmare Moon, putting up my very best "Please don't kill me" smile. You'd be surprised how often it comes in handy. "WAIT! Wait, you don't have to do that! I absolutely promise you don't have to do it! After all, if I had the idea it must be stupid! Completely stupid!" Tyrion Lannister I am not. Oh well, at least I was taller. "Please! You are far too hard on yourself, my Consort!" Nightmare Moon bellowed. "Twilight Sparkle travels here even now to destroy me!" "Okay, maybe she is," I admitted. "But maybe she's here to…" To what? To swear allegiance to her? She'd never buy that! "To… Rescue me?" I suggested. "You did kind of kidnap me. So she really just wants to see me and make sure I'm not hurt." Nightmare Moon gave me a deadpan expression. "Do you really think I would believe that?" The alicorn asked. I shrugged helplessly. "Okay, well," I tried, "Why not let her come here to face you in single combat? To prove your superiority to her?" Her deadpan expression grew even more deadpan. "That is even more ridiculous!" Okay, yes, it was. Why did I have to get kidnapped by the one evil alicorn that's read the Evil Overlord's List?! I sighed, and smiled at her as sincerely as I could manage. What was the old saying? "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' while you get a rock?" I think I'd need something a hell of a lot bigger for this dog. "Okay, look," I said, "Why don't I give you belly rubs for as long as you like? And in exchange, you don't send the Shadowbolts to destroy her and her friends?" Bribery. It was all I had left. Nightmare Moon shook her head slowly. "That would be nice… However! I already sent them!" She cackled. I gaped at her. "What?!" I looked over-Yeah they were gone. Long gone. Damnit. Nightmare Moon huffed, shaking her head on her long neck. "You will have no one else but me, consort! YOU NEED NO ONE ELSE! Now give me bellyrubs!" She grinned bestially. I took a deep breath. I steeled myself, and glared up at the alicorn. "I'm not giving bellyrubs to you anymore," I stated, loud and clear. Nightmare Moon's eyes widened. "What?! You cannot deny me! YOU ARE MY CONSORT!" she roared. I glared back at her, standing my ground. "Look you crazy horse," I began, "you're the one who decided that! I didn't have any input! You just kidnapped me!" "That is the way of Nightmare Moon!" She laid on her back and looked up at me with an almost adorable expression. "Now! BELLY RUBS!" I crossed my arms over my chest and stayed put. "No! Bad Nightmare Moon! No belly rubs!" "WHAT?!" The alicorn got back up and roared right in my face. "I WILL DESTROY YOU!" I sighed, and shrugged. I turned around and sat on the floor. "Fine. Go ahead. But if you do? No. More. Bellyrubs. Or ear scritches. Or massages," I stated. Nightmare Moon growled. "I… I'LL DO IT! I'LL DESTROY YOU!" "Better hurry it up!" I stated, drawing random shapes in the dust on the stone floor. Outside of course I was as cool and calm as I could manage. Inside, I was performing a full body wince in anticipation of a horrible demise. But this was literally the only card I had left to play. "I WILL! I'LL DESTROY YOU! THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING LEFT!" Nightmare Moon bellowed, making the ground rumble. She stomped on the floor in fury. "BELLY RUBS! NOW!" I remained unmoved. I just kept drawing in the dust, ignoring her. Nightmare Moon grumbled. "All right… What if we made a bargain?" She asked. Almost sweetly. I gave her my most sarcastic smile. "Will you raise the sun again?" I asked. "Anything but that," Nightmare Moon growled. I shrugged. "Then I guess…" I leaned in, really close. She leaned in closer as well. "I'll have to say… No." Nightmare Moon seethed. "I SWEAR I'LL DESTROY YOU, YOU STUPID MONKEY!" Well, they say if you pull the racism card you've lost the argument... Some time later… Twilight Sparkle made it into the Palace, while her friends held off the Shadowbolts. She didn't like the idea of leaving her newly found friends to fight those terrible Shadowbolts. However after seeing Pinkie Pie pull a cannon out of nowhere and shoot one in the face, she was more confident they could handle themselves. As for her own chances… She was far less so. She was expecting to be challenged by Nightmare Moon. She was expecting a battle to the death. She wasn't... Expecting this. Nightmare Moon and Shepherd in the middle of what looked like a childish argument. Nightmare Moon had her nose in the air, and was looking like she was trying to ignore Shepherd. The human was sitting with his legs crossed, his arms firmly over his chest as she stomped foalishly around him. "Hmph! Your bellyrubs aren't that good anyway!" Nightmare Moon declared. He rolled his eyes. "Fine! Then you won't miss them! Or the ear scritches, either!" Nightmare Moon stiffened, then snorted. "I-I can go without those forever! I will get a new consort! A trained ape! He'll be better!" Nightmare Moon mocked. The human shrugged again. "Fine by me! Go ahead! Find another one that talks! Or can find those spots you like," he retorted. Nightmare Moon grimaced, grinding her razor sharp teeth. She took a deep breath. With all of her attention on Shepherd, Twilight realized that Nightmare Moon wouldn't be paying any attention to her. So she quickly but quietly moved towards the platform where the Elements of Harmony were lying. Inert, but intact. "... Nnngh..!" Nightmare Moon huffed, sagging a bit, "How about one hour of sunlight a day?" "No," Shepherd huffed. "Two hours!" Nighmare Moon offered. "No!" The human again snorted. "Come onnnn..." She nuzzled him, but he pushed her away, "Three!" "You know what number I want," he stated firmly. Twilight managed to get to the platform, and activated her horn. She sent magic into the Elements, trying to activate them. The crystals rose, glowed… And then fell, shattering. The sound attracted the attention of Nightmare Moon and Shepherd. Twilight gasped in horror. "What?! No!" she cried. Nightmare Moon's eyes widened in shock… Then she turned in rage to snarl at Shepherd. "... YOU! YOU WERE DISTRACTING ME THE ENTIRE TIME!" Nightmare Moon roared, knocking Shepherd over. He pushed himself back up, and held his hands up. "Ummmm... Well, that depends. If those are the Elements of Harmony that can defeat you and bring back the sun? Well…" He offered a nervous smile. "Kind of, yes?" Nightmare Moon blasted him with her magic, sending his tall form right through the nearest brick wall. It was smashed through and they collapsed, sending up a plume of dust. Twilight gaped in horror. "SHEPHERD!" She cried. Nightmare Moon's mane lashed out and grabbed her around the throat. "ACK!" "You two planned this together, didn't you?! FROM THE START!" "AUGH! I-We didn't-!" Twilight struggled in her grip. Nightmare Moon's jaws snapped at her, like a hungry lion's. "W-Wait…!" A weak voice echoed through the hall. Nightmare Moon looked over at the debris pile. Shepherd emerged, battered, bruised and bleeding. He got up onto his arms, struggling and gasping hard against the agony of his broken body. "No! No... Don't! It's… It's me! I did it! Whatever… It was! If you want to hurt someone, hurt me! Just... Just leave her alone, please!" "Shepherd," Twilight gasped. Some strange alien she had barely known for a day was so injured, so hurt… Yet still willing to stand up for her! Still willing to fight and try and help her! "Well... Now that the Elements are destroyed, it doesn't really matter, does it?!" Nightmare Moon dropped Twilight, teleporting like a wisp of smoke right behind Shepherd. She seized the badly injured human in her tendrils, wrenching him up. He screamed in agony, tears pouring from his eyes. "I'll kill him in front of you before I finish you off, so you'll get to see everything you care about die! Your lover, your mentor, and your precious Elements!" That was the moment… That it hit Twilight. She stood up, feeling new hope dawning within her. "No... No, the Elements aren't gone! They were with me... The entire time! Honesty! Kindness! Generosity! Loyalty! Laughter! They were with me from the start! The friends I made along the way-They were the Elements!" Nightmare Moon laughed, choking the badly bleeding Shepherd. Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy galloped in, their foes defeated behind them. Even with this, the Dark Alicorn was unphased. "You still lack the sixth element, foal!" "No," Twilight gasped, looking right into the eyes of her friends,"because I know what it is now!" She began to glow, as did the shattered Elements. Her friends began to glow too, and all of them gained necklaces of their Cutie Marks. Twilight herself gained a crown, as the light and power of the Elements of Harmony shone through the air! "The Sixth Element is Magic... The Magic... OF FRIENDSHIP!" A gigantic rainbow beam blasted from the six ponies, washing over Nightmare Moon and Shepherd. Nightmare Moon screamed as Shepherd is dropped. He and the dark alicorn vanished in the beam, the light filling the ancient castle and flashing across the landscape like a beacon of hope. High above, the sun broke through the eternal night, and the sky became a gorgeous blue. That was Twilight's perspective. Mine? Mine was of the worst pain imaginable, unable to tell what bones were broken and which weren't. They all hurt the same. Then came the light-Like Gandalf riding in with the Rohirrim at dawn. All my worries, all my fears, and all of my pain was washed away in the cleansing light as Nightmare Moon screamed, and faded away. I was left lying on an uncomfortable stone floor, feeling… Well, the opposite of what I had been feeling a few moments ago. Like I'd just had the most wonderful night's sleep, and woke up feeling refreshed. I stared up at the blue sky of day. I heard a bird chirp happily. Twilight's face filled my vision. She looked worried. "Shepherd?! Are you all right?" She cried. She was knocked out of the way by a concerned Fluttershy. "Please, speak to me! Are you feeling any pain?" She cried. "Did she hurt you?! Touch you inappropriately?" "Ah, no, I'm fine, I'm fine," I said quickly. I sat up slowly, rubbing my temples as Fluttershy's hooves and wings went all over me, "I think the… Magical Deathray healed me-HEEP! FLUTTERSHY!" "Oh! Sorry!" Fluttershy mumbled, pulling her hoof back. "I didn't mean to-I was just very worried!" "Oh, that's okay," I said, patting her on the head. "I know you'd never do anything inappropriate to me." "Without your permission," Fluttershy murmured. I blinked. I couldn't have heard that right. "What was tha-?" "WOW! You got healed completely!" Pinkie Pie gasped, bouncing in front of me. She leaned over. "And you're not Twilight's coltfriend! You're Fluttershy's coltfriend!" Fluttershy turned bright red, and began squeaking. I sighed. "Pinkie Pie, I'm not-" "Of course you're not! You're ALL our coltfriend!" Pinkie Pie cried. "You were the damsel in distress, and we saved you! Now you're all ours!" She hugged my arm with a happy smile. "Please be gentle, it's my first time!" I rolled my eyes. I looked over at Twilight, who was looking confused as Rainbow Dash laughed, Applejack snickered, and Rarity admired her mane. I beamed at the purple unicorn. "You did great," I said. "You all did." Twilight blushed, and worried her hoof against the floor. Fluttershy was still bright red. Pinkie Pie grinned. Twilight hummed and grinned at me. "You… You too," she said. "You didn't have to sacrifice yourself for me-um, us. For us." I shrugged. "Well... You know... Needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one." "Huh?" Twilight asked, confused. I shook my head. "Just words of wisdom spoken by a great Vulcan philosopher. Back on Earth." "Well. Um... Thank you," Twilight managed. Fluttershy smiled shyly. "Th-Thank you," Fluttershy whispered. I smiled back, and reached out to rub her head. Pinkie Pie huffed. "Thank you! Now give me ear scritches! I just helped save the world, and you're my coltfriend now!" I rolled my eyes, and began scratching behind her ears. Pinkie Pie sighed happily. "Hey, do ah get the benefits o' rescuing the damsel too?" Applejack asked with a grin. "He only gets to wear an apron and makes me dinner before I get home!" Dash laughed. "I just hope he can still carry me off and ravish me," Rarity murmured shyly, her hoof over her muzzle. I sighed. "I really hate you all," I muttered. "We love you too, you grumpy monkey," Pinkie Pie giggled, nuzzling me. Okay that was kind of racist, but I let it go because I love this crazy pink little horse. She gets 'M' word privileges. "Ahem." We all turned to look at Princess Celestia… Who was standing with a much smaller, more slender light blue alicorn in princess garb. I blinked, as she blinked right back. She then blushed severely. "I'm so glad you discovered the magic of Friendship, Twilight. You really did it! Just as I knew you would!" She bowed to Twilight. "And you all saved my dear little sister, Princess Luna. All of you, thank you so much!" She smiled at me. "Especially you, Andrew Shepherd. Without any powers, a fragile human being like yourself helped save Equestria. I am so glad you came among us." "I… Thank you, Your Majesty," I managed. I mean, when an immortal demi goddess thanks you, what else are you supposed to do. Nightmare-Er, I mean, Princess Luna, also smiled warmly at me. She blushed and looked aside. "We are so sorry for what she did to you," she said in a sweet, soft voice. Wow she was cute-I sure hoped she stayed this small and demure. I offered a smile back. "Well, it's all right. It wasn't you, and I'm all better now," I said reassuringly. Her blush worsened, as she looked at my shoulder. "Ahem. Of course, having taken hold of my horn, thou must become my betrothed to save us both from shame-" "Wait, what?!" I wasn't the only person to cry this. Hell, even Fluttershy sounded loud as she echoed the same sentiment. Oh crap I'm getting engaged to a princess?! Oh God, I am a terrible Isekai protagonist! It was the kind of realization that makes you want to jump in front of a truck. Even if that might lead you to becoming an even worse isekai protagonist! Celestia laughed softly, and nuzzled her sister. "Sister dear, that is no longer the custom," she said gently. Luna blushed and looked down at her hooves. "Oh..." We all breathed a sigh of relief. Was it my imagination, or did Fluttershy hug me more tightly? Or maybe that was Rainbow Dash. I couldn't tell, being in the center of a pony huddle. Celestia beamed at her little sister. "You simply ask him on a date!" The elder princess said. Luna looked over at me, her smile growing. "Well then...!" "Uh," I began. "I'm very flattered but-" I was saved from trying to gently let down a demigoddess by all of the mares around me. "NO!" "Oh?" Celestia asked with a little smile. I looked around, bewildered. "NO! I-I mean," Twilight began. "You need to recover first!" "And catch up!" Fluttershy cried. "Yeah!" Applejack added. "There's so much you've missed in the last thousand years!" "So much to become acquainted with!" Rarity insisted. "Like parties! Propellers! And porn!" Pinkie Pie shouted. "Get yer own damsel, Princess!" Rainbow Dash shouted. I rolled my eyes. "Nice joke, Dash," I muttered. "Yeah, joke," Dash muttered back. "I must agree, sister dear," Celestia said gently. "There is no need to rush. You will see Shepherd often though, I promise." "Oh... Very well," Luna said softly. She gave me a big, warm smile. "We hope to see you soon!" "Um... Sure?" I responded. Celestia smiled at me too. "And you, Andrew Shepherd? I hope you will continue to help Twilight Sparkle as she studies the magic of friendship. It may lead to a way back to your home, eventually." I nodded, my own smile growing. "N-No problem, Your Highness," I replied. She laughed again, softly and knowingly. "Indeed! Given you were directly struck by the Elements and left unharmed, you could contribute immensely! Perhaps you could stay with Twilight Sparkle in her new home?" Twilight turned bright red, from the tip of her horn to the bottoms of her hooves. "S-Stay? With me?! I-I don't know if I can-If I should-!" "Hey! That means he'll be right between all of us equally!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "So we all get an equal shot! Ooh! Finally, we'll get the chance to use this book!" She pulled out a book that made every mare blush bright red. I blinked at the strange writing, the Pony figures resolving themselves into something sensible. "The Pony… Sutra?" I read. "WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THAT?!" Twilight shrieked. Pinkie Pie grinned. "I believe in being very prepared!" I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Pinkie Pie, you are so random…" Silly ponies with their weird jokes and healing magical rainbow beams. I'm just thankful this adventure is my last. I'm fine with helping Twilight with research into the magic of whatever, but I'm definitely not going to get involved in any more crazy adventures. Nothing ever happens in Ponyville, after all... Author's Note Well, that's it for this story. Hope you enjoyed! EpilogueThe Stars Revolt! A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. Two years later… Discord broke free from the confines of his stone statue, stretching and cackling. “AHAHAHAHA! I’M FREE AT LAST! Now to bring about chaos! Wonderful, delicious chaos!” The Lord of Chaos locked onto Celestia’s magical signature, and teleported right next to her. He wanted to greet his ancient frienemy with the proper fanfare and respect! Turned out she wasn’t too far: She was actually in the garden, lying in a lounge chair. She was sipping some frozen coffee, wearing sunglasses, and looking quite relaxed. Discord manifested a door, and went through it, appearing in a suit and greasy wig. “CELLYYYYY~! I’M HOME!” Celestia… Turned her head, and pulled down her sunglasses. She actually smiled-An honest to goodness smile. “Discord! It’s so nice to see you!” That… Was not what Discord was expecting. Granted, as a draconequus he oftentimes didn’t know what to expect from his own magic. But this was like a geranium eating the cat when he hadn’t thought of it. Later: Make geranium that eats cats, he thought. “Uh… Nice to see you too…?” Discord managed, blinking. Celestia smiled, and her horn glowed. A frosted coffee appeared in his hand. “Won’t you join me?” She asked. Discord blinked again, and scowled. “Okay, what’s your plan?” Discord demanded. He leaned in close, his glare attempting to burn holes in Celestia. “Come on! What is it? Your nerdy apprentice and her neurotic friends lying in wait with the Elements? Your sister? A FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL BATTLESTATION?!” Celestia chuckled softly. “Oh, I’m afraid my apprentice and her ‘neurotic’ friends are busy,” she said. She leaned back, and it was at this point Discord heard something. Something he had intended to hear in abundance, but never before he started his rampage. Screaming. He followed Celestia’s gaze towards a large row of rosebushes. The screaming was coming from behind it. A moment later, a tall ape with brown hair, green eyes, and glasses rounded it. He was running for his life, screaming in between deep breaths of air. He looked at Celestia, desperately. “PRINCESS CELESTIA!” He bellowed. “HELP ME!” “Just a few more laps, my dear little human!” Celestia called back encouragingly. “Your endurance will save you!” “DAMNIT!” He bellowed. The human kept running, sprinting in front of them towards the next row of rose bushes. The sound of loud, angry galloping followed him. Soon, the source was revealed: A large number of adult stallions of every tribe. The mob was led by a large, blue maned unicorn stallion, his nostrils snorting smoke in his rage. “GET BACK HERE! TONIGHT I DINE ON MONKEY SOUP!” He roared. “I CALL HIS EYES!” A little purple dragon, riding on the unicorn stallion’s back, added in fury. The rest of the stallions shouted or bellowed similar sentiments as they chased the human. Right on their hooves, a group of young, pregnant mares and older, motherly mares. Led by Twilight Sparkle and Princess Luna, who were just as angry. “BIG BROTHER! IF YOU KILL THE FATHER OF MY FOAL I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!” She yelled. “YOU’RE NOT KILLING HIM UNTIL HE MAKES ME WITH FOAL FIRST!” Princess Luna brayed. “PAPA! DON’T PREACH! HE’S MY BABY DADDY!” Pinkie Pie bawled, bouncing along. “I’LL BEAT HIM UP, NOT YOU!” Rainbow Dash howled, flying hard. “LEAVE HIM ALONE, DADDY! SPIKE, YOU TOO!” Rarity cried, keeping up and already in fashionable maternity wear. “BIG MAC HE’S GONNA MARRY ME! CUT IT OUT!” Applejack bellowed, which was impressive given she was carrying a shotgun in her teeth. “Please don’t hurt him, Papa!” Fluttershy sort-of shouted, though it was more of a loud whisper. The older mares, their mothers and sisters in law, and other female relatives echoed similar sentiments. An old green mare, wheelchairing herself as fast as she could, waved her cane. “SAVE THE SOURCE O’ THE GREAT GRANDFOALS! AH’VE WAITED SO LONG!” After this group, three little fillies in red cloaks galloped in their wake. “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER WEDDING AND/OR FUNERAL PLANNERS!” They shouted. A whole gaggle of other assorted beings followed, ranging from some angry cooks from a local restaurant, to the Griffinstone ambassador covered in cake. The entire precession vanished around another rose bush row, leaving a cloud of dust behind. Discord blinked. He blinked a few more times, his eyes spinning around. He took them out, rubbing them against his fur chest, and popped them back in. He looked over at the still relaxed Celestia. “... What?” He managed. Celestia beamed. “That was Andrew Shepherd, our resident human. He managed to get romantically entangled with all six of the holders of the Elements of Harmony and my sister, and got almost all of them pregnant. And he learned of this and was happily proposing marriage to all of them. They accepted… Just as their families all walked in.” She sipped on her mocha. “Just in time to hear him say ‘I’m so awesome! I knocked them all up at once! Humans rule!’ And so…” She waved her hoof out in the direction of the screaming. “And… The running?” Discord asked. “Since humans have more endurance than ponies,” Celestia explained, “he can tire them all out until they can calm down. Shouldn’t take more than a few dozen additional laps.” Celestia smiled, almost impishly. She held out another frozen coffee. “Mocha?” Discord blinked a few more times. He snapped his fingers, and summoned up his own lounge chair. He laid back in it, and accepted Celestia’s mocha. He sipped on the straw, the plastic cup surrounding the chocolate mix vanishing. He stared at the sun princess in something akin to awe. “You have never been hotter to me than you are right now,” he said. Celestia chuckled throatily, pulling her sunglasses back up. “I know~.” FIN Author's Note A fun silly epilogue that may or may not be canon. Hope you enjoy your Christmas Present just a bit early...
OneThe Stars Revolt! A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. So, as it turns out, humans can adjust to living anywhere. Even a world ruled by sapient, magic equines. Yeah I wish I was kidding. I felt like I’d ended up in a pastel version of Aesop’s fables crossed with a sadistic session of Dungeons and Dragons. But hey: I was no hero. I was just an average male human from Earth: I got to work as a handyman, and that suited me just fine. Yes, it’s a pun. Don’t worry, there are a LOT more where that one came from. I don’t know, maybe it’s the translation magic that lets me speak Horse. I’ll leave that to the linguists, philosophers and stand up comedians to sort out. Hey, I’m Andrew Shepherd. And to my knowledge, I’m the first human being to ever end up on an alien world. I still don’t know how: One minute, I was relaxing in bed after a hard day’s work and the next, I was falling into a forest full of monsters. I ran for my life and was found by the local sapient natives. After some examination and testing by the local scientists, wizards, and god-queen, I was declared not a threat and allowed to apply for citizenship. Which I did. Another thing for the boys back home to work out, if I ever get back there. I was offered a nice job as a handyman in a little town called Ponyville, and frankly I was glad for it. The capital city, Canterlot, was like Minas Tirith high on whimsy and where the noble ponies all saw me as either a freak, a key to political maneuvering, or both. In comparison, the simple ponies of Ponyville took only a few weeks to adjust to my presence. I made friends, did good work, helped others. Got my own little house with clean running water, lights powered by magic, a refrigerator in a proper kitchen, a cozy bed, and a bookshelf filled with books to read. It was a slower pace of life: Nopony had invented television yet, so everything media wise was print or radio. But I didn’t mind this too much. A slower world was one that was easier to adjust to, after all. I grew close with a local animal expert, one Miss Fluttershy of Cloudsdale. She was a pegasus pony who could fly, but preferred activity on the ground. She took to me immediately, as she loved all animals. That I was the first and only one of my kind was a source of endless fascination, but she was also warm and friendly and kind. And surprisingly a big fan of their equivalent of manga, which she shared with me eagerly. She also had a strange tendency to sleep fly. Often ending up in my house, cuddled up to me in my bed. I guess I didn’t mind too much, but the rumors that flew about us were a bit embarrassing. Especially when it happened on Hearts and Hooves Day. Oh yeah: Like any other society, the ponies marked the change in seasons with celebration. And on this day, almost a year after I’d first appeared, there was a great celebration. The Summer Sun Celebration, where they would honor the longest day of the year by partying all night long before. Usually, I would be up for that. A hard day’s work, however, had persuaded me to try to turn in early. I also had to deal with a crazy purple unicorn who was some emissary of the princess, and a lot of other hard jobs. So I thought some sleep would be nice. Unfortunately… My cottage was near the town hall. Where the local party planner/sugar addict, Pinkamenia Diane Pie (or Pinkie Pie for short), was holding a loud, raucous party. With loud booming music and equally loud cries, laughs and screams. And of course, flashing lights of multiple colors that kept me up. I sighed, and sat up in my bed. I rubbed my face and grumbled. “Damn ponies,” I muttered. I sighed, stretching my arms up over my head. I checked the clock-Yup, it was nearly dawn. I grumbled a bit. The music didn’t stop, of course. It just kept going. I’d politely declined going to the celebration-Pinkie Pie had looked so heartbroken I’d nearly changed my mind. But I’d stayed firm. I wasn’t going to the party, and that was final. … So of course, hours later, with the music pounding in my skull, I decided I would go. If only to not have to suffer alone. Pinkie Pie is… Different. Even in a world of talking, magic equines where one (the queen, though she calls herself ‘princess’ for some inane reason) literally controls the motions of the sun and moon, she stands out for how weird she is, with her ability to teleport and talk without breathing and tendency to pop up out of nowhere. Maybe she’s Loki’s granddaughter-She had mentioned Sleipner at some point. Asking her about her strange abilities just went over her head, and I got the feeling that it was better not to inquire further. Stare into the Pink Abyss too long, and it makes faces back at you. Still, for an Eldritch abomination in a pink pony suit, she was very kind. She was the first to welcome me to Ponyville and threw me a great party. Though her tendency to greet me in the mornings with her party cannon weren’t as great. So I got dressed and trudged my way to the town hall. Most ponies didn’t wear clothing full time-They had fur, after all-but they still wore them for certain purposes. So there was a seamstress and designer in town: One Rarity Belle. She was rather melodramatic, but unfailingly generous, kind, and intelligent to talk to. Sure, most of it was gossip but she had an incredible talent for social-fu and had helped me avoid many a faux pas. She had also been delighted to make clothing for me: The idea of a world of creatures that all wore clothes almost all the time was a fascinating one. Rarity was also a flirt, and despite her being an entirely different species? I could say that I was… Tempted to engage in, as Larry Niven called it, rishathra with her. There was still a part of me that was weirded out by them being akin to horses, but every session with Rarity made that part of me quieter and quieter. Damnit… All these naked ponies. I hadn’t been an ass man but Equestria was doing its level best to change that. I yawned and covered my mouth as I approached town hall. Several ponies were already gathered, and many of them greeted me with cheerful smiles and kind hellos. I returned them as best I could, giving a smile back. I caught sight of an orange mare with a cowboy hat, and I grinned. “Hey Applejack!” I said with a wave. The mare beamed back at me. “Howdy sugarcube! Nice to see you up and about!” She winked. “Finally decided t’ join us?” “Well, can’t sleep, might as well surrender,” I said with a shrug. “How’d your last race with Dash go?” Applejack huffed. “Ah wish you’d been there t’ referee. Ah swear she cheated again!” Applejack’s accent was translated via the spell into an American southern accent-A touch of Texas. I guess it was kind of like how Japanese English dubs made Osakan characters sound southern: To reflect her working class sensibility. She and her large, extended family had also greeted me warmly. I’d happily helped their large apple farm with many repairs, and they’d given me not just money but also wonderful family dinners and gifts of food and furniture. A blue pegasus flew down and pushed down Applejack’s hat over her eyes, making the orange mare yelp. The Rainbow maned mare laughed, as Applejack glared up at her. “You’re just a sore loser!” Rainbow Dash laughed. She grinned at me. “Hey Shepherd! Your weather thing is broken again!” “You mean it broke, or do you actually mean you broke it? Again?” I asked wryly. She laughed and floated behind me, resting her chin on my head and her hooves over my shoulders as we walked into the large town hall. “Come on, you know you love fixing it! It means you can see me be even more awesome!” She grinned. I shrugged. “That would be a nice change of pace,” I replied. Dash snorted, and lightly bopped me on the head. She flew away. “Your loss!” Rainbow Dash was a pegasus who helped managed the weather. She was also really, really fast and incredibly cocky. She was, however, a lot of fun and had a wicked sense of humor. She was a bit of a nice change of pace from most of the other happy, edgeless ponies. She did have a strange habit of touching me a lot-Maybe it was a pegasus thing? I yawned, and rubbed my eyes. All the ponies had gone ahead to the stage. I turned around and headed for the lobby-I had smelled some coffee, and my caffeine deprived body demanded I partake. I found the coffee maker and a cup, and poured myself one. I added a lot of sugar and milk, while the Mayor made some kind of speech. The curtains must have opened, because there was a loud gasp by all the ponies. I turned around and sipped my coffee, as everything had gone incredibly silent. “Mm, Sumatran,” I mumbled. I blinked, noticing how quiet it was. "... Sound system go on the fritz again?" "BWAHAHAHAHAHA! THE NIGHT SHALL LAST FOREVERRRR!" I looked up at the stage. A very tall, black pony with wings in blue armor was cackling. I blinked in confusion. "... I guess I missed the part about it being open mike night. Or a cosplay contest,” I mumbled. Everyone else was still silent. It was getting awkward. I looked at the stage and smiled, punching a fist into the air. I cheered for the cackling performer. Hey, if no one else was going to... "Uh, you go! Great performance! And costume! Never seen anything like it! WOO!” I shouted. The black pony teleported, appearing right in front of me in an instant. She glared at me, baring long, sharp teeth which gleamed. I blinked owlishly, and sipped my coffee. "You dare mock me, you hairless ape?!" She demanded. I blinked again. "Sooo... Audience participation?” I asked. Okay, a little weird, but hey. I wasn’t going to spoil things for this enthusiastic performer. “Should I act scared?” I asked softly. I raised my voice, widening my eyes in mock terror. “Ahh, oh no, she's... She's got me." I lowered my voice again. "That okay?" Okay, so I wasn’t an actor. Sue me. The tall pony didn’t seem happy, snapping her jaws at me. I dropped my coffee, and it spilled onto the floor. "We'll see how long your attitude lasts when the SUN IS GONE AND MY NIGHT REIGNS SUPREME!" She bellowed, making my ears hurt. I covered them, and winced. "GAH! Jesus Lady! It's called volume control!" Annoyed, I reached out and grabbed her horn. I heard everyone gasp-Especially the performer. I stayed calm, and reached up to scritch behind her pointed ears. It was a bit difficult getting under her helmet, but a good ear scritch was something that had let me make a lot of friends here in Ponyville. "Look, I'm sure you're doing a great job but I'm just not into this. You're going to have to choose another volunteer from the audience, okay?" I gave her a comforting smile. She blushed through her dark fur, her eyes glowing in confusion and fury. "You-How dare you-?!" She sputtered. She then moaned loudly-Yes, my nails had found her sweet spot. I smiled as she leaned into my scritching fingers. "There you go, calm down. See? Sorry if I broke your rhythm." I looked around at the gaping faces of a multitude of ponies. Fluttershy’s eyes were the widest I’d ever seen. "SHEPHERD GET AWAY FROM HER!" She screamed-Easily the loudest I’d ever heard her. I winced, realizing that I’d done something incredibly stupid. I’ve probably screwed up their whole celebration-Like making a ham sandwich out of the Quran during Ramadan. I hoped I wouldn’t get stoned to death. I looked around, and cleared my throat as my hands continued to pet the tall alicorn. "Oh God, I really have ruined things this time. I'm sorry guys, I didn't know-!” Applejack shook her head. "No! Ya don’t understand! She's Nightmare Moon!" Nightmare Moon? "And that means...?" I asked, confused. I got more looks of disbelief, like they couldn’t believe I could be this stupid. I guess I couldn't either. The purple unicorn who had made my work day weird stepped up. What was her name-Twilight something? "She's an evil alicorn princess who wants to plunge the world into eternal night and destroy the planet! She sealed away Princess Celestia!” The purple unicorn shouted. I blinked. I blinked again. “... Ah.” I slowly turned to look into the eyes of the alicorn, my hands still scritching and rubbing away. “Ahhh…” I smiled nervously at the now very imposing alicorn, who was staring back. “Ahhhhh… I… I see.” My hands wouldn’t stop. Why wouldn’t my hands stop?! Somehow, miraculously, my mouth kept talking. “Ahem. Listen, your majesty, I'm new here and I don't really understand the politics going on between you and… Everything. So you'll have to forgive me if I crossed any line, if I insulted you, or-" She grinned, her sharp teeth shining. Her mane came to life, pushing my hands off her head. She licked her chops. "Mmmm... Yessss... You will do,” she said. I blinked. "Do? Do for what?" I asked slowly. Nightmare Moon laughed villainously, making everypony wince and tremble. "As my consort. I will need one for ruling the world and you will do! TO MY CASTLE, MY NEW CONCUBINE!" Her mane expanded out into tendrils that reached out. I was frozen in fear, so it wasn’t hard for her to grab me around my waist, wrists, and ankles. She lifted me up, still laughing evilly. And really, there was only one thing I could do. "I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULLLLLLLTTTTTTT!" I shrieked, as we were teleported away into darkness! Author's Note You can consider this a sort of spin off of "Hands". I'm just using the same OC here. It originally started as a script style omake, but it grew into its own thing. So I'm going to post these bits as they're done. It will be in three parts, but I may write more in this same universe.
TwoThe Stars Revolt! A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. So, for any humans thinking that Equestria would be easy pickings for military occupation and exploitation, allow me to advise against it. One, I've done a lot of work to make a good first impression of our species to an alien race. And you repeating the mistakes of the past would really screw up our chances of building a peaceful Federation of Planets. And two, Earth would probably lose. They have a princess that can literally control the sun and moon. I know-I asked her to prove it. She proved it. She was happy, nay, eager to prove it. Apparently she'd never met a creature who doubted her ability to move the sun and was happy to be thorough about it. Suffice it to say, I believed it. And walking on the sun is not nearly as mellow an experience as Smashmouth made it seem. Point is, she has a sun; that is Game Over. And even if she didn't? The ponies control the weather around here. They can move the clouds and control lightning. They can make the rain, snow, and the wind blow at will. They would turn any invasion into Napoleon's Invasion of Russia, but worse. Except, there was one place their weather magic didn't work. A place of chaotic magic and gigantic monsters. A place I was intimately familiar with, because it's where I appeared when I got to this crazy planet: The Everfree Forest. Apparently it was originally the site of a castle Princess Celestia and Princess Luna had ruled Equestria from, but after she went Nightmare Moon, Celestia moved the capital to Canterlot. As a result, the ancient palace was in ruins-Covered in vines, filled with trees and beasts, and about as welcoming as a prison cell in Minas Morgul. One more Lord of the Rings reference and I get a free Slurpee. Here, I was being held against my will. I was forced to do the most unholy things to appease my Dark Mistress, the dreaded Empress of Evil. Things that to this day make me shudder in horror. Because goddamnit... She was disturbingly cute when I was holding her in my lap and giving her belly rubs. As well as emotionally validating her. I guess no matter where you go in the universe, you'll find millennials. Even Millennial millennials. I'm sorry. ... I'm not sorry. "Who's a good destroyer of worlds?" I said with as much enthusiasm I could muster-Which was not much. I was a hostage. My fingers clawed through her belly fur, and she shuddered in bliss. She licked her chops as she looked up at me. I raised a finger up, and lifted it to her nose. I gently booped her nose, making her gasp. "I am?" She asked. I nodded. She grinned. "I am!" "Yes," I sighed. I resumed my stroking. "Who's the cutest destroyer of worlds and soooo much better than her stupid, stupid sister?" Nightmare Moon looked at me expectantly. I again booped her, and she laughed evilly. "I AM!" I let out a longer sigh as I wondered just what I had done for God to punish me so. I mean, I suppose I was better off than Job... But not by much. "Okay, look, Your Highness-" I began. She moaned erotically, her magic mane grabbed my ear and pulling my face disturbingly close to hers. I winced as she 'whispered' in my ear, loud enough to rattle my ear drums. "Call me 'Mistress', oooh. My beloved concubine, call me that!" She commanded. I let out another very long sigh. I think I had developed an eye twitch. "Okay, not dignifying that," I stated. I looked imploringly at her, trying to be as calm and rational an adult as possible. "Listen, your Highness: If you have it be eternal night, you'll cause an ice age and kill off all life on the planet. That's not going to leave you with anything to rule, is it? What good is being a Princess if you have no kingdom?" Nightmare Moon snorted, pouting up at me like a petulant child. "I will not destroy all life!" She declared, pointing up with one of her long legs. "I shall make them worship me, and prefer the night! All that hard work, all the sacrifices and loss I suffered-And they had the temerity to prefer my sunny sister?!" Her eyes were glowing in rage and hurt, and despite my predicament I couldn't help feeling some empathy with this crazed evil empress. Great, I hope this isn't the first step towards Stockholm Syndrome. "I can understand that," I began. "I can understand not being appreciated. I dated women who were single handedly responsible for the birth, marriage, and happiness rates in the Western world declining over the past twenty years. I get it. But this is not the way to do it!" Nightmare Moon's glare turned icy. "Why do you persist in this, Consort? This is not even your world!" She demanded. I glared back. "I'm still one of the idiots who has to live on this world!" I cried, as evenly as I could. "I can't do much living if I'm dead, can I?" Okay that may have sounded better in my head. But I loved Guardians of the Galaxy. Sue me. Fed up at last, Nightmare Moon rose from my lap to her hooves. She towered over me, glaring in fury. I felt very small and very terrified, but I somehow managed to still look her in the eyes. I never claimed to be smart. "I knew it!" Nightmare Moon thundered. "You have a lover you seek to protect!" I could now claim to be extremely confused. "What?! No! Nonono!" I said quickly, waving my hands in as subservient a way as possible. Which was not apparently not good enough, judging from how the alicorn princess seethed. "You cannot lie! I know your thoughts! It's the purple one, isn't it?!" She roared. Well now I was really confused and scared. I mean, granted, I was dealing with a mad magical empress but even madness needs some kind of method! "What?! No! I-I just met her!" I cried. "I mean, I'll admit I've had thoughts about ponies in that way, but it's not exactly-I mean I don't-!" Her horn glowed, and what appeared to be a small TV screen appeared in front of me. I gaped in disbelief, as I saw my own hands at work on a pipe outside of Rarity's boutique. "Did… Did you just read my mind? Are you reading my mind?!" I shouted. "SILENCE!" Nightmare Moon declared. In the memory, a purple unicorn called out to me. I looked right at her as she trotted up to me. She was panting hard, frazzled and stressed out. Behind her a few paces was a small purple dragon, who looked faintly amused. I gave the unicorn a winning smile. "Can I help you, Miss…?" I prompted. "Twilight Sparkle, representative of the Princess," she panted. "Hey, listen. Some pony told me that you're… You're an alien?" I sighed in a slightly self deprecating way. "Yes, I am. If you want a picture, it's five bits. Signed, it's ten." Yes, I make a nice bit of coin on the side as a tourist attraction. No, I have no shame when it comes to that. The unicorn shook her head furiously. "No, no, no! I'm not a tourist! I just have to... Well..." Her horn lit up, and a beam of magical energy ran over my body. I yelped as it went right through me. Like prunes. "Ack! Hey! That tingles!" I shouted. Twilight frowned, and poked me in the gut. She trotted around me in a circle, scanning me from all angles. She pulled out a stethoscope and began listening to my lungs. "I-Seriously, can I help you?" I asked in bewildered annoyance. She came around to my front and looked at me intently. "Do you have any special abilities? Increased magical sensitivity, super strength, laser vision?" She asked in desperation. I rolled my eyes. "Only under a red sun," I deadpanned. Twilight groaned, bowing her head. "Then you can't help me! You can't help anypony! We're doomed!" She cried. I reached out and took her hooves between my hands, trying to be comforting. "Okay, look. It's obvious you're stressed out. Let's get some food, on me. And for your dragon friend too," I said, turning my smile over to the dragon. He grinned back happily, even as his unicorn friend shook her head. "Ah?! I don't-I can't-!" Twilight tried, and then her dragon stepped up to her side. "We'd love to! And I'm Spike! What's your name?" "Andrew Shepherd," I said. I led the protesting Twilight and the happy Spike to a nearby cafe. We sat down at a table, surrounded by other, happily chatting ponies. I ordered her a daffodil sandwich and tea, and good old PB and J, potato chips and tea for me. For Spike, I got the same and some soda. As our food was delivered by the peppy waiter, the purple unicorn kept up her protests. "Look, this really isn't necessary-!" Twilight tried, but I shook my head. "Come on, eat. Or at least have some tea. Calms the nerves. Trust me, I needed that the first few months I was here." I had a sip of tea to emphasize my point. Twilight's face crumpled into a grimace, as she lifted some tea to her lips. She took a sip. "Fine. I had a drink. Now if you'll excuse me," she stated. I raised an eyebrow, confused. "What's the rush?" I asked. Twilight grumbled, fed up. "I... You see... You wouldn't believe me!" She huffed. "Try me," I said. "I mean, I'm an alien, after all." "Even an alien wouldn't believe me," she huffed. "Everypony in this town is crazy!" I rolled my eyes. I reached out and rested a hand on her hoof. She looked up at me, blushing a bit. "Twilight Sparkle. I'm Andrew Shepherd. I come from a planet with no magic, and only my species is the intelligent one. I ended up here entirely by accident, and I've had to deal with the impossible every day. Trust me, I will believe you." I gave her a grin that you might call heroic. Maybe. If you squinted. "Well..." She began to talk at length about her worries and concerns, and her desperate mission. I nodded, eating my sandwich and sipping my tea until she finished. I hummed thoughtfully. "Okay. So, a horrible ancient evil is about to rise and your mentor, the Princess of Equestria, tells you to come here and make some friends," I summarized. Twilight nodded eagerly. "Yes! I don't understand why!" She glared down at her untouched sandwich, as Spike happily gulped down his soda. I sighed and shrugged. "Look, you're her apprentice. You know her well-Better than me. She doesn't seem... You know... Insane? Or uncaring?" I asked. She stared at me like I was some kind of hideous alien creature-Oh right. "What? No! Not at all!" Twilight cried, more than a little defensively. I shrugged. "Well then, maybe she has a good reason for you to come here and make friends," I said. Twilight scoffed. "What could that be?!" She demanded. I shrugged again. The sandwiches were good, but I was still pretty hungry. "I don't know," I admitted, "but maybe it's something you should try? I'm just saying." "I... Maybe... I don't know," Twilight sighed. She looked up at me sheepishly. "Well, thanks anyway. I've... Never actually met an alien before." I shrugged back and grinned. "I've never been on a date with one before. So that's a first for us both," I said. I will admit, the neurotic little unicorn looked very cute when she was blushing. Her horn flared with magic. "Ah-Uh-A d-date?! I mean, I've never, this wasn't-!" "Shepherd!" The proprietor of the cafe, a snooty stallion named Savore Faire, was suddenly looming over us. "You told me you'd be fixing my oven an hour ago!" "Ah!" I raised my hands up. "Sorry about that, Savore. I got a little distracted, but come on. It's just an hour. How bad-?" Smoke began to pour out of the cafe, as ponies began to flee. My genteel smile became rather brittle, as Savore just glared. I sighed and looked at the embarrassed Twilight. She looked down. "I'm sorry," she said. I sighed. "It's all right," I managed. "It happens. Hope the rest of your day goes better." I got up, dropping some bits on the table. The magically induced flashback ended. I had a headache. Nightmare Moon looked triumphant, her sharp teeth gleaming in the night. "HA! I told you! She is your lover!" "NO! NO! Come on, it was just lunch!" I cried defensively. "I just met her! She made more work for me-And she didn't take it like that!" I shook my head. "Trust me, she absolutely, definitely does not have any romantic feelings for me! And I don't for her!" Nightmare Moon gave me the evil eye. "Really?" "Yes! Really!" I insisted. "And she's definitely not trying to find a way to defeat you!" Meanwhile… Twilight Sparkle and a number of the ponies she had met that day were gathered at the edge of the Everfree Forest. She had found a book on the Elements of Harmony, the one thing that might defeat Nightmare Moon and save Equestria. And she wanted to go in, alone, to save Equestria. The strange mares, however, would not back down. Despite the gravity of the situation and the stakes involved, they were willing to go all the way with her. "It's our world too! We're not letting you go alone!" Rainbow Dash insisted. "Besides, she kidnapped Shepherd!" Pinkie Pie pointed out. "We can't let her just have him!" "All right," Twilight sighed. She gave them as encouraging a smile as she could, moved by their courage. "If I can't talk you out of it, let's go save Equestria!" "Yeah!" They all cheered, in varying accents and volumes. Pinkie Pie beamed. "And save our coltfriend!" She added. They all cheered again, save for Fluttershy. "YEAH!" Fluttershy just looked shocked, and Twilight could swear she felt her glare. Twilight turned bright red, and began shaking her head rapidly. "Wait what?! He's not my-we didn't-IT'S NOT LIKE THAT! But let's save him anyway!" "YEAH!" The mares cheered, save for Fluttershy. "Yay he's not her coltfriend!" She quietly cheered. Twilight blinked. "Wait, what did you say?" "Nothing!" Fluttershy squeaked. Author's Note Chapter the second! Hope you enjoyed it. Just one more to go!
ThreeThe Stars Revolt! A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. So as it turned out, Twilight and my friends (also her friends) were indeed trying to get to the Palace to stop Nightmare Moon and save the world. At least according to the crystal ball Nightmare Moon was using to spy on them. Because at this point, why not pull out every magical villain cliche in the book? That was the good news. The bad news was that apparently Nightmare Moon was done playing around. "My tricks, traps and illusions didn't work," she cursed, pacing around in front of me. "Those little FOALS! CURSES!" I sighed as I sat on a broken stone wall. I rolled my eyes-How cliched can you get? "Maybe you should have sent out some powerful minions to kill them rather than playing Snidely Whiplash," I muttered. I then slapped a hand over my mouth, my eyes wide. Nightmare Moon grinned at me. "OF COURSE! I should have done that from the start!" She turned and flared the power of her horn. Several statues of pegasi burst into real pegasi, all dressed in dark purple outfits with goggles. I slapped my other hand over my forehead and groaned. "Me and my big mouth." The pegasi stood at attention before their dark princess, ready to fly. Nightmare Moon nodded in approval. "Shadowbolts! Seek out and destroy Celestia's Apprentice!" Nightmare Moon ordered. "As you wish, my Queen!" They shouted in perfect unison. I stood up and slid in front of Nightmare Moon, putting up my very best "Please don't kill me" smile. You'd be surprised how often it comes in handy. "WAIT! Wait, you don't have to do that! I absolutely promise you don't have to do it! After all, if I had the idea it must be stupid! Completely stupid!" Tyrion Lannister I am not. Oh well, at least I was taller. "Please! You are far too hard on yourself, my Consort!" Nightmare Moon bellowed. "Twilight Sparkle travels here even now to destroy me!" "Okay, maybe she is," I admitted. "But maybe she's here to…" To what? To swear allegiance to her? She'd never buy that! "To… Rescue me?" I suggested. "You did kind of kidnap me. So she really just wants to see me and make sure I'm not hurt." Nightmare Moon gave me a deadpan expression. "Do you really think I would believe that?" The alicorn asked. I shrugged helplessly. "Okay, well," I tried, "Why not let her come here to face you in single combat? To prove your superiority to her?" Her deadpan expression grew even more deadpan. "That is even more ridiculous!" Okay, yes, it was. Why did I have to get kidnapped by the one evil alicorn that's read the Evil Overlord's List?! I sighed, and smiled at her as sincerely as I could manage. What was the old saying? "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' while you get a rock?" I think I'd need something a hell of a lot bigger for this dog. "Okay, look," I said, "Why don't I give you belly rubs for as long as you like? And in exchange, you don't send the Shadowbolts to destroy her and her friends?" Bribery. It was all I had left. Nightmare Moon shook her head slowly. "That would be nice… However! I already sent them!" She cackled. I gaped at her. "What?!" I looked over-Yeah they were gone. Long gone. Damnit. Nightmare Moon huffed, shaking her head on her long neck. "You will have no one else but me, consort! YOU NEED NO ONE ELSE! Now give me bellyrubs!" She grinned bestially. I took a deep breath. I steeled myself, and glared up at the alicorn. "I'm not giving bellyrubs to you anymore," I stated, loud and clear. Nightmare Moon's eyes widened. "What?! You cannot deny me! YOU ARE MY CONSORT!" she roared. I glared back at her, standing my ground. "Look you crazy horse," I began, "you're the one who decided that! I didn't have any input! You just kidnapped me!" "That is the way of Nightmare Moon!" She laid on her back and looked up at me with an almost adorable expression. "Now! BELLY RUBS!" I crossed my arms over my chest and stayed put. "No! Bad Nightmare Moon! No belly rubs!" "WHAT?!" The alicorn got back up and roared right in my face. "I WILL DESTROY YOU!" I sighed, and shrugged. I turned around and sat on the floor. "Fine. Go ahead. But if you do? No. More. Bellyrubs. Or ear scritches. Or massages," I stated. Nightmare Moon growled. "I… I'LL DO IT! I'LL DESTROY YOU!" "Better hurry it up!" I stated, drawing random shapes in the dust on the stone floor. Outside of course I was as cool and calm as I could manage. Inside, I was performing a full body wince in anticipation of a horrible demise. But this was literally the only card I had left to play. "I WILL! I'LL DESTROY YOU! THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING LEFT!" Nightmare Moon bellowed, making the ground rumble. She stomped on the floor in fury. "BELLY RUBS! NOW!" I remained unmoved. I just kept drawing in the dust, ignoring her. Nightmare Moon grumbled. "All right… What if we made a bargain?" She asked. Almost sweetly. I gave her my most sarcastic smile. "Will you raise the sun again?" I asked. "Anything but that," Nightmare Moon growled. I shrugged. "Then I guess…" I leaned in, really close. She leaned in closer as well. "I'll have to say… No." Nightmare Moon seethed. "I SWEAR I'LL DESTROY YOU, YOU STUPID MONKEY!" Well, they say if you pull the racism card you've lost the argument... Some time later… Twilight Sparkle made it into the Palace, while her friends held off the Shadowbolts. She didn't like the idea of leaving her newly found friends to fight those terrible Shadowbolts. However after seeing Pinkie Pie pull a cannon out of nowhere and shoot one in the face, she was more confident they could handle themselves. As for her own chances… She was far less so. She was expecting to be challenged by Nightmare Moon. She was expecting a battle to the death. She wasn't... Expecting this. Nightmare Moon and Shepherd in the middle of what looked like a childish argument. Nightmare Moon had her nose in the air, and was looking like she was trying to ignore Shepherd. The human was sitting with his legs crossed, his arms firmly over his chest as she stomped foalishly around him. "Hmph! Your bellyrubs aren't that good anyway!" Nightmare Moon declared. He rolled his eyes. "Fine! Then you won't miss them! Or the ear scritches, either!" Nightmare Moon stiffened, then snorted. "I-I can go without those forever! I will get a new consort! A trained ape! He'll be better!" Nightmare Moon mocked. The human shrugged again. "Fine by me! Go ahead! Find another one that talks! Or can find those spots you like," he retorted. Nightmare Moon grimaced, grinding her razor sharp teeth. She took a deep breath. With all of her attention on Shepherd, Twilight realized that Nightmare Moon wouldn't be paying any attention to her. So she quickly but quietly moved towards the platform where the Elements of Harmony were lying. Inert, but intact. "... Nnngh..!" Nightmare Moon huffed, sagging a bit, "How about one hour of sunlight a day?" "No," Shepherd huffed. "Two hours!" Nighmare Moon offered. "No!" The human again snorted. "Come onnnn..." She nuzzled him, but he pushed her away, "Three!" "You know what number I want," he stated firmly. Twilight managed to get to the platform, and activated her horn. She sent magic into the Elements, trying to activate them. The crystals rose, glowed… And then fell, shattering. The sound attracted the attention of Nightmare Moon and Shepherd. Twilight gasped in horror. "What?! No!" she cried. Nightmare Moon's eyes widened in shock… Then she turned in rage to snarl at Shepherd. "... YOU! YOU WERE DISTRACTING ME THE ENTIRE TIME!" Nightmare Moon roared, knocking Shepherd over. He pushed himself back up, and held his hands up. "Ummmm... Well, that depends. If those are the Elements of Harmony that can defeat you and bring back the sun? Well…" He offered a nervous smile. "Kind of, yes?" Nightmare Moon blasted him with her magic, sending his tall form right through the nearest brick wall. It was smashed through and they collapsed, sending up a plume of dust. Twilight gaped in horror. "SHEPHERD!" She cried. Nightmare Moon's mane lashed out and grabbed her around the throat. "ACK!" "You two planned this together, didn't you?! FROM THE START!" "AUGH! I-We didn't-!" Twilight struggled in her grip. Nightmare Moon's jaws snapped at her, like a hungry lion's. "W-Wait…!" A weak voice echoed through the hall. Nightmare Moon looked over at the debris pile. Shepherd emerged, battered, bruised and bleeding. He got up onto his arms, struggling and gasping hard against the agony of his broken body. "No! No... Don't! It's… It's me! I did it! Whatever… It was! If you want to hurt someone, hurt me! Just... Just leave her alone, please!" "Shepherd," Twilight gasped. Some strange alien she had barely known for a day was so injured, so hurt… Yet still willing to stand up for her! Still willing to fight and try and help her! "Well... Now that the Elements are destroyed, it doesn't really matter, does it?!" Nightmare Moon dropped Twilight, teleporting like a wisp of smoke right behind Shepherd. She seized the badly injured human in her tendrils, wrenching him up. He screamed in agony, tears pouring from his eyes. "I'll kill him in front of you before I finish you off, so you'll get to see everything you care about die! Your lover, your mentor, and your precious Elements!" That was the moment… That it hit Twilight. She stood up, feeling new hope dawning within her. "No... No, the Elements aren't gone! They were with me... The entire time! Honesty! Kindness! Generosity! Loyalty! Laughter! They were with me from the start! The friends I made along the way-They were the Elements!" Nightmare Moon laughed, choking the badly bleeding Shepherd. Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy galloped in, their foes defeated behind them. Even with this, the Dark Alicorn was unphased. "You still lack the sixth element, foal!" "No," Twilight gasped, looking right into the eyes of her friends,"because I know what it is now!" She began to glow, as did the shattered Elements. Her friends began to glow too, and all of them gained necklaces of their Cutie Marks. Twilight herself gained a crown, as the light and power of the Elements of Harmony shone through the air! "The Sixth Element is Magic... The Magic... OF FRIENDSHIP!" A gigantic rainbow beam blasted from the six ponies, washing over Nightmare Moon and Shepherd. Nightmare Moon screamed as Shepherd is dropped. He and the dark alicorn vanished in the beam, the light filling the ancient castle and flashing across the landscape like a beacon of hope. High above, the sun broke through the eternal night, and the sky became a gorgeous blue. That was Twilight's perspective. Mine? Mine was of the worst pain imaginable, unable to tell what bones were broken and which weren't. They all hurt the same. Then came the light-Like Gandalf riding in with the Rohirrim at dawn. All my worries, all my fears, and all of my pain was washed away in the cleansing light as Nightmare Moon screamed, and faded away. I was left lying on an uncomfortable stone floor, feeling… Well, the opposite of what I had been feeling a few moments ago. Like I'd just had the most wonderful night's sleep, and woke up feeling refreshed. I stared up at the blue sky of day. I heard a bird chirp happily. Twilight's face filled my vision. She looked worried. "Shepherd?! Are you all right?" She cried. She was knocked out of the way by a concerned Fluttershy. "Please, speak to me! Are you feeling any pain?" She cried. "Did she hurt you?! Touch you inappropriately?" "Ah, no, I'm fine, I'm fine," I said quickly. I sat up slowly, rubbing my temples as Fluttershy's hooves and wings went all over me, "I think the… Magical Deathray healed me-HEEP! FLUTTERSHY!" "Oh! Sorry!" Fluttershy mumbled, pulling her hoof back. "I didn't mean to-I was just very worried!" "Oh, that's okay," I said, patting her on the head. "I know you'd never do anything inappropriate to me." "Without your permission," Fluttershy murmured. I blinked. I couldn't have heard that right. "What was tha-?" "WOW! You got healed completely!" Pinkie Pie gasped, bouncing in front of me. She leaned over. "And you're not Twilight's coltfriend! You're Fluttershy's coltfriend!" Fluttershy turned bright red, and began squeaking. I sighed. "Pinkie Pie, I'm not-" "Of course you're not! You're ALL our coltfriend!" Pinkie Pie cried. "You were the damsel in distress, and we saved you! Now you're all ours!" She hugged my arm with a happy smile. "Please be gentle, it's my first time!" I rolled my eyes. I looked over at Twilight, who was looking confused as Rainbow Dash laughed, Applejack snickered, and Rarity admired her mane. I beamed at the purple unicorn. "You did great," I said. "You all did." Twilight blushed, and worried her hoof against the floor. Fluttershy was still bright red. Pinkie Pie grinned. Twilight hummed and grinned at me. "You… You too," she said. "You didn't have to sacrifice yourself for me-um, us. For us." I shrugged. "Well... You know... Needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one." "Huh?" Twilight asked, confused. I shook my head. "Just words of wisdom spoken by a great Vulcan philosopher. Back on Earth." "Well. Um... Thank you," Twilight managed. Fluttershy smiled shyly. "Th-Thank you," Fluttershy whispered. I smiled back, and reached out to rub her head. Pinkie Pie huffed. "Thank you! Now give me ear scritches! I just helped save the world, and you're my coltfriend now!" I rolled my eyes, and began scratching behind her ears. Pinkie Pie sighed happily. "Hey, do ah get the benefits o' rescuing the damsel too?" Applejack asked with a grin. "He only gets to wear an apron and makes me dinner before I get home!" Dash laughed. "I just hope he can still carry me off and ravish me," Rarity murmured shyly, her hoof over her muzzle. I sighed. "I really hate you all," I muttered. "We love you too, you grumpy monkey," Pinkie Pie giggled, nuzzling me. Okay that was kind of racist, but I let it go because I love this crazy pink little horse. She gets 'M' word privileges. "Ahem." We all turned to look at Princess Celestia… Who was standing with a much smaller, more slender light blue alicorn in princess garb. I blinked, as she blinked right back. She then blushed severely. "I'm so glad you discovered the magic of Friendship, Twilight. You really did it! Just as I knew you would!" She bowed to Twilight. "And you all saved my dear little sister, Princess Luna. All of you, thank you so much!" She smiled at me. "Especially you, Andrew Shepherd. Without any powers, a fragile human being like yourself helped save Equestria. I am so glad you came among us." "I… Thank you, Your Majesty," I managed. I mean, when an immortal demi goddess thanks you, what else are you supposed to do. Nightmare-Er, I mean, Princess Luna, also smiled warmly at me. She blushed and looked aside. "We are so sorry for what she did to you," she said in a sweet, soft voice. Wow she was cute-I sure hoped she stayed this small and demure. I offered a smile back. "Well, it's all right. It wasn't you, and I'm all better now," I said reassuringly. Her blush worsened, as she looked at my shoulder. "Ahem. Of course, having taken hold of my horn, thou must become my betrothed to save us both from shame-" "Wait, what?!" I wasn't the only person to cry this. Hell, even Fluttershy sounded loud as she echoed the same sentiment. Oh crap I'm getting engaged to a princess?! Oh God, I am a terrible Isekai protagonist! It was the kind of realization that makes you want to jump in front of a truck. Even if that might lead you to becoming an even worse isekai protagonist! Celestia laughed softly, and nuzzled her sister. "Sister dear, that is no longer the custom," she said gently. Luna blushed and looked down at her hooves. "Oh..." We all breathed a sigh of relief. Was it my imagination, or did Fluttershy hug me more tightly? Or maybe that was Rainbow Dash. I couldn't tell, being in the center of a pony huddle. Celestia beamed at her little sister. "You simply ask him on a date!" The elder princess said. Luna looked over at me, her smile growing. "Well then...!" "Uh," I began. "I'm very flattered but-" I was saved from trying to gently let down a demigoddess by all of the mares around me. "NO!" "Oh?" Celestia asked with a little smile. I looked around, bewildered. "NO! I-I mean," Twilight began. "You need to recover first!" "And catch up!" Fluttershy cried. "Yeah!" Applejack added. "There's so much you've missed in the last thousand years!" "So much to become acquainted with!" Rarity insisted. "Like parties! Propellers! And porn!" Pinkie Pie shouted. "Get yer own damsel, Princess!" Rainbow Dash shouted. I rolled my eyes. "Nice joke, Dash," I muttered. "Yeah, joke," Dash muttered back. "I must agree, sister dear," Celestia said gently. "There is no need to rush. You will see Shepherd often though, I promise." "Oh... Very well," Luna said softly. She gave me a big, warm smile. "We hope to see you soon!" "Um... Sure?" I responded. Celestia smiled at me too. "And you, Andrew Shepherd? I hope you will continue to help Twilight Sparkle as she studies the magic of friendship. It may lead to a way back to your home, eventually." I nodded, my own smile growing. "N-No problem, Your Highness," I replied. She laughed again, softly and knowingly. "Indeed! Given you were directly struck by the Elements and left unharmed, you could contribute immensely! Perhaps you could stay with Twilight Sparkle in her new home?" Twilight turned bright red, from the tip of her horn to the bottoms of her hooves. "S-Stay? With me?! I-I don't know if I can-If I should-!" "Hey! That means he'll be right between all of us equally!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "So we all get an equal shot! Ooh! Finally, we'll get the chance to use this book!" She pulled out a book that made every mare blush bright red. I blinked at the strange writing, the Pony figures resolving themselves into something sensible. "The Pony… Sutra?" I read. "WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THAT?!" Twilight shrieked. Pinkie Pie grinned. "I believe in being very prepared!" I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Pinkie Pie, you are so random…" Silly ponies with their weird jokes and healing magical rainbow beams. I'm just thankful this adventure is my last. I'm fine with helping Twilight with research into the magic of whatever, but I'm definitely not going to get involved in any more crazy adventures. Nothing ever happens in Ponyville, after all... Author's Note Well, that's it for this story. Hope you enjoyed!
EpilogueThe Stars Revolt! A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. Two years later… Discord broke free from the confines of his stone statue, stretching and cackling. “AHAHAHAHA! I’M FREE AT LAST! Now to bring about chaos! Wonderful, delicious chaos!” The Lord of Chaos locked onto Celestia’s magical signature, and teleported right next to her. He wanted to greet his ancient frienemy with the proper fanfare and respect! Turned out she wasn’t too far: She was actually in the garden, lying in a lounge chair. She was sipping some frozen coffee, wearing sunglasses, and looking quite relaxed. Discord manifested a door, and went through it, appearing in a suit and greasy wig. “CELLYYYYY~! I’M HOME!” Celestia… Turned her head, and pulled down her sunglasses. She actually smiled-An honest to goodness smile. “Discord! It’s so nice to see you!” That… Was not what Discord was expecting. Granted, as a draconequus he oftentimes didn’t know what to expect from his own magic. But this was like a geranium eating the cat when he hadn’t thought of it. Later: Make geranium that eats cats, he thought. “Uh… Nice to see you too…?” Discord managed, blinking. Celestia smiled, and her horn glowed. A frosted coffee appeared in his hand. “Won’t you join me?” She asked. Discord blinked again, and scowled. “Okay, what’s your plan?” Discord demanded. He leaned in close, his glare attempting to burn holes in Celestia. “Come on! What is it? Your nerdy apprentice and her neurotic friends lying in wait with the Elements? Your sister? A FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL BATTLESTATION?!” Celestia chuckled softly. “Oh, I’m afraid my apprentice and her ‘neurotic’ friends are busy,” she said. She leaned back, and it was at this point Discord heard something. Something he had intended to hear in abundance, but never before he started his rampage. Screaming. He followed Celestia’s gaze towards a large row of rosebushes. The screaming was coming from behind it. A moment later, a tall ape with brown hair, green eyes, and glasses rounded it. He was running for his life, screaming in between deep breaths of air. He looked at Celestia, desperately. “PRINCESS CELESTIA!” He bellowed. “HELP ME!” “Just a few more laps, my dear little human!” Celestia called back encouragingly. “Your endurance will save you!” “DAMNIT!” He bellowed. The human kept running, sprinting in front of them towards the next row of rose bushes. The sound of loud, angry galloping followed him. Soon, the source was revealed: A large number of adult stallions of every tribe. The mob was led by a large, blue maned unicorn stallion, his nostrils snorting smoke in his rage. “GET BACK HERE! TONIGHT I DINE ON MONKEY SOUP!” He roared. “I CALL HIS EYES!” A little purple dragon, riding on the unicorn stallion’s back, added in fury. The rest of the stallions shouted or bellowed similar sentiments as they chased the human. Right on their hooves, a group of young, pregnant mares and older, motherly mares. Led by Twilight Sparkle and Princess Luna, who were just as angry. “BIG BROTHER! IF YOU KILL THE FATHER OF MY FOAL I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!” She yelled. “YOU’RE NOT KILLING HIM UNTIL HE MAKES ME WITH FOAL FIRST!” Princess Luna brayed. “PAPA! DON’T PREACH! HE’S MY BABY DADDY!” Pinkie Pie bawled, bouncing along. “I’LL BEAT HIM UP, NOT YOU!” Rainbow Dash howled, flying hard. “LEAVE HIM ALONE, DADDY! SPIKE, YOU TOO!” Rarity cried, keeping up and already in fashionable maternity wear. “BIG MAC HE’S GONNA MARRY ME! CUT IT OUT!” Applejack bellowed, which was impressive given she was carrying a shotgun in her teeth. “Please don’t hurt him, Papa!” Fluttershy sort-of shouted, though it was more of a loud whisper. The older mares, their mothers and sisters in law, and other female relatives echoed similar sentiments. An old green mare, wheelchairing herself as fast as she could, waved her cane. “SAVE THE SOURCE O’ THE GREAT GRANDFOALS! AH’VE WAITED SO LONG!” After this group, three little fillies in red cloaks galloped in their wake. “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER WEDDING AND/OR FUNERAL PLANNERS!” They shouted. A whole gaggle of other assorted beings followed, ranging from some angry cooks from a local restaurant, to the Griffinstone ambassador covered in cake. The entire precession vanished around another rose bush row, leaving a cloud of dust behind. Discord blinked. He blinked a few more times, his eyes spinning around. He took them out, rubbing them against his fur chest, and popped them back in. He looked over at the still relaxed Celestia. “... What?” He managed. Celestia beamed. “That was Andrew Shepherd, our resident human. He managed to get romantically entangled with all six of the holders of the Elements of Harmony and my sister, and got almost all of them pregnant. And he learned of this and was happily proposing marriage to all of them. They accepted… Just as their families all walked in.” She sipped on her mocha. “Just in time to hear him say ‘I’m so awesome! I knocked them all up at once! Humans rule!’ And so…” She waved her hoof out in the direction of the screaming. “And… The running?” Discord asked. “Since humans have more endurance than ponies,” Celestia explained, “he can tire them all out until they can calm down. Shouldn’t take more than a few dozen additional laps.” Celestia smiled, almost impishly. She held out another frozen coffee. “Mocha?” Discord blinked a few more times. He snapped his fingers, and summoned up his own lounge chair. He laid back in it, and accepted Celestia’s mocha. He sipped on the straw, the plastic cup surrounding the chocolate mix vanishing. He stared at the sun princess in something akin to awe. “You have never been hotter to me than you are right now,” he said. Celestia chuckled throatily, pulling her sunglasses back up. “I know~.” FIN Author's Note A fun silly epilogue that may or may not be canon. Hope you enjoy your Christmas Present just a bit early...
